THE CONVERSION
Written by
Bruce Kirschbaum
(Comedy club)
JERRY
You know doctor is supposed to be such
a prestigious occupation. But
it's really like one of the only jobs where you have to have
your diploma
right up there on the wall. It makes them seem so insecure, doesn't
it? "I
really am a doctor you know. You think I'm not, just check it
out." I don't
know why they need these little bits of psychological leverage
over us all the
time. "Go in that little room, take your pants off, wait 15 minutes,
and I'll
give you my opinion." After that, anyone that comes in with pants
on seems
like they know what they're talking about. In any difference
of opinion,
pants always beats no-pants.
(Commercial)
At a restaurant.
GEORGE
Can I say one word to you? Lobster.
The lobster here is
unbelievable. (looks at the menu) Ooh, a little expensive.
GEORGE'S GIRLFRIEND
Twenty five dollars.
GEORGE
Yes, well, you know, I'm not thinking
about the price. You know
you're the only woman I've never thought about the price. Get
the lobster. I
beg you to get the lobster. Go for the lobster.
GEORGE'S GIRLFRIEND
George, George, uh, I think we have
to talk. I think we
have a problem.
GEORGE
We do?
GEORGE'S GIRLFRIEND
We can't keep seeing each other.
GEORGE
Why?
GEORGE'S GIRLFRIEND
(crying) Because it's over. *sob, sob,
sob* It's my
parents, the differences in our religion. Oh George, can you
ever forgive me?
*sob*
WAITER
Uh, have you decided yet?
GEORGE'S GIRLFRIEND
(crying) Yes. I'll have the lobster.
GEORGE
Um, you know I'm starting to think that
maybe lobster isn't the way
to go.
The hallway outside Jerry's apartment.
JERRY
Then he asked you out?
ELAINE
We started to talk, and I told him that
I jog, and then he put his
hand on my heart.
JERRY
On your heart?
ELAINE
Jerry, the man is a doctor.
JERRY
Doctor? He's a podiatrist.
ELAINE
It's the same thing.
JERRY
Anyone can get into podiatry school.
*George* got into podiatry
school.
ELAINE
Really?
JERRY'S GIRLFRIEND
Hello.
JERRY
Oh hi.
JERRY'S GIRLFRIEND
Are you going to be stopping by later?
JERRY
Yes, I'll be stopping. See you later.
(to Elaine) Well we can't all
be dating podiatrists.
They enter Jerry's apartment.
GEORGE
It's over.
ELAINE
What?
JERRY
How did you get in?
GEORGE
Kramer.
ELAINE
What's that?
GEORGE
Lobster.
JERRY
Looks like a swan.
GEORGE
She says we can't go out anymore.
ELAINE
Why?
GEORGE
Because I'm not Latvian Orthodox. Her
parents won't let her get
involved with anyone who isn't Latvian Orthodox.
ELAINE
Latvian Orthodox? Mmm, it is lobster.
JERRY
She's limiting herself to Latvian Orthodox?
Too bad.
GEORGE
I know. This was the only woman I never
lied to. Well that's not
entirely true.
ELAINE
Mmm, delicious.
JERRY
Mmm, succulent.
GEORGE
She knew I didn't have a job, she knew
I lived at home. Didn't seem
to bother her. I think I could have married this woman.
ELAINE
Why don't you just ask her parents?
GEORGE
I can't. I met them. They're devout.
You know, In the cab on the
way over here, I actually thought about converting.
JERRY
To Latvian Orthodox?
GEORGE
Why not? What do I care?
JERRY
You know it's not like changing toothpaste.
ELAINE
I think it would be romantic.
GEORGE
Really?
ELAINE
Yeah, it's like Edward the Eighth abdicating
the throne and marrying
Mrs. Simpson. Ooh.
GEORGE
King Edward. King Edward, Jerry.
JERRY
Yeah well King Edward didn't live in
Queens with Frank and Estelle
Costanza.
GEORGE
You know what? I could probably do this.
What's the difference.
ELAINE
George I was just kidding around.
GEORGE
No. I wouldn't even have to tell her.
I could surprise her.
ELAINE
George I wasn't serious.
GEORGE
How hard could it be? You make a little
contribution, have a
ceremony. I am going to think about this. I am *really* going
to think about
this.
George leaves.
ELAINE
I guess this one is my fault.
JERRY
Oh yeah.
At Jerry's girlfriend's apartment.
JERRY'S GIRLFRIEND
*kiss, kiss, kiss* Oh that was nice.
Have you always
been such a good kisser?
JERRY
Oh I don't know. Not always. No I uh
I had to work at it. When I
was a kid all the kids would be out playing, I would be up in
my room
practicing my kissing.
JERRY'S GIRLFRIEND
Well it was worth it. *kiss* I'll be
*kiss* right *kiss*
back *kiss*. Where are you going?
JERRY
To wash my hands. They're sticky from
the orange.
JERRY'S GIRLFRIEND
Meet you back here?
JERRY
Right there.
Jerry goes into the bathroom and washes his hands.
He sees the medicine cabinet open slightly and peeks in.
JERRY
(thinking to himself) "Fungicide". Fungus?
At Monk's.
JERRY
Fungicide. I mean what could she have?
ELAINE
I don't know.
KRAMER
Fungus.
ELAINE
So what did you say?
JERRY
I said I was coming down with the flu
or something and I had to go
home.
ELAINE
What were you doing opening her medicine
cabinet?
JERRY
I didn't open it. It was open. I just
nudged it a little.
ELAINE
You were snooping.
JERRY
I was not snooping. I did not break
the seal. There was no breaking
and entering. I wouldn't do that.
KRAMER
I would. I always open medicine cabinets.
ELAINE
Well I trust people not to do that.
KRAMER
Big mistake.
JERRY
Why don't you ask that doctor what it
is?
ELAINE
What? Now he's a doctor? Before he was
a podiatrist.
JERRY
But that's what podiatrists do. They
deal in fungus. They're knee-
deep in fungus. This guy know fungus.
ELAINE
I am not going to ask him about funguses.
KRAMER
Fungi.
JERRY
What?
KRAMER
Fungi.
In the priest's office.
(boy, I am *really* bad with names on this episode... ;) )
FATHER-PRIEST
Why do you want to accept the Latvian
Orthodox faith?
GEORGE
*ahem* In this age of uncertainty and
confusion, a man begins to ask
himself certain questions. How can one even begin to put into
words something
so um... (trying to think of a word)
FATHER-PRIEST
Enigmatic?
GEORGE
No.
FATHER-PRIEST
Vast? (he pronounces it as "vost")
GEORGE
No not vast (he pronounces it as "vost")
FATHER-PRIEST
Well whatever it is, basically you like
the religion.
GEORGE
Yes.
FATHER-PRIEST 2
Is there one aspect of the faith that
you find particularly
attractive?
GEORGE
(he thinks) I think the hats. The hat
convey that solemn religious
look you want in a faith. Very pious.
FATHER-PRIEST
Are you familiar with Orthodox theology?
GEORGE
Well perhaps, not to the extent that
you are. But I know the basic
plot. Yeah.
FATHER-PRIEST
Plot?
GEORGE
Yeah, yeah. You know the uh flood, and
the uh lepers, and the
commandments and all that.
FATHER-PRIEST 2
Well it's obvious that you are sincere
in your desire.
GEORGE
Oh yes I am Father. Incredibly sincere.
So, uh, pffft, am I in?
FATHER-PRIEST
The first step would be to familiarize
yourself with these
texts (brings out a pile of books).
GEORGE
Ah hah. You see Father, I'm I'm incredibly
anxious to become a
member. Um, don't you offer any kind of an express conversion?
A quick
change?
Sister Roberta enters.
SISTER ROBERTA
Oh I'm sorry. Father, there's a man
waiting in the chapel.
FATHER-PRIEST
You may attend to it Sister, oh this
is George Costanza. He
is interested in joining the church.
SISTER ROBERTA
Oh are you? That's wonderful. Well good
luck to you.
GEORGE
Nice nun.
FATHER-PRIEST
No, Sister Roberta is not a nun. She
is what we call a
novice.
FATHER-PRIEST 2
She won't be taking her final vows until
next Thursday.
In the chapel.
SISTER ROBERTA
May I help you?
KRAMER
Oh yeah, I'm here to pick up my friend
George Costanza.
SISTER ROBERTA
Well he's in with the Father.
KRAMER
Oh yeah.
SISTER ROBERTA
I'm Sister Roberta.
KRAMER
Oh. Kramer. Pleasure.
SISTER ROBERTA
Mine. (she smiles at Kramer)
At Jerry's apartment.
GEORGE
I can't believe how easy it is. I'm
virtually Orthodox. All I have
to do is read a few books, memorize a few prayers, and I'm in
the club.
JERRY
That's all there is to it.
GEORGE
That's all there is to it. By Christmas
day I will be Brother
Costanza.
JERRY
And when is Brother Costanza planning
on telling Mother Costanza?
GEORGE
Brother Costanza will be taking the
vow of silence.
Kramer enters. He is flinging a slinky.
JERRY
Oh a slinky. Where did you get it?
KRAMER
Sister Roberta gave it to me.
JERRY
Why did she give you that?
KRAMER
I think she liked me.
JERRY
What do you mean she liked you?
KRAMER
*Liked* me.
GEORGE
Kramer, they like everybody. They're
friendly people.
KRAMER
No. I think I picked up on a vibe.
JERRY
You picked up on a vibe, from a nun.
KRAMER
Yeah, Jerry I'm telling you I have this
power. And I have no control
over it.
Kramer leaves.
Jerry's girlfriend appears at the doorway.
JERRY
Oh hi.
JERRY'S GIRLFRIEND
I just wanted to stop by and see how
you were feeling.
JERRY
(weakly) A little better. *fake cough*
JERRY'S GIRLFRIEND
If you need anything let me know.
JERRY
Okay. All right bye.
GEORGE
Story.
JERRY
She's subletting Carol's place for a
month.
GEORGE
She likes you.
JERRY
Yeah but there's a problem. I found
a tube of a fungicide in her
medicine cabinet.
GEORGE
So?
JERRY
So I don't know what she's using it
for.
GEORGE
Well how do you even know it's hers?
Maybe it belonged to Carol.
Did you see a name on the tube?
JERRY
I didn't even think to look.
GEORGE
Well take a look. It might not even
belong to her.
JERRY
Yeah.
GEORGE
People always leave old things in their
medicine cabinet.
JERRY
Yeah I've got this old bottle of cough
medicine.
GEORGE
I still have brill cream.
At Jerry's girlfriend's apartment.
Jerry knocks on the door
*knock, knock, knock*
JERRY'S GIRLFRIEND
Hi.
JERRY
Hi. Can I use your bathroom?
At the doctor's apartment.
ELAINE
You sure you don't mind?
DOCTOR
No of course not. People ask me medical
questions all the
time.
ELAINE
Well the question isn't even for me
it's for a friend.
DOCTOR
Elaine, I'm used to it. I'm a doctor.
ELAINE
Well... podiatrist.
DOCTOR
Huh?
ELAINE
No no, I'm just saying you didn't really
go to medical school, you
went to podiatry school. Which I'm sure is very grueling in it's
own way.
DOCTOR
I went to podiatry school because I
like feet. I chose to work with
feet.
ELAINE
I like feet too. I'm just saying...
DOCTOR
Saying what?
In Jerry's girlfriend's apartment.
She knocks on the bathroom door.
*knock, knock, knock*
JERRY'S GIRLFRIEND
How are you doing in there?
JERRY
Fine all done, just looking for the
soap.
Jerry is looking around for the bottle of fungicide.
JERRY'S GIRLFRIEND
No soap?
JERRY
No I don't see it.
Jerry finds the bottle of fungicide and picks it up. Jerry's
girlfriend
enters the bathroom with soap. Hastily, Jerry puts the bottle
of fungicide in
his pocket.
JERRY'S GIRLFRIEND
(giving Jerry the soap) Here you go.
At George's parent's house.
George is in the bathroom with his Latvian Orthodox books.
*knock, knock, knock*
ESTELLE
George what are you doing in there?
GEORGE
What? Nothing.
FRANK
You've been in there an hour.
ESTELLE
You don't feel well?
GEORGE
I'm fine.
ESTELLE
I want to know what you're doing in
there.
GEORGE
Nothing.
FRANK
George, open the door.
GEORGE
No.
ESTELLE
Georgie.
GEORGE
No!
At Kramer's apartment.
Sister Roberta is knocking on the door.
*knock, knock, knock*
KRAMER
Hey.
SISTER ROBERTA
Good evening. I hope I'm not disturbing
you, but I found
another toy I thought you might like.
(Commercial)
At Jerry's Apartment.
JERRY
Okay, Latvius was the son of which apostle?
And I'll need that in the
form of a question.
GEORGE
I don't know. I can't believe they're
making me take this test.
Elaine enters.
JERRY
Hey, did you talk to the doctor?
ELAINE
No.
JERRY
All right, the next time you see him
show him this. (He presents the
bottle of fungicide.)
ELAINE
You *took* her medicine.
JERRY
Not on purpose. I was hoping there would
be a name on the tube. When
are you seeing him again?
ELAINE
I don't know. We got into this whole
thing about how podiatrists
aren't real doctors.
JERRY
How could you say that?
ELAINE
It's you fault. You just got me thinking.
JERRY
I was merely speaking extemporaneously.
ELAINE
I've got nothing against the foot. I'm
pro-foot.
JERRY
Me too.
ELAINE
Do you think I should call him and apologize?
JERRY
Yes. He's a doctor.
Elaine starts to leave.
JERRY
Wait a second.
Jerry puts the bottle of fungicide in Elaine's purse.
JERRY
(to George) What are you doing?
GEORGE
What does it look like I'm doing?
JERRY
(Reading words George wrote on his hand)
"Matthew, Luke, Paul", what
you're cheating on your conversion chest?
Kramer enters.
KRAMER
I told you.
JERRY
What?
KRAMER
I told you she liked me.
JERRY
Who?
KRAMER
Sister Roberta.
JERRY
How do you know?
KRAMER
She told me. She said she's never had
a man stir up all of these
feelings inside of her. She's questioning her faith. She's thinking
of
leaving the church. Oh, uh, this power. I'm dangerous Jerry,
I'm very very
dangerous.
At the priest's office.
FATHER-PRIEST
I must say George, I was somewhat surprised
at the results of
your conversion test. I don't recall having seen such an impressive
performance. You truly must be filled with the spirit of the
Lord.
GEORGE
Oh, I'm I'm full of it Father.
FATHER-PRIEST 2
(muttering something to Father-Priest
1) ...(mumble)... Kramer
...(mumble)...
FATHER-PRIEST
Yes, yes I see. (To George) I'm sorry
something has come up.
GEORGE
Oh, I understand.
Kramer enters.
KRAMER
Um, you wanted to see me Father?
FATHER-PRIEST
Yes. Please, sit down. Sister Roberta
came to see me
yesterday.
KRAMER
I know what this is about Father. I
didn't do anything. I just
spoke to her innocently for just a few minutes. It's just that,
that I have
this power.
FATHER-PRIEST
Yes. Kavorka.
(I wouldn't mind having "Kavorka" myself ;) )
KRAMER
Kavorka?
FATHER-PRIEST
It is a Latvian word which means "the
lure of the animal".
KRAMER
I don't understand.
FATHER-PRIEST
Women are drawn to you. They would give
anything to be
possessed by you.
KRAMER
Help me Father. Help me.
FATHER-PRIEST
Yes, yes I will help you. Listen very
carefully. I want you
to buy ten cloves of garlic, three quarts of vinegar, six ounces...
The hallway by Jerry's apartment.
JERRY
What is that stench? I got it. (He follows
the smell to Kramer's
door) Ah hah.
*knock, knock, knock*
Kramer opens his door. He is wearing a ring of garlics around
his neck.
KRAMER
Hey.
JERRY
Hey. What are you doing?
KRAMER
I've got the Kavorka Jerry.
JERRY
The Kavorka? What's that?
KRAMER
The lure of the animal. I'm dangerous.
JERRY
What is this thing around your neck?
KRAMER
The priests they're helping me. I just
bathed in vinegar.
JERRY
You know you're funcifying the whole
building.
KRAMER
Keep away Jerry. Keep away.
He closes his door.
JERRY
Kramer. *knock, knock, knock* Kramer.
+---------------------+
| CONVERSION CEREMONY |
| FOR |
| GEORGE COSTANZA |
| 3
P.M. |
| |
| |
| |
+---------------------+
The sign is on a black background with white stick-on letters.
A woman reads the sign.
WOMAN
George Costanza? Estelle's son?
At George's parent's house.
ESTELLE
Latvian Orthodox? Why are you doing
this?
GEORGE
For a woman.
FRANK
A woman? What are you out of your mind?
ESTELLE
Why can't you do anything like a normal
person?
FRANK
Wait. Is this the group that goes around
mutilating squirrels?
GEORGE
No it's a regular religion.
FRANK
I'm calling my lawyer. It might not
be too late to get out of this.
GEORGE
I don't want to get out of it.
ESTELLE
George, you don't know what you're saying.
You're under their
control.
FRANK
What, they brainwashed you?
GEORGE
No no.
FRANK
You're not performing any rituals in
this house.
ESTELLE
Go back to the psychiatrist. I beg you.
FRANK
And stay away from those squirrels.
At Jerry's girlfriend's apartment.
JERRY'S GIRLFRIEND
Oh how you doing Jerry?
JERRY
Good. What's the matter?
JERRY'S GIRLFRIEND
I'm tired. I hardly slept last night
with all this
scratching. Bonkers was going crazy.
JERRY
Bonkers?
JERRY'S GIRLFRIEND
My cat. He's got this weird sort of
skin condition.
Some type of fungus, I couldn't find his medicine.
JERRY
Oh it's your cat!
JERRY'S GIRLFRIEND
What?
JERRY
Ooh, nothing.
At the church.
FATHER-PRIEST
Are you ready my son?
GEORGE
Yes faddah.
FATHER-PRIEST
What did you say?
GEORGE
What?
FATHER-PRIEST
I thought you said faddah.
GEORGE
I said faddah, I meant Father. Just
a little bit nervous.
Outside on a sidewalk.
A woman is waiting for a cab. Kramer walks up to her.
KRAMER
How you doing?
WOMAN
Get away from me you creep. (She walks
away.)
KRAMER
Yes, Yes. It worked. Sister Roberta
I've still got time to catch
her.
At the church. It is George's conversion ceremony.
Church music plays.
George is dressed in a white church gown.
He walks down the church aisle carrying a candle.
Father-priest says some Latvian words.
Kramer is running down the street going to the church.
The church music is still playing.
George takes a drink of some wine. He spills some on his gown.
He makes a
hand motion on his gown.
Kramer is still running to the church.
The church music is still playing.
FATHER-PRIEST
Congratulations George. Welcome to the
faith. Sister Roberta
would you please offer the final benediction.
SISTER ROBERTA
(hesitates) I can't. (crowd murmurs)
I'm sorry. It's a
beautiful religion, but I am not worthy of it. I found something
else.
Kramer enters the church.
SISTER ROBERTA
Him.
CROWD
Kavorka, Kavorka.
At Elaine's apartment.
ELAINE
*kiss, kiss* Because I love the foot.
I'm a big fan of the foot.
DOCTOR
Well it's my fault. I got a little defensive.
ELAINE
And that pinkie toe, come on . How adorable
is the pinkie toe.
DOCTOR
It's my favorite toe.
ELAINE
Let's face it, you get a bunion, where
are you going? You're not
going to the ear guy.
DOCTOR
No you're not.
*phone rings*
ELAINE
I'll be right back.
DOCTOR
Oh uh, where's the bathroom?
ELAINE
It's right down here to the left. I
will meet you right back here.
JERRY
Elaine it's her cat. Her cat had the
fungus. So I need the tube
back.
The doctor is in Elaine's bathroom.
He peeks into the medicine cabinet and finds the tube of fungicide.
DOCTOR
(Thinking to himself) "Fungicide"? Fungus?
At the church.
SISTER ROBERTA
Something's wrong. I don't feel the
same lure.
KRAMER
You don't?
SISTER ROBERTA
What have I...? I must return to the church.
By the way you
really need to take a bath. You stink.
KRAMER
Yeah yeah.
(Commercial)
At Monk's
GEORGE'S GIRLFRIEND
For me?
GEORGE
Well I didn't do it for my mother.
GEORGE'S GIRLFRIEND
I'm really flattered. But I just don't
feel ready to
make a commitment yet. Maybe when I get back from Latvia.
GEORGE
Latvia?
GEORGE'S GIRLFRIEND
Yes. I'm going to stay with some relatives
there for a
year. Isn't it great?
GEORGE
Enjoy, enjoy.
GEORGE'S GIRLFRIEND
Oh George, you are so sweet. Don't ever
change.
GEORGE
I'd like a doggie bag for this please.
THE END
|
