THE DEALERSHIP
Written by
Steve Koren
(A car dealership)
(Jerry and George are looking over some cars)
GEORGE
When are they gonna have the flying
cars, already?
JERRY
Yeah, they have been promising that
for a while..
GEORGE
Years. When we were kids, they made
it seem like it was right around the
corner.
JERRY
I think Ed Begley Jr. has one.
GEORGE
No. That's just electric.
JERRY
What about Harrison Ford? He had one
in, uh, Blade Runner. That was a cool
one.
GEORGE
(Sarcastic) What's the competition,
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang?
JERRY
Well, what do you think the big holdup
is?
GEORGE
The government is very touchy about
us being in the air. Let us run around
on the ground as much as we want. Anything
in the air is a big production.
JERRY
Yeah, right. And what about the floating
cities?
GEORGE
And the underwater bubble cities?
JERRY
It's like we're living in the '50s here.
(Kramer's bouncing up and down on the rear bumper of one of the
cars for sale)
KRAMER
It's good suspension!
JERRY
(To Kramer) Would you stop it? You'll
have plenty of time to destroy it after
I get it. Hey, George, I'm buyin' this
car. (Gestures to a black Saab)
GEORGE
What is wrong with you? You never tell
'em you like the car. (Advising) You're
not sure what you want. You don't even
know why you're here.
JERRY
(Talking about the vein in George's
head) There's that vein again.
GEORGE
I'm starving. We should have had lunch
first..
JERRY
(Trying to quiet George down) It'll
be twenty minutes. I told ya, Puddy's
getting me an insider deal.
GEORGE
Since when is Elaine's boyfriend selling
cars? I thought he was a mechanic.
JERRY
I guess he graduated.
GEORGE
That's an easy move: go from screwin'
you behind your back to screwin' you
right to your face.
(Kramer, in one of the cars, honks the horn)
JERRY
(To Kramer) Thank you.
GEORGE
Puddy's just gonna give you the car,
huh? (Skeptic) You'll see. First they
stick you with the undercoating, rust-proofing,
dealer prep. Sudeenly, you're
on your back like a turnip.
JERRY
Alright. Calm down.
GEORGE
My father had a car salesman buddy.
He was gonna fix him up real nice. Next
thing I know, I'm gettin' dropped of
in a Le Car with a fabric sunroof. All
the kids are shoutin' at me, "Hey, Le George! Bonjour, Le George!
Let's stuff Le George in Le Locker!"
(Kramer's now on his back, under a car)
KRAMER
Jerry, I don't think this thing is hooked
up right.
(Jerry and George go to enter the office buildings)
JERRY
(To Kramer) Alright, we're goin' in.
(A salesman walks up to Kramer. He's still under the car)
SALESMAN
You've got a good eye, there. I see
you've noticed the uni-body construction.
I'm Rick. Are you looking to buy or
lease?
(Kramer emerges from under the car)
KRAMER
Uh, borrow. It's for my friend. Yeah,
he'll be buying..
RICK
Maybe I should talk to him.
KRAMER
Oh, I don't think so. No, he's an entertainer.
You know, all over the place. That's
where I come in.
RICK
I see. So, you're his manag-
(Kramer hops into the car)
KRAMER
Yeah, neighbor. That's right. Yeah,
why don't we take this boiler out for
a shakedown?
(Scene cuts to the insides of the dealership building. Jerry
and George are waiting for a salesman to assist them)
GEORGE
Look at these salesmen. The only thing
these guys fear is the walk-out. No
matter what they say, you say, "I'll
walk out of here right now!"
(A salesman approaches)
SALESMAN
Can I help you with something?
GEORGE
(Threatening) Hold it! One more step
and we're walkin'!
JERRY
(Scolding) George. (To salesman) Sorry,
we're just waiting for David Puddy.
GEORGE
(Still with a tone) He is. You don't
know what I'm doin' here.
(Elaine walks into the showroom with David Puddy)
ELAINE
Hey.
JERRY
Hey.
PUDDY
Sorry I'm late.
ELAINE
(Full of pride) My new salesman boyfriend
took me out to celebrate his promotion.
JERRY
Ah. Where'd you go?
ELAINE
(Obviously embarrassed) Uh, to a restaurant.
PUDDY
Arby's.
ELAINE
I had the roast beef..
JERRY
So, Puddy, I decided I'm gonna go with
another 900 convertible.
PUDDY
Alright. Classic. (Holds his hand up)
High-five.
ELAINE
(Interrupting) David, can you tell me
where the Xerox machine is?
PUDDY
Oh, sure, babe. Salesman-only copy room
(Points) right there.
ELAINE
Oh. (Leaves for the room)
PUDDY
(To Jerry and George) Hey, come on,
guys. I'll show you the 900.
GEORGE
(Mocking, skeptic) Yeah, you show us
the 900.
(Scene cuts to Kramer. He's in the car with the salesman, Rick,
and they're driving an unknown street)
RICK
.. And look at these features, Mr. Kramer:
Anti-lock breaks, automatic climate
control. Uh, (Points out the windshield)
make a right at this corner, please.
(Goes back to the features) Adjustable steering wheel, and..
Oh, Mr. Kramer, you missed the turn..
KRAMER
No. No, I didn't.
RICK
Well, that's okay. (Pointing) We'll
make this next right, and swing around
to get back to the dealership.
KRAMER
(Up to something) Well, it's a test
drive, right? I never drive around here.
If I'm gonna recommend this car, I need
to see that it'll handle my daily
routine.
RICK
So where are we going?
KRAMER
Just a little place I like to call,
"You'll see".
(Scene ends)
Puddy's office)
(George and Jerry are in conference with Puddy)
GEORGE
I'm starving. You got any of those free
donuts you use to soften people up?
PUDDY
(Pointing out his office door) By the
service department.
GEORGE
(Getting up, he addresses Jerry) Alright,
remember: no rust-proofing. Commit to
nothing. If you have to speak - mumble.
JERRY
(As George is leaving for the donuts)
Au revoir, Le George.
GEORGE
Don't think it can't happen! (Leaves)
JERRY
So, Puddy, this is a pretty good move
for you, huh? No more "grease monkey".
PUDDY
I don't care for that term.
JERRY
Oh. Sorry, I didn't know..
PUDDY
No, I don't know too many monkeys who
could take apart a fuel injector.
JERRY
I saw one once that could do sign language.
PUDDY
Yeah, I saw that one. Uh.. Koko.
JERRY
Yeah, Koko.
PUDDY
Right, Koko. That chimp's alright. (Holds
up his hand) High-five.
(Returning, George sees Jerry reluctantly slap hands with Puddy)
GEORGE
Hey, hey, hey! What's goin' on here?
(To Jerry) You didn't agree to anything,
did ya?
JERRY
No. We both just saw the same monkey.
GEORGE
(Aggravated) Well, I got screwed on
the donuts. There were none left.
PUDDY
(Standing up) Well, there's a vending
machine. I could show you where it is.
(Leaves, showing George the way)
GEORGE
(To Jerry) Hey, gimme a dollar.
JERRY
(Getting a dollar out) Where's your
money?
GEORGE
(Talking it) I'm here helpin' you.
(Elaine enters)
ELAINE
Hey. Where's Puddy? The copy machine
is broken.
GEORGE
(On his way out) Heh, heh, heh. That's
what they want you to think.
JERRY
Hey, Elaine, have you noticed your boyfriend
has developed an annoying little habit?
ELAINE
(Squints, imitating Puddy) The squinting?
JERRY
No.
ELAINE
(Stares ahead, again, imitating Puddy)
The staring?
JERRY
No. He keeps asking me to give him a
high-five.
ELAINE
I thought all guys do that.
JERRY
Slapping hands is the lowest form of
male primate ritual. In fact, even some
of them have moved on - they're using
sign language now.
ELAINE
Is that bad?
JERRY
What do you think the Nazis were doin'?
(Imitates the Nazi's salute) That was
the heil-five.
ELAINE
(Pointing out) Isn't that from your
act, like, ten years ago?
JERRY
(Slightly embarrassed) It was a good
bit in the ‘80's, and it's still relatable
today.
(Puddy approaches them)
PUDDY
Good news. We got a 900 in black. That's
the hot color. (Holds up his hand) High-five.
(Elaine and Jerry exchange looks)
ELAINE
Um, David, you know what? Can you come
help me fix the copy machine?
(Elaine takes Puddy's arm, leading him to the room)
PUDDY
(Pointing at Jerry) You owe me five.
(Scene ends)
Dealership back room)
(George is eyeing a Twix candy bar through the vending machine
glass)
GEORGE
Twix.. (Makes various noises) B-5.
(George put in his dollar, but the machine rejects it. He tries
to jam it in, same result. He tries one more time - unsuccessful)
GEORGE
Ah, come on!
(A heavy-set mechanic approaches and stands in line behind George
to use the vending machine. George steps back to let him use
it. The machine readily accepts
the mechanic's dollar)
GEORGE
Ah, excuse me. Do you have change of
a dollar?
MECHANIC
(While retrieving his candy) No.
GEORGE
Could I, uh, could I trade you for another
dollar?
MECHANIC
(While walking away) Don't have one.
GEORGE
(Stopping him) Excuse me. When your,
uh, when your wallet was open, I glanced
inside, and I couldn't help but notice
that you had several crisp dollar
bills.
MECHANIC
(Calm) You're incorrect.
GEORGE
(Persistent) Perhaps you could look
again, please? I'm very hungry.
MECHANIC
(While taking his exit) We had donuts
earlier.
GEORGE
(Losing it) I guess everyone here enjoys
giving the old screwgie, huh?! You're
all doin' a hell of a job! (Looks longingly
at the Twix in the machine) Ho,
ho. What I would do with you..
(Scene ends)
Dealership car)
(Rick and Kramer are still on the test-drive. The back seat is
filled with various items - those including a giant, stuffed
Tweety bird)
RICK
Mr. Kramer, we're really not allowed
to use the cars to run errands.
KRAMER
No, look, Rick. I'm very close to giving
this car, that my celebrity friend is
considering, my full endorsement. (Looks
out the window) Oooh, Let's see if
I can get a smile from these femininas.. (Yells out to them)
Hey, Ladies! (Points to the car) It's the Saab 900! What do you
think? Can I interest you in a little
supplemental restraint?! (They obviously do something to offend
him. Kramer reacts with a face) Geeze..
(Scene ends)
Dealership back room)
(Jerry walks up to the vending machine. George is on his stomach,
reaching under the vending machine for change)
JERRY
(Tapping the door you lift to retrieve
your candy on the machine) I think the
candy comes out over there.
GEORGE
People can drop change down here, Jerry.
And they're too lazy to pick it up.
JERRY
Either that, or they've got a little
hang-up about lying face-down in filth.
Why don't you just go to the cashier?
(George gets up)
GEORGE
The cashier is at lunch - which is where
I'd like to be.
JERRY
How much was under there?
GEORGE
(Looking at his finger) I think somethin'
bit me. I just need another nickel.
JERRY
(While fishing through his pocket for
change) Hey, Puddy thinks I should go
for the CD player. What do you think?
(Hands him a nickel)
GEORGE
Ho, ho, ho! He's got a live one. He's
just reeling his big fish in!
JERRY
Hey, can I have my dollar back?
GEORGE
(Stingy) It's wrinkled. It's worthless.
(Jerry gives George a look, then leaves. George hurriedly puts
the money into the machine)
GEORGE
(As the Twix starts to move) Ha, ha,
ha, ha! (The Twix gets stuck in the
spindle right before falling. George
begins to pound the machine) Come on!
Jump!
(A man holding a donut walks past George)
MAN
They just put out some more donuts.
GEORGE
They did?
MAN
(Holding his up) Last one.
(Scene ends)
Dealership car)
(Kramer's still on the road with Rick)
KRAMER
Well, just one more errand and we can
head back.
RICK
Actually, it looks like we're gonna
need some gas.
KRAMER
Oh? Well, how much gas do you think
is in there right now?
RICK
(Looking) Well, it's on "E".
KRAMER
You know, uh, oftentimes, Jerry - he
lend me his car and I find myself in
a situation where the car is almost
out of gas. But, for a variety of reasons,
I
don't want to be the one responsible for purchasing costly gasoline.
RICK
(Pointing out) So, you want to know
how far you can drive your friend's
car for free.
KRAMER
(In the spotlight, his voice goes high)
Well, I make it up to him in other ways.
(Scene ends)
Dealership back room)
(George enters with a salesman, regarding the machine)
GEORGE
As you will see, the candy bar is paid
for, and yet, remains dangling in the
machine. (Notices that the Twix slot
is completely empty) Hey, it's gone.
Where is my Twix? (Quickly looks around. His sights fall on the
window of a door labeled "Employees Only". The same mechanic
from before is eating a candy bar)
What?! That guy's eatin' it!
SALESMAN
Well, how do you know that one's yours?
GEORGE
Uh, it was dangling! There were only
two left in the machine! He must've
bought one, and gotten both.
SALESMAN
Sir, are you gonna buy a car?
GEORGE
No! (The salesman walks away. He addresses
the mechanic through the door's window)
Hey! Hey! I can see you! That is my
Twix! (The mechanic eats
the last of the Twix, obviously to make George even more angered.
It works) Oh, ha, ha! Ho, ho!
(Scene cuts to Puddy in the copy room with Elaine. He's trying
to fix the Xerox machine)
PUDDY
Paper jam.. Got it! (Holds his hand
up) High-five. (Elaine reluctantly slaps
it. He turns around, and puts his hand
out behind his back) On the flip side.
ELAINE
David, um, I..
PUDDY
(Still holding out his hand) Don't leave
me hangin'
ELAINE
You're a salesman now - and the high-five
is.. it's very grease monkey.
PUDDY
What did I tell you about that?
ELAINE
I'm sorry, but the high-five is just
so stupid.
PUDDY
(Somewhat hurt) Oh yeah? I'll tell you
what's stupid. You. Stupid.
ELAINE
Well, that is really mature.
PUDDY
Yeah? So are you.
ELAINE
Huh?
PUDDY
You're the grease monkey.
ELAINE
(Confused at David's attempts at a comeback)
Uh.. that doesn't make any sense. I
am leaving.
PUDDY
Yeah, if you leave, we're through.
ELAINE
Fine! We're through!
PUDDY; Oh, so you're leaving?
ELAINE
(While leaving) That's right. (Mocking
Puddy, she puts her hand up) High-five!
(Turns around, putting her hand behind
her back like he had done) On the
flip side! (As Elaine is leaving, she mutters to herself) Takin'
me to Arby's..
JERRY
(Sees Elaine leaving) Hey! Wh-where
are you..?
(She exits. Puddy sits down at his desk - disturbed)
PUDDY
Let's finish this up.
JERRY
Did you two break up?
PUDDY
(While punching up numbers on a calculator)
That chick's whacked. We're history.
(Back to the transaction) I just left
out a couple of things:
rust-proofing..
JERRY
"Rust-proofing"?
PUDDY
(Reading off what he's adding up on
the calculator) Transport charge, storage
surcharge, additional overcharge, finder's
fee
JERRY
"Finder's fee"? It was on the lot!
PUDDY
Yeah, that's right. (Continues reading
off) Floor mats, keys..
JERRY
‘Keys"?!
PUDDY
How ya gonna start it?
(Scene ends)
Dealership's shop)
(George catches up with the portly mechanic)
GEORGE
Excuse me. I believe you just ate my
Twix bar. It was dangling. And when
you purchased your Twix bar, you got
a little freebie, and you never bothered
to ask why, or seek out its rightful owner.
MECHANIC
First of all, it wasn't a Twix. It was
a 5th Avenue bar.
GEORGE
Huh. You must think I'm pretty stupid.
That was no 5th Avenue bar. I can see
the crumb right there in the corner
of your lip! Now, that-that-that is
a
cookie - and we all know Twix is the only candy bar with the
cookie crunch.
MECHANIC
Yeah, it's just a little nougat.
GEORGE
Nougat? Please. I think I've reached
the point in my life where I can tell
between nougat and cookie. So, let's
not just say things that are obvious
fabrications.
MECHANIC
(Pointing to George's forehead) You
know, you're gettin' a little vein there..
GEORGE
(Watching the mechanic leave) I know
about the vein! I can't believe this
guy..
(Jerry rushes in with a box of candy)
JERRY
Hey, George!
GEORGE
Hey, starving! (Grabs the box from Jerry)
JERRY
No, last one. Listen, you gotta help
me out. Elaine and Puddy just broke
up, he's treatin' me just like a regular
customer, now!
GEORGE
I tried to tell you, but you wouldn't
listen. No, ho, ho! You were gonna get
a deal, huh? There's now laws in this
place. Anything goes! It's
Thunderdome!
(A saleswoman approaches them)
SALESWOMAN
Is someone helping you?
(Jerry and George quickly avoid her by leaving the room)
GEORGE
Stay back!
(Scene ends)
Dealership car)
RICK
(Trying to look at the gas gauge) Where
is it now?
KRAMER
There's still some overlap between the
needle and the slash below the "E".
RICK
How long are you gonna go?
KRAMER
Oh, I've been in the slash many times.
This is nothing. You'll get used to
it. Just, (Makes a popping sound) get
it out of your mind.
RICK
Have you ever been completely below
the slash?
KRAMER
Well, I almost did once, and I blacked
out. When I came to, the car was in
a ditch, and the tank was full. I don't
know who did it, and I never got to
thank them..
RICK
(As the car slowly drifts off the road)
Mr. Kramer, the road!
(Kramer swerves around, trying to get back in place)
KRAMER
Whoop! Whoop!
(Scene ends)
Puddy's office)
(Jerry and George are in conference)
JERRY
(Threatening tone) So, listen, Puddy.
When we first started this deal, I thought
things were gonna be different. Now,
if you want to play hard ball, I got
my
friend, George, here, and he can play pretty hard.. ball. (Leaving
the negotiation to George) George, vein it up.
GEORGE
Alright, Puddy, listen, and listen good:
I need to know the name of that mechanic
that walks around here. Big guy, a liar.
Short name. Sam? Moe? Sol?!
JERRY
George! Can we focus on the car, here?
GEORGE
I'm starving! I can feel my stomach
sucking up against my spine.
PUDDY
(Handing a sheet of paper to Jerry)
Jerry, I just need your signature, here,
and we'll get you that yellow car ready
to go.
JERRY
Yellow? I wanted black.
PUDDY
I can't give you black at that price.
JERRY
(Pleading) George, could you help me,
please?
GEORGE
(Standing up) Yes. This is wrong!
JERRY
Sing it, sister!
GEORGE
Just because a candy bar fails to fall
from its perch..!
JERRY
(Exasperated) Uhhh..
GEORGE
(Losing it) ..does not imply transfer
of ownership. Moe, Sol, or... Lem is not
gonna get away with this!
(Jerry follows George out the office)
JERRY
(To Puddy) I'll be right back.
PUDDY
Okay.
(Jerry catches up with George)
JERRY
Hey, George!
(Scene ends)
Dealership car)
(The needle is now below "E". Rick is looking at it)
RICK
Is it just the angle I'm looking from?
KRAMER
No, Sir. We are down there.
RICK
Oh, this is amazing! Oh, I've never
felt so alive!
KRAMER
Yeah, well, alright. I'm satisfied.
We better get some gas.
RICK
What? Well, we can't stop now.
KRAMER
What do you mean?
RICK
We have to keep going - all the way
back to the dealership. That was the
plan.
KRAMER
There was no plan.
RICK
Well, let's make it the plan! Let's
just.. go for it! Like Thelma and Louise.
KRAMER
What, they drove to a dealership?
RICK
No, they drove off a cliff.
(Kramer eyes Rick, frightened)
KRAMER
You are one sick mama.. I like it.
RICK
Mr. Kramer, the road!
(Kramer swerves around again)
KRAMER
Yup! Yup!
(Scene ends)
Elaine's apartment)
(Phone rings, she answers it)
ELAINE
Hello?
JERRY
(Over the phone) Elaine, you've got
to get back down to the dealer. Puddy
is screwin' me on this car, which is
yellow now!
ELAINE
(Jokingly mimicking Jerry) Who is this?
JERRY
(Banging the phone against the booth)
Elaine!
(Elaine flinches with every loud banging noise)
ELAINE
What?!
JERRY
You gotta get back together with Puddy
so I can make this deal.
ELAINE
(Sarcastic) You know, just that you
cared enough to call means so much,
Jerry.
JERRY
You're gonna get back together, anyway.
It's thousands of dollars!
ELAINE
Oh, I don't know..
JERRY
Come on. Then you don't have to see
him again ‘til my 15,000-mile check.
ELAINE
Well, will you pay my cab fare out there?
JERRY
Fine.
ELAINE
And I didn't like that roast beef, so
how ‘bout some lunch?
JERRY
No. No lunch.
ELAINE
I'll hang the phone up right now!
JERRY
Alright! Lunch!
ELAINE
I'll see ya. (Hanging up the phone)
JERRY
Bye. (Hangs up)
JERRY
(Frustrated, he reacts) Everybody's
ripping me off!
(Scene cuts to George at the customer complaint window)
GEORGE
I'd like to report a problem with one
of your mechanics.
WILLIE
When did you bring the car in?
GEORGE
(To the man behind him in line) Yeah
right.. I'm gonna get my car repaired
at a dealership. Huh! Why don't I just
flush my money down the toilet?
WILLIE
Sir, what, exactly, is the problem?
GEORGE
One of your guys - Kip, or Ned, short
name - stole my Twix candy bar!
WILLIE
Are you saying he grabbed the candy
bar away from you?
GEORGE
He might as well have! I caught him,
and his face was covered in chocolate
and cookie crumbs.
WILLIE
I thought you said it was a Twix.
GEORGE
Oh, it was. But he claimed it was a
5th Avenue bar.
WILLIE
Maybe it was.
GEORGE
Oh, no, no. Twix is the only candy with
the cookie crunch.
WILLIE
What about the $100,000 bar?
GEORGE
No. Rice and caramel.
WILLIE
Nougat?
GEORGE
No.
WILLIE
Positive?
GEORGE
Please.
(A woman appears from behind the window)
WOMAN
You know they changed the name from
$100,000 bar to 100 Grand?
GEORGE
All I want is my seventy-five cents
back, an apology, and for him to be
fired!
(An old man sitting in a nearby chair speaks up. He's Willie's
father)
WILLIE SR
I remember when you used to be able
to get a Hershey for a nickel.
(The man behind George speaks up)
MAN
What's the one with the swirling chocolate
in the commercial?
GEORGE
They all have swirling chocolate in
the commercial!
WILLIE SR
Not Skittles.
WILLIE
Dad, I told you you could sit here only
if you don't talk.
WOMAN
(Sitting behind George) You make your
father sit here all day?
WILLIE
He likes it!
GEORGE
Alright! Do you mind? I have the window!
(To Willie) Now, what are you gonna
do about my Twix?
MAN
(In line behind George) Twix has too
much coconut.
GEORGE
No! There's no coconut!
WOMAN
(Behind service window) I'm allergic
to coconut.
WILLIE
I'm not.
WILLIE SR
..A nickel!
(Scene ends)
Dealership office showroom)
(Elaine enters, and hands Jerry the receipt for her cab)
ELAINE
Cab receipt. Hey, Puddy.
PUDDY
I'm with a customer.
(Elaine throws up her hands, giving a face of dissatisfaction,
and starts to walk away)
ELAINE
Uh..
JERRY
No, no. No, Elaine, the car can wait.
What's important is you two getting
back together. Eh, then we'll talk about
the car.
PUDDY
(Like a kid) I don't want to get back
with her. She's too bossy.
ELAINE
(Raising her finger at him, in an authoritative
tone) David..
JERRY
Okay. Now, I know this is an important
decision. Why don't we all just sit
down and talk about it? Come on, come
on. Now, look, you both find each
other attractive, right?
ELAINE AND PUDDY
Right.
JERRY
Clearly, no one else can stand to be
with either one of you..
ELAINE
I guess.
PUDDY
Good point.
JERRY
(Smiling, like a salesman) Alright.
Now, what do I have to do to put you
two in a relationship today?
(Scene ends)
Gas station)
(Kramer pulls the car into a gas station and gets out)
KRAMER
Cars can go on empty, but not us humans,
huh, fella? I'll get us a couple of
Twix bars.
RICK
No, no coconut for me.
KRAMER
Alright, I'll get ya a Mounds bar. Keep
the engine running.
(Rick sits back in the car a second, then hurriedly jumps out
and reaches for the gas pump. Kramer pops up from behind the
pump and scares him)
RICK
Ahh!
KRAMER
No, man! Not the gas!
RICK
But it needs it, Kramer! It needs it
bad!
KRAMER
Do you think that this'll make you happy?
‘Cause it won't!
RICK
(Walking away) Ah, you can just go on
without me.
(Kramer grabs him by the collar)
KRAMER
Listen to me. When that car rolls into
that dealership, and that tank is bone
dry, I want you to be there with me
when everyone says, "Kramer and that
other guy, oh, they went further to the left of the slash than
anyone ever dreamed!"
(The car makes puttering noises)
RICK
Maybe we better get moving.
KRAMER
It's good to have you back, Stan.
(Both hop into the car)
RICK
It's Rick, by the way.
KRAMER
No time!
(Scene ends)
Dealership's customer service room)
WILLIE
Mr. Costanza, I really don't have time
for this.
GEORGE
Now, if this mechanic guy, was, in fact,
eating a 5th Avenue bar, as he claimed,
wouldn't you agree he would have no
problem picking one out from a
candy line-up?
WILLIE
"Candy line-up"?
GEORGE
I've spent the last hour preparing ten
candy bars with no wrappers of identification
of any kind for him to select from.
WILLIE
It took you an hour?
GEORGE
Only I hold the answer key to their
true candy identities. And so, without
further ado, I give you.. the candy
line-up. (Opens a door to a back room.
Various dealership employees are munching on candy bars)
SALESWOMAN
Hey, Willie, check it out! Free candy!
GEORGE
That's my candy line-up! Where are all
my cards?! They're - they're all on
the floor!
(George starts picking up the numbered cards from off the floor.
He sees the mechanic eating one of the candy bars)
GEORGE
And you! How many Twix does that make
for you, today?! Like, 8 Twix?!
MECHANIC
No.
MAN
Hey, this Clark bar is good.
GEORGE
It's a Twix! They're all Twix! It was
a setup! A setup, I tell ya! And you've
robbed it! You've all screwed me again!
Now, gimme one! Gimme a Twix!
MECHANIC
They're all gone.
GEORGE
(Yelling out, frustrated. The camera
spins from a top angle) Ttttttwwwwiiiiiixxxxx!
(Scene cuts to Elaine, Puddy and Jerry, all in conference)
ELAINE
What was that?
PUDDY
There's a mental hospital right near
here.
JERRY
Alright. Elaine, David, I believe we
have a deal here in principle: Arby's
- no more than once a month. In exchange,
Elaine comes to your softball game,
and
doesn't read a book.
ELAINE
(While looking over the contract Jerry
just drew up) Yeah, well, that's not
bad.
PUDDY
I can live with that.
JERRY
So, you're back together?
PUDDY
Yeah.
(Jerry sees them stare at each other, smiling)
JERRY
Alright, alright. Alright, that's enough!
Let's get back to my deal. That undercoating,
that's just a rip-off, isn't it, David?
PUDDY
Oh, we don't even know what it is.
JERRY
So, I'm gettin' the insider's deal?
PUDDY
Insider's deal. (Holds up his hand)
High-five.
(Jerry gives a face of resentment)
(Scene ends)
Dealership car)
(Rick and Kramer are driving back to the dealership)
RICK
(Seeing the turn-off up ahead) There's
the dealer!
KRAMER
Hey!
RICK
We did! We pulled it off! I can't believe
it! Where's the needle?
KRAMER
Oh, it broke off, baby! Woo, hoo, hoo!
RICK
Oh, Mr. Kramer, I gotta thank you. I
- I learned a lot. Things are gonna
be different for me now.
KRAMER
Well, that's a weird thing to say..
RICK
I wonder how much longer we could have
lasted.
KRAMER
Yeah, yeah. I wonder.. hmm.
(They both eye each other, then Kramer slams on the gas, attempting
to go even longer. They both cheer and scream out)
(Scene ends)
NYC Cab)
(Elaine, George, and Jerry are riding home in a cab)
ELAINE
This is nice. What kind of car is this?
CABBIE
Caprice Classic.
ELAINE
(To Jerry) You couldn't just give him
one high-five?
JERRY
And where does it end? Then, everyone's
doin' it. It's like the wave at ball
games. Air quotes. The phrase, "Don't
go there." - Someone's gotta take a
stand!
GEORGE
(Munching on a hamburger) This Arby's
is good.
ELAINE
So, George, I still don't understand
- how was that a setup?
JERRY
And who were you tryin' to set up, anyway?
The mechanic or the manager?
GEORGE
(In the spotlight) I don't know. All
of ‘em. They're all crooks! Besides,
I couldn't get all different candy bars,
anyway.
(Kramer and Rick speed by the cab in the Saab - both screaming
and yelling)
GEORGE
What was that?
JERRY
I think there's a mental hospital near
here.
ELAINE
Very near.
(Scene cuts to Kramer and Rick. Still yelling, they slowly come
to a stop)
KRAMER
Whew! Well, I think we stopped.
RICK
You - you can probably let go of my
hand now.
KRAMER
Oh, yeah. (Getting out of the car) Well,
I'll think about it..
RICK
Do you have my card?
THE END
|
