THE DIPLOMAT'S CLUB
Written by
Tom Gammill & Max Pross
(Comedy club)
JERRY
What's this little scam the airlines
have goin' now with these special clubs?
Hundred fifty dollars a year to sit
in a room, eat peanuts, drink coffee
and soda, and read magazines. Excuse
me, but isn't this the flight? I already
got four hours of this comin' to me...
What am I paying for? How bout' an 'I
got all my luggage club'? Can I get
into that club? Where is that club?
I would like to join that club. Airlines
love to divide us into classes. You
know like when you're sitting in coach,
the stewardess always closes that stupid
curtain. Always gives you that look,
like, maybe if you would work a little
harder...
JERRY
What time does your flight get in? Six?
All right, that gives us six hours.
Then I'll meet you at the diplomat's
club. I'll be the one without the big
red sash. Okay, see you tonight. (Hangs
up)
ELAINE
Is that the supermodel?
JERRY
Yep, she's not gonna be back for a month,
but I got six hours.
ELAINE
I thought you had a show in Ithaca.
JERRY
I do, but it's three o'clock and then
I'm flying right back and meeting Bridget
at the Diplomat's Club in the airport.
ELAINE
Well, guess what I'm doing. I'm going
to Mr. Pitt's, and I am telling him
that I am quitting.
JERRY
So that's it? You know I never even
met the guy.
ELAINE
I've had enough. I am marchin' in.
JERRY
You're marchin' in.
ELAINE
I'm marchin'. (Enter George)
GEORGE
Hey.
JERRY
Hey. Elaine's quitting.
GEORGE
Really?
ELAINE
I'm marchin' in.
GEORGE
I've done the march in. Best feeling
in the world.
JERRY
How 'bout the march out?
GEORGE
Not as good. That's when you realize
all the money you're losing.
ELAINE
This is it. Wish me luck.
JERRY
Get a march goin'! March it! (She exits)
GEORGE
Jerry, I need to borrow your camera.
JERRY
Why?
GEORGE
Well, I wanna put a picture of me and
my boss Mr. Morgan up at the office.
JERRY
What for?
GEORGE
They're reorganizing the staff, and
I'm on thin ice with this guy as it
is.
JERRY
Isn't putting this guy's picture on
your desk a little transparent?
GEORGE
It better be.
ELAINE
Mr. Pitt, I have something to tell you.
PITT
One second Elaine.
ELAINE
Mr. Pitt...
PITT
Elaine, you know what I just did? I
just amended my will to include you
as a beneficiary.
ELAINE
What?
PITT
Well, I think of you as part of my family.
You've come to be like a daughter to
me and I want to make sure you're taken
care of after I'm gone.
ELAINE
(Flattered) Mr. Pitt...
PITT
(Sneezes) Elaine, I feel a cold coming
on. Could you get me a cold pill from
the medicine cabinet?
ELAINE
Oh no no, Mr. Pitt, you mustn't. You
have to check with the pharmacy before
you combine anything with your heart
medicine,
PITT
Yes, yes, I'll check with the pharmacist.
ELAINE
We don't want anything to happen to
you Mr. Pitt. We want you to live a
long, long time.
GEORGE
(Holding camera) Look at this, I only
have one picture left... How 'bout a
shot of me and Mr. Morgan?
MORGAN
Why?
GEORGE
Why? Because we're a team! C'mon! Would
you take this for us, dear? Thank you
very much. Here we go... (To Morgan)
Anyone ever tell you you look a lot
like Sugar Ray Leonard? Yeah, you must
get that all the time.
MORGAN
I suppose we all look alike to you,
right Costanza?
GEORGE
No, not a racial thing, there really
is a resemblance...
...
.....................????recessed on the floor.
ELAINE
Oh my God.
WOMAN
Who are you?
PITT
This is the girl I want to put in my
will. Elaine...
MAN
Please, rest Mr. Pitt.
WOMAN
You're the assistant? Why weren't you
taking care of him?
ELAINE
Well, he gave me the morning off, I
was doing a little... shopping. How
did this happen?
MAN
Took a very dangerous combination: prescription
heart medicine and these other pills.
ELAINE
Mr. Pitt, you were s'posed to talk with
the pharmacist.
PITT
I spoke to someone who worked there.
ELAINE
I'm gonna go and call that pharmacist.
(She exits)
WOMAN
How well do you know her?
KATIE
Jerry, listen, just so you know, before
we take off they're gonna tell us what
to do in the vent of a crash-
JERRY
Yes, I know. I've flown before.
KATIE
Oh good. I just didn't want you to freak
out... The chance of a crash is very
slim. Do you have to go to the bathroom?
JERRY
No.
KATIE
(Pause) Because even if you have (Jerry
gets up to go) to go a little you'd
better go now because you won't get
another chance until way after take
off.
KRAMER
Hey, how you doin'?
EARL
Pretty good.
KRAMER
Name's Kramer.
EARL
Earl Hafler, nice to meet you. I'm headed
to Houston, where you headed?
KRAMER
Oh I'm happy right here. Isn't this
place amazing? Planes flying in from
all corners of the world, and they know
the minute they're arriving.
EARL
Ah they don't know a darn thing. That's
why my flight the Houston's been delayed.
They're all morons. Matter of fact,
I'll bet you that that flight to Pittsburgh
takes off before my flight to Houston.
KRAMER
Bet? Um, not betting.
EARL
Friendly wager.
KRAMER
I haven't made a bet in three years,
I-
EARL
Ah c'mon. Keep things interesting, pass
the time.
KRAMER
Okay, how much?
EARL
How 'bout 200?
KRAMER
You're on, cowboy!
GEORGE
How ya doin'?
MAN
Okay.
GEORGE
Nice day today.
MAN
What?
GEORGE
I'm George. George Costanza, you live
around here?
INTERCOM
Now arriving at gate 12...
EARL
This could be Mexico City.
KRAMER
C'mon Seattle, let's go.
EARL
Come on, Mexico City!
KRAMER
Seattle, yeah!
INTERCOM
...flight 42 from Mexico City.
KRAMER
All right, c'mon, let's go again.
ELAINE
Mr. Pitt, do you need anything?
PITT
No.
ELAINE
You need something to sit up. Why don't
I get you a pillow?
PITT
Okay.
KATIE
It's a pretty full house, the lighting
guy's name is Lew, he's got a birthday
next week.
JERRY
I don't care.
KATIE
By the way, Jerry, I don't want you
to freak out, but the pilot is going
to be in the audience.
JERRY
Who?
KATIE
Remember the plane we took here? The
pilot is gonna be sitting out there
watching the show.
JERRY
I don't care, why are you telling me
this?
KATIE
I just didn't want you to freak out
when you saw him.
JERRY
Why would I freak out? (To himself)
Pilot...
OFF STAGE
Ladies and gentlemen, a big hand for
Mr. Jerry Seinfeld! (Clapping)
JERRY
Hey, all right. Good afternoon Ithaca.
Welcome, good to see you here... Boy,
I'll tell you, there's an awful lot
of those orange cones you have on the
throughway... (Sees pilot) on the way...
up here... um... I..
KATIE
It didn't go very well, did it?
JERRY
No, it didn't. And you know why? Seeing
the pilot in the audience really freaked
me out.
KATIE
I knew it.
JERRY
If you hadn't mentioned anything, I
would have been fine. I became obsessed
with him.
KATIE
Why did we invite him? Stupid, stupid.
when he asked for a ticket, I should
have said no. I'm gonna go chew him
out.
JERRY
Oh, it doesn't matter now.
KATIE
Don't worry, Jerry. I'm on top of this.
JERRY
Yeah, you're on top of it, and I'm on
the bottom!
EARL
Well, Mr. Kramer, looks like you're
in the hole $3200... Will that be cash
or check?
KRAMER
All right, look, one more bet. Double
or nothing. C'mon.
EARL
All right, but I wanna see some cash
on the table.
KRAMER
All right, let me call my bank. You
stay here. (He calls)
N
Hello?
KRAMER
Yeah, it's, uh, me.
N
Hey, what's up?
KRAMER
All right, listen. I need some cash.
N
What for?
KRAMER
I just need it, that's all.
N
Oh no. Don't tell me. You're gambling
again, aren't you? Oh you weak, weak
man. Where are you?
KRAMER
I'm at the airport.
N
The airport?
KRAMER
We've been betting on arrivals and departures.
(Newman rolls eyes) But I'm down $3200
, so you've gotta get me some cash.
N
I don't have that kinda dough.
KRAMER
Sure you do.
N
Oh no, no, not the bag!
KRAMER
Oh help me man, I'm desperate!
N
All right, all right.
INTERCOM
Sorry for the delay, folks, there is
a slight complication that we're taking
care of, and then we'll be on our way
to La Guardia...
JERRY
(To Katie) What is the complication?
FLISHT ATTENDANT
Mr. Seinfeld?
JERRY
Yes?
FA
I'm sorry, but the pilot has asked that
you leave this plane.
JERRY
What?
FA
Apparently, he has some sort of problem
with you.
KATIE
I'm not surprised. I really let him
have it, Jerry. He has no business being
in your audience if you didn't want
him there.
JERRY
I didn't care.
FA
Well, now the pilot doesn't want you
on his plane.
JERRY
He can't just throw me off the plane!
FA
Yes he can, if he has cause to believe
a passenger will be a disturbance.
JERRY
But I'm not a disturbance!
FA
Well, apparently you are disturbing
him, sir.
JERRY
But someone is waiting for me!
KATIE
Jerry, I don't want you to freak out.
JERRY
I'm freakin' out! I am freakin' out!
KATIE
There's a flight leaving at eight, and
another one at eight-thirty, which one
do you want?
JERRY
Which one do you think I want?
KATIE
The eight will get you in a little earlier.
JERRY
Then we'll make it the eight.
KATIE
I'll book a hotel, do you want a standard
room or mini suite?)
JERRY
Hotel?
KATIE
Yeah, it's eight in the morning.
JERRY
No, no, no. I have to get home tonight.
Bridget's gonna be waiting for me at
the Diplomat's Club. Rent a car.
KATIE
Mid-size, luxury, or sports model, what's
your preference?
JERRY
I don't have a preference, okay! Just
make a decision yourself! Stop bothering
me with every minor little detail, please?
KATIE
Okay, you're a big celebrity. (She exits)
GEORGE
Yo.
JERRY
George.
GEORGE
Hey, Jerry, how was Ithaca?
JERRY
I'm still here. Listen, you gotta go
down to the Diplomat's Club...
GEORGE
Hey, Jerry, what was the name of the
exterminator who fumigated your apartment
when you had fleas?
JERRY
Carl, I think.
GEORGE
Carl... Yeah, he was a nice guy.
JERRY
Yeah, he was nice.
GEORGE
What company was it?
JERRY
Defent.
GEORGE
Yeah, you know we spoke for a little
bit...
JERRY
You need an exterminator?
GEORGE
No, not really.
JERRY
Oh, don't tell me. 'Cause he's black?
GEORGE
Gotta go.
JERRY
George, George!
JERRY
Hello, this is Jerry Seinfeld. Is Elaine
there?
WOMAN
Hold on... Elaine, there's a Jerry Seinfeld
on the phone for you.
ELAINE
Hello?
JERRY
Elaine, I need you to do me a big favor.
I need you to go down to the Diplomat's
Club and meet Bridget for me. I'm going
to be late.
ELAINE
That's at the airport, right?
JERRY
Right, I don't want Bridget to think
I stood her up. I'll never get another
date with her. She'll freak out.
ELAINE
All right, all right. You sound a little
freaked out yourself.
JERRY
I am a little freaked out!
ELAINE
Calm down, I'll take care of it. (Ms.
Walker looks suspicious of Elaine)
JERRY
All right, but you have to go now.
ELAINE
I said I'll take care of it!
N
Kramer.
KRAMER
Hey.
N
Okay, here it is.
KRAMER
Good. (To Earl) Here's my collateral.
EARL
So it's a mailbag, so what?
N
So what? Do you know whose mailbag that
is?
EARL
(Reading) David Berkowitz.
N
Son of Sam. The worst mass murderer
the post office ever produced.
EARL
Where did you get this?
N
I took over his route. And boy, were
there a lot of dogs on that route.
EARL
Any of 'em talk to you?
N
Just to tell me to keep off the snacks!
EARL
(To Kramer) Your buddy's a helluva guy.
KRAMER
Yeah, don't I know it.
EARL
Okay, Cosmo, we're back in business.
Let's check out the board. Now, who
do you like?
KRAMER
All right, how 'bout Ithaca vs. Boston?
EARL
All right, I'll give you a sportin'
chance. I'll take Ithaca.
KRAMER
Double or nothin'.
EARL
Double or nothin'.
N
I hope you know what you're doing...
(Kramer gives Newman a look of lack
of confidence)
JERRY
(Wakes up) Where are we?
KATIE
I'm not sure.
JERRY
Is this even a road?
KATIE
Oh we lost the road a half hour ago.
JERRY
What? Why didn't you wake me up?
KATIE
You told me not to bother you with minor
details.
JERRY
No, road is a major detail!
KATIE
Okay, now I know. Should I keep going
or turn around, do you have a preference?
JERRY
(Pointing ahead) Look out!
GEORGE
May I help you?
CARL
I'm the exterminator.
GEORGE
Oh, yes of course, come in.
CARL
Why didn't you want me to bring my equipment
or wear my uniform?
GEORGE
Yes, well, if the other people in the
office saw that I called an exterminator,
they would just panic. Besides, this
is sort of a friendly visit. Carl, right?
CARL
Do I know you?
GEORGE
Yeah, sure, we met at Jerry Seinfeld's
apartment. When you fumigated for fleas
over there.
CARL
Seinfeld... Oh yeah, funny white guy,
right?
GEORGE
Jerry? Yes, I suppose he is white. You
know, I never really thought about it.
I don't see people in terms of color.
You know, there's someone I'd like you
to meet. Hand on... (To phone) Is Mr.
Morgan in?
PHONE
Mr. Morgan left for dinner.
GEORGE
He left... huh... Carl, you hungry?
TV
Here's a new twist on car pooling: Early
this morning, a lost Manhattanite drove
through a residential backyard and wound
up in a swimming pool near Ithaca, New
York. Comedian Jerry Seinfeld, a passenger,
seemed a little freaked out.
JERRY
That's it! No more questions! I don't
care!
PITT
That's him! That's the man who gave
me the pills in the drug store! He's
no pharmacist.
WOMAN
Jerry Seinfeld... I know that name.
He called here earlier for Elaine. (She
looks at Mr. Pitt)
GEORGE
(To Carl) Oh, by the way, order anything
you want, it's all on me. Just do me
a tiny favor: pretend we're old friends.
Oh my God! Mr. Morgan! What a coincidence,
it's Mr. Morgan. Mr. Morgan, I want
you to meet a dear old friend of mine,
Carl.
CARL
I'm the exterminator. (Morgan confused)
GEORGE
That's... what we used to call him in
high school, the exterminator. He's
a linebacker. Oh, did we have some wild
times.
EARL
Well, that Newman was your good luck
charm.
KRAMER
Yeah, he was.
EARL
I should have quitted at double or nothin'.
Travelers checks acceptable?
KRAMER
Oh I accept.
N
(Talking to another man) ...yeah he
worked in the cubicle right next to
me. We once double dated.
KRAMER
Yeah, it's a pleasure doin' business
with a gentleman like yourself. (Elaine
enters)
ELAINE
Kramer.
KRAMER
Oh hi Elaine. What are you doing here?
ELAINE
Jerry asked me to meet his girlfriend
here. Did you here about his plane in
Ithaca?
EARL
What about the plane in Ithaca?
ELAINE
Oh, our stupid friend freaked out the
pilot. Single handedly delayed the plane
a whole hour. Can you believe that?
KRAMER
Boy...
EARL
Your friend caused the delay?
ELAINE
Uh huh.
EARL
You're a cheat! Nobody hustles Earl
Hafler.
KRAMER
C'mon!
EARL
See you around, Cosmo.
KRAMER
What?
ELAINE
Poison you? Jerry Seinfeld tried to
poison you? Wha? Mr. Pitt, what are
you, delirious? He's never even met
you!
PITT
You're fired, Elaine. Goodbye.
ELAINE
Goodbye? (Elaine thinks of memories
with Mr. Pitt)
JERRY
Bridget!
BRIDGET
Jerry, what happened?
JERRY
Oh, I'm so sorry. I got stuck out of
town. I missed our whole time together.
BRIDGET
Well, my plane doesn't leave for another
half hour.
JERRY
Really? (They start to make out, Jerry
sees the pilot on the plane) Oh my God,
that's him! That's the pilot!
GEORGE
I love this place. You know, Carl and
I come here all the time.
MORGAN
Is that right?
CARL
Yeah, I come here all the time. You
wouldn't believe the rat problems in
the kitchen.
MORGAN
(George spits out food) I thought so.
You really are an exterminator. This
time, George, you've sunk to a new low.
(He leaves)
GEORGE
Check, please.
WAITER
Hey, Sugar Ray Leonard can eat here
on the house.
GEORGE
Mr. Morgan! Did you hear that? Mr. Morgan!
THE END
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