THE DOODLE
Written by
Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer
(Comedy club)
JERRY
They call themselves exterminators but
they can't really do it. The best they
can do is get the bugs to somebody else's
house. They just relocate them , y'know
what I mean, they're bug realtors is
what they are. Ahmmmm.. I'll think you'll
be happy here , there's a lotta crumbs
not much light, ahmmm they usually sleep
through the night, so you'll really
have a (?) of the place. Nobody really
cares about killing insects, even the
animal rights people don't care. You
could probably walk into an animal rights
organization meeting and hear a speech
like; The only way to stop the cruelty
of the scientific testing on animals
is (slaps his face)...Ha! Got him ,
is to boycott these companies.
GEORGE
Jerry it's funny, Paula and I actually
met because of Elaine.
PAULA
Elaine is in my drawing class at the
new school
GEORGE
..And I went down there one time to
see...
JERRY
(cuts in) A nude model.
GEORGE
If Elaine wanted to get some coffee.
JERRY
You know I went out once with a nude
model. Never let me see her naked. Hundreds
of people see
her naked every week, except me. Needless to say it was quite
vexing.
GEORGE
Are you through?
JERRY
Yeah!
GEORGE
So Anyway, I started to compliment Elaine
on her sketches and it turns out,they're
Paula's.
PAULA
George, I just like to doodle
Jerry picks up a pecan that his girlfriend had just masticated.
GEORGE
Oh! Dropped a napkin...(Whispers) Jerry!
JERRY
What?
GEORGE
What are you doing?...She had those
nuts in her mouth , she just spit them
out.
JERRY
(spits the nut) OooH!!! You. you ate
these? You sucked on these and put them
on the plate?
SHELLY
Well I didn't know you were gonna eat
them?
JERRY
Soo...
SHELLY
I'm sorry you find me so repulsive?
JERRY
No ,no I don't, I mean, Don't be silly..
SHELLY
Yeah!
JERRY
It's just...
SHELLY
Well, hem ,if you'll excuse me I think
I'll just go to the ladies room.
PAULA
I'll join you.
JERRY
Oh! man did you see that. I ate discarded
food.
GEORGE
Well I've done that.
JERRY
Yeah, but with you it's intentional.
GEORGE
Haven't you kissed her?
JERRY
Yeah, but this is different , this is
like ,you know, semi digested food stuff.
You know the next stop
is the stomach and you can take it from there.
George stops a passing busboy
GEORGE
Excuse me just for a second. ( fixes
his hair looking at his reflection in
a coffee pot.)
Jerry; AH. Yes that's gonna make a big difference.
GEORGE
This is dating , you can't leave anything
to chance.
JERRY
Hey ,You think that Shelly's upset that
I made such a big deal about the pecan.
GEORGE
Hehummm , Yeah!
JERRY
Thanks.
GEORGE
No problem.
The girls return from the ladies room.
SHELLY
Well Jerry , I guess we should get going
.
JERRY
Ah! boy.
GEORGE
Well , it was very nice meeting you
Shelly and Jerry be careful ,there's
a lot of nuts out there.
( to Paula) All right you have everything?
PAULA
Can you grab my purse.
GEORGE
Yeah.( reaches for the purse and finds
a piece of paper . he looks annoyed.
Monks , next day .George showing Jerry the piece of paper he
picked up
JERRY
Yeah! So
George; Don't you see what this is?
JERRY
Yeah! It's a doodle.
GEORGE
Yeah!, a doodle of me...look at the
size of the nose , the ears, all my
features are distorted.
JERRY
Oh!.It's an affectionate caricature.
GEORGE
I'm grotesque . I look like a troll.
JERRY
It's just a drawing.
GEORGE
Don't you see what this says? How can
you possibly like somebody ,if you think
they look like this?
Elaine walks in
GEORGE
(gets up to leave the table) HELLO!!!
(angrily)
ELAINE
What is with him?
JERRY
the usual
ELAINE
So, you know what? My friend Judy recommended
me for a job at Viking Press.
JERRY
Good for you
ELAINE
Yeah! But get this. Viking has a deal
with the Plaza Hotel, they got a two
bedroom suite, there ,
for out-of-town clients...So guess what I did?
JERRY
Oh! Come on, you told them you're from
out-of-town just so you could stay in
a hotel room.
ELAINE
I know, I know Jerry.. but it's The
Plazaaa... I've never stayed there .It'll
be like a little vacation
JERRY
Well be sure to catch a Broadway show
while you're in town.
ELAINE
( laughs)Listen, I've used your parents
address in Florida.
JERRY
Oh! There coming to town tomorrow by
the way.
ELAINE
Hey. What's this.?.
JERRY
Don't ask.
ELAINE
What is it ..A drawing of Mr. Magoo
JERRY
No ,it's George ( Elaine laughs heartily)
George comes back
ELAINE
It is..
GEORGE
You enjoying yourself? (More laughs
from Elaine)
ELAINE
Sorry.
GEORGE
You see. You see! Listen when is your
next drawing class?
ELAINE
Tomorrow .
GEORGE
All right, I want you to do me a favor.
ELAINE
What?
GEORGE
I want you to find out is she likes
me.
ELAINE
Find out if likes you?. What, are you
in High School?...George come on can't
you just talk to her yourself?
GEORGE
But she's gonna know that I like her
more than she likes me.
JERRY
You know my parents are coming in and
I got some clean up to do , so if you
and Potsie are done scheming....
Jerry's apartment
KRAMER
Well, they're in...
JERRY
What's in?
KRAMER
The MACANAW PEACHES ,Jerry , the MACANAW
PEACHES!!!!
JERRY
Aah! .. right. The ones from Oregon
that are only ripe for two weeks a year..
KRAMER
Yeah Yeah I split a case with Newman..I
waited all year for this.. Oooh this
is fantastic..
Makes your taste buds come alive....It's like having a circus
in your mouth.....Take a taste
JERRY
Nah, I don't wanna
KRAMER
Come on ,Just take a taste
JERRY
I don't want it..
KRAMER
Come on JUST TASTE!!!
JERRY
I DON'T WANT IT ....
KRAMER
HE..YA. AYA. AYYYYYAAAAA!!!!
JERRY
I am not gonna taste your peach. I ate
some one's pecan last night, I'm not
gonna eat your peach.
KRAMER
Jerry , this is a miracle of nature
that exists for a brief period. It's
like the Aurora Borealis.
Jerry scratches his ankle furiously
JERRY
..What is this?
KRAMER
What?
JERRY
Yeah! I think I got flea bites.
KRAMER
Flea bites?
JERRY
Look at this, my ankle's all bitten
up.
KRAMER
You got a dog?
JERRY
No.
KRAMER
Well, that is strange.
JERRY
How could I have fleas?
KRAMER
Don't sweat it buddy...I used to have
fleas.
JERRY
What did you do about them?
KRAMER
What do you mean?...
Jerry's parents come through the door.
MORTY
Hey guys . Jerry . Kramer
HELEN
Hi Jerry......What's wrong?
JERRY
Nothing...
HELEN
Jerry, I'm your mother, now what is
it?
JERRY
Mom, Dad.....I have fleas..
Elaine's drawing class
ELAINE
Hey Paula!.. I hear you been going out
with George Costanza?
PAULA
How did you know??
ELAINE
Everybody knows. y'know George told
me he thinks you're totally cute and
everything.
PAULA
He said that?
ELAINE
Ha hum...Do you like George?
PAULA
Yeaaah! he's cool.
ELAINE
No I mean...Do you like him or do you
like him like him?
PAULA
Like like.. looks aren't important to
me ,you know?
TEACHER
Miss Benes , Are you chewing gum?
ELAINE
(nods) HumHummmm....
Elaine spits the gum in the waste basket then as the teacher
turns around she makes a throwing up
motion at Paula .
Later at jerry's
KARL
Yep!...In your bedroom too Mr. Seinfeld.
You've got a full outbreak of fleas
on your hands.
JERRY
I don't get this. How did this happen.
I don't have a dog.
KARL
I don't explain 'em Mr. Seinfeld. I
just exterminate them.
JERRY
I don't understand this..
KARL
I 'm gonna have to seal the place up
for 48 hours and fog it. That's the
only way to get rid of them.
JERRY
Nobody can be in here for 48 hours,
I got my parents in town.
KARL
Well , unless you want to kill them.
They can't stay in here. This stuff
is pretty toxic. I'll go get my
stuff, it's in the truck.
JERRY
Okay..
Elaine comes in
ELAINE
Hi....???
Jerry; Bug guy.
ELAINE
Why do you have a bug guy?
JERRY
I have fleas.
ELAINE
Argh.. Fleas ( strikes the purse she
just deposited on the couch) How did
you get fleas?
JERRY
I don't know...But every one's got to
clear out of the apartment for two days.
I don't know what I'm
gonna do with my parents. they'll never let me pay for a hotel
and if they go to someplace on their
own I'm sure it's gonna be some awful dump. Wait a second.. Have
you checked in The Plaza yet?
ELAINE
No....Oh No....
JERRY
Come on,c'mon
ELAINE
No, No...
JERRY
c'mon ,c'mon....
ELAINE
No, No...
JERRY
c'mon, c'mon....
ELAINE
No, No....Yesss!!!!!!
JERRY
Yes!!!
Door buzzer
JERRY
Yes!!!
GEORGE
yeah!
ELAINE
Well what about you. Where you gonna
stay?
JERRY
I dunno , I'm gonna ask Shelley ,but
she still might be upset from the masticated
pecan incident.
ELAINE
Hey!! I found out from Paula; She likes
George. I'll bet he'll be relieved.
JERRY
Yeah.. When he's dead he'll be relieved...
Oh by the way Viking Press sent a Fedex
for you to
my parents. They brought it with 'em.
ELAINE
Yeah that's just some stuff about the
company.
GEORGE
Hum..( to Elaine) Hey! did you talk
to Paula?
ELAINE
Yeah.
GEORGE
So what did she say?
ELAINE
She...likes you..
GEORGE
She said she liked me. No kiddin' she
said that?
ELAINE
Ya!
GEORGE
Those were her exact words, I like George.
ELAINE
Yep!
GEORGE
Ha Haaaaaaa... Jerry how do you like
that.You see I get myself in a dizzy,
I'm all worked up and for what?
ELAINE
For nothing..
GEORGE
ha Ha..
ELAINE
In fact she said that looks aren't even
that important to her...
GEORGE
You see.....WHAT!!
ELAINE
Ah Oh!!
GEORGE
She said looks aren't important to her?
ELAINE
Well..hum...let me rephrase that, She
said....
GEORGE
She thinks I'm ugly. I knew it.
Jerry; You see the thing of it is, there's a lot of ugly people
out there walking around, but they don't know they're
ugly, because nobody actually tells them.
GEORGE
.....So what's your point?
JERRY
I dunno...
ELAINE
Okay.. The point , George, is she likes
you.
GEORGE
Oh!, so what. I'd rather she hate me
and thought I was good looking....At
least I can get somebody else.
(scratching his chest) What is this? Why am I itching?
JERRY
That'd be the fleas.
At the Plaza Hotel
JERRY
Hey!!!
MORTY
Hey! I do you like this? Huh, huh!
HELEN
Oh! my god, Morty lets go, this is too
nice.
MORTY
Hey! This is the kind of room Sinatra
stays in. Hey! look , Macadamian nuts.
HELEN
Macadamian nuts?
MORTY
Hey! You know what these cost, they're
like 80 cents a nut.
Helen; Jerry, are you sure this all right?
JERRY
Yeah! it's all taken care of.
MORTY
( from the other room) Hey!!! They got
a phone in the john here.
Outside Elaine's building
ELAINE
Judy .
JUDY
Hey!!!!.
ELAINE
Hi, Thank you so much for recommending
me to Viking Press .
JUDY
It is my pleasure , just make sure you
give that manuscript a good read.
ELAINE
Manuscript?
JUDY
Yeah. I'm sure they Fedexed you a manuscript.
They want to see that you can read
an unpublished work and give insightful criticism.
ELAINE
Oooh!!
JUDY
Read it twice if you have to. This is
a big step in your career.
ELAINE
Yeah! hmmm..I gotta go..
JUDY
Hey! What about lunch?
ELAINE
(she leaves hurriedly) I gotta gooo...
Catches up with Jerry on the street.
ELAINE
Thank god I found you..
JERRY
Oh! Hey!
ELAINE
You still got that Fedex?
JERRY
Yeah! I got it . It's in the apartment,
but we can't go in there it's being
fumigated.
ELAINE
No I'll take my chances. Come on...(
Grabs him by the coat and head back
to his place)
Jerry's place . There is a sign on the door that says "Fumigation
Do not enter"
JERRY
You see?
ELAINE
Jerry , I need that Fedex right now..
JERRY
I told you to take it.
ELAINE
Well, I didn't know that it was a manuscript
that I had to read...
JERRY
Well, You can't go in there it's like
a gas chamber in there.
Kramer comes out of the apartment.
KRAMER
I left a Macanaw peach in your refrigerator.
JERRY
Kramer, they're fumigating. There's
toxic gas in there.
KRAMER
Toxic gas!!!
JERRY
Aw! You'll be fine, you were in there
for what , a couple of minutes.
KRAMER
An hour and a half!!! I was reading
a manuscript, I just couldn't put it
down.
ELAINE
My manuscript?
JERRY
How do you feel?
KRAMER
Now that you mention it , a little woozy.
ELAINE
Kramer You got go back in there grab
my manuscript.
KRAMER
I'm not going back in there!!
ELAINE
all right then, where is it??
KRAMER
I left it on the coffee table or somethin'
JERRY
Well wh..wh.what are you doing?
ELAINE
I'm going in .
JERRY
Didn't you see the sign on the door?
KRAMER
Well I thought it was so your parents
wouldn't walk in while you're with a
girl.
Elaine breathes heavily does the sign of the cross and enters.
She goes to the coffee
table then looks underneath the couch and finishes by his desk
then the dinner table.
She runs out of air so she has to rush out.
ELAINE
( Heavy Panting) It's not on any table,
Kramer. Where is it?
KRAMER
Well I don't know . I was in the bathroom
, the kitchen...
ELAINE
Okay... bathroom....kitchen.
JERRY
Can you get me a soda?
Elaine goes back in
KRAMER
Jerry, I had some milk, I made a sandwich.
I got to get out of the building.
Elaine searches the kitchen , then the couch cushions and gives
up.
ELAINE
(again pants) I couldn't find it anywhere.
How did you get fleas anyway?
JERRY
I don't know. Who could've been in my
apartment.
ELAINE
I 've looked everywhere , even under
the couch but all I could find were
the stupid Chunky wrappers.
I couldn't....
JERRY
Wait a minute . Did you say chunky wrappers?
ELAINE
Yeah!
JERRY
Let me see those. ( smells them) Oh!
I know the chunky that left these Chunkies......NEWMAN!!!
I've got him.
Newman's door . Jerry knocks
JERRY
Newman . Open the door, Newman, I know
you're in there.
NEWMAN
Hello jerry. What a pleasant surprise.
JERRY
There's nothing pleasant about it, so
lets just cut the crap.. You gave me
fleas. I know it and you know it..
NEWMAN
Fleas? Bwa ha ha ha ha .That's preposterous.
How can I , give you fleas. Now if you
don't mind...
JERRY
Oh! but I do. There's probably fleas
crawling all over your little snack
bar. ( as he says this Newman
is wildly scratching behind his back. he suddenly stops when
Jerry turns around)
NEWMAN
So , you have fleas. Maybe you keep
your house in a state of disrepair.
Maybe you live in
squaller.(?)
JERRY
You know Newman , the thing about fleas
is that they irritate the skin and they
start to...itch.
Oh! maybe you can hold out five seconds or ten, maybe fifteen
or twenty but after a while, no matter
how much will power a person may have. It won't matter, because
they're crawling , crawling on your skin.
Up your legs , up your spine , up your back.....
NEWMAN
(Cannot take this torture anymore) Baaaaaaaaarrhhhhhhhhhhh....I'm
ripped with fleas ( scratches
furiously)
Plaza Hotel, Morty is getting a massage.
MORTY
Oh! Oh! That feels good. Hey! This guy
charges a hundred bucks an hour but
I'm telling ya
he's worth every penny OOOOHH!
HELEN
I'm next.
MORTY
Hey! Leo, get this, four movies at once;
Pay Per View.
LEO
I love these nuts.
NANA
This Champagne's gone flat. ( throws
her glass over her shoulder)
HELEN
Nana!!!
NANA
He Ha Ha Ha...Let the chambermaid clean
it up
On the street in front of a flower shop
GEORGE
Hello..
PAULA
What's the matter?...
GEORGE
Well I spoke to Elaine...
PAULA
Hey! Look , no shave.
GEORGE
No...Why should that make any difference
to you?
PAULA
It doesn't..
GEORGE
Of course not. You don't care what I
look like.
PAULA
That's right I don't.
GEORGE
I suppose I could just pull this out
( his tucked shirt)and walk around like
this and you wouldn't care?
PAULA
Not a wit.
GEORGE
Hu humm? i suppose we could go to Lincoln
Center and I'd be wearing sneakers and
jeans and that
would be fine too.
PAULA
You can wear sweatpants.
GEORGE
I could..
PAULA
(seductively) You could drape yourself
in velvet, for all I care.
GEORGE
Velvet...
Monks
ELAINE
Did you read the whole thing?
KRAMER
Oh! yeah.
ELAINE
Huh . So What's it about?
KRAMER
Well it's a story about love, deception,
greed, lust and...unbridled enthusiasm.
ELAINE
unbridled enthusiasm...?
KRAMER
Well , that's what led to Billy Mumphrey's
downfall.
ELAINE
Oh! boy.
KRAMER
You see Elaine, Billy was a simple country
boy. You might say a cockeyed optimist,
who got himself mixed up in the high stakes game of world diplomacy
and international intrigue.
ELAINE
Oh! my God.
KRAMER
ah! Here we go.
ELAINE
(to the waitress) can I have a scotch
on the rocks.
KRAMER
May I..( pointing her food)
ELAINE
(feeling sick) Yeah! go ahead.
KRAMER
what is this?
ELAINE
What? What are you doin'? ( Kramer salting
her food)
KRAMER
I can't taste this.
ELAINE
What are you talking about?
KRAMER
This food ,it has no taste......nothin'
I'm gettin' nothin'...( realizes) It
must be the toxic gas
from the fumigation......( he leaves paranoid and confused)
At Shelley's
JERRY
Hey, thanks a lot for lettin' me stay
here.
SHELLEY
Well, I don't keep pecans in the house
so I didn't think it'd be a problem.
JERRY
( embarrassed laugh) ...Oh! Damn..
SHELLEY
What's the matter?
JERRY
I forgot my toothbrush.
SHELLEY
Oh! no problem.....You can use mine.
JERRY
Yours?....You know what I'll think I'll
brush later.
SHELLEY
Brush now.
JERRY
(long pause).......Sure. ( humms a song
then stares at the toothbrush)
Kramer and Newman who is coming out of the market eating a peach.
KRAMER
Newman ,Let me have a bite of your Macanaw..
NEWMAN
What for, you got your own.
KRAMER
Come on ,c'mon i need to taste it. (
takes his peach).....Nothin' , Can't
even taste a Macanaw.
NEWMAN
( resumes eating) Well that's a shame.
KRAMER
Waited all year and I can't even taste
it..
NEWMAN
You can't taste 'em . Why waste 'em
. Why not give them all to me.
At Viking Press.
ELAINE
It's a story about love , deception
,greed , lust and.... unbridled enthusiasm
.
MANDEL
Unbridled enthusiasm.
ELAINE
Yeah!..tha..that's right. that That's
what led to...(throath clearing) Billy
Mumphrey's downfall.
MANDEL
hmmm...interesting take. So you believe,
has he not been so enthusiastic he could
have adverted
disaster.
ELAINE
Yes...Ye..Yes..That's right...You see
,Billy Mumphrey was a simple country
boy. Some might say a
cockeyed optimist, who got caught up in the dirty game of world
diplomacy and International intrigue.
MANDEL
So.. It was more a question of attitude
than politics..
ELAINE
Yes, yes Mr. Mandel.
Plaza Hotel
MORTY
Hey! Under Siege is on again. Whose
up for it?
LEO
No more nuts. Awrghh.....
Monks. George walks in wearing velvet.
JERRY
Oh! my god. What the hell is this? .....
Don't tell me.......Velvet!!!
GEORGE
It's the real deal.
JERRY
She's seen you in this thing.
GEORGE
That's right...We just had sex......You
know Jerry I've been searching for someone
a long time.
Well the search is over.
JERRY
And now the search for the right psychiatrist
begins.
GEORGE
He he...So huh! What's with the suitcase.
JERRY
Ahh! She threw me out.
GEORGE
Why?
JERRY
I wouldn't use her toothbrush.
GEORGE
So where are you staying?
JERRY
Well I guess I'm stuck with the Velvet
Fog.
At Viking again.
MANDEL
Three hours of massage time , twelve
in-room movies including several adult
features, five shoe
shines and four hundred dolars worth of snacks. Not to mention
the damage to the room.
ELAINE
Mr Mandel, you don't understand ...my
my friend had fleas. I ran into the
gas , it could have killed
me, and my, my other friend couldn't taste his peaches ,they
only good for two weeks.
MANDEL
I think , you've read, one too many,
Billy Mumphrey stories. Good day Miss
Benes.
ELAINE
Okay...Good day..
Monks again.George comes in eating a Macanaw peach.
PAULA
Hi George.
GEORGE
(mouth full) Hi, this is fantastic (
puts the pit in the a plate)D'you ever
had a Macanaw peach?
PAULA
Oh! yeah I love those.
GEORGE
Too bad , it's all done.
Paula takes the pit and puts it in her mouth. George stares in
disbelief , then disgust.
Kramer is about to lick an envelope he is about to send.
KRAMER
ya....Yes!....Yes! it's back I can taste
again. ( to a passerby) Hey! What's
the date today?
PASSERBY
The fifteenth.
KRAMER
Fifteenth , Yes last day for the Macanaws.
I can still make it. Wait.. Newman...
NEWMAN
Sorry , last one . Would you want to
suck the pit?
KRAMER
( fake laugh ) Look Hubert. It's the
mailman. You remember the mailman don't
you.
(unleashes a dog)
Dog proceeds to chase after Newman
Finally at The Plaza Hotel
ELAINE
(knocks) Hello is anybody here?..
LEO
They said they were sending an Asian
woman.
ELAINE
Oh! my God.
THE END
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