THE ENGLISH PATIENT
Written by
Steve Koren
(Subway Train)
Jerry and Elaine sit side by side on a subway train. They're
both reading
newspapers, when something occurs to Jerry.
JERRY
You know at the movies, they show that
little ad for the concession
stand?
ELAINE
Where the cartoon candy's dancing and
the Milk Dud's playing the
banjo?
JERRY
He's wailing on that banjo.
ELAINE
Yeah.
JERRY
I just don't understand the raisinettes.
ELAINE
The sax player?
JERRY
Yeah.
ELAINE
Yeah.
JERRY
The box of raisinettes runs up to the
concession stand, buys another
box of raisinettes.
ELAINE
So?
JERRY
Box of raisinettes eating another box
of raisinettes? It's perverse.
ELAINE
HE's not gonna eat them. He's buying
'em for his Pepsi girlfriend.
JERRY
Why's he dating a Pepsi? They're not
having children.
ELAINE
He's a musician.
JERRY
Musicians. Get a real job.
They shrug and return to their reading.
(Monk's)
George is sitting at the counter perusing a magazine. The waitress
comes over
to take his order.
WAITRESS
What d'you want?
GEORGE
Ah, I've had everything on the menu.
Uh, surprise me.
The waitress disappears out back. George goes back to reading.
Behind him, a
beautiful woman enters, and approaches him.
DANIELLE
(to George) Neil.
The woman touches George on his shoulder, to get his attention.
DANIELLE
Neil.
George turns to face the woman.
DANIELLE
(apologetic) Oh, I am sorry. (smiling
broadly) I'm supposed to meet
my boyfriend here. He looks just like you.
GEORGE
(bemused) Really?
DANIELLE
(smiling) Yeah.
GEORGE
(pointing to himself) Like me?
DANIELLE
Uh-huh. Sorry.
Danielle walks away with a wave. George sits there, looking stunned.
GEORGE
(confused, to himself) Like me? But
how?
The waitress returns from the back and puts a plate down on the
counter
before George.
WAITRESS
Here's your halibut omelette. Surprised?
GEORGE
Yes, yes, I am.
(Jerry's Apartment)
Jerry has a suitcase on the table, packing for a trip. Kramer
has brought in
a large paper bag, from which he pulls a blue t-shirt.
KRAMER
Look what I got for you, for your Florida
trip. Crazy Shirts was
closing 'em out. I got a dozen for a buck.
Kramer holds the shirt up against Jerry and admires it. On the
front of the
shirt is the legend '#1 DAD'.
KRAMER
Saved a fortune. Look at that. Heyy.
JERRY
(reading, unimpressed) Ohh, 'Number
1 Dad'.
KRAMER
Yeah.
JERRY
(examining the label) Ooh, and it's
in medium. Perfect.
George enters.
KRAMER
Hey.
GEORGE
Hey.
JERRY
Hey.
GEORGE
Hey. You ready?
JERRY
Almost.
KRAMER
Okay, look, uh, when you're in Florida,
can my cigar guy drop off
some Cubans for me at your parents' house?
JERRY
(reluctant) Kramer, I'm helping my parents
move into their new condo.
I'm gonna be busy.
KRAMER
Aw, c'mon man. Help a brother out.
JERRY
(grudging) Alright.
KRAMER
Yeahh. I owe you one.
JERRY
(holding up the '# DAD' shirt) We're
even.
Kramer leaves. George has got himself a bottle of water from
the fridge and
wanders into the living room, talking.
GEORGE
Jerry, figure this out. I'm in the coffee
shop, and this beautiful
girl I could never even talk to, mistakes me for her boyfriend.
JERRY
(continuing to pack) That's a nice four
seconds.
GEORGE
(incredulous) I look just like him.
I. Me. (flings his arms out)
This! This is what her boyfriend looks like. How is that possible?
JERRY
Maybe he has money.
GEORGE
(wondering) Maybe he doesn't. Maybe
he and I are exactly the same,
except for one minor, yet crucial, detail. You never know.
JERRY
(zipping up his bag) Sometimes you do.
GEORGE
Maybe it's some small thing I could
change. Like a moustache. Or
wearing a top hat, or a monocle, or a..or a cane.
JERRY
(picking up his bag and coat) Who's
she dating? Mr Peanut?
Jerry opens the door as George looks at him.
GEORGE
(pointedly) She could do a lot worse
than Mr Peanut, my friend.
George leaves, followed by Jerry.
(Outside Movie Theatre)
Elaine and her latest boyfriend are standing in line.
BLAINE
So, what d'you wanna see?
ELAINE
(indicating a movie poster) What about
Sack Lunch?
BLAINE
(indicating another poster) How about
The English Patient? It's up
for all those Oscars.
Elaine pulls a face, like she's really not interested in seeing
Blaine's
choice.
ELAINE
Oh, c'mon Blaine. I mean, look at the
poster for Sack Lunch.
BLAINE
It's a family in a brown paper bag.
ELAINE
(laughing) Don't you wanna know how
they got in there?
BLAINE
No.
Elaine and Blaine reach the front of the queue, just as the guy
in the ticket
booth puts a sign up on the window saying 'Sack Lunch Sold Out'.
ELAINE
(disappointment) Aww. Sold out.
BLAINE
(to the booth guy) Oh, two for The English
Patient.
Elaine continues to study the Sack Lunch poster, while Blaine
buys tickets.
ELAINE
So d'you think they got shrunk down,
or is it just a giant sack?
(Monk's)
Danielle, the beautiful woman, is paying at the register. George
enters and
sees her.
GEORGE
(smiling) Uh, hi. Uhm, remember me?
I..I'm the guy who looks like
Neil?
DANIELLE
(smiling back) Hi.
GEORGE
Huh-Hi. (looks around a little) Uhm,
is Neil here?
DANIELLE
Oh, no. He got held up at work.
GEORGE
Oh, that's too bad. I kinda wanted to
meet him, seeing as how we look
so similar.
DANIELLE
Well, you know, you don't look that
much like him.
GEORGE
(disappointment) Oh. Course not.
DANIELLE
No, you're a little taller.
George looks ever more bewildered.
DANIELLE
You look like you're in better shape
than Neil. Do you work out?
GEORGE
(smiling) Listen, I..I..I don't mean
to seem forward...
Danielle looks like she thinks George is hitting on her, and
she's not
against the idea.
GEORGE
...but is there any way that I could
possibly have Neil's phone
number?
Now it's Danielle's time to look surprised and bewildered.
(Outside Movie Theatre)
Elaine and Blaine emerge from the exit, having seen The English
Patient.
ELAINE
(very dissatisfied) Why is everyone
talking about "The English
Patient, it's so romantic". (vehement) God, that movie stunk!
BLAINE
I kinda liked it.
ELAINE
(firm) No you didn't.
From the exit emerge several of Elaine's friends, who hurry over
to see her.
They're all holding tissues.
CAROL
Elaine. Elaine, did you just see The
English Patient?
GAIL
(tearful) Didn't you love it?
LISA
How could you not love that movie?
ELAINE
How about, it sucked?
CAROL
That Ralph Fiennes, I would give up
my firstborn for him.
ELAINE
(aside) Huhh, getting the short end
of that stick.
Blaine gives Elaine a strange look.
(Recreation Center, Del Boca Vista)
Jerry and Morty walk into a room which contains some fitness
equipment -
exercise bike, weights, etc.
MORTY
Jerry, this is Del Boca Vista's new
physical fitness room. They got
medicine balls, you can bike ride, anything you want.
JERRY
Stairmaster?
MORTY
What?
JERRY
Nothin'.
MORTY
(opening his tracksuit top) See what
I'm wearing?
Morty has on the '#1 DAD' shirt.
JERRY
Oh, did you get that outta my bag?
MORTY
No, your mother found it. Son, this
is the most wonderful and
thoughtful thing you've ever done for me.
JERRY
You know, I bought you a Cadillac. Twice.
In through the door comes a really old guy. He jogs slowly in,
and begins
doing physical jerks as Morty talks to Jerry.
MORTY
Hoh, here he is. This is the man I wanted
you to see. Izzy
Mandelbaum. He's eighty years old, but strong as an ox. (pointing)
Watch
this.
Izzy picks up a set of weights and lifts them chest high.
MORTY
See that? You couldn't do that.
JERRY
I could, but I choose not to.
Another guy enters behind the Seinfelds. He walks over to an
exercise bike
and climbs aboard.
SID
Hey Morty. (nodding toward Jerry) Who's
this?
MORTY
This is my son Jerry, from New York.
(leaning toward Sid) He thinks he
can lift more than Izzy.
JERRY
(protesting) I..I didn't say that.
SID
(calling over) Hey, Izzy, this kid says
he can lift more than you can.
Izzy looks over. He releases his grip on the weights and they
drop to the
floor with a clunk.
IZZY
Your kid's pretty funny, Morty. Should
be a comedian.
JERRY
(smiles) Actually, I am a comedian.
SID
That's not so funny.
IZZY
(challenging) Think you're better than
me, huh?
MORTY
Izzy used to work out with Charles Atlas
in the fifties.
JERRY
(jocular) Eighteen-fifties?
IZZY
Yeah, that's it. It's go time. (points
to the weights he put down)
Let's see you lift that.
JERRY
(reluctant) Mr Mandelbaum, I...
IZZY
C'mon, c'mon. Pump it!
JERRY
(consenting) Alright.
IZZY
Yeah, wrong attitude. you're not bringing
that trash into my house.
Jerry walks over and picks the weights up easily.
JERRY
There. Alright?
IZZY
Step aside, stringbean.
Jerry puts down the weights, and rolls them out of the way. Izzy
steps in
front of a much, much, more substantial set of weights.
IZZY
I'll show you. We're gonna take it up
a notch.
Izzy bends and takes hold of the bar. The second he puts any
effort into the
lift, there is a loud crunching noise and a pained look of horror
comes to
his face.
IZZY
(agonised) Ah! My back. Ugh.
Izzy keeps hold of the bar as he slowly keels over forwards.
The circular
weights roll in front of him and Izzy gently falls forward until
he's face
down on the floor.
IZZY
(drawn out) Aaaahh.
Jerry, Morty and Sid, look on, concerned.
SID
Somebody, call an ambulance.
MORTY
(unpanicked) There's already an ambulance
here for Mrs Glickman.
There's room for one more.
(Outside Movie Theatre)
Elaine is at the same movie theatre as before,but alone this
time. She's
buying her ticket from the booth.
ELAINE
(handing over her money) Okay, one for
Sack Lunch. (taking the
ticket) It's good, right? (smiling) Yeah, good.
Elaine turns to enter the theatre, and meets Gail, Carol and
Lisa coming out.
ELAINE
(surprise) Hey, what're you guys doing
here?
LISA
We just saw The English Patient again.
GAIL
It's even better the second time.
ELAINE
They make it longer?
Out of the theatre comes Blaine, carrying an umbrella.
BLAINE
(to the girls) Got my umbrella.
ELAINE
(shocked) Blaine!?
BLAINE
Elaine.
ELAINE
I thought you were busy tonight.
BLAINE
(cold) Well, to tell you the truth Elaine.
I don't know if I can be
with someone who doesn't like The English Patient.
ELAINE
It's just a stupid movie.
BLAINE
(to Carol) That's what I'm talking about.
CAROL
(taking Blaine's arm) Come on, Blaine.
Let's go.
BLAINE
(bitter) Enjoy Sack Lunch!
Blaine walks away with the girls.
ELAINE
(fierce) I will!
(Seinfeld Residence, Del Boca Vista)
Helen is talking to Jerry, with Morty on the couch. Helen and
Morty are in
their nightclothes. Morty has on the '#1 DAD' shirt.
HELEN
(accusing) How could you do that to
Mr Mandelbaum? You should be
ashamed of yourself.
JERRY
(defensive) He egged me on.
HELEN
You should be more mature.
JERRY
He's eighty!
MORTY
(standing) Okay. Tomorrow, Jerry and
I will visit Izzy and apologise.
Now, goodnight.
Morty begins to head to the bedroom.
HELEN
(walking after Morty) You're not sleeping
in that shirt. It's too
tight.
MORTY
This shirt will never leave my body.
Helen follows Morty down the short hallway.
HELEN
(to Jerry) Goodnight.
JERRY
(smiling) Alright. Seven-thirty, got
the place to myself.
There is a knock at the door. Jerry answers it. Outside are three
Hispanic-looking guys.
GUILLERMO
Jerry Seinfeld please.
JERRY
Ah, you must be Kramer's guys. (indicating)
Come on in. You got the
cigars?
The guys enter.
GUILLERMO
What cigars?
JERRY
Kramer said I was supposed to bring
him back some Cubans.
GUILLERMO
(indicating the threesome) We are the
Cubans.
Jerry stares, stunned.
(Jerry's Apartment/Del Boca Vista)
Kramer stands, shirtless, in Jerry's kitchen. There's a pot on
the stove, and
Kramer's chopping vegetables on a board. The phone rings and
Kramer answers.
KRAMER
Yeah, hello, Jerry's place.
In the Seinfelds' condo, the three guys are asleep on the fold-out
couch and
a chair, while an upset Jerry rants into the phone.
JERRY
(animated) They're real Cubans?! They're
human beings, from Cuba?!
KRAMER
I said Cubans. What'd you think I meant?
JERRY
Cigars!
KRAMER
Jerry, Cuban cigars are illegal in this
country. That's why I got
these guys.
JERRY
(incredulous) You're making your own
cigars now?
KRAMER
Yeah, yeah. I got investors all lined
up.
Behind Jerry, Morty wanders over to the kitchen counter.
JERRY
(to Kramer) Hold on a second. (to Morty)
Hiya dad.
Morty sorts through some pill bottles, before picking one out.
MORTY
(without looking up) Who are they?
JERRY
They're Cuban cigar rollers.
MORTY
(walking back out of the room) Don't
tell your mother.
Something catches Jerry's ear on the phone.
JERRY
What is that bubbling sound? Are you
making your tomato sauce?
KRAMER
Hot and spicy.
JERRY
(accusing) You're not wearing a shirt,
are you?
KRAMER
Yes I am.
JERRY
What colour is it?
Kramer looks down at his bare torso, and can't think.
KRAMER
Damn!
Kramer hangs up the phone.
(New York Hallway)
George and Danielle walk up to her door in her building. George
has a napkin
in his hand on which is some scribbled numbers. Danielle is looking
at
George, very much as if she's interested.
GEORGE
You know, you could've just given me
Neil's number. You..you didn't
have to take me out to dinner.
DANIELLE
I wanted to give it to you in person.
George shrugs his understanding.
DANIELLE
(flirtatious) You know, I don't have
to be up in the morning, and I
know a great breakfast place, right around the corner.
Danielle gives George a big smile. George smiles, but thoughtfully.
GEORGE
Does Neil like to eat a big breakfast?
DANIELLE
(inviting) Why don't you come in? We'll
take about it.
GEORGE
(looking at his watch) I really should
get going. Y'know, I..I wanna
be home in case Neil calls.
DANIELLE
Well, goodnight.
Danielle leans toward George, for a kiss. But George walks away
completely
oblivious to Danielle.
GEORGE
(hurried) I'll see you.
Danielle looks down the hall after George, looking perplexed.
(Monk's)
An unhappy Elaine sits at the counter as the waitress pours her
coffee.
WAITRESS
Rough night?
ELAINE
Ugh. You wouldn't believe it. My boyfriend
dumped me. My friends, who
I don't even like, they won't talk to me. (face-pulling) All
because I don't
like that stupid English Patient movie.
WAITRESS
Really? I thought it was pretty good.
ELAINE
Oh, come on. Good? What was good about
it? (scoffs) Those sex scenes!
I mean, please! Gimme something I can use!
WAITRESS
(sour) Well, I liked it.
The waitress takes the coffee pot and walks away into the back.
ELAINE
(calling after) Hey. You forgot about
my piece of pie. Hello?
(irritated) You know, sex in a tub. That doesn't work!
(Mandelbaum Residence, Del Boca Vista)
Jerry and Morty stroll into the bedroom of the hugely impressive
Mandelbaum
condo. Morty is still wearing the '#1 DAD' shirt under his tracksuit.
Izzy is
asleep in the bed.
JERRY
This is quite a condo.
MORTY
The Mandelbaums own the Magic Pan restaurants.
JERRY
The crepe place?
MORTY
Yeah. This is all big crepe money.
JERRY
(doubtful) There's crepe money?
Izzy wakes up and sees the Seinfelds at the foot of his bed.
IZZY
What are you doing here?
JERRY
(apologetic) Aw, Mr Mandelbaum, I just
wanted to come by and tell you
how sorry I was that you hurt yourself.
Izzy stares at Morty as Jerry speaks.
IZZY
What the hell is that?
JERRY
What?
IZZY
That shirt. You think that you are the
number one dad?
MORTY
This was a gift from my son.
Morty displays the shirt proudly. Jerry smiles.
IZZY
Oh, I see how it works now. (indicates
Jerry) He knocks me outta
commission, so (indicates Morty) you can strut around in your
fancy number
one shirt. (moves the bedcovers) Well, I'll show you who's number
one.
Izzy starts to move to get out of bed.
JERRY
Mr Mandelbaum, please.
IZZY
It's go time.
Izzy stands up and there is a familiar crunching noise. Izzy
freezes in his
stance, arms raised.
IZZY
(pained) Ahh. My back. I can't move.
Jerry and Morty look on with horrified concern.
MORTY
Call an ambulance.
JERRY
I think I saw one a coupla doors down.
Jerry darts out of the door, followed moments later by Morty.
(Jerry's Apartment/Del Boca Vista)
Jerry has just returned from Florida, and is putting away his
bag. A worried
George sits at the table.
JERRY
(disbelief) So she wanted you to come
up, but you left because you
thought some guy might be calling you?!
Jerry puts his bag in the bedroom and returns as George paces
the floor.
GEORGE
(animated) Some guy. Some guy? Neil!
I have got to find out how he
could get a girl like Danielle.
JERRY
(pointing out the obvious) George, you've
got Danielle. Forget about
Neil. You've out-Neiled him.
GEORGE
(surprised) So, I'm Neil? How did I
do that?
JERRY
I don't know, but you better keep it
up.
GEORGE
I'm gonna go meet Danielle. (grabs his
coat) There's a new Neil in
town! (triumphant laughter) Hahaha!
George exits, cheerfully. The phone rings as the door closes.
JERRY
(to himself) I try to take a vacation,
I come back, the whole
operation's a shambles. (answers phone) Hello.
In Florida, Helen and Morty each have a handset. Morty is still
wearing the
'#1 DAD' shirt.
MORTY
Hey Jerry. Number One here. Did you
go see Izzy at the back
specialist?
JERRY
I will, I just walked in the door.
HELEN
You have to go see him.
JERRY
Ma.
MORTY
Helen, will you stop bothering him.
HELEN
Jerry, that shirt is gone right to his
head.
MORTY
Number One, signing off.
The Seinfelds hang up. Jerry's door opens and Kramer bursts in,
agitated.
KRAMER
Jerry, I just picked up the Cubans at
the bus station. (shrill)
What's going on!?
JERRY
What?
KRAMER
(animated) They're not real Cubans.
They're Dominicans.
JERRY
So?
KRAMER
So, Jerry, if my investors don't get
Cubans, the whole deal's off.
JERRY
What's the difference?
KRAMER
Jerry, once you've had real Cubans,
there's just nothing else like
it.
JERRY
(confused) We're talking about people,
right?
KRAMER
Yes, yes. The quality, the texture,
the intoxicating aroma. These
guys don't have it.
JERRY
I thought they smelled pretty nice.
KRAMER
Jerry, your palate's unrefined.
JERRY
Is not.
KRAMER
Is too.
JERRY
Is not.
KRAMER
Is too.
JERRY
I'm not having this conversation.
KRAMER
Are too.
JERRY
Am not.
KRAMER
Are too.
JERRY
Am not.
KRAMER
Are too.
(J Peterman's Office)
Peterman lounges behind his desk, as Elaine and another employee
pick up
notes, photographs, etc.
PETERMAN
Another productive meeting. By the way,
I saw that English Patient
film last night. It was extraordinary.
DUGAN
(enthusiastic) Oh yes. It was so romantic.
It ravished me.
Dugan walks away.
PETERMAN
Elaine, what'd you think?
ELAINE
(hesitant) Well, uh, act..actually,
I haven't seen it. So, I couldn't
tell you whether I liked it, or whether it really sucked.
PETERMAN
(aghast) You haven't seen it?
ELAINE
(shakes head) No.
PETERMAN
That's it! Drop everything. We're going
right now.
Peterman stuffs some paperwork into a desk drawer.
(The New York Hospital)
Izzy is in a hospital bed, as Jerry stands beside it.
JERRY
Again, Mr Mandelbaum, this back specialist
is supposed to be the best.
So if there's anything else I can do, please don't hesitate to,
uh, try and
find my number.
Jerry turns to walk out.
IZZY
Uh, oh, wait.
Izzy rummages on his bedside table and picks up a t-shirt. He
holds it up to
his chest so Jerry can read what's written on it. 'World's Greatest
DAD!'
IZZY
How 'bout that, huh? The World's Greatest
Dad. My son made it for me.
JERRY
(humouring him) That's very nice.
IZZY
The best in the world. (pointing to
himself) Which means I'm better
than just number one.
JERRY
Well, I don't know how official any
of these rankings really are.
Behind Jerry, an elderly bald guy leans round the doorframe and
raps on the
door, attracting Izzy's attention.
IZZY
Hi, son.
IZZY JR.
Hi daddy.
JERRY
(surprise) This is your son?
IZZY
I got married in high school.
IZZY JR.
(to Jerry) Hey, who are you?
IZZY
This is Seinfeld's kid.
IZZY JR.
Oh, you think you're tough, picking
on an old man? (squaring up to
Jerry) Maybe you'd like to try taking on somebody your own age.
JERRY
(jocular) You got any kids?
IZZY JR.
Oh, you think you're better than me?
(challenging) Go ahead, pick
out anything in the room here. I'll lift it up over my head.
JERRY
(trying to defuse the situation) Look,
no-one is lifting anything.
IZZY
(pointing) The television.
JERRY
(under his breath) Oh no.
Izzy Jr walks over to the TV, which sits on top of a cabinet.
IZZY JR.
This one's for you, Pop. It's go time.
Izzy Jr takes a grip on the TV, but there's another crunching
sound as he
tries to lift, and an agonised expression comes to his face.
Jerry cringes in
the background.
IZZY JR.
(pained) Ohh! My back!
IZZY
(urgent) Call an ambulance.
JERRY
(laconic) We're already in a hospital.
(Earl Haffler's Office)
A suit-wearing Kramer is in the office of Earl Haffler - cigar-smoking,
stetson-wearing, Texan businessman.
HAFFLER
Awright, partner. Let's get down to
business.
KRAMER
(nervous) Okay, well, uh, I'll uh, I'll
get the Cubans.
Kramer walks over to the door trying to smile confidently.
KRAMER
They're right out here.
Kramer calls a few words of nonsense Spanish out of the door,
and the three
guys stroll in. They are dressed in Castro-style green fatigues
and caps.
KRAMER
Hey, here they are. The Cubans. Real
Cubans.
Earl Haffler regards the three for a second or two.
HAFFLER
You wouldn't be trying to sell old Earl
Haffler Dominicans in a
Cuban wrapper now, would you?
KRAMER
(fidgety) Oh, now, come on. Look at
these boys. If they were any more
Cuban, Castro would've smoked them himself. Huh.
HAFFLER
(confusion) We're talking about people,
right?
KRAMER
(puzzled) I think so.
HAFFLER
I thought he quit smoking cigars.
KRAMER
Well, yeah, yeah. But they also rolled
for his brother... (thinks for
a second) ...Dennis.
HAFFLER
(dubious) Dennis Castro?
KRAMER
Uh, Dwayne.
HAFFLER
Get the hell outta my office.
KRAMER
(shrill) What!?
(Monk's)
Danielle and George walk over to, and sit in, a booth.
DANIELLE
You know, Neil called me today.
GEORGE
(interested) Really?
DANIELLE
Yeah. He's pretty upset that I broke
up with him to go out with
you.
GEORGE
(smug) Ah, I guess I showed Neil who's
Neil.
DANIELLE
He wants to get together tomorrow night
and have coffee.
GEORGE
(little worried) Coffee? (thinks) I
can beat that. Move in with me.
DANIELLE
(surprised) What?
GEORGE
(smiles) Beats the hell out of coffee.
Danielle smiles at George, still a touch confused.
(Movie Theatre)
Peterman and Elaine sit in the auditorium. The English Patient
is playing and
many of the crowd are tearfully dabbing their eyes. Peterman
is particularly
emotional. Elaine looks completely bored, and is tossing pieces
of popcorn up
in the air to try and catch them in her mouth.
PETERMAN
(emotional) And I thought I knew what
love was.
One of Elaine's bits of popcorn misses her mouth and falls behind
her seat.
Elaine twists round and reaches over to retrieve it, before slumping
in her
seat wearily.
ELAINE
(indifferent) Yuh.
(Monk's)
Jerry and George sit in a booth. George looks ragged and is swigging
from a
bottle of some anti-acid medication.
JERRY
(incredulous) You asked her to move
in with you?
GEORGE
I gotta stay one step ahead of Neil.
JERRY
(musing) What if it's Neil Armstrong?
George thinks for a moment, his eyes twitching.
GEORGE
(animated) Then I'm going to Mars!
JERRY
What if it's Neil Diamond?
GEORGE
(tormented) Aw, shut up Jerry! Just
shut up!
JERRY
Alright, I gotta go back to the hospital.
GEORGE
What, to see the old guy?
JERRY
No, I got into a thing with the son,
and now he's laid up too.
GEORGE
How old's the son?
JERRY
I think he's the same age as the father.
GEORGE
What is with this family?
JERRY
I dunno. It's like, if one of 'em dies,
the other one wants to bench
press the casket.
Kramer sidles into the coffee shop. He peers past the register,
to where the
three guys are sitting in the far corner, talking together. Then
he moves
over to join Jerry and George.
KRAMER
(quietly) Hey, Jerry.
Kramer indicates the three guys with his thumb.
KRAMER
(noise - like shivery) Datiditadit.
JERRY
You're cold?
KRAMER
No. (indicates with his head) (noise
again) Ditadidatidat.
JERRY
Something wrong with your chest?
KRAMER
(indicating with his thumb) Dijadidatjd.
There.
JERRY
(leaning round Kramer) Where?
KRAMER
(urgent) No, no. Don't look. Don't look.
Jerry and George look as if they're infected by Kramer's nervousness,
as they
try and look surreptitiously at the Dominicans.
KRAMER
Over there. The Dominicans.
JERRY
Aren't they supposed to be rolling cigars?
KRAMER
Well, it didn't quite work out, and
now I've got nothing for them to
do.
GEORGE
So?
KRAMER
So, I taught 'em all about Cuba, and
they really took to it. You
know, Marxism, the Worker's Revolution, the clothing.
In the corner, one of the Dominicans thumps the table, as if
to underscore a
point in his argument.
JERRY
Boy, they seem pretty angry about something.
KRAMER
(nervous) Yeah. I'm a little worried.
When there's no work, and the
people get restless, who do you think they come after? (pointing
to himself,
shrill) El Presidente!
Again, one of the Dominicans thumps the table. Kramer jumps at
the sound.
(The New York Hospital)
Izzy and Izzy Jr are laid up in beds placed side-by-side.
JERRY
I swear to you, I didn't know they TV
was bolted to the table.
IZZY JR.
I bet you pulled that trick on my daddy,
in Florida.
JERRY
He couldn't handle the weight.
IZZY
(hostile) Oh, so now you think you're
better than me?
IZZY JR.
(indicating Izzy) You think you're better
than him?!
JERRY
(placatory) Look, let me just state
for the record, I think you're
both better than me.
IZZY
Okay.
An even more elderly guy than Izzy enters the room behind Jerry.
He spreads
his arms in greeting to the Mandelbaums.
IZZY SR.
My boys.
IZZY
My dad.
IZZY JR.
My grandpa.
JERRY
(incredulous) Oh, come on!
IZZY SR.
(indicating Izzy Jr) What happened to
him?
JERRY
He was trying to lift the TV.
IZZY SR.
(pointing) That TV?
Izzy Sr. strides purposefully toward the TV.
JERRY
(consternation) Oh no. (to the bedridden
two) It's go time.
Off-screen there is a familiar crunching sound
IZZY IZZY SR..
(pained) Oohh!
(The New York Hospital)
All three of the Mandelbaums are in a row of beds in the same
room.
IZZY SR.
Why didn't anybody tell me? It was bolted
down!
IZZY
I still thought you could do it.
IZZY JR.
Me too.
Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum...
JERRY
Fellas, fellas, look, I gotta go.
IZZY
Oh yeah, that's right. Go. Put us all
in the hospital. And you've
ruined our business with all your macho head games.
JERRY
(defensive) I didn't ruin your business.
IZZY
Yes, you did. There's nobody there now
at the Magic Pan to roll the
crepes. We gotta close it up.
JERRY
(uncertain) Don't you hire people to
do that?
IZZY
Each crepe has to be hand-rolled by
a Mandelbaum. That's what puts the
magic in Magic Pan!
JERRY
(thinking) So, you just need some guys
that could roll 'em?
IZZY
Yeah.
JERRY
(having an idea) I think I can help
you out. I'll see you later.
Jerry turns and starts to leave, but is called back.
IZZY SR.
(calls) Hey, I can't see the TV.
Jerry walks to the TV and picks it,and the attached cabinet up.
HE carries it
across the room to the foot of Izzy Sr.'s bed,where he places
it.
JERRY
Here.
Jerry walks out of the room followed by the angry cries of Izzy.
IZZY
You think you're better than us,don't
you?! Huh!?
(Movie Theatre)
Peterman and Elaine are still in front of The English Patient.
Peterman
stares, enraptured, at the screen. Elaine is totally frantic
with boredom.
PETERMAN
Elaine, I hope you're watching the clothes,
because I can't take my
eyes off the passion.
ELAINE
(quiet vehemence) Oh. No. I can't do
this any more. I can't. It's too
long. (to the screen) Quit telling your stupid story, about the
stupid
desert, and just die already! (louder) Die!!
The other movie patrons turn and shush Elaine, who sits back
in her seat.
PETERMAN
(surprised) Elaine. You don't like the
movie?
ELAINE
(shouts) I hate it!!
CROWD
Shh!
ELAINE
(shouts) Oh, go to hell!!
PETERMAN
(quietly) Well, why didn't you say so
in the first place? You're
fired.
ELAINE
(grabbing her bag and coat) Great. I'll
wait for you outside.
Elaine hurriedly gets out of her seat and leaves.
(Magic Pan Restaurant)
Jerry and Elaine sit in a booth, talking over coffee.
JERRY
He was gonna fire you?
ELAINE
The only way I could talk him out of
it was that I agreed to go and
visit the Tunisian desert.
JERRY
Tunisia?
ELAINE
That's where they filmed the movie.
It's supposed to inspire me.
JERRY
Well, that doesn't sound so bad.
ELAINE
I have to live in a cave.
JERRY
(sardonic) Oh. (smiles)
Kramer comes over to the booth.
KRAMER
These Dominicans really know their way
round a crepe. Look at that.
It's like they're rolling a double corona.
The three Dominican guys are making crepes, and then rolling
them around
fillings.
KRAMER
(to one of the guys) Just a cigar made
outta bisquik, huh, Guillermo?
The Dominican smiles back.
Over in another part of the restaurant, Danielle sits in a booth
with Neil.
Neil is clearly bald, but has his back to the camera.
DANIELLE
I'm very happy with George. I'm sorry
Neil, it's over.
Neil's head drops at this news.
DANIELLE
Come on, let's just eat our crepes.
The Dominicans are handing out plates of rolled crepes to various
tables.
At one table a customer prods a rolled crepe with his fork and
a jet of
scalding hot filling squirts out into his face.
CUSTOMER
(pained scream) Aaghh!! My face!
At another table, another customer digs his fork in, and is rewarded
with a
faceful of blistering filling.
Neil sticks his fork into his crepe and recoils as hot liquid
jets into his
face.
DANIELLE
(concerned cry) Neil!
The restaurant is in chaos as yells of pain come from all sides.
Elaine,
Jerry and Kramer look round at the commotion.
JERRY
Why are the crepes spraying?
KRAMER
(looks over at the three guys) The Dominicans
are rolling them too
tight. (regretful) Uhm, well, that's why you gotta get real Cubans.
Another scream rents the air.
(Metropolitan Hospital Center)
In a hospital room, Neil lies in a bed, his face obscured with
bandages and
an IV line connected to him. Danielle is there fussing with the
remains of a
hospital meal on a tray. George enters.
GEORGE
Danielle. Where's Neil? (indicating
the bed) Is this him?
DANIELLE
Yeah, that blueberry crepe burned him
pretty badly.
George picks up a walking stick which was propped against the
bed.
GEORGE
(to Danielle) Whose cane is this?
DANIELLE
It's Neil's.
Danielle walks away with a water jug from Neil's table. She goes
to a sink in
the corner as George speaks.
GEORGE
(to himself) A cane. I knew it. (to
Neil) So, we meet at last. I
admire your skills, Mr Peanut.
Danielle brings back the jug.
GEORGE
Well, Danielle, (digs in his pocket)
we should get going. I got a key
made for you.
George flourishes a doorkey before Danielle.
DANIELLE
George, I can't move in with you.
GEORGE
(shocked) What?
DANIELLE
I'm sorry, but I'm taking Neil to a
clinic in England.
GEORGE
(animated) N..no, no. You can't leave
me. (frantic) Marry me! I'll
burn myself. I'll burn my parents!
DANIELLE
Sorry George.
Danielle takes the jug and leaves the room. Dejectedly, George
wanders toward
the door. As he moves, Neil whispers to him.
NEIL
(beckoning) George.
George leans over to Neil, so he can hear him speak.
NEIL
(quiet triumph) I win.
George purses his lips and nods ruefully. He stands up and leaves,
closing
the door behind him. There is a brief pause, then the door opens
a few inches
and George's hand reaches back inside the room, takes hold of
the IV line and
tugs it sharply, breaking it free of the IV bag,and drops it.
Then the hand
is withdrawn and the door closes again.
(Plane)
Elaine sits in an aisle seat in a 747, reading a Let's Go Tunisia
book. She
listens as a voice comes over the tannoy.
TAN
Ladies and gentlemen. In just one moment,
we'll be showing our feature
presentation...
ELAINE
(dread) No, no, no, no, no.
TAN
...the comedy hit, Sack Lunch, starring
Dabney Coleman.
ELAINE
(cheering up) Ah, right! Aw, this is
shaping up.
Smiling, Elaine puts down her book to watch the movie. Someone
from a seat
beside her wants to get out.
GUY
Excuse me, please.
ELAINE
Oh, sure.
The guy pushes past her. He's holding a rolled-up magazine closely
to his
body, as if concealing something and, strangely, is wearing a
'#1 DAD'
t-shirt. There's a little awkwardness as he squeezes by.
ELAINE
(uncomfortable) Ooh.
The guy walks down the aisle and turns to face the passengers.
Two other guys
in '#1 DAD' t-shirts flank him. They are the three Dominican
guys.
GUILLERMO
Ladies and gentlemen. Because we have
been exploited by your Magic
Pan crepe restaurants...
From inside his magazine, Guillermo produces a revolver. The
other two guys
also pull out guns, which they point upwards and cock, loudly.
GUILLERMO
...we are hijacking this plane to Cuba!
There is consternation among the passengers, shocked looks, gasps,
etc.
GUILLERMO
Everyone stay in your seats. And shut
that movie off!
ELAINE
(annoyed) Aww, nuts!
THE END
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