THE EX-GIRLFRIEND
Written by
Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld
(Nightclub)
JERRY
I'm always in traffic with the lane
expert. You know this type of person?
Constantly reevaluating their lane choice..
Never quite sure, "Is this the best
lane for
me? For my life?" They're always a little bit ahead of you, "Can
I get in over there? Could I get in over here? Could I get in
there?" "Yeah, come on over here, pal.
We're zoomin' over here. This is the secret lane, nobody knows
about it.." The ultimate, I think the ultimate psychological
test of traffic is the total dead stop. Not
even rolling. And you look out the window, you can see gum clearly.
So we know that in the future traffic will get even worse than
that. I mean, what will happen?
Will it start moving backwords, I wonder? I mean, is that possible?
That someday we'll be going "Boy, this is some really bad traffic
now, boy. This, is really bad.
I'm gonna try to get off and get back on going the other way."
(Jerry's car)
GEORGE
She can't kill me right?!
JERRY
No, of course not.
GEORGE
People break up all the time.
JERRY
Everyday.
GEORGE
It just didn't work out. What can I
do? I wanted to love her. I tried to
love her. I couldn't.
JERRY
You tried.
GEORGE
I kept looking at her face. I'd go:
"C'mon, love her. Love her!"
JERRY
Did you tell her you loved her?
GEORGE
Oh, I had no choice. She squeezed it
out of me! She'd tell me she loved me.
Alright, at first, I just look at her.
I'd go "Oh, really?" or "Boy, that's,
that's
something." But, eventually you have to come back with "Well,
I love you." You know, you can only hold out for so long!"
JERRY
You're a human being.
GEORGE
And I didn't even ask her out. She asked
me out first. She called me up. What
was I supposed to do? Say no? I can't
do that to someone.
JERRY
You're too nice a guy.
GEORGE
I am. I'm a nice guy.. (realizing) And
she seduced me! We were in my apartment,
I'm sitting on the couch, she's on the
chair - I get up to go to the
bathroom, I come back, she's on the couch. What am I supposed
to do? Not do anything? I couldn't do that. I would've insulted
her.
JERRY
You're flesh and blood.
GEORGE
I had nothing to do wtih any of this!
I met all her friends, I didn't want
to meet them. I kept trying to avoid
it. I knew it would only get me in deeper.
But
they were everywhere! They kept popping up, all over the place.
"This is Nancy, this is Susan, this is Amy.. This is my cousin..
this is my brother.. thisis my father."
It's like I'm in quicksand.
JERRY
I told you when I met her..
GEORGE
My back is killing me.
JERRY
You gotta go to my chiropractor, he's
the best.
GEORGE
Oh yeah, everybody's guy is the best.
JERRY
I'm gonna make an appointment for you.
We'll go together.
GEORGE
Please. They don't do anything.. Look,
do I have to break up with her in person?
CAn't I do it over the phone? I have
no stomach for these things.
JERRY
You should just do it like a Band-Aid.
One motion! Right off!
(Car door opens, it's Elaine)
ELAINE
Hi.
JERRY
Hi.
(George pulls his seat forward to allow Elaine into the back
seats)
ELAINE
Hey, what are you doing?
GEORGE
I'm letting you in.
ELAINE
Oh no. No. I don't want to sit in the
back. I'll be left out of the conversation.
GEORGE
No, you won't.
ELAINE
Yes, I will, George. I'll have to sick
my chin on top of the seat.
GEORGE
Okay..
(George gets out, and gestures for Elaine to sit in the seat)
ELAINE
Why can't you sit in the middle?
GEORGE
Please, it doesn't look good. Boy, boy,
girl.
ELAINE
I think you're afraid to sit next to
a man. You're a little homophobic, aren't
you?
GEORGE
Is it that obvious?
(Elaine sits in the middle)
ELAINE
Hello, Jerry.
JERRY
Hello.
ELAINE
Did you get a haircut?
JERRY
No, shower. So, where are we eating?
ELAINE
Tell me if you think this is strange:
There's this guy who lives in my building,
who I was introduced to a couple of
years ago by a friend. He's a teacher,
or
something. Anyway, after we met, whenever we'd run into each
other on the street, or in the lobby, or whatever, we would stop
and we would chat a little.. Nothing
much. Little pleasantries. He was a nice guy, he's got a family..
then after a while, I noticed there was not more stopping. Just
saying hello and continuing on our way.
polite nodding. Then one day, he doesn't nod. Like I don't exist?!
He went from nods to nothing.
GEORGE
(imitating Tony Bennett) "You know,
I'd go from nods to nothing.."
ELAINE
And now, there's this intense animosity
whenever we passs. I mean, it's like
we really hate each other. It's based
on nothing.
JERRY
A relationship is an organism. You created
this thing and then you starved it so
it turned against you. Same thing happened
to The Blob.
GEORGE
I think you absolutely have to say something
to this guy. Confront him.
ELAINE
Really?
GEORGE
Yes.
ELAINE
You would do that?
GEORGE
If I was a different person.
(Scene ends)
(Jerry's apartment; Jerry's on the phone)
JERRY
Hello.. hello. Is Glenn there? I'm sorry.
Is this 805-555-3234?.. Yes, I know
I have the wrong number. But I just
want to know if I dialed wrong or if..
(Other guy hangs up on Jerry; he redials; enter Kramer)
(The buzzer buzzes; Kramer answers it)
KRAMER
Come on up.
JERRY
(Into phone) Oh, it's you again. See?
Now if you had answered me, I wouldn't
have had to do this. Now that's too
long distance calls I made to you why
can't you.. (guy hangs up on Jerry again). (To Kramer) Why? Why
do they just hang up like that?! Thank you very much.
(Kramer holds up cantaloupe)
KRAMER
Taste this.
JERRY
No, I just had a sandwich.
KRAMER
No, taste it. Taste it.
JERRY
I don't want cantaloupe now.
KRAMER
You've never had cantaloupe like this
before.
JERRY
I only eat cantaloupe at certain times.
KRAMER
Jerry. This is great cantaloupe.
JERRY
Alright.. (tastes it)
KRAMER
Ah, huh. It's good?
JERRY
It's very good.
KRAMER
Good, huh?
JERRY
Good.
KRAMER
I got it at Joe's.
JERRY
Uh-Huh.
KRAMER
Forty-nine cents a pound. That's practically
half than what you're paying at the
supermarket. I don't know why you don't
go to Joe's.
JERRY
It's too far.
KRAMER
It's three blocks further. You can use
my shopping cart..
JERRY
I'm not pulling a shopping cart. What
am I suppose to wear? A kerchief? Put
stockings on and roll 'em down below
my knee?
KRAMER
See, the other thing is, if you don't
like anything, he takes it right back.
JERRY
I don't return fruit. Fruit is a gamble.
I know that going in.
(Enter George; he's extremely excited - he's dancing around the
room, singing the Zorba theme)
GEORGE
I'm outta there. I did it! It's over.
JERRY
You did it? What happened?
GEORGE
I told her. In the kitchen - which was
risky 'cause it's near all the knives.
I started with the word "Listen."
JERRY
Ah ha.
GEORGE
I said, "Listen Marlene," and then the
next thing I know, I'm in the middle
of it. And there's this voice inside
of me going: "You're doing it! You're
doing
it!" And then she started to cry, and I weakened a bit. I almost
relented, but the voice, Jerry. The voice said "Keep going, keep
going. You're almost out!" It's like I
was making a prison break, you know. And I'm heading for the
wall, and I trip and I twist my ankle, and they throw the light
on you, you know. So, somehow I get
the front door. I opened it up, I'm one foot away, I took one
last look around the penitentiary, and I jumped!
JERRY
See, it's never as bad as you imagine.
KRAMER
I liked Marlene. What's her number?
GEORGE
No, I, I don't think so.
(Kramer stants making noises while eating)
JERRY
Could you stop that smacking?
KRAMER
George, I want you to taste this cantaloupe.
GEORGE
Oh no, thank you.
KRAMER
It's the best cantaloupe I ever had.
GEORGE
No, really. No, no, thanks.
KRAMER
Jerry, tell him how good this cantaloupe
is.
JERRY
It's very good cantaloupe. (changing
subject) So that's it? You're out?
GEORGE
Except for one small problem. I left
some books in her apartment.
JERRY
So, go get them.
GEORGE
Oh, no. No, I can't go back there. Jerry,
it's so awkward and, you know, it could
be dangerous - sexually. Something could
happen, I'd be right back
where I started.
JERRY
So forget about the books. Did you read
them?
GEORGE
Well, yeah.
JERRY
What do you need them for?
GEORGE
I don't know. They're books.
JERRY
What is this obsession people have with
books? They put them in their houses
- like they're trophies. What do you
need it for after you read it?
GEORGE
They're MY books.
JERRY
So you want me to get those books? Is
that it?
(Scene ends)
(Coffee Shop)
(Jerry and Marlene are sitting, a pile of books are on the table.)
MARLENE
..So, it must've been ninety-five degrees
that night, and everyone's just standing
around the pool with little drinks in
their hands. I was wearing my old
jeans and T-shirt. And I don't know, I was just in one of those
moods - so I said to myself, "Marlene, just do it," and I jumped
in. And as I'm getting out, I feel all
these eyes on me, and I look up and everyone is just staring
at me.
JERRY
So what'd you do?
MARLENE
Well, nothing. It's not skin off my
hide if people like to look. I just
didn't see what the big attraction was.
JERRY
Well, I have a general idea what it
was. I could take a guess.
MARLENE
(Laughs) Hey, you know, Jerry, just
because George and I don't see each
other anymore, it doesn't mean we shouldn't
stay friends.
JERRY
No.
MARLENE
Good enough. I'm really glad we got
that settled.
(Scene ends)
(Chiropractor waiting room)
JERRY
(Irritated) I don't know how this happened.
GEORGE
Jerry, it's not my fault.
JERRY
No, no. It's not your fault. Books,
books, I need my books. Have you re-read
those books yet, by the way? You know
the great thing? When you read
Moby Dick the second time, Ahab and the whale become good friends.
You know, it's not like Marlene's a bad person or anything, but,
my God! I mean, we've
had like three lunches and a movie. And she never stops calling.
(George nods - he knows exactly what Jerry's talking about) And
it's these meaningless,
purposeless, blather calls. She never asks if I'm busy or anything.
I just pick up the phone and she's in the middle of a sentence.
GEORGE
That's standard. Has she left you one
of those messages where she uses up
the whole machine?
JERRY
Ohh.. you know, and sometimes she'll
go, "Hello, Jerry?" and I'll go "Oh,
hi Marlene." And then it's "Jerry.."
GEORGE
What about getting off the phone?
JERRY
Ohhhh.. you can't. It's impossible.
There's no break in the conversation
where you can go, "Alright, then.. "
You know, it just goes on and on and
on with
out a break in the wall. I mean, I gotta put a stop to this.
GEORGE
Just do it like a Band-Aid. One motion,
right off! She is sexy though. Don't
you think?
JERRY
Yeah. Yes, she is.
(Receptionist enters)
RECEPTIONIST
Mr. Costanza?
GEORGE
Yeah.
RECEPTIONIST
The doctor'll see you now.
GEORGE
(To Jerry, sarcastically) Yeah, doctor.
I'm going to have to wait in that little
room by myself, aren't I? (Picks up
a crossword puzzle) I better take this.
I
hate the little room. "Oh, hello, Doctor."
(Scene ends)
(Night club)
JERRY
Waiting room. I hate when they make
you wait in the room. 'Cause it says
"Waiting room." There's no chance of
not waiting, 'cause they call it the
waiting
room, they're going to use it. They've got it. It's all set up
for you to wait. And you sit there, you know, and you've got
your little magazine. You pretend you're
reading it, but you're really looking at the other people. You
know, you're thinking about about them things like "I wonder
what he's got. As soon as she goes, I'm
getting her magazine." And then, they finally call you and it's
a very exciting moment. They finally call you, and you stand
up and you kinda look around at the other
people in the room. "Well, I guess I've been chosen. I'll see
you all later." You know, so you think you're going to see the
doctor, but you're not, are you? No.
You're going into the next waiting room. The littler waiting
room. But if they are, you know, doing some sort of medical thing
to you, you want to be in the smallest
room that they have, I think. You don't wnat to be in the largest
room that they have. You know what I mean? You ever see these
operating theaters, that they have,
with like, stadium seating? You don't want them doing antying
to you that makes other doctors go, "I have to see this!" "Are
you kidding? Are they really gonna do
that to him?" "Are there seats? Can we get in?" Do they scalp
tickets to these things? "I got two for the Winslow tumor, I
got two.."
(Scene ends)
(Waiting room)
(George returns)
JERRY
So, how was it?
GEORGE
I was in there for two minutes. He didn't
do anything. (Imitating doctor) Touch
this, feel that. Seventy-five bucks.
JERRY
Well, it's a first visit.
GEORGE
What's seventy-five bucks? What, am
I seeing Sinatra in there?! Amd I being
entertained? I don't understand this.
I'm only paying half.
JERRY
You can't do that.
GEORGE
Why not?
JERRY
He's a doctor. You gotta pay what he
says.
GEORGE
Oh, no, no, no. I pay what I say.
(Scene ends)
(Jerry's car)
MARLENE
Are you feeling weird?
JERRY
No, I'm fine.
MARLENE
Nothing really happened.
JERRY
Yeah, I know.
MARLENE
We just kissed a little. People kiss.
JERRY
Yeah.
MARLENE
Well.. night.
(Leans over and kisses Jerry)
JERRY
Good night.
(Scene ends)
(Jerry's apartment)
(Kramer enters with a golf club)
KRAMER
Hey.
JERRY
Hey.
KRAMER
I got it! This time, I got it!
JERRY
Alright.
KRAMER
Hips! See, it's all hips.
JERRY
Uh-huh.
KRAMER
You gotta come through with the hips
first. (Demonstrates)
JERRY
That is out there.
(Kramer notices Jerry's eating cantaloupe, his eyes light up)
KRAMER
Joe's?
JERRY
No, supermarket.
KRAMER
Well, is it good?
JERRY
It's okay.
KRAMER
Let me taste it. (Takes a bite, spits
it out) See, that stinks. You can't
eat that. You should take it back.
JERRY
I'm not taking it back.
KRAMER
Alright, I'll take it back. I'm going
by there.
JERRY
I don't care about it.
KRAMER
Jerry, you should care. Cantaloupe like
this should be taken out of circulation.
JERRY
Alright. Take it back.
(Phone rings, Jerry is reluctant to answer it)
JERRY
(On his answering machine) Leave a message,
I'll call you back.
MARLENE
(Leaving a message) Jerry, have you
ever taken a bath in the dark? If I'm
not talking into the soap right now,
call me back.
KRAMER
Well?
JERRY
Marlene
KRAMER
(Smiles) Oh. Oh, Marlene.
JERRY
Yeah, I took her home one night - we
kinda started up a little bit in the
car.
KRAMER
I thought you were trying to get rid
of her?
JERRY
I was. She's got me, like, hypnotized.
KRAMER
Does George know?
JERRY
No, he'd go nuts.
KRAMER
Yeah, no kidding.
JERRY
I feel terrible. (Kramer smiles) I mean,
I've seen her a couple of times since
then, and I know I can't go any further,
but.. I've just got this like,
psycho-sexual hold over me. I just want her, I can't breathe.
It's like a drug.
KRAMER
Woah, psycho-sexual.
JERRY
I don't know how I'm going to tell him.
KRAMER
Man, I don't understand people. I mean,
why would George want to deprive you
of pleasure? Is it just me?
JERRY
It's partially you, yeah.
KRAMER
You're his friend. Better that she should
sleep with someone else. Some jerk that
he doesn't even know.
JERRY
Well, he can't kill me, right?
KRAMER
You're a human being.
JERRY
I mean, she called me. I haven't called
her. She started it.
KRAMER
You're flesh and blood.
JERRY
I'm a nice guy.
(Enter Elaine, she's holding a lamp)
ELAINE
Hi. (Hands Jerry the lamp)
JERRY
Oh, my little airplane lamp.
ELAINE
You know, you have the slowest elevator
in the entire city? That's hard to get
used to when you're in so many other
fast ones.
JERRY
Well, the apartment elevators are always
slower than the offices, because you
don't have to be home on time.
ELAINE
Unless you're married to a dictator..
JERRY
Yeah.. because they would be very demanding
people.
ELAINE
Right. Exactly. So I imagine at some
point, somebody's going to offer me
some cantaloupe.
KRAMER
Nope. No good.
JERRY
Well, you know what they say: Luck in
love, Unlucky with fruit.
KRAMER
Well, I'm taking this back. (Leaves)
ELAINE
So, I had what you might call a little
encounter this morning.
JERRY
Really? That guy who stopped saying
hello?
ELAINE
Yep.
JERRY
You talked to him?
ELAINE
Yep. I spotted him getting his mail.
And at first, I was just going to walk
on by, but then I thought "no, no, no,
no. Do not be afraid of this man."
JERRY
Right.
ELAINE
So, I walked up behind him and I tapped
him on the shoulder. And I said, "Hi,
remember me?" And he furrows his brow
as if he's really trying to figure it
out. So I said to him, I said, "You little phony. You know exactly
who I am."
JERRY
"You little phony"?
ELAINE
I did. I most certainly did. And he
said, he goes, "Oh, yeah. You're Jeanette's
friend. We did meet once." And I said,
"Well, how do you go from that to
totally ignoring a person when they walk by?"
JERRY
Amazing.
ELAINE
And he says, he says, "Look, I just
didn't want to say hello anymore, alright?"
And I said, "Fine. Fine I didn't want
to say hello anymore either, but I
wanted you to know that I'm aware of it."
(Elaine tastes some cantaloupe)
JERRY
You are the Queen of Confrontation.
You're my new hero. In fact, you've
inspired me. I'm gonna call George about
something right now.
ELAINE
This cantaloupe stinks. (Spits it out)
(Scene ends)
(Coffee Shop)
GEORGE
I don't care.
JERRY
You're kidding.
GEORGE
No, I don't care.
JERRY
You mean that?
GEORGE
Absolutely.
JERRY
You don't care?
GEORGE
No.
JERRY
How could you not care?
GEORGE
I don't know. But I don't. I'm actually
almost happy to hear it.
JERRY
I thought you'd be upset.
GEORGE
I guess I should be but I'm not.
JERRY
Am I a bad person? Did I do something
terrible?
GEORGE
No, you're a fine person. You're a humanitarian.
She's very sexy.
JERRY
That voice. That voice. She's driving
me crazy.
GEORGE
I know, I know.
JERRY
So I can see her tonight, and you don't
care?
GEORGE
See her tonight. See her tomarrow. Go.
Knock yourself out. She's too crazy
for me.
JERRY
Alright. As long as you're okay. Because
I can't stop thinking about her.
GEORGE
I'm okay. I'm fine. I'm wonderful. I
never felt better in my whole life.
JERRY
Good. And I'll tell you what.. You don't
have to pay me back the thirty-five
I gave to the chiropractor for the rest
of your bill.
GEORGE
(Angry) You paid that crook?!
JERRY
I had to.
GEORGE
He didn't do anything, Jerry. It's a
scam! Who told you to do that?
JERRY
It was embarrassing to me.
GEORGE
I was trying to make a point.
JERRY
Why don't you make a point with your
own doctor? (George gulps) What's wrong?
GEORGE
(Gasping) I think I swallowed a fly!
..I swallowed a fly! What do I do? What
can happen?
(Scene ends)
(Jerry's car)
JERRY
..So, you want to come up for a few
minutes?
MARLENE
..I'm sorry, Jerry. I just don't think
this is going to work.
JERRY
Really? I thought..
MARLENE
I know, I'm sorry.
JERRY
I guess I just didn't expect it from
the way you've been acting.
MARLENE
You sure you want to talk about this?
'Cause I sure don't.
JERRY
Of course I want to talk about it.
MARLENE
Well, okay. I guess things changed for
me on Tuesday night.
JERRY
Tuesday night? What happened Tuesday
night?
MARLENE
..I saw your act.
JERRY
My act? What does that have to do with
anything?
MARLENE
Well, to be honest, it just didn't make
it for me. It's just so much fluff.
JERRY
I can't believe this. So what are you
saying? You didn't like my act, so that's
it?
MARLENE
I can't be with someone if I don't respect
what they do.
JERRY
You're a cashier!
MARLENE
Look, Jerry, it's just not my kind of
humor.
JERRY
You can't go by the audience that night.
It was late. They were terrible.
MARLENE
I heard the material.
JERRY
I have other stuff. You should come
see me on the weekend.
(Scene ends)
(Night club)
JERRY
Women need to like the job of the guy
they're with. If they don't like the
job, they don't like the guy. Men know
this. Which is why we make up the phony
bogus names for the jobs that we have. "Well, right now, I'm
the regional management supervisor." "I'm in development, research,
consulting." Men on the other
hand, if they are physically attracted to a woman are not that
concerned with her job. Are we? Men don't really care. Men'll
just go, "Really? Slaughterhouse? Is that
where you work? That sounds interesting. So whatdya got a big
cleaver there? You're just lopping their heads off? That sounds
great! Listen, why don't you shower up, and we'll get some burgers
and catch a movie."
THE END
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