THE FACE PAINTER
Written by
Larry David
(Comedy club)
JERRY
Monkeys are really the end of the line
in the pet world. I think when you're
at the monkey level of pet ownership,
have a kid. I mean, come on, you know,
I mean, you're *so* close. If you need
a pet that can roller skate and smoke
cigars, it's time to think about a family.
Monkeys, of course, were the first astronauts
in the sixties, which I'm sure made
perfect sense in the monkey brain. 'Maybe
that is the next logical step for me,
because I've been working with the Italian
guy and the crank organ, and I think
I'm ready to handle the maximum re-entry
g-forces.
(George and his date are talking in his car.)
GEORGE
Take toilet paper for example. Do you
realize that toilet paper has not changed
in my lifetime? It's just paper on a
cardboard roll, that's it. And in ten
thousand years, it will still be exactly
the same because really, what else can
they do?
SIENA
That's true. There really has been no
development in toilet paper.
GEORGE
And everything else has changed. But
toilet paper is exactly the same, and
will be so until we're dead.
SIENA
Yeah, you're right George. What else
can they do?
GEORGE
It's just paper on a roll, that's it.
And that's all it will ever be.
SIENA
Wow.
GEORGE
You find this interesting, don't you?
SIENA
Yes. yes, I do.
(They stare at each other for a moment, then embrace.)
Jerry and Elaine are at the coffee shop.
ELAINE
Oh, thanks very much, the soup was really
good.
JERRY
What are you telling him for?
ELAINE
What?
JERRY
He's the busboy, you think he cares
about the soup?
ELAINE
Yeah, why? Wouldn't he want the soup
to be good?
JERRY
Elaine, it's all this guy can do to
keep from killing himself. You think
he's back there, talking to the chef,
going, "Hey, they like the soup!Keep
it up!"?
ELAINE
Hey, isn't that Alec Berg?
JERRY
Yep, Alec Berg. He's got a good 'John
Houseman' name. Alec Beeerg. Mr. Beeerg.
ELAINE
I can't stand him, he is so pretentious.
JERRY
John Houseman?
ELAINE
No, Alec Berg.
ALEC
Elaine!
ELAINE
Hi!
ALEC
Hi, how are you? Jerry.
JERRY
Hi, Alec.
ALEC
Did you hear about Gary Fogel?
JERRY
Yeah.
ALEC
You gonna go to the funeral on Friday?
JERRY
Yeah, hey did I see you on TV at the
Ranger game? Were those your seats
right behind the glass?
ALEC
Those are them, yeah. Season tickets.
Uh, you know, unfortunately I
can't go tonight, so they're available if you'd like to use them.
JERRY
Oh, I'd love to, are you sure?
ALEC
Absolutely, you just call my secretary,
she'll arrange everything.
JERRY
Gee thanks! Thanks a lot!
ALEC
It's my pleasure. Be good. (Walking
away, he stops abruptly) You know,
I actually might not use them on Friday either so I'll let you
know.
JERRY
Alright, thanks again.
ELAINE
Thank you very much.
JERRY
Really, thank you.
Jerry and Elaine are back at his apartment.
JERRY
Well what about these nitwits that get
on a plane with nothing to read?
You know who these people are?
ELAINE
Who?
JERRY
These are the people that want to talk
to you. They got nothing else to
do, why not disturb you?
ELAINE
I will never understand people.
JERRY
They're the worst.
George enters, carrying a bouquet of flowers and singing.
GEORGE
Something's up, there's something in
the air.
JERRY
Well, what is with you?
GEORGE
Well, I think this is it.
ELAINE
What's it?
GEORGE
I saw Siena again.
ELAINE
Siena?
JERRY
Yeah, he's dating a crayon.
GEORGE
We discussed toilet paper.
JERRY
Toilet paper?
GEORGE
Yeah, I told her how toilet paper hasn't
changed in my lifetime, and
probably wouldn't change in the next fifty thousand years and
she was
fascinated, fascinated!
JERRY
What are you talking about?
ELAINE
Yeah.
JERRY
Toilet paper's changed.
ELAINE
Yeah.
JERRY
It's softer.
ELAINE
Softer.
JERRY
More sheets per roll
ELAINE
Sheets.
JERRY
Comes in a wide variety of colors.
ELAINE
Colors.
GEORGE
Ok, ok, fine! It's changed, it's not
really the point. Anyway, I'm
thinking of making a big move.
JERRY
What?
GEORGE
I might tell her that I love her. I
came this close last night, then I
just chickened out.
JERRY
Well, that's a big move, Georgie boy.
Are you confident in the 'I love
you' return?
GEORGE
Fifty-fifty.
JERRY
Cause if you don't get that return,
that's a pretty big matzoh ball
hanging out there.
GEORGE
Aw, I've just got to say it once, everybody
else gets to say it, why
can't I say it?
ELAINE
What, you never said it?
GEORGE
Once, to a dog. He licked himself and
left the room.
JERRY
Well, so it wasn't a total loss.
Kramer enters.
KRAMER
Hey.
JERRY
Hey, I forgot to tell you! I got tickets
to the Rangers-Devils playoff
game tonight!
KRAMER
Oh, I'm there, Monongahela!
JERRY
What about you, George?
GEORGE
Eh eh eh, can't do it, can't do it,
sorry, I got a date.
KRAMER
So, so.
GEORGE
Oh no no no, if you must know, I would
rather be with her than go to
the game.
KRAMER
She must be a very special lady, huh
George, yeah.
JERRY
Well, what do I do with the extra ticket?
ELAINE
Oh hey, can I bring David Puddy? He's
a big Devils' fan.
JERRY
Sure, fine with me.
GEORGE
Hey, by the way, if anybody wants an
inside tour of the zoo, Siena
works there as a trainer.
KRAMER
So she works at the zoo?
GEORGE
Yeah, yeah.
KRAMER
Yeah, like Diane Fosse. You know she's
the only person that's ever
been accepted into gorilla society. And you know, once those
gorillas accept
you, you got it made in the shade.
Elaine is at Puddy's apartment, waiting in the living room while
he gets ready.
ELAINE
So how long have you been a Devils'
fan?
PUDDY
Since I was a kid, I'm from Jersey.
ELAINE
Yeah? Well, we're gonna kick your butts
tonight.
PUDDY
Hey, no way, man.
ELAINE
Yes.
PUDDY
We're primed.
ELAINE
Alright, you almost ready? Cause Jerry
and Kramer are gonna be here
any second.
Puddy enters wearing a Devils' jersey and red and green paint
all over his face.
ELAINE
What the--
PUDDY
So what do you think?
ELAINE
What is that?
PUDDY
I painted my face.
ELAINE
You painted your face?
PUDDY
Yeah.
ELAINE
Why?
PUDDY
You know, support the team.
ELAINE
Well, you can't walk around like that.
PUDDY
Why not?
ELAINE
Because it's insane?
PUDDY
Hey, you gotta let them know you're
out there, this is the playoffs.
There's a knock at the door, Puddy answers it. It's Jerry and
Kramer. Kramer
enters first and does a typical 'Kramer take' when he sees Puddy's
painted face.
He recovers quickly.
KRAMER
Hey.
PUDDY
Hey.
ELAINE
Dave, um, painted his face.
KRAMER
Yeah, that's cool. Well, you gotta support
your team.
PUDDY
Ok, ready to go?
KRAMER
Yeah.
PUDDY
LET'S GET IT ON!!! Alright!! Go Devils!!
Go
Devils!! Let's go Devils!!
Madison Square Garden, the four of them are at the game. Three
are seated,
Puddy has his face pressed against the glass as there's action
in his corner.
PUDDY
You're dead, Messier! We're gonna get
you, Messier!
FAN #1
Will you sit down?
PUDDY
Hey man, I'm just trying to support
the team.
ELAINE
Will you sit down? You're disturbing
everybody. Sit down!
PUDDY
Oh yeah, because you're a Ranger fan
and you know I'm messing with their
heads.
Just then the Devils score a goal and Puddy is back up, banging
the glass.
PUDDY
Go Devils!!
George and Siena are sitting in the car again. They're listening
to the hockey
game on the radio.
RADIO ANNOUNCER
Devils goal! Stephan Richer scores from
just inside the blue
line! And the Devils take-- (George turns down the volume)
GEORGE
You know, I could have actually gone
to that.
SIENA
So why didn't you?
GEORGE
Well, I didn't want to break our date.
SIENA
Oh, well.
GEORGE
Because I... I love you.
SIENA
You know, I'm hungry. Let's get something
to eat.
Jerry, Elaine, Kramer and Puddy are walking on the street after
the game. The
Devils must have won because Puddy is gloating.
PUDDY
Ha ha! We took it to you! You couldn't
get it out of your zone all
night. We were aggressive, we didn't let you penetrate!
KRAMER
Alright, that's enough out of you, there's
still three more games left
in this series, my friend, and it's far from being over. Very
far from being
over. (Notices a car coming right towards Puddy, who's crossing
the street)
Watch out!
The car stops just short of hitting Puddy. There's an old priest
in the
passenger seat.
PUDDY
Hey, what are you doing?! Watch where
you're
driving, man! (He approaches the passenger side window) Don't
mess with the
Devils, buddy. We're number one, we beat anybody! We're the Devils!
The
Devils!! Haaaa!!!
Puddy runs away, leaving the old priest shaken.
FATHER HERNANDEZ
El Diablo! Dios mio! El Diablo!!
Jerry and George are at the coffee shop.
JERRY
"I'm hungry. Let's get something to
eat."
GEORGE
Yup.
JERRY
Big matzoh ball.
GEORGE
Huge matzoh ball.
JERRY
Those damn 'I love you' returns.
GEORGE
Well, it's all over. I slipped up.
JERRY
Oh, you don't know.
GEORGE
You have any idea how fast these things
deteriorate when there's an 'I
love you' out of the bag? You can't have a relationship where
one person says,
"I love you", and the other says, "I'm hungry. Let's get something
to eat.".
JERRY
Unless you're married.
GEORGE
I mean, now she thinks that I'm one
of these guys that love her.
Nobody wants to be with somebody that loves them.
JERRY
No, people hate that.
GEORGE
You want to be with somebody that doesn't
like you.
JERRY
Ideally.
GEORGE
I am never saying 'I love you' again
unless they say it first.
WAITRESS
Matzoh ball soup?
GEORGE
That'd be me.
Jerry enters his apartment carrying a bag of groceries. As soon
as Jerry closes
the door, we hear Kramer's door open and close. That moment,
Kramer walks in.
KRAMER
Hey, Jerry? You're a smart guy, right?
JERRY
No question about it.
KRAMER
Alright, you know I'm supposed to go
on this special tour today with
George's girlfriend.
JERRY
At the zoo?
KRAMER
Yeah, but before I met up with her,
I stopped to look at the monkeys,
when all of a sudden I am hit in the face with a banana peel.
I turn and look
and there is this monkey really laughing it up. Then someone
tells me that he
did it. Well, I pick up the banana peel and I wait for that monkey
to turn
around. And then I *whap* let him have it.
JERRY
Kramer, you threw a banana peel at a
monkey?
KRAMER
Well, he started it!
JERRY
It's a monkey, Kramer!
KRAMER
Well, he pushed my buttons, I couldn't
help it, Jerry.
JERRY
Well, I still think it's wrong.
KRAMER
Alright, alright, fine. You take the
monkey's side, alright, go ahead.
JERRY
I'm not taking anyone's side.
KRAMER
Cause I know what happened, Jerry. (remembering
something
and walking back in) Did you call Alec Berg and thank him for
the hockey
tickets?
JERRY
No.
KRAMER
Oh, Jerry, what are you waiting for?
JERRY
What do I gotta call him for? I thanked
him five times when he gave
them to me, how many time I gotta thank him?
KRAMER
Oh, no no no, you gotta call him the
next day, it's common courtesy.
JERRY
No, I don't believe in it. I'm taking
a stand against all this over
thanking.
KRAMER
Jerry, good manners are the glue of
society.
JERRY
Hey, if I knew I had to give him eight
million 'thank you's, I wouldn't
have taken the tickets in the first place.
KRAMER
Alright, you know what this is gonna
do? He's gonna be upset because
you didn't call him and we're not gonna get those tickets for
Friday night.
JERRY
Ah, you're out of your mind.
KRAMER
Alright, where you going?
JERRY
I gotta get a suit cleaned, I have a
funeral on Friday.
KRAMER
Who died?
JERRY
Remember the guy who pretended he had
cancer so O would buy him the
toupee?
KRAMER
So he actually had it?
JERRY
No, car accident. He was trying to adjust
his toupee while he was
driving and he lost control of the car.
Riverside Gramercy Chapel. Jerry and Elaine are at Gary Fogel's
funeral.
ELAINE
That poor priest. He was just visiting
from El Salvador. Now he's
gone completely loco.
JERRY
The one Puddy screamed at in the car?
ELAINE
Yeah. He thinks he saw the devil. He
won't leave his room in the
church basement.
JERRY
Well, that's what you get for getting
mixed up with a face painter.
ELAINE
I mean, what compels a seemingly normal
human being to do something
like that?
JERRY
Gotta support the team.
Several women weep off camera. Elaine inspects her outfit.
ELAINE
You know I really hate my clothes.
JERRY
Hm.
ELAINE
I open up my closet, there's just nothing.
JERRY
Hm.
ELAINE
Nothing. I hate everything I have, I
really hate it. (The weeping
increases in volume and intensity) I mean, at this point, it's
like I can wear
something three or four times and that's it.
JERRY
Hm.
ELAINE
It's getting to be a terrible problem
for me.
Jerry (noticing Alec Berg walk in, whispers) Hey, Alec!
Alec barely acknowledges the greeting and takes a seat.
JERRY
Did you see that? What kind of a 'hello'
was that?
Kramer is in the office at the zoo.
MR. PLESS
Ah, Mr. Kramer?
KRAMER
Yes.
MR. PLESS
Thanks for coming.
KRAMER
So, uh, what did you want to see me
about?
MR. PLESS
Well, Mr. Kramer, to get right to it,
we're having a bit of a
problem with Barry.
KRAMER
Barry?
MR. PLESS
The chimpanzee.
KRAMER
Oh. Well, uh, what's the problem?
MR. PLESS
Well, he's not functioning the way he
normally does. He seems
depressed. He's lost his appetite. He's even curtailed his autoerotic
activities. And we think this is directly related to the altercation
he had
with you the other day.
KRAMER
So, so what do you want me to do?
MR. PLESS
Well, frankly we'd like you to apologize.
KRAMER
Yeah, well he started it.
MR. PLESS
Mr. Kramer, he is an innocent primate.
KRAMER
So am I. What about my feelings? Don't
my feelings count for
anything? Oh, only the poor monkey's important. Everything has
to be done for
the monkey! Look, I'm sorry. I--
SIENA
Hey, that's ok. Well, I've gotta go
feed the marmosets.
KRAMER
You know
George really likes you.
MR. PLESS
She doesn't hear too well out of her
left ear.
KRAMER
Oh.
Jerry and George are at Jerry's apartment.
JERRY
I mean, do you think it's possible that
he's mad at me because he didn't
get the day-after 'thank you'?
GEORGE
Wait a minute, you were at a funeral,
right?
JERRY
Yeah.
GEORGE
Well, people never give a good 'hello'
at a funeral. I mean, they go
like this (George gives an extremely understated nod) That's
the biggest.
JERRY
Yeah, yeah, that's kinda what he gave
me.
GEORGE
Hey, they can't go, "Hey! You look fabulous!"
Kramer enters.
JERRY
Hey.
KRAMER
Hey. Well, I just spoke to your girlfriend.
GEORGE
Girlfriend, yeah, right.
KRAMER
Anyway, she asked me to apologize to
Barry.
GEORGE
Barry?
KRAMER
The monkey.
JERRY
Well?
KRAMER
Nothing doing. Jerry, I didn't do anything.
It's the monkey that
should be apologizing to me.
JERRY
Well, I don't think that's gonna happen.
KRAMER
Well, I'm sorry. Well, George, I tried
to put the good word in for you
with Siena, but I don't think she heard me. You know, left ear?
GEORGE
What?
KRAMER
Yeah, her boss told me that she can't
hear very well out of her left
ear. What, you didn't know that?
GEORGE
Oh my god.
JERRY
What?
GEORGE
She probably never heard it. Don't you
see what this means? It's like
the whole thing never happened. It's like when Superman reversed
the rotation
of the earth to save Lois Lane!
JERRY
Are you gonna say it again?
GEORGE
That's the question, Jimmy.
Jerry and George are still at Jerry's apartment, some time has
passed.
GEORGE
I'm gonna do it.
JERRY
What? After what you just went through,
I thought you said you'd never
say it again.
GEORGE
I'd like to say it once to someone that
can actually hear it!
George storms out of the apartment as Kramer enters.
KRAMER
What's going on?
JERRY
He's gonna talk into her other ear.
KRAMER
Oh. Well listen, I almost forgot to
ask you. What happened at the
funeral? Now, did you talk to Alec berg?
JERRY
Yeah, I saw him.
KRAMER
Alright, so he's gonna give you the
hockey tickets, huh?
JERRY
Well, not exactly.
KRAMER
He's mad, isn't he? See, I knew it.
JERRY
I don't know if he's mad.
KRAMER
Alright, so what happened when you saw
him?
JERRY
Well, I didn't really get a good 'hello',
but see, I was at a funeral.
KRAMER
Uh huh.
JERRY
See, so I don't know if I got a funeral
'hello' or he was mad because he
didn't get his day-after 'thank you'.
KRAMER
See, I told you, Jerry, I told you!
JERRY
Look, what do you want me to do?
KRAMER
I want you to get on this phone and
give him his 'thank you'!
JERRY
No. No, I can't!
KRAMER
Jerry, this is the way society functions.
Aren't you a part of
society? Because if you don't want to be a part of society, Jerry,
why don't
you just get in your car and move to the East Side!
JERRY
Look, we got five hours before the game.
I am betting it was a funeral
'hello'. He knows we're here, he knows the number, he knows we
want to go.
There's plenty of time for him to call and give us the tickets.
KRAMER
You stubborn, stupid, silly man!
Elaine and Puddy are at Elaine's apartment.
PUDDY
Hey, great dip. You made this?
ELAINE
No, it's from the store.
PUDDY
Oh. Hey, how come people don't have
dip for dinner? Why is it only a
snack, why can't it be a meal, you know? I don't understand stuff
like that.
ELAINE
David? David, I think we aught to talk.
PUDDY
Alright, that's cool.
ELAINE
David, I don't think we should see each
other anymore.
PUDDY
You gotta be kidding, how come?
ELAINE
Well, you see, David, you're a face
painter.
PUDDY
Yeah, that's right.
ELAINE
Well, it's not that I don't like you,
but, well to be perfectly honest,
I'm just having some trouble getting past the face painting.
PUDDY
Well, alright, so you don't like the
face painting, I just won't paint
it anymore.
ELAINE
Yeah, but you like the face painting.
PUDDY
Well, I don't need to do it. It's not
like a habit or anything.
ELAINE
Oh. You mean you'd stop it for me?
PUDDY
Yeah, that's right.
ELAINE
That's so, that's so sweet.
PUDDY
Ah, c'mere. (They kiss) Alright, I gotta
go home and get changed before
the game. I'll be back, we'll make out.
George and Siena are making out in his car.
GEORGE
Siena, I love you.
SIENA
Yeah, I know. I heard you the first
time.
GEORGE
Yeah. Just confirming.
Jerry is sitting alone in his apartment waiting for Alec to call.
The phone
rings, Jerry answers.
JERRY
Hello? Oh, hi mom. No, listen, I was
expecting somebody else. I'm
sorry, I can't talk now, I gotta keep the line clear, I'll call
you later. Yes,
I know I have call waiting but I don't trust it in an emergency.
Good bye.
Kramer is at the zoo, talking with Barry, the monkey.
KRAMER
Anyway, I um, I just want to say that
I'm sorry. I lost my temper and
I probably shouldn't have. I took it out on you and, look, if
I've caused you
any problems as a result of my behavior, well then, I'm sorry.
I apologize.
Even though, Barry, between me and you, we both know that you
started it. I
mean, who's kidding who? But they tell me that you're very upset,
and god
forbid I should disturb the very important monkey, I'm just hoping
we can put
this behind us, let's just move on with our lives, ok? So no
hard feelings?
Kramer moves in for a handshake, Barry spits water all over his
jacket. Kramer
gets defensive and Barry starts screaming and climbing the cage
bars.
Elaine's apartment, Elaine and Puddy are making out. She unbuttons
his shirt
and notices something peculiar.
ELAINE
What is that?
PUDDY
That's the letter 'D'.
ELAINE
Why is the letter 'D' painted on your
chest?
PUDDY
Well, I'm going to the game tonight,
and me and these five other guys
are gonna take our shirts off and spell out 'Devils'.
ELAINE
But you said no more painting.
PUDDY
No, I said no more face painting, and
as you can see this is not my
face.
ELAINE
Yeah, that's right.
Jerry is still waiting for the phone call. Kramer enters.
KRAMER
Well? Did he call?
JERRY
No.
KRAMER
Oh, come on, Jerry! Come on, this is
stupid! It's six o'clock! It's
all over, just pick up the phone and thank him!
JERRY
Alright! (picks up the phone and dials)
Hello, Alec? Hi, it's Jerry
Seinfeld. You know, you got a great 'John Houseman' name. Alec
Berg. Did you
hand in your assignment, Mr. Berg?
ALEC
What can I do for you, Jerry?
JERRY
Well, Alec, the reason I called is I
just wanted to thank you for the
tickets from the other night.
ALEC
I wish you'd called me earlier, I could
have given you my tickets for
tonight.
JERRY
Oh, you already gave them away?
ALEC
Yeah, but you know what? I have a friend,
he's got a couple of seats.
If you don't mind the nose bleed section, they're yours.
JERRY
No, we don't care, we just want to go.
ALEC
There is one little catch, though.
Exterior shot of MSG marquee announcing the Rangers vs Devils
playoff game
tonight. Cut to some on-ice action, then to the cheap seats where
Puddy, Jerry
and Kramer are seated, shirtless.
PUDDY
Hey, great game, huh?
The Devils score a goal, Puddy stands up screaming and drags
Jerry and Kramer to
their feet. Alongside Puddy's 'D', Jerry sports an 'E' on his
chest, Kramer has
a 'V' on his, and three more shirtless guys bearing 'I',' L'
and 'S' rise
alongside them. All are cheering wildly, except for Jerry and
Kramer who stand
silent.
The El Salvadoran priest is in his bedroom, another priest is
at his bedside.
PRIEST
Father Hernandez?
FATHER HERNANDEZ
Huh?
PRIEST
Una senora que te vino a ver. Ella dice
que tiene informacion muy
important information that could be helpful to you.")
FATHER HERNANDEZ
Bueno.
PRIEST
Al fini finalmente paró el llover. (Subtitled:
"Finally it stopped
raining.")
FATHER HERNANDEZ
Aha, bueno.
The priest shows Elaine into the room, she's wearing a white
raincoat with a
hood. As she approaches the bed, she's backlit by the sunlight
coming through
the window.
ELAINE
Hello father.
FATHER HERNANDEZ
Oh. La Madonna! Madre de Christo! Yo
estoy lista!
THE END
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