THE FATIGUES
Written by
Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin
Jerry and a woman are eating at a restaurant.
WOMAN
Well I started out working in mortgage
bonds, but I just found that so
limiting.
JERRY
My friend Kramer and I were discussing
that same thing the other day.
He was with Brant-Leland for a while.
WOMAN
Wow. Well then my mentor suggested that
I move into equities, best move
I ever made.
JERRY
Mentor? You mean your boss.
WOMAN
Oh, no no no, Cynthia's just a successful
businesswoman who's taken me
under her wing.
JERRY
Hmm. So Cynthia's your mentor.
WOMAN
And I'm her protégé. You must have someone
like that. You know, who
guides you in your career path.
JERRY
Well, I like Gabe Kaplan.
George and Jerry are in Jerry's apartment.
GEORGE
I still don't understand this. Abby
has a mentor?
JERRY
Yes. And the mentor advises the protégé.
GEORGE
Is there any money involved?
JERRY
No.
GEORGE
So what's in it for the mentor?
JERRY
Respect, admiration, prestige.
GEORGE
Pssh. Would the protégé pick up stuff
for the mentor?
JERRY
I suppose if it was on the protégé's
way to the mentor, they might.
GEORGE
Laundry? Dry cleaning?
JERRY
It's not a valet, it's a protégé.
GEORGE
Alright. Listen, I gotta get some reading
done. You mind if I do this
here? I can't concentrate in my apartment.
JERRY
Risk management?
GEORGE
Yeah. Steinbrenner wants everyone in
the front office to give a
lecture in their area of business expertise.
JERRY
Well what makes them think you're a
risk management expert?
GEORGE
I guess it's on my resume.
The phone rings, Jerry answers.
JERRY
Hello?
VOICE
Please hold for Elaine Benes.
GEORGE
You know what? I can't do this. I can't
read books anymore; books on
tape have ruined me, Jerry. I need that nice voice. This book
has *my* voice.
I hate my voice.
JERRY
So get this book on tape.
GEORGE
You can't, it's a textbook.
ELAINE
Hey, Jer. Are you going to this Bob
Sacamano party?
JERRY
Am I going? It was three nights ago.
ELAINE
What? You're kidding, I just got this
invitation today. Oh, I was so
excited. It's really a beautiful invitation.
JERRY
Oh, it was a lovely affair.
ELAINE
Wait a minute; this postmark is three
weeks old. Man, this happens all
the time. (Into intercom) Jeanine? Who the hell runs the mailroom?
JEANINE
Eddie Sherman.
ELAINE
Alright, send him up here.
JERRY
You gonna do a little yelling?
ELAINE
I'm gonna do a little firing.
JERRY
That is so cool, can you put me on the
speaker?
ELAINE
Oh yeah, sure. (hangs up) Gimme a break.
Jerry gets a dial tone and hangs up; he looks over at George
who has nodded off
with the book in his lap. Jerry picks up a peanut and tosses
it at George,
hitting him in the glasses and waking him up.
JERRY
Hey, Copernicus?
Elaine's office.
JEANINE
Eddie Sherman is here.
ELAINE
Oh, great. Send him in.
Eddie Sherman walks in dressed in full military fatigues. He
speaks in a raspy
voice.
EDDIE
You wanted to see me?
ELAINE
Eddie. Yes, um, I am so sorry but I'm
afraid we're gonna have to...
promote you.
Elaine and Jerry are at the coffee shop.
JERRY
So, what did you say?
ELAINE
Well, I called him all the way up to
my office, so I had to tell him
something important. So I promoted him.
JERRY
What? What did you--
ELAINE
Copywriter.
JERRY
He's writing copy?
ELAINE
Well it can't be any worse than the
pointless drivel we normally churn
out.
Kramer walks in carrying a stack of flyers, he hands a few to
Jerry and Elaine.
KRAMER
Yowza yowza. Check it out.
JERRY
Jewish singles night?
KRAMER
I expect you both to be there.
ELAINE
I'm not Jewish.
KRAMER
Well neither am I.
JERRY
Well why are you going?
KRAMER
I'm not, I'm running it.
JERRY
What are you talking about?
KRAMER
Well Lomez, he usually runs it but he's
in the Everglades.
JERRY
Lomez is Jewish?
KRAMER
Oh yeah yeah yeah. Orthodox, Jerry.
Old school.
ELAINE
At the Knights of Columbus?
KRAMER
Yeah, Frank Costanza, he's getting me
a room at his lodge. So Jerry,
you know I'm really counting on you to come to this.
JERRY
Kramer, you know, I--
KRAMER
No, Jerry, look I'm cooking all the
food myself.
ELAINE
A tempting schmear of authentic Jewish
delicacies.
KRAMER
Do you like tsimmis?
Jerry and Abby are being seated in a restaurant.
ABBY
My mentor says the duck is outstanding
here.
JERRY
I'm not really a duck fan, the skin
seems sort of human.
ABBY
Oh! Look who's here, Cynthia!
CYNTHIA
Hello, Abby.
ABBY
Hello. Jerry, this is Cynthia Pearlman,
my mentor.
JERRY
Hello.
CYNTHIA
Hi Jerry, nice to finally meet you.
ABBY
Well come join us, we could pull up
a chair.
CYNTHIA
Great, my boyfriend's just parking the
car. Actually, Jerry, you
night know him, he's a comic too.
JERRY
No kidding?
CYNTHIA
Kenny Banya.
JERRY
Banya?
Banya enters.
BANYA
Hey, Jerry!! How's it going?! You gonna
join us for dinner? The duck
here's the best. The best, Jerry.
George is on the subway, seated beside a blind man wearing headphones.
GEORGE
Excuse me, I'm sorry to bother you,
I noticed that you have a textbook
on tape. May I ask where you got that?
MAN
Reading for the Blind. They can get
any book on tape.
GEORGE
I tell ya, I am hooked on these books
on tape.
MAN
Oh, tell me about it. These things have
ruined me for Braille.
George and Jerry are at Jerry's apartment.
JERRY
Reading for the Blind?
GEORGE
I take an eye test; I flunk it, the
next thing you know I am swinging
to the sweet sounds of risk management.
JERRY
So, I finally met the mentor.
GEORGE
What's she like? Impressive?
JERRY
Oh yeah, she's dating Banya.
GEORGE
Banya?
JERRY
Yeah. I had to spend two hours at dinner
last night with that specimen.
GEORGE
What did you have?
JERRY
Chicken, how could she look up to a
person who voluntarily spends time
with Banya?
GEORGE
Marsala?
JERRY
Piccata, if anything I should be dating
a mentor and Banya should be
setting pins in a bowling alley.
GEORGE
Alright, I got a test to fail.
JERRY
Hey, good luck with that.
GEORGE
Thank you.
George opens the door to see Kramer and Frank leaving Kramer's
apartment.
GEORGE
Dad.
FRANK
What are you wearing, an athletic sweat
suit?
GEORGE
What are you doing here?
KRAMER
Well, he came by to pick up his check
for the banquet hall. You know I
got a hundred and eighty-three responses? Oh, it's gonna be a
rager.
JERRY
Kramer, how are you gonna cook Jewish
delicacies for a hundred and
eighty-three people?
KRAMER
Yeah, you're right. That's a lot of
pupkitz. Hey Frank, you know
anybody who can help me cook?
FRANK
Cook? No, I don't know any cooks. I
don't know anything about cooking!
Frank storms out of the apartment.
KRAMER
What's the matter with him?
GEORGE
My dad was a cook during the Korean
War. Something very bad happened,
ever since you can't get him near a kitchen.
KRAMER
Shell-shocked?
GEORGE
Oh yeah, but that has nothing to do
with it.
Elaine is wrapping up a meeting at Peterman's.
ELAINE
That's good work, guys. That aught to
do it for today.
EDDIE
Wait. You didn't ask me about my ideas.
ELAINE
Oh, Eddie, well it's your first day.
EDDIE
I'm ready.
ELAINE
Oh, okay.
EDDIE
It's a hot night. The mind races. You
think about your
knife; the only friend who hasn't betrayed you, the only friend
who won't be
dead by sun up. Sleep tight, mates, in your quilted Chambray
nightshirts.
Elaine and Jerry are at the coffee shop.
ELAINE
What am I gonna do? He is a disaster.
JERRY
Well, if he's doing that bad, maybe
he's in line for another promotion.
ELAINE
You know what? You are exactly right.
That is what I should do, I
should promote him. I'll give him another office on another floor
and he can
sit there with his nice title and his bayonet and stop freakin'
me out.
George is taking an eye exam.
GEORGE
Nothing at all.
DOCTOR
Well George, your vision is quite impaired.
If you'll just sign this
insurance form, here's a pen.
George reaches for the pen and grabs the Doctor's face.
GEORGE
You're a very handsome man, by the way.
Jerry walks into his apartment; there are pots and pans bubbling
on the stove.
JERRY
What the hell is going on here?
Kramer comes running in holding a scalding pot full of dumplings,
he drops the
pot into the sink and cools his burnt fingers.
JERRY
What are you doing?
KRAMER
I got three kitchens going. I got brisket
going at Newman's, I got
kugel working at Mrs. Zamfino's, this is kreplach. Here, try
some of this.
JERRY
No, I don't want to.
KRAMER
Eat, eat! You're skin and bones.
Jerry gabs a fork and tastes a piece.
KRAMER
Hah?
JERRY
Oh, this is awful.
KRAMER
Jerry, it's kreplach. It's an acquired
taste, yeah.
Kramer bites into one and spits it out.
JERRY
Did you follow the recipe?
KRAMER
The recipe was for four to six people;
I had to multiply for a hundred
and eighty-three people. I guess I got confused.
JERRY
It tastes like dirt.
KRAMER
Well I also dropped it on the way over.
Look I'm in trouble, I got no
skills. I can't peel, I can't chop, I can't grate. I can't mince!
I got no
sense of flavor, obviously. You know, I gotta talk to Frank.
JERRY
Kramer, you can't talk to Frank.
KRAMER
No I gotta talk to him, I know that
he can help me, Jerry.
Abby walks in.
ABBY
I think there's a dead animal in the
elevator.
KRAMER
My stuffed cabbage!
Kramer runs out.
ABBY
So, great dinner last night.
JERRY
Yeah, it was alright.
ABBY
I told Cynthia we'd double with her
and Banya Saturday and then catch his
act.
JERRY
No. No, no way, no Banya.
ABBY
What?
JERRY
Have you seen his act? He's got a twelve-minute
bit about Ovaltine.
He's a punk, a patsy, a hack.
ABBY
Cynthia would not date a hack.
JERRY
Would. Does. Is.
Elaine is chairing a meeting at Peterman's.
ELAINE
Before we get started, I am happy to
tell you that Eddie Sherman is no
longer writing for this catalog.
There are general remarks of relief from the meeting attendees.
ELAINE
He's upstairs, I made him Director of
Corporate Development.
EMPLOYEE
You promoted him?
ELAINE
Well, no, I would hardly--
EMPLOYEE
I bust my hump ever day.
ELAINE
Relax--
EMPLOYEE
As far as I'm concerned, you and your
deranged protégé can run the
catalog by yourselves! I quit!
What follows is a chorus of "me too"s and "I'm with him"s as
everybody walks
out.
ELAINE
Well, hey? Hey. Hey!!
George is in his office at Yankee stadium, he pushes 'play' on
a cassette
recorder. The voice on the tape sounds exactly like George.
VOICE
Chapter one. In order to manage risk
we must first understand risk.
How do you spot risk? How do you avoid risk and what makes it
so risky?
GEORGE
This guy sounds just like me.
VOICE
To understand risk, we must first define
risk.
GEORGE
This is horrible.
VOICE
Risk is defined as--
GEORGE
Stop it! Stop it!
Kramer is at Frank's.
KRAMER
C'mon Frank, I need you. I mean the
war was fifty years ago.
FRANK
In my mind, there's a war still going
on.
KRAMER
Alright, what happened, Frank? What
is it that you can't get over?
Frank pours a shot of whiskey and drinks it.
FRANK
Inchon, Korea, 1950. I was the best
cook Uncle Sam ever saw, slinging
hash for the Fighting 103rd. As we marched north, our supply
lines were getting
thin. One day a couple of GIs found a crate, inside were six
hundred pounds of
prime Texas steer. At least it once was prime. The Use date was
three weeks
past, but I was arrogant, I was brash, I thought if I used just
the right
spices, cooked it long enough...
KRAMER
What happened?
FRANK
I went too far. I over seasoned it.
Men were keeling over all around
me. I can still hear the retching, the screaming. I sent sixteen
of my own men
to the latrines that night. They were just boys.
KRAMER
Frank, you were a boy too. And it was
war. It was a crazy time for
everyone.
FRANK
Tell that to Bobby Colby. All that kid
wanted to do was go home. Well
he went home alright, with a crater in his colon the size of
a cutlet. Had to
sit him on a cork the eighteen-hour flight home!
KRAMER
Frank, now listen to me. Two hundred
Jewish singles need you. This is
your chance to make it all right again.
FRANK
No. No, I'll never cook again! Never!
Now get out of my house!! Get
out. Go.
Jerry and Abby are in Jerry's apartment.
JERRY
So you saw Banya's act?
ABBY
He got two minutes into that Ovaltine
thing and I just couldn't take it
anymore.
JERRY
I told you, it's like getting beaten
with a bag of oranges.
ABBY
Why is he so obsessed with Ovaltine?
JERRY
He just thinks that anything that dissolves
in milk is funny.
ABBY
Anyway, Cynthia and I got into this
big argument afterwards and I think
it's over.
JERRY
No more mentor?
ABBY
Looks that way.
JERRY
Well at least you and I are okay again.
ABBY
Actually I was kind of thinking that
maybe we shouldn't see each other
for a while.
JERRY
Why?
ABBY
Well I'm feeling a little disoriented.
It's just weird for me not to
have an advisor.
JERRY
I can tell you what to do.
ABBY
No, it's more than that.
JERRY
I can tell you what to think.
ABBY
I need someone I can trust.
JERRY
Oh.
George busts in.
GEORGE
I got a big problem here, Jerry. The
tapes are worthless.
JERRY
Kind of in the middle of something here,
George.
George shuts up and relaxes on the couch.
JERRY
George?
ABBY
I gotta run anyway.
JERRY
I can't believe you feel you really
need a mentor.
ABBY
I just need someone who can give me
some kind of direction. I'll see ya.
JERRY
Yeah, see ya.
Abby leaves and George gets up and runs out the door after her.
JERRY
What's your problem.
George runs back.
GEORGE
No problem.
George runs away again.
Elaine and Eddie Sherman are alone in the office working on writing
copy.
EDDIE
Hey, I think I got something here. The
Bengalese Galoshes.
ELAINE
Oh.
EDDIE
It's tough keeping your feet dry when
you're kicking in a
skull.
ELAINE
You know, Eddie, that might be just
a tad harsh for womenswear.
EDDIE
Well, I'm not married to it.
Elaine. Oh. Well, um, in that case why don't we take the phrase,
"kicking in a
skull" and we tweak it, you know, just a hair, to something like,
what, like
"strolling through a dewy meadow"?
EDDIE
Dewy meadow.
Frank and Estelle are in their kitchen.
ESTELLE
Here's your omelet.
FRANK
It's dry.
ESTELLE
That's the way I always make it.
FRANK
Well it sucks.
ESTELLE
What did you say?
FRANK
Your meatloaf is mushy, your salmon
croquettes are oily and your
eggplant parmesan is a disgrace to this house!
ESTELLE
Well that's too bad, because I'm the
only one who cooks around here!
FRANK
Not any more! Gimme that spatula! I'm
back, baby!
George and Abby are at George's office.
ABBY
And you're sure with your busy schedule
you'd have time to take on a
protégé?
GEORGE
I'll make time, because Abby, I was
once like you; wide-eyed, naive, I
didn't know the first thing about a subject as fundamental as
risk management.
ABBY
I'm not familiar with that, you'll have
to explain it to me.
GEORGE
I'll tell you what, why don't you read
this book and let's just see if
you can explain it to me.
ABBY
Alright.
GEORGE
Okay.
Jerry runs into Banya on a street corner.
BANYA
Hey Jerry.
JERRY
Oh, hey Banya.
BANYA
Didja hear what happened? The mentor
saw my act. She dumped me.
JERRY
Oh, that's too bad.
BANYA
Maybe she's right. Maybe I am a complete
hack. I'm the absolute worst.
The worst, Jerry.
JERRY
Well it's just that you got so many
things with the milk. You got that
Bosco bit then you got your Nestlé's Quik bit, by the time you
get to Ovaltine--
BANYA
You think you can give me a hand with
my material?
Frank is knocking on Kramer's door.
KRAMER
Hey.
FRANK
You still need a cook?
KRAMER
Oh yeah, come on in, Frank.
FRANK
Ya got T-Fal?
KRAMER
Keflon.
FRANK
No! Follow me.
Jerry is reviewing material with Banya.
BANYA
Why do they call it Ovaltine? The mug
is round. The jar is
round. They should call it round tine. That's gold, Jerry! Gold!
Elaine is reviewing copy with Eddie.
ELAINE
Let's just replace "hail of shrapnel"
and "scar tissue" with "string of
pearls" and "raspberry scones".
Jerry and Abby are at Jerry's apartment.
JERRY
George Costanza is your mentor?
ABBY
Yeah, he's great! I am learning so much.
Abby places her risk management folder on the table.
JERRY
About what? How to calculate five percent
of a restaurant check?
ABBY
You know what your problem is? You just
have no respect for the
mentor/mentor relationship.
JERRY
As a matter of fact, I happen to have
a protégé of my own.
Jerry places his Banya folder on the table.
ABBY
Who?
JERRY
A Mister Kenneth Banya.
ABBY
Banya?
JERRY
I'm gonna mentor this kid to the top.
ABBY
Huh, well, I don't think I want to date
a mentor whose protégé is a hack.
Abby picks up a folder and puts it in her bag.
JERRY
Well, I don't think I want to date a
protégé whose mentor is a Costanza.
Elaine and Eddie are sharing chocolate shakes at the coffee shop.
ELAINE
I don't know how we did it, but there's
some kind of chemistry between
us, we turned out one hell of a catalog.
EDDIE
Cool.
ELAINE
Hey Ed, let me ask you something. What's
with the fatigues and all the
psychotic imagery? Huh?
EDDIE
I don't want to talk about it.
ELAINE
Come on, don't be a baby.
EDDIE
I went out on a couple of dates with
this woman, I thought she really
liked me, and then things kind of cooled off.
ELAINE
That's it?
EDDIE
Well it's tough meeting somebody you
like, let alone somebody Jewish.
"Jewish Singles Night".
ELAINE
Mm. This food is fantastic.
JERRY
Have you tried the hamentashen?
ELAINE
I can't get off the kishkas.
BANYA
Hey Jerry!
JERRY
Banya?
BANYA
I just stopped by to thank you. That
risk management stuff you wrote
for me? It's killer!
JERRY
Risk management?
BANYA
Aw, it's gold, Jerry! Gold! I got all
these corporate gigs and even
Cynthia took me back.
Cut to a woman talking with Eddie Sherman.
WOMAN
So you went from the mailroom to the
director of corporate development
in two days?
EDDIE
That's right.
WOMAN
How much are they paying you? I'll double
it.
Cut to Kramer and Frank behind a table loaded with 'Jewish delicacies'.
KRAMER
Ya know these latkes are going like
hotcakes.
FRANK
Where's the powdered sugar?
KRAMER
You know Frank, you could take a break.
FRANK
No breaks. I fell reborn, I'm like a
Phoenix rising from Arizona.
Cut to Eddie breaking the news to Elaine.
ELAINE
You're quitting?
EDDIE
I can't churn out that pointless drivel
any more.
ELAINE
Well, you can't quit, you're all I've
got. I need you!
Elaine grabs Eddie by the lapels and shakes him, Eddie chokes
on a piece of
bread. Frank sees this and flashes back to Korea. He runs around
the room
knocking plates to the floor and when Kramer tries to stop him,
he heads to the
loaded down table and starts to tip it over. The scene ends in
mid-tip.
George is prepared to give his speech at the Yankees meeting.
VOICE
Our next speaker is George Costanza
on the subject of risk management.
George steps up and opens his folder.
GEORGE
Ovaltine. Have you ever had this stuff?
Why is it called Ovaltine?
George flips through a few pages.
GEORGE
They should call it round tine. You
know what I'm talking about.
WILHELM
He's my protégé.
FRANK
Noooo!!! Don't eat it! No good!
THE END
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