THE FRIARS CLUB
Written by
David Mandel
(Comedy club)
JERRY
The other thing I love is when you're
in the middle of a dream, and the alarm
goes off. You incorporate the sound
of the alarm into the dream, so you
can keep sleeping. And you'll make any
adjustment in the dream to do it. I
was with Marie Antoinette in a dream
last night, and she was on the guillotine,
the blade came down, her head fell into
the basket, it rolled over and she started
singing Neil Diamond's 'Solitary Man'.
And, I thought, "That is not my alarm
going off. This is actually happening."
(Street, New York)
An elated George leaps around the corner, kicking a cab's door
closed and
clapping his hands together.
GEORGE
(joyful) June. It's June.
George begins trotting down the street. He acknowledges a passerby
and
high-fives him.
GEORGE
(high-fiving) Hey!
George continues his joyful path along the sidewalk, with his
hands raised
above his head in celebration.
GEORGE
It's June.
George takes the hand of a female passerby and dances a few steps
with her,
twirling her round.
GEORGE
June, June, June.
Releasing the woman, George euphorically prances along, laughing
and smiling.
GEORGE
(to passerby) Hey, he-hah. It's June,
June.
George leaps onto the footing of a streetlight and spins on it,
in
time-honoured musical fashion.
GEORGE
It's Juu-uu-une! Hey hay. Yes.
George leaps from the streetlight onto the road, where he spreads
his arms
and spins.
GEORGE
I love Juu-uuu-uu-uune!
A car brakes behind George and sounds its horn. George flinches,
and jigs
nervously out from in front of the automobile and back to the
pavement.
(Jerry's Apartment)
George pushes open the door and enters, still ebullient. He punches
the air
as he looks to Jerry.
GEORGE
June. Juune, baby!
JERRY
What?
GEORGE
The catering hall screwed up. The wedding
is delayed until June. It's
like a stay of execution.
JERRY
Dead man walking.
GEORGE
(pointing to Jerry in joyous agreement)
Ha-ha-hah. This is my lucky
day.
JERRY
Well, one outta twenty thousand. That's
not bad.
GEORGE
Yeah. Hey, wait a second, you know,
good news for you too. Susan's
best friend, Hallie? Broke up with her boyfriend.
JERRY
She did?
GEORGE
Yeah.
JERRY
So? Wheels?
GEORGE
In motion. The wheels are in motion.
JERRY
Beautiful.
GEORGE
Aah, hey. (enthusiastic) If this works
out, forget about it.
Vacations together, movies together, dinner together. It..it's
almost as good
as if I didn't get married.
JERRY
So, set it up. You know what, we could
have dinner at the Friars Club.
GEORGE
The Friars Club?
JERRY
Yeah, I'm thinking of joining. Pat Cooper
said he would put me up for
membership.
Kramer opens the door and leans in.
KRAMER
Hey everybody. (to Jerry) Listen, uh,
do me a favour, will you? I got
a hot date tonight with Connie. Knock on my door, wake me up
in twenty
minutes, alright?
JERRY
Catnap?
KRAMER
No, no, no, no. (comes in) This is evolutionary.
I been reading this
book, on Leonardo de Vinci. See, that means 'from Vinci', d'you
know that?
JERRY
(deadpan) That must be some book.
KRAMER
Yeah, well, turns out that the master
slept only twenty minutes every
three hours. Now, that works out to two and a half extra days,
that I'm awake
per week, every week. Which means, if I live to be eighty, I
will have lived
the equivalent of a hundred and five years.
JERRY
Just imagine how much more you'll accomplish.
KRAMER
Oh, I got a lot of things in the hopper,
buddy.
Kramer heads for the door.
JERRY
I didn't know you had a hopper.
KRAMER
(smiling) Oh, I got a hopper. A big
hopper.
Kramer exits, closing the door behind him.
(Conference Room, J. Peterman)
A number of executives are seated round a table, with J Peterman
at the head
of the table.
PETERMAN
Alright, people, I'd like to begin with
a hearty hail and well-met
good fellow, to Bob Grossberg, who's joining us from Business
Affairs.
Peterman indicates a guy sitting next to Elaine. The other executives
give
Bob some quiet applause, which he acknowledges with a slight
wave.
BOB
Thanks. Hi everybody.
PETERMAN
Bob, we have a little baptism by fire
for you, so to speak.
Elaine leans over to the guy sitting on the other side of her
from Bob.
ELAINE
(whispers) Poor bastard.
PETERMAN
(to Bob) I want you to handle all the
fact-checking and the
copy-editing for the new catalogue.
Bob looks blank and fiddles with something behind his ear.
BOB
Ah, could you repeat that?
PETERMAN
(slower and louder) Why don't you handle
all the copy-editing?
Bob pulls a face and points to indicate all is not well with
his hearing.
BOB
(apologetic) I..I'm sorry. What?
PETERMAN
(louder still) Copy-editing!
Peterman sees he's not getting through to Bob, and gives up.
PETERMAN
Eh, never mind. (turns to Elaine) Elaine,
you do it.
Elaine does a double-take at hearing this, looking dismayed.
Bob has a
hearing aid out of his ear and manipulates it before slipping
it back in.
(Friars Club Lobby)
Jerry, George, Susan, and Hallie stand before the maitre d' of
the rather
fancy Friars Club. Jerry has no jacket
JERRY
Hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld. Pat Cooper made
a reservation for me.
MAITRE D'
Yes, Mr Seinfeld, but uhm, all gentlemen
are required to wear
jackets in the dining room.
JERRY
(downcast) Oh, I'm sorry.
HALLIE
(smiling) How embarrassing this must
be for you.
JERRY
(jocular) You just bought your own dinner.
George, Susan and Hallie laugh at his little joke.
MAITRE D'
No problem. Please, follow me.
The maitre d' strides away, Jerry follows.
JERRY
(passing Hallie) 'Scuse me.
GEORGE
(smiling) Ho ho. Funny. Isn't he funny?
Funny guy. Ha ha ha.
A couple of people walk by, George raises a hand in greeting.
GEORGE
Friars.
Jerry returns, wearing a blazer, with a crest on the breast pocket.
JERRY
Hey, not bad. (pointing to crest) I
kinda like this little thing here.
George, Susan and Hallie, all make positive noises and comments.
The maitre
d' comes up behind Jerry and motions them to enter.
MAITRE D'
This way please.
GEORGE
Hup, here we go. Here we go.
The four of them walk on into the restaurant, with George bringing
up the
rear.
(Friars Club Restaurant)
Jerry, George, Susan and Hallie, sit round a table, eating. They're
engage in
at least two separate conversations - Jerry with George and Susan
with
Hallie.
GEORGE
(adamant) Ah, c'mon! I'm telling you,
I can coach for the NFL. It's
not that hard
Jerry looks scornfully at George.
SUSAN
(to Hallie) Mmm, mm, mm. Hallie (points
to her plate) taste this fish.
It's really delicious.
Hallie spears a morsel from Susan's plate and eats it.
JERRY
(to George) That might be the stupidest
thing you've ever said.
GEORGE
(to Jerry) Oh, get outta here.
JERRY
(to George) I mean, come on. (a thought
occurs) No, the stupidest
thing you ever said was when you said Steve Kroft from Sixty
Minutes is the
same guy from *Seals and Croft*.
HALLIE
(to Susan) Mmm, it is good.
SUSAN
(to Hallie) What do you think about
having fish for the wedding?
GEORGE
(to Jerry) You watch the old videos.
(insistent) I'm telling you,
look at him.
HALLIE
(to Susan) Oh. Remember (indistinct)
wedding?
JERRY
Oh, come on.
GEORGE
Look...
JERRY
Alright.
The four continue chatting happily.
(Jerry's Apartment)
Kramer is asleep on Jerry's couch. Jerry enters, wearing a long
coat.
JERRY
(looking at Kramer) This is nice.
Jerry slams the door and Kramer jerks awake.
KRAMER
Yeah, morning.
JERRY
Morning?
Jerry removes his coat, to reveal he's wearing the crested jacket
from the
Friars Club.
KRAMER
Yeah, what time is it?
JERRY
(looks at watch) Ten-thirty.
KRAMER
(pleased) Ah, see. (rubs his hands together)
I got the whole night
ahead of me. (looks at Jerry) Boy, that's a nice jacket, huh?
Kramer passes Jerry on his way to the kitchen. Jerry looks downwards
at his
attire.
JERRY
(realising) Ohh, I don't believe this.
I forgot to give it back. It
belongs to the Friars Club.
Kramer has a bowl on the counter and fetches a box of cereal.
KRAMER
Yeah, I like that crest. (he shakes
cereal into the bowl) Alright,
here we go.
JERRY
Breakfast?
KRAMER
(pouring cereal) Oh yeah. Most important
meal of the day.
JERRY
So this Da Vinci sleep is working out?
KRAMER
(enthusiastic) Oh, I'm percolating,
Jerry. I'm telling you, I have
never felt so fertile. I'm mossy, Jerry. My brain is mossy. Listen
to this
idea. (fetches a spoon from the drawer) A restaurant that serves
only peanut
butter and jelly. (clicks tongue)
JERRY
What d'you call it?
KRAMER
P B and J's. What d'you think?
JERRY
(deadpan) I think you need more sleep.
KRAMER
(dismissive) Ahh.
Kramer picks up his bowl of cereal and heads for the door.
JERRY
So, how'd your date work out with the
mysterious Connie?
Kramer stops, with the door open, and turns back to Jerry.
KRAMER
I am telling you, this woman is strange.
She never wants to leave the
apartment. It's almost like she doesn't wanna be seen with me.
JERRY
Oh, now you're being ridiculous.
KRAMER
(laughing) He he, yeah.
Kramer begins to exit.
JERRY
(indicates the bowl of cereal) No milk?
KRAMER
Oh, I'll be back.
Kramer leaves and closes the door behind him.
(Elaine's Office, J. Peterman)
It's late at night, and her's is the only light on in the building.
Elaine
sits at a computer, typing away at the keyboard. She's surrounded
by piles of
paperwork, which she rummages through. She sighs, frustrated
at being saddled
with all this work.
(Jerry's Apartment)
It's night, and Jerry lies in bed asleep. Kramer enters the room
quietly and
sits on the edge of Jerry's bed.
KRAMER
(quietly) Jerry.
Jerry stirs slightly, but doesn't wake up.
KRAMER
(quietly) Hey Jerry.
Jerry still doesn't wake.
KRAMER
(prodding Jerry) C'mon buddy.
Jerry snaps awake, sitting up and recoiling from the figure on
his bed.
JERRY
(startled) Kramer!
KRAMER
You awake?
JERRY
(confused) Wha..? What time is it?
KRAMER
W...It's four.
JERRY
(aghast) Four in the morning?!
KRAMER
Yeah.
JERRY
Well, what's wrong with you?
KRAMER
I'm bored. I got all this free time
on my hands, I dunno what to do.
You wanna do something?
JERRY
No. Would you just get out?
KRAMER
You wanna rent a movie?
JERRY
No!
KRAMER
Well, what am I gonna do?
(Elaine's Office, J. Peterman)
Jerry walks over to Elaine, who is working at her computer. She
has a
sandwich and a diet soda on her desk.
JERRY
Ready for lunch?
ELAINE
(irked) I'm stuck here, editing the
stupid catalogue, because of
stupid Bob Grossberg.
Jerry pulls a face, helps himself to a sandwich and sits down,
as Elaine
turns to him.
ELAINE
Listen, there is something really suspicious
about this guy. Every
time Mr Peterman tries to assign him any work, he says he can't
hear, and it
all gets dumped on me.
JERRY
You think he's faking?
ELAINE
I don't know. But I'd like to try that
earpiece on, see if it's real.
Bob leans around the open door to speak.
BOB
Hey Elaine. (he spots Jerry) Oh, you
have a friend.
Jerry waves a finger in greeting.
BOB
(to Elaine) Just wanted to say hi.
Bob makes to depart, but stops as Elaine speaks.
ELAINE
Bob, you know what? I'm kinda swamped
here. You think you could give
me a hand with some of the catalogue?
BOB
(cupping his hand behind his ear) I..I'm
sorry. What?
Elaine leans toward Bob.
ELAINE
(slower and louder) I'm kind of swamped.
Bob smiles, and holds his tie, as if he's been complimented on
it.
BOB
Thank you. I'm having lunch with Mr
P. I better get going.
Bob smiles, gives Elaine a wink and leaves.
ELAINE
Did you see that? Did you see that,
Jerry?
JERRY
That was him?
ELAINE
Yes.
JERRY
Somehow I thought he'd be taller.
ELAINE
Alright, listen, we'll have to do this
again some other time, okay? I
got a lotta work to do.
JERRY
(standing) Alright, I'll see you later.
Elaine turns back to her computer. Jerry heads out the door.
ELAINE
Alright.
(Peterman Bathroom)
Bob stands at the urinal. Jerry opens the door and enters the
room. He sees
Bob, and wonders about something. Jerry slowly crosses the room
until he's
standing about three feet behind Bob.
JERRY
Hey, Bob.
Bob continues to use the urinal, without reaction.
JERRY
Bob.
Still no reaction.
JERRY
Hey, Bobby, over here.
Bob continues his necessary business.
JERRY
Bob. Oh, Bob.
Still nothing.
JERRY
(louder) Bob!
Bob finishes what he has to do, and half-turns to find Jerry
behind him.
Jerry feigns innocence, Bob completes his zipping up whilst faced
away from
Jerry.
BOB
Hi.
Jerry and Bob give embarrassed acknowledgement smiles.
(Elaine's Office, J. Peterman)
Elaine types away at her computer. Jerry enters.
JERRY
(urgent whisper) Elaine.
Jerry closes the door behind him.
ELAINE
(makes an irked noise)
JERRY
I was just in the bathroom.
ELAINE
(really doesn't want to know) Okay,
Jerry, please, please. I'm really
busy here.
JERRY
No, no, no. I was just in the bathroom
with that Bob guy.
ELAINE
So what?
JERRY
No, I kinda tried to test his hearing.
Elaine stands and slaps Jerry on the chest with a bundle of papers.
ELAINE
Get out! What'd you do?
JERRY
Well, I kinda snuck up behind him at
the urinal and tried to see if he
could hear me.
ELAINE
(hopeful) And?
JERRY
Well, he flinched, sort of.
ELAINE
What d'you mean, sort of? What'd he
do?
JERRY
Well, he kinda moved his head, you know.
It mighta been on the zip up,
I dunno.
ELAINE
So you don't know anything?
JERRY
Actually, no.
ELAINE
(sarcasm) Alright, good job.
JERRY
Right.
Elaine goes back to work. Jerry leaves.
(Jerry's Apartment)
Jerry sits, reading a paper, at the table. There is a knock at
the door.
JERRY
Come in.
The door slowly opens wide enough for George to lean into the
room. He's
smiling, looks at Jerry and raises his eyebrows quizzically.
Jerry smiles
back.
GEORGE
(entering) Last night, huh? Was that
something, or was that
something?
JERRY
That was something.
GEORGE
Ah. She's great, isn't she?
JERRY
(positive) Fantastic. Fantastic woman.
GEORGE
I told you.
JERRY
I'm nuts about her.
GEORGE
You think she could be an 'it'? Could
she be an 'it'?
JERRY
She could be an 'it'.
GEORGE
(claps hands triumphantly) We might
have an 'it'!
JERRY
She's got 'it' written all over her.
GEORGE
She's got everything, right? (counts
on his fingers) She's
intelligent, she's smart, she's got a great sense of humour.
JERRY
Well, I dunno. I didn't really talk
to her.
GEORGE
Well, she's smart. You take my word
for it.
JERRY
Whatever.
GEORGE
(gleeful) Hehee. W..we could be like
the Gatsbys. Didn't they always
like, you know, a bunch of people around, and they were all best
friends?
JERRY
That doesn't sound right.
GEORGE
No. So, tonight she's got tickets for
that show she's been working
on. The Flying Sandos Brother.
JERRY
Flying Sandos. Beautiful.
GEORGE
Great. Seven-thirty, alright?
JERRY
Walk me down to the Friars.
Jerry goes into the bedroom.
GEORGE
Sure. So, uh, Jerry, there's an empty
apartment in my building. If
you and Hallie want, we could try and hold it, may...
Jerry reenters looking confused.
JERRY
It's not here.
GEORGE
What?
JERRY
Th..the jacket, it's not here. It's
gotta be here somewhere.
Kramer enters, rubbing his eyes.
KRAMER
Oh, boy.
Jerry is looking around for the jacket, lifting cushions, etc.
JERRY
(to Kramer) Thanks for that four a.m.
wakeup call last night.
(frustrated) Where the hell is that jacket?
KRAMER
Oh, the one with the crest.
JERRY
Yeah.
JERRY
Oh, well, that's at the cleaners.
JERRY
The cleaners? How did it get there?
KRAMER
Well, I, uh, I borrowed it last night
and it got a little dirty.
JERRY
(irritated) Great.
KRAMER
(laughing to himself) Somehow I dozed
off and woke up in a pile of
garbage.
JERRY
Somehow? You've had an hour and twenty
minutes sleep in three days!
KRAMER
Well, so, look, the cleaner said you
could pick it up tonight at six.
JERRY
Alright. I just hope I can get it to
the Friars Club before the show.
GEORGE
Won't be a problem...(mumbles)
Kramer has closed his eyes and fallen asleep while leaning on
the counter in
Jerry's kitchen.
JERRY
(to Kramer) Hey.
Kramer does not respond.
JERRY
(louder) Hey!!
Kramer snaps awake with a jerk.
KRAMER
Watch out, boy.
(Bob's Office, J. Peterman)
Bob is working at his desk, with his back to the door. Elaine
arrives and
stands in the doorway.
ELAINE
Can you give us a hand with some of
these boxes, Bob?
Bob continues to muse over some of the work in front of him,
giving no sign
of knowing Elaine is there.
ELAINE
Bob!
Bob still doesn't react to Elaine. Elaine takes a couple of steps
into Bob's
office, and decides to try a different tactic.
ELAINE
(sexily) I want you so bad, Bob. You
turn me on...
As Elaine speaks, Peterman walks past the open door. Hearing
Elaine's voice,
his attention is caught. He stops to listen.
ELAINE
...so much. You're so damn...sexy.
Peterman watches and listens, surprised.
ELAINE
(sexy) Ohh. I'm starting to unbutton.
Peterman decides he should withdraw, and he leaves.
ELAINE
(dropping the sexy voice) Anything getting
through? Bob?
Bob continues to be oblivious to Elaine. Elaine pulls a pensive
face and
leaves.
(Theatre)
George, Susan and Hallie sit in a box overlooking the stage (just
like the
two guys in the Muppets). There's an empty seat beside Hallie.
George is
making small talk.
HALLIE
Well, they perform all over. Europe
mostly.
GEORGE
A-ha, huh. (mumbles) tours.
HALLIE
Yeah.
Jerry arrives, wearing the crested jacket.
JERRY
Sorry, sorry I'm late.
GEORGE/SUSAN
Hey!
SUSAN
Jerry.
GEORGE
Isn't that the uh, Friars Club jacket?
Jerry takes the vacant seat.
JERRY
Yeah, it wasn't ready on time. I have
to return it after the show.
GEORGE
Sure, sure, sure, sure. (patting Jerry
on the shoulders) How about
these seats? Are these fantastic, huh? Huh? I feel like Lincoln.
JERRY
Yeah. Well, let's hope this evening
turns out a little better.
Lively music begins and the Flying Sandos Brothers bound onto
the stage to
applause from the auditorium. Jerry and his friends all join
in.
(Kramer's Apartment)
Kramer sits on his couch with Connie, who is playfully toying
with the collar
on his shirt.
KRAMER
So, uhm, are you sure you don't wanna
go to the movies?
CONNIE
Mmm, no, Cosmo. I like just being here
with you.
KRAMER
Oh, it's uh, it's a bold adventure.
Connie leans in and begins to kiss Kramer's neck.
KRAMER
Ooh. Well, this is uh, risky business,
huh? I'm all a-twitter.
(Theatre)
The Sandos Brothers are on stage performing a juggling act with
glasses,
trays and bottle. It ends with them pouring drinks and toasting
the audience.
The audience applaud appreciatively.
The Sandos Brothers launch into the next part of their act. One
brother
climbs onto the shoulders of another and is carried to the edge
of the stage,
where he climbs from the shoulders into the box containing Jerry,
George,
Susan and Hallie. The audience applaud.
SANDOS BROTHER 1
How would you kind people like to lend
a hand with our next
trick?
JERRY
(smiling) I don't think so.
SANDOS BROTHER 1
Please, take off your jacket.
JERRY
My jacket?
SANDOS BROTHER 1
Yes, the jacket. (turns to the crowd)
What do you say,
ladies and gentlemen?
The rest of the audience cheer and clap.
SANDOS BROTHER 1
(to Jerry) Can't argue with that.
HALLIE
C'mon.
SUSAN
Do it. Come on, Jerry.
GEORGE
Give him the jacket.
JERRY
(giving in) Alright.
Jerry shrugs out of the jacket, to the applause of friends and
audience. He
hands it to the Sandos Brother.
SANDOS BROTHER 1
And now, we say the magic word. (gestures
with his hand)
Agrabah! And we make it disappear.
As he finishes his speech, he tosses the jacket out of the box
and into the
audience. The audience clap, as do George, Susan and Hallie.
Jerry peers over
the edge of the box, after the jacket.
(Kramer's Apartment)
Connie lies on the couch, underneath Kramer. She strokes the
side of his head
with her fingers.
CONNIE
(passionate) Oh Cosmo. Mm-mmm, Cosmo.
Oh Cosmo.
Kramer is oddly unresponsive.
CONNIE
(uncomfortable) Uh, honey, can you move
a little, this hurts.
Kramer makes no reply.
CONNIE
(worried) Cosmo?
Connie pushes at Kramer to try and move him.
CONNIE
(panicky) Oh my god. Cosmo, wake up!
Connie heaves harder at Kramer, but he's still not moving or
replying.
CONNIE
Cosmo?
Connie lifts Kramer's head and looks at his face, which is completely
slack
and expressionless.
CONNIE
(horrified) Oh my god! He's dead! He's
dead.
Panicky, Connie tries again to lift Kramer enough to get out,
but is unable
to move his inert bulk. She reaches across to the table and grabs
the handset
of the phone. Quickly, she dials a number and puts the phone
to her ear.
CONNIE
(into phone) Yeah, Tommy, this is Connie.
You gotta help me. Some guy
dropped dead on top of me. (listens) I can't call the cops, 'cos
Joey might
find out. (listens) I can't. I'm stuck. You gotta help me.
(Theatre, Backstage)
Jerry leads George and the girls up to a door marked 'Dressing
Room 3'.
GEORGE
This is very exciting. The inner sanctum.
Jerry knocks on the door. It's opened after a second, by one
of the Sandos
Brothers who looks at Jerry, questioningly.
JERRY
Hi. I..I was in the audience earlier.
You threw my jacket down. I just
wanted to pick it up.
SANDOS BROTHER 2
Jacket? What jacket?
JERRY
(explaining) I had a jacket with a crest
on it. You came into the
audience, you threw it away. Agrabah.
SANDOS BROTHER 2
A..are you sure it was me?
JERRY
Well, it was either you or one of your
brothers.
Jerry looks past to where another couple of Sandos Brother are
still
changing.
SANDOS BROTHER 2
Well, two of them have left already.
The Sandos Brother at the door turns to the other two an rattles
off a
question in some foreign language. The other two speak to each
other and
reply to the question, also in a foreign tongue, but clearly
they don't know
anything.
SANDOS BROTHER 2
(shaking his head apologetically) No.
JERRY
It doesn't even belong to me. It belongs
to the Friars Club.
SANDOS BROTHER 2
Sorry.
The Sandos Brother closes the door, smiling.
HALLIE
Jerry, I'm sure it'll turn up.
JERRY
(cynical) I'm sure it won't.
HALLIE
Don't worry. I'll get the jacket back.
GEORGE
(cheerful) Alright, there you go. She's
gonna get the jacket back.
(claps hands) So, let's go get some coffee, huh?
JERRY
(downcast) No, I'm a little tired. I
think I'll go home.
SUSAN
Aww, that's too bad.
GEORGE
Really?
JERRY
Yeah, we'll do it another time.
SUSAN
(bright) George, we'll go.
George doesn't look like the prospect of coffee alone with Susan
is something
he relishes.
(Monk's)
George and Susan sit either side of a table, with coffee. There's
a definite
lack of sparkling conversation. George forces a smile at Susan.
There's a
long pause, broken only by Susan sighing. George finally thinks
of something
to say.
GEORGE
I, uh, oh, broke a shoelace today.
SUSAN
Oh, I can get you shoelaces tomorrow.
GEORGE
Okay.
SUSAN
So, what colour?
GEORGE
Brown.
Susan nods her comprehension, as George muses for a moment.
GEORGE
Maybe a black.
SUSAN
Mmm.
The waitress walks by the table with the coffee pot.
WAITRESS
More coffee?
GEORGE
(urgent) No! Check! (quieter) Please.
The waitress pulls the check from her pocket and puts it on the
table for
George.
(Hallway Outside Jerry's Apartment)
As Jerry walks up to his door, Kramer's door opens and two guys
emerge
carrying a large body-shaped object wrapped in fabric. They carry
it away
down the hall.
JERRY
(looking after the guys) That nut is
always up to something.
Jerry shakes his head at Kramer's antics as he enters his apartment.
(A Lonely Stretch Of Road On The Banks Of The Hudson)
It is night. A large black car squeals to a stop beside the river.
The two
guys we just saw leave Kramer's apartment climb out of the car.
They open the
trunk and haul out the wrapped object they were carrying. They
lug it to the
rail at the edge of the road, and heave it over the edge. It
splashes into
the river and begins to sink. The two guys quickly close the
trunk of the car
and climb back in.
(Beneath The Hudson River)
The object sinks down into the water. Suddenly, the contents
begin to squirm
and jump. The outline of a human body can be seen within the
fabric. The top
of the wrappings opens and Kramer emerges. He looks around, wide-eyed,
and
would scream with shock, were he not underwater. He kicks his
legs and swims
toward the surface.
(The Hudson River)
Kramer breaks the surface with a splutter. He looks round, panicky
and
confused.
KRAMER
HEY!! Sh..! Shii! MAMA!!
Kramer looks to one side, where he sees a large ferry bearing
down on him. He
turns and begins swimming away from the vessel.
KRAMER
AAH! AAGH!
(Elaine's Office, J. Peterman)
Elaine is working away, when Peterman enters behind her. He's
carrying a
couple of bits of card.
PETERMAN
Elaine. I think I've been working you
a little too hard, lately.
Peterman sits on the edge of Elaine's desk.
ELAINE
(shrugging it off) Oh.
PETERMAN
So, I have two tickets for you (holds
up the bits of card) to the
Flying Sandos Brothers magic show.
ELAINE
(pleased) Ah.
PETERMAN
It is a real hoot.
ELAINE
(delighted) Well, thank you Mr Peterman.
PETERMAN
Ah, the tickets are for tonight. So
you and Bob can knock off a
little early, so you both can get ready.
Elaine looks confused. Peterman begins to leave.
ELAINE
Mr Peterman, you...
PETERMAN
(interrupting) There's no need to deny
it, Elaine. I heard every
word you said.
Elaine realises what Peterman overheard.
PETERMAN
And I know you wouldn't be just having
fun with his handicap.
(staring away) That kind of cruelty would be grounds for dismissal.
ELAINE
(resigned) Of course, Mr Peterman.
(Jerry's Apartment)
Jerry is on the phone, as George enters.
JERRY
(into phone) Tell 'em I'll come down
and talk to 'em. Okay, bye. (to
George) Well, that was the Friars Club. D'you think they're gonna
let a
jacket-stealer join? I don't think so! They're gonna charge me
eight hundred
dollars for the jacket, and I gotta deal with Pat Cooper!
Jerry stalks about as George sits on the couch.
JERRY
(worked up) Wh..what kinda show is that
Sandos Brothers? They take
your jacket, then they just throw it? I never heard of that!
GEORGE
It's a little unusual. So, uh, Susan
and I were thinking, uh, dinner
at our house Saturday night. Just the four of us.
JERRY
(unenthusiastic) Uhh, I don't think
so.
GEORGE
(worried) Why not?
JERRY
(impassive) Ah, I'm a little turned
off.
GEORGE
(standing) C'mon, what're you talking
about?
JERRY
Ahh, I'm, I'm kinda soured.
GEORGE
You're soured?
JERRY
Yeah, I'm soured.
GEORGE
Don't be soured.
JERRY
I'm sorry. I'm soured.
GEORGE
(animated) What're you kidding me? We
were all getting along so well.
Where is all this coming from?
JERRY
Well, you know, frankly, I don't think
she was too concerned about my
jacket.
GEORGE
(animated) What're you talking about?!
She's very concerned! She said
she was gonna get it back.
JERRY
(indifferent) Yeah, we'll see.
GEORGE
(worked up) Because if she gets it back,
then you'll have no reason
to be sour. You'll de-sour, right?
JERRY
I'll try and de-sour.
GEORGE
(aggravated) Oh, that's not good enough!
You don't try and de-sour.
You have to sweeten too!
JERRY
(sharp) I'll try! I'll try and de-sour
and sweeten.
GEORGE
I wanna get it back when we were the
Gatsbys.
JERRY
I still don't know what that means.
GEORGE
(neither does he) Yeah, well.
The door opens and Kramer enters, fully dressed but soaked to
the skin.
KRAMER
God.
JERRY
(astonished) Oh god! What happened to
you?!
KRAMER
(animated) She tried to kill me Jerry!
JERRY
Who?
KRAMER
(shouts) Connie!
JERRY
What'd she do?
KRAMER
I don't know! (building to a shout)
But I woke up in the Hudson river
in a SACK!! I think she drugged me, but she's a murderer and
I'm calling the
cops.
JERRY
(bewildered) Why would she try and kill
you?
KRAMER
(animated) Well, isn't it obvious? She
doesn't want anybody else to
have me!
Kramer moves to leave, but walks into the door with a loud thud.
KRAMER
(to door) Gah!
Kramer stomps away to his own apartment.
(Friars Club Lobby)
Jerry and George stand where they dealt with the maitre d' on
their previous
visit. As they wait, they're people-watching.
JERRY
Hey, there's uncle Milty.
GEORGE
(pleased) Yeah, it is.
JERRY
(pointing) And there's David Steinberg.
GEORGE
The comedian, or the manager?
JERRY
The manager.
George looks unimpressed. Pat Cooper comes walking toward Jerry
and George.
JERRY
(to George) Hey, there's Pat. (calls)
Hey, Pat.
PAT
Hey, Jerry. What the hell went wrong?
What's the matter with you? Are
you a kleptomaniac, or what?
JERRY
I forgot to take it off.
PAT
(dubious) You forgot to take it off?
Oh, you go into a department store,
you put a suit on, and you walk right out. What are you some
sort of an
idiot?
JERRY
I'm sorry.
PAT
Where's the jacket?
JERRY
Well, one of the gypsies took it.
PAT
(skeptical) Aww, the gypsies took it!
Of course, New York has a lot of
gypsies! Oh, on every block there's a gypsy!
GEORGE
(meekly) Well, it's true. I saw it.
PAT
(probing) Excuse me, are you an entertainer?
Are you in showbusiness?
GEORGE
No, I uh...
PAT
(interrupting) Then what am I talking
to you for? (to Jerry) Jerry,
bring the jacket back tomorrow.
JERRY
Alright.
Pat Cooper walks away from the guys. Jerry motions for George
to leave with
him. George looks round and sees something.
GEORGE
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Over at one of the tables, the Sandos Brother who took Jerry's
jacket is
entertaining some other guests. He's wearing a familiar crested
jacket.
GEORGE
Look at that guy. Right there. Isn't
that the guy from the show?
He's..he's wearing the jacket.
JERRY
God, you're right.
GEORGE
(motioning Jerry to follow) C'mon.
Jerry and George walk into the Friars Club, but within a couple
of strides
they are faced with the maitre d'.
MAITRE D'
Wait a second! Excuse me gentlemen,
are you members?
JERRY
Well, I'm a prospective member.
MAITRE D'
Until then, (pointing) that's the way
out.
JERRY
But that guy has my jacket.
MAITRE D'
C'mon, let's go.
The maitre d' shepherds Jerry and George out of the door, despite
their
continuing protests.
GEORGE
Excuse me, the guy is wearing a jacket
that my friend is...
MAITRE D'
Come on.
JERRY
Come on.
MAITRE D'
Let's go.
GEORGE
If I could talk to the guy for just
a sec...
Jerry and George are ejected from the Friars Club.
(Theatre)
Elaine and Bob sit in the same box used by Jerry, George, Susan
and Hallie.
Elaine looks distinctly unenthused at the prospect of spending
the evening
with Bob. Bob looks delighted to be ensconced with Elaine.
BOB
These seats are fantastic. It was really
nice of Mr Peterman to give us
these tickets.
ELAINE
(flat) Yeah, yeah. Was nice.
Bob slips one hand round the back of Elaine's seat and leans
slightly toward
her.
BOB
(smiling) Yeah. Got our own little private
box here, don't we?
Elaine looks at Bob, wondering what he's talking about. Bob dives
across at
Elaine, putting his arms round her and his face on her chest.
ELAINE
(pushing Bob away) Get offa me! Stop
it. Stop it.
Elaine succeeds in heaving Bob away from her. She looks at him,
angrily.
ELAINE
Get offa me!
Bob stands for a few seconds, with Elaine glaring at him. Then
he dives in
for another go. Elaine struggles with him again.
ELAINE
Get a hold of yourself, Bob! (throwing
Bob back between the seats)
Get a hold of yourself!
Bob slowly gets to his feet. Elaine glares at him, and Bob shamefacedly
shuffles away out of the box.
(Theatre, Backstage)
Jerry and George come round a corner in a dingy corridor at the
theatre.
JERRY
I dunno how that guy gave us the slip
at the Friars Club.
GEORGE
I told you, he probably went out the
back.
Along the corridor comes the Sandos Brother who took Jerry's
jacket. He has a
jacket slung over one shoulder. Jerry and George collide with
him.
JERRY
Ouf.
Jerry recognises the guy.
JERRY
Hey. It's you! (pointing) Th..that's
my Friars Club jacket!
SANDOS BROTHER 1
No, it is not. It is my jacket.
The Sandos Brother backs away from the advancing Jerry and George.
JERRY
(adamant) No, no, no. That's my jacket,
give it back.
SANDOS BROTHER 1
No, it is not. This is mine.
JERRY
C'mon I need it.
Jerry grabs hold of the jacket and begins a tug-of-war with it.
George joins
in, trying to release the grip of the Sandos Brother. The door
to 'Dressing
Room 3' opens and Hallie emerges and watches the struggle.
JERRY
(determined) I wanna join. I need it
to become a member.
GEORGE
Give 'im the jacket already!
Jerry and George succeed in taking the jacket. The Sandos Brother
runs away
down the corridor, shouting.
SANDOS BROTHER 1
(yelling) Help! Help! (foreign language)
Azobar! Azobar
disay!
GEORGE
What's he yelling about? They're stealing
jackets here!
JERRY
Can you believe it?!
Jerry looks at the jacket they took, and notices something.
JERRY
(examining) Hey George, you know what?
I think this crest is
different. It's got a moose on it.
GEORGE
Moose?
JERRY
Yeah. (subdued) I don't think this is
the jacket.
HALLIE
No, it's not.
Hallie reaches inside the door of Dressing Room 3 and pulls out
a jacket on a
hanger.
HALLIE
This is the jacket.
Jerry and George look mortified. Hallie brings the jacket over
to Jerry.
JERRY
Ohh, you got the jacket back.
GEORGE
Ohh, yeahh.
JERRY
(taking the jacket) Thank you.
HALLIE
It got a little dirty, so they wanted
to clean it before they gave it
back to you.
JERRY
Oh. (smiling) Oh, that's nice of 'em.
GEORGE
(smiling) That is really nice.
HALLIE
Yeah.
JERRY
Yeah.
HALLIE
Yeah.
JERRY
Yeah.
GEORGE
This is nice.
JERRY
Yeahh.
HALLIE
Yeah.
GEORGE
(forced buoyancy) Hey, you know, let's
call Susan, we'll go have
coffee.
HALLIE
(flat) I'll see you at the wedding.
Hallie walks away, leaving George's Gatsby ambitions in tatters.
(Theatre)
Elaine sits alone in the box. Something on the floor catches
her eye. It's
Bob's hearing-aid earpiece. Elaine picks it up, and it occurs
to her that she
has the opportunity she wanted. She wipes the earpiece on the
lapel of her
jacket and carefully slips it over her ear. Elaine cocks her
head on one
side, listening to see if it makes a difference.
(Theatre, Backstage)
Jerry and George walk along backstage. Jerry has his jacket,
and George is
carrying the Sandos Brother's jacket, looking sullen.
GEORGE
(moody) Great! Now she's sour!
JERRY
Maybe she'll sweeten.
GEORGE
(angry) She won't sweeten, and I'm bitter!
Behind Jerry and George, the Flying Sandos Brothers appear. They
look over
toward Jerry and George.
SANDOS BROTHER 1
(pointing) There they are!
The Sandos Brothers set off running after Jerry and George. George
hurriedly
puts the jacket down on a table, as he and Jerry begin to hasten.
GEORGE
Here. (panicky) We'll leave it here
for you!
Jerry and George run away, as the Sandos Brothers advance.
George is on the lead as he and Jerry reach a door marked 'Emergency
Exit.
Alarm will sound'. George pushes the door open and he and Jerry
dart through.
As they do, a loud alarm bell begins to ring.
(Theatre)
Elaine is sitting wearing the earpiece when the alarm sounds.
Obviously, the
earpiece works, as Elaine spasms in pain at the ringing. She
clutches her
hands to her ears and jerks off her seat, falling out of sight
onto the floor
of the box.
(Hallway, Apartment Building)
Kramer stands outside the door to an apartment, flanked by two
other guys.
One of the guys knocks at the door. After a few seconds, it is
opened by
Connie.
KRAMER
(pointing) That's her, officer.
CONNIE
(shocked) Kramer! Oh my god, I thought
you were...
KRAMER
(animated) What? Sleeping with the fishes?
I guess I woke up!
The detective shows his shield to Connie.
DETECTIVE
You're under arrest for the attempted
murder of Cosmo Kramer.
CONNIE
(defensive) I didn't do anything.
KRAMER
(sarcastic) Oh, yeah! Yeah!
DETECTIVE
Get your coat, we gotta take you in.
CONNIE
Can I call my lawyer?
DETECTIVE
Okay, go ahead.
Connie goes back into her apartment.
(Connie's Apartment/Lawyer's Office)
CONNIE
(on phone) You gotta meet me at the
police station. They're arresting me
for attempted murder.
On the phone in his office is Jackie Chiles.
JACKIE
Attempted murder? Of whom?
CONNIE
This guy, Kramer.
JACKIE
Oh. (hesitantly) Cosmo Kramer?
CONNIE
(surprised) Yeah, that's right.
JACKIE
(adamant) I don't want nothing to do
with it.
Jackie puts down his phone and looks glad to have escaped.
THE END
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