THE GLASSES
Written by
Tom Gammill & Max Pross
(nightclub)
JERRY
I never get enough sleep. I stay up
late at night, cause I'm Night Guy.
Night Guy wants to stay up late. 'What
about getting up after five hours sleep?',
oh that's Morning Guy's problem. That's
not my problem, I'm Night Guy. I stay
up as late as I want. So you get up
in the morning, you're ..... (?), you're
exhausted, groggy, oooh I hate that
Night Guy! See, Night Guy always screws
Morning Guy. There's nothing Morning
Guy can do. The only Morning Guy can
do is try and oversleep often enough
so that Day Guy looses his job and Night
Guy has no money to go out anymore.
(Jerry's apartment)
(Elaine and Jerry hang out the window)
ELAINE
Do you ever spit on anybody from here?
JERRY
No. You?
ELAINE
No. Do you ever think about it?
JERRY
Yeah.
ELAINE
Me too.
(Kramer enters the apartment)
KRAMER
Hey.
JERRY
Hey.
KRAMER
Well I got it!
JERRY
You got me the air conditioner?
KRAMER
What do you think?
JERRY
Beautiful!
ELAINE
What air conditioner?
KRAMER
My buddy works in an appliance store
and he got us thirty percent off.
JERRY
Is it a good one?
KRAMER
Good one? It's the Commando 8.
JERRY
Commando 8?
KRAMER
12.000 BTU's.
ELAINE
I thought you hated air conditioning.
You've never had an air conditioner.
KRAMER
Yeah, but Amy likes air conditioning.
ELAINE
Oooh, you're getting an air conditioner
for Amy. (In a wining voice:) Amy doesn't
like the temperature up here. She's
a little hoooot.
JERRY
All right.
KRAMER
Okay, so, I'm gonna measure the window
up, okay buddy?
JERRY
Yeah.
KRAMER
Yeah.
(George enters the apartment wearing goggles)
KRAMER
Yeah, rock on!
(Kramer leaves the apartment)
GEORGE
I gotta get out of this city.
JERRY
So you're tunneling to the center of
the Earth?
GEORGE
I'm at the health club and while I'm
in the pool, some guy walks off with
my glasses. Who steals prescription
glasses?
ELAINE
You don't have an old pair?
GEORGE
I broke 'em playing basketball.
JERRY
He was running from a bee.
GEORGE
Now if I wanna see anything I gotta
wear these.
ELAINE
George, those are prescription goggles?
What is there to see in a health club
pool?
JERRY
There's a lot of change down there.
GEORGE
When I find that guy, this much I vow:
those glasses will be returned to their
rightful owner.
JERRY
We're behind you, Aquaboy. Godspeed!
(Kramer enters the apartment)
GEORGE
What kind of a sick, demented person
wants another person's glasses?
ELAINE
Yeah, especially those frames.
KRAMER
You know you ought to do? Go see my
friend Dwayne at J & T Optical and Columbus
Avenue. He'll give you thirty percent
off.
GEORGE
Yeah, come on.
JERRY
Hey, he just got me thirty percent off
on an air conditioner.
GEORGE
Really?
KRAMER
Retail is for suckers.
GEORGE
Wow. What do I have to do?
KRAMER
You just gotta mention my name.
GEORGE
That's it?
KRAMER
That's it.
(J & T Optical)
(George tries on a pair of glasses)
GEORGE
What about these?
ELAINE
They look good. I liked the other one
too. I've liked about five of them.
GEORGE
It's a tough decision. I have to wear
these every day. I'm deciding on a new
face.
JERRY
Come on, George. Pick a face and go
with it!
ELAINE
Now those look good, they're very bold.
GEORGE
Yes, they are bold. Jerry, what do you
think?
JERRY
(While looking at posters of women wearing
glasses:) I think these women would
be pretty good looking if they weren't
wearing glasses.
(A man with a dog enters the store)
ELAINE
Hi there, little doggy. (And to the
owner:) Do you mind if I pet your dog?
DOG OWNER
It's okay with me.
ELAINE
Hey little doggy.
(Elaine pets the dog and he bites her)
ELAINE
Aaah!
DWAYNE
Hey, you can't have that dog in here.
(The man leaves the store taking his dog with him)
JERRY
Are you okay? Did he bite you?
GEORGE
Can you believe that guy?
ELAINE
I'm okay, it's just a nick.
GEORGE
He just walked away! And once again
I'm standing here like a little man.
Well not this time!
(George leaves the store and follows the dog owner)
GEORGE
You! Dog man!
(George, without his glasses, squints and it looks like he sees
something interesting. He enters the store again)
ELAINE
My leg looks pretty bad.
JERRY
Oh I'm gonna take you over to the emergency
room.
ELAINE
Okay.
JERRY
(To George:) Hey, any luck? Did you
catch 'em?
GEORGE
Uuh, no.
JERRY
All right, I'm gonna take Elaine over
to the hospital.
GEORGE
(In a really strange way:) Good, good,
do that.
JERRY
What's the matter?
GEORGE
Oh, no, nothing.
JERRY
What is it?
GEORGE
I can't tell you.
ELAINE
Jerry, can we go?
JERRY
Yeah, yeah, in a second, in a second.
(And to George:) What do you mean you
can't tell me?
GEORGE
I can't tell you, don't ask.
JERRY
I'm asking!
ELAINE
Jerry, my leg.
JERRY
Yeah, yeah, take care.
(Jerry throws her some toilet paper)
JERRY
Come on, George, what is it?
GEORGE
I saw Amy making out with your cousin
Jeffrey.
JERRY
What?
GEORGE
They were right outside!
JERRY
Amy and Jeffrey?
GEORGE
Yes!
JERRY
Are you sure?
GEORGE
Yes, positive.
JERRY
But you can't see, there's no lenses
in those frames.
GEORGE
I know! I was squinting.
ELAINE
Listen, Jerry, you just catch up with
me okay? You can just follow the trail
of blood.
JERRY
We're gonna have to talk about this
later.
(Elaine holds the door open for Jerry)
JERRY
Thank you. Taxi!
(Jerry and Elaine leave the store)
(George tries on another pair of glasses)
GEORGE
(To the store owner:) Excuse me, what
do you think of these?
DWAYNE
Oh, we just got those in. It's a very
exciting new frame.
GEORGE
Yes, it is exciting! All right, this
is gonna be my new face.
DWAYNE
All right, you have a prescription?
GEORGE
Yeah.
(George hands over the prescription)
GEORGE
Kramer...
DWAYNE
What?
GEORGE
Kramer...
DWAYNE
What about him?
GEORGE
You do know Kramer?
DWAYNE
Yes...
GEORGE
Well, I'm mentioning his name.
DWAYNE
Why?
GEORGE
Because... you know...
DWAYNE
No, I don't know. Look, I'm gonna need
a deposit on these.
(hospital)
ELAINE
Oh, come on. Cousin Jeffrey? It's not
possible!
JERRY
Why not? They could have met. She loves
the park, he works for the Parks Department.
ELAINE
Jerry, that is so ridiculous. But, George
didn't even have his glasses on!
JERRY
But he was squinting.
ELAINE
So what? Squinting doesn't make that
much of a difference.
JERRY
Are you kidding? I've seen 'em squint.
He can squint his way down to like twenty,
thirty vision. Once we were driving
down from the Catskills and he lost
his glasses. He squinted his way from
Wortsborough down to the Tappan Zee
Bridge! He was spotting raccoons, on
the road!
DOCTER
Okay.
ELAINE
Okay? That's it? I don't need a shot?
DOCTER
Not shot, dog bite.
ELAINE
No, no, no. I know I wasn't shot. Do
I need a shot?
DOCTER
Not shot, dog bite. Woof woof, not bang
bang.
(Jerry's apartment)
(Jerry and Amy watch television)
JERRY
Now, look at this. Cable's out.
AMY
Oh that's okay, we don't have to watch
tv.
JERRY
No, no, no. No trouble at all, it's
a principal the thing.
(Jerry picks up the phone and dials the number)
JERRY
I like them to know that I know what's
going on. That they're not... getting
away with anything. Oh, I'm on hold.
So, what did you do yesterday?
AMY
Yesterday?
JERRY
Yeah, you remember yesterday? Beautiful
day... good day to be... out.
AMY
I didn't do anything.
JERRY
Oh you must have done something.
AMY
No, nothing really.
JERRY
Didn't go out of the house? Didn't take
a walk... on Columbus Avenue?
AMY
Well, I did go out for a little while.
JERRY
Well, your day's getting more interesting
already.
(Jerry shows the phone)
JERRY
Ah, see, told me they'd be back in a
minute and THEY lied.
AMY
You can't thrust anyone.
JERRY
No you can't. Now let's cut the ball,
sister! You think I don't know about
you swapping spit with somebody yesterday
on Columbus Avenue?
AMY
What are you talking about?
JERRY
Look, my friend saw you.
AMY
Saw me? With who?
JERRY
You tell me.
AMY
There's nothing to tell.
JERRY
There isn't?
AMY
No.
JERRY
Oh... all right... wanna get some pizza?
(Amy stands up and walks away)
AMY
I had a feeling this was to good to
be true.
JERRY
Why?
AMY
I knew there had to be another side
to you.
JERRY
No, no, there's no side!
AMY
There is a side, an ugly side.
JERRY
No, no, no ugly side.
AMY
Look, I think I'm gonna go.
JERRY
Why?
AMY
It's really hot in here.
JERRY
Uuh, so we can still go out on Friday
though?
AMY
Yeah. When are you getting an air conditioner?
JERRY
It's coming! It's a Commando 8! 12.000
BTU's! It's gonna be like a meat locker
in here.
(Jerry's apartment)
JERRY
I was an idiot for listening to you!
GEORGE
Hey, I saw what I saw.
JERRY
Ooh, everything was going so well. She
hadn't seen any flaws in me. Now she
sees a side.
GEORGE
What side?
JERRY
A bad side, an ugly side.
GEORGE
Ooh, so what?
JERRY
So what? I wasn't planning on showing
that side for another six months. Now
you make me throw off the whole learning
curve.
GEORGE
Why don't you just ask Jeffrey?
JERRY
Ah, he'd just deny it.
GEORGE
There must be some way to find out.
JERRY
Amy said nothing happened.
GEORGE
What, you're gonna take her word over
mine? I'm your best friend!
JERRY
Yeah, but you're blind as a bat!
GEORGE
I was squinting! Remember that drive
from Wortsborough? I was spotting those
raccoons.
JERRY
They were mailboxes, you idiot. I didn't
have the heart to tell you.
GEORGE
Hey look, a dime.
(George walks over to the other end of the room and picks up
a dime)
GEORGE
Mercury head. You mind?
JERRY
(Stunned:) No, keep it.
(Elaine enters the apartment)
JERRY
Hey what happened to you? You buzzed
five minutes ago.
ELAINE
There was a dog in front of the building
and it spooked me. I couldn't come in
until he left.
JERRY
A little white dog?
ELAINE
Yeah.
JERRY
Snowball? You were afraid of Snowball?
ELAINE
I'm afraid of dogs now.
JERRY
He's like a squirrel.
ELAINE
Well he frightened me.
GEORGE
Did you get the shot?
ELAINE
No. He said I didn't need a shot.
GEORGE
You got bit by a strange dog and you
didn't get a rabies shot?
ELAINE
What, you think I should have?
(George indicates 'yes')
JERRY
You know, you should just go back to
the optical store and ask Dwayne if
he knows the name of the owner of the
dog.
ELAINE
All right, that's a good idea. I'm gonna
do that.
(Kramer enters the apartment)
KRAMER
The AC is on his way.
GEORGE
Pardon me, I went to see your friend
Dwayne... there was no discount.
KRAMER
What?
GEORGE
That's right, no discount!
KRAMER
Well did you mention my name?
GEORGE
Yes, I mentioned your name.
KRAMER
And?
GEORGE
Bubkis!
KRAMER
Now I don't believe this. That guy owes
me big time. I got him off sugar! Look,
I'm gonna go down there with you right
now.
GEORGE
All right, let me just... I'm gonna
grap an apple.
JERRY
Hey, Kramer, Elaine's afraid of Snowball!
KRAMER
Little Snowball? He runs on batteries!
(George takes a bite out of an union)
ELAINE
You know, George, that's an union.
GEORGE
Yes it is.
(And he takes another bite)
ELAINE
He couldn't tell an apple from an union
and he's your eye witness?
GEORGE
I saw them making out, you can believe
it.
JERRY
I don't know what to believe! You're
eating unions, you're spotting dimes,
I don't know what the hell is going
on.
KRAMER
Look, all you gotta to is get Amy and
Jeffrey together somewhere, that's it.
JERRY
Hey wait a second, wait a second. I'm
going over to Jeffrey's apartment tomorrow
night to pick up these Paul Simon tickets.
I'm gonna surprise Amy. All I gotta
do is bring her with me. And then when
Jeffrey opens the door, it's Howdy Doody
time.
KRAMER
Right this way, mister Doody!
GEORGE
You'll see I'm right.
(J & T Optical)
KRAMER
Hey, Dwayny.
DWAYNE
Oh hello Kramer.
KRAMER
What is going on here?
DWAYNE
What are you talking about?
KRAMER
I'm talking about the thirty percent
discount.
ELAINE
Uhm excuse me... uh... a man came in
here...
GEORGE
Elaine, don't interrupt, they're discounting
something.
DWAYNE
Who said anything about a discount.
KRAMER
Ooh, how quickly we forget. You owe
me buddy.
DWAYNE
For what?
(Kramer pulls out a candy bar)
KRAMER
Remember this?
DWAYNE
What are you doing?
KRAMER
Six months ago you were eating four
of those for breakfast and chasing it
with a ring ding. And two butter fingers
on the train. Sounds familiar?
DWAYNE
Put that away!
KRAMER
Remember that night I found you at Dinky
Donuts? You were all hopped up on cinnamon
swirls! They wouldn't serve you anymore!
You wouldn't even have any teeth if
it wasn't for me taking you over to
Joe's fruit stand and stuff a cantaloupe
down your throat! So much for gratitude...
yeah, yeah, yeah!
DWAYNE
All right, all right, all right! I'll
give him the discount, just put that
thing away! This squares us.
ELAINE
Can I just have the name...
DWAYNE
Out!
KRAMER
We'll see you Dwayne.
(Jerry's apartment)
(George shows Jerry his glasses)
JERRY
I don't know what to tell you, Elton.
ELAINE
(While reading a book:) Oh oh, listen
to this, this is not good, listen to
these symptoms for rabies: anxiety,
irritability. I got those, I'm irritable!
JERRY
(To George:) Who picked these out?
GEORGE
I did!
JERRY
They're ladies' glasses! All you need
is that little chain around your neck
so you can wear 'em while you're playing
Canasta.
GEORGE
Well Elaine was supposed to help me.
(Elaine runs over to George and starts screaming)
ELAINE
Hey! I got bit by a dog! I had to go
to the hospital! I was bleeding to death!
I can't solve every little problem you
have!
JERRY
Hey, hey.
ELAINE
I'm sorry... sorry.
(Kramer enters the apartment with the air conditioner in his
arms)
KRAMER
Commando 8 has arrived!
JERRY
Take it to the window.
KRAMER
12.000 BTU's of raw cooling power.
(Kramer places the air conditioner in the window)
KRAMER
Installed!
GEORGE
That's it? You don't have to screw it
in or anything?
KRAMER
No, just plug it in and the Commando
8 does the rest. (And to Jerry:) I'll
seal that up later, right?
JERRY
Just in time for Amy.
GEORGE
Oh yeah, when are you gonna execute
that plead?
ELAINE
I've got such a headache. Oh, that's
another symptom!
KRAMER
Of what?
JERRY
Rabies.
KRAMER
Oh that's fatal, you don't want that!
(Elaine runs over to Kramer and starts screaming again)
ELAINE
I know I don't want it! I don't need
you to tell me what I don't want, you
stupid hipster dufus!
JERRY
Hey, hey, what is this? What's going
on here?
ELAINE
I'm sorry, Kramer, I'm sorry.
KRAMER
No, no, it's all right. I had a friend
who had rabies once.
(George's eating chips)
KRAMER
May I have one of those, madam?
GEORGE
Madame? What are you calling me madam
for?
KRAMER
They're ladies' glasses.
(Kramer takes George's glasses and shows him the inside)
KRAMER
Now look here, see it's right here:
Gloria Vanderbilt Collection.
GEORGE
He sold me ladies' glasses!
ELAINE
I... I think I'm... I'm having trouble
swallowing. I can't... I can't swallow.
KRAMER
She's got rabies, just like my friend
Bob Sacamano. She's delirious.
(Elaine drinks some water and drools)
KRAMER
She's foaming at the mouth!
(hospital)
ELAINE
Is this gonna hurt?
DOCTER
Yes, very much.
(Elaine gets the shot)
(Jerry's apartment)
ELAINE
What if Jeffrey's not home. Did you
ever think of that?
JERRY
Oh he'll be home, it's Friday night.
That's the big night on the Nature Channel.
ELAINE
Let me tell you this: there is no way
cousin Jeffrey is dating Amy. He looks
like a horse!
JERRY
He does look like a horse.
ELAINE
Yeah, he's got a real horse face. (Elaine,
while looking out the window:) Here,
look at this! It's the guy with the
dog! (She opens the window and screams:)
Hey! You down there! Remember me? I
had to get shot because of your stupid
dog!
DOG OWNER
Who are you calling stupid?
JERRY
Hey, shall we spit on him?
ELAINE
No no no no, come on, let's go downstairs.
(Kramer enters the apartment)
KRAMER
(Singing:) Oh myyyy papayaaaa.
(The air conditioner wobbles)
KRAMER
The air conditioner!
(Kramer tries to keep it from falling by holding it's cord, but
it snaps)
KRAMER
I think it got the dog!
(New York Health Club's locker room)
GEORGE
Oh boy.
BLIND MAN
Excuse me, I'm new here, would you mind
walking me back to my locker?
GEORGE
Oh uuh, sure, hang on. Hey, that's the
guy.
BLIND MAN
What guy?
GEORGE
The guy that stole my glasses. This
time I got 'em!
(George follows the man onto the street, dragging the blind man
with him)
GEORGE
Would you pick it up a little?
BLIND MAN
Where the hell are we going?
GEORGE
He's getting on a bus, damn! (To the
blind man:) Those are nice glasses.
BLIND MAN
I don't like 'em, they pinch my nose.
GEORGE
Is that really?
(J & T Optical)
(George has taken the blind man with him)
GEORGE
Dwayne, my friend and I would like to
exchange frames. Could you put his lenses
in my frames and mine in his?
DWAYNE
(While eating a candy bar:) Yeah, we
can do that.
GEORGE
And I'd like a discount.
DWAYNE
Why should I give you a discount.
GEORGE
Listen, you're lucking I'm not asking
for a refund. You gave me ladies' frames!
BLIND MAN
What's that about ladies' frames?
(The man with the dog enters and the dog wears a collar)
DOG OWNER
I'm trying to track down that lady that
was in here the other day, the one that
was messing with my dog.
GEORGE
Yeah, well, she's trying to track you
down.
DOG OWNER
Well I would love to talk with her.
She lives on 81st Street, right?
GEORGE
No, that's Jerry.
DOG OWNER
Really? You wouldn't happen to know
what apartment he's in, would you?
GEORGE
Yeah, 5A!
DOG OWNER
Thanks a lot!
(in front of Jeffrey's apartment)
AMY
So what are we doing here?
JERRY
Oh, you'll find out.
AMY
I don't know, you're acting very mysteriously.
JERRY
Well, I'm very mysterious by nature.
(Jerry knocks on the door)
JERRY
A lot of women find that attractive.
AMY
I find it annoying.
JERRY
Really?
(Uncle Leo opens the door)
UNCLE LEO
Helloooo!
JERRY
Uncle Leo!
UNCLE LEO
Come on in.
JERRY
This is Amy.
UNCLE LEO
Hello Amy.
JERRY
Unlce Leo, what are you doing here?
UNCLE LEO
Jeffrey went out tonight.
JERRY
Ooh! Very convenient.
UNCLE LEO
I'm supposed to tape this nature show
for him, he loves nature. Botany, zoology.
You know his botany teacher from college
stays in close touch with him? They
became friends!
JERRY
Oh really?
UNCLE LEO
That's pretty rare! I mean, actual friends!
Like equals! They have dinner together,
they have discussings...
JERRY
Uncle Leo! Did he leave any tickets
here for me?
UNCLE LEO
Oh yeah yeah, I'll get 'em.
JERRY
Thank you.
AMY
What tickets?
JERRY
To the Paul Simon concert in the park!
AMY
We're going to the Paul Simon concert?
JERRY
That's right, lady!
AMY
Oh what a great surprise!
JERRY
I thought you'd like that.
AMY
Oooh, that's why you've been acting
so mysteriously.
JERRY
Now you know. That, and that alone,
is the reason.
UNCLE LEO
Hear Jeffrey's favorite animal: the
leopard.
AMY
Why is that?
UNCLE LEO
He likes the spots. Oh uh, here's the
tickets.
JERRY
Thank you.
UNCLE LEO
Oh uh, he asked me to give you a message.
He said that he's very sorry and he
hopes you'll forgive 'em.
JERRY
(To Amy:) Aha! So it's true! You were
making out with him!
AMY
What are you talking about, I don't
know Jeffrey. Oh so this is why you
brought me up here?
JERRY
Oh very convincing, but it's not gonna
work this time.
UNCLE LEO
What are you talking about? All he meant
was that he was sorry that the seats
aren't very good.
JERRY
Oh... oh... wanna get some pizza?
(in front of J & T Optical)
(George is walking with the blind man)
GEORGE
Wait, these really do pinch the nose.
(George takes of his glasses)
BLIND MAN
Tough luck! Deal's a deal.
GEORGE
Oh my got it is them.
(George puts on his glasses again and sees it's a woman kissing
a horse)
(New York Health Club locker room)
JERRY
I still don't know how you spotted that
dime. I think you planted it. Plus I've
got to pay that vet bill for the stupid
dog. I don't know how that guy got my
name.
GEORGE
Yeah. Boy these really do pinch. I tell
you, if I ever find the son of a bitch
that stole my glasses...
(The camera shows George's glasses on top of his locker)
THE END
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