THE GOOD SAMARITAN
Written by
Peter Mehlman
(Jerry is driving alone talking on his car phone to Elaine at
home in her
bed)
ELAINE
You know it's bad enough you have a
car phone, you have to use the
speaker?
JERRY
It's safer! Plus it's more annoying
to the other person.
(Driver cuts in front of Jerry)
JERRY
Oh look at this guy.
ELAINE
What's goin' on?
JERRY
Oh there's a guy trying to get in front
of me, he has to ask
permission. Yes. Go ahead. Get in, get in.
ELAINE
Did you get a thank you wave?
JERRY
No, nothing. How could you not give
a thank you wave? Hey buddy!
Where's my thank you wave?
(Jerry sticks his head out the window)
JERRY
Give me that wave!
ELAINE
Jerry, are you free on Friday?
JERRY
Yeah, I'm free, why?
ELAINE
Ah, God, I bumped into Robin Sandusky
today, she asked me to have
dinner with her and her husband.
JERRY
Oh my God! You won't believe what I
just saw! A car just bashed into
a parked car, and sped off, right on my block!
ELAINE
You gotta follow that car!
JERRY
What?!
ELAINE
You can't let him get away with that!
JERRY
Elaine, the guy could be dangerous.
ELAINE
What are you, yellow?
JERRY
I'm not yella. (In a cowboy voice)
ELAINE
Jerry, if you don't follow him, you're
yella.
JERRY
Wait, he stopped, he's parking.
ELAINE
What? What? I can't hear you. Jerry?
(Scene moves outside where Jerry get out of his car to confront
other
driver, who as they come out of their car, is an attractive woman)
JERRY
Uh, excuse me, uh, I was uh, driving
behind you, uh, a few blocks
back, and I, I couldn't help, uh, maybe you didn't realize, uh,
I witnessed
that, uh, um, you're tire's a little low. That can affect the
performance
of the twin high-beam suspension, not to mention your rack and
pinion
steering. (They both smile flirtatiously at each other)
(Scene moves to Jerry's apartment where Jerry and George are
talking by the
table)
JERRY
So I wound up going out for a decaf
cappuccino with her.
GEORGE
Boy! What a story! I'm speechless. Speechless.
I have no speech.
JERRY
You know, I really liked her. We talked.
We flirted. And when she
left, she reached out and touched my arm.
(Reaches out to touch Georges arm to demonstrate)
JERRY
He, he, he. (Simulating her feminine
laugh)
GEORGE
I love when they touch your arm. I can't
get enough of that. Why is
that?
JERRY
Let's not even analyze it.
(Jerry begins walking towards door)
GEORGE
So you didn't turn her in?
JERRY
I wanted to but I couldn't go through
with it.
GEORGE
Gonna see her again?
JERRY
Friday night.
(Intercom buzzes, Jerry presses the button)
JERRY
Yep.
ELAINE
It's me!
JERRY
Come on up.
(Jerry unlocks and opens door)
JERRY
By the way, Elaine does not need to
know about anything.
GEORGE
Hey, hey, hey! I dig.
(George walks into kitchen and opens cupboard to get cups)
JERRY
Oh, you dig?
GEORGE
Yes! I see enormous potential here.
JERRY
Why?
(George pours two cups of milk)
GEORGE
Because great couples always have a
great story about how they met.
That's why I've never been in a long term relationship. I've
never had a
good meeting story.
JERRY
I wonder if I'm nuts for pursuing this
woman at all.
GEORGE
I don't think so.
JERRY
Look, she slammed into a parked car!
She took no responsibility for
mutilating the property of a stranger, then she sped off like
a criminal!
(Jerry takes a drink of his milk while both remain silent)
JERRY
On the other hand, does that mean she
should never be allowed to date
again? You scratch one car and you're forbidden to have social
contact for
the rest of your life?!
(Jerry looks at his cup in disgust)
JERRY
What am I drinking, milk?
(Elaine enters, hanging up her jacket)
ELAINE
Hey!
JERRY
Hi.
(Elaine tosses a sweater to Jerry)
ELAINE
Sweater.
JERRY
Thank you.
ELAINE
So? What happened?
(Jerry starts walking away)
JERRY
With that?
ELAINE
With the car!
JERRY
What car?
ELAINE
The hit and run!
JERRY
Oh, right, right, right, right, right,
right, right, the hit and run.
Well. Actually, the guy went into Queens.
ELAINE
Queens?! You followed him over the bridge?
JERRY
Over the bridge. (Making a pointing
motion with his hand)
(George walks out of the kitchen)
GEORGE
Oh, well I didn't know you went into
Queens Jerry.
JERRY
Yeah, Queens.
ELAINE
So? Then what?
JERRY
So he gets out of the car, I say, "Hey
buddy! I saw you hit that
car!" So he says to me, "What are ya gonna do about it?"
(Elaine gasps)
JERRY
So I said to him, "Whatever's necessary."
(Elaine stutters with her mouth open in amazement)
ELAINE
I am speechless. I am without speech.
GEORGE
Tell her about the shoving.
JERRY
What?
(George smiles pointing at him)
ELAINE
What shoving?!
JERRY
Oh, it was nothing.
GEORGE
No! Tell her.
(Jerry looks at George with a grin)
JERRY
Well he kinda lost his temper, and he
was pushing me up against the
car. So I went into a karate stance. (Jerry assumes karate position
and does
two punches)
ELAINE
You know karate??
JERRY
I know a little.
ELAINE
Well, this is so, amazing to me! Jerry
what did he do?
JERRY
He backed off. Pretty pathetic actually.
(Kramer enters)
KRAMER
Hey! (Group does likewise)
ELAINE
Did you tell Kramer?
JERRY
Ah, nah! (Waving his hand and walking
away)
KRAMER
What? What? What? Tell me.
ELAINE
Jerry saw this guy crash into a car,
and he followed him.
(Jerry looks at Kramer and raises both his arms smiling)
KRAMER
Good for you! What kind of a sick lowlife
would do a thing like
that? You know those people, you know they're mentally disturbed.
(Pointing
a finger at Jerry)
KRAMER
They should be sent to Australia.
(Jerry has a confused look)
JERRY
Australia?
KRAMER
Yeah, yeah, that's where England used
to send their convicts.
JERRY
But not any more.
KRAMER
No.
(Everyone pauses and looks at Kramer)
ELAINE
Hey Kramer, Kramer!
KRAMER
Yeah?
ELAINE
What happened to you right here? (She's
pointing to her forehead)
KRAMER
I don't know!
(Jerry smiles and shakes his head)
KRAMER
You know I was watching Entertainment
Tonight, and uh, suddenly I
got dizzy. And the next thing I know I hit my head on the coffee
table.
(Elaine has a look of surprise)
ELAINE
Well, that is, that is strange.
KRAMER
Yep. (Mumbles off)
(Elaine walks toward door)
ELAINE
Alright, oh Jerry, we're still on for
Friday night, right?
JERRY
Oh Friday, I can't, I'm sorry, I have
a date.
(Elaine closes door and walks back toward Jerry)
ELAINE
But last night you said you were free!
(Sounding very disappointed)
JERRY
We just met.
(Kramer is tapping his temple with his finger)
KRAMER
Maybe it was a reaction to the sardines.
ELAINE
But I, I can't go alone!
JERRY
Ask George to go with you.
ELAINE
George, come on! I'll pay for you.
GEORGE
You'll pay? I'm there.
JERRY
Why do you even need anybody?
ELAINE
Because I hate being at a table alone,
with a married couple.
Talking about their married friends, and their married furniture.
They're
always trying to make me feel like their life is so much better
than mine.
You know, I have a very exciting life. It's very exciting. (As
she's closing
the door to leave)
(Scene moves to restaurant with Elaine, George, and the married
couple,
Michael and Robin, sitting down talking, George is mainly focused
on eating
his meal)
ROBIN
You went out with a bullfighter?
ELAINE
Yes, well, an ex-bullfighter now.
MICHAEL
Wow.
ROBIN
What was his name?
ELAINE
His name? Name, um, his name was uh,
uh, Eduardo Carochio.
(George points across the table)
GEORGE
Pass the salt please.
ROBIN
Where did you meet him?
ELAINE
Um, actually, I met him in Switzerland,
and he was fighting uh, is
that the word they use? Fighting? Because they don't really fight
the
bull, they avoid fighting the bull.
(Elaine and couple laugh, George points at the bread)
GEORGE
Bread.
(Elaine hands bread to George)
ELAINE
I just love meeting new people. You
know that's how you really do
learn about life.
(Robin sneezes, no one says anything, George lifts his head and
looks at
Michael)
GEORGE
God bless you.
(Robin smiles)
ROBIN
Thank you.
GEORGE
I wasn't going to say anything, but
then I could see that he wasn't
going to open his mouth. (Chuckles)
(Michael stops pouring wine and looks seriously at George)
(Scene moves to Jerry's car, where Jerry and hit-and-run woman
are both
eating an ice cream cones)
WOMAN
You know who's a good actor? Anthony
Quinn.
JERRY
Oh, Anthony Quinn, fine actor. But from
what I understand, not a very
good driver. Hits everything on the road. But always leaves a
note.
WOMAN
Did you ever see Zorba the Greek?
JERRY
Excellent film. In fact Quinn said he
never felt so good as when he
left a note after smacking into a car.
(Woman touches Jerry's hair, smiling)
WOMAN
Come here.
(Scene moves back to restaurant where an argument has developed
between
Michael and George)
GEORGE
Really, I was, I was only kidding around.
ROBIN
He was only joking Michael.
(Michael throws down his serviette)
MICHAEL
You think you're so damn special because
you say 'God bless you'?
GEORGE
No, no, I don't think I'm special. My
mother always said I'm not
special.
ROBIN
He was only joking Michael! Sorry.
MICHAEL
All right! Take his side!
ROBIN
I am not taking his side.
MICHAEL
Well who's side are you taking?!
ROBIN
Well I'm not taking your side!
(Robin sneezes, George gestures to Michael that the floor is
his)
(Scene moves back to Jerry's car, where Jerry and the hit-and-run
woman are
now kissing)
JERRY
Kirk Douglas. Now there's another very
bad driver. But he's such an
unbelievable guy, that when he hits someone, he doesn't even
leave a note.
He sits in his car and waits for the other person to show up
so he can
exchange license, registration, and apologize.
(Woman pulls Jerry back in and starts kissing him again)
(Scene moves back to Jerry apartment with George talking outside
Jerry room,
where Jerry is)
GEORGE
I said 'God bless you'. Was that so
wrong?
JERRY
The question is, did you allow a space
for the husband to come in
with his 'God bless you'? Because as the husband, he has the
right to first
refusal.
(George makes a confused look. The intercom buzzes, Jerry walks
over and
presses the button)
ELAINE
It's me.
JERRY
Come on up.
(Jerry unlocks door, conversation moves into kitchen)
GEORGE
Yes, yes, I definitely waited. But let
me say this: Once he passes
on that option, that 'God bless you' is up for grabs.
JERRY
No argument. Unless, she's one of these
multiple sneezers, and he's
holding his 'God bless you' in abeyance, until she completes
the series.
GEORGE
Well I don't think she is a multiple
sneezer, because she sneezed
again later, and it was also a single.
JERRY
What if she's having an off night?
(Elaine walks in, Jerry goes to sit down on sofa)
ELAINE
Hi!
Jerry. Hi.
(Elaine takes her coat off and walks into kitchen)
ELAINE
Well! If it isn't mister gesuntheit!
(George walks out of kitchen)
GEORGE
Oh ya, like there's something wrong
with saying 'God bless you'. I
was raised to say 'God bless you'.
(Jerry sneezes)
GEORGE
Ah, shut up.
ELAINE
What does it mean anyway? 'God bless
you'. It's a stupid
'stuperstition'.
(Elaine sits on sofa, George sits on arm of sofa)
JERRY
A stupid what?
(Elaine looks at Jerry)
ELAINE
Whatever.
JERRY
You know, if you want to make a person
feel better after they sneeze,
you shouldn't say 'God bless you', you should say, 'You're soo
good
lookin''.
(Elaine nods, George rolls his eyes)
ELAINE
Yeah, yeah, that's better than 'God
bless you'. Anyway, she left a
message on my machine, she wants you to call her.
GEORGE
Who?
ELAINE
Robin!
(George looks quickly at Elaine)
GEORGE
Why?!
ELAINE
Well I assumed she called to apologize,
that's why she called me.
(George stands up)
JERRY
Entertainment Tonight's on.
GEORGE
Where's the remote phone?
JERRY
Bedroom.
(George walks toward Jerry's bedroom)
ELAINE
Hey, grab Jerry's sweater for me, would
you?
(Theme music plays on TV, Kramer walks in, waves at Jerry and
Elaine, then
walks over to Jerry's bookshelf, dancing to the music. Voice
of Mary Hart
starts on TV and Kramer starts having a wild seizure behind the
sofa.)
JERRY
What's it like out?
(Kramer continues to shake behind sofa)
ELAINE
Chilly out.
JERRY
Can I take a sweater?
ELAINE
Yeah, you can take a sweater if you
want to.
JERRY
Scarf?
ELAINE
Nah, hey, shut this off, shut it off.
(Jerry and Elaine finally notice Kramer as he finishes)
JERRY
What's the matter? What's going on?
(Kramer is looking around like he's lost)
KRAMER
What happened?!
ELAINE
What?
KRAMER
I think I hit my head again!
JERRY
What is wrong?!
(Elaine is pointing at the TV)
ELAINE
Hey, hey, wait a minute! Let me ask
you something. Kramer, the last
time you hit your head, was Mary Hart on TV?
KRAMER
Yeah.
(Elaine claps her hands together then stands up)
ELAINE
That is it!
KRAMER
What?
(Elaine walks toward Kramer pointing her finger at him)
ELAINE
That is it! Mary Hart's voice, don't
you see? There's something
about Mary Hart's voice that's giving you seizures. Just like,
just like,
just like that woman in Albany!
(George walks out of Jerry's bedroom toward kitchen, Kramer sits
down)
KRAMER
Mary Hart!
GEORGE
God.
ELAINE
What?
GEORGE
Well she apologized, and then she wanted
to know if we could get
together Wednesday afternoon.
JERRY
Get together?
GEORGE
Maybe she just wants to talk to me?
ELAINE
Married women don't 'get together'.
They have affairs.
(George walks to other side of sofa)
GEORGE
Oh my God, an affair. That's so adult.
It's like with stockings and
martinis, and William Holden. On the other hand it probably wouldn't
cost me
any money.
(George sits on chair)
ELAINE
Are you actually considering this?
GEORGE
I can't have an affair with a married
woman, that's despicable!
ELAINE
Yeah, it's like hitting a car and driving
away without leaving a
note.
(Jerry moves around sofa as if uncomfortable)
JERRY
Yeah.
(Kramer walks out of washroom)
KRAMER
Hey, you know who owns that car?
JERRY
What car?
KRAMER
The one that was hit a couple of nights
ago.
JERRY
Yeah who?
KRAMER
That blond across the street. You know
the one with the long
ponytail, she wears those blue sweatpants.
(Jerry stands up and walks toward kitchen)
JERRY
The blond with the blue sweatpants!
Yeah, I think I've seen her.
(Elaine nods, smiling)
ELAINE
Well I've got to get going. I'm meeting
a guy with grey sweatpants.
(Elaine walks out door, Kramer follows)
KRAMER
Wait, wait, wait, how do you know it's
not John Tesh?
(Jerry closes door behind them, then runs over to George very
excited)
JERRY
The blond with the blue sweatpants!
GEORGE
Well, who is she?
JERRY
I've had a crush on this woman for year!
I've always been afraid to
approach her! She looks like she belongs on one of these Hallmark
cards.
GEORGE
Oh right, right! The blue sweatpants!
Gees, it's too bad you can't
say anything because of Angela.
(Jerry sits down, disgruntled, flips aimlessly through a magazine)
JERRY
Oh yeah. Too bad. Angela. Lousy thug.
I mean what kind of sick person
does something like that? That woman belongs in prison! I mean,
I actually
owe it to society to do something about this! I can't sit by
and allow this
to go on. It's a moral issue is what it is!
(Jerry and George are both pointing their fingers at each other)
GEORGE
You can't compromise your principles!
JERRY
How am I going to live with myself?!
GEORGE
Can't live!
JERRY
I'm not religious, but I certainly know
where to draw the line!
GEORGE
This country needs more people like
you!
JERRY
Don't sell yourself short saying 'God
bless you' to every Tom, Dick
and Harry in great personal risk.
GEORGE
I believe strongly in that as you know.
JERRY
There should be more people like us.
GEORGE
That's why the world's in the shape
it's in.
JERRY
You're telling me.
(Jerry and George both flip pages simultaneously and start reading
their
magazines)
(Scene moves to apartment across street, where Jerry is talking
to the girl
with the blue sweatpants, Becky Gelke, outside her door)
JERRY
Anyway, I just wanted you to know, that
I'm going to do everything I
can to make sure the party responsible is made to be responsible
or
something very close to that.
(Becky touches Jerry's arm, smiling)
BECKY
Well God bless you.
(Jerry pauses)
JERRY
Thank you very much.
(Scene moves to George's apartment, where George and Robin are
together in
bed)
GEORGE
Oh my God. I must be crazy. What have
I done?
ROBIN
Oh no, what's wrong?
GEORGE
What's wrong? I'll tell you what's wrong.
I just committed adultery!
ROBIN
You didn't commit adultery, I did.
GEORGE
Oh yeah.
ROBIN
If I didn't do it with you, I would
have done it with someone else.
GEORGE
Well, I wouldn't want you to do that.
You know there's a lot of
losers out there.
ROBIN
Maybe even someone who didn't say 'God
bless you'.
GEORGE
Well, that's a given.
ROBIN
In three years with Michael, not one
'God bless you'.
GEORGE
Must be hell living in that house.
(Scene moves to Elaine's apartment, where she is talking on the
phone to
Michael)
MICHAEL
Hi, it's Michael.
ELAINE
Hi, Michael!
MICHAEL
Is Robin there?
ELAINE
Robin? No, why?
MICHAEL
Uh, she said she was going to be with
you.
ELAINE
No I haven't spoken to her all day-uh,
yeah right, um, as a matter
of fact, um, she was here, and she uh, left a note, but I wasn't
here, but I
have the note, uh, right here.
(Elaine sits on the couch and crumples newspaper into the phone)
MICHAEL
If she's not with you, then where is
she?
ELAINE
Well I, I don't know.
MICHAEL
Is she with your bald friend from the
other night?!
ELAINE
No, no, come on Michael!
MICHAEL
He's finished! I'm going to sew his
ass to his face! I'm going to
twist his neck so hard his lips will be his eyebrows! I'm going
to break his
joints, and reattach them!
(Michael sneezes)
ELAINE
You're soo good lookin'.
(Scene moves back to Jerry's apartment, where Jerry and Angela
are talking
by the sofa)
ANGELA
Now you listen to me, suck face! You
tell anybody, anything, and I
will carve my initials in your brain tissue!
JERRY
Let me rephra-
ANGELA
I'll bash your skull into a vegematic
like a bad cabbage, and I'll
have a party on your head!
(Elaine walks in)
JERRY
Hi Elaine, this is Angela.
ANGELA
I'll pluck all your body hairs out with
my teeth!
(Jerry walks past her away from the kitchen)
JERRY
Well I think I get the gist of it.
ANGELA
So you don't say anything to anybody
about me hitting that car!
(Jerry shrugs)
JERRY
What car?
(Jerry hands Angela her purse)
ANGELA
Good. I'm glad we understand each other.
JERRY
It's not complicated.
(Angela walks out and down hall, Elaine waves)
ELAINE
Very nice meeting you!
(Intercom buzzes, Elaine hits button while walking toward Jerry)
ELAINE
Come on up.
(Elaine laughs)
ELAINE
Well, well, well, Mr. Seinfeld! That
must have been so frightening!
When you confronted that guy, in Queens! Now, let's just see
if I've got
this scenario right.
JERRY
Alright Elaine.
ELAINE
No, no, no, no, no. Because I'm picturing
'French Connection', kind
of thing. You know? Sort of a Popeye Doyle chase through the
city!
JERRY
It was just a couple of blocks.
(Elaine takes cup from Jerry and sets it on counter)
ELAINE
Oh no, no, come on. Don't be so modest!
(George walks in open door, and into kitchen. Elaine walks toward
him, Jerry
goes to washroom)
GEORGE
Hey.
ELAINE
Oh, did you check you machine?
(George takes glass from cupboard)
GEORGE
No, why, what's happening?
ELAINE
Michael called me today, and he asked
me where Robin was.
GEORGE
Yeah, okay.
ELAINE
And I said I hadn't seen her.
GEORGE
What?!
ELAINE
No, no George! You don't understand!
She didn't tell me she was
using me as an excuse! Okay?! But then I realized what was going
on, and I
said that she left a note. Um, but he didn't really buy that.
And then, and
then he did mention your name.
GEORGE
He mentioned my name?! What did he say?!
ELAINE
He said he was going to sew your ass
to your face.
GEORGE
What? Why couldn't you think of something?!
ELAINE
Well I don't know, he caught me off
guard!
GEORGE
You lie! How hard is it to lie?!
(Jerry walks back from washroom)
JERRY
It's not that hard.
(Elaine points finger at George)
ELAINE
Well who told you to sleep with her
George?!
GEORGE
It's not my fault! I wasn't going to
do anything until you got her
all juiced up with your story about having the affair with the
matador!
ELAINE
Oh Gosh! None of this would never have
happened if you wouldn't have
said 'God bless you'!
GEORGE
Oh don't-
(Jerry raises his arms)
JERRY
Hold it! Hold it! Hold it people! Matador?
What matador?
GEORGE
She told this couple she had an affair
with a matador.
JERRY
A matador! Well, well, well. Uno momento
por favor. Pray tell, what
was the young man's name?
ELAINE
Uh, Eduardo, uh, Carochio.
(Jerry uses hand towel to mimic matador)
JERRY
Eduardo, Carochio! That's good. That's
very good. Kind of just rolls
of the tongue. I wonder where on the upper west side a single
girl might
meet a matador? Perhaps Zabars? Or Ray's Pizza!
(Scene moves to Becky's apartment, where Jerry is talking to
her outside her
door)
JERRY
Anyway, this person told me to tell
you to get an estimate on the
damage.
BECKY
Well, I already got an estimate. It's
$875.
JERRY
$875?
BECKY
That's right.
JERRY
Uh, well, I'll tell you what. Um, I'll
give you a check, and then
this person can pay me back.
(Jerry takes out checkbook, and start writing)
JERRY
Um, who do I make it out to?
BECKY
Becky Gelke. G-E-L-K-E.
JERRY
So, what are you doing this weekend?
(Jerry hands check to Becky)
BECKY
You have got some nerve! You smash up
my car, you don't admit it, and
now you want to ask me out on a date?
JERRY
I didn't do it!
BECKY
Yeah righ-
(Becky sneezes)
JERRY
You are soo good lookin'.
(Becky closes door)
BECKY
Thank you.
(Scene moves to Jerry's apartment where Jerry is changing in
bedroom and
George is looking out window)
GEORGE
Jerry, let's go! You ready?
(Jerry walks out of bedroom)
JERRY
You sure you want to do this? I'm going
to be on the road for three
weeks!
GEORGE
Excuse me, I've got a maniac stalking
me, I'm not staying in the
city.
JERRY
Alright!
(George put his bag over his shoulder)
GEORGE
Come on let's get out of here.
(Kramer enters)
KRAMER
How could you?
JERRY
What?!
KRAMER
Man! I never thought you were capable
of this!
JERRY
What did I do?
KRAMER
I just talked to Becky Gelke outside,
she told me how you hit and
ran.
JERRY
I-
KRAMER
I don't even want to look at you anymore!
All these years of
friendship and you're nothing but a felon. You're an embarrassment
to the
building.
JERRY
I didn't do it! I just had to pay her
to cover for somebody else!
KRAMER
Now you're not going to lie to me, are
you?
(Jerry is putting on sweater)
JERRY
No, never.
KRAMER
Alright. Well. Glad we got that straightened
out because I've got a
date with her.
JERRY
You got a date with Becky Gelke?!
KRAMER
Yeah, going out with her Saturday night.
GEORGE
Jerry, can we get out of here?!
KRAMER
As a matter of fact, if it wasn't for
you, I wouldn't have even had
an excuse to talk to her.
JERRY
Well I'm happy to help, in any way that
I can.
(Jerry yanks coat out of George's hands)
THE END
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