THE GUM
Written by
Tom Gammill & Max Pross
(Comedy club)
JERRY
(unwrapping a piece of gum) I think
gum is, is one of the weirdest human
inventions. (pops gum in his mouth)
It's not a liquid, 's not a solid, 's
not a food. What is it? It isn't really
anything, you know. I mean, it's like
a stationary bike for your jaw. Like,
remember when you were in school, and
teachers would get all riled up if they
caught you with gum? And when you were
a kid, you'd think 'What is the big
deal?' But, as an adult, I can understand
it, because when you're chewing gum,
you don't look like you're too thrilled
with anything anyone has to say. (as
sarcastic teen) 'Oh, World War Two.
That was an important historical event?
Yeah, I'm sure.' 'They landed a man
on the moon, nineteen sixty-nine? Yeah,
right. Yeah, I buy that, teach.'
(Monk's)
(Jerry and George sitting in a booth, much as usual)
GEORGE
You think she's happy?
JERRY
Who?
GEORGE
(indicates with his head) The cashier.
JERRY
Ruthie Cohen?
GEORGE
(surprised) You know her name?
JERRY
Sure.
GEORGE
I don't think I've ever spoken to her.
JERRY
Maybe that's why she's happy.
(Kramer enters. He has a handful of flyers)
KRAMER
(handing Jerry & George a flyer) Good
morning, gentlemen.
JERRY
What is this?
KRAMER
(removing his coat) Yeah, well, it's
the latest offering from the Alex
(Theatre)
JERRY
That stinky old movie-house?
KRAMER
(sits beside Jerry) Well, you should
smell it now. We fixed up the place.
GEORGE
(gesturing with flyer) With Spartacus?
KRAMER
(lighting his pipe) Well, it's a rare
archival print. (jumps as his burns
his fingers) Twelve extra minutes, full
wide-screen CinemaScope, and if you
come to the one o'clock show, you can
hear Geoffrey Har-harwood.
JERRY
Geoffrey who?
KRAMER
Har-harwood, Jerry. He was the assistant
wardrobe man on Spartacus. Some fascinating
insights into the production.
GEORGE
Why would I spend seven dollars to see
a movie that I could watch on TV?
KRAMER
Well, why go to a fine restaurant, when
you can just stick something in the
microwave? Why go to the park and fly
a kite, when you can just pop a pill?
(looks around Monk's) Listen, you guys
haven't seen Lloyd Braun, have you?
I'm supposed to meet him here.
GEORGE
Lloyd Braun? What d'you have to meet
him for?
KRAMER
Well, he's using his connections in
the Mayor's office, to uh, get the theatre
landmark status.
JERRY
I thought he screwed up the Dinkins
campaign.
KRAMER
Well, he did. You know, after that,
he had a nervous breakdown? Had to spend
a few months in an institution.
GEORGE
Really?
KRAMER
Yeah, but he's doing a lot better now.
I've taken him under my wing.
JERRY
Oh, then I'm not worried.
Lloyd Braun enters in the background.
KRAMER
But he still needs all of our support.
Now, when he gets here treat him like
he's one of the gang, huh.
Lloyd wanders toward the guys at the table.
GEORGE
(thoughtful) Breakdown, huh?
LLOYD
Hey Kramer.
KRAMER
Oh, hey Lloyd, hey buddy. (gets up and
shakes Lloyd's hand)
LLOYD
How you doing?
KRAMER
(slaps Lloyd on the shoulder) Sit down.
(sits himself)
LLOYD
Hi Jerry.
JERRY
Lloyd.
LLOYD
George.
Lloyd sits beside George.
GEORGE
Hello, Lloyd. How you doing?
KRAMER
Yeah well, he's doing fine, George.
LLOYD
(offering packet) Gum?
JERRY
(peering) That's an interesting package.
LLOYD
Yeah, it's from China. Go ahead, try
a piece. Tell me that's not the most
delicious gum you've ever tasted.
KRAMER
Yes, yes. We shall all try a piece and
tell you how delicious it is. (he takes
pieces for himself and Jerry)
LLOYD
George?
GEORGE
I don't chew gum.
JERRY
(chewing) Mmm, different. Where'd you
get it?
LLOYD
Friend of mine in Chinatown gave it
to me. If you want I can ask him where
he got it.
JERRY
Nah, don't bother.
LLOYD
No, it's no problem.
JERRY
I don't want it.
KRAMER
Jerry, Jerry. Lloyd says it's no problem.
He's capable of locating the gum.
JERRY
Alright.
KRAMER
Mmm, delicious. This is delicious. Mmm.
(Jerry's Apartment)
George sits at the table examining the contents of his wallet.
Jerry is still chewing and by his face, he's not enjoying it.
GEORGE
You know what? I think this Ruthie Cohen
gave me the wrong change.
Didn't I pay with a twenty? I'm sure I paid with a twenty.
Elaine enters.
ELAINE
Hey.
GEORGE
Hey.
JERRY
I think I finally figured out what the
flavor is in this gum. It's a little
lo-mein-y (he spits it into the waste
bin)
ELAINE
What kind is that?
JERRY
It's Chinese gum, Lloyd Braun gave me.
ELAINE
Lloyd Braun? How's he doing?
GEORGE
(almost gleeful) After Dinkins lost
the election, he had a complete nervous
breakdown. They had to lock him up.
ELAINE
You know, that's around the same time
I broke up with Lloyd. Y... you don't
think that I had anything to do with
his breakdown, do you?
JERRY
You know, I remember when we parted
company, I was babbling incoherently
for months.
ELAINE
Yeah? Well, I got news for you.
GEORGE
The whole time that I was growing up,
all I ever heard from my mother was
'Why can't you be more like that Lloyd
Braun?'
JERRY
And in the end Lloyd Braun became more
like you.
George snaps his fingers and points to Jerry, signaling his agreement.
Then he picks up his jacket and heads for the door.
GEORGE
Right, gotta get going.
JERRY
Aren't you coming with us to Spartacus?
GEORGE
Nah, I gotta deliver some Christmas
presents to my parents.
JERRY
I thought your parents were outta town?
GEORGE
Why d'you think I'm going now?
Queens)
George has parked his car on the street, and gets out. An elderly
guy is on the
porch of his house and recognises George.
POP
Georgie!
GEORGE
Hey, Mr Lazzari.
POP
Back in the old neighborhood, ah?
GEORGE
Yeah, yeah. Just delivering some presents
to my folks.
POP
Oh, snazzy car. Le Baron?
GEORGE
Yeah, eighty-three. Used to belong to
John Voight.
POP
The actor, right?
GEORGE
Something like that.
POP
Mind if I look under the hood?
GEORGE
Oh, no no no no. Go ahead, Pop, you
always knew your cars.
A young woman has exited from the old guy's house, and approaches.
POP
Oh, Deena! Deena, Deena, l... look who's
here.
Pop lifts the hood of the car, and leans into the engine compartment.
DEENA
George Costanza, is that you?
GEORGE
Hey Deena, come on, give us a hug. (they
hug) Oh my gosh, you look as
pretty as you did back in high school.
DEENA
Boy, those were some crazy times.
GEORGE
Yeah, yeah. Speaking of crazy, did you
hear about Lloyd Braun?
Lobby)
Kramer is leading Jerry and Elaine on a tour of the Alex. There
are a few
customers scattered about and a bored attendant behind the counter.
Elaine has a
big bucket of popcorn.
KRAMER
The Alex was built in nineteen twenty-two,
during the golden era of
movie palaces. Minor restorations in nineteen forty-one, forty-seven,
fifty-two,
fifty-eight, sixty-three, and currently to our present period
of time.
ELAINE
Boy, you're really getting into this
aren't you?
KRAMER
Yes, yes I am. The icing on the cake
would be getting that landmark
status from the City. We're hoping Lloyd Braun can pull a few
strings.
JERRY
Oh, can Lloyd really do that?
KRAMER
Lloyd Braun can do anything he puts
his mind to. He's fine, Jerry. (to
Elaine) And you should say hello to him, Elaine.
ELAINE
(concerned) What? Lloyd is here?
Kramer indicates Lloyd approaching.
ELAINE
What? No, no, I'd rather...
LLOYD
Hi Elaine.
ELAINE
(big fake smile) Lloyd, yes. Hello.
LLOYD
Kramer tell you? We reserved some special
seats, so we can all sit
together.
ELAINE
(reluctant) Oh, well... I, uh, actually
Lloyd, Jerry and I have to sit
in the front row, uhm, (desperately inventing) because uh, because,
because he,
he forgot his glasses. So uh, thanks for getting us... uhm, we'll
see you
afterwards.
Elaine grabs Jerry by the arm and leads him toward the auditorium.
LLOYD
That was odd. Am I crazy, or does Jerry
not wear glasses?
KRAMER
(emphatic) You're not crazy. Jerry does
wear glasses. He just forgot
'em, that's all. (puts an arm round Lloyd's shoulder) Not crazy.
Auditorium)
Jerry and Elaine sit in the front row of seats. Elaine is eating
popcorn.
JERRY
We're all the way in the front row.
Why couldn't we sit in the special
seats?
ELAINE
I'm sorry, but I didn't want Lloyd thinking
I was leading him on again.
Seeing him made me feel very uncomfortable.
The lights go down, and music is heard as the show begins. Jerry
and Elaine lean
back in their seats to be able to see the screen
JERRY
Nah, you don't wanna be uncomfortable.
Queens)
Deena and George are still talking. Pop is under the hood of
George's car. Bangs
and clanks can be heard as he fiddles with the mechanics.
DEENA
Poor Lloyd.
GEORGE
I know. Completely bonkers!
DEENA
Sorry I can't be so flip about this
kind of thing. You know, after what
happened to Pop.
GEORGE
Pop? What happened to Pop?
DEENA
I thought you heard. He had a nervous
breakdown last year. That's why I'm
taking care of him.
Pop comes out momentarily.
POP
Oh, I tell you, they don't build 'em
like this any more.
He goes back under the hood.
GEORGE
(a little worried) He uh, he doesn't
have the auto shop any more?
DEENA
Uhn, it was too much for him.
Pop is thumping away at part of the engine with a spanner.
GEORGE
(very worried) Uhm, I, I gotta go.
DEENA
What?
GEORGE
I just remembered, I gotta be someplace.
Yuh-hu-hur, that's enough. Pop.
Pop, put down the wrench, Pop.
Auditorium)
Kramer and Lloyd sits side by side in the special seats, watching
Spartacus.
They're smiling happily.
Jerry and Elaine lean uncomfortably back in their front-row seats.
They're both
eating popcorn. Elaine drops a piece onto her blouse, where it
rests next to a
fancy button. She retrieves the corn, and dislodges the button
without noticing.
The button falls to the floor where it rests among other detritus.
(George's Car)
George is driving along the road in his Le Baron. Over the usual
engine noise
can be heard a metallic rasping, grinding noise. George listens
for a few
moments, wondering where it's coming from. Then he looks concerned,
then angry.
GEORGE
Pop! POP!!
Lobby)
Kramer and Jerry stand in the lobby. Kramer smoking his pipe,
Jerry massaging
his neck. Lloyd wanders over to join them.
LLOYD
's a great movie, huh?
KRAMER
Yeah.
LLOYD
Sorry you forgot those glasses.
JERRY
I don't know what I was thinking.
LLOYD
How'd you like that gum?
JERRY
(noncommittal) Errh.
KRAMER
(slapping Jerry on the back) Ah, he
loved it.
Elaine enters. In the absence of the button she lost in the auditorium,
her
blouse is open to below her breasts, and everything's in the
shop window. Not
that she knows it.
ELAINE
Hey Kramer, you know what? There, there
isn't a light there, in the
ladies' room.
KRAMER
Yeah, yeah. It's being repaired.
Elaine is suffering with her neck. She rolls her head back and
feels the back of
her neck with her hand.
ELAINE
Oh. Oh God.
LLOYD
You alright?
Elaine stretches her back and neck, at the same time pushing
her upperworks into
greater prominence.
ELAINE
Ah, I sat too close to the screen. Oh.
I just gotta stretch out in a hot
bath. It was nice to see you again, Lloyd.
Elaine leaves. Kramer and Lloyd both stare after her.
(Street Outside Alex)
Elaine walks down the sidewalk, her blouse still open. A florist
is using a hose
to wash down the sidewalk in front of his store. Elaine carefully
steps by,
picking her way past. The florist also stares at Elaine's exposure.
A cop stands a little further down the street. Elaine approaches
him.
ELAINE
Officer. Officer, is there some reason
this man has to always be using a
hose? I mean, he's flooding the sidewalk. It's a waste of water.
Couldn't he
just use a broom?
The cop stares at Elaine's breasts the whole time she's talking.
COP
Lady, you sold me. (strides toward florist)
Hey, you with the hose.
Elaine looks confused about his attitude. She glances down, and
notices her
blouse wide open. She quickly pulls her coat closed, to hide
her embarrassment,
and hurries away.
(Jerry's Apartment)
Kramer is handing Jerry a pair of spectacles.
KRAMER
Yeah, put these glasses on.
JERRY
(taking them) Well, what's this for?
KRAMER
Yeah, well Lloyd, he's gonna be here
any minute now.
JERRY
So what?
KRAMER
Well, he thinks you wear those.
Jerry looks at the glasses with some distaste.
KRAMER
They're from the lost and found at the
Alex.
JERRY
Aw, c'mon Kramer, this is ridiculous.
I'm not gonna put these on.
KRAMER
Oh. Okay. So he'll just think that the
two of you didn't sit with him on
purpose. Ooh yeah, that's very nice. Very nice.
(Monk's)
George leans on the counter by the cash register, behind which
sits Ruthie
Cohen.
GEORGE
'scuse me. I uh, I was in here this
morning and uh, I believe I paid you
with a twenty dollar bill, (smiles) but you only gave me change
for a ten.
CASHIER
I don't think so.
GEORGE
Oh, I think so, and I can prove it.
You see, I was doodling on the bill
and uh, so if you have a twenty in there with big lips on it...
well, (smiles)
that's mine. Would you mind opening up the register?
CASHIER
Not unless you buy something.
GEORGE
Fine, I'll buy a pack of gum.
Lloyd approaches the register to pay for something. The cashier
rings up
George's purchase.
LLOYD
Hey George. Thought you didn't chew
gum?
GEORGE
I don't.
Ruthie opens the drawer on the register.
CASHIER
Take a look.
George goes round to the other side of the register and picks
up all the
twenty-dollar bills. He shuffles through them, examining them
for doodles.
GEORGE
I know I gave it to you.
LLOYD
George, would you mind. I'm kind of
in a hurry.
In addition to Lloyd, another customer is waiting to pay.
GEORGE
(frustrated) Fine. Fine. (to customer)
Excuse me. (heading for the door)
Think I'm gonna forget about this? I haven't forgotten about
this. I don't
forget that easily!
(Jerry's Apartment)
Jerry is reading a newspaper, and holding it in such a way as
to conceal his
face.
KRAMER
Hey, Jerry, look who's here.
Jerry folds over the top half of the paper, in order to see his
visitor. He also
reveals to all that he is wearing the spectacles Kramer gave
him earlier.
JERRY
Ah, Lloyd.
LLOYD
Hi Jerry. Got some more of that gum.
He proffers the packet to Jerry.
JERRY
(unenthusiastic) Oh, the gum.
KRAMER
Yeah, let's all enjoy a chew, huh?
JERRY
(still not happy) Uh, alright. (he takes
a piece)
KRAMER
Oh, boy.
Kramer and Lloyd sit on the couch. All of them start chewing
on the gum.
KRAMER
Now see, this is what the holidays are
all about. Three buddies, sitting
around, chewing gum, huh? Mmm, mmm, yeah. So uh, you know, Lloyd,
he thinks he
can get more of this.
Jerry makes a show of removing his glasses and cleaning them.
JERRY
Well, Lloyd's a very industrious fellow.
I'm sure he can accomplish
anything he sets his mind to.
Jerry puts his glasses back on.
LLOYD
Actually, the importer's right in Chinatown.
I'll introduce you to him,
you can get it whenever you want.
JERRY
's not necessary.
KRAMER
Hey, Jerry, you know, Lloyd wants to
do you a favour.
JERRY
I know that, Kramer.
LLOYD
Well, if you don't want to...
KRAMER
No, sure sure, he wants to. It's very
kind of you. Yeah, Jerry, he
appreciates it. Don't you, Jerry?
JERRY
Yes I do, Kramer.
LLOYD
So...
KRAMER
Yeah?
LLOYD
How about that Elaine today, huh?
KRAMER
Oh, baby, what was that all about, huh?
LLOYD
(to Jerry) She was practically undressing
in front of me at the theatre.
JERRY
I didn't see anything.
KRAMER
Yeah, you uh, really missed a show,
buddy. Wooh, ba-boom,
ba-boom-ba-ba-ba-boom-ba.
They continue to chew on the gum. Lloyd seemingly happily, Jerry
clearly not
liking it, and Kramer not liking it, but unwilling to show it
to Lloyd.
(Park)
George and Deena sit on a bench.
DEENA
You're probably wondering why I wanted
to see you again.
George clearly thinks he's clicked.
GEORGE
Well, you know. (grins, snorts) It's
understandable.
He pats Deena on the knee.
DEENA
I'm glad you feel that way. Because
since my father's breakdown I uh,
become very sensitive to the warning signs.
GEORGE
Warning signs?
DEENA
Nervousness, irritability, paranoia.
GEORGE
(disbelief) What? (laugh) Wh... what're
you talking about? I'm not the
one with the problem. (defensive) Lloyd Braun was in the nuthouse,
not me.
DEENA
Yet again, taking pleasure in the misfortunes
of others.
GEORGE
All my friends do that.
DEENA
George, I'm only trying to help...
George is staring past Deena at something a short distance away.
DEENA
I'm... I'm concerned. George? George,
are you listening to me?
GEORGE
You see that woman on the horse? (points)
Ruthie Cohen is passing by on horseback.
GEORGE
She stole twenty dollars from me. (getting
angry) Yeah, I might've
gotten it back, but Lloyd Braun interfered!
DEENA
So again it all comes back to Lloyd.
GEORGE
(rising to his feet) Hey! Hey, you!
(setting off after her) Come back
here!! Don't gallop away!!
George runs away, yelling after the retreating Ruthie Cohen.
(Monk's)
Jerry and George sit in a booth. There's a different cashier
on duty.
JERRY
So you say she was on a horse?
GEORGE
I'm telling you, that cashier is riding
horses on my money.
JERRY
Well, here's what I propose. Go down
to the stables, snoop around. See if
any high-flying cashier's been throwing twenty dollar bills around
with big
lips.
Elaine enters.
ELAINE
Hey.
JERRY
Well, if it isn't Chesty La Rue.
ELAINE
(sits beside Jerry) What?
JERRY
I was chewing gum with Lloyd Braun,
and he was bragging about the
peepshow you gave him at the Alex.
ELAINE
(laughing it away) Oh God. I lost a
button, so my blouse was wide open.
I musta left it at the theatre.
JERRY
Maybe it's in the lost and found.
ELAINE
Yeah, I know. I have to go check it
out. It's a beautiful button too,
you know. It's antique ivory. It was my mother's.
JERRY
You know, the way you were wolfing down
that popcorn, maybe you ate it.
Lobby)
Kramer greets a small elderly gent.
KRAMER
Mr Har-harwood. Well, what an unexpected
surprise to have you back at
the Alex Theatre.
HAARWOOD
Well I, I'm in a bit of a quandary.
I've misplaced my spectacles.
KRAMER
Well, let's look in lost and found,
shall we?
Kramer ducks behind the counter to retrieve the lost and found
box.
HAARWOOD
They're half-glasses.
Kramer pops his head up, a thought having occurred.
KRAMER
Brown?
HAARWOOD
Mmm, yes, yes.
Kramer places the cardboard box marked 'Lost and Found' on the
counter.
KRAMER
Uh, yeah. Ah, well if they're not in
the box, I'm sure they'll turn up
soon. Listen, could you keep an eye on the place? I wanna go
out and get some
paraffin wax, and bring out the lustre of this vintage countertop.
HAARWOOD
Certainly.
Kramer leaves. Haarwood begins to rummage through the contents
of the box. After
a few seconds, he finds something. He lifts it out for a closer
look. It's the
button Elaine dropped earlier.
HAARWOOD
Oh my goodness. What a spanking button.
Street Outside Alex)
George starts his car. It's still making unhealthy noises.
As he sits with the engine running, a car pulls up in the street
behind him. The
driver sounds the horn at George as he sits in his parking spot.
GEORGE
(glances in mirror) Alright. Alright.
The horn sounds again.
GEORGE
(getting annoyed) Hang on, it's warming
up!
The horn sounds several more times, impatiently. George has had
enough. He
climbs out of his car.
GEORGE
(angrily) Oh you mother...
George stalks round his car and up to the driver's window of
the car sounding
its horn.
GEORGE
Hey! What is your problem?
The driver rolls down the window, and we see Ruthie Cohen.
GEORGE
Oh, hello, it's you! (angry) Listen
lady, I got six minutes left on that
meter, and I'm not budging til you admit you stole my twenty
dollars. (smug)
Huh-hu-hur, you're not so tough when you're not on your horse,
are you Ruthie?
CASHIER
Your car's on fire.
The reflection of leaping flames can be seen in Ruthie's window.
George dashes
off back to his car.
GEORGE
Aah! Fire!
CASHIER
(after George) Merry Christmas!
Flames are coming from under the hood of the Le Baron.
GEORGE
(shouting) Fire!!
The florist is standing holding a broom. George rushes to him.
GEORGE
Your hose! Where's your hose?!
FLORIST
Cop made me disconnect it.
George grabs the broom from the florist, and begins beating at
the flames with
no effect. After a few seconds, the broom is alight.
(Street Outside Alex)
The whole front of George's car is burnt out. The plastic body
parts have melted
away. The hood is wide open, showing the devastation within.
George stands,
holding the charred remnants of the broom. He's staring catatonically
at the
damage. Kramer walks up and does a double-take at the sight.
KRAMER
Jeez! What happened to your car, buddy?
GEORGE
The Jon Voight car is no more.
KRAMER
Wow. Well, don't you sweat it. You can
use my car any time you want to.
GEORGE
No kidding?
KRAMER
No kidding.
GEORGE
Hey, thanks. I owe you a big one.
KRAMER
Yeah, merry Christmas.
Kramer walks on.
GEORGE
(staring at the wreck) Whatever.
Lobby)
Jerry is waiting. He's wearing the glasses from earlier.
JERRY
Alright, I'm here. Where's Braun?
KRAMER
What, he's not here yet?
JERRY
Look, I'll go downtown to Chinatown
with him, but that is it!
KRAMER
Listen, I'm gonna need those glasses.
Kramer reaches across and plucks the glasses from Jerry's face.
JERRY
Why?
KRAMER
They're Geoffrey Haarwood's.
Kramer rummages in lost and found, and brings out another pair
of spectacles.
KRAMER
(proffering) Here, try this pair.
Jerry puts them on. The lenses are much stronger than the first
pair - they're
like bottle-bottoms. He stares through them, his eyes magnified
hugely. It's
obvious he can't see at all clearly.
JERRY
Aw, these are really strong glasses.
He takes a step and almost trips over the counter.
LLOYD
Hey gum-buddy. Nice frames. You ready
to go?
JERRY
(lacking enthusiasm) Yeah, yeah.
KRAMER
(clapping Jerry on the back) Oh yeah,
he's all ready to go.
LLOYD
Anybody see Elaine today?
KRAMER
Oh yeah, she called a little earlier.
She's coming over to check out
lost and found.
LLOYD
Maybe I'll stick around and see what
she's wearing today. Or not wearing,
if you know what I mean.
They chuckle.
JERRY
Absolutely. Let's just stick around.
LLOYD
Ah, tell you what, they're expecting
us though. Lemme just grab a hotdog
here.
KRAMER
Uh, yeah.
Lloyd goes to the counter, and speaks to the attendant.
LLOYD
I'd like a hotdog, please.
The attendant looks to the machine, which contains one hotdog.
The appearance of
the article is not pleasant. It's wrinkled, shriveled, and generally
disgusting.
ATTENDANT
Are you outta your mind?
Hearing this, Kramer dashes over.
KRAMER
Wh...wh...wh... what's the problem here?
ATTENDANT
This hotdog's been here since the silent
era. You'd have to be insane
to eat it.
KRAMER
No, no, no, no, no. This man is not
insane. Now there's nothing wrong
with it or you.
LLOYD
Kramer, maybe...
KRAMER
No, no, no, no. I'll show you. (slams
a bill down on the counter) One
hotdog please.
ATTENDANT
(on your head be it) Okay.
KRAMER
Mmm, doesn't that smell good, huh?
The attendant hands over the hotdog.
KRAMER
Yeah, here we go, yeah. (he takes a
big bite) Mmm, oh. That's delicious.
Mmm. It's a perfectly sane food to eat. (he takes another bite)
As he chews, it begins to be apparent that all is not as it should
be with the
hotdog.
KRAMER
Uhm, interesting texture. It's chewy.
(he half-coughs, half-retches) I
gotta get, some air.
Kramer stumbles toward the exit, bits of half-chewed hotdog falling
from his
mouth.
(Street Outside Alex)
Kramer walks stiffly along the sidewalk. He's breathing heavily,
and loosening
his collar. He walks by the florist, who is brushing the sidewalk
again. As
Kramer passes George's car, his struggle with the rancid hotdog
ends with the
hotdog triumphant, and he leans into the gutter behind the Le
Baron and vomits
copiously. The florist looks rueful, leans his broom against
his door, and
fetches his hose, whilst Kramer continues his refunding.
Later)
The florist is hosing away the traces of Kramer's visit. Elaine
walks up to him.
ELAINE
Excuse me. 'scuse me, weren't you told
to stop using that hose?
FLORIST
How would you happen to know that?
ELAINE
Well, uhm... I...
FLORIST
(accusing) You're that lady that was
talking to the cops, aren't you?
ELAINE
Uh... I...
A voice calls from across the street.
VOICE
Hey, Joe!
The florist turns to see who's shouting. As he does, he raises
the nozzle of his
hose, so instead of hosing the sidewalk, he sprays Elaine.
ELAINE
No, wait! You're soaking me, you're
soaking me!
The florist notices what he's done and turns off the hose.
Lobby)
Jerry sits beside Kramer, who still looks unwell. Lloyd stands
comforting
Kramer. Elaine enters. She has removed her jacket, and is wearing
a wringing wet
t-shirt.
ELAINE
Hey. Hey everybody.
LLOYD
Whoah, Elaine! Once again, you've managed
to top yourself. C'mon Jerry,
let's go. Car's out front.
Lloyd leaves. Jerry stands and peers about himself through the
over-strength
glasses. All he can make out are vague blurred shapes.
JERRY
Lloyd?
He moves across the lobby, slowly, holding his hands out to feel
for obstacles.
JERRY
Lloyd?
Jerry leaves.
ELAINE
(exasperated) What is Lloyd's problem?
KRAMER
Look, honey, I know you're trying to
get Lloyd to notice you, but this
is too much. Parading around in a wet T-shirt.
ELAINE
Uhh, I got sprayed with a hose.
KRAMER
Yeah, well, I'm sorry, but the Alex
is a family theatre, not one of your
swing joints.
Elaine casts her eyes heavenward.
(Street Outside Alex)
The remains of George's car are being towed away. On the opposite
side of the
road, watching, are Deena and George.
DEENA
So, you want my father to pay for this?
GEORGE
You saw him. He was fiddling with the
engine. God knows what he did
there.
DEENA
And I suppose Lloyd Braun had something
to do with it too.
GEORGE
No, not Lloyd Braun. But the cashier.
DEENA
What cashier?
GEORGE
You remember the woman on the horse?
She wanted my spot.
DEENA
To park her horse?
GEORGE
No, she wasn't on the horse.
DEENA
So, your car caught fire because of
my father and the woman on the horse?
GEORGE
That's right.
Across the street, the florist is outside his store, arranging
flowers.
GEORGE
(points) And him!
DEENA
The man with the flowers?
GEORGE
Yeah, yeah, the flower guy. Listen,
I know this all sounds a little
crazy, but...
A car pulls up beside George and Deena. George looks in the window.
GEORGE
I can't believe it. Look, that's Jerry
Seinfeld.
DEENA
Who?
GEORGE
Jerry Seinfeld. My best friend. He can
explain all of this. (calls to
Jerry) Jerry.
Jerry hears his name called and turns his head, but all he can
see are blurry
colored shapes.
GEORGE
Jerry! Over here Jerry. It's me!
The car pulls away, leaving George calling after it.
GEORGE
Jerry, where y'going? It's... what're...
DEENA
(doubtful) That was your best friend?
GEORGE
Yeah, yeah, but he doesn't wear glasses.
DEENA
That man was wearing glasses.
GEORGE
I know. Don't you see. (emphatic) He
was doing it to fool Lloyd Braun!
(Lloyd Braun's Car)
Jerry and Lloyd have reached Chinatown. Lloyd parks the car.
LLOYD
I'll run in and get the gum.
JERRY
Alright.
LLOYD
Got any money?
Jerry digs his wallet out of his pocket. He opens it and extracts
a bill. He
peers at it, trying to work out what denomination it is, but
the glasses are
still too strong.
JERRY
(handing it over) Here.
Lloyd takes the bill, looks at it, smiles a little with surprise.
LLOYD
(climbing out of the car) I'll be back.
(Street)
George and Deena walk along together.
GEORGE
Look, Deena, I know you think I'm crazy,
but I'm not. This is just a
series of bad coincidences.
DEENA
I don't know, George. I don't know what
to believe.
GEORGE
Believe me, I am not crazy.
DEENA
Well, I guess it's possible.
(Lloyd Braun's Car)
Jerry sits waiting. Lloyd gets in. He has a stack of six boxes,
which he hands
to Jerry.
LLOYD
Here y'go.
JERRY
(indistinct) Got all this?
LLOYD
Yeah. A hundred dollar's worth.
JERRY
(incredulous) I gave you a hundred dollars?!
LLOYD
You sure did. Am I crazy, or is that
a lotta gum?
JERRY
It's a lotta gum!
(The Institute)
The room is festooned with props and costumes from old movies.
KRAMER
Mr Hararwood. Found your glasses.
HAARWOOD
Oh, splendid. Welcome to the Institute
for the Preservation of Motion
Picture Costumes and Wardrobe.
KRAMER
Ah, the I.P.M.P.C.W.
HAARWOOD
Well eh, we prefer to call it the Institute.
Kramer notices a particular costume.
KRAMER
Is that from Henry the Eighth?
HAARWOOD
Yes, yes, it is.
KRAMER
Well, you know, we're screening that
tonight at the Alex. Do you think
that I could wear that to promote the theatre?
HAARWOOD
Well, I... I'd love to lend it to you,
but I doubt if it would fit a
man of your impressive, Raymond Massey-like, physique. The only
person who could
really fit into this costume, would have to be a short, stocky,
man of somewhat
generous proportions.
KRAMER
(an idea occurs) You don't say.
(Street)
Kramer and George walk together. George is wearing the Henry
VIII costume -
doublet and hose, cloak, crown, etc.
KRAMER
You're really helping me out with this,
buddy. Kids are gonna be so
thrilled.
GEORGE
Yeah, yeah. You really cashed in on
that favor pretty quick.
KRAMER
Remember, you're a king, you must project
a Royal bearing.
GEORGE
(angry undertone) Oh, I'm gonna give
you a Royal bearing. Wait a minute,
wait a minute. Lemme get a pack of gum here.
He gets his wallet from under the cape, and goes to the window
of a kiosk.
GEORGE
(handing over a bill) Can I get a pack
of gum, please?
GUY
I beg your pardon, your majesty, but
we don't accept bills with lipstick
on
the president.
GEORGE
What? Huh, so I had it all along. How
d'you like that? (snorts) I guess
I owe that cashier an apology.
Deena is walking toward George and Kramer. She sees George in
his costume and
jumps to the obvious conclusion.
DEENA
Oh my God!
GEORGE
No, no. Deena, it's not what you think.
Deena turns and begins to walk away.
GEORGE
Th... this isn't mine.
George begins to walk after Deena, who accelerates to a trot.
GEORGE
I got it from the Institute. The Institute.
Deena breaks into a run, with George chasing her.
GEORGE
(shouting) Dee... Deena!
Lobby)
Kramer stands behind the counter, upon which Elaine leans. Mr
Haarwood enters.
KRAMER
Ahh, Mr Haarwood. Well, you certainly
know how to dress for a premiere.
HAARWOOD
Well, thank you. Uh, where is your friend
King Henry?
KRAMER
Oh, he ran away.
Lloyd enters.
LLOYD
Hey Kramer.
KRAMER
I need to talk to you.
Lloyd and Kramer go away to the side of the lobby, where they
go into a quiet
conversation. Elaine is peering over at Mr Haarwood, and in particular
at the
button he's wearing on his cravat.
ELAINE
You know, that button looks very familiar.
HAARWOOD
Yes, it, it, it's antique ivory.
ELAINE
I, I think that's my button. (wanders
over to Haarwood) You know, I've
been looking all over for it. Did, did you find it here?
HAARWOOD
Yes, it was in the lost and found.
ELAINE
Shall I undo it?
HAARWOOD
Oh yes, of course you can.
ELAINE
Oh, thank you.
Elaine moves very close to Mr Haarwood, and reaches under his
chin to remove the
button.
HAARWOOD
I'm a little ticklish.
ELAINE
Oh. (giggly) Tickle, tickle.
Kramer and Lloyd are both staring over at the sight of Elaine
tickling Mr
Haarwood under the chin, giggling, apparently flirting.
LLOYD
We've really gotta get the Elaine a
boyfriend.
KRAMER
Oh, tell me about it.
THE END
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