THE HANDICAP SPOT
Written by
Larry David
(At the comedy club)
JERRY
I have a friend who is about to get
married, they're having the bachelor
party and the
bridal shower on the same day... So it's conceivable that while
she's getting the lingerie, he'd be at
a nude bar watching a table dancer wearing the same outfit. That
is possible. But to me, the
difference between being single and being married, is the form
of government. You see, when you're
single, you are the dictator of your own life. I have complete
power. I can give the order to fall
asleep on the sofa with the TV on in the middle of the day, no-one
can overrule me! When you're
married, you're part of a vast decision-making body. Before anything
gets done there are meetings.
Committees have to study the situation. And this is if the marriage
works. That's what's so painful
ABOUT DIVORCE
you get impeached and you're not even
the president!
(Jerry's apartment)
GEORGE
Hey, is it my imagination, or do really
good looking women walk a lot faster
than
everybody else?
ELAINE
We don't walk that fast...
GEORGE
No seriously...
ELAINE
Seriously, we don't.
GEORGE
The better looking they are, the faster
they go! I mean, I see they out there
on the
street, they're zooming around, like a blur. Like they have a
motor on their ass.
ELAINE
(Yelling to Jerry in the bedroom) Hey
Jerry, come on, let's go. We're gonna
miss the
previews!
JERRY
What's the big hurry?
ELAINE
Hey, how are we gettin' to Scott Drake's
party on Saturday night?
JERRY
Oh, Drake's party, I forgot to buy a
present.
GEORGE
I gotta buy a present now?
ELAINE
Of course you do, it's an engagement
party.
GEORGE
It never ends, this present stuff! Engagement
present! Then they get married, you
gonna
have to get them something for that! Then the baby, there's another
present. Then the baby starts
getting their presents. I don't even like Drake.
JERRY
You don't like the Drake?
GEORGE
Hate the Drake.
ELAINE
I *love* the Drake.
JERRY
How could you not like the Drake?
GEORGE
Who's the Drake?
ELAINE
"Who's the Drake"?
JERRY
The Drake is good!
ELAINE
So listen, what are you gonna get him?
GEORGE
I haven't even met the fiancee! Whatever!
(Leaves for washroom)
JERRY
Elaine, look. I drew this triangle free-hand.
It's a doodle. It's perfect!
ELAINE
So what? That's easy.
JERRY
Easy?
(Kramer enters in his usual way)
ELAINE
Hi! Hey, have you gotten your present
yet for the Drake?
KRAMER
Uh, no, no, not yet.
JERRY
Do you like the Drake?
KRAMER
I *love* the Drake! I'm looking forward
to meeting the Drakette!
ELAINE
I'm lukewarm about the Drakette.
KRAMER
(Looking at Jerry's doodle) That's a
nice triangle...
JERRY
It's Isosceles
KRAMER
Ooh, Isosceles. I love the name Isosceles.
If I had a kid, I would name him Isosceles.
Isosceles Kramer.
ELAINE
Hey, you know what, maybe we should
all chip in for the gift.
JERRY
The chip-in!
ELAINE
Hey, a pretty good idea, huh?
JERRY
Yeah!
KRAMER
Yeah, the chip-in, defenitely!
JERRY
You know what, let's go to that mall
in Liberal(sp?) before we go to the
party. We'll have
to take your car, it's got the most room.
KRAMER
No, no! My car's not running.
(George enters the room from the washroom)
JERRY
What about your father's car?
GEORGE
No, no, no. Out of the question. I was
over there today. He's got the good
spot in front
of the good building in the good neighbourhood. I know he's not
gonna wanna move.
JERRY
Are you serious?
GEORGE
You don't know what that spot means
to him. Once he gets it, he doesn't
go out for weeks.
JERRY
How about this, you put your car in
the good spot, that'll hold the good
spot in front of
the good building, and we can get the good car!
GEORGE
Good thinking!
JERRY
Good to meet you!
(George's car)
ELAINE
So what are we gonna get him?
JERRY
We could get him anything we wanted,
we're chippin' in.
GEORGE
I like this area. I could live out here.
KRAMER
Yeah, we ought to all get a house and
live together.
JERRY
Yeah, that's a good idea. I'll tell
you what chuckles, I give you permission
to sublet my
room right now.
GEORGE
Look at this. There's no spaces here.
(to another car) Excuse me, are you
gettin' out?
MAN IN CAR
No!
KRAMER
Why don't you take a handicap spot...
GEORGE
You think?
ELAINE
No, no! We'll find a space. There's
spaces in the other lot.
GEORGE
I don't want to walk that far.
ELAINE
What if a handicapped person needs it?
KRAMER
Oh, come on, they don't drive!
JERRY
Yes, they do!
KRAMER
Have you ever seen a handicapped person
pull into a space and park?
JERRY
Well there's spaces there, they must
drive!
KRAMER
Well they don't. If they could drive,
they wouldn't be handicapped.
ELAINE
So if you can drive, you're not handicapped?
GEORGE
Look, we're not gonna be that long anyway...
we have to get to the "party"!
KRAMER
I got news for you: handicapped people,
they don't even want to park there!
They wanna be
treated just like anybody else! That's why, those spaces are
always empty.
GEORGE
He's right! It's the same thing with
the femenists. You know, they want everything
to be
equal, everything! But when the check comes, where are they?
ELAINE
What does that mean?
GEORGE
Yeah! Alright, I'm pulling in.
KRAMER
Yeah, go ahead.
ELAINE
George!
GEORGE
Oh, come on, it's five minutes.
(pulls into handicap spot)
KRAMER
Make sure we don't forget where the
car's parked.
(walking in the parking garage)
JERRY
Do you believe the deal we got on this?
A big screen TV? At that price?
ELAINE
What a sale, huh? And how about that
store, delivering it tonight? We're
gonna be swimming
in 'thank you's...
GEORGE
What did I get the veggie burger for?
You got a veggie burger, so I had to
get the veggie
burger, I'm allover crums...
JERRY
No-one's gonna have a better gift than
this big screen TV! Good for them, love
the Drake!
ELAINE
Got to *love* the Drake!
(sound of police cars)
JERRY
Hey, what's going on over here?
ELAINE
Must have been an accident...
(they turn the corner so they can see their car, surrounded by
a lot of people)
JERRY
(to a woman) Hey, what's going on?
WOMAN
Some jerk parked in a handicap spot,
so this woman in a wheelchair had to
wheel up this
incline, and half way up her batteries gave up, and she rolled
backwards into the wall. Taken her to
St. Elizabeth's...
JERRY
Is she OK?
WOMAN
I don't know. We're just waiting here
for the owner of this car to show up.
May not get out
alive! Thug! Taking up a handicap spot? He's gonna pay!
JERRY
Son's of bitches! Good luck finding
them... him... whatever. I'd like to
stick around and
get my hands on him myself, but I gotta take off.
(man hits George's car in rage)
GEORGE
How are we gonna get out of here? They'll
kill us!
ELAINE
(to George) Are you happy now?
KRAMER
Who would think these people we're gonna
be here?
JERRY
I don't know...
ELAINE
What about the party? What about the
Drake?
GEORGE
Screw the Drake!
JERRY
I love the Drake!
KRAMER
Let's just take a bus back to the city.
GEORGE
Can't leave the car here!
KRAMER
Why not?
GEORGE
It's my father's car!
EVERYBODY
Yeah! Yeah!
JERRY
Let's get out of here.
(coffee shop)
GEORGE
What are we gonna do? How are we gonna
get out of here?
JERRY
The thing is, even if we go back by
the car, and there's nobody there, how
do we know
they're not all hiding, waiting for us?
ELAINE
Well, they have to give up some time,
they can't stay out there all night?
JERRY
What are we, John Dillinger? How did
this get to be the crime of the century?
It's not like
we stuck a broomstick in her spokes and she went flying...
GEORGE
What I don't get is, just because the
battery is dead, you think she'd be
able to roll up
the hill with her hands!
KRAMER
You'd think...
GEORGE
I mean, batteries have gone dead before,
aren't they prepared for that?
KRAMER
Most of them don't even have batteries.
GEORGE
Must be one of those rich, spoiled handicapped
people, who didn't want to do any work,
and
just wanted to sit in her wheelchair and take it easy.
KRAMER
Yeah...
GEORGE
Well, I'm sorry!
ELAINE
Our big screen TV is probably arriving
right now...
GEORGE
How are we gonna get out of here? We
need a plan!
JERRY
I got it! (snaps his fingers) We give
the keys to Elaine.
ELAINE
Me?
JERRY
Yeah! You're a woman! Men don't hit
a woman!
ELAINE
Oh, they won't?
JERRY
Not if they don't know you...
ELAINE
I'm not going for this, Kramer should
go! It was all his idea!
KRAMER
No chance in hell!
JERRY
What if we created some sort of diversion?
What if we all went by the car and started
SCREAMING
"There he is, there's the guy that took
the handicap spot!" And then, when they
all run into
the other direction, we'll jump in the car!
GEORGE
That's good, we'll give it a try...
ELAINE
That's good...
JERRY
That doesn't work, we'll give 'em Kramer!
KRAMER
Huh?
(parking garage)
(the four of them approach George's car, which is smashed to
pieces)
JERRY
(as George picks up a broken piece of
his car) You know, a lot of these scratches
will buff
right out...
(George's parents' house)
FRANK
Eight years have I had this car. Not
a scratch on it! Eight years!
(Estelle is playing Mahjongh with the ladies)
FRANK
A beautiful Mercury! I special-ordered
that bench seat!
GEORGE
Dad, that other car cut us off! They
had swastikas all over it... They were
hurling racial
epiphates at us... I could have been killed!
ESTELLE
(to Frank) I told you not to give it
to him!
FRANK
(to George) You know, my insurance doesn't
cover this? The whole thing is a total
loss!
MAHJONGH LADY
Frank, the important thing is, he didn't
get hurt!
FRANK
No it isn't!
MAHJONGH LADY
So what are you doing now, Georgie?
GEORGE
I'm uh... writing a pilot for NBC...
FRANK
Where the hell is my paper?
MAHJONGH LADY
You're writing a pilot?
ESTELLE
With his friend, Jerry Seinfeld... the
comedian...
MAHJONGH LADY
So what's it about?
GEORGE
Well, Jerry's car gets hit and the other
driver doesn't have any insurance, so
the judge
sentences him to be Jerry's butler.
MAJONGH LADIES
This is the same situation! Frank, maybe
you ought to make him your butler!
(giggling)
ESTELLE
Every time you're with that Kramer,
something happens... He's a real trouble
maker!
GEORGE
Nah, he didn't have anything to do with
it...
ESTELLE
He's all together crazy, that one! Jerry?
I used to think was nice... I don't
know what
happened to him...
(Estelle wins at Mahjongh)
(Jerry's apartment)
(Jerry's on the phone with the Drake, Elaine is eating an Oreo
cookie)
JERRY
(to the Drake) So it was a good party,
huh? Oh... you're welcome, you're welcome...
(to
Elaine) They loved the TV, *loved* it!
ELAINE
Oh, yeah...
JERRY
(to the Drake) Oh, wait a second, I'll
ask her.. that's a great idea. (To Elaine)
Drake
wants to know if we want to come out to Minneolis this afternoon,
since we missed the partly last
night, to maybe get something to eat?
ELAINE
Sure!
JERRY
(to the Drake) Sure! ... Okay... Don't
worry, I'm taking MY car! ... okay...
okay, see you
later... bye...
JERRY
The Drake is great!
ELAINE
Hmm.. he's so nice! I'm really happy
for them.
JERRY
Yeah. Well, I don't know if I'm happy
for them, I mean I'm glad they're happy,
but,
frankly, that doesn't do anything for me.
(buzzer rings)
JERRY
Yes?
GEORGE
It's me.
JERRY
Come on up.
(Door opens, Kramer enters)
KRAMER
Hey. I just came from St. Elizabeth's.
JERRY
St. Elizabeth's Hospital? Why?
KRAMER
Well, the handicapped woman? I went
to see her.
ELAINE
You went to see her?
KRAMER
Yeah.
JERRY
Wow, what happened?
KRAMER
I'm in love.
JERRY
What?
KRAMER
Yeah, she is the most beautiful woman
I have ever seen. I love her Jerry,
I really love
her. I'm gonna ask her to marry me. She's got everything I've
always wanted in another human being.
Except for the walking.
JERRY
Oh, what's the difference, you don't
go out that much.
(George enters)
KRAMER
Ah, I'm glad you're here.
GEORGE
What?
KRAMER
Alright, now, we gotta go out. We gotta
buy a wheelchair.
GEORGE
A wheelchair? What for?
KRAMER
Well, you know I went to the hospital
today, and I saw the woman, you know,
and the
wheelchair is totalled, we gotta get her another one!
GEORGE
Doesn't she have collision?
KRAMER
George, I'm in love with her!
GEORGE
Well, my father works for the United
Volunteers, maybe he can get her one.
KRAMER
No! She needs it now!
GEORGE
What about these two? Aren't they gonna
chip in?
KRAMER
Well...
ELAINE
Hey, we told you not to park there!
GEORGE
Can't we just fix the old one?
KRAMER
Alright, alright. Fine George! Don't
chip in! But some day, we're gonna be
driving along,
we're gonna look out the window, and see her crawling along 5th
avenue! Is that what you want?
GEORGE
Alright, alright! We'll buy her a wheelchair!
Wheelchairs, engagement presents.. IT
NEVER
ENDS!
(at Surgical Appliances)
SALESMAN
This is out best model. The Cougar 9000.
It's the Rolls Royce of wheelchairs.
This is
like... you're almost glad to be handicapped.
KRAMER
So now, what's this got?
SALESMAN
Inductive joystick, dynamic braking,
flip-up arms, it's fully loaded. I put
Stephen
Hawking in one of these two months ago, he's lovin' it! It's
rated number one by Hospital Supply and
Prosthetic Magazine.
GEORGE
How much?
SALESMAN
6200.
GEORGE
Do you have something a little more...
less expensive?
(At the Drake's)
(The Drake opens the door, the Drakette is sitting on the couch)
JERRY AND ELAINE
Hey Drake! Hi Drake!
JERRY
Hey Alison! Hey, there's the TV, Elaine,
look at that!
ELAINE
My God this is fantastic! Tell me, were
you guys just blown away or what?
THE DRAKE
Oh yeah, yeah... it's fantastic...
(Jerry sits down next to Alison)
JERRY
I am gonna make good use of this! I'm
watching every superbowl here, every
big fight....
ELAINE
Oh man, there is nothing like a really
big TV, huh?
JERRY
So where're we eatin'?
THE DRAKE
Well, actually... Jerry...
ELAINE
I'm *really* hungry!
THE DRAKE
... we just broke up...
JERRY
When did this happen?
THE DRAKE
About 20 minutes ago... Hey, I am really
sorry about this guys... whew!
JERRY
Look at the picture on this thing...
ELAINE
Oh, cristal clear!
JERRY
They know how to make 'em...
(The Drake starts sobbing)
ELAINE
Are there any good Italian restaurants
around here?
THE DRAKE
Gagliano's... that's pretty good...
JERRY
Well... we should...
ELAINE
Get movin'...
JERRY
Yeah... Hey, Drake, what ever happens,
I am sure it'll be for the best.
ELAINE
Take it easy. Bye-Bye Alison!
(The Drake is sobbing again, Elaine takes the remote control
out the door then returns)
ELAINE
Oh, the remote! Okay, I'm just gonna
put it on top of the television...
(at Surgical Appliances)
SALESMAN
Alright, this one is about 8 years old.
Not a scratch on it, it was owned by
some lady
who only used it to go from the bathroom to the kitchen and to
feed her cat.
KRAMER
But this'll get you around?
SALESMAN
Oh sure, it just doesn't have any of
the thrills of the Cougar.
GEORGE
Like what?
SALESMAN
For example, your tremor-damping.
KRAMER
Now what's that?
SALESMAN
It helps to control the direction regardless
of the operator's tremors or spasticity.
KRAMER
Well, is it alright if I try it?
SALESMAN
Hop in!
(Kramer sits down, and likes it)
KRAMER
Oh yeah!
(Salesman is laughing)
SALESMAN
I tell ya...
(Kramer crashes into wheelchairs while trying to control his)
SALESMAN
When I see someone enjoying themselves
like that, it reminds me why I got into
this
business in the first place.
GEORGE
How much?
(Kramer crashes into some more wheelchairs)
SALESMAN
How about $240?
GEORGE & KRAMER
We'll take it!
(Jerry's appartment)
ELAINE
Drake gave her the TV?
JERRY
He gave her all the gifts; he felt guilty.
ELAINE
Well, she can't keep it, it's not fair,
that's *our* TV!
JERRY
I know it is!
ELAINE
Boy, I am really starting to dislike
the Drake!
JERRY
I hate the Drake! Maybe the whole thing
was a scam. Anybody can just get engaged
and get
presents and just keep them all. Maybe they're on their way to
Chicago tomorrow and do the whole
thing all over again.
ELAINE
They don't know anybody in Chicago.
JERRY
Don't worry, they'll make friends fast
with that nice TV.
(George enters)
GEORGE
Hey.
JERRY
Hey, guess what? The Drake broke up.
GEORGE
The Drake broke up?! That's fantastic!
Now we get the TV back! It'll help defray
some of the cost of the wheelchair.
JERRY
I don't know about defraying.
GEORGE
Why?
JERRY
We're not gettin' that TV.
GEORGE
What do you mean? The engagement is
off, we get the TV back. That's business.
ELAINE
The Drakette took it.
GEORGE
She can't take it. It's not hers, it's
theirs. Once there's no theirs there's
no hers, it
should be ours.
ELAINE
Well, she has it!
GEORGE
I *told* you the Drake was bad! I hate
the Drake!
GEORGE
Maybe we should call her.
ELAINE
Well, who's gonna call?
JERRY
You are.
ELAINE
What? Why is it me who always has to
do these things?
JERRY
Because that's your thing!
ELAINE
What? Calling people I hardly know,
and demanding they return expensive
gifts, that's my
"thing"?
JERRY
Yeah, that's your thing.
ELAINE
Alright, gimme the phone... it's my
"thing"...
(Elaine starts dialling)
JERRY
You know, I'm thinking about getting
a yo-yo.
GEORGE
Really?
JERRY
Yeah.
GEORGE
I could see that...
Hello?
ELAINE
Alison! Hi, this is Elaine...
I gave all the gifts to charity.
ELAINE
Oh, Okay... well thanks a lot... sorry
again about you and the Drake...
I hate the Drake.
ELAINE
Everybody does. Bye-bye....
(Elaine hangs up the phone)
ELAINE
She gave it to charity.
JERRY
Charity?!? That's apalling.
GEORGE
How could anybody be so selfish and
inconsiderate!
(Kramer enters)
KRAMER
Well, I gave her the wheelchair! You
should have seen the look on her face.
And then she
told me, that the old wheelchair, that wasn't any good anyway!
So you see George, the whole
incident was a God blessing! Yeah!
GEORGE
You mean a blessing in disguise?
KRAMER
Yeah....
(At George's parents' place)
LADY
And I would also like to personally
thank our gracious host Frank Costanza,
who has earned
the silver circle award and is our unanimous choice for the United
Volunteer Representative of the
Month!
(applause)
LADY
Due to his tireless effort, he personally
raised over $22,000. That's a lot of
wheelchairs!
(applause, door bel rings)
LADY
On behalf of the United Volunteers of
Greater New York, we thank you!
(Estelle opens the front door, two men walk in)
FRANK
Well... thank you very much!
COP
Mr. Costanza?
FRANK
Yes?
COP
You're under arrest.
FRANK
Under arrest? What for?
COP
Reckless endangerment of public safety,
and violation of traffic code 342-A.
FRANK
What's that?
COP
Parking in a handicap spot. Let's go...
FRANK
George! George!
(Jerry's appartment)
JERRY
Your father got arrested? For what?
GEORGE
Parking in a handicap spot. Right in
the middle of his United Volunteers
meeting. When he
got back, he chased after me with a baseball bat.
JERRY
Ho-ly!
GEORGE
Between the car getting totalled, the
towing charge and the fine, there's
no way I can
ever pay him back...
JERRY
So what are you gonna do?
GEORGE
I agreed to become his butler.
JERRY
What?
(Kramer enters)
JERRY
What's the matter?
KRAMER
It's over!
JERRY
What's over?
KRAMER
Me and Lola....
GEORGE
The woman we bought the wheelchair for?
KRAMER
Yeah, she dumped me!
JERRY
She dumped you?
KRAMER
She dumped me! She rolled right over
me! Said I was a hipster dufus. Am I
a hipster dufus?
JERRY & GEORGE
... no...
KRAMER
Said I'm not good looking enough for
her. Not good looking! Jerry, look at
me, look at my
face, huh, am I beautiful? George, am I beautiful?
GEORGE
...you're very attractive...
KRAMER
yeah... she says she doesn't wanna see
me again. Told me to drop dead!
JERRY
Drop dead?
GEORGE
Boy, even I never heard that one...
JERRY
She's pretty rough!
KRAMER
Yeesh-jip!
GEORGE
Well, we just blew 240 bucks on a wheelchair.
JERRY
240 bucks?
GEORGE
Well, it was slightly used...
JERRY
Used?
(cut to Lola rolling down a hill trying to use her brakes that
don't work, screaming)
(George's parents' place)
(George's vaccuuming)
FRANK
I don't think you did such a good job
on these...
(George turns off the vaccuum)
GEORGE
What!?
FRANK
You're supposed to your face there!
Do you see your face in there?
(Phone rings)
FRANK
Yeah? ...oh really?...oh... how about
that?... Right down a hill huh?
Okay! Alight! Bye!
(hangs up the phone)
FRANK
George, forget about the shoes. Want
you to do something for me (scribbles
something on a
piece of paper). This handicapped woman had an accident. Somebody
gave her a used wheelchair with
defective brakes.
GEORGE
Sons of bitches!
FRANK
Anyway, I want you to pick up this big
screen TV, and deliver it to her.
GEORGE
Big screen TV?
FRANK
Do you think you can handle it?
(At the Drakette's)
(knock on door, the Drakette opens)
ALISON
Yes?
GEORGE
Hi, we're from the United Volunteers,
we've come to pick up the TV.
ALISON
Oh great, it's right over there.
KRAMER
Ooh, it's a big one!
{All four inside a delivery van outside the mall)
GEORGE
Who's got the receipt?
ELAINE
I do.
GEORGE
Will they give us cash?
JERRY
That's their policy.
GEORGE
I hate this mall, there are never any
spaces here...
KRAMER
Why don't you park in front of the hydrant?
GEORGE
What if there is a fire?
KRAMER
What are the chances of that?
THE END
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