THE HEART ATTACK
Written by
Larry Charles
(Night club)
JERRY
You know, I tell ya, I gotta say that
I'm enjoying adulthood. For a lot of
reasons. And, I'll tell you reason number
one: as an adult, if I want a cookie,
I have
a cookie, okay? I have three cookies or four cookies, or eleven
cookies if I want. Many times I will intentionally ruin my entire
appetite. Just ruin it. And then, I call
my mother up right after to tell her that I did it. "Hello, Mom?
yeah, I just ruined my entire appetite.. cookies." So what if
you ruin.. See, because as an adult, we
understand even if you ruin an appetite, there's another appetite
coming right behind it. There's no danger in running out of appetites.
I've got millions of them, I'll ruin
them whenever I want!
(Scene ends)
(Jerry's apartment)
(Jerry's sitting on his couch in the dark, watching TV)
TV VOICE
(Germanic) Look, Sigmund. Look in the
sky. The planets are on fire. It is
just as you prophesied. The planets
of our solar system, incinerating. Like
flaming globes, Sigmund. Like flaming globes.. Ah, ha, ha, ha..
(Jerry's now asleep)
(Scene ends)
(Jerry's bedroom)
(Jerry's laying in his bed. He wakes suddenly, picks up a pen
and scribbles something down on a pad. He laughs, shakes his
head, then goes back to sleep, laughing
to himself)
(Scene ends)
(Coffee shop)
(Jerry looks tired. He's staring at a crumpled piece of note
paper. George takes out a cucumber from a bag in his pocket)
ELAINE
What do you got, a cucumber?
GEORGE
Yeah, so what?
ELAINE
You're bringing in an ouside cucumber?
GEORGE
They refuse to put cucumber in the salad.
I need cucumber.
JERRY
(Trying to read the note) What have
I done? I can't read this! Ful-hel-mo-nen-ter-val?
I got up last night, I wrote this down,
I thought I had this great bit.
(Tries to focus on the paper) Wait a second, wait a second..
"Fax me some halibut." Is that funny? Is that a joke?
ELAINE
No. Let me see that. (Takes the paper
from Jerry) Don't-mess-with-Johnny."
JERRY
Johnny? Johnny who? Johnny Carson? Did
I insult Johnny on The Tonight Show?
ELAINE
(Joking) Did you mess with Johnny, Jerry?
GEORGE
Let me see that. (Studies the note)
ELAINE
Hey, where's Kramer?
JERRY
I don't know. That's like asking "Where's
Waldo?"
GEORGE
(Still holding the note) I think I'm
having a heart attack.
JERRY
I don't think that's it.
GEORGE
I'm not kidding.
JERRY
What does that mean?
ELAINE
I think what he's trying to say is that
he's having a heart attack.
JERRY
Oh, he's having a heart attack.
GEORGE
Tightness..
JERRY
C'mon.
GEORGE
Shortness of breath..
JERRY
Oh, this is ridiculous.
GEORGE
Radiating waves of pain..
JERRY
I know what this is. You saw that show
on PBS last night, Coronary Country.
(To Elaine) I saw it in the TV Guide.
I called him and told him to make sure
and not watch it.
GEORGE
There was nothing else on. Oh, the left
arm.. the left arm.
JERRY
(To Elaine) He saw that show on anorexia
last year, and ate like an animal for
two weeks.
GEORGE
Why can't I have a heart attack? I'm
allowed.
JERRY
So what do you want? You want me take
you to the hospital?
GEORGE
Manhattan Memorial, less of a line.
JERRY
I'll call an ambulance. (Exits)
(A waitress approaches. George is dying, but the waitress doesn't
seem to notice)
WAITRESS
Is everything alright?
GEORGE
We'll just take a check. (She leaves
the check. George, in all his cheapness,
can't help but to review the check.
He finds an error) You made a mistake
on the..
ELAINE
George!
(Scene ends)
(Hospital room)
(George lies in the bed. He has EKG cups on his chest, a tube
up his nose, and an IV in his arm. The man in the neighboring
bed seems to be in pain)
MAN
Ooohhh... Argghhh..
GEORGE
Are.. are you okay?
MAN
Ooooooohhh..
GEORGE
I'm George.. George Costanza.. I've
never been in the hospital a day in
my life.. except when I had my tonsils
out. You know, they never gave me any
ice cream. I always felt that-
MAN
Shut up!
(Scene goes to Jerry. He's standing at the doorway, showing the
note to a nurse)
JERRY
Well? What do you think?
NURSE 1
"Salami, salami, bologna." Definitely.
JERRY
"Salami salami bologna"?
DOCTOR
(In a hurry) Oh, your friend's fine.
He didn't have a heart attack. I'll
be in - in a few minutes.
JERRY
(Sarcastic) What a surprise. (Enters
George's room overly sympathetic - leading
George to think that the Doctor told
Jerry something significant) Hey, how
ya doin' buddy? You need anything? Do you want me to go out and
get you a Superman comic?
GEORGE
No, no thanks.
JERRY
(Still going along with the practical
joke) You know, I was wondering.. You
know that Black Hawks jacket you have?
GEORGE
Oh, sure, my Black Hawks jacket. I love
my Black Hawks jacket.
JERRY
Well, you know, I was thinking - if
things don't exactly work out..
GEORGE
Well, it wouldn't fit you. The sleeves
are too short.
JERRY
No, I tried it on. It fits good.
GEORGE
Well, I didn't really think about what
I was gonna do with all..
JERRY
Well, you know..
GEORGE
(Reluctantly) Well, okay.
JERRY
Oh, and.. do you think it would be alright
if I called Susan Davis?
GEORGE
Susan Davis? (Getting possessive) Hey,
wait a second..
JERRY
Well, it's not like we'd be bumping
into you.
GEORGE
I don't know.. you and Susan Davis?
JERRY
You know, if your future was a little
more certain..
GEORGE
Okay, go ahead. Call her, get married,
have babies, have a great life.. What
do I care? I'm finished. (Really depressed)
It's all over for me. In fact, let's
end it right now. Jerry, kill me, kill me now. I'm begging you.
Let's just get it over with. Be a pal.. Just take the pillow
and put it over my face.
JERRY
Well, ah.. (Takes his pillow) What?
Kind of like this? (Violently smothers
George with the pillow. George freaks
out. He didn't think Jerry would actually
do it)
GEORGE
What are ya doing?! Whadya, crazy?!
(Elaine enters - she gets a clear shot of Jerry's jokingly trying
to kill George)
ELAINE
Jerry!
JERRY
(Acts like he was cought red-handed)
Elaine, what are you doing here? (Takes
the pillow off George, and puts it back
on his bed)
GEORGE
(To Jerry) Jerk off.
(Jerry goes over to Elaine)
JERRY
(Whispering) There's nothing wrong with
him. I saw the doctor. He's fine.
(They both go to George's bed. Elaine decides to go along with
Jerry's joke)
ELAINE
Hi, George. How ya feeling? Is anybody
getting your apartment?
(Jerry and Elaine both sit down, and have their own conversation.
They completely ignore George)
GEORGE
I'll tell ya, if I ever get out of here,
I'm gonna change my life. I'm gonna
do a whole Zen thing. Take up yoga,
meditate.. I'll eat right. Calm down,
lose my
anger.. (Sees Jerry and Elaine aren't listening. He snaps) Hey,
is anybody listening?!
(The doctor enters. Elaine and the doctor exchange an awkward,
romantic glance)
DOCTOR
(To Elaine) Uh, hello. (To George) Uh,
Mr. Costanza?
GEORGE
(Panicky) Uh, yeah. You know, Doctor,
I gotta tell you, I feel a lot better.
DOCTOR
Well, we looked at your EKG's, ran some
tests, did a complete work-up.
GEORGE
(Getting in a more panicked state) Oh
God, Mommy!
DOCTOR
And you simply haven't had a heart attack.
GEORGE
(Relieved) I haven't? I'm okay? I'm
okay? Oh, thank you, thank you, Doctor!
I don't know how to thank you.
JERRY
(Sarcastic) Hey, that was really fun,
George. Can we go home now?
DOCTOR
No, actually, we'd like to keep him
here overnight for observation, just
to be safe.
GEORGE
Oh, sure. Sure, anything. Can you believe
it? There's nothing wrong with me.
DOCTOR
Well, I wouldn't go that far.
GEORGE
(Starting to panic again) What? Oh my
God. What? Is it meningitis? Scoliosis?
Lupis?! Is it Lupis?!
DOCTOR
Have you ever had your tonsils taken
out?
GEORGE
My tonsils? Yeah, when I was a kid.
DOCTOR
Well, they've grown back. Your adenoids
are swollen too.
GEORGE
Really?
ELAINE
(Jokingly hits the doctor) Whose tonsils
grow back? (Laughs)
DOCTOR
It happens.
JERRY
Yeah, if you've been exposed to gamma
rays.
ELAINE
I still have my tonsils. Everyone in
my family has their tonsils. In fact,
we were forbidden to socialize with
anyone who didn't have their tonsils.
DOCTOR
That's interesting. Because, no one
in my family has their tonsils, and
we were forbidden to socialize with
tonsil people.
JERRY
(Sarcastically) Well, it's like the
Capulets and the Montagues.
GEORGE
(Drawing attention back to him) Excuse
me!
DOCTOR
Anyway, I strongly recommend they come
out.
GEORGE
What? You mean with a knife?
DOCTOR
Yes. With a knife. You know, snip, snip.
Anyway, you'd be completely under, you
wouldn't feel a thing. And when you
wake up, you can have some ice
cream.
GEORGE
(Angry) Yeah, that's what they told
me the last time.
DOCTOR
Think about it. (Turns to leave, but
runs into Elaine) Excuse me.
ELAINE
(Flustered) Oh, I'm sorry. (Doctor exits)
I just.. have to ask that doctor one
more question. (Leaves)
JERRY
Women go after doctors like men go after
models. They want someone with knowledge
of the body.. we just want the body.
(Kramer enters, eating off a tray of hospital food)
KRAMER
Hey.
JERRY
Hey.
KRAMER
Boy, they got a great cafeteria downstairs.
Hot food, sandwiches, a salad bar..
It's like a Sizzler's opened up a hospital!
(Sits and starts eating) So, how
did you have a heart attack? You're a young man. What were you
doing? Are they gonna do a zipper job? Oh, they love to do zipper
jobs.
JERRY
(Trying to shut him up) Kramer.
KRAMER
The really bad thing about the heart
is the sex thing. See, you gotta be
careful about sex now. You get that
heart pumping and suddenly, boom! Next
thing you know, you got a hose coming out of your chest attached
to a piece of luggage.
JERRY
Kramer, George didn't have a heart attack.
KRAMER
No? That's good.
GEORGE
I have to have my tonsils taken out.
KRAMER
Oh man.. No.. George, we gotta get you
outta here. Get out! Right now! They'll
kill ya in here.
JERRY
(Trying to calm George down) It's routine
surgery.
KRAMER
Oh yeah? My friend, Bob Saccomanno,
he came in here for a hernia operation..
Oh yeah, routine surgery.. now he's
sittin' around in a chair by a
window going, "My name is Bob" .. George, whatever you do, don't
let 'em cut you. Don't let 'em cut you..
GEORGE
Well, what should I do, Kramer?
JERRY
Well, for one think, don't listen to
him.
KRAMER
I'll tell you what to do, I'll tell
you what to do. You go to Tor Eckman.
Tor, Tor, he'll fix you right up. He's
a herbalist, a healer, George. He's
not just
gonna fix the tonsils and the adenoids, he is gonna change the
whole way you function - body and mind.
JERRY
Eckman? I thought he was doing time?
KRAMER
No, no, he's out. He got out. See, the
medical establishment, see, they tried
to frame him. It's all politics. But
he's a rebel.
JERRY
A rebel? No. Johnny Yuma was a rebel.
Eckman is a nut. George, you want to
take care of your tonsils, you do it
in a hospital. With a doctor.
KRAMER
He's holistic, George. He's holistic.
GEORGE
Holistic.. that sounds right.
JERRY
George, you need a medical doctor.
GEORGE
(To Jerry) Let me ask you something..
How much do you think it would cost
to have tonsils and adenoids removed
in the hospital?
JERRY
Well, an overnight stay in a hospital?
Minor surgery? I dunno, four grand.
GEORGE
Uh-huh. And how much does the healer
charge?
KRAMER
First visit? Thirty-eight bucks.
GEORGE
Oh, yeah? Holistic.. that's what I need.
That's the answer.
(Scene ends)
(Healer's apartment)
(Jerry and George are sitting on huge pillows on the apartment
floor. Kramers fiddling with an acupuncture model)
GEORGE
So, how do you like the way I talked
you into comin' down here?
JERRY
Don't flatter yourself, my friend. I'm
here strictly for material, and I have
a feeling this is a potential gold mine..
I still think you're nuts, though.
GEORGE
All I know is I've been going to doctors
all my life. What has it gotten me?
I'm thirty-three years old. I haven't
outgrown the problems of puberty, I'm
already facing the problems of old age. I completely skipped
healthy adulthood. I went from having orgasms immediately to
taking forever. You could do your taxes
in the time it takes me to have an orgasm. I've never had a normal,
medium orgasm.
JERRY
(Jokingly making fun of George) I've
never had a really good pickle.
GEORGE
Besides, what's it gonna cost me? Thirty-eight
bucks?
(Tor enters. He hugs Kramer for a long time, then walks over
to Jerry and George)
TOR
(To Jerry) Would you not put your foot
on that please?
JERRY
Sorry.
(Tor sits down, and turns tward George)
TOR
What month were you born?
GEORGE
April.
TOR
You should have been born in August.
Your parents would have been well-advised
to wait.
GEORGE
Really?
TOR
Do you use hot water in the shower?
GEORGE
Yes.
TOR
Stop using it.
GEORGE
..Okay.
KRAMER
I'm off hot water.
TOR
Kramer tells me that you are interested
in an alternative to surgery.
GEORGE
Yes, yes I am.
TOR
(Blows into George's face) I think we
can help you. See, unfortunately, the
medical establishment is a business
like any other business. And business
needs
customers. And, they want to sell you their most expensive item
which is unnecessary surgery.
GEORGE
(Still on the showers) Can I use hot
water on my face?
TOR
No. You know, I am not a business man.
I'm a holistic healer. It's a calling,
it's a gift. You see, it's in the best
interest of the medical profession that
you remain
sick. You see, that insures good business. You're not a patient.
You're a customer.
JERRY
(He thinks this, the audience can hear
his thoughts) And you're not a doctor,
but you play one in real life.
GEORGE
(Still on the hot water) What about
shaving?
TOR
(To Jerry) You're eating too much dairy.
(To George) May I? (Reaches over, and
touches George's face)
GEORGE
I guess so.
TOR
(Feeling George's face) You see, you
are in disharmony. The throat is the
gateway to the lung. Tonsillitis, adenoiditis,
is, in Chinese medical terms, and invasion
of heat and wind.
JERRY
(Again, we hear his thoughts) There's
some hot air blowing in here..
TOR
You know, I lived with the Eskimos many
years ago, and they used to plunge their
faces into the snow.
GEORGE
(Once again, still on the shower) Could
it be lukewarm?
JERRY
Too much dairy? You really think I'm
eating too much dairy?
(Scene ends)
(Doctor's car)
(The Doctor and Elaine are almost done with their date. the doctor
is speaking seductively to Elaine while holding out her tongue)
DOCTOR
..The tongue.. yes, the tongue.. or,
in medical terms, the glossa. It's a
muscular organ.. Consists of two parts..
the body, and the root.. You see, it's
covered by this mucous membrane.. These little raised projections
are the papillae, which give it that furry appearance. Very tactile..
(The Doctor is still holding her tongue)
ELAINE
Uh-huh.
(Scene ends)
(Healer's apartment)
TOR
(Pouring tea) Your tea is ready now.
This will solve your so-called tonsil
problem. It's a special concoction.
It contains crampbark.
JERRY
I love crampbark.
TOR
Cleavers.
JERRY
Cleaver, I once had cleaver as a kid.
I was able to lift a car.
TOR
And some couchgrass.
JERRY
Couchgrass and crampbark? You know,
I think that's what killed Curly.
(Tor hands George the tea. George isn't willing to drink it right
away. Jerry looks skeptical, Kramer, on the other hand, is enthusiastic)
KRAMER
Go ahead, drink it, George.
JERRY
Excuse me, Tor. May I ask you a question?
You have intuitive abilities. You're
in touch with a lot of this cosmic kind
of things.. I have this note I can't
read.
I was wondering if-
TOR
(Takes the note, then laughs when he
reads it) Oh, yes.. yes.. "Cleveland
117, San Antonio 109.. (Hands note back
to Jerry)
KRAMER
Go ahead, drink it, George.
GEORGE
(Takes a sip) Hey, it's not too bad..
(Scene ends)
(Ambulance)
(George's strapped down on a gurney. His face is purple, and
he's screaming. Jerry and Kramer are trying to calm him down.
The driver and the assistant in the
back are having a huge fight)
GEORGE
(In a state of hysteria) I'm an eggplant!
I'm an eggplant! I'm a minstrel man!
DRIVER
(To Assistant) I didn't take your Chuckle,
man!
ASSISTANT
I had five Chuckles. I ate a green one,
and the yellow one, and the red one
is missing!
DRIVER
I don't even like Chuckles!
JERRY
(To Assistant) Maybe he doesn't like
them. That's possible.
GEORGE
My face! My face! Get me to the hospital!
ASSISTANT
I want that Chuckle! You hear me?!
JERRY
(To Assistant) I'll get you a Chuckle.
You want me to get you a Chuckle?
ASSISTANT
(Angry, to Driver) Pull over!
DRIVER
Pull over? Did you say pull over?! You
want a piece of me?!
ASSISTANT
Yeah!
JERRY
You're gonna fight?
GEORGE
Now?! I'm a mutant!
KRAMER
(To Driver) Hey, let me drive.
ASSISTANT
Come on, man. Pull over!
DRIVER
Alright! I'm gonna mess you up, man!
(Ambulance comes to a screeching halt. Driver gets out, and the
assistant heads for the back door)
JERRY
(Pleading) Really, gentlemen, please.
GEORGE
My heart! My heart! (To Assistant) Where
you going? Are you crazy?!
ASSISTANT
I'm gonna kick his ass.
KRAMER
(To Assistant) Hey, you have keys?
GEORGE
You can't leave! This is an ambulance!
This is an emergency!
(The Assistant leaves. Jerry, Kramer, and George watch the two
fight)
JERRY
All this for a Chuckle.
KRAMER
What's a Chuckle?
JERRY
It's a jelly candy. it comes in five
flavors.
(Scene ends)
(Doctor's car)
(He's still holding Elaine's tongue)
DOCTOR
You see, taste buds run on grooves along
the surfaces.
ELAINE
Can you let go of my tongue now?
DOCTOR
What?
ELAINE
Let go of my tongue!
DOCTOR
(Lets go) Oh, sorry.
ELAINE
Well, I should get going.. (The Doctor
leans in for a kiss. Elaine stops him)
What are you doing?
DOCTOR
I was going to kiss you good night.
ELAINE
A kiss? With the tongue? The glossa
with the bumps and the papillae? ..Yech,
I don't think so. (Leaves)
(Scene ends)
(Ambulance)
(It's now moving. The driver's behind the wheel, but the assistant
is nowhere in sight)
JERRY
You just can't leave him out there.
DRIVER
I told him I was gonna mess him up.
KRAMER
Well, can you call him an ambulance?
DRIVER
I told him I didn't take his Chuckle.
I don't eat that gooey crap!
KRAMER
hey, watch the road! Watch the road,
man!
DRIVER
(Turns back, facing Kramer) Hey, man,
you want some of what he got?!
JERRY AND KRAMER
Watch out!
(The Ambulance crashes into something)
(Scene ends)
(Hospital room)
(George is in the bed, watching TV, wearing a neck brace. Jerry
enters limping and wearing a neck brace, also. He talks to George,
but George can't respond
verbally)
JERRY
How ya doing? (George nods) Can't talk?
(George shakes his head. Jerry gestures
to his brace) Hey, how'd you get the
plastic one? (George raises his
eyebrows) I like that. (George sticks his tongue out) So how's
life without tonsils? (George quickly indicates with his arm
that he wants ice cream) What? What's
that? ..So, how much is this thing gonna cost you now? Like,
five, six thousand?.. (George signals that it's more) Well, live
and learn.. at least we lived. Kramer went
to Eckman.. He feels better alreadyy.. (George motions for ice
cream again) What are you doing?
(Elaine enters)
ELAINE
Oh, poor George. Oh, I'm sorry, but
I can't stay long. I don't want to run
into Doctor Tongue.. Here, I brought
you something. (Takes out a pint of
ice
cream. George gets excited) Oh, please, come on.. it was nothing.
(Nurse enters)
JERRY
Hey, check the TV.
(The TV is showing the same exact movie Jerry was watching at
the start of the show)
TV VOICE
(Germanic) It's just as you prophesied.
The planets of our solar system, incinerating.
Like flaming globes, Sigmond. Like flaming
globes. Ah, ha, ha, ha..
JERRY
(Pulls the note out of his pocket) That's
it! That's it! Flaming globes of Sigmond!
Flaming Globes of Sigmond! That's my
note! tha'ts what I thought was so
funny?! ..That's not funny.. There's nothing funny about that.
(George throws the whole carton of ice cream over the separating
curtan)
MAN
Aaahhhgggg!
(Scene ends)
(Night club)
JERRY
I have a friend who's a hypochondriac,
always thinks he's sick - never is.
And they, you have another type of person,
always thinks they're well, not matter
how bad they really are. You know this type of person? Very annoying.
"Feel great.. like being on the respirator.. intravenous heart/lung
machine. I never felt better
in my life." Medical science is making advances every day in
control health problems. In fact, it's probably only a matter
of time before a heart attack, you know,
becomes like, a head ache. We'll just see people on TV going,
"I had a heart attack this big (Holds out hands, gesturing bigness)
..but, I gave myself one of these.
Clear! (Puts imaginary electrode panels to his chest) Brrhht..
and it's gone!"
THE END
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