THE JIMMY
Written by
Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin
(The New York Health Club. Jerry, Kramer and George are getting
dressed)
GEORGE
That guy was amazing, he could dunk
and he was my height...What
was his name again?
JERRY
Jimmy
GEORGE
Jimmy, right.
JERRY
I dunno how you could forget . He kept
reffering to himself in the
third person.
Jimmy's under the boards. Jimmy's in the open. Jimmy makes the
shot.
GEORGE
Ah! your just mad 'cause we beat ya.
KRAMER
Jerry it's my fault .I couldn't make
a shot. These losses they stay
with me. They (?) Jerry.
Now this is gonna plague me.( Puts on aftershave and cries out)
OH! Mother!!!
Jimmy walks in
GEORGE
HEY! JIMMY!!! ha ha ha........Great
game.
JIMMY
OH yeah.......Jimmy played pretty good.
GEORGE
Hey you know, I felt we had like a synergy
out there, you know, like we were really
helping each other.
KRAMER
What d'you got there?
JIMMY
These?
KRAMER
Yeah
JIMMY
These are Jimmy's training shoes.
GEORGE
Yeah, yeah yeah yeah! I've seen these.....they
sorta ..they make your legs..stronger.
JIMMY
Oh yeah! Jimmy couldn't jump at all
before he got these. Jimmy was like
you (looks at G.)
KRAMER
They're Plyometric.
GEORGE
Plyometric?
KRAMER
Yeah! They isolate the muscles. The
muscle has to grow....or die.
GEORGE
(to Jimmy) Wh...Where d'you get'em?
JIMMY
Jimmy sells'em.
GEORGE
You sell them?
JIMMY
Oh yeah! But Jimmy's all out right now.
Moving to Manhattan set Jimmy back a
bit.
GEORGE
Hey listen, let me give you my card.
It's got my home number on it. I want
to buy the first pair when the next
shipment comes in.
JIMMY
All right
GEORGE
All right Jimmy Good talking to ya.
JIMMY
Jimmy'll see you around.
Jimmy leaves.
GEORGE
What day is today?....Aw. ..Tuesday!
Damn it. I shouldn't have worked out
today. Mr Wilhem has called a big meeting
and now I'm gonna be sweating through
the whole thing.
JERRY
Why. You took a shower?
GEORGE
Aahhrgh...it wouldn't take. Ten minutes
from now, I'll be sweating all over
again, I can feel it. I'm a human heat
pump!
KRAMER
You should take cold showers.
GEORGE
Cold showers? They're for psychotics.
Kramer Well I take 'em........They give me a Whooooosh.
GEORGE
All right, I'll see you guys later.
JERRY
Aw right.
KRAMER
So, you're heading home?
JERRY
No...Got dental appointment.
KRAMER
Ah! what.. Tim Whatley?
JERRY
Yeah!
KRAMER
Oh yeah.! I got a check up on Thursday.
JERRY
Oh! How d'you like that?
KRAMER
You know.. You really shouldn't brush
24 hours before seeing the
dentist.
JERRY
I think that's eat 24 hours before surgery.
KRAMER
Oh no, you got to eat before surgery,
you need your strength.
Kramer leaves. Jerry is speechless.
SCENE TWO
Meeting at Yankee Stadium.
WILHEM
I called this meeting because we......have........a
problem. For
the last few months someone has been stealing equipment from
the
club. Until recently it's been little things, y'know; bases,
batting helmets, donuts, but two nights ago they pulled the big
one.
The camera goes back and forth from Wilhem to George who keeps
pulling on
his collar he's sweating.
WILHEM
They took a pitching machine, a batting
cage ,the in-field tarp and
all of Mr Steinbrenner's vitamins.. Now , we have reasons to
believe it's an inside job.
GEORGE
(still puffing)Whoa!!
WILHEM
If anybody here knows anything about
it I recommend strongly
that...you come forward.
Wilhem looks at George who's sweating so much it seems he's hiding
something.
Scene cuts to Tim Whatley's dental office.
RECEPTIONIST
Dr Whatley's running a little late.
If you'd like to take a
seat, I'll call you when he's ready.
JERRY
All right.
Jerry sits down and browses through the magazine on the table
and
discovers Tim has Penthouse magazines for patients to read.
Scene then switches to Jerry's apartment. Elaine is on the phone.
ELAINE
Oh! Okay. Right. Thanks Mr Pitt....'kay.
..goodbye.
ELAINE
(to Jerry) Hey ! You want to go see
The Velvet Fog.
JERRY
The Velvet fog?
ELAINE
Yeah! Mel Tormé, That's his nickname.
JERRY
What the hell his a velvet fog.
ELAINE
Do you wanna go or not?
JERRY
Well , where is it?.
ELAINE
He's performing at this AMCA benefit.
JERRY
AMCA?
ELAINE
Able Mentally Challenged Adults
JERRY
Naaaaaa...I can't watch a man sing a
song.
ELAINE
What are you..crazy?
JERRY
They get all emotional , they sway.
It's embarrassing.
ELAINE
Well, what am I gonna do for a date.?...Oh!
do you know that
..hemmm! blond guy who's always at the exercycle at the health
club.?
JERRY
I don't think so.
ELAINE
Yeah yeah! He's really handsome with
those...
JERRY
(interrupting) Elaine , I really don't...............pay
much
attention to men`s faces.
ELAINE
You can't find beauty in a man?
JERRY
No... I find them repugnant and unappealing.
Kramer bursts in
KRAMER
Hey!
JERRY
(pointing Kramer) To wit
KRAMER
What?
JERRY
No ,Elaine and I we're just discussing
whether I could admit a man
is attractive.
KRAMER
Hmm! Oh! Yeah. I'll tell you who is
an attractive man; Gorge Will.
JERRY
Really!
KRAMER
Yeah! He has clean looks, scrubbed and
shampooed and....
ELAINE
He's smart....
KRAMER
No, no I don't find him all that bright.
KRAMER
So you got any cavities?
JERRY
Just one....gotta go back.....Oh but
get this. Elaine, you will
appreciate this. I'm sitting in Tim Whatley's waiting room...He's
got a Penthouse right out on the table.
ELAINE
Penthouse?
JERRY
Yeah!!! What is that? I mean isn't that
sick. I mean , I'd be
embarrassed to have that in my apartment.
KRAMER
So what's wrong with that?
JERRY
(outraged) He's a doctor!.I mean it's
supposed to be like a sterile
environment.
KRAMER
So... Did you take a look?
JERRY
Of course.... But that's got nothing
to do with it.
KRAMER
Well I'll tell you I'm looking forward
to my appointment on
Thursday. I might even get there a few minutes early.
George comes in. Kramer walks out.
GEORGE
Hey
ELAINE
Hey! Hey! listen ... Do one of you guys
know that ..that blond guy
who's always on the exercycle at the health club. You know he's
just really handsome?..
GEORGE
(head down low) I...I wouldn't know
ELAINE
You know that just admitting a man is
handsome doesn't necessarily
make you a homosexual.
GEORGE
It doesn't help
ELAINE
All right, I'm gone
GEORGE
I'll see you.
GEORGE
(to Jerry) You know those shoes that
Jimmy had? I cut a deal with
him. We're gonna import a case of them together.
JERRY
What are you doing that for, you got
a job
GEORGE
There's a lot of money in this.. He's
got a proven sales method
JERRY
Yeah! What's that.
GEORGE
He jumps!
JERRY
Jimmy's got a record. Jimmy's jumping
for dollars. Jimmt and George
are gonna get rich.
GEORGE
Will you stop with the Jimmies
Kramer takes something out of the fridge
KRAMER
Hey! What's this?
JERRY
Kom Pau(sp?
Kramer tastes the chicken but realizes too late how hot and spicy
it his
KRAMER
(gasp_)......Kom Pau........
Elaine at the health club trying to attract the handsome blond
guy's attention.
ELAINE
(We hear what she thinks) Look at me....Look
at Mee!. Come on. I'm
stretching right in front of you. Heeeey!! ...a smile. Aah! we
made
contact, all right one more stretch and then go talk to him.
Hank leaves as she's ready to make her move. Elaine turns to
try to find
out where he could be and stops when she takes notice of Jimmy.
JIMMY
You know...Jimmy is pretty sweet on
you.
ELAINE
Aaaaaahhh! He is?!
JIMMY
Oh yeah!. Jimmy's been watching you....you're
just Jimmy's type.
ELAINE
AAaaaaahhh! Really?(giggles)
JIMMY
Jimmy's new in town. Jimmy hem ..doesn't
really know anyone.
ELAINE
Oh! well I'd like, like to get to know
him.
JIMMY
Jimmy would like to get to know you.
ELAINE
Ha....
Scene cuts to Tim Whatley's office. Kramer is in the chair.
WHATLEY
Hey! Kramer
KRAMER
Boy , you're looking sharp there Tim.
WHATLEY
Yeah Well....I do what I can. How've
you been.
KRAMER
Euh.. Fine , good , yeah! Just been
occupying myself with some of
your....hem reading material.
WHATLEY
So what'ill it be? Novocaine?
KRAMER
Oh yes, yes indeed.
WHATLEY
Why don't we just clear a path first.
KRAMER
yeah, yeah, lets do that.
WHATLEY
You remember Mr. Thirsty.
KRAMER
All right euhhm.....
Whatley puts the suction device in Kramer's mouth and loud suctions
sounds
are heard.
Scene then cuts back to the health club where Kramer is trying
the
vertical lift shoes.
JERRY
Ahh! You too with these?
KRAMER
(still under the effects of the Novocaine
slurrs his words heavily)
Yeah H'amon board.
JERRY
So what did Tim say?
KRAMER
Wellhum....He th'aid I gotta cut out
the SsssfKittles.
JERRY
Looks like he gave you some Novocaine
KRAMER
Ohhh H'am loaded.
JERRY
So what about the Penthouse. Did you
ask him?
KRAMER
Well he said that humm.. you know.that
it helps his pathients relax
JERRY
Adults only?
KRAMER
Yeah!!!
JERRY
What the hell's going on over there?
KRAMER
Well you know its.. great. You know,
no kids ..allowed. you don't
have to watch your language.
JERRY
You find you need to use a lot of obscenities
at the dentist.
KRAMER
He..he... When they pull that needle
out I let the expletives fly.
Kramer reaches for a glass of water and drinks but manages to
have it
spill out on to the floor
JERRY
Hey! Hey! Watch it.!... You're drooling
all over the floor. How
much Novocaine did that guy give you.
KRAMER
Well.. Aye can't hold the water.
Jimmy comes in dribbling.
JIMMY
Oh yeah!! ... Jimmy's ready.
KRAMER
Hey Jimmy
GEORGE
Ha..harrr.
JIMMY
Jimmy's got some new moves.
KRAMER
Go Jimmy
JIMMY
'Check Jimmy out
Jimmy slips on Kramer's puddle and falls on his back
JIMMY
Ooohhh!!!!! JIMMY'S DOWN.
Scene cuts then comes back with paramedics and Jimmy on a stretcher.
Paramedic (missing a few words) ......was gonna be in traction.
JIMMY
Jimmy might have a compound fracture..
Jimmy's going into shock!!
GEORGE
(angrily)WHY WEREN'T YOU MORE CAREFUL
WITH YOUR DROOL!
KRAMER
HEY I'M DOING THE BEST I CAN!!!
JERRY
Why are you taking this so personally?
George BECAUSE IF HE CAN'T JUMP. THERE GOES MY SNEAKER BUSINESS!!
KRAMER
(cries out) WELL I SAID I'M SORRY.
JIMMY
( as he gets taken out) JIM....JIMMY
WONT FORGET YOU KRAMER...
JIMMY HOLDS GRUDGES. LET JIMMY GO......
KRAMER
BUT I CAN'T FEEL ANYTHING.
Kramer is seen running down the street with his vertical lift
shoes. He's
trying to hail a cab.
KRAMER
HEY TAXI!!!.....TAXI!!
An elderly gentleman is after the same taxi.
KRAMER
Go ahead, go ahead you got it......(to
the driver) He's got it.
The man is looking him up and down, noticing the shoes and the
slurred
speech.
Deensfrei (slowly) Oh! Please, go ahead take it
KRAMER
No,No...You were here first.
Deensfrei No. No I..I insist. I'll grab the next one.
KRAMER
Lets share.. we share....Awight
Deensfrei Yes ! Splendid. That's a great idea.
Kramer bumps his head as he gets into the cab
DEANSFREI
My name is Arnold Deensfrei. What is
your name?
KRAMER
Eh!! Cosmo Kramer. Nice to meet you
Deensfrei Very nice to meet you Cosmo. Are you heading home?
KRAMER
(like rainman)Yeah! heading home.
Deensfrei Good for you.....You are really independant.
KRAMER
Yeaheum ... You're not doing too bad
yourself
In a sporting goods store, George tries to make a sale. He is
putting on
the shoes.
GEORGE
Argh!!..Anyway...Jimmy couldn't be here
today so he asked me to
fill in for him, and I'm sure that you'll be impressed at what
can
be accomplished after only a few short days of training.....yeah!
George tries three times to jump but barely lifts a couple of
inches off the
ground. The store personnel gets uninterested quickly and leave.
Scene cuts to Jerry's apartment.
KRAMER
(whose voice has returned to normal)THE
VELVET FOG!!!!
JERRY
What about the Velvet Fog ?
ELAINE
(as she comes in) What about the Velvet
Fog?
KRAMER
Well...He's singing at a benefit and
I'm gonna be sitting at his table.
ELAINE
I'm going to that!
KRAMER
I'm a guest of honor.
ELAINE
What are you talking about?
KRAMER
Well this afternoon I shared a cab with
this...a hum..Deensfrei.
ELAINE
Yeah, yeah! Arnold Deensfrei, he runs
the AMCA
KRAMER
Yeah! well ..that's the guy .He's organizing
the dinner.
ELAINE
I know that but why are you going?
KRAMER
Well, because we hit it off and he was
very impressed with what I do.
ELAINE
What you do!!. You don't do anything.
KRAMER
Well apparently I do something 'cause
I'm sitting at the head table with Mr.
Mel Tormé
Kramer sits on the couch and puts his feet up on the coffee table.
ELAINE
(pointing at the shoes) What are those?
KRAMER
Ehmm ..These are my vertical leap training
shoes.
JERRY
Wait a second ..Where you wearing those
shoes in the cab?
KRAMER
Yeah! yeah! right after I left the Y.
JERRY
Don't you see what's happened, he couldn't
talk , he's wearing
these shoes, he's drooling.
Kramer. What!!!
ELAINE
He thinks you're mentally challenged.
JERRY
Well...........you know.....
ELAINE
Well ,what happens when you show up
. He'll see that you're not.?
JERRY
Not necessarily because.....
Scene cuts back to Tim Whatley's dental office. Jerry is sitting
in the
chair.
WHATLEY
Sheryl, would you ready the Nitro(???)
please?
Whatley inhales the gas mask before handing it over to Jerry.
JERRY
Oh! where's Jennifer today?
WHATLEY
OH!! She's over at Dr.Cessman's office.
We find it fun to swap now
and then.
Cuts to Yankee Stadium. George is sitting at his desk eating
Kam Pau
chicken.
GEORGE
Whhhoooo!!!!(taps on his desk loudly)
Phone rings.
GEORGE
Arrrrrrgh!! .. It's George.. Oh! Sports
wholesaler. yeah. yeah. ..
thanks for calling back. No , no , no still got the shoes, still
got the shoes. Lots of them. This is.. beautiful athletic gear.
Wilhelm enters the office as George is talking on the phone.
He seems
suspicious.
GEORGE
.....Well. I'm sorry. Call you right
back.
WILHELM
So George. Have you heard anything about
the missing equipment?
GEORGE
No!...not...nothing.
WILHELM
George, there's nothing I hate more
than a liar.
GEORGE
Well...there's no room for someone like
that in this organization.
WILHELM
Are you feeling all right George?
GEORGE
Hemmm!.. Fine!
WILHELM
You look a little warm.
GEORGE
...It's the chicken
WILHELM
You're a terrible liar George. Look
at you, you're a wreck!.
you're sweating bullets.
GEORGE
It's the Kom Pau ... George likes his
chicken spicy.
Back in Tim Whatleys office..Jerry wakes up , his vision blurred.
He sees
Whatley and Sheryl getting dressed.
Scene cuts to Monks. Jerry and Elaine are talking.
ELAINE
....Maybe you were still under the gas.Maybe
you were hallucinating
you're coming out of the gas but you were still under the gas.
JERRY
I don't think so. I think they were
getting dressed and not only
that; my shirt was out!!!
ELAINE
your shirt was out?
JERRY
I think so.
ELAINE
Well, what kind of shirt was it.?
JERRY
You know! Like a tennis shirt.
ELAINE
Oh! Well ... You don't tuck those in?
JERRY
Sometimes I tuck'em sometimes I don't
ELAINE
Well. Were you tucked?
JERRY
I think I was tucked.!
ELAINE
All right then say you were. I mean
.. what do you think could have
happened.?
JERRY
I don't know but I was spitting out
and rinsing like there was no
tomorrow.
ELAINE
Ughhhh
JERRY
Is this guy a dentist or Caligula?
ELAINE
What are you gettin'?
JERRY
I don't think I'm hungry:
ELAINE
Okay...So you were violated by two people
while you were under the
gas. So What? You're single.
JERRY
But I'm damaged goods now.
ELAINE
Join the club.
JERRY
Hey, by the way, did you ever call that
guy from the health club.?
ELAINE
Oh yeah! Jimmy.
JERRY
Jimmy?
ELAINE
Ahum!
JERRY
That's the guy?
ELAINE
Yeah!
JERRY
Can't believe your going out with him...
ELAINE
Why?
JERRY
I dunno. He's so strange.'
ELAINE
How so?
JERRY
Did you notice he always refer to himself
in the third person.
Jimmy can dunk. Jimmy's new in town. Jimmy we'll see you later.
ELAINE
No No... That's not him. That's the
guy who gave me... Jimmy's
number.
JERRY
That's Jimmy. That's the way he talks.
ELAINE
I'm going to go see Mel Tormé with him?
JERRY
Jimmy's gonna put the moves on Elaine..
George comes in and sits down with them..
GEORGE
I have to go see Steinbrenner later.
Mr Wilhelm told him that I
was the one responsable for stealing all the merchandise.
JERRY
Why?
GEORGE
'Cause when he questioned me about it
I was sweating from the Kom
Pau..
JERRY
I don't know how you can eat that spicy
chicken,
GEORGE
George likes spicy chicken.
JERRY
What's that?
GEORGE
....I like spicy chicken
JERRY
No no you said George likes spicy chicken.
GEORGE
No I didn't
ELAINE
Yes you did you said George likes spicy
chicken..
JERRY
You're turning in to Jimmy.
GEORGE
George is getting upset..
Back at the health club Elaine meets Jimmy who is wearing crutches.
JIMMY
So what do you want to see Jimmy about?
ELAINE
Well.... (pointing at him) Jimmy!
JIMMY
Huh uh...
ELAINE
About tonight hum.. there's been a little
misunderstanding.
JIMMY
Ah! ... Jimmy doesn't like misunderstanding.
ELAINE
Yeah. What happened was....
JIMMY
Jimmy and misunderstanding kinda clash.
ELAINE
(suddenly intrigued) You know, I've
never heard anyone talk the way
you do. It's very unusual.
JIMMY
Well, Jimmy's very unusual.
ELAINE
Well anyway hum.... see when I made
the date, I thought that
Jimmy......
JIMMY
Hey look. Hank's got a new boyfriend.
Jimmy's not threatened by
Hanks sexuality ... Jimmy's happy for Hank.
ELAINE
Elaine once tried to convert one but
Elaine's not going through
that again.
Scene cuts to The Marriot for the benefit.
KRAMER
I'm going to try and find some candy.
You want some?
ELAINE
Yeah!
KRAMER
What kind?
ELAINE
I don't care:
Jimmy walks in
ELAINE
Hey Jimmy!!
JIMMY
I Elaine.
ELAINE
Elaine got a new dress.
JIMMY
Jimmy likes it.
KRAMER
There's no candy around here. hey! Jimmy.
JIMMY
Well look who's here.
KRAMER
Whooo!
JIMMY
That's the guy who sidelined Jimmy.
KRAMER
What!
JIMMY
That's the guy who took the bread out
of Jimmy's mouth. Jimmy's out
of work because of you..
Jimmy punches Kramer in the mouth.
JIMMY
Jimmy wants a piece of Kramer..(fighting
ensues and Jimmy gets
taken out by hotel security)
JIMMY
JIMMY'S GONNA GET YOU KRAMER!!. HANDS
OFF JIMMY!!. DON'T TOUCH
JIMMY!! LET GO OF JIMMY!!!
KRAMER
(Keamer's voice starts slurring again)
Yeah! My lips swollen?
Kramer sitting at the head table.
KRAMER
No No I've been living alone a long
time now.
MEL
Well I think that's the tops.
We cut back to Yankee stadium in George Steinbrenners office.
GEORGE
(knocks) You hem... wanted to see me
Mr. Steinbrenner?
STEIN
Yes George, come in ,come in.
You know George I've been your biggest supporter around here
and thats why I was so disappointed to hear that you been pilfering
the equipment.
GEORGE
George would never do anything like
that.
STEIN
'No why would I. I own it.
GEORGE
Right!
STEIN
So what are you saying?
GEORGE
Why would George steal from the Yankees?
STEIN
'He wouldn't.
GEORGE
'course not
STEIN
Exactly..................(mumbles) I
don't what the hell's going on here.
GEORGE
Sir?
STEIN
Nothing.
GEORGE
(energetically) Well seems it's about
time for George's lunch.
STEIN
Yes it is. Well lets see what I have
today. Darn it It's ham &
Cheese again and she forgot the fancy mustard. I told her I like
that fancy mustard. You could put that fancy mustard on a shoe
and
it would taste pretty good to me. oh! she made it up with a cupcake
though. Hey look at this . you know I got a new system for eating
these things. `I used to peel off the chocolate now I turn them
upside down , I eat the cake first and save the frosting for
the
end. (George stops listening and It's almost like its own
dessert.............
Scene fades and we go back to the AMCA benefit.
MEL
Ladies and gentlemen....I want to dedicate
this song to a very
courageous young man.
(starts singing)
When you're smiling, When you're smiling...
The whole world smiles with you...
When you're laughin', When you're laughin'
The sun comes shining through
But when you're crying, You bring on the rain
So stop that sign. Be happy again
Keep on smiling , 'cause when you're smiling
The whole world smiles with yooooouuuuuuu
The whole world smiles with (with Kramer)yooooouuuuuuu..
On the street Jerry and Kramer.
KRAMER
Hey! Got the new Penthouse
JERRY
Where's my Mr. Goodbar?
KRAMER
Ah! here here Listen...Dear Penthouse,
I want to tell you about an experience
I recently had. As an avid reader I've
always wondered if the letters (with
Jerry) are I'm a dentist and one afternoon
my hygienist and I decided to have a
little fun with one of our patients.
Of course none of our patients had any
idea exactly of what we were up to.
I was still wondering what if .........
(Jerry stops and seems bewildered)
THE END
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