THE KEYS
Written by
Larry Charles
(Comedy club)
So, I fly a lot. I like planes. I was on a plane the other day
and I was wondering - are there keys to the plane? Do they need
keys to start the plane? Maybe that's what those delays on the
ground are sometimes. When you're just sitting there at the gate,
maybe the pilot's just up there in the cockpit going (mimics
looking for keys) "Oh, I don't believe this. Oh my god...I did
it again." They tell you it's something mechanical, because they
don't want to come on the PA system..."Ladies and gentlemen,
we're going to be delayed here on the ground for a little while,
I uh...Oh God, this is so embarrassing...I - I left the keys
to the plane in my apartment." You see the technicians all running
underneath the plane; you think they're servicing it, but they're
actually looking for the magnet "hide-a-key" under the wing..."maybe
he left it up there somewhere..."
OPENING SCENE
Jerry's apartment in the middle of the
night. Jerry comes out of his room.
We hear his thoughts.
JERRY'S BRAIN
What is it about sleep that makes you
so thirsty? Do dreams require liquid?
It's not like I'm running a marathon,
I'm just lying there.
(Jerry notices his door is open.)
JERRY'S BRAIN
What the hell...? Why is the door open?
(Jerry looks out into the hallway, turns back into his apartment,
and runs into Kramer in the dark. They both scream. Kramer turns
on the light.)
JERRY
Kramer, what are you doing here!?
KRAMER
Jerry, now calm down, it's okay. I'm
sorry. I didn't want to wake you up!
Y'know, I was watching "Thirty Seconds
Over Tokyo," and I - y'know, I wanted
to get some popcorn, and I, uh...I used
the spare keys that you gave me to come
into your apartment to get your popper.
JERRY
You scared me!
KRAMER
It's just me.
JERRY
That's enough!
KRAMER
Forgot the popper... (goes to the kitchen,
grabs the popper, drops the lid, juggles
it around, then exits.)
New scene. Jerry's apartment, daytime. We hear Jerry hurriedly
trying to get in the door.
JERRY
C'mon...c'mon...
(Jerry enters, sheds his jacket, drops his luggage and heads
for the bathroom. He opens the door to find Kramer taking a bubble
bath in his tub.)
JERRY
Kramer! What are you doing?!
KRAMER
What does it look like I'm doing? What?
JERRY
Get out! Get out of the bathroom, I
gotta go!
KRAMER
Alright, alright...
JERRY
C'mon!
KRAMER
Sorry.
JERRY
Move it! Move it! Get going!
KRAMER
My drain's all clogged up! (Comes out
of the bathroom in a towel, covered
in soap suds.)
JERRY
Is that my towel?
(Kramer loses the towel in the hallway and throws it on Jerry's
floor from the other side of the door.)
New scene. Jerry's hallway at night. Jerry approaches his door
with a girlfriend.
GIRLFRIEND
I'm really happy the movie was sold
out.
JERRY
Hey, did you ever pretend there's like,
murderers chasing you, and you try and
see how fast you can get your keys out
and get into your apartment?
GIRLFRIEND
I'm from Witchita, so...
JERRY
Oh. I see. There he is! (Pretends the
murderers are coming.)
GIRLFRIEND
Hurry, Jerry! He's coming! Hurry!
JERRY
The murderers! (Jerry unlocks his door
and they both run inside.)
GIRLFRIEND
That was close!
JERRY
Did you see the look on that guy's face?
GIRLFRIEND
You were so fast with those keys. (They
prepare to kiss, but are interrupted
by Kramer and his girlfriend coming
out of Jerry's bedroom, laughing and
horsing around.)
JERRY
Kramer! What the hell are you doing
here?!
KRAMER
Hey, Jerry! How are ya? I thought you
were going to the movies.
JERRY
All right, that's it. Hand 'em over.
KRAMER
What?
JERRY
What, you know what, the keys. I want
the keys. You've lost your key privileges.
KRAMER
Oh, come on!
JERRY
No, come on!
KRAMER
What, what, I thought you went to the
movies!
JERRY
It was sold out!
KRAMER
Now how was I supposed to know it was
going to be sold out?
JERRY
That's the point.
KRAMER
What point?
JERRY
Just, look, just give the keys.
KRAMER
Just give me another chance!
JERRY
Don't ask me!
KRAMER
I'm asking you!
JERRY
I'm telling you.
KRAMER
You're joking.
JERRY
I'm serious!
KRAMER
It's not going to happen again!
JERRY
Yes it will, now give me those keys!
(Jerry and Kramer begin struggling over the keys. Kramer loses
his footing and falls on the floor, taking his girlfriend down
with him.)
KRAMER
O.K., fine, go ahead, you take the keys!
But you're going to regret this. (He
angrily storms out. Kramer then re-enters
seconds later when he realizes he's
left his girlfriend in Jerry's apartment.)
New scene. Jerry's apartment, the next day. Jerry is now giving
his spare keys to Elaine.
JERRY
So put 'em in a safe place.
ELAINE
I will.
JERRY
Where?
ELAINE
I don't know. I'll hide 'em. So, is
Kramer upset?
JERRY
I think so. I mean, he's acting really
weird lately...he's different.
ELAINE
Well, maybe you should just give him
the keys back.
JERRY
I can't.
(There's a gentle knock at the door.)
ELAINE
Is that Kramer? (Jerry nods.)
JERRY
Who's there?
KRAMER
Uh, Kramer. (Jerry opens the door, Kramer
enters. Elaine waves at Kramer with
the keys in her hand.) Oh, hi...uh...you
got the...
ELAINE
Oh, I'm not, uh...
KRAMER
No, no, no, it's o.k. I don't care about
the keys. It's my fault. I gave the
keys away with my stupidity. I broke
"the covenant of the keys."
ELAINE
Jerry, give him the keys back.
JERRY
Elaine...
(Elaine tries to give the keys to Kramer, but Jerry won't let
her. Jerry and Elaine begin struggling over the keys. Kramer
breaks it up.)
KRAMER
I don't want the keys back! No, I'm
glad the way things turned out. I was
clingin' to those keys, man! Like a
branch on the banks of a raging river.
And now I have let go. And I'm free...to
go with the current. To float. (To Jerry)
And I thank you.
JERRY
Take the keys.
KRAMER
I don't want the keys! (Jerry tries
to force the keys on Kramer, but Kramer
refuses.)
JERRY
O.K.!
KRAMER
Now, one more thing - I would like my
keys back.
JERRY
Your spare set?
KRAMER
That's right.
JERRY
You want 'em back?
KRAMER
Yeah. Yeah, I think it would be for
the best.
(Jerry takes a huge ring with hundreds of keys on it out of his
drawer, and hands it to Kramer. Kramer begins going through them.)
New scene at the coffee shop. Kramer is now giving the huge keyring
to George.
GEORGE
Gee, Kramer, I uh...I don't know what
to say.
KRAMER
Say yes! Yes, George. Yes!
GEORGE
Should I give you my keys, is that the
transaction, trading keys...? Because
Elaine has my keys.
KRAMER
Well, you can get 'em back.
GEORGE
I suppose I could.
KRAMER
Because you see, George, having the
keys to Jerry's apartment? That kept
me in a fantasy world. Every time I
went over to his house, it was like
I was on vacation. Better food, better
view, better TV. And cleaner? Oh - much
cleaner. That became my reality. I ignored
the squalor in my own life because I'm
looking at life, you see, through Jerry's
eyes. I was living in twilight, George.
Living in the shadows. Living in the
darkness...like you.
GEORGE
Me?
KRAMER
Oh, yeah. I can barely see you, George.
GEORGE
Alright, stop it Kramer, you're freakin'
me out. (The waitress comes over.)
WAITRESS
Hi, are you ready to order? (George
tries to order, but Kramer interrupts.)
KRAMER
Do you ever yearn?
GEORGE
Yearn? Do I yearn?
KRAMER
I yearn.
GEORGE
You yearn.
KRAMER
Oh, yes. Yes, I yearn. Often, I...I
sit...and yearn. Have you yearned?
GEORGE
Well, not recently. I craved. I crave
all the time, constant craving...but
I haven't yearned.
KRAMER
Look at you.
GEORGE
Aw, Kramer, don't start...
KRAMER
You're wasting your life.
GEORGE
I am not! What you call wasting, I call
living! I'm living my life!
KRAMER
O.K., like what? No, tell me! Do you
have a job?
GEORGE
No.
KRAMER
You got money?
GEORGE
No.
KRAMER
Do you have a woman?
GEORGE
No.
KRAMER
Do you have any prospects?
GEORGE
No.
KRAMER
You got anything on the horizon?
GEORGE
Uh...no.
KRAMER
Do you have any action at all?
GEORGE
No.
KRAMER
Do you have any conceivable reason for
even getting up in the morning?
GEORGE
I like to get the Daily News!
KRAMER
George, it's time for us to grow up
- and be men. Not little boys.
GEORGE
Why?
KRAMER
I'm goin' to California. You know, I
got the bug.
GEORGE
Yeah, I think I got a touch of something,
too.
KRAMER
No, the acting bug. Ever since I was
in that Woody Allen movie.
GEORGE
"These pretzels are making me thirsty"?
That was one line! You got fired!
KRAMER
I know, I know, but man! I never felt
so alive! Now, are you coming with me?
GEORGE
Uh, no, I'm not.
KRAMER
Alright, suit yourself. But let's keep
this between us - we're key brothers
now. (Gets up to leave.)
GEORGE
You're not really gonna go to California,
are you?
KRAMER
Up here, I'm already gone. (Kramer exits.)
New scene, Elaine's apartment at night. George is picking up
his spare keys from Elaine.
GEORGE
Anyway, so he gave me his spare keys,
now he wants to have my keys, so I need
mine back from you.
ELAINE
Just 'cause you have his keys? Why does
he need yours?
GEORGE
I don't know. He said he wants to be
my "key brother."
ELAINE
That's ridiculous.
GEORGE
That's Kramer.
ELAINE
I'll give you back your spare keys -
but now I want mine back.
GEORGE
What for?
ELAINE
'Cause. I'll give 'em to Jerry.
GEORGE
Jerry? Why?
ELAINE
'Cause he gave me his.
GEORGE
So what?
ELAINE
So, if he has my keys, I should have
his.
GEORGE
Well, I don't see why if you have his,
he should have yours.
ELAINE
I just said the same thing to you.
GEORGE
What?
ELAINE
What?
GEORGE
Alright, listen, I'll give you your
spare keys, but I don't have them with
me. Can I please have mine to give to
back to Kramer?
ELAINE
Yeah, O.K. I'll go get 'em. (George
begins to leaf through papers on Elaine's
counter.) What are you doing? Would
you just put that down? (Takes the papers
away from George.) I gotta get some
new friends.
New scene, Jerry's apartment the next day.
JERRY
Did you bring the keys?
GEORGE
Yes, but I still don't feel right about
letting you into Kramer's apartment
without his permission.
JERRY
This could be an emergency!
GEORGE
You never should have taken away his
keys!
JERRY
I tried to give 'em back, he wouldn't
take 'em. (Jerry and George go out into
the hallway to Kramer's apartment.)
GEORGE
How'd the Mets do?
JERRY
They lost.
(Jerry and George open Kramer's door and poke their heads in.)
JERRY
Kramer?
(Newman walks up behind them.)
NEWMAN
Hello, boys.
JERRY
Hello, Newman.
NEWMAN
You lookin' for someone?
JERRY
Don't play coy with me, Newman, I'm
not in the mood!
NEWMAN
Coy? I'm not being coy.
JERRY
Is he being coy?
GEORGE
Yeah, coy.
JERRY
You're being coy. Now where's Kramer,
Newman?
NEWMAN
Who?
JERRY
Listen, Tiny. I wanna know where Kramer
is and wanna know now!
NEWMAN
Alright, go ahead and hit me, Seinfeld.
I got witnesses.
JERRY
Turn around, George.
GEORGE
Sure. (Turns around.)
NEWMAN
George?
JERRY
Now, you better tell me where Kramer
is, or are we gonna have to do this
the hard way? (Hits wall with his fist.)
NEWMAN
Help! Help!
JERRY
Where's Kramer?
NEWMAN
HELP! (Elaine enters.)
ELAINE
What's going on?
(Newman grabs Elaine and hides behind her.)
NEWMAN
They're gonna beat me up!
GEORGE
No we're not.
JERRY
We're trying to find out what happened
to Kramer.
NEWMAN
You wanna know what happened to Kramer?
I'll tell you what happened to Kramer.
He was ticked off. About the keys. Yeah,
that's right - about the keys. Thought
he got a bad rap.
JERRY
Bad rap?
NEWMAN
Yeah. From you.
JERRY
Me?
NEWMAN
You heard me. So he packed it up and
split for the coast. La-La Land. L.A.
JERRY
L.A.?
(Cut to Kramer in his car on the highway, listening to rock music.
The car's engine starts to fail, then stalls. Kramer can't believe
it.)
Commercial break.
New scene, Jerry's apartment at night (Jerry's at the window,
George and Elaine are on the couch).
JERRY
I never should have taken his keys away.
But he drove me to it! I had no choice!
He wouldn't take 'em back. Elaine, you
saw it, remember? I said, 'Take the
keys back.' He wouldn't do anything.
You saw it, didn't you see it?
ELAINE
Yeah, yeah, I saw it. (mutters under
her breath) I mean, it's complete bullsh*t.
JERRY
Huh?
ELAINE
What...?
JERRY
No, what'd you say?
ELAINE
Nothing. I didn't say anything.
JERRY
Oh, you didn't see it.
ELAINE
Yeah, I saw it. I saw it! I did, I saw
it. Yep.
JERRY
I heard you say something, there.
ELAINE
I didn't say anything.
JERRY
I'm calling Kramer's mother. (Picks
up the phone, dials.) (To Elaine) I
don't know what you said. But it was
something. I heard something. Hello?
Hello, Mrs. Kramer? Mrs. Kramer? Could
you turn the music down? Could you turn
the music down!
GEORGE
Ask her about Kramer.
JERRY
She's drunk out of her mind.
(Cut back to Kramer with his car broken down on the side of the
highway. He tries to thumb a ride.)
New scene, Jerry approaching his apartment door. He tries to
unlock it, but realizes Elaine has his keys. Jerry goes to the
coffee shop to call Elaine.
JERRY
Elaine? Are you there? It's me, I'm
locked out of my apartment, I need my
spare keys. Where are you? I'm at the
coffee shop.
New scene. Kramer's managed to hitch a ride on the back of a
motorcycle.
KRAMER
Hey! You ever been in an accident?
BIKER
About five years ago. I was going down
this very road. Same time of day, going
about the same speed I'm going now...there
was a rock in the road. Couldn't have
been more than a pebble. Never really
saw it! Lost control of the bike, went
flyin' about a hundred feet - came down
right on my head. Cracked it wide open!
Blood and stuff was just splattered
all over the road, there...I broke every
bone in my face. Hey, you know, when
they found me, my eyes were hanging
out of their sockets? Yeah, they pronounced
me dead at the scene. I was in a coma
for...well, they told me about a year...said
I'd be a vegetable for life. Yeah, but
I showed 'em. Ever since then I always
wear a helmet! (The biker goes into
a turn.) Lean! (Kramer yells.)
New scene. Jerry in a booth at the coffee shop waiting for George.
George enters, spare keys in hand.
JERRY
Georgie Boy! Way to come through with
the keys! Sit down, I'm buying you dinner.
GEORGE
Look, I gotta tell ya...I been thinkin'
about it, I just don't feel right about
letting you into Elaine's apartment.
JERRY
Don't feel right? What are you talking
about?
GEORGE
Well, you know, I shouldn't have let
you into Kramer's, now you want to go
into Elaine's...she entrusted me with
her spare keys, how can I just let you
in?
JERRY
What is the big deal?
GEORGE
Just because you have someone's spare
keys, it doesn't entitle you to break
into their apartment. That's the reason
you took away Kramer's keys.
JERRY
First of all, you're not even supposed
to have Elaine's keys. You're supposed
to give 'em back to her, so she can
give 'em back to me, because she has
mine. So technically, those are my keys.
GEORGE
Yes, well, if you had never taken your
keys back from Kramer, he never would
have taken his back from you and given
'em to me, in which case I wouldn't
have had to take mine back from her.
JERRY
Well, I want those keys. (Tries to grab
the keys from George.)
GEORGE
Nope, no can do.
JERRY
George, give them to me, I want these
keys. (They struggle over the keys.)
I don't want to get physical!
GEORGE
Do you wanna fight?
JERRY
Do you wanna fight?
GEORGE
I'll fight ya! Not the face! Not the
face! (The struggle continues.)
New scene. Kramer's managed to hitch another ride, this time
with a van full of drugged-out hippies. Kramer is telling them
a story as they go down the road...
KRAMER
And then, the evil ogre took back the
magical keys from the handsome young
prince.
HIPPIE #1
Oh no. He didn't take back the keys,
no way.
KRAMER
Yes! And then the handsome young prince
was cast out into the cruel, cruel world.
HIPPIE #1
Oh man, what a bummer. That ogre dude's
pretty cold, huh?
KRAMER
Oh, he's cold.
HIPPIE #1
Lemme tell you something, Kramer. If
that ogre dude pulled that crap on me
(pulls out a knife) - I'D STAB HIM!
I'D CUT HIM IN HALF! I'D GUT HIM LIKE
A FISH, MAN! That's what I'd do!
KRAMER
Yeah, yeah...that'd be funny. (To driver)
Hey, you can drop me here!
HIPPIE #1
Hey, what's the rush, man?
KRAMER
Well, you know, I gotta be goin' now.
HIPPIE #1
Hey, Kramer - have you ever killed a
man?
KRAMER
What do you think, junior? You think
these hands have been soakin' in Ivory
liquid? (mimics choking somebody)
HIPPIE #2
Don't leave, Kramer, stay with us. You
know so much about the world, we need
you, please Kramer! (they all start
chanting) Please, Kramer! Please, Kramer!
(Scene ends with Kramer trying to escape
their clutches.)
New scene, Elaine's building at night. Jerry and George approach
Elaine's door, still arguing about the keys.
JERRY
Don't you see? You're just avoiding
the middle man. You were gonna give
her her spare keys, so she was gonna
give 'em to me. So, all that's happening
is that instead of giving them to her,
you're giving them to me. It's just
unfortunate that when she gave you yours,
you didn't give her hers. 'Cause then
she would have given 'em to me, because
she has mine. So then I would have never
had to ask you for hers, so that I could
get mine.
GEORGE
You're right, how did I miss that? (Begins
unlocking the door, mutters under his
breath) Maybe because it's a crock of
sh*t.
JERRY
What's that?
GEORGE
Nothing.
JERRY
I heard something.
GEORGE
Didn't say anything. (They go into Elaine's
apartment.)
New scene. Kramer's managed to hitch yet another ride, this time
with a woman driving an eighteen-wheeler.
KRAMER
So, how long you been drivin' this thing?
WOMAN
Goin' on four years.
KRAMER
Well, nothin's sexier than a woman behind
the wheel of a semi.
WOMAN
Nothin'? (They exchange a glance, then
laugh.) Listen to you, you're quite
the sweet-talker.
KRAMER
You know, I always wanted to drive the
big rigs. I used to watch those commercials
during the reruns of Gomer Pyle.
WOMAN
You want to give it a try?
KRAMER
Really?
WOMAN
Do you know how to double-clutch?
KRAMER
Yeah.
WOMAN
Well, come on! (They trade places and
Kramer gets behind the wheel. Kramer
turns out to be really rusty on the
ol' double-clutch.)
New scene, Jerry and George in Elaine's apartment looking for
Jerry's spare keys.
GEORGE
They were in here, I saw her put 'em
in here!
JERRY
Well, this is great.
GEORGE
Well, what do they look like?
JERRY
They look like keys, George. They look
exactly like keys. (In disgust) "What
do they look like."
GEORGE
Well, they're obviously not here.
JERRY
Well, they've gotta be here somewhere.
GEORGE
Jerry, unless I pull down on this statuette
and a hidden wall opens up, we have
checked every square inch of this apartment!
JERRY
What is this? "Murphy Brown"?
GEORGE
What?
JERRY
By Elaine Benes?
GEORGE
What?
JERRY
Elaine's writing a "Murphy Brown"?
GEORGE
Lemme see this. (Tries to grab the papers.)
JERRY
Wait a second! (They fight over the
paper.)
GEORGE
Gimme half!
JERRY
All right, here!
GEORGE
Why didn't she tell us?
JERRY
Elaine is writing a sitcom...! (Elaine
enters the room behind Jerry and George.
Jerry spots her and tosses his half
of the script at George. George throws
it back and paper goes flying everywhere.)
ELAINE
You weasels!
JERRY
What? What?
ELAINE
How dare you!
GEORGE
We hardly read anything!
JERRY
It was funny!
ELAINE
Who gave you permission to come into
my house and just go through all my
things? You thought it was funny?
JERRY
Well... (picks up some of the pages)
From what I saw...
ELAINE
Well, it's just a first draft!
JERRY
I was locked out of my apartment, I'm
just trying to get my keys.
ELAINE
Why did you let him in?! (Shoves George.)
GEORGE
He forced me to!
JERRY
I did not!
GEORGE
Yes you did!
ELAINE
You! Get out! Get out! Get out!
JERRY
Elaine, wait! I need my spare keys!
ELAINE
Here! Here's your damn keys, you keep
'em! I don't want 'em anymore!
JERRY
Good!
ELAINE
And I want my keys back from you!
GEORGE
What, you don't want me to hold your
keys?
ELAINE
No, you can't be trusted!
GEORGE
Alright, alright, fine. (Gives the keys
to Elaine.)
JERRY
And I don't want you to hold mine!
ELAINE
Good! I won't!
JERRY
Good! Don't! Are these my keys?
ELAINE
These aren't my keys!
GEORGE
Whose are these?
ELAINE
I don't know!
(Meanwhile, Kramer's finally made it to Los Angeles. He's shown
roller-skating through traffic, and nearly running over some
guy on a scooter.)
Commercial break.
New scene, Jerry and Elaine watching "Murphy Brown" in Jerry's
apartment.
ELAINE
I just thought I could write it.
JERRY
Is that something you want to do?
ELAINE
I don't know. Those writers make a lot
of money.
JERRY
Elaine, let me tell you something about
show business. It's hard work! You don't
just write a "Murphy Brown." You gotta
watch the show, study it, get a sense
of the characters, how they relate to
each other.
ELAINE
O.K., can I just watch the show? (mutters
under her breath) God, what an asshole.
JERRY
What did you say?
ELAINE
I didn't say anything.
JERRY
I heard something. (Looks at the TV)
Elaine, Elaine! It's Kramer! Kramer's
on "Murphy Brown"!
ELAINE
Kramer's on "Murphy Brown"!
JERRY
Look, there he is, he's sittin' at the
desk!
(Cut to the screen of Jerry's TV.)
CANDICE BERGEN
Hi, I'm Murphy Brown, you must be my
new secretary.
KRAMER
Oh, good morning, Miss Brown.
CANDICE BERGEN
And you are...?
KRAMER
Oh, I'm uh, Steven Snell.
CANDICE BERGEN
Snell. Well, hello, Mr. Snell.
KRAMER
Steven.
CANDICE BERGEN
Steven. Are you familiar with this computer
system?
KRAMER
Oh - I'm familiar with it.
CANDICE BERGEN
Steven Snell? I know people...and I
have a very good feeling about you.
THE END
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