THE LETTER
Written by
Larry David
(Nina's art studio. Kramer is posing for Nina (Jerry's current
girlfriend.)
NINA
(laughing) Kramer, would you hold still?
I can't do this if you keep
moving.
KRAMER
You sure you don't want me to take my
clothes off? (beat) I'll do it!
NINA
No, that's the last thing in the world
I want you to do.
KRAMER
Well, why don't you take your clothes
off?
NINA
I don't know... I don't think Jerry
would like that.
KRAMER
(debonair smile) Well, it'd be our little
secret.
Jerry's apartment)
GEORGE
(bursting out of the bathroom, fumbling
with his fly) Button fly!
Why do they put buttons on a fly? It takes ten minutes to get
these
things open!
JERRY
I like the button fly.
GEORGE
(incredulous) What?
JERRY
That is one place on my wardrobe I do
not need sharp interlocking
metal teeth. It's like a mink trap down there. (beat) What are
you
doing today?
GEORGE
Nothing.
JERRY
I have to go meet Nina. Want to come
up to her lot, check out her
paintings?
GEORGE
I don't get art.
JERRY
There's nothing to get.
GEORGE
Well, it always has to be explained
to me, and then I have to have
someone explain the explanation.
JERRY
She does a lot of abstract stuff. In
fact she's painting Kramer
right now.
GEORGE
What for?
JERRY
She sees something in him.
GEORGE
So do I, but I wouldn't hang it on a
wall.
Nina's studio again--same scene)
KRAMER
Are you getting the eyes? 'Cause they're
brown. (beat) Or, really,
they're dark brown, like rich, Columbian coffee.
NINA
Tell me about Elaine.
KRAMER
She and Jerry were a big thing, like
Abe Lincoln and Mary Todd.
NINA
But, they're still friends.
KRAMER
Oh yeah, they're like this (holds up
two fingers together).
NINA
Don't you think that's strange?
KRAMER
Why, what's the difference?
NINA
Well, are you still friends with any
of your ex-girlfriends?
KRAMER
Well, you know... I, uh... have many
relationships.
the door outside Nina's studio)
GEORGE
You know, I'm a little nervous.
JERRY
Why?
GEORGE
Well, you know... the friend meeting
the new woman. I feel like I'm
getting fixed up for a friendship.
JERRY
I don't know how long this is gonna
last.
GEORGE
Really? I thought you liked her.
JERRY
I do... she's got like a jealousy thing.
She doesn't like me having
fun with anyone but her. (knocks on the door)
GEORGE
You know, it's a miracle you're not
married. (beat) Hey, I'm not
obligated to buy anything, am I?
(Nina opens the door)
JERRY
Hi, Nina. (smooch) This is my friend
George.
NINA
How nice to meet you, I've heard a lot
about you. (George nods)
JERRY
(walking over to where Kramer is posing)
Hey, look at this guy!
KRAMER
Yeah!
JERRY
(to Nina) I brought George up to see
some of your paintings.
NINA
Oh, are you interested?
GEORGE
(looking uncomfortable) Um... yeah!
Sure, sure I'm interested.
KRAMER
George, you gonna buy a painting?
GEORGE
(gritting teeth) Yeah, sure.
NINA
Are you an art-lover?
GEORGE
I am an art-adorer! I adore art.
NINA
Great! Well, take a look around. Pick
out something you like.
(George reluctantly begins to look around, while Jerry strolls
over to
the painting-in-progress (Kramer) and picks up a brush.)
JERRY
May I? (pantomimes making a big "X"
across the painting)
NINA
(laughing) Get outta here! (beat) Here,
play with this. (hands
Jerry a small white envelope)
JERRY
What's this?
NINA
My father gave me four tickets to the
Yankee game for Saturday
afternoon. Owner's box, first row behind the dugout.
JERRY
(sincerely disappointed) Oh, Saturday...
I'm working, I'm going
out of town.
NINA
Oh, well. I'm not gonna go without you.
Do you guys want 'em?
KRAMER
(immediately) Yeah.
JERRY
They're right behind the dugout, George,
first row!
GEORGE
Behind the dugout, are you kidding?
How did you get them?
NINA
Oh, my father's the Yankees accountant...
it's the owner's box.
GEORGE
All my life I've dreamed of sitting
front row, behind the dugout!
NINA
(gesturing towards a small, ugly painting
George was apparently look-
ing at and happens to be holding) You like that one?
Saturday, the game. George, Kramer,
and Elaine are being lead
to their seats)
GEORGE
Look at where we are! (referring to
the seat usher) He's not
stopping! He just keeps going and going and going! (the usher
abruptly stops at the second row) We're not in the first row?
USHER
No, no, these are your seats.
GEORGE
She said first row! Right behind the
dugout!
ELAINE
Well, it's the second row. It's just
as good.
GEORGE
I was all primed for the first row;
I was gonna put my feet up
on the dugout!
ELAINE
Would you shut up? These are great!
You can't get any better than
this.
GEORGE
Oh, there's better, (pointing at the
row in front of them) right
there, that's better.
KRAMER
Right. (Elaine giggles) Oh boy... okay,
who wants a dog? (Kramer
hands out the hot dogs)What a great day!
ELAINE
I could've been at my boss' son's bris
right now.
GEORGE
(amused) You're supposed to do that?
ELAINE
(shrugs) Yeah. (beat) What makes you
think anyone would want to
go to a circumcision?
GEORGE
I'd rather go to a hanging.
ELAINE
Anyway, I called him back... I told
him I had to go visit my father
in the hospital in Maryland. (George laughs)
KRAMER
(screaming at the players on the field)
YOU BETTER CATCH IT,
JOHNNY, 'CAUSE THIS AIN'T PHILIDELPHIA!!
(a man approaches the trio)
MAN
George?
GEORGE
Yeah?
MAN
Hi. I'm Leonard West, Nina's father.
GEORGE
Hi! Mr. West, this is my friend Elaine--
ELAINE
Hi!
KRAMER
(screaming again) HEY, 230 AIN'T GONNA
CUT IT IN THIS TOWN, BABE!
GEORGE
--and this is Kramer.
KRAMER
Oh, hey.
(the Yankees make a good play, the crowd applauds)
WEST
So how are the seats?
GEORGE
Okay.
ELAINE
Great, great.
KRAMER
Yeah.
WEST
George, I heard you bought one of Nina's
paintings.
GEORGE
Yeah, it's being framed right now. I
don't even know what it costs.
(beat) Not, uh, too expensive, is it?
WEST
Well, if you have a lot of money.
(Yankees make a horrible play, the crowd responds)
WEST
(leaving) Well, enjoy the game. (beat
-- to Elaine) I think you
better take off that Orioles cap.
ELAINE
(thinking he's joking) Yeah. I better!
WEST
No, no, no. Seriously. You're in the
owner's box, and I don't
think it's a good idea.
ELAINE
You're not serious.
WEST
Yes, yes, yes, I am!
ELAINE
Well, did he say that?
WEST
No, no, but he gave me the seats. I
don't think he'd like it if
you wore an Orioles cap.
ELAINE
Well maybe you should ask him!
WEST
I don't have to ask him! Now are you
gonna take the hat off or
not?
ELAINE
No! I don't have to take it off, why
should I take it off? This
is ridiculous!!
GEORGE
Just take the cap off.
ELAINE
George, we are at a baseball game! This
is America!
WEST
Look. Either you take the cap off, or
you'll have to leave.
ELAINE
Well, I don't care, I'm not taking it
off.
GEORGE
Just take the cap off!
ELAINE
No!
(a fight starts between Elaine and George; Elaine ends up taking
off
GEORGE'S hat, and throwing it onto the field... West calls security
over, they proceed to remove Elaine)
KRAMER
Hey! Just wait a minute. We just got
here!
GEORGE
(to Elaine) Do you want us to go with
you?
KRAMER
(getting up) I'll go get your hat, George.
ELAINE
(sarcastically, to George) Stay!
GEORGE
Okay, we'll go!
(meanwhile Kramer is climbing over the dugout retrieve George's
cap... the
camera cuts to the field where the batter hits a pop fly to where
Kramer
IS
the ball knocks him squarely in the
head, he falls off the dugout onto
the crowd)
END OF ACT 1
=============================================================================
ACT 2
(Jerry's apartment--day)
ELAINE
...and then the ball hits him in the
head and he falls right over
the railing!
JERRY
Is he okay?
ELAINE
Well, yeah, he's fine! We took him to
the emergency room, and you
know, the x-rays were all negative. (beat) It was quite a day!
JERRY
This is the most amazing story I've
ever heard--why did he want you
to take off the baseball cap? That is so insane!
ELAINE
I know! Can you imagine that?
(Kramer enters with a bandage wrapper around his forehead)
JERRY
How you feeling?
KRAMER
Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine.
(beat--holds up newspaper) Hey,
we made the paper. Eh? Look at this- page 2, sports section...
we're
all in the picture.
ELAINE
Wha- a picture?
KRAMER
A picture.
ELAINE
OUR PICTURE'S IN THERE??
KRAMER
Uh-huh.
(they all crowd around, looking at the picture)
ELAINE
(gasps) I cannot believe this!
JERRY
(pointing) There's George!
KRAMER
Yup, yup!
ELAINE
Ohmygod! Lippman could see this! He
thinks I was visiting my father!
Oh my g-I make up one little white lie and they put my picture
in
the paper!
Lippman's office. Lippman is at his
desk, Elaine enters.)
ELAINE
Hi, Mr. Lippman.
LIPPMAN
How's your father?
ELAINE
My, my father?
LIPPMAN
Yeah. You, you went to see him, right?
ELAINE
Yeah.
LIPPMAN
Uh-huh.
ELAINE
I went to visit him.
LIPPMAN
Uh-huh. So, what was wrong with him?
ELAINE
Well, you name it, uh, neuritis, uh,
neuralgia...
LIPPMAN
But--but he's feeling better now?
ELAINE
Um, yup. Yes, yes, it just... such a
miracle, um. My visit must have
buoyed (Elaine says "boyed") his spirits.
LIPPMAN
(correcting her) Boo-eed.
ELAINE
What--what did I say?
LIPPMAN
You said "boyed."
ELAINE
I did?
LIPPMAN
Yeah.
(Elaine starts to laugh hysterically, and at the same time discreetly
removes
Lippman's sports section from his desk. She manages to maneuver
it into her
lap, out of sight.)
LIPPMAN
Well, I got a plane to catch.
ELAINE
Oh! Where are you going?
LIPPMAN
Going to Houston. It's a publisher's
convention. (beat) Can I have
my sports section?
ELAINE
Ah. ...Yeah.
LIPPMAN
I've been saving it for the plane. I
never miss the Sunday sports
section.
ELAINE
There's nothing to read, it's just yesterday's
news. You know, the
Yankees won, the Mets lost, Ricky Henderson's unhappy...
LIPPMAN
Right, right. (starts to take the paper
from Elaine's hand; Elaine
holds on tight.) What, what are you doing?
ELAINE
Wha-- oh! (noticing her hand) Oh, god!
(laughs) That is the THIRD
time today I have done that! BLAAAH! (laughs again) Grabbing
news-
papers... I'm just tugging at 'em... (laughs)
LIPPMAN
Gotta go.
ELAINE
Okay! Well, you know, have a nice trip,
and uh... alrighty! (beat)
I'll just hold down the, uh, fort!
Nina's studio. Mr. and Mrs. Armstrong
are admiring Nina's "Kramer.")
MRS.ARM
I sense great vulcrability. A land child
crying out for love, an
innocent orphan in the post-modern world.
MR. ARM
I see a parasite.
MRS.ARM
A sexually-depraved miscrient, who is
seeking to gratify only his
most basic and immediate urges.
Another part of the studio where Jerry
and Nina are arguing.)
NINA
She was a guest of my father's. She
should've taken the cap off.
JERRY
It's preposterous! They ask someone
to take off a baseball cap
at a baseball game. (beat) How can you defend that?
Armstrongs admiring painting again.)
MRS.ARM
He is struggled, he is man-struggled.
He lifts my spirit!
MR. ARM
He is a loathsome, offensive brute,
yet I can't look away.
Jerry and Nina again.)
JERRY
Look, I'm really getting tired off all
the fighting. Maybe we
should just end this before we really start hating each other.
NINA
Oh, well, you wouldn't want that because
you always have to
remain friends!
JERRY
Well, I like to remain friends with
people I was friends with!
NINA
Hey -- why don't you just go then! And
-- oh, give this to George.
Tell him he owes me $500!
Armstrongs)
MRS.ARM
He transcends time and space.
MR. ARM
He sickens me.
MRS.ARM
I love it.
MR. ARM
Me too.
Jerry's apartment.)
GEORGE
Five-hundred dollars?! What?
JERRY
That's what she told me!
GEORGE
I'm not paying $500 for this! It's a
piece of junk!
JERRY
That's what it costs!
GEORGE
Why did you even take it? You broke
up with her!
JERRY
I wasn't thinking! I don't know.
GEORGE
You weren't thinking.
JERRY
Well, she framed it and everything.
GEORGE
Well, I'm not buying it. No way. Forget
it. No way I'm buying this!
(beat) I mean, look at it! What is it? It's a bunch of squiggly
lines! (beat) Are you telling me you couldn't paint this?
JERRY
Do you want me to paint you something?
I'd love to paint you some-
thing!
GEORGE
I'm not paying for this. If you were
going out with her, it'd be a
different story.
KRAMER
(entering, handing Jerry a piece of
paper) This was in front of your
door.
GEORGE
Hey, Kramer.
KRAMER
Hi, Mike.
JERRY
(looking at the paper) Wow, a letter
from Nina!
KRAMER
(notices the painting) Whoa, man! That
is the ugliest thing I've ever
seen!
JERRY
(reading note) Oh my god!
GEORGE
What?
JERRY
This is amazing, you can't believe this!
GEORGE
What's it say?
JERRY
Listen to this: "I don't know what you
expect to find out there,
Jerry, you know what you want better than me. But there's one
thing
I do know. I know I can stand here watching you destroy everything
I've ever wanted in my life, wanting to smash your face with
my fists,
because you won't make even the slightest effort to offer happiness
and still know that I love you. You mean so much to me that I'm
will-
ing to take all your abuse and insults and insensitivity."
GEORGE
WOW!
KRAMER
(emotionally) She's deep.
JERRY
(reading on) "...'cause that's what
you need to do to prove I'm not
going to leave you. I'm sick and tired of running from places
and
people and relationships. You want me, that fight for me, becau-"
(Kramer blows his noes loudly) "...because I'm sure as hell fighting
for you!"
KRAMER
You know Jerry, she sounds like a poet!
JERRY
No one's ever written me a letter like
this. Maybe I was wrong about
her!
KRAMER
(pushing Jerry towards the phone) Yeah!
Get in there and give her a
call. Pick up the phone and call her!
JERRY
Should I?
KRAMER
(screaming) YES! YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT YOU
SHOULD! (hysterically) Fight
for her, Jerry, she's sure as hell fighting for you!
JERRY
ALL RIGHT, all right! I'll call her.
Jerry's apartment, another day. Jerry
is helping Nina put on her
coat. The TV is on a horse race.)
JERRY
SHOT! (the sound of a shot on the TV
is heard) I told ya! (the inter-
com buzzes) Yeah?
GEORGE
(on intercom) It's George.
JERRY
Come on up. (to Nina) Well, now we gotta
get a posse together. I love
a good posse.
NINA
What's the appeal of the posse?
JERRY
The appeal of the posse? The posse has
tremendous appeal. Get away
from the job, camp out, you're with your friends... Come on,
it's a
week-long game of hide-and-seek on horseback.
(George enters)
NINA
Hello, George.
GEORGE
Hey, Nina! (beat) I owe you some money,
don't I?
NINA
Well, I really love that piece.
GEORGE
Oh, yeah, me too, me too. Boy oh boy
oh boy...! You know, in fact,
I've been thinking about it, and I feel like I'm stealing from
you!
Five-hundred dollars! It's gonna be worth thousands soon! You
know
what? On second thought, I can't even accept it.
NINA
No, no no no, George! A deal's a deal.
I want you to have it!
GEORGE
This could be in a museum some day!
It's not safe with me! It should
really be in a doormanned building.
NINA
Honestly, George, the money's not important.
GEORGE
Who said anything about money? (intercom
buzzes)
JERRY
Yeah?
ELAINE
(on intercom) It's Elaine.
JERRY
Come on up.
NINA
Elaine?
JERRY
...Yeah.
NINA
(rolling eyes) This person does not
believe in telephones, does she?
JERRY
She likes the pop-in. I've told her
how I hate the pop-in. (pointing
to George) He likes the pop-in, too.
GEORGE
I just popped in now. I'm a big pop-in
guy.
JERRY
Yeah.
GEORGE
How 'bout Kramer.
JERRY
HUGE pop-in guy!
NINA
Well, I was leaving anyway, so, uh,
we're on for tomorrow?
JERRY
Yeah.
NINA
Okay.
JERRY
Okay!
NINA
Bye. (just as Nina is about to leave,
Elaine walks in.)
ELAINE
(to Nina) Hello!
(Nina doesn't respond, just walks past Elaine)
ELAINE
(sarcastic) Chatty gal. (beat) Lippman's
coming back tomorrow, I'll
be fired!
JERRY
If he noticed, he would have called
you from Houston!
ELAINE
No, he wants to torture me.
later on that night. George, Elaine,
and Jerry are watching TV.
Jerry, with the remote, is furiously flipping through channels.)
ELAINE
(annoyed) Oh! Would you gimme the clicker?
I hate it when you're the
clicker! You go too fast! (Elain makes a grab for the clicker,
insti-
gating a tug-o-war between Elaine and Jerry over the clicker)
JERRY
(tugging at the clicker) I'm a great
clicker! (gets the clicker back)
Great instincts. How dare you impune my clicking.
ELAINE
You're all over the dial! You don't
know what you want! I've never
seen you stay on anything for more than 5 seconds. Gimme that.
(another tug-o-war starts)
JERRY
Let go!
ELAINE
No, come on! I want it, Jerry!
JERRY
Let go, Elaine!
ELAINE
Well at least let George do it!
JERRY
Oh, George can't click! (George joins
in the fight)
GEORGE
(as Jerry and Elaine continue to whine)
Give it! Give it! (he finally
gets the remote away from them) Pinheads.
(George starts clicking, the first station he lands on is playing
Neil Simon's
Chapter 2. After a few seconds, George gets bored, and changes
the station)
JERRY
Wait, wait a second! Go back, go back
to that. (they watch it a little
longer)
ELAINE
It's Chapter 2, it's Neil Simon.
JERRY
(on to something) Wait a second... wait
a second!! (he watches the TV
for another minute) The letter, that's the letter!
ELAINE
What letter?
JERRY
This is the letter she wrote to me,
she stole it right from the movie!
(Jerry get up to go find the letter. A second later, he returns,
and starts
reading in unison with movie on TV.)
JERRY
"...'cause you don't even make the slightest
effort to offer happiness
still know that I love you!!"
GEORGE
This is incredible!
JERRY
I always thought there was something
funny about this letter! She cop-
ied it right out of Chapter 2! She a thief, a bunko-artist!
GEORGE
Maybe I won't send her that check.
ELAINE
You know, it's not really that terrible.
JERRY
What are you talking about? She completely
misrepresented herself!
(mimicking the letter) I don't offer happiness. I offer happiness!
James Caan doesn't offer happiness!
Lippman's office. Lippman is on the
phone when Elaine walks in and
places something on his desk. After she does, she tries to leave
but Lippman, still on the phone, motions for her to stay in the
room)
LIPPMAN
(into phone)...yeah, yeah. But she wouldn't
take the cap off? (beat)
But didn't she know they were the owner's seats? (beat) Aw, that's
unbelievable. (beat) Yeah. Okay. Alright Lenny, thanks again.
Take
care. (hangs up the phone, and then, to Elaine) That was Lenny
West,
my accountant, who is a hell of a guy. And he handles the Yankees
too; it's his biggest account. So every once in a while they
throw
him a couple of seats and last weekend he gave them to his daughter.
She's an artist, by the way. Anyway, her daughter gives 'em to
some
friends, you know. One of her friends shows up wearing a Baltimore
cap! (beat) You're from Baltimore, right?
ELAINE
Um, oh, it's Townscend, which is NEAR
Baltimore.
LIPPMAN
Yeah, but you're an Oriole fan, right?
ELAINE
Well, uh, fan. My father--
LIPPMAN
Anyway, she refused to take the cap
off; caused a whole big scene!
ELAINE
Really?
LIPPMAN
Yeah.
ELAINE
So... impudent.
LIPPMAN
Yeah, so Lenny gave me the tickets for
tomorrow night. I'm inviting
Frank and Marsha. 'Wantcha to come.
ELAINE
(pause) Ah. I've-I've got plans, though,
Mr. Li--
LIPPMAN
Well, break 'em. You missed the bris,
I want you at the game.
ELAINE
(very reluctant) Okay.
LIPPMAN
Good. (Elaine stars to leave) Oh--and
Elaine. You know the Baltimore
cap you got in your office? Wear it. I'm gonna have a little
fun with
him.
ELAINE
That will be fun.
Nina's studio. Nina is working on a
painting. Jerry is watching her,
sitting on the sofa.)
JERRY
How's it coming?
NINA
Good, good.
JERRY
Seen any good movies lately?
NINA
No... not really. You?
JERRY
No. I like a good comedy. You know,
like a Neil Simon? You like Neil
Simon?
NINA
Neil Simon? Uh, some of his stuff.
JERRY
I've seen MOST of it. I guess my favorite
would have to be, uh...
Chapter 2. Have you ever seen that?
NINA
I don't know... maybe.
JERRY
I have. Funny, funny. In fact it was
on TV just the other night.
Happened to catch it. (a knock is heard at the door) I couldn't
help
notice a STUNNING similiarity-- (Jerry is interrupted as Nina
opens
answer the door...)
MR. ARM
Well, we've made our decision. We want
"The Kramer."
Jerry's apartment, night. Jerry and
George are watching a baseball
game and talking.)
GEORGE
Five-thousand? Why would anybody buy
Kramer for $5000? (laughs)
JERRY
Boy, the Yankees cannot buy a hit tonight!
GEORGE
So is it all over between you and...
Marsha Mason?
JERRY
Yeah. (picks up Nina's painting George
bought) And by the way, can
you get this thing outta my house?
GEORGE
Tell you what, I'll make a deal with
you. I'll sell it to you right
now for ten bucks.
(the Yankees announcer is heard on TV)
TVVOICE
Uh, there's seems to be a lot of trouble
in the area just behind the
Yankee dugout.
GEORGE
Behind the dugout, that's where we were
sitting the other day.
TVVOICE
Well, we're not going to show it, we
don't want to encourage that kind
of behavior. Say, it's a young lady, and boy she's really going
at it
with the security guard. She's a fiesty one. And now they're
getting
the other security guard to come down. How do you like that Seegers?
Boy, she's someting. (beat) And a ball to left field..."
(Jerry and George look at each other, wondering.)
the Armstrong's dining room. Mr. and
Mrs. Armstrong are having
Kramer over for dinner.)
KRAMER
...then, when I was seventeen, I ran
away from home and hopped a
steamship to Sweden. (beat) This steak is excellent, by the way.
MRS.ARM
More potatoes?
KRAMER
Yeah, sure. Please.
MR. ARM
Yes, yes. Go on. You hopped a steamship
to Sweden?
KRAMER
Yeah. (beat) And, it was a big one.
THE END
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