THE LIBRARY
Written by
Larry Charles
(JERRY'S APARTMENT)
JERRY
Let me speak with the head librarian.
... Because it's absurd. An overdue
book
from 1971? ... This is a joke right? What are you? From a radio
station?
KRAMER
enters
JERRY
Ya' got me I fell for it. Alright, OK
I can be down there in like a half hour.
Bye.
KRAMER
What's the problem?
JERRY
This you're not goin' to believe. The
NYPL says that I took out Tropic of
Cancer
in 1971 and never returned it.
KRAMER
Do you know how much that comes to?
That's a nickel a day for 20 years.
It's
going to be $50,000
JERRY
It doesn't work like that.
KRAMER
If it's a dime a day it could be $100,000
JERRY
It's not going to be anything. I returned
the book. I remember it very vividly
because I was with Sherry Becker. She waore this orange dress.
It was the first time I
ever saw her in a dress like that. In oticed since ninth grade
she was developing this
body in secret under these loose clothes for like two years.
And then one day ...
FLASHBACK (to a beautiful buxom young Becky in an orange dress)
JERRY
That orange dress is burned in my memory
KRAMER
Oh, memory burn.
JERRY
I wonder what ever happened to her.
KRAMER
How did they ever find you?
JERRY
Oh, computers, they're cracking down
now on overdue books. The whole thing
is
completely ridiculous.
(buzzer)
JERRY
It's George. Wait 'til he hears we're
going to the library
KRAMER
You know I never got a library card.
JERRY
(to speaker) Coming down.
KRAMER
It's all a bunch of cheapskates in there
anyway. People sitting around reading
the newspaper attached to huge wooden sticks Trying to save a
quarter, ooh,
JERRY
I gotta go to the library. You want
to go?
KRAMER
Yeah,
LIBRARY
KRAMER
The Dewey Decimal System, what a scam
that was. Boy that Dewey guy really
cleaned
up on that deal.
JERRY
Where's George
READER
Shhh.
KRAMER
Tryin' to save a quarter.
JERRY
I kinda like those sticks. I'd like
to get them for my house.
TURNING TO LIBRARY COUNTER
JERRY
This woman's completely ignoring me.
KRAMER
Look at her. This is a lonely woman
looking for companionship.. ... Spinster.
...
Maybe a virgin. ... Maybe she got hurt a long time ago. She was
a schoolgirl. There was
a boy It didn't work out. Now she needs a little tenderness.
She needs a little understanding.
She needs a little Kramer.
JERRY
Eventually a little shot of penicillin
LIBRARIAN
Yes?
JERRY
Yes I called before. I got his notice
in the mail.
LIBRARIAN
Oh, Tropic of Cancer, Henry Miller,
Uh, this case has been turned over to
our
library investigation officer Mr. Bookman.
KRAMER
Bookman? The library investigator's
name is actually, Bookman?
LIBRARIAN
It's true.
KRAMER
That's amazing. That's like an ice cream
man named, Cone.
LIBRARIAN
Lt. Bookman has been working here for
25 years so I think he's heard all the
jokes.
JERRY
Can I speak with this Bookman?
LIBRARIAN
Just a second.
GEORGE ENTERS, FRANTICALLY, TUGS AT JERRY'S JACKET
GEORGE
Jerry,
JERRY
What?
GEORGE
I think I saw him. I think it's him.
JERRY
Who?
GEORGE
Did you see the homeless guy on the
library steps screaming obsenities and
doing some
calesthetics routine
JERRY
Yeah.
KRAMER
yeah
GEORGE
I think that's Mr. Hayman. ...The gym
teacher from our High School.
READER
Shhh.
JERRY
(whispers) Are you sure?
GEORGE
He's older, completely covered in filth,
no whistle, but I think it's him.
JERRY
George got him fired. He squealed on
him.
KRAMER
Ooh tattle tale
GEORGE
(yells) I didn't tattle
READER
Shh Shh
KRAMER
What did this guy do? What happened?
GEORGE
There was an incident. I'd rather not
discuss it.
KRAMER
Oh come on, You can tell me.
GEORGE
Some other time.
KRAMER
What tonight?
LIBRARIAN WALKS BY
KRAMER
Y'know I never figured you for a squealer.
JERRY
Oh, he sang like a canary.
LIBRARIAN
Mr. Bookman's not here.
JERRY
Not here? Why was I told to come down
here?
LIBRARIAN
He'll be out all afternoon on a case.
KRAMER
He's out on a case? He actually goes
out on cases?
JERRY
Well what am I supposed to do now?
LIBRARIAN
I'll have Mr. Bookman get in touch with
you.
JERRY
All right Thanks. Come on lets go
GEORGE
Let's see if it's Hayman?
KRAMER
Hey, uh, I'll see you boys later. (TURNS
TO LIBRARIAN) So uh, what's a guy got
to do
around here
to get a library card?
PENDANT PUBLISHING OFFICES
ELAINE
Where's Karen?
SECRETARY
She went to pick up lunch.
ELAINE
She didn't ask me what I wanted.
SECRETARY
She must have forgot.
ELAINE
How could she forget I've been ordering
lunch every day here for 3 and a half
years?
Is there something you're not telling me because I'm getting
a really weird vibe.
Is Lippman getting rid of me? It's OK I won't say anything.
SECRETARY
I don't know anything.
ELAINE
Ah, you don't know anything. You see,
"I don't know anything", means there's
something to know. If you really didn't know anything you would
have said "You're crazy."
LIPPMAN ENTERS
ELAINE
Oh, hi Mr. Lippman.
LIPPMAN
Elaine,
ELAINE
Um, uh, I was wondering if you got a
chance to look at that , um, biography
of
Columbus, I gave you?
LIPPMAN
Yes I did. Yes I did. ... Maureen this
water is still too cold.
ELAINE
It's freezing. ... Hurts your teeth.
AT MONKS
ELAINE
I'm tellin' ya' somethin' is goin' on.
He never likes anything I recommend.
And then that lunch thing.
JERRY
So they forgot to get your lunch. Big
deal!
ELAINE
What do you know. You've never worked
in an office. (TURNS TO GEORGE) See,
you've worked in an office. Jerry thinks I'm over reacting but
you understand, ... LUNCH!
GEORGE
I don't understand lunch, I don't know
anything about lunch. Listen. Just because
I got the guy fired doesn't mean I turned him into a bum - does
it?
ELAINE
What did he do?
GEORGE
He purposely mispronounced my name.
Instead of saying, "Costanza" He'd say,
"Can't stand ja".
"Can't stand ja" ... He made me smell my own gym socks once.
JERRY
I remember he made you wear a jock on
your head for a whole class. And the
straps
were hangin' down by his ,...
GEORGE
OK, OK, I never even had him for gym.
JERRY
I had him for Hygene. Remember his teeth.
It was like from an exhumed corpse.
GEORGE
Little baked beans
JERRY
Echh
ELAINE
Come on tell me what happened.
GEORGE
Well, OK. As I said the guy had it in
for me. He actually failed me in gym.
... ME!
FLASHBACK TO HIGH SCHOOL LOCKER ROOM
GEORGE
... Those spastic shnitzer twins ...
HEYMAN
Can't stand ja ... Can't stand ja
GEORGE
Yes, Mr. Hayman
HEYMAN
Your underwear was stick'n out of your
shorts during gym class.
GEORGE
Well I guess that's because I wear boxer
shorts.
HEYMAN
Boxer shorts, ha? Well what brand?
GEORGE
I'm not really sure, I...
HEYMAN
Well let's take a look.
gets a wedgie)
BACK TO MONK'S
GEORGE
He gave me a wedgie.
JERRY
He got fired the next day.
ELAINE
Why do they call it a wedgie?
GEORGE
Because the underwear is pulled up from
the back and ... it wedges in..
JERRY
They also have an atomic wedgie. Now
the goal there is to actually get the
waistband on top of the head. Very rare.
ELAINE
Boys are sick.
JERRY
Well what do girls do ?
ELAINE
We just tease some one 'til they develop
an eating disorder.
guy who ruined his life.
KRAMER ENTERS
KRAMER
Hey Babaloo, you better get home. You
know this guy Bookman from the library
he's waiting for ya.
STANDUP ROUTINE
What's amazing to me about the library is it's a place where
you go in you can take
out any book you whant they just give it to you and say bring
it back when you're done.
It reminds me of like this pathetic friend that everbody had
when they were a little
kid who would let you borrow any of his stuff if you would just
be his friend. That's
what the library is. A government funded pathetic friend. And
that's why everybody
kinds of bullies the library. I'll bring it back on time ...
I'll bring it back late.
... Oh, what are you going to do? Charge me a nickel?
JERRY'S APARTMENT
JERRY
Oh, I'm glad you're here, so we can
get this all straightened out. Would
you like a cup of tea?
BOOKMAN
You got any coffee?
JERRY
Coffee?
BOOKMAN
Yeah. Coffee.
JERRY
No, I don't drink coffee.
BOOKMAN
Yeah, you don't drink coffee? How about
instant coffee?
JERRY
No, I don't have--
BOOKMAN
You don't have any instant coffee?
JERRY
Well, I don't normally--
BOOKMAN
Who doesn't have instant coffee?
JERRY
I don't.
BOOKMAN
You buy a jar of Folger's Crystals,
you put it in the cupboard, you
forget about it. Then later on when you need it, it's there.
It lasts
forever. It's freeze-dried. Freeze-dried Crystals.
JERRY
Really? I'll have to remember that.
BOOKMAN
You took this book out in 1971.
JERRY
Yes, and I returned it in 1971.
BOOKMAN
Yeah, '71. That was my first year on
the job. Bad year for libraries.
Bad year for America. Hippies burning library cards, Abby Hoffman
telling everybody to steal books. I don't judge a man by the
length of
his hair or the kind of music he listens to. Rock was never my
bag. But
you put on a pair of shoes when you walk into the New York Public
Library, fella.
JERRY
Look, Mr. Bookman. I--I returned that
book. I remember it very
specifically.
BOOKMAN
You're a comedian, you make people laugh.
JERRY
I try.
BOOKMAN
You think this is all a big joke, don't
you?
JERRY
No, I don't.
BOOKMAN
I saw you on T.V. once; I remembered
your name--from my list. I looked
it up. Sure enough, it checked out. You think because you're
a celebrity
that somehow the law doesn't apply to you, that you're above
the law?
JERRY
Certainly not.
BOOKMAN
Well, let me tell you something, funny
boy. Y'know that little stamp,
the one that says "New York Public Library"? Well that may not
mean
anything to you, but that means a lot to me. One whole hell of
a lot.
Flashy, making the scene, flaunting convention. Yeah, I know
what you're
thinking. What's this guy making such a big stink about old library
books? Well, let me give you a hint, junior. Maybe we can live
without
libraries, people like you and me. Maybe. Sure, we're too old
to change
the world, but what about that kid, sitting down, opening a book,
right
now, in a branch at the local library and finding drawings of
pee-pees
and wee-wees on the Cat in the Hat and the Five Chinese Brothers?
Doesn't HE deserve better? Look. If you think this is about overdue
fines and missing books, you'd better think again. This is about
that
that turns you on, Seinfeld; maybe that's how y'get your kicks.
You and
is over. Y'got seven days, Seinfeld. That is one week!
(Marion sneaks into Kramer's apartment behind Bookman's back
as he opens Jerry's
door to leave)
KRAMER'S APARTMENT
KRAMER
What's wrong?
MARION
It's Bookman the library cop.
KRAMER
So I didn't do anything wrong.
MARION
I'm supposed to be atwork. I could get
fired. I shouldn't have come here.
KRAMER
Why don't ya' leave?
MARION
I can't.
JERRY'S DOORWAY
JERRY
No way I'm payin' that! I returned that
book I n 1971. I have a witness
Sherry Becker. She wore an orange dress. She gave me a piece
of black jack gum.
It's a licorice gum. What do ya' think of next I remember it.
(thinks out loud, opens phone book) Becker, ... Becker, ...
IN MONKS WITH SHERRY
SH
Kevin went to a public school, he's
the 14 year old? We were gonna' send
Marsha
to a private school. Cause in some way they don't learn ... enough
... I think.
JERRY
So Sherry, what do you remember about
that day at the library?
SH
I remember it like it was yesterday.
It was a Friday afternoon. I wore a
purple dress.
JERRY
Purple? Ya' sure it wasn't orange?
SH
Positive. And I was chewin' Dentyne.
I always chewed dentyne. Remember Jerry?
Dentyne?
JERRY
No Black Jack?
SH
Licorice gum? Never! We were reading
pasages to each other from that Henry
Miller book,
JERRY
Tropic of Cancer.
SH
No, Tropic of Capricorn
JERRY
Tropic of Capricorn?
SH
Rememba? What holds the world togetha'
... "As I have learned from bitter experience
is sexual intercourse ."
JERRY
Wait a second. Wait a second. You're
right. I had both of them.
We read from TROPIC OF CAPRICORN. I was all set to return TROPIC
OF CANCER. And then ...
FLASHBACK TO LOCKER ROOM
JERRY
Here's the book. Don't let anybody see
it. Don't let anything happen to it.
GEORGE
Jerry, it's me, George, don't worry,
I'll return it
JERRY
Ok, I'll see you after school. I.m late
for Hayman's hygiene.
BACK TO MONKS
SH
Where ya' going?
JERRY
It was nice seeing you again. I just
remembered something. I've got to go.
(to old man that enters)
It was GEORGE!
LIBRARY
KRAMER
Read another poem.
MARION
Pressed chest fleshed out west Might
be the saviour or a garden pest.
KRAMER
Wow, that is great. You should be published.
KRAMER
You know, the library is kind of a cool
place when it's closed.
MARIAN
Oh, yeah. You don't have to be quiet.
Listen to the echo: HELLO!
KRAMER
HELLO!
MARIAN
HELLO!
KRAMER
HELLO!
MARIAN
HELLO!
BOOKMAN
Hello!
MARIAN
Mr. Bookman.
BOOKMAN
I remember when the librarian was a
much older woman: Kindly,
discreet, unattractive. We didn't know anything about her private
life.
We didn't want to know anything about her private life. She didn't
have
library closes at five o'clock, no exceptions. This is your final
warning. Got that, kewpie-doll?
JERRY'S APARTMENT
(Jerry in bedroom)
ELAINE
Lippman want's to see me in his office
SEE ME! That can't be good
JERRY
Maybe you're getting' a raise.
(buzzer)
ELAINE
Maybe I'm getting' a wedgie.
ELAINE
What?
GEORGE
It's George
ELAINE
George is on his way up.
JERRY
Wait 'til I tell him about the book.
KRAMER
(reading) sobs
ELAINE
Are you OK? What? What?
KRAMER
It's marion's poetry. I can't take it
(leaves sobbing)
ELAINE
Remember that biography I recommended?
MY BOSS HATED IT
(Jerry enters).
JERRY
I'm right here.
ELAINE
Remember that Columbus book?
JERRY
Columbus, Euro trash.
(George enters)
GEORGE
Well, it's definetly him.
ELAINE
Him? Him who?
GEORGE
Him who? Hayman him.
ELAINE
Hayman The gym teacher? You found him?
GEORGE
Oh, I found him. He was sitting on the
steps of the library. I sat down
next to him. He smelled like the locker room after that game
against Erasmus
JERRY
That was double overtime.
GEORGE
So I said, "Mr. Hayman, It's me george
Costanza, JFK, ... " He doesn't move.
So I said uh, "Can't stand ya'", "Can't stand ya'" He turns and
smiles, the little
baked bean teeth. I get up to run away, but something was holding
me back. It was
Heyman. He had my underwear. There I was on the steps of the
42nd St. library ,
a grown man, getting a wedgie.
ELAINE
At least it wasn't atomic.
GEORGE
It was.
JERRY
So Georgie Boy, guess what happened
to TROPIC OF CANCER
GEORGE
How should I know?
JERRY
Because I gave it to you.
GEORGE
Me?
JERRY
Yesah, think. Don't you remember you
kept begging me to see it then finally
I agreed. You were supposed to return it. I met you in the gym
locker room.
GEORGE
The locker room!
THE LOCKER ROOM
JERRY
Here's the book. Don't let anybody see
it. Don't let anything happen to it.
GEORGE
Jerry, it's me, George, don't worry,
I'll return it tomorrow, no problem.
JERRY
All right, I'll see you after school.
I.m late for Hayman's hygiene.
HEYMAN
Can't Stand Ya'.
GEORGE
Yes Mr. Hayman.
HEYMAN
Your underwear was stick'n out of your
shorts during gym class.
GEORGE
Well I guess that's because I wear boxer
shorts.
HEYMAN
Boxer shorts, ha? Well what brand?
GEORGE
I'm not really sure, I...
HEYMAN
Well let's take a look.
(George gets a wedgie and TROPIC OF CANCER falls on floor)
LIBRARY
( Jerry writes out a check for the never-returned TROPIC OF CANCER
and hands it to Bookman)
JERRY
Anyway, I hope there's no hard feelings.
BOOKMAN
Hard feelings? What do you know about
hard feelings? Y'ever have a man
die in your arms? Y'ever kill somebody?
JERRY
What is your problem?
BOOKMAN
What's my problem? Punks like you, that's
my problem. And you better not
screw up again Seinfeld, because if you do, I'll be all over
you like a
pitbull on a poodle.
JERRY
(after Bookman exits): That is one tough
monkey! (turns to Elaine)
So you were saying?
ELAINE
Oh? So, I took your suggestion and I
gave my boss Marion's poems.
The ones that affected Kramer so much.
JERRY
Oh, beautiful did he like them?
ELAINE
No, ... he didn't! No, ... he didn't!
JERRY
(to George) Was he out there?
GEORGE
Na, he's gone. I wonder what happened
to him.
JERRY
I guess we'll never know.
SOME BACK ALLEY
HEYMAN
Can't stand ya, (laughing) Can't stand
ya. (pan to TROPIC OF CANCER on ground)
STAND UP
It was a weird school day, you know what I mean because it kind
of like started of kind
of normal. You have like English, Geometry, Social Studies and
then suddenly you're like
in Lord of The Flies for 40 minutes you know you're hangin' from
a rope. You have hardly
any clothes on. Teachers are yellin' at ya' "Where's your jock
strap?" Ya' know and kids
are throwin' dodge balls at you. You're tryin' to survive ...
Then its History,
Science, Language. There's something off in the entire flow of
that day.
THE END
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