THE LIP READER
Written by
Carol Leifer
(Comedy club)
JERRY
Professional tennis. To me I don't understand
all the shushing. Why are they always
shushing. Shh, shh. Don't the players
know that we're there? Should we duck
down behind the seats so they don't
see us watching them? Tennis is basically
just ping-pong and the players are standing
on the table. That's all it is. And
that goofy scoring, you win one point
and all the sudden you're up by 15.
Two points, 30-love. 30-love. Sounds
like an English call girl. "That'll
be 30, love... And could you be a little
quieter next time, please, shh."
(Commercial)
In the bleachers at the tennis court. Two players are hitting
the ball back and forth.
JERRY
Are these seats unbelievable or what?
GEORGE
Where's the sunblock?
JERRY
Here.
GEORGE
25? You don't have anything higher?
JERRY
What, are you on Mercury?
GEORGE
I need higher. This has paba in it,
I need paba-free.
JERRY
You got a problem with paba?
GEORGE
Yes, I have a problem with paba.
JERRY
You don't even know what paba is.
GEORGE
I know enough to stay away from it.
GEORGE
So are you going to Todd's party this
weekend?
JERRY
I'll go if someone else drives. You
going?
GEORGE
Gwen really wants to go.
JERRY
You're bringing a date to a party?
GEORGE
No good?
JERRY
A party is a bad date situation. It
doesn't matter who you're with. You
could be with J. Edgar Hoover. You don't
want to sit and talk with Hoover all
night. You want to circulate. (Makes
hand motions) Ho, ho, ho.
GEORGE
Why'd you pick Hoover? Was he that interesting
to talk to?
JERRY
Well I would think, with the law enforcement
and the cross dressing. Seems like an
interesting guy.
GEORGE
Yeah I guess. What can I do? I gotta
take her with me. Todd introduced us,
I'm obligated.
JERRY
That woman is absolutely stunning.
GEORGE
The Croat? (the tennis player)
JERRY
Not the Croat, the lineswoman. That
is the most beautiful lineswoman I've
ever seen.
GEORGE
Yeah, she's a B.L.
JERRY
B.L.?
GEORGE
Beautiful lineswoman. I'm going to go
to the concession stand and get some
real sunblock. You want anyting? Jerry?
(Jerry is staring at the lineswoman)
Jerry?
At Elaine's office.
COWORKER
You know, I just heard the Lexington
line is out.
ELAINE
You are kidding me. How am I supposed
to get to this meeting?
COWORKER
Take a car service. We have an account.
ELAINE
Oh forget it, I hate those. Everytime
I take one, the driver will *not* stop
talking to me. No matter how disinterested
I seem he just keeps yakking away. Blah,
blah, blah, blah. Why does everything
always have to have a social componant?
Now a stage coach, that would have been
a good situation for me. Cause I'm in
the coach, and the driver is way up
there on the stage.
COWORKER
Well you're not going to get a cab now.
Four thirty in the afternoon? Read a
magazine, keep your head down.
ELAINE
I guess that could work.
At the tennis court concession stand. George is eating a sundae.
At Jerry's apartment. Kramer is watching TV.
ANNOUNCER
And that is it. The match to Ms. Natalia
Valdoni. Comming up next, mens single,
but for now let's stop a minute and
take a look at our beautiful tennis
center backdrop.
KRAMER
Hey, hey, it's George.
George is on TV eating a sundae. His face is covered in ice cream
and fudge. He is taking a bite of ice cream and dripping it around
his mouth.
ANNOUNCER
Holy cow it's a scorcher. Boy I bet
you that guy can cover a lot of court.
Hey buddy, they got a new invention.
It's called a napkin. We'll take a station
break and continue with more...
Elaine in the car service car.
DRIVER
Dag Gavershole Plaza (sp?) huh? (Elaine
ignores him) Pendant Publishing, that's
books right? (Elaine is annoyed and
still ignoring him) Miss?
ELAINE
Pardon me?
DRIVER
Books, that's what you do?
ELAINE
Yeah.
DRIVER
Yeah, I don't read much myself, (Elaine
is annoyed) well you know besides the
paper. Yeah a lot of people read to
relax, but not me. You know what I do?
ELAINE
You know I'm having a lot of trouble,
um, hearing you back here. So...
DRIVER
(Yelling) I said you know what I do
(Elaine is very annoyed) when I want
to relax? The Jumble. Hey do you make
a book of Jumbles?
ELAINE
I'm going to have to be honest with
you. I'm going deaf.
DRIVER
Going deaf?
ELAINE
What?
DRIVER
Oh I'm sorry.
ELAINE
It can be very frustrating.
DRIVER
Hey what about a hearing aid?
ELAINE
An I fearing AIDS? Oh, yeah sure, who
isn't. But you know you gotta live your
life.
DRIVER
No, no I said. Ehhh, forget it. (Elaine
looks pleased)
At the tennis court.
JERRY
I can't take my eyes off that lineswoman.
That lineswoman is absolutely mesmerizing.
GEORGE
Boy you are really smitten.
JERRY
I gotta talk to her. What do you think?
GEORGE
Cold? How are you going to do that?
You're not one of those guys.
JERRY
I'm going to psyche myself into it like
those people that just walk across the
hot coals.
GEORGE
They're not mocked and humiliated when
they get to the other side.
JERRY
I have to. I won't be able to live with
myself.
GEORGE
Wait a minute Jerry, there's a bigger
issue here. If you go through that wall
and become one of those guys I'll be
left here on this side. Take me with
you.
JERRY
I can't.
GEORGE
What are you going to say?
JERRY
I don't know, "Hi".
GEORGE
You think you're going to the other
side with "Hi"? You're not going to
make it.
Elaine in the car service car.
RADIO
Base to 92 come in
DRIVER
Yes this is 92
RADIO
After this go back to city for a 6:00
pickup
DRIVER
Righteo
RADIO
794 Bleeker the party's Hanks. Tom Hanks.
ELAINE
Tom Hanks? After me you're picking up
Tom Hanks? I love him.
DRIVER
So I guess your hearing goes in and
out huh?
ELAINE
Yeah. Yes it does...
DRIVER
Yeah. You know what I think? I think
you made that whole thing up.
ELAINE
No no, no no.
DRIVER
Yeah yeah, I know your type. You're
too good to make conversation with someone
like me. Oh god forbid you could discuss
the Jumbles. But to go so far as to
pretend you're almost deaf, I mean that
is truly disgusting. And Mr. Tom Hanks,
may I say he too would be disgusted
by your behavior.
At the tennis court. Jerry is standing behind the lineswoman.
JERRY
Excuse me. (Woman ignores him) Excuse
me? (Still ignores him) Oh that's nice.
That's right ignore me. That's real
polite. Nobody's even talking to you.
All you big lineswoman. Oh you've got
some kind of a cool job. I know your
type thinking your too good for everyone,
but it's women like you (woman turns
around and notices him) oh well, what
are you deaf?
LAURA
Bingo.
At Jerry's apartment.
KRAMER
And you're saying she's deaf.
JERRY
I'm not *saying* she's deaf, she's deaf.
KRAMER
Can't hear a thing.
JERRY
Can't hear a thing.
KRAMER
And you're going to go out with her.
JERRY
Yeah, isn't that something?
Elaine enters.
ELAINE
Hey.
JERRY AND KRAMER
Hey.
KRAMER
Hey I know how to sign.
JERRY
Really?
KRAMER
Yeah when I was 8, I had a deaf cousin
who lived with us for about a year.
(signing as he speaks) So I haven't
been able to do it in a while.
ELAINE
What is this about?
JERRY
I met this deaf lineswoman at the tennis
match.
ELAINE
You are kidding. That is amazing. (She
pushes Jerry, Jerry falls back into
Kramer.) I just took a car service from
work and to get the driver to not talk
to me, I pretended I was going deaf.
JERRY
Wow good plan.
ELAINE
Oh didn't work. He caught me hearing.
I know it's terrible, but I'm not a
terrible person.
JERRY AND KRAMER
No.
ELAINE
No. When I shoo squirrels away, I always
say "get out of here". I never ever
throw things at them and try to injure
them like other people.
JERRY
That's nice.
ELAINE
Yeah, and when I see freaks in the street
I never, ever stare at them. Yet, I'm
careful not to look away, you know,
because I want to make the freaks feel
comfortable.
JERRY
That's nice for the freaks.
ELAINE
Yeah, and I don't poof up my hair when
I got to a movie so people behind me
can see. I've got to make it up to this
guy or I won't be able to live with
myself. What can I do?
JERRY
Why don't you get him some tickets or
something, how about that friend of
yours that works at the ticket area.
KRAMER
Yeah yeah Pete, he can get you great
tickets to something. Like a rock concert.
Whatever you like.
ELAINE
Oh, thanks Kramer.
KRAMER
You got it. Hey Jerry, do me a favor.
The next time you see that lineswoman
ask her how those ball boys get those
jobs. I would love to be able to do
that.
JERRY
Kramer, I think perhaps you've overlooked
one of the key aspects of this activity.
It's ball *boys*, not ball men. There
are no ball men.
ELAINE
Yeah I think he's right. I've never
seen a ball man.
KRAMER
Well there ought to be ball men.
JERRY
All right I'll talk to her. If you want
to be a ball man go ahead, break the
ball barrier.
ELAINE
Hey you know a friend of mine from work
said that she saw George at the tennis
match on TV yesterday.
KRAMER
Yeah, yeah me too. Yeah he was at the
snack bar eating a hot fudge sundae.
He had it all over his face. He was
wearing that chocolate on his face like
a beard and they got in there real nice
and tight. And he's... (Imitates scooping
up ice cream.)
At Monk's.
GWEN
I'm sorry George.
GEORGE
I don't understand things were going
so great. What happened? Something must
have happened.
GWEN
It's not you, it's me.
GEORGE
You're giving me the "it's not you,
it's me" routine? I invented "it's not
you, it's me". Nobody tells me it's
them not me, if it's anybody it's me.
GWEN
All right, George, it's you.
GEORGE
You're *damn* right it's me.
GWEN
I was just trying to...
GEORGE
I know what you were trying to do. Nobody
does it better than me.
GWEN
I'm sure you do it very well.
GEORGE
Yes well unfortunately you'll never
get the chance to find out.
George then looks confused like what he said just didn't sound
right.
At Jerry's apartment.
JERRY
But I thought things were going great.
GEORGE
Yeah so did I.
JERRY
Did she say why?
GEORGE
No. She tried to give me the "it's not
you, it's me" routine.
JERRY
But that's your routine.
GEORGE
Yeah. Well aparently word's out.
Kramer enters.
KRAMER
Hey, George, I saw you on TV yesterday.
GEORGE
Really? At the tennis match?
KRAMER
Yeah you were at the snack bar eating
a hot fudge sundae.
GEORGE
Get out of here. I didn't see any cameras
there.
KRAMER
Oh, the cameras was, vrooom, there.
The announcers, they made a couple of
cracks about you.
GEORGE
Cracks? What were they saying?
KRAMER
That you had ice cream all over your
face. They were talking about how funny
you looked.
GEORGE
Maybe Gwen saw it. Maybe that's what
did it.
KRAMER
Well I'll tell you it wasn't a pretty
sight.
GEORGE
She must have seen me eating it on TV.
JERRY
So she sees you with hot fudge on your
face and she ends it? You really think
she would be that superficial?
GEORGE
Why not. I would be.
The phone rings.
JERRY
Hello... Oh hi dad... You saw him?...
Really with the ice cream?... All right
I'll talk to you later, bye.
GEORGE
You're parents saw me on TV?
JERRY
Yeah.
GEORGE
This is nighmare. Kramer how long was
I on?
KRAMER
It felt like 8 seconds.
GEORGE
One-one-thousand, two-one-thousand,
three-one-thousand.
Elaine enters.
ELAINE
I heard you *really* inhaled that thing.
Did anyone tape it?
GEORGE
Can we move on?
JERRY
He thinks Gwen broke up with him because
she saw him eating the ice cream on
TV.
ELAINE
Oh come on. If she's that superficial
you don't want her.
GEORGE
Yes I do.
ELAINE
So I guess you're not going to Todd's
party on Friday.
GEORGE
Well I can't now, Gwen's going to be
there.
KRAMER
Well she should be the one that shouldn't
go.
JERRY
Well if a couple breaks up and have
plans to go to a neutral place, who
withdraws? What's the ettiquite?
KRAMER
Excellent question.
JERRY
I think she should withdraw. She's the
breaker, he's the breakee. He needs
to get on with his life.
ELAINE
I beg to differ.
JERRY
Really.
ELAINE
He's the *loser*. She's the victor.
To the victor belong the spoils.
JERRY
Well I don't care, I don't want to go
anyway. I don't want to fight that traffic
on Friday night.
ELAINE
Well we can take the car service from
my office.
JERRY
Really?
ELAINE
Yeah, they don't know.
KRAMER
All right, I'll see you later.
JERRY
Okay.
GEORGE
"To the victor goes the spoils." What
are you going to do tonight?
JERRY
Oh I got a date with Laura the lineswoman.
GEORGE
Oh. (he stands there)
JERRY
Why? (George fiddles with the lock on
the door.) Well what are you doing?
GEORGE
Well I was just going to wander the
streets. Wouldn't want to tag along
with you or anything.
JERRY
Oh, uh, do you want to come with us?
GEORGE
Jerry please, that's very nice, but,
uh, (closes the door) where would we
be going?
At a Chinese restaurant.
GEORGE
So, I've got ice cream all over my face.
There were no napkins there. Whoever
it was that's responsible for stocking
that concession stand cost me a relationship.
LAURA
They never have napkins there.
JERRY
Let's get the check. (Waves in the air)
Is this considered signing? Do you do
this when you want the check? Really.
I know a sign, that's my first sign.
LAURA
Uh, oh. That couple is breaking up.
GEORGE
They're breaking up? How do you know?
JERRY
She reads lips.
GEORGE
What are they saying now?
LAURA
"It's not you, it's me."
GEORGE
(Holding his drink up to his mouth)
Oh my gosh, I just had a great idea.
She could come to the party tomorrow
and read Gwen's lips for me.
JERRY
(Puts his hand over his mouth) What?
GEORGE
(Puts nuts into his mouth, and in the
process covers his mouth) We bring her
to the party, and she can tell me what
Gwen is saying about me.
JERRY
(Holds his drink up to his mouth) She's
not a novelty act, George. Where you
hire her out for weddings and bar mitzvas.
GEORGE
(Puts his hands on his face, rubbing
his eyes) Look. It's a skill, just like
juggling. She probably enjoys showing
it off.
JERRY
(Puts his napkin over his mouth) I don't
know George. I'm not sure about this.
GEORGE
(Puts his arms in the air, stretching,
and covers his mouth with an arm) Could
you ask her, just ask her. If she says
no, case closed.
JERRY
(Puts his hand on his chin over his
mouth) All right.
JERRY
Uh Laura, George was wondering if...
LAURA
Sure. I'll do it.
After the restaurant. Jerry at Laura's place.
JERRY
So I really had a good time.
LAURA
Yeah, me too.
JERRY
So you want to go to the party on Friday
night?
LAURA
Yeah.
JERRY
All right, we're taking a car service.
So we'll swing by and pick you up. How
about six? (Laura looks offended). Six
is good. (Laura looks offended and angry).
You got a problem with six? (Laura opens
the door and gets out). What? What?
(Commercial)
At the tennis court.
MAN
Okay listen up people. There are plenty
of you here, but we've only got two
spots to fill. Good luck.
BOY
Hey pops, isn't there a better way to
spend your twilight years?
KRAMER
I may be old, but I'm spry.
BOY
The tryout lasts three and a half to
four hours. Are you up for it?
KRAMER
Oh I'll be up for it punk.
Kramer fetches some balls, and he is doing some pretty fancy
footwork.
At Jerry's apartment.
JERRY
See I was saying "six" but she thought
I was saying "sex". We straightened
the whole thing out though.
GEORGE
She confused "six" with "sex"?
JERRY
Yeah.
GEORGE
Well if she can't tell "six" from "sex"
then how is she going to lip read from
across the room?
JERRY
Well "six" and "sex" are close.
GEORGE
It's two completely different sounds.
"ih" and "eh".
JERRY
Eh.
GEORGE
It seems like a problem.
JERRY
Well I'm not dating any other deaf women.
Kramer enters.
KRAMER
Hey guess who's going to be the new
ball man for the finals.
JERRY
You're kidding.
KRAMER
Yeah. They said they haven't seen anybody
go after balls with such gusto.
GEORGE
When is that car service comming?
JERRY
In five minutes. He's then going to
pick us up, then we're going to pick
up Elaine, and Laura is going to meet
us there.
GEORGE
If this lip reading thing works tonight
do you know how incredible this is going
to be? It's like having Superman for
your friend.
JERRY
I know. It's like X-ray vision.
GEORGE
If we could just harness this power
and use it for our own personal gain,
there'd be no stopping us.
Newman enters.
NEWMAN
I hear you've got some lip reader working
for you. You gotta let me use her for
one day. Just one day.
JERRY
Can't do it Newman.
NEWMAN
But Jerry, we've got this new supervisor
down at the post office. He's working
behind this glass. I know they're talking
about me. They're going to transfer
me, I know it. Two hours, give me two
hours.
JERRY
Not going to happen.
NEWMAN
(Sinister) All right, all right. All
right you go ahead. You go ahead and
keep it secret. But you remember this.
When you control the mail, you control...
information.
In the car service car.
JERRY
Oh just pull over right there by the
stop sign.
DRIVER
Pardon me sir?
JERRY
I said pull over by the stop sign.
DRIVER
I'm so sorry, you'll have to forgive
me. I can't hear a damn thing. I went
to that rock concert last night at the
garden. My seats were right up agains
the speaker. It's a heavy metal group.
Metalla-something.
KRAMER
-ca.
DRIVER
Huh?
GEORGE
What?
JERRY
ca.
GEORGE
ah.
DRIVER
My ears are still ringing. Some woman's
idea of a joke.
Elaine gets in. The driver looks up and notices her. He gets
angry.
A moment later, the group gets out of the car.
DRIVER
Get out. Get out. Go on. Hey. Shut the
door.
Kramer shuts the door and the car takes off, squeeling the tires.
At the party.
JERRY
You know the whole idea of taking the
car service was so I wouldn't have to
fight the traffic on Friday night.
Laura sees the group and gets up. She points to her watch.
JERRY
I know. I'm late. Hey now I know two
signs, (puts his hand in the air) check,
and (points to his watch) late. Hey
this is the guy you helped become the
first ball man.
Kramer and Laura start signing to each other. We see confusion
from them as they are signing. George puts his forhead on his
hand.
KRAMER
She doesn't know what she's talking
about.
TODD
Guys you made it.
GEORGE
Hey hey.
TODD
Sorry to hear about Gwen.
GEORGE
Why? Did she say something to you about
why she broke up with me?
TODD
Oh no. Tonight will be the first chance
I've had to talk to her. Look George,
I'm friends with both of you. I can't
betray her confidence by telling you
anything.
GEORGE
I wouldn't hear of it, huh. It's none
of my business. You should try to find
out everything you possibly can. In
fact, I'll even stay all the way on
the other side of the room so there's
no chance of me overhearing anything.
TODD
You are so centered.
GEORGE
(to the others) Let's go, let's go.
All right what are they saying?
Gwen and Todd talk. Laura makes hand signs and Kramer translates.
KRAMER
"Hi Gwen, hi tide."
JERRY
Hi tide?
KRAMER
Hi Todd.
KRAMER
"You've got something between your teeth"
GEORGE
What?
KRAMER
No that's what he said. "That's interesting.
I love carrots, but I hate carrot soup.
And I hate peas, but I love pea soup."
So do I.
ELAINE
She's so wild. Can I borrow her for
a few hours tomorrow afternoon?
JERRY
No. If I lend her to you I'll have to
lend her to everybody.
GWEN
I don't envy you Todd. The place is
going to be a mess.
TODD
Maybe you can stick around after everybody
leaves and we can sweep together.
KRAMER
"Why don't you stick around and we can
sleep together."
GEORGE
What?
KRAMER
"You want me to sleep with you?"
TODD
I don't want to sweep alone.
KRAMER
He says "I don't want to sleep alone."
She says, oh boy, "love to."
George walks across the room over to them.
GEORGE
So you're getting rid of me and now
the two of you are going to sleep together?
GWEN
What? You're crazy.
KRAMER
"What? You're crazy."
GEORGE
I heard your whole conversation.
GWEN
How?
KRAMER
"How?"
GEORGE
(looks back to the group) I can read
lips. You said let's sleep together.
GWEN
No I didn't. I said "sweep". Let's sweep
together, you know with a broom. Cleaning
up.
KRAMER
"... with a broom, cleaning up."
GEORGE
Sweep?
GWEN
Yes sweep.
KRAMER
"Yes sweep."
GEORGE
Cut it.
KRAMER
George says "Cut it."
GEORGE
Cut it.
KRAMER
George is saying "Cut it."
GEORGE
Cut it. (goes back to the group) (Yelling)
Would you stop signing? She said "sweep
together" you idiots, not "sleep together."
Laura's mouth is wide open. She looks at Kramer and points to
George. She is mad at Kramer. Aparently she did say sweep and
Kramer mis-translated. She signs to Kramer.
KRAMER
I know how to sign.
Kramer and Laura are arguing back and forth with sign language.
They are gesturing signs fiercely. One of Laura's signs causes
her hand to swing backwards and hit George in the face.
GEORGE
Ow. My eye, my eye.
(At the tennis court)
ELAINE
It's so amazing getting to see Monica
Sellas playing in the finals.
JERRY
I know and on the first tournament of
her comeback.
Kramer is sitting poised on the sideline. He waves back to the
group. George and Elaine gives him a thumbs up. The two players
hit the ball back and forth. The ball lands in the net. Kramer
springs into action running toward the ball and runs into Monica
Sellas. Monica falls to the ground in pain.
JERRY
Thus ends the great ball man experiment.
Laura gets into the car service car.
DRIVER
You with the tennis center?
LAURA
Yep.
DRIVER
Hey how about that ball man injuring
Monica Sellas. Wasn't that something.
Laura. I'm deaf.
DRIVER
Oh. (Very suspicious look on his face.)
THE END
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