THE LITTLE KICKS
Written by
Spike Feresten
(Jerry and Kramer walking down the street. Jerry is closest to
the street.)
KRAMER
I wouldn't walk over there.
JERRY
Why not?
KRAMER
It's the most dangerous part of the
sidewalk. Cab hops a curb, wap! You've
had your last egg sandwich.
JERRY
What about over there? You know air
conditioners fall out all the time.
KRAMER
I'd much rather get hit by an 80 pound
air conditioner than a two ton cab.
JERRY
No, cab's comin' in right here (Hand
at waist) Set of plastic hips,
prosthetic legs, and a monkey to answer the door, I'm back in
business.
KRAMER
Much rather take it to the head, Like
I did in '79.
JERRY
You were livin' in the village then,
right?
KRAMER
Don't really remember.
ELAINE
(Showing fingernails) Toxic waste green.
JERRY
That is disgusting.
ELAINE
You know, revulsion has now become a
valid form of attraction.
JERRY
Well, then you're drivin' me wild.
ELAINE
I had 'em done for the big Peterman
bash I'm throwin'.
JERRY
(George enters) Oh, why you havin' a
party?
ELAINE
I drive my people hard, and then I reward
them.
JERRY
Like with dogs.
ELAINE
Exactly.
GEORGE
Party?
ELAINE
Yeah.
GEORGE
Food?
ELAINE
Uh huh.
GEORGE
Bar?
ELAINE
Yeah.
GEORGE
George?
JERRY
He's gonna show up anyway.
ELAINE
George, I just don't want you interfering.
GEORGE
How could I possibly interfere?
JERRY
Isn't that what Jack Ruby said?
GEORGE
(Eating) Oh yeah. These are fantastic,
fantastic. (To server) You know,
I'd love to get a jump on the next batch, where do you come out?
(Server leaves)
(To Anna) She's been ignoring this section all night. Quesadilla?
ANNA
No thanks.
GEORGE
My name is George.
ANNA
Anna. I don't recall seeing you around
the office. Do you work in the mail
room?
GEORGE
No, I'm a friend of Elaine Benes.
ANNA
Oh. Excuse me. (She leaves)
GEORGE
So...
MAN
How 'bout leading us in a toast?
ELAINE
Oh sure. Hey guys, I wanna make a toast.
Um... Here's to us who wish us
well, and those who don't can go to hell... All right, who's
dancin'? C'mon, who's
dancin'? You want me to get it started? I'll get it started.
Whew! (She dances)
GEORGE
Sweet Fancy Moses!
KRAMER
You get the tickets?
JERRY
Who wants two? Special sneak preview
of Death Blow.
KRAMER
Death Blow: When someone tries to blow
you up, not because of who you are,
but for different reasons altogether. (Jerry buzzes up George)
Jerry, do you think
you can get an extra ticket for my friend Brody?
JERRY
Kramer, do you know what I had to go
through to get these?
KRAMER
Yeah, I know, but he's a big fan of
the genre. You know I'd consider it
a
personal favor to me.
JERRY
Yeah I guess I do owe you.
KRAMER
Uh, listen, do you want me to stay here
until George gets up?
JERRY
No, I'm okay.
KRAMER
There's no problem, really.
JERRY
I'm fine. (George enters, Kramer exits)
How was the party?
GEORGE
Food was good.
JERRY
So I didn't miss anything?
GEORGE
Well, actually you did miss one nugget
of entertainment. (Pause) Have you
ever seen Elaine dance?
JERRY
Elaine danced?
GEORGE
It was more like a full bodied dry heave
set to music.
JERRY
Did she do the little kicks and the
thumbs?
GEORGE
What, you mean you know about this?
JERRY
For some time. It was about five years
ago. I never knew what to say to her
about it. It was one of those problems I hoped would just go
away.
GEORGE
Well, sometimes you can't help these
people 'til they hit rock bottom.
JERRY
And by then you've lost interest.
GEORGE
Hey, you gotta take a ride with me later.
I borrowed my father's car. '68
GTO.
JERRY
What made him get that thing?
GEORGE
During that period when my folks were
separated he went a little crazy.
JERRY
Not a very long trip. (Enter Kramer)
KRAMER
Brody's in.
JERRY
I don't even have the extra ticket yet.
KRAMER
Well, you better get on the horn.
ELAINE
I'm tellin' you Jerry I'm gettin' a
vibe. If I didn't know better, I'd say
the staff completely lost respect for me. (Staff mocks her dancing
in the
background)
JERRY
How could that be?
ELAINE
Jerry, it's like the feeling is palpable.
You think it could have something
to do with the party?
JERRY
No, George was there, he said he had
a great time.
ELAINE
Oh, it's George. I bet you this is somehow
George related.
JERRY
Oh, what are you talkin' about?
ELAINE
He's like a virus. He attaches himself
to a healthy host company, and the
next thing you know, the entire staff's infected.
JERRY
Now you're talkin' crazy!
ELAINE
All right, Jerry, if that's not what
it is, you tell me. What is it?
JERRY
(Makes sound) Oh there's my call waiting,
I gotta get goin'.
ANNA
You have a minute to approve some copy?
ELAINE
Oh yeah, sure, sure. So, did ya have
a good time at the party last night?
ANNA
It was a real... kick.
ELAINE
Hey, did you happen to speak to my friend
George?
ANNA
As a matter of fact I did.
ELAINE
Ah hah. Well, listen. You would be wise
to keep your distance from him.
ANNA
Why? He seems harmless.
ELAINE
Oh he's not. He's very harmful.
ANNA
Really?
ELAINE
Oh trust me. He's a bad seed. He's a
horrible seed. He's one of the worst
seeds I've ever seen.
ANNA
And you two are friends?
ELAINE
Yeah, we're good friends.
GEORGE
So this Anna called me from out of the
blue.
JERRY
Really? I thought you were rebuffed.
GEORGE
With extreme prejudice.
JERRY
Maybe Elaine put in a good word for
you.
GEORGE
No, no. That's just the thing. Anna
told me that Elaine said I was one of
the worst seeds she'd ever seen.
JERRY
Interesting. She doesn't care for you,
then a stern warning, suddenly a
phone call. Seems Elaine's made you the bad boy. And Anna digs
the bad boy.
GEORGE
I'm the bad boy. I've never been the
bad boy.
JERRY
You've been the bad employee, the bad
son, the bad friend...
GEORGE
Yes, yes...
JERRY
The bad fiancé‚, the bad dinner guest,
the bad credit risk...
GEORGE
Okay, the point is made.
JERRY
The bad date, the bad sport, the bad
citizen... (looks at table as George
exits) The bad tipper!
JERRY
Half of show business is here.
KRAMER
There's Brody. Brody! Over here.
BRODY
Hey Kramer. And you must be Jerry. Thanks
for the ticket.
JERRY
That's quite a feed bag you're workin'
on there.
BRODY
It's for all of us. Is there a problem?
KRAMER
Brody, c'mon. He's just kidding. He's
a joke maker. Tell him, Jerry.
JERRY
I'm a joke maker.
KRAMER
All right, here we go, Death Blow. (Brody
takes out video camera)
JERRY
(To Kramer) Hey, hey, what the hell
is he doing?
KRAMER
Relax, he does that all the time.
JERRY
Does what?
KRAMER
He's making a copy of the movie for
sale on the street, huh?
JERRY
May I see you outside for a moment please?
KRAMER
But I want to--
JERRY
Outside!
ELAINE
Hey, have you seen Anna?
WORKER
Uh, she just went to meet your friend
George.
ELAINE
To meet George? I knew it. Where did
they go?
WORKER
The park, why?
ELAINE
Don't you see? George is in the bloodstream!
You stay away from him, too!
JERRY
What do you mean he's bootlegging the
movie?
KRAMER
Well, it's a perfectly legitimate business.
JERRY
It's not legitimate.
KRAMER
It's a business.
JERRY
Where did you meet this guy?
KRAMER
He's a friend of a friend. You know
Corky Ramarez up on 94th Street? One
day he and I are playing Pinochle--
JERRY
Kramer. (boom sound)
KRAMER
Man, we're missin' the Death Blow!
JERRY
I don't believe this. (They run into
theater)
ANNA
You know I'm not supposed to be talking
to you.
GEORGE
No one's putting a gun to your head.
Do I, uh, scare you?
ANNA
No... a little. Nice car.
GEORGE
Yeah, she's a sweet ride.
ANNA
Is that your orthopedic back pillow?
GEORGE
Maybe.
ANNA
Well is it or isn't it?
GEORGE
Guess not.
ELAINE
(To George) Stay away from her.
GEORGE
I didn't do nothin'.
ELAINE
(To Anna) Get in the car.
ANNA
But...
ELAINE
You heard me young lady, get in the
car. (To George) And you, you should
know better. I don't want you infecting
my staff.
GEORGE
Lighten up.
KRAMER
Go get 'em, Death Blow! (To Brody) You
okay?
BRODY
Uh, I got a cramp.
KRAMER
Well, it's no wonder. You ate that entire
bag of candy.
BRODY
Uh, there it goes again. Kramer, you
gotta drive me home.
JERRY
Hey, what is going on over there?
BRODY
Jerry, finish shooting the movie for
me.
JERRY
Are you nuts? There's no way I'm holding
that thing.
KRAMER
Jerry, if the man is in pain...
JERRY
Yeah well, maybe if he didn't lick his
fingers before he reached in the bag
we would've eaten some. Serves him right.
BRODY
(pulls out a gun) What are you some
kind of tough guy?
KRAMER
Okay. Let's everybody just relax. Jerry,
take the camera.
JERRY
All right, I'm takin' the camera.
KRAMER
(To Brody) C'mon, let's go.
JERRY
Oh man...
KRAMER
Hey man, so how was the rest of Death
Blow?
JERRY
How was the rest of Death Blow?
KRAMER
Yeah, who got the final Death Blow,
'cause I thought that Hawaiian guy had
it comin' to him!
JERRY
Kramer, you make me get a ticket for
this friend of yours and then the guy
forces me to bootleg the movie at gun
point!
KRAMER
He's quite a character, isn't he?
JERRY
You know, he came by here at 3 o'clock
in the morning to pick up the tape.
I was scared out of my mind!
KRAMER
I got it. Yep.
BRODY
Brody.
KRAMER
Come on up. It's Brody.
JERRY
What are you, crazy? I don't want to
see this guy again.
KRAMER
Jerry, you did him a favor. He probably
wants to come up and thank you.
JERRY
What if I didn't do it right?
KRAMER
It's your first time. He'll understand.
JERRY
People with guns don't understand. That's
why they get guns. Too many
misunderstandings.
KRAMER
Hey, Brody!
JERRY
Hi.
BRODY
Jerry, I have to talk to you about the
tape.
JERRY
Yeah.
BRODY
I've never seen such beautiful work.
You're a genius. The zoom-ins, the
framing. I was enchanted.
JERRY
Well, I did the best I could.
BRODY
I got another project for you. It's
a movie called Cry Cry Again. I was
gonna give it to one of my other guys,
but it's an arty movie and quite frankly,
they don't have the sensibility.
BRODY
May I use your phone?
KRAMER
Uh yeah. It's under the couch.
KRAMER
Look at you! You've got another gig!
JERRY
I don't want another gig! I'm not doin'
this.
KRAMER
But you have a gift. Jerry, this is
not your little comedy act. We're
talkin' feature films.
JERRY
We're talkin' federal crime here.
BRODY
(To Jerry) I'll expect that tape by
three o'clock tomorrow. (To Kramer)
May I borrow this? (Holding baseball
bat)
KRAMER
Sure, do you need a glove?
BRODY
Nah.
WORKER
I pressed through the rushes and there,
the native dancers whirled before me:
limbs flailing, arms akimbo, feet kicking
up dust... (All workers laugh)
ELAINE
What?
ANNA
Sorry, I got hung up.
ELAINE
At Yankee Stadium?
ANNA
This? It's mine.
ELAINE
Oh really? 'Cause it looks a little
big for you. It looks like something
a short, stocky, slow-witted, bald man
might wear.
ANNA
He's not stocky.
ELAINE
Who did that? Who did that?!?
KRAMER
(laughing) The French guy fell off the
bike. Oh man, that's precious. (eats
popcorn)
JERRY
No, no, no, no, no, no, no! What were
you thinking when you shot this?
KRAMER
That's fine.
JERRY
Do you even know what this scene is
about?
KRAMER
It's about a guy buying a loaf of bread.
JERRY
No, bread is his soul. He's trying to
buy back a loaf of his soul.
(Gesturing taking a loaf of bread.)
KRAMER
Wha? Where?
JERRY
Kramer there is no way you're giving
this tape to Brody and telling him I
shot it.
KRAMER
Nah, he's not going to know the difference.
JERRY
I don't care about Brody. I was up on
96th Street today, there was a kid couldn't
have been more than ten years old. He
was asking a street vendor if he had
any other bootlegs as good as Death
Blow. That's who I care about. The little
kid who needs bootlegs, because his
parent or guardian won't let him see
the excessive violence and strong sexual
content you and I take for granted.
KRAMER
So you'll do the movie? (Jerry watches
the movie Kramer shot)
JERRY
I have to. But I'm gonna need to storyboard
this whole thing. Where are my magic
markers?
KRAMER
Right here. (Elaine enters)
ELAINE
Well, I have lost complete control of
my staff. Why did I let George go to
that party? I mean, we were having so
much fun. We were wining, we were dining,
we were dancing. (She starts dancing,
Kramer flips out) What?
KRAMER
(He shows her) This umpf thing.
ELAINE
It's dancing.
KRAMER
No, no. That ain't dancing, Sally.
ELAINE
I dance fine.
KRAMER
You stink. (He exits)
ELAINE
He doesn't know what he's talkin' about.
(Jerry fake laughs) Jer? Jerry, I'm
a good dancer, right?
JERRY
I forgot to make my bed. (He tries to
get away)
ELAINE
Jerry, do I stink?
JERRY
All right, you're beyond stink.
ELAINE
But I really enjoy dancing.
JERRY
And that's not helpin' either. That's
why you're havin' trouble with your
staff, not because of George.
ELAINE
It's that bad?
JERRY
Have you ever seen yourself? (She starts
dancing) Ah, ah, please, please. Not
in my home. I gotta go throw this stuff
in the laundry. I'll be right back.
(Elaine sees video camera)
VOICE
I have George Costanza still holding.
ELAINE
George, hi. I have Anna here. There's
something I wanna say to both of you.
GEORGE
Yo, Anna.
ANNA
Hi, George. What're you up to?
GEORGE
(Ironing) You don't wanna know.
ELAINE
Uh, well, listen. I feel really horrible
about trying to keep you two apart and
I just wanted to apologize.
GEORGE
What're you talkin' about?
ELAINE
Well, George, I just want you to hear
me say to Anna that you're a good and
decent person.
GEORGE
Pick up the phone, Elaine. Pick it up!
ELAINE
I never should have given Anna the impression--
GEORGE
Pick it up, pick it up!
ELAINE
--that you're a bad seed, I mean, you're
a fine seed.
GEORGE
Elaine, get off the speaker! (Elaine
picks up phone)
ELAINE
What?
GEORGE
You are ruinin' everything.
ELAINE
I'm trying to help. Why are you being
so difficult?
GEORGE
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it. More
of that, difficult. I'm a
difficult seed.
ELAINE
George, I don't have time for this.
Uh, Anna, do you wanna talk to George?
ANNA
Um, no, I don't think so.
ELAINE
No, she doesn't want to. Okay, bye,
George. We'll see ya.
GEORGE
I'm a bad man!
BRODY
So where's the tape?
JERRY
No, I didn't shoot this one. I'm just
scouting the location.
BRODY
I need the tape.
JERRY
You'll get your tape. But here's what
I'm gonna need. I'm gonna need three
cameras, two on the floor, one in the
balcony. And I want headsets for the
guys runnin' 'em. I wanna be able to
talk to 'em.
BRODY
Are you out of your mind?
JERRY
Kramer...
KRAMER
I know, Jerry. It's okay. (Jerry steps
aside) Yeah, look, Brody. Uh,
Jerry wants to do the bootleg. He's dyin' to do it. But if you
don't make him
happy, the work suffers. And then, nobody's happy.
BRODY
Just shoot the damn thing so I can get
it out on the street!
JERRY
All right. That's it, I can't work like
this.
KRAMER
Jerry...
JERRY
I'm off the project. (He exits)
KRAMER
Jerry!
BRODY
I want the tape.
KRAMER
Yeah.
GEORGE
Well, I'm the good boy again. Can you
believe that?
JERRY
They think they can get anyone to shoot
these bootlegs.
GEORGE
Anna actually has respect for me now.
It's all over.
JERRY
Eh, the whole business has changed.
It's all about money now. The sad thing
is it's the kids that suffer. (Kramer enters)
KRAMER
Listen, man. You gotta shoot this movie
for me. Brody, he's a reasonable man,
but he's insane!
JERRY
Kramer, I'm not doin' this anymore.
I don't know what I was thinking. It's
illegal, it's dangerous...
GEORGE
Did you say dangerous?
GEORGE
I'm a bootlegger.
ANNA
You're a what?
GEORGE
I'm bootleggin' a movie, baby!
ANNA
Isn't that illegal?
GEORGE
I can do hard time for this one. And
community service!
ANNA
Is this your FiberCon?
GEORGE
(Takes it and throws it out window)
Get outta my way!
KRAMER
Jerry, George got arrested.
JERRY
What?
KRAMER
Yeah. He went at the Beekman, he tried
to land, but they cheesed him.
JERRY
Oh now I see. (Buzzer) Yeah.
BRODY
Brody, I'm comin' up.
JERRY
What're we gonna do?
KRAMER
Well, I gotta give him something. Come
on, where's that tape I shot?
JERRY
I think that's it. (They play it and
see Elaine dancing) Sweet fancy Moses!
KRAMER
Jerry, she taped over the whole ending!
(Brody enters)
BRODY
Where's the tape?
JERRY
Uh, well. It, uh...
BRODY
Is that it?
KRAMER
Uh, yeah, yeah. Here it is, Brody. One
copy of Cry Cry Again.
BRODY
How'd it turn out?
KRAMER + JERRY
Uh... great.
KRAMER
Although the whole story kinda comes
apart at the end there.
JERRY
Yeah, out of nowhere there's this lone
dancer who appears to be injured.
KRAMER
Yeah, it's a disturbing image.
JERRY
Yeah, so you cry... and when you see
the dancer, you cry again.
ANNA
(George is crying) It's all right, George.
You'll just pay a fine and
that'll be it.
GEORGE
Why did the policeman have to yell at
me like that? (Elaine enters)
ELAINE
Anna...
ANNA
Oh, Elaine, thanks for picking me up.
I can explain everything.
ELAINE
All right. Well, we'll talk about it
tomorrow at the office. (Mr. Costanza
enters)
FRANK
Okay, where's my boy?
GEORGE
Oh my God.
FRANK
I'm sitting at home, reading a periodical,
and this is the call I get? My son is
a bootlegger? (He hits George in the
head)
GEORGE
Ow! Dad...
FRANK
Who put you up to this, was it her?
ELAINE
All right. Wait a minute. I think you've
got it backwards.
FRANK
My George isn't clever enough to hatch
a scheme like this.
ELAINE
You got that right.
FRANK
What the hell does that mean?
ELAINE
It means whatever the hell you want
it to mean.
FRANK
You sayin' you want a piece of me?
ELAINE
I could drop you like a bag of dirt.
FRANK
You wanna piece of me? You got it! (They
begin to fight)
JERRY
But he's an old man, Elaine.
ELAINE
Well, he wrote the check, and I cashed
it.
JERRY
(Seeing a street vendor) Hey, it's the
bootlegged Death Blow that I shot.
ELAINE
Oh, Cry Cry Again, I wanna see that.
JERRY
No you don't.
MAN
You shot Death Blow?
JERRY
Yeah.
MAN
That was brilliant.
JERRY
Thank you. (They continue walking)
ELAINE
You were big.
JERRY
I'm still big. It's the bootlegs that
got small. So how are things at the
office? Back to normal?
ELAINE
Yeah, pretty much. Although I still
get the vibe every once in a while.
JERRY
I wouldn't worry about it. (People on
sidewalk behind them are doing her dance
as they go)
THE END
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