THE MANGO
Written by
Buck Dancer & Lawrence H. Levy
(nightclub)
JERRY
A female orgasm is kinda like the bat
cave. A very few people know where it
is and if you're lucky enough to see
it you probably don't know how you got
there and you can't find you way back
after you left.
(Monk's)
JERRY
So, what's her name?
GEORGE
Karin.
JERRY
Is she nice?
GEORGE
Great.
JERRY
So you like her?
GEORGE
I think so.
JERRY
You don't know?
GEORGE
I can't tell anymore.
JERRY
Well do you feel anything?
GEORGE
Feel? What's that?
JERRY
All right, let me ask you this: when
she comes over, you're cleaning up a
lot?
GEORGE
Yeah.
JERRY
You're just straightening up or you're
cleaning?
GEORGE
Cleaning
JERRY
You do the tub?
GEORGE
Yeah.
JERRY
On your knees, Ajax, scrubbing, the
whole deal?
GEORGE
Yeah.
JERRY
Okay, I think you're in love!
GEORGE
Tub is love?
JERRY
Tub is love. So there you are. You've
got a nice girl and a clean apartment.
GEORGE
Yep. There's one little problem.
JERRY
Sexual?
GEORGE
Yeeeaaah. Well..... I've never really
feld confident in..... one particular
aspect.
JERRY
Below the equator?
GEORGE
Yeah.
JERRY
Nobody does. You know, nobody knows
what to do. You just close your eyes
and you hope for the best. I really
think they're happy if you just make
an effort.
GEORGE
I don't know. Last time I got the tap.
JERRY
You got the tap?
GEORGE
You know, you're going along, you think
everything's all right and all of a
sudden you get that tap. (George taps
his own shoulder). You know it's like
pfffff (whistling sound), all right
that's enough, you're through.
JERRY
The tap is tough.
GEORGE
It's like the manager coming out and
asking you for the ball.
JERRY
Well maybe she just wanted to move on
to other business.
GEORGE
No, no, this wasn't moving on. I got
the hook. I wish I could get a lesson
in that.
JERRY
It's a very complicated area.
GEORGE
You can go crazy trying to figure that
place out.
JERRY
It's a haaazy mystery.
GEORGE
Anyway, I think everything else is okay.
Unless of course she's faking.
(Elaine joins them)
ELAINE
Who's faking?
GEORGE
Nothing.
ELAINE
Faking what?
GEORGE
Nobody's faking.
ELAINE
Ah! Orgasm?
GEORGE
She's not faking!
ELAINE
How do you know?
GEORGE
I know. I can tell. It's one of my powers.
Why, did you ever fake?
ELAINE
Of course.
JERRY
Really?
GEORGE
You faked?
ELAINE
On occasion.
JERRY
And the guy never knows?
ELAINE
No.
JERRY
How can he not know that?
ELAINE
Because I was gooood.
JERRY
I guess after that many beers he's probably
a little groggy anyway.
(Jerry and George laugh)
ELAINE
You didn't know.
JERRY
What?
ELAINE
You didn't know.
JERRY
Are you saying...
(George calls a waitress)
GEORGE
I think I'll have a piece of cake.
JERRY
With me?
ELAINE
Well...
JERRY
You faked with me?
ELAINE
Yeah.
JERRY
You faked with me?
ELAINE
Yeah.
JERRY
No.
ELAINE
Yeah.
JERRY
You faked it?
ELAINE
I faked it.
JERRY
That whole thing, the whole production,
it was all an act?
ELAINE
Not bad huh?
JERRY
What about the breathing, the panting,
the moaning, the screaming?
ELAINE
Fake, fake, fake, fake.
JERRY
I'm stunned, I'm shocked! How many times
did you do this?
ELAINE
Uuuhm, all the time.
JERRY
All the time?!
GEORGE
We got a chocolate malt in here!
JERRY
But I'm so good.
GEORGE
I'm sure you are.
ELAINE
Jerry, listen, it wasn't you. I just
didn't have 'em back then.
JERRY
She faked.
(George smiles sarcastically)
JERRY
Maybe they've all been faking.
ELAINE
I'm sure they're not.
GEORGE
Maybe Karin is faking.
(Jerry's apartment)
(Kramer is lighting his cigar on the stove)
KRAMER
She was probably joking.
JERRY
No no, it was no joke.
KRAMER
She didn't have any?
JERRY
No. None.
KRAMER
She faked 'em all.
JERRY
Faked 'em all.
KRAMER
Well so she faked 'em, so what?
JERRY
The woman had an orgasm under false
pretences. That's sexual perjury.
KRAMER
You know I heard her screaming from
my apartment? She woke me up a few times.
JERRY
How did she do it? She's like Meryl
Streep this woman. And I had to work
the equipment. I'm not unskilled, I'm
in the union. If she'd at least told
me, maybe I could have done something
about it.
KRAMER
Yeah I could have helped you out.
JERRY
What could you have done?
KRAMER
I could have given you some pointers.
I know how to press those buttons body.
JERRY
I'm feeling very inadequate about the
whole thing.
KRAMER
Aaaaah.
JERRY
Don't aaaaah! I'm supposed to do something
with her later? I don't even think I
wanna see her.
(The phone rings)
KRAMER
Giddy-up.
(Jerry picks it up)
JERRY
Hello... Oh hello Elaine.
ELAINE
So we're having dinner tonight?
JERRY
I don't know, I'm not really in the
mood.
ELAINE
Why? What's wrong? You're not still
thinking about this afternoon are you?
JERRY
What, the grilled cheese? Naaah, they
always burn the toast.
ELAINE
Nooo, the other thing.
JERRY
Oooh that. Well...
ELAINE
Oh come on, Jerry. Making to much of
a big deal about it.
JERRY
Yeah I guess. So you wanna meet at that
place at seven thirty?
ELAINE
Okay.
JERRY
All right.
ELAINE
All right, see you later.
JERRY
Bye.
ELAINE
Bye.
(Elaine's office)
(Rene walks passed the office)
ELAINE
Rene, can you come here a second? Let
me ask you something: have you ever...
you know... faked it?
RENE
Yeah, sometimes.
ELAINE
Really, like when?
RENE
Like if we went to a Broadway show,
if we had really good seats.
ELAINE
Yeah, well...
RENE
Well you know, if it's enough all ready
and I just wanna get some sleep.
(Jerry's apartment)
JERRY
I really don't feel like seeing her.
KRAMER
You know, I faked it.
JERRY
What?!
KRAMER
Yeah.
JERRY
You faked it? Why would you do that?
KRAMER
Well you know, if it's enough already
and I just wanna get some sleep.
JERRY
Yeah, but why would you...
(Kramer spits out his peach)
JERRY
Bad peach?
KRAMER
It's terrible!
JERRY
Did you get that at Joe's?
KRAMER
Yeah, of course I got it at Joe's.
JERRY
That's surprising, his fruit is usually
the best.
KRAMER
You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna
return this.
JERRY
You're returning used fruit?
KRAMER
Jerry this peach is sub par.
(Joe's)
JOE
So what do you want me to do?
KRAMER
I want restitution.
JOE
Restitution? You want restitution? Why
should I give you restitution?
KRAMER
Because it's no good.
JOE
When you put that fruit out, that's
where it ends for me.
KRAMER
It's still your fruit, you gotta stand
behind your fruit.
JOE
I stand behind my fruit.
KRAMER
So...
JOE
Hey, you got a bad peach? That's an
act of God. He makes the peaches. I
don't make the peaches, I sell the peaches.
You have a problem? You talk to him.
KRAMER
You know this whole place is going vrrrrrrrrrrrrt,
downhill. I could have come in here
last week with a bad plum but I let
it go.
JOE
Well let me put a solution for you:
do your business elsewhere, I don't
want your business.
KRAMER
Oh now you don't want my business.
JOE
No, I don't want your business and from
this moment you're banned from the store,
you're banned!
KRAMER
But what am I gonna do for fruit?
(restaurant)
(Karin starts moaning and lights a cigarette after finishing
dinner)
GEORGE
You seem like you really enjoyed your
Risotto. You have a very contented air
over there. You look very contented,
very satisfied. Are you satisfied?
KARIN
I'm very satisfied.
GEORGE
I'm sure if you weren't satisfied you
would probably say something wouldn't
you?
KARIN
I probably would. But then again I'm
an enigma.
GEORGE
Hey listen... instead of the movie...
maybe we'll go back and... you know...
KARIN
Maybe.
GEORGE
So... you feel okay about that whole
thing... what we do in there... generally
okay with everything in there?
KARIN
Generally.
GEORGE
Do you feel the way you feel after the
Risotto?
KARIN
No, I feel full after the Risotto.
GEORGE
Yeah... full.
((another) restaurant)
(Elaine starts moaning after finishing dinner)
JERRY
Satisfied?
ELAINE
Hey, you know what? You wanna go see
that new Meryl Streep movie?
JERRY
Meryl Streep?
ELAINE
You don't like her?
JERRY
Ah, she's okay.
ELAINE
I love her Jerry, she's so authentic.
I really believe everything is actually
happening to her. There's no acting
there.
JERRY
Yeah. You don't want coffee or anything
do you?
ELAINE
I really admire actors, you know. It's
just such an incredible skill.
JERRY
Yeah, yeah, can we get off of this?
ELAINE
What's the matter?
JERRY
Nothing.
ELAINE
You're not still thinking about that
are you?
JERRY
Nooo.
ELAINE
Oh good.
JERRY
Give me another shot!
ELAINE
What?
JERRY
Another shot, I want another shot.
ELAINE
You mean...?
JERRY
Yes!
ELAINE
Oooh no, I don't think so.
JERRY
Come on! One shot, I can do it, I know
I can do it!
ELAINE
Jerry, we're friends! We can't do that,
it would ruin our friendship.
JERRY
Oh friendship... friendship, shmanship
.
ELAINE
Jerry no, that's important to me.
JERRY
We won't ruin the friendship.
ELAINE
Yes we will!
JERRY
Elaine...
ELAINE
No Jerry, it is out of the question.
You know what sex does to a friendship,
it kills it.
JERRY
A half hour, give me a half our.
ELAINE
No!
JERRY
Okay, fifteen minutes. I guarantee you
fifteen minutes, I can make it happen!
ELAINE
No!
JERRY
You're worried I'll be able to do it
aren't you?
ELAINE
What, no, it doesn't matter. Jerry,
I don't care.
JERRY
That's it, that's it. You like having
this over me, you don't want me to do
it.
ELAINE
That is so ridiculous.
JERRY
Come on, Elaine!
ELAINE
No.
JERRY
Elaine?!
ELAINE
No!
(Karin's bedroom)
(George indicates that the sex went wrong)
GEORGE
It's Jerry's fault.
KARIN
Jerry?
GEORGE
Jerry and Elaine. They made me nuts.
KARIN
Oh I don't care, George, really it's
all right.
GEORGE
So you feel okay?
KARIN
Well, it's not like after the Risotto.
(Jerry's car)
JERRY
Well good night.
ELAINE
I still don't understand why we had
to walk out on that movie.
JERRY
Oh that Meryl Streep, she's such a phony
baloney.
ELAINE
Goodnight. Thanks for a really fabulous
evening (sarcastic).
JERRY
Oh what, you're upset?
ELAINE
Yes I'm upset, can't you tell?
JERRY
No I can't, maybe you're faking.
ELAINE
I'm really, really sorry I told you
that.
JERRY
I'm sorry too.
ELAINE
Well stop being such a baby.
JERRY
You're a baby!
ELAINE
You're a baby!
(Jerry's apartment)
GEORGE
It's all your fault! You and Elaine!
All that orgasm talk. She did have an
orgasm, she didn't have an orgasm. Orgasm
this, orgasm that. I got so focused
on it. I started to panic and boom,
I lost it. I tried everything, I was
talking to him: 'Please wake up, do
something.'
JERRY
They're mysterious little fellows aren't
they?
GEORGE
I hate 'em!
JERRY
You know it happens to everybody. It
happened to Houdini. And he could get
out of a trunk under water with his
hands in chains! But he had a problem
with that. The miracle is that it ever
happens.
GEORGE
It's like a magic trick. Sometimes I
think it would be easier to bend a spoon
mentally than to make that transformation.
(Kramer enters the apartment)
KRAMER
Hey listen, if I give you money would
you go out and get me some fruit?
JERRY
Why can't you get it?
KRAMER
Well I got banned from the store I can't
go back in there now.
JERRY
What happened?
KRAMER
Well you know, we had a fight over the
peach and... well Joe doesn't want my
business.
GEORGE
Hey, was that a joke about Houdini?
JERRY
No. (And to Kramer:) I told you not
to say anything.
KRAMER
Jerry, what am I gonna do for fruit?
JERRY
Well you'll have to go to the supermarket.
KRAMER
The supermarket? That's impossible!
They don't have a decent piece of fruit
at the supermarket. The apples are mealy,
the oranges are dry. I don't know what's
going on with the Papayas! Jerry you
gotta go to Joe's, you gotta get me
some fruit!
JERRY
Oh so what I'm going to buy all your
fruit now?
GEORGE
Well if Houdini couldn't do it, what
chance do I have?
(George leaves the apartment)
(The phone rings, Jerry picks it up)
JERRY
Hello... Oh hi Patty, thanks for calling
me back. I just wanted to ask you a
question: when we we're going out did
you have orgasms?... Okay, thanks...
No that's it... Okay, bye.
(Jerry hangs up the phone)
JERRY
Patty Lawrence had 'em!
KRAMER
Okay, I'm gonna make you a fruit list,
all right?
JERRY
Yeah.
(Jerry makes another call)
JERRY
Hello Elaine? Patty Lorens had orgasms
what do you think about that? And I
got calls in to six other women and
I bet you they confirm an orgasm too.
So what do you have to say now Elaine?...
Hello?
(outside Joe's)
JERRY
Why do I feel like I'm doing something
wrong?
KRAMER
All right now here's the list.
JERRY
All this? It's too much. What do you
need five mangos for?
KRAMER
I like mangos.
JERRY
Avocado? I don't know how to pick out
an avocado.
KRAMER
Well they gotta be soft.
JERRY
How soft?
KRAMER
Not too soft. Better too hard than too
soft.
JERRY
I'm not going through this every week,
I tell you that right now. And what
are these? Plums? What is that?
KRAMER
Yeah now get the ones that are red on
the inside.
JERRY
Well how do I know what they look like
on the inside? What do they look like
on the outside?
KRAMER
Oh! And get some plantains.
JERRY
Plantains?
KRAMER
Yeah.
JERRY
What the hell is a plantain.
KRAMER
It's part of the banana family. It's
a delicacy.
JERRY
You're not getting any plantains.
(Jerry enters Joe's)
JERRY
Hey Joe.
JOE
How is it going?
JERRY
Good, just getting some fruit for myself.
Gotta have fruit in the house. I like
it as a snack. Wholesome, natural, chock-full
of vitamins. I don't know let's see...
mangos... four plums with red on the
inside... avocado... ooo, just right...
and three plantains ought to do it.
JOE
All right, all right, just hold it right
there.
JERRY
What?
JOE
This fruit isn't for you.
JERRY
What, what are you talking about?
JOE
You think I don't know? Mangos, plantains,
plums with the red on the inside, that's
Kramer!
JERRY
I can't buy mangos and plantains?
JOE
All right, get out!
JERRY
You're making a big mistake, Joe!
JOE
I'll tell you something else: I don't
what your business anymore either.
JERRY
You're saying you're banning me from
the store?
JOE
That's exactly what I'm saying.
JERRY
I'm banned?!
JOE
You're banned.
(Jerry's apartment)
GEORGE
All right, where do you want it?
JERRY
Put it over there.
KRAMER
Yes! Oh look at this, these mangos are
beautiful! Oh these are beautiful, you
did good George.
(Kramer leaves the apartment)
GEORGE
All right I gotta get going.
JERRY
What are you doing?
GEORGE
I got a date with Karin. I don't know
what I'm gonna do. Nothing happening
down there.
JERRY
You're thinking about it too much. You're
putting too much emphasis on it.
GEORGE
I knew this was gonna happen some day.
It was inevitable. I've known it ever
since I was a little kid. I've been
waiting for it.
(Kramer enters the apartment)
KRAMER
This mango is delicious!
GEORGE
That reminds me, I'm not getting you
guys any more fruit. That guy was eyeballing
me the whole time. He gave me the creeps.
All right, you owe me twenty-eight sixty.
JERRY
Sorry, I don't have any cash.
KRAMER
I only got hundreds.
GEORGE
All right I knew it.
KRAMER
Come on, come on, we're gonna pay you!
Here have some mango.
GEORGE
I don't want any mango.
KRAMER
Come on, take some. It's good.
(George tries a piece)
GEORGE
Very good. Juicy. Ripe. This Joe's got
some terrific fruit.
(George looks a little weird)
JERRY
What?
GEORGE
I feel like I got a B12 shot. This is
like a taste explosion!
KRAMER
I told you.
(George stands still)
JERRY
What is it?
GEORGE
I think it moved. Oh my god, I think
it moved. Yeah, give me the big piece.
I'll see you later.
(Elaine enters the apartment)
ELAINE
Hi George.
GEORGE
I'm back, baby, I'm back!
(George leaves the apartment)
KRAMER
Want some mango?
ELAINE
No, thanks.
(Kramer leaves the apartment)
JERRY
Well well, if it isn't the first lady
of the American Theatre. What brings
you here?
ELAINE
Just gonna return some of your things
that were in my house.
JERRY
Oh and I've got some things of yours
here.
ELAINE
I know.
JERRY
Well I'll get them.
ELAINE
I'm waiting.
JERRY
All right. You got my fins?
ELAINE
Yeah I got your fins. You got my poker
chips?
JERRY
I got your poker chips. You got my goggles?
ELAINE
They're next to the fins. You got my
cards?
JERRY
They're next to the poker chips.
(They switch bags)
ELAINE
All right and that just about... does
it.
JERRY
I guess.
ELAINE
Okay, well... see you around.
JERRY
Yeah, see you.
(Elaine opens the door and then closes it again)
ELAINE
All right, let's go, I give you half
an hour.
JERRY
What?
ELAINE
Come on!
JERRY
Are you serious?
ELAINE
Look, Jerry, we have to have sex to
save the friendship.
JERRY
Sex... to save the friendship. Well,
if we have to...
(Karin's bedroom)
KARIN
Oh George, oooh.
GEORGE
Please, it's not necessary.
KARIN
What do you mean it's not necessary?
GEORGE
The little extra moan you threw in there.
Laying it on a bit thick, don't you
think?
KARIN
What are you talking about?
GEORGE
What am I talking about? Come on. You
don't think I bought all that?
KARIN
What, what?
GEORGE
You're very good. Very good with the
moanings and the gyrations. You really
had me going there for a minute.
KARIN
You think I was faking?
GEORGE
Come on: 'Oh George, oh Geeeooorge!'
Come on! Not that I don't appreciate
the effort that was put into it.
KARIN
I'd like you to leave.
GEORGE
What?
KARIN
I said, I would like you to leave. Come
on, just get your clothes on and get
out.
GEORGE
But why?
KARIN
Because I said so.
GEORGE
I can't find my glasses.
KARIN
Well hurry up.
GEORGE
I need to look for my glasses.
KARIN
Get out! Get out!! Get out!!!
(Jerry's bedroom)
(Elaine is reading a magazine and Jerry is making desperate noises)
JERRY
It's all George's fault. All that talk
about impotence. He got to me. And that
orgasm stuff: orgasm this and orgasm
that. It's a lot of pressure!
ELAINE
You know I'm a little hungry. You wouldn't
happen to have any of that mango left?
(Jerry looks like he's got an idea)
THE END
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