THE MOVIE
Written by
Steve Skrovan, Bill Masters & John Hayman
(Comedy club)
JERRY
What's with the age gap hiring policy
at most movie theaters? Didja
ever notice, they never hire anyone between the ages of fifteen...
and eighty, you know what I mean? Like, the girl that sells you
the
ticket, she's ten. Then there's the guy who rips the ticket,
he's a
hundred and two. So, what happened in the middle, there? You
couldn't find anybody? It's like they want to show you how life
comes full circle. You're fifteen, you sell the tickets. Then
you
leave, you go out, you have a family, kids, marriage, career,
grandchildren, eighty years later, you're back in the same theater
three feet away. Ripping tickets. Took you eighty years to move
three feet.
32 seconds)
JERRY
You don't understand. I got this all
timed out. I got another
KERNIS
I hear you, guy.
JERRY
And I'm doin' Letterman Monday. You
know, I gotta work out the
material!
KERNIS
Why don't you come back and do the 11
o'clock spot?
JERRY
No, I'm supposed to meet my friends
to see this movie "CheckMate"
AT 10
30.
BUCKLES
Hey, Jer!
JERRY
(not losing a step) Heeeeyyyyyyyy.....
(and out the door)
GEORGE
Excuse me, do you have a ticket?
MAN
No.
GEORGE
Okay. Good.
BUCKLES
Jerry!
JERRY
What are (you) doing here?
BUCKLES
Hey, do you think this is funny? "Why
do they call it athlete's
foot? You don't have to be an athlete to get it. I mean, my
father gets it all the time, and believe me, he's no athlete!"
ELAINE
I've been *dying* to see "CheckMate".
GEORGE
Well, if it's as good as "Ponce de Leon",
I'll be happy.
ELAINE
"Ponce de Leon", are you kidding me?
I hated that movie!
GEORGE
"Ponce de Leon"? But that was great!
ELAINE
Oh, (come on). That Fountain of Youth
scene at the end, where
they're all splashin' around, and then they go running over to
the
mirror to see if it really worked? I mean, come on! (laughing
too
hard to continue) That's stupid!
GEORGE
Lemme tell you sum'in. When Ponce looked
in that mirror and saw
that he hadn't changed, and that tear started to roll down his
cheek? ... I lost it.
KRAMER
Listen, I'm gonna get a hot dog at Payapa
King.
G+E
No, wait!
GEORGE
You're not going to get back here in
time!
KRAMER
I'm starvin', I haven't had any dinner!
ELAINE
You can get a hot dog in the theater.
KRAMER
I don't wanna get a movie hot dog!
(in tears) I want a Papaya King hot dog!
ELAINE
Kramer, Jerry is going to be here any
second, and then this line is
going to start moving, and we're going to end up in the front
row.
KRAMER
Well, just save me a seat.
ELAINE
No! I don't want to save seats. Don't
put me through that! I once
had the fleece just ripped out of my winter coat in a seat-saving
incident!
GEORGE
I'm in line to buy.
ELAINE
No, George, this is the ticket-(holders)
line.
GEORGE
No it's not, it's the ticket-(buyers)
line.
ELAINE
Then how come we're not moving?
KRAMER
Good question.
GEORGE
Is this the ticket holders line, or
the buyers?
MAN
Holders.
GEORGE
But I asked you before if you had a
ticket, and you said no!
MAN
I didn't. My friend was getting it.
GEORGE
(furious) Good. It's good to be accurate
like that.
ELAINE
Can you believe him?
KRAMER
He's spaced out.
ELAINE
How long would *you* have stood in the
ticket-holders line?
KRAMER
(thinks for a while)
ELAINE
(gives up) Yeah, exactly...
ELAINE
I don't wanna go to a... miniplex multi-theater!
GEORGE
It's the same movie! What's the difference?
ELAINE
It's not a theater, it's like a room
where they bring in POWs to
show them propaganda films.
JERRY
(to taxi driver) Take the Park!
BUCKLES
No no no, take 55th.
BUCKLES
Jerry, I want you to do me a favor.
No more fish!
JERRY
(rubbing his eyes hoping the nightmare
will end)
Okay, I get your point!
BUCKLES
I had a point?
GEORGE
Hey, you know what else is playing here?
"Rochelle Rochelle".
ELAINE
Sigh/Ugh.
GEORGE
I wouldn't mind seein' (that).
ELAINE
Yeah. You know, men can sit through
the most boring movie if
there's even the slightest possibility that a woman will
take her top off.
GEORGE
So what's your point?
GEORGE
By the way, you owe me seven fifty.
ELAINE
Oh, all right. Can you break a twenty?
GEORGE
No, I don't have any change.
ELAINE
Oh, well, then I'll pay you later.
GEORGE
Or, I could take the twenty, then I
could pay *you* later.
ELAINE
Yeah, you *could*...
GEORGE
Might be easier.
ELAINE
I mean, how is that easier? I mean,
then you would owe me twelve
fifty instead of me owing you seven fifty.
GEORGE
(trying to act as if he doesn't care
one way or the other, but we
know better) Either way.
ELAINE
Yeah.
GEORGE
So... Can I have it?
ELAINE
I tell you what, I'll get the popcorn
and the soda.
GEORGE
Whaddya mean, you'll "get" the popcorn
and the soda?
ELAINE
I will buy your popcorn and soda. We'll
call it even.
GEORGE
I tell you what, you give me the twenty,
and I will buy
*you* a popcorn and soda, and I'll throw in a bon-bons.
ELAINE
(exasperated) George, you're sappin'
my strength.
GEORGE
You go in and save seats.
ELAINE
(in a panic) Me!? But that's three seats!
I can't save three
seats! I told you about that guy who tore up my winter coat!
BUCKLES
Jerry, I want you to have this piece
of material.
JERRY
That's very nice of you, but I can't
do the voices.
BUCKLES
Jerry! Don't start up with me!
JERRY
I gotta get out of this cab...
BUCKLES
But Jerry, quit riffing!
JERRY
No, I'm not riffing. I'm ignoring! Do
you understand the
difference?
BUCKLES
(pause) Can you help me get on The Tonight
Show?
ELAINE
No, these are saved.
MAN
All of them? C'mon, you can't take *four*
seats.
ELAINE
What, is that a rule?
GEORGE
Well, why don't *you* go, and I could
save the seats. You said you
didn't like saving anyway.
ELAINE
(stopping someone from sitting in the
seat next to her)
No, *TAKEN*, Taken, taken.
(to George) (shrugs) I'm getting the hang of it.
GEORGE
Why don't you give me the twenty, and
I'll stop and get change,
and then you and I can... uh... you-know, settle.
ELAINE
Can we do this later, George?
GEORGE
Psh. What's the point of even discussing
it? (condescendingly
takes her hand and pats it) You'll give me the money when you
have
it. (takes two steps, then reconsiders, then re-reconsiders)
I, I trust you.
KRAMER
Could you do me a favor? If you see
a guy that's five foot eleven,
he's got uh a big head and flared nostrils, tell him his friend's
going to be right back, okay?
ELAINE
No, I'm sorry, these are taken. ...
They're in the lobby buying popcorn. ...
What are you doing? These are taken, these are taken!
WOMAN
Which one?
ELAINE
These two and this one. ...
No! Don't come over here! These are taken. Go! Go!
These are taken! They're taken! THEY'RE TAKEN!!!
ELAINE
Oh, take 'em.
GEORGE
Um, excuse me, have you see a guy with
like a horse face,
big teeth, and a, and a pointed nose?
CLERK
... flared nostrils?
GEORGE
Yeah.
CLERK
Nope, haven't seen him.
BUCKLES
Jerry, could you do me a personal favor?
And if I'm out of line,
*please*, let me know. Could I keep my trench coat in your closet
for a few months?
JERRY
Your trench coat in my closet?
BUCKLES
Jerry, my closet is packed to the gills,
I'm afraid to open the
door. Just for a few months. It'll make all the difference in
the world.
BUCKLES
We should see "Rochelle Rochelle". I
hear it's really hot.
JERRY
No thanks, maybe some other time.
BUCKLES
Really? Do you really mean that?
JERRY
No, I don't.
BUCKLES
You liked the athlete's foot bit, right?
JERRY
No. No. I was kidding. It's terrible.
JERRY
Hi, I got some friends inside, I gotta
get a message to 'em.
Mind if I walk through real quick?
USHER
(indicates "okay")
KRAMER
Hey, did that guy show up?
CLERK
The guy with the... horse face... and
the big teeth...
KRAMER
No, the guy with the big head and the
flared nostrils.
CLERK
Haven't seen him. There was a short
guy with glasses...
Looked like Humpty-Dumpty with a melon hat. But he left.
WOMAN
So I got home, and he was vacuuming!
I mean, he's twelve years old!
Who else but my Alan would do something like that?
WOMAN
And then last night, he put on my high
heels. Oh, he put on such a
show for us! He was dancing around, lip-sync'ing to "A Chorus
Line", I mean you can see he's got talent.
ELAINE
(annoyed) Excuse me, excuse me.
WOMAN
What's the problem?
ELAINE
(momentarily shocked, as if the answer
were self-evident)
You're talking.
WOMAN
It's the "Coming Attractions".
WOMAN
So anyway, he sings, he dances. And
do you know what he's gotten
into now? He is cooking! He does a crepe...
USHER
Ticket, sir?
GEORGE
Uh, I just went out, I went to look
for my friend?
USHER
Do you have your stub?
GEORGE
(as if the word were totally foreign)
My `stub'?
USHER
Mm hm.
GEORGE
You don't remember me?
USHER
It's a big city, sir.
GEORGE
I went in with a pretty woman? You know,
kinda short, big wall o'
hair, face like a frying pan?
GEORGE
(whispering) Elaine?
(loud whisper) Elaine!
(louder whisper) Elaine!
GEORGE
(quite out loud, not even pretending
to whisper) Elaine!
NARRATOR
The Village Voice calls it a masterpiece.
A young woman's
strange, erotic journey from Milan to Minsk.
NARRATOR
It's a story about life. And love. And
becoming a woman.
"Rochelle Rochelle", now playing at Paradise 2.
13:38)
ELAINE
Uh, could I have a medium Diet Coke?
CLERK
Do you want the Medium size or the middle
size?
ELAINE
What's the difference?
CLERK
Well, we have three sizes. Medium, Large,
and Jumbo.
ELAINE
(momentarily perplexed) What happened
to the small?
CLERK
There is no small. Small is Medium.
ELAINE
What's... medium?
CLERK
Medium is Large, and large is Jumbo.
ELAINE
Oh-kay. Gimme the large.
CLERK
That's medium.
ELAINE
Right. Yeah. (fearing the answer) Could
I have a small popcorn?
CLERK
There is no small. (flash of perky inspiration)
Child-size is small.
ELAINE
What's `medium'?
CLERK
Adult.
ELAINE
Do adults ever order the child-size?
CLERK
(chuckling) Not usually.
ELAINE
(laughs appreciably) Okay, gimme the
`adult'.
CLERK
Do you want butter?
ELAINE
Is it *real* butter?
CLERK
(perkily) It's butter-*flavored*!
ELAINE
(exasperated) What is it made of?
CLERK
(perkily) It's yellow!
JERRY
44th and 9th.
DRIVER
Have you got a cigarette?
JERRY
No.
USHER
Ticket, sir?
GEORGE
We've just been through this! You don't
remember? We just had
this exact same conversation a minute ago!
USHER
I need to see your stub.
GEORGE
(realizing the only way out is to show
the stub) I've got the stub.
GEORGE
There you go, okay? That's my *other*
friend's ticket.
You happy now? You got two tickets.
USHER
Ticket, sir?
KRAMER
Uh, no, see, my friend already bought
me a ticket.
I'm late, and she's inside.
USHER
Go ahead.
KRAMER
Is that seat taken?
WOMAN BEHIND ELAINE
It's all yours.
DRIVER
I'm very sorry, you give me few minutes.
I have to stop for gasoline.
JERRY
Gasoline? Can't you get it after you
drop me off?
DRIVER
(taken aback) No! Impossible! It is
on `Empty'!
MAN
You're soaking wet. Who are you?
ROCHELLE
My name is Rochelle, I'm from Milan.
I'm supposed to visit my relatives in Minsk.
MAN
Here, stand by the fire. Take off those
wet clothes,
you'll catch cold.
ROCHELLE
Oh, my hand's so cold, I can barely
get these buttons open.
ROCHELLE
Oh, that's much better. Much...
ELAINE
I just went to get popcorn... Ugh...
(shakes more popcorn)
I just went to get popcorn, okay?
And and and somebody took my seat, and my coat is in there!
USHER
There's a seat in the front row.
ELAINE
No no, I can't sit in the front row.
USHER
Well, you're going to have to wait,
then.
ELAINE
I can't stand around here for *two hours*!
USHER
I could let you see "Rochelle Rochelle".
ELAINE
(heavy sarcasm) Oh. Thanks.
ELAINE
Oh, hey, listen, by the way, have you
seen a tall... lanky...
doofus, with a, with a bird-face and hair like the Bride of
Frankenstein?
USHER
Haven't seen him.
JERRY
Hey, did I make it?
KERNIS
Sorry.
JERRY
Oh, great. That's great. What a night.
ANNOUNCER
Pat Buckles, ladies and gentlemen.
Another round of applause for Pat Buckles!
JERRY
You got my spot?
BUCKLES
That athlete's foot bit killed!
JERRY
Really...
BUCKLES
Do you think I need to lose some weight?
JERRY
Weight? Naw. Just need some more height.
JERRY
My whole night's ruined.
I didn't do any sets, didn't do any movies...
BUCKLES
Come on, we can still catch most of
"Rochelle Rochelle".
JERRY
"Rochelle Rochelle", huh?
BUCKLES
A young girl's strange, erotic journey
from Milan to Minsk.
JERRY
(his interest piqued) Minsk?
ELAINE
Oh, gimme a break!
JERRY
Elaine?
ELAINE
Jerry!
JERRY
Elaine!
VOICE
(whispered) Shut up.
GEORGE
Jerry?
JERRY
George?
GEORGE
Elaine?
ELAINE
George! (waves hi)
JERRY
Hey, where's Kramer?
VOICE
(whispered) Will you shut up?
ELAINE
I don't know. Does this movie stink
or what!
JERRY
Let's get outta here. (to Buckles) I'll
see ya.
BUCKLES
You're leaving?
JERRY
Yeah.
BUCKLES
(holding out his coat) Jerry, take the
coat. Please. One month.
JERRY
I don't want the coat.
BUCKLES
Jerry! Call me when you get home so
I know you're okay!
GEORGE
(studying his jacket) Oh man! Look at
this! I sat in gum.
Oh, by the way, you owe me seven fifty.
JERRY
I didn't even use the ticket!
GEORGE
I still paid for it!
JERRY
I only have a twenty.
ELAINE
That's my coat! Gimme that. Where did
you get that?
KRAMER
It was on the seat...
ELAINE
*YOU* took my seat!?
GEORGE
You uh owe me for the ticket.
KRAMER
Yeah, right...
ELAINE
What is that stain (on my coat)?
KRAMER
It's yellow mustard. (To George) Can
you break a twenty?
JERRY
I always get confused in the movie theater
by the, by the plot.
It's embarrassing. It's an embarrassment to have to admit,
but I'm the one that you see in the parking lot after the movie
guy from the (beginning)... Ohhhhhhhhhh..." Nobody will explain
it
to you. When you're in the theater, you can't find out.
(whispering to imaginary friends seated around him) "Why did
they
kill that guy?... Why did they kill him?... Who was that guy?
What
was the... I thought he was with them? Wasn't he with them? Why
would they kill him if he was with them? Oh, he wasn't *really*
with
them.... I thought he was with them. It's a good thing they killed
him."
THE END
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