THE OPERA
Written by
Larry Charles
(Comedy club)
The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that
men are all the
same, so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding
is like
the joining together of a beautiful glowing bride, and some guy.
The tuxedo
is a wedding safety device created by women because they know
that men are
undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just
takes one
step over and she marries the next guy. That's why the wedding
vow isn't 'do
you take Bill Simpson', its 'do you take this man'.
INSIDE JOE DIVOLA'S APARTMENT
JERRY
(answering machine) leave a message
and I'll call you back, thanks.
JOE DIVOLA
Jerry, Joe Divola. *Pbt* *Pbt* *Pbt*
I have a hair on my
tongue, I can't get it off, you know how much I hate that? Course
you do,
you put it there. I know what you said about me Seinfeld. I know
you
badmouthed me to the execs at NBC, put the kibosh on my deal.
Now I'm gonna
put the kibosh on you. You know I've kiboshed before, and I will
kibosh
again.
JERRY'S APARTMENT.
JERRY ENTERS
KRAMER ENTERS
KRAMER
So, what do you think?
JERRY
About what?
KRAMER
About the opera.
JERRY
Nah, I don't wanna go.
KRAMER
You gotta go.
JERRY
I-I-I don't like the opera. What are
they singing for? Who sings?
You got something to say, say it!
KRAMER
Jerry, you don't understand, that's
the way they talk in Italy,
they sing to one another. Kramer starts to sing in bad Italian.
JERRY
All right, all right.
KRAMER
That's the way it was, you know. You
listen to the language, its
got that sing songy quality. It's the language Jerry, the language
JERRY
So why don't they talk like that now?
KRAMER
Well its, uh, well its too hard to keep
up, you know, they were
tired.
BUZZER
KRAMER
Better get that
JERRY
Yeah?
ELAINE
(intercom) it's me!
JERRY
Come on up.
KRAMER
So, huh?
JERRY
I don't know
KRAMER
Oh come on Jerry, its opening night,
black tie, Pagliacci! The
great clown, the great sad tragic clown, like you.
JERRY
Well it's very flattering. How did you
get these tickets, I heard
they're impossible to get.
KRAMER
Oh, well I have many associates.
JERRY
I don't know, opera, it's not my kind
of thing.
KRAMER
All right, you not gonna go I'm not
gonna go, I'm gonna call the
whole thing off.
JERRY
No, wait a minute, wait a minute, that's
not fair, what about
George, Susan and Elaine, what do you need me for?
KRAMER
You're the nucleus, the straw that stirs
the drink. You're the
Miana!
JERRY
Well I guess if I'm the Miana I should
go. All right, all right.
ELAINE ENTERS
ELAINE
Hi!
JERRY
Hi!
KRAMER
Hey! Hi Elaine!
ELAINE
You got the tickets right?
KRAMER
Well no, I don't have them on me.
ELAINE
What? That's why I came all the way
over here.
KRAMER
My friends got 'em, I'm going to pick
them up tomorrow.
ELAINE
Oh, I was gonna surprise Joey with them,
you got an extra one
right?
KRAMER
Oh yeah!
JERRY
So I finally get to meet your pal Joey.
ELAINE
Its killing you isn't it?
JERRY
Yeah, so Joey's a great lover of the
opera
ELAINE
Listen, I got news for ya, its nice
to be involved with somebody
who's interested in something other than nick at night. Now he's
got a grip
on reality, he's happy, he's well adjusted.
JOE DIVOLA'S APARTMENT
Opera music playing (Paliachi?)
Divola is crying while lifting weights. Photos of Elaine are
scattered on
the floor.
JERRY'S APARTMENT
JERRY
Well I'm looking forward to meeting
him.
ELAINE
I've got to go
JERRY
Where are you going, what's the rush?
ELAINE
I'm going to surprise Joey, I've never
been to his apartment so I'm
just going to 'pop in'
JERRY
Oh, good, men love that!
Kramer is reading Jerry's mail under the lamp.
JERRY
Hey!
KRAMER
You've got a message buddy.
JERRY
Ooo, could be from that blonde
KRAMER
Oo yiggity diggigg
JOE DIVOLA
(answering machine message)'Jerry, Joe
Divola. I have a hair on
my tongue'
JOE DIVOLA'S APARTMENT
DIVOLA HAS HIS HAND OVER A CANDLE AND IS LAUGHING
JERRY'S APARTMENT
JERRY
(shouting) Kramer what am I going to
do did you hear that that guy's
gonna put a kibosh on me he's crazy he's out of his mind....
KRAMER
Steady, steady, now calm yourself, come
on, now get a hold of
yourself,
JERRY
What the hell he's supposed to be on
medication I don't understand
he told me he's getting medication what happened to his medication!?
KRAMER
OK Quiet! Quiet! Now let me think!
JERRY
I'm gonna call the cops. That's what
I'm doing, I'm calling the
cops.
KRAMER
The cops? What are you calling the cops
for? They're not going to
do anything!
JERRY
What do you mean they're not going to
do anything, they're the cops,
they gotta do something, he just put the kibosh on me, do you
know what the
kibosh means, its a kibosh!
KRAMER
Yiddigtkk ka kibosh.
JERRY
I mean it's a terrible mistake, I mean
he thinks I ruined some deal
of his at NBC, I don't know anything about any deal at NBC.
KRAMER
Call him and tell him
JERRY
That's what I'll do, I'll just call
him and tell him, I'll tell him.
That's all I'll do. He's a human being, I'll talk to him. He'll
understand.
Right?
KRAMER
Right.... Don't mention my name
JERRY
Oh, I got the machine.
KRAMER
What's his message like?
JERRY
Nice!
KRAMER
Eh!
JERRY
(into phone) Hello Joe, listen this
is Jerry Seinfeld, I really think
there's been a huge colossal misunderstanding,
KRAMER
Big! Big!
JERRY
and I feel if we can just talk about
this we can straighten the
whole thing out, so listen, so call me back. Bye.
JOE DIVOLA'S APARTMENT
The door is open. Elaine knocks and then enters.
ELAINE
Joey? Joey?
She sees a wall covered in photos of her.
Joe Divola enters and shuts the front door.
ELAINE
Oh god, oh, its you! You scared me!
JOE DIVOLA
Good. Fear is our most primal emotion.
ELAINE
You left your door open.
JOE DIVOLA
I know, I like to encourage intruders.
ELAINE
(laughs) What's all this?
JOE DIVOLA
Do you like it? My home is a shrine
to you.
ELAINE
Where did you get all these pictures?
JOE DIVOLA
I took them myself with a telephoto
lens. Coming out of your
office, your apartment, shopping, showering.
ELAINE
Showering?
JOE DIVOLA
I developed them myself in my dark room.
Would you like to see?
ELAINE
In the dark room? Uh no, no thank you.
Not right now. I'm a day
person!... Are you all right?
JOE DIVOLA
Why
ELAINE
Well I don't know, you just don't seem
yourself?
JOE DIVOLA
Who am I? Who am I supposed to be?
ELAINE
That's a good question, good question,
its very... exerstential!
Who are you? Who am I? Yeah, well.
JOE DIVOLA
What are you doing here?
ELAINE
Oh, nothing, I just stopped by to chat,
you know, shoot the breeze.
JOE DIVOLA
Were you able to get those opera tickets
to Pagliacci from that
friend of yours? I'm really looking forward to it.
ELAINE
Oh, no, he couldn't get them. We're
not going.
JOE DIVOLA
Really?
ELAINE
Oh, dammit, you know I just remembered
I gotta go, I left something
on, the gas, the lights, the water in the tub. Something is on
somewhere so
I'm just gonna get the uh..
Divola is blocking the door with his head.
JOE DIVOLA
You know the story of Pagliacci, Nedda?
ELAINE
Uh.. I'm Elaine!
JOE DIVOLA
He's a clown whose wife is unfaithful
to him.
ELAINE
Oh.
JOE DIVOLA
Do you think I'm a clown, Nedda?
ELAINE
Do I think you're a clown? No, not if
it's bad to be a clown, if
it's bad to be a clown then you are definitely not a clown. But
if its good
to be a clown then, you know, I would have to rethink the whole
thing.
JOE DIVOLA
You've betrayed me with another, haven't
you, Nedda? Who is he.
I want you to tell me who he is. I want his name. Tell me his
name.
ELAINE
Oh, like any man would ever look at
me, come on, I'm gonna... get
out of here.
Divola blocks the door when Elaine tries to leave.
JOE DIVOLA
Pagliacci kills his wife.
ELAINE
Se, now that's terrible, that is not
a nice thing to do at all, I
don't know how this Paliachi thing turns out but you know I would
assume
that there is big big trouble for that clown
JOE DIVOLA
You're not leaving
Elaine sprays Divola in the eyes and he falls on his back. Elaine
leaves.
JERRY'S APARTMENT.
JERRY
(on phone) But officer, he threatened
me! I don't understand, that's
not right! What if it was the President of the United States
I bet you'd
investigate. So what's the difference, I'm a comedian of the
United States,
and I'll tell you I'm under just as much pressure. Alright, thanks
anyway,
ok bye.
Knock at door.
JERRY
(cautiously) Who is it?
GEORGE
It's George.
George enters wearing a very small tuxedo.
GEORGE
What, are you locking the door now?
JERRY
Well, well, look at you. It's a little
skimpy there isn't it?
GEORGE
Do you know the last time I wore this
thing? Six years ago, when I
made that toast at Bobby Leighton's wedding.
JERRY
Ooo, that was a bad toast.
GEORGE
It wasn't that bad.
JERRY
I never heard anybody curse in a toast.
GEORGE
I was trying to loosen 'em up a little
bit.
JERRY
There were old people there, all the
relatives. You were like a Red
Fox record. I mean, at the end of the toast nobody even drank.
They were
just standing there, they were just frozen! That might have been
one of the
worst all time toasts.
GEORGE
Alright, still her father didn't have
to throw me out like that, he
could have just asked me to leave. The guy had me in a headlock!
Susan's not
going tonight you know.
JERRY
What do you mean not going? why not?
GEORGE
I don't know, she said she had to pick
up a friend of hers at the
airport. It cost me a hundred dollars this ticket.
JERRY
Why doesn't she pay for hers?
GEORGE
That's a very good question. You know
she and I go out for dinner,
she doesn't even reach for the check. That's all I'm asking for
is a reach.
Is that so much to ask for?
JERRY
It's nice to get a reach.
Loud thump is heard from the front door.
JERRY
Who is it?
KRAMER
It's me!
Kramer is on the floor
KRAMER
What, are you locking the door now?
JERRY
Because of Divola! Get in here... How
come you're not dressed?
KRAMER
I am dressed.
JERRY
You're going like this?
KRAMER
Yeah. Hey I want you to hear something.
JERRY
I thought you said people dress up when
they go to the opera!
KRAMER
People do, I don't.
JERRY
Well what about me! If you're going
like that, I'm not going like
this.
GEORGE
Wait a minute, wait a minute, do you
think I'm comfortable here. I
can't change, I've got no clothes here! You've got to go like
that, I can't
go like this alone!
JERRY
Why should I be uncomfortable just because
my apartment is closer to
town hall than yours?
GEORGE
That's not the issue, we're friends,
if I've got to be
uncomfortable, you've got to be uncomfortable too!
JERRY
All right, all right, I'll wear this.
It's bad enough I've got to go
to the opera I've got to sit next to ozzie nelson over here.
Kramer is playing opera music
JERRY
Would you turn that down! What is that
crap!
KRAMER
It's Pagliacci!
JERRY
Oh beautiful. Listen, we've got a little
problem here, we've got two
extra tickets.
KRAMER
Why? What happened?
JERRY
Well Susan isn't going and Elaine just
left me a message her friend
isn't going either.
KRAMER
That's fantastic! We'll scalp the tickets,
we'll make maybe five
hundred a ticket.
GEORGE
What? Really?
KRAMER
Yeah.
GEORGE
People are looking for tickets here?
KRAMER
What, are you kidding? Opening night
Pavarotti and Pagliacci. Ha,
we're gonna clean up!
GEORGE
Oh man! I knew I was gonna love the
opera.
JERRY
Oh yeah right.
KRAMER
OK come on, let's go get the tickets.
GEORGE
All right, all right.
JERRY
All right, you guys listen, I've got
to wait here for Elaine, I'll
meet you in front of the theatre.
GEORGE
Oh, wait, isn't scalping illegal?
KRAMER
Oh yeah!
Kramer and George leave.
INSIDE DIVOLA'S APARTMENT
Opera music is playing, Joe Divola is putting on white clown
make up.
END OF ACT 1
OUTSIDE THE THEATRE.
Jerry and Elaine are waiting.
JERRY
You sprayed him in the eyes with Binaca?
ELAINE
Cherry Binaca, it's new.
JERRY
See, I don't get that. First they come
out with the regular, then a
year later they come out with the cherry. They know that we like
the cherry,
start with cherry! Then come out with the regular!
ELAINE
It's like I didn't even know him. He's
like a totally different
person.
JERRY
Well you should hear the message from
my nut. Where's George and
Kramer, I want to get inside already, I don't like standing out
here, I feel
very vulnerable.
Jerry drops a coin that he was tossing.
JERRY
Hey, hey, what are you doing, that's
my quarter.
MAN#!
No it's not, it's mine.
JERRY
I was just flipping it, it's mine.
MAN#!
No, I dropped it, it's mine.
JERRY
All right, do you want the quarter,
take the quarter, but don't try
and tell me it's yours.
MAN#!
Well it is mine.
JERRY
What, do you think I care about the
money? Is that what you think?
You want me to show you what I care about money? Here look, here
look at
this, here's a dollar here look, there, that's how much I care
about money.
Jerry tears up the dollar.
MAN#!
You think I care about money, that's
how much I care about money, I
don't care about money.
JERRY
Oh yeah, well why don't you Just get
lost.
MAN#!
Why don't you get lost.
JERRY
Because I was standing here, that's
why.
MAN#!
Oh Yeah?
JERRY
Yeah!
The man walks away.
JERRY
I kinda like this opera crowd, I feel
tough... Anybody else got a
problem?
IN THE PARK
Joe Divola, dressed up in a clown suit is walking through the
park.
PARK GUY#1
Hey clown!
PARK GUY#2
hey clown!
PARK GUY#1
Make us laugh, clown!
PARK GUY#2
Nice face, clown!
PARK GUY#2
Make me laugh, clown!
Divola kicks them all to the ground.
ALLEYWAY
Kramer and George are trying to sell the tickets.
KRAMER
I got two, I got two huh, Paliachi,
who needs two, Pagliacci, come
on, the great tragic clown, come on, check it out, he laughs,
he cries, he
sings, Pagliacci. Hey, I got two beauties right here, check it
out all
right.
MAN#2
Hey, hey. Are you selling.
KRAMER
Oh yeah, I'm selling.
MAN#2
Where are they?
KRAMER
Orchestra, Row G, dead center, primo!
You'll think you died and
went to heaven.
MAN#2
What do you want for them.
KRAMER
All right, I'll tell you what I'll do.
Cause you look like a nice
guy, a thousand dollars for the duce.
MAN#2
I'll give you five hundred for the pair.
GEORGE
Ok, it's a deal!
KRAMER
Pzzzt. No.
GEORGE
No? Are you crazy?
KRAMER
Look, let me handle this.
GEORGE
Five hundred dollars, that's a great
deal!
KRAMER
You're blowing this, the guys a pigeon.
The man walks away
GEORGE
Did you see that? The guy's walking
away. What is wrong with you?
That was a three hundred dollar profit.
KRAMER
Look, I know what I'm doing here George.
GEORGE
This is not a Metallica concert, it's
an opera alright, a little
dignity, a little class, just give me my ticket, I will stand
over here and
sell it.
KRAMER
Oh, yeah.
GEORGE
Thank you very much. You just stand
over there, I'll stand over
here.
KRAMER
I know where I'm standing.
GEORGE
Alright.
KRAMER
Hey!
GEORGE
(shouting) Get your Paliachi!
OUTSIDE THEATRE
JERRY
Where are they already?
ELAINE
I guarantee they don't sell either one
of those tickets.
JERRY
Hey, look, there's Bobby Eighteen's
father-in-law, Mr Reichman.
George and I were just talking about that today, I can't believe
it! That's
the guy who threw George out of the wedding.
ELAINE
Oh, yeah, when George made that bad
toast!
JERRY
Do you remember the curse toast?
ELAINE
Oh yeah, the curse toast.
JERRY
So, can you believe that message? Now
I've got to spend the rest of
my life looking over my shoulder.
ELAINE
Me too
JERRY
Crazy Joe Divola
ELAINE
How do you know his name?
JERRY
What do you mean? Why wouldn't I know
his name?
ELAINE
I never told you his name.
JERRY
I never told you his name.
ELAINE
Wait a second, who are we talking about
here?
JERRY
Joe Divola.
ELAINE
Right, Joe Divola
JERRY
How do you know his name?
ELAINE
I've been out with him three times,
I should know the mans name.
They click
JERRY
Oh my god, its Joe Divola
ELAINE
Is he stalking you? are you kidding
me?
JERRY
That madman is trying to kill me.
ELAINE
Oh, Jerry, why didn't you tell me his
name! Oh my god, he accused
me of seeing someone else, he said tell me his name, he said
tell me his
name!!
JERRY
Oh! He said that! Can you imagine what
he'll do if he sees me with
you! He'll think I'm the one who ruined his deal at NBC and took
away his
girl, he'll put a kibosh on me!
ELAINE
Oooohh, what about me!
Divola walks up to them, dressed in the clown suit.
JOE DIVOLA
Excuse me
ELAINE&JERRY
Aaahhhhh!!
ALLEYWAY
George still hasn't sold the ticket.
GEORGE
But this is Pavarotti!
MAN#3
Three hundred dollars, that's a lot
of money.
Mr & Mrs Reichman are walking through the alley
MR REICHMAN
You know Steven Holstman (?) did a production
at Tunis last
yeas and from what I understand, the Moslems really took to it.
GEORGE
All right, I'll tell you what, you seem
like a nice guy, let's stop
jerking around. Give me.. two hundred and fifty dollars, I've
got people
waiting for me, I've got to get the hell out of here.
MR REICHMAN
Scalping! I told them to put out extra
security.. Excuse me.
GEORGE
Hey pop, would you buzz off, I've got
something cooking.
MR REICHMAN
Costanza!?
GEORGE
Mr Reichman?
MR REICHMAN
You've still got a mouth like a surd
give me those tickets.
MRS REICHMAN
Harold, no, Harold, Harold be careful
of you're hair
transplant!
OUTSIDE THE THEATRE
JOE DIVOLA
Anything is welcome, I accept change.
JERRY
I don't have anything, I gave it to
that guy.
JOE DIVOLA
You know, you could just say no, you
don't have to humiliate
me. I may be dressed as a clown but I am a person.
JERRY
I'm telling you, the guy took.....
JOE DIVOLA
And I don't need people like you looking
down their noses at
me. I am just a street performer out here trying to make enough
to get by.
Mrs Reichman runs past
MRS REICHMAN
Doctor! Doctor! Is there a doctor anywhere!
JOE DIVOLA
What, are you showing off to your girlfriend
here, is that it?
ELAINE
I'm not his girlfriend. We dated for
a while, but things didn't
really work out.
JOE DIVOLA
You people make me sick.
JERRY
That is one angry clown!
COMEDY CLUB
JERRY
The hardest part about being a clown,
it seems to me, would be that
you're constantly referred to as a clown. "Who was that clown?",
"I'm not
working with that clown, did you hire that clown?", "The guy's
a clown!".
How do you even start into being a clown, how do you know that
you want to
be a clown, I guess you get to a point where you're pants look
so bad, it's
actually easier to become a clown than having the proper alterations
done.
Because if you think about it, a clown, if there isn't a circus
around them,
is really just a very annoying person. You're in the back seat
of this guys
Volkswagen, "What, you're picking somebody else up? Oh man!"
END OF ACT 2
JERRY
(Singing) Camera, curtains, lights -
This is it, we'll hit the
heights - Oh what heights we'll hit - On with the show this is
it!
ELAINE
You know, it is so sad, all your knowledge
of high culture comes
from bugs bunny cartoons.
JERRY
Oh there's that clown again, what does
he want from me. Look I'm
serious, I'm not kidding, I don't have the quarter, that guy
took it.
JOE DIVOLA
I don't want any money.
ELAINE
I smell cherry.
JOE DIVOLA
It's Binaca.
JERRY
Binaca?
They see the real clown singing and realize that they are talking
to Crazy
Joe. They run away.
ALLEYWAY
George is finalizing the deal.
GEORGE
What did we say? Two seventy-five?
MAN#3
Two fifty.
GEORGE
Two fifty? Are you sure
MAN#3
Yeah, yeah, I'm sure.
GEORGE
All right, all right, two fifty.
SUSAN
George!
GEORGE
S-Susan
SUSAN
I can't believe it, I'm so glad I caught
you.
GEORGE
What are you doing here, I though you
were going to the airport.
SUSAN
Oh, there was some problem with the
plane, they landed in
Philadelphia.
GEORGE
So what, they don't have another plane?
She couldn't take a bus?
SUSAN
She's coming in tomorrow. I made it!
GEORGE
Yeah you made it, how about that.
SUSAN
Oh, I'm so excited, now we get to see
the opera together.
George gives the man the ticket and takes the money.
GEORGE
We get to go to the opera together!
SUSAN
Who's that?
GEORGE
That's-that's-Harry Fong, he's a very
good friend of mine and he's
a big opera buff. Enjoy the show there harry!... You know what.
ENTRANCE TO THEATER.
JERRY
Come on, you gotta let us in
USHER
Not without tickets.
JERRY
We have tickets, we just don't have
'em with us.
USHER
Well that's a problem. Excuse me.
JERRY
You don't understand, someone's after
us, a crazy clown is trying to
kill us.
USHER
A crazy clown is after you? Oh that's
rich. Now clear the entrance so
people with tickets can get through.
Kramer slides in.
JERRY&ELAINE
We're with him, we're with him.
KRAMER
Are you guys ready?
JERRY&ELAINE
Yeah, Yeah!!
KRAMER
Have you seen George?
JERRY
We thought he was with you.
ELAINE
Come on, he's on his own, come on!
SITTING IN THE THEATER
KRAMER
These are great seats huh?
ELAINE
Yeah
KRAMER
Yeah
JERRY
Boy, some cast, huh? Pavarotti, Aver
Martone.
ELAINE
Aver Martone. I've heard of her, who's
she playing?
JERRY
She's playing, Pagliacci's wife, Nedda.
ELAINE
Nedda?
JERRY
Yeah.
ELAINE
Oh my god..
Man #3 enters and shuffles to his seat.
MAN#3
Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.
Susan comes in from the other side.
JERRY
Susan! What are you doing here?
SUSAN
My Friend's flight couldn't make it.
JERRY
Where's George?
MAN#3
I got his ticket.
SUSAN
He decided not to come. He said he was
uncomfortable.
JERRY
Uncomfortable? How does you think I
feel?.. Hey let me ask you
something, how much did you pay for that ticket?
MAN#3
One seventy-five.
JERRY
Kramer, who'd you sell your ticket to?
KRAMER
Some nut in a clown suit!
The show starts, everyone claps except Elaine and Jerry who look
very
frightened.
(Comedy club)
JERRY
I had some friends drag me to an opera
recently, you know how
they've got those little opera glasses, you know, do you really
need
binoculars, I mean how big do these people have to get before
you can spot
'em. These opera kids they're going two-fifty, two-eighty,
three-twenty-five, they're wearing big white woolly vests, the
women have
like the breastplates, the bullet hats with the horn coming out.
If you
can't pick these people out, forget opera, think about optometry,
maybe that's more you're thing.
THE END
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