THE OUTING
Written by
Larry Charles
(Comedy club)
JERRY
I don't know about you, but I'm getting
sick of pretending to be excited
every time it's somebody's birthday, you know what I mean? What
is the
big deal? How many times do we have to celebrate that someone
was born?
Every year, over and over... All you did was not die for twelve
months.
That's all you've done, as far as I can tell. Now those astrology
things where they tell you all the people that have the same
birthday as
you? It's always an odd group of people too, isn't it? It's like
Ed
Asner, Elijah Muhammed and Secretariat.
(George dropping off his date for the night)
ALLISON
I don't want to *live*! I don't want
to *live*!
GEORGE
Because of me? You must be joking! Who
wouldn't want to live because
of me? I'm nothing!
ALLISON
No... You're *something*.
GEORGE
You can do better than me. You could
throw a dart out the window and
hit someone better than me. I'm no good!
ALLISON
You're good. You're *good*!
GEORGE
I'm bad. I'm *bad*!
ALLISON
You're *killing* me!
GEORGE
So what could I do? I couldn't go through
with it. She threatened
to kill herself.
ELAINE
Over you?
GEORGE
Yes. Why, is that so inconceivable?
(Elaine and George exchange thoughts on what they got Jerry for
his birthday)
GEORGE
I got two tickets to see "Guys And Dolls".
ELAINE
I got him a two-line phone.
(Jerry returns to the booth and explains the phone call.)
JERRY
Unbelievable! She's not there.
GEORGE
What paper does she write for?
JERRY
The works for the NYU school newspaper.
She's a grad student in
journalism. Never been to a comedy club. Never even seen me,
has
no idea who I am.
ELAINE
Never even seen you? Gotta kinda envy
that...
JERRY
Y'know, you've been developing quite
the acid-tongue lately...
ELAINE
(Proudly) Really?
ELAINE
Hey, who do you think is the most unattractive
world leader?
JERRY
Living or all time?
ELAINE
All time.
JERRY
Well, if it's all time, then there's
no contest. It begins and ends
with Brezhnev.
ELAINE
I dunno. You ever get a good look at
DeGaulle?
GEORGE
Lyndon Johnson was uglier than Degaulle.
ELAINE
I got news for you. Golda Meir could
make 'em all run up a tree.
ELAINE
Y'know, just because you two are homosexuals,
so what? I mean you
should just come out of the closet and be openly gay already.
GEORGE
So, whaddya say? You know you'll always
be the only man I'll ever love.
JERRY
(indignantly) What's the matter with
you?
GEORGE
(quietly) C'mon, go along...
JERRY
I'm not goin' along. I can just see
you in Berlin in 1939 goose-
STEPPING PAST ME
"C'mon Jerry, go along, go along..."
JERRY
Y'know I hear that all the time.
ELAINE
Hear what?
JERRY
That I'm gay. People think I'm gay.
ELAINE
Yeah, you know people ask me that about
you, too.
JERRY
Yeah, 'cuz I'm single, I'm thin and
I'm neat.
ELAINE
And you get along well with women.
GEORGE
I guess that leaves me in the clear...
GEORGE
I just thought of a great name for myself,
if I ever become a porno
actor.
JERRY
Oh yeah, what? "Buck Naked"?
GEORGE
Yeah, how did you know that?
JERRY
You told me that already like two months
ago.
GEORGE
Allison bought it for me.
JERRY
How you gonna get out of *that* one?
GEORGE
I dunno. I guess I have to wait for
her to die.
JERRY
He's gonna hang around if that's alright
with you?
SHARON
Sure, I'd like to talk to him, too.
GEORGE
Jerry did you wash this pear?
JERRY
Yeah, I washed it.
GEORGE
It looks like it hasn't been washed.
JERRY
So *wash* *it*.
GEORGE
You hear the way he talks to me?
SHARON
You should hear how *my* boyfriend talks
to me...
GEROGE
Let me ask you something. What do you
think of this shirt?
SHARON
It's nice.
GEORGE
Jerry said he didn't like it.
JERRY
I didn't say I didn't like it. I said
it was O.K...
GEORGE
No, you said you didn't like it...
JERRY
Oh, so what if I don't like it. Is that
like the end of the world, or
something?
SHARON
So how did you two meet?
JERRY
Actually, we met in the gym locker room.
GEORGE
Yeah. Actually it was in gym class.
I was trying to climb the ropes
and Jerry was spotting me. I kept slipping and burning my thighs
and
then finally I slipped and fell on Jerry's head. We've been close
ever
since.
SHARON
Do you guys live together?
JERRY
(quizzically) Live together?
GEORGE
No, I got my own place.
SHARON
And do your parents know?
JERRY
Know *what*?
GEORGE
My parents? They don't know *what's*
goin' on...
JERRY
Oh God, you're that girl in the coffee
shop that was eavesdropping on
us. I *knew* you looked familiar!
JERRY
There's been a big misunderstanding
here! We did that whole thing
for your benefit. We knew you were eavesdropping. That's why
my
friend said all that. It was on purpose! We're not gay! Not that
there's anything wrong with that...
GEORGE
No, of course not...
JERRY
I mean that's fine if that's who you
are...
GEORGE
Absolutely...
JERRY
I mean I have many gay friends...
GEORGE
My *father* is gay...
SHARON
Look, I know what I heard.
JERRY
It was a *joke*...
GEORGE
Look, you wanna have sex right now?
Do want to have sex with me right
now? Let's go! C'mon, let's go baby! C'mon!
KRAMER
Hey, C'mon! Let's go! I thought we were
going to take a steam!
GEORGE
No!
JERRY
No steam!
KRAMER
Well I don't want to sit there naked
all by myself!
KRAMER
Happy birthday paruba!
JERRY
Today's not my birthday.
KRAMER
Well, I beg to differ...
JERRY
Look at this! A phone! A two-line phone!
JERRY
Hey, where you going?
ELAINE
I gotta go return something...
SHARON
Jerry, it's Sharon from NYU. I'm just
calling to tell you that I'm not
going to play up that angle we talked about and I'm sorry.
JERRY
Thank you very much, that's great- )click(
Oh! Hold on a sec, I got
a call on the other line. )click click( Hello?
GEORGE
Hey.
JERRY
Hey, how ya doin'? Y'know I got that
reporter from the newspaper on
the other line.
GEORGE
So, what did she say?
JERRY
She says she's not going to play up
that angle of the story. She
thinks we're heterosexual. (sarcastically) I guess we *fooled*
her.
I'll get rid of her, hold on... )click click( Sharon? Hello?
Sharon,
are you there? )click click( I'm back...
GEORGE
Y'know... I could hear you on the other
line...
JERRY
What are you talkin' about?
GEORGE
I heard what you said: "Sharon, are
you there?".
JERRY
You heard me talkin' on the other line,
are you sure?
GEORGE
Yes, I heard you!
JERRY
Well, maybe she was disconnected.
GEORGE
Maybe she wasn't! Maybe she heard the
whole conversation!
JERRY
Alright, hang on. Let me call Kramer
and see if you can hear anything,
hold on. )click click click(...
KRAMER
Yello?
JERRY
Kramer, there may be a problem with
the phone, hold on. )click click(
GEORGE
"There may be a problem with the phone,
hold on"!
JERRY
Oh no! )click click( Kramer, this phone's
a piece of junk, goodbye!
GEORGE
"The phone's a piece of junk, goodbye"!
JERRY
Oh no! Now she's heard everything! What
are we gonna do?!?
GEORGE
Now she thinks we're gay, not that there's
anything wrong with it...
JERRY
No, no, of course not! People's personal
sexual preferences are
nobody's business but their own!
SHARON
Why don't you take a seat?
ELAINE
Thank-you.
SHARON
Why don't you take your coat off?
ELAINE
So she kept insisting I take off my
coat. I refused, and then she
forcibly tried to get me to remove it.
JERRY
She wouldn't take her coat off at my
house, either.
GEORGE
Y'know there are tribes in Indonesia
where if you keep your coat on
in somebody's house, the families go to war!
JERRY
So you don't take your coat off, and
now everyone at NYU thinks I'm gay.
Not that there's anything wrong with that...
GEORGE
Not at all.
GEORGE
Two tickets to "Guys And Dolls"! I'm
gonna go with you!
JERRY
"Guys And Dolls"? Isn't that a lavish,
Broadway musical?
GEORGE
It's "Guys And *Dolls*", not "Guys And
*Guys*".
JERRY
"The Collected Works Of Bette Midler".
JERRY
What do you got there?
MAN #1
_The New York Post_, they've got an
article about you.
JERRY
"Although they maintain separate residences,
the comedian and his
long-time *companion* seem to be inseparable..." Oh no! The Associated
Press picked up the NYU story. That's going to be in every paper!
I've been "outed"! I wasn't even "in"!
GEORGE
Now everyone's going to think we're
gay!
JERRY
Not that there's anything wrong with
that...
GEORGE
No, not at all...
54)
JERRY
"Within the confines of his fastidious
bachelor *pad*, Seinfeld and
Costanza bicker over the cleanliness of a piece of *fruit* like
an old
married couple--" *I told you that pear was washed*!
KRAMER
I thought we were friends...
JERRY
Here we go...
KRAMER
I mean, how could you two keep this
a secret from me?
JERRY
It's not true!
KRAMER
Aaaah! Enough lying! The lying is through!
C'mon, Jerry, the
masquerade is over. You're thin, late thirties, single...
JERRY
So are you...
KRAMER
Yeah--
GEORGE
Hello?
MRS. S
George?
GEORGE
Mrs. Seinfeld?!?
MRS. S
Oh, my God...
JERRY
Oh, my God! (takes the phone) Ma?
MRS. S
Jerry?
JERRY
Ma!
GEORGE
Oh, my God! My *MOTHER*!!!
MRS. S
Jerry?
JERRY
Ma, it's not true!
MR. S
It's those damn culottes you made him
wear when he was five!
MRS. S
They weren't culottes, they were shorts.
MR. S
They were culottes! You bought them
in the girl's department.
MRS. S
By mistake! By mistake, Jerry! I'm sorry!
MR. S
It looked like he was wearing a skirt,
for crying out loud!
JERRY
Ma, it has nothing to do with the culottes!
MRS. S
Not that there's anything wrong with
that, Jerry.
MRS. C
I open up the paper, and *this* is what
I have to read about? I fell
right off the toilet. My back went out again, I couldn't move...
The super had to come and get help me up. I was half naked!
GEROGE
It's *not* *true*!
MRS. C
Every *day* it's something else with
you. I don't know anything about
you any more. Who are you? What kind of life are you leading?
Who
knows *what* you're doing? Maybe you're making porno films.
GEORGE
Yeah. I'm Buck Naked.
MRS. C
Jerry, I can see. He's so neat and thin.
Not that there's anything
wrong with it.
GEORGE
Of course not...
NURSE
6:30, Scott. Time for your sponge bath.
GEORGE
Alright, now the play is tomorrow night.
So do you want to have dinner
first, or do you just want to meet at the theatre?
SAILOR
Excuse me, sir? I don't mean to bother
you. I just wanted you to
know that it took a lot of guts to come out the way you did,
and that
you've inspired me to do the same, even though that may mean
a
discharge from the service. Thanks.
JERRY
Y'know, I think I'll pass on the "Guys
And Dolls"...
GEORGE
No. Just imagine her reaction.
ELAINE
Yeah...
GEORGE
Oh, my God...
JERRY
What?
GEORGE
She hasn't seen the article! When she
sees it, she's gonna think--
*I'm out baby*!! I'm out!!!!!
ALLISON
Yeah? So?
GEORGE
Yeah so??
ALLISON
Well this is nice. They mention your
name.
GEORGE
Don't you see what it says here? Don't
you understand what that's
implying?
ALLISON
No, what?
GEORGE
I'm gay! I'm a gay man! I'm very, very
gay.
ALLISON
You're *gay*?
GEORGE
Extraordinarily gay. Steeped in gayness.
ALLISON
(matter-of-factly) I don't believe it.
GEORGE
You don't believe me? Ask Jerry.
ALLISON
I will.
GEORGE
What do you mean you will? That's a
bad idea. Jerry is a very
private person.
ALLISON
(Grabs George's lapels) I want to hear
it from *Jerry*...
11)
SHARON
Oh, can you ever forgive me?
JERRY
I dunno... (they kiss again) *Alright*,
I forgive you...
SHARON
Y'know the funny thing is, I was attracted
to you immediately.
JERRY
I was attracted to you, too. You remind
me of Lois Lane.
GEORGE
Jerry! Oh, my God! What are you doing!?!
JERRY
What!?
GEORGE
You're with a *woman*!
JERRY
I know! What are you doin' here?!?
GEORGE
I leave you alone for two seconds, and
this is what you do! I
trusted you!
JERRY
(forcibly removing G. from the apt)
Would you get the Hell out of
here!
SHARON
What's going on?
ALLISON
Yeah, what's going on?
GEORGE
Alright, tell her. Go ahead.
JERRY
Tell her what?
GEORGE
Y'know. About *us*.
GEORGE
Alright, I'll tell you the truth. I'm
not gay. My name's Buck Naked,
I'm a porno actor.
ALLISON
*Really*?
KRAMER
We'll see you later...
KRAMER
He's the *phone* man!
KRAMER
Not that there's anything wrong with
that...
(Comedy club)
JERRY
I am not gay. I am, however, thin, single
and neat. Sometimes when
someone is thin, single and neat people assume they are gay because
that
is a stereotype. They normally don't think of gay people as fat,
sloppy
and married. Although I'm sure there are, I don't want to perpetuate
the stereotype. I'm sure they are the minority though within
the gay
community. They're probably discriminated against because of
that,
people say to them "Y'know Joe, I enjoy being gay with you but
I think
think it's about time, y'know that you got in shape, tucked the
shirt
in and lost the wife". But if people are even going to assume
that
think Joe might be a little... (waves hand back and forth)",
they should
VACUUM
"Y'know I think Joe might be )vroom(
(makes vacuuming motion).
Yeah, I got a feeling he's a little )vrooom(..."
THE END
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