THE PACKAGE
Written by
Jennifer Crittenden
(Elaine at the doctor's)
ATTENDANT
The doctor will be with you in a moment.
(Elaine looking at her chart)
ELAINE
Difficult ?
DOCTOR
Elaine. You shouldn't be reading that.
So tell me about this rash of yours.
ELAINE
Well it's , it's..... You know I noticed
that somebody wrote in my chart that I was
difficult in January of 92 and I have to tell
you that I remember that appointment exactly.
You see this nurse asked me to put a gown
on but it was a mole on my shoulder and I
specifically wore a tank top so I wouldn't have
to put a gown on. You know they're made of paper.
DOCTOR
Well that was a long time ago. How
about if I just erase it. Now
about that rash...
ELAINE
But it was in pen. You fake erase.
DOCTOR
All right Miss Benes. This doesn't
look too serious. You'll be fine.
ELAINE
What are you writing? Doctor.
George at Photo Shop
SHEILA
Here you go.
GEORGE
Thanks.
SHEILA
I hope you got that mustard stain out
of your shirt.
GEORGE
Ohhhhhh
Jerry , Kramer , and George at the apartment
JERRY
No. All you got to do is jiggle it
with this screwdriver.
GEORGE
Smile
JERRY
What are you doing ?
GEORGE
I meet this women , Sheila. She works
down at the one hour photo
pace. She's got this incredible smile. Like she's got extra
teeth or something
JERRY
Extra teeth. I love that look.
GEORGE
Hey check this out. I go to pick up
my pictures and she says " I
hope you got that mustard stain out of your shirt."
JERRY
What mustard stain ?
GEORGE
Don't you see. She's looking at my
pictures.
JERRY
Why did you take a picture of a mustard
stain ?
GEORGE
That's got nothing to do with it.
JERRY
I see. She's looking.
GEORGE
Yesssss.
KRAMER
Hey , you got to get this thing fixed
.
JERRY
They've tried to fix it. But it keeps
coming back the same.
KRAMER
Would you like a refund ?
JERRY
Well I can't the warranty expired two
years ago.
KRAMER
Would you be interested ?
JERRY
Well how are you going.....
KRAMER
Would you ?
JERRY
I guess I would.
KRAMER
Yeah , yeah.
Elaine walks in
ELAINE
You are not going to believe what happened
to me at the doctors
office today.
JERRY
Not the gown again.
ELAINE
No , no. I was looking at my chart
and it said I was difficult. Why
would they write that ?
JERRY
They have gotten to know you.
Kramer leaves with Jerry's stereo
ELAINE
Then the doctor writes more stuff down
and doesn't even look at my
rash.
GEORGE
Why don't you find a doctor that doesn't
know your difficult.
ELAINE
Oh come on. I'm not difficult. I'm
easy.
JERRY
Why because you dress casual and sleep
with a lot of guys.
ELAINE
Listen to me you little shi........
GEORGE
Smile.
Elaine at another doctor's office
DOCTOR
Well Elaine you really didn't have to
put on the gown.
ELAINE
Oh it's my pleasure. I love these.
In fact I got one at home. It's
perfect when you just want to throw something on.
Nurse hands the doctor her chart
DOCTOR
All rightly. Let me just review your
history before we begin.
ELAINE
Where did you get my chart ?
DOCTOR
From your last doctor. It's a standard
procedure.
ELAINE
You know I can tell you my whole history
. Let's just.......
DOCTOR
Okay. Let's take a look. Well that
doesn't look to serious. You'll
be fine.
ELAINE
Please , please. It's really , really
itchy.
Doctor writes more stuff in her chart
Jerry at apartment
Knock , knock
POSTAL WORKER
Seinfeld ?
JERRY
Yeah.
POSTAL WORKER
I got a package for you. Sign here
.
JERRY
Who's it from ?
POSTAL WORKER
No return address.
JERRY
What if I don't want it ?
POSTAL WORKER
Are you refusing delivery ?
JERRY
Maybe I am.
POSTAL WORKER
Why would you do that ?
JERRY
I've never done it before.
POSTAL WORKER
Why start now ?
JERRY
Why not ?
POSTAL WORKER
All right.
George walks in
GEORGE
Why did you refuse the package. Everybody
loves a package.
JERRY
I don't know it was weird. Crazy printing
. I don't know who it was
from.
GEORGE
What do you think it's a bomb ?
JERRY
It's not totally impossible.
GEORGE
Oh the ego on you.
JERRY
Why can't I be bombable ?
GEORGE
Who's going to bomb you. An airline
for all the stupid little peanut
jokes.
JERRY
I suppose you think your bombable.
GEORGE
Hey. There is a couple of people that
wouldn't mind having me out of
the way.
JERRY
There's more than a couple.
GEORGE
Hey. Check these out. I just picked
them up from Sheila. She must
have loved these.
JERRY
You don't have a Mercedes.
GEORGE
I know. I just sort of leaned on it
so it would look like it was
mine.
JERRY
The driver seems a little put out.
GEORGE
No. He was fine with it. Check that
out.
JERRY
Is that Burt Reynolds ?
GEORGE
Wax Museum.
JERRY
Oh.
GEORGE
Oh. What is this ?
JERRY
That's a lot of skin.
GEORGE
This must be Sheila from the photo place
.
JERRY
You can barely see her face.
GEORGE
She must have slipped it in here.
Kramer walks in
KRAMER
I I I
GEORGE
Photo store Sheila.
KRAMER
Well hello Photo store Sheila.
GEORGE
All right. I will see you boys later
.
JERRY
Where are you going ?
GEORGE
To ask her out.
KRAMER
No , no. Your not playing the game
.
GEORGE
What game ?
KRAMER
She goes to these lengths to entice
you and your only response is "
Gee I really like your picture. Would you like to go out on
a date with me
please. "
GEORGE
No good ?
KRAMER
George. It's the timeless art of seduction
. You got to join in the
dance. She sends you an enticing photo , you send her one right
back.
GEORGE
Oh , I don't know.
KRAMER
Well as you know I've always been something
of a photog.
JERRY
Oh yeah I like this idea.
Outside Uncle Leo's apartment
UNCLE LEO
Hey Danny. Hello. How are you ?
POSTAL WORKER DANNY
Hey Leo. Leo what's up with your nephew.
He wouldn't
except his package.
UNCLE LEO
Oh He wants it. He's just trying to
be funny. Yeah I'll sign it
.
George and Elaine in taxi
ELAINE
And then he starts writing on my chart
.
GEORGE
Well why don't you get a hold of it
and change what you don't like.
ELAINE
You can't change your chart. It's your
chart.
GEORGE
I am in and out of my personnel file
at work all the time.
ELAINE
You are !?!
GEORGE
Hey. I've kept the same job for more
than two years. It's not luck
. Elaine , have you ever sent a racy photograph of yourself to
anyone ?
ELAINE
Yeah. I sent one to everyone I know
. Remember my Christmas card.
GEORGE
Oh yeah the nipple. But besides that
. How did you feel about
Kramer's work ?
ELAINE
Actually I thought he was very professional
.
GEORGE
So it was a good experience.
ELAINE
Oh yeah. In fact I like the picture
so much I cropped out the nipple
and am using as my health club ID.
GEORGE
Nice.
ELAINE
Yeah it is nice actually.
Elaine at another doctors
ELAINE
I need to see Dr. Burke right away.
This rash is spreading.
ATTENDANT
He can't see you Miss Benes , he's busy
.
ELAINE
Oh come on. Have some compassion.
Okay well I hope it's contagious
Elaine rubs the attendants phone on her neck. Soon after Elaine
finds her
chart and runs to the elevator
ELAINE
Come on. Move. Oh hi Dr. Burke. I
didn't know if uh....
DR. BURKE
The chart Miss Benes.
ELAINE
Oh please no more.
The doctor writes more stuff in it
Jerry at his apartment
George walks in
JERRY
Hey
GEORGE
Where's Kramer ?
JERRY
He went to get some steak sauce. Why
?
GEORGE
Personal matter.
Phone rings
JERRY
Hello
UNCLE LEO
Jerry ! It's your Uncle Leo ! Hello
!
JERRY
Hello Leo. You don't have to yell.
UNCLE LEO
I got your package.
JERRY
How did you get my package ?
UNCLE LEO
What should I do with it ?
JERRY
I don't know what you should do with
it.
GEORGE
Tell him to open it.
JERRY
I am not going to treat my uncle like
a bomb defusing robot.
UNCLE LEO
Jerry , Your cousin Jeffrey is in the
Parks Production of The
Macardo. I want you to go see it with me.
JERRY
Open the package Leo.
UNCLE LEO
Okay. Opening.
JERRY
Opening.
BOOM !!!
Elaine and Jerry at apartment
ELAINE
So it wasn't a bomb.
JERRY
No , No bomb.
ELAINE
Well then what ?
JERRY
Oh stupid Leo was using one of those
oven cleaners. He left the
canister in there and the pilot light was on. The whole thing
blew up.
ELAINE
But he's okay ?
JERRY
Yeah but the explosion singed off his
eyebrows , mustache everything.
He's all smooth now. Look's like a seal.
Elaine on phone
ELAINE
Yeah I am still holding.
Jerry opens his package
JERRY
Is this my stereo ?
Kramer walks in
KRAMER
Hey you got it.
JERRY
What happened to my stereo ? It's all
smashed up.
KRAMER
That's right. Now it looks like it
was broken during shipping and I
insured it for $400.
JERRY
But you were supposed to get me a refund
.
KRAMER
You can't get a refund. Your warranty
expired two years ago.
JERRY
So were going to make the Post Office
pay for my new stereo ?
KRAMER
It's just a write off for them.
JERRY
How is it a write off ?
KRAMER
They just write it off.
JERRY
Write it off what ?
KRAMER
Jerry all these big companies they write
off everything
JERRY
You don't even know what a write off
is.
KRAMER
Do you ?
JERRY
No. I don't.
KRAMER
But they do and they are the ones writing
it off.
JERRY
I wish I just had the last twenty seconds
of my life back.
Elaine still on phone
ELAINE
What ?!? He doesn't have one appointment
this whole month !?! Oh come
on. I am dying here man. Hello , hello.
JERRY
Still no luck
Kramer leaves with a fan
ELAINE
Jerry I am at doctor Zimmerman. I am
at the end of the alphabet.
JERRY
There's no Zorn or Zoutraph.
ELAINE
There on vacation. Every doctor in
this city seems to know who I am
.
JERRY
Hey what about Dr. Resnick My Uncle
Leo is going to see him tomorrow
.
ELAINE
Dr. Resnick. He's not listed.
JERRY
He's not that good.
Kramer and George at Kramer's apartment
GEORGE
Elaine said your pretty good at this
stuff.
KRAMER
Oh yeah. Elaine was a fun project.
I enjoyed working with her.
GEORGE
You don't have your own camera.
KRAMER
Uh no. Look at this. Okay yeah this
looks good and I like what your
wearing.
GEORGE
I feel fat.
KRAMER
No, no. You're stoked. The camera
loves stokedness. Look were not
going to do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. The
key word is
tasteful. Now I want you to relax and have fun because your
a fun guy. All
right let's do it. Okay come on. Feel the beat. Feel the beat
. You know
you got some real strong pecks but it's hard to tell under that
T-shirt.
GEORGE
Well do you want me to take it off ?
KRAMER
I don't know it's up to you.
GEORGE
Do you think it would be better if I
did ?
KRAMER
It might be. I mean whatever you want
.
GEORGE
ALL RIGHT !!
Kramer ; That's it George. Come on , come on. Give it to me
. Come on ,work
it. Work it. Yeah be a man , be a man.
Jerry leaving apartment
KRAMER
You are a lover boy !!
JERRY
Oh yeah. This can't miss.
Elaine sleeping in bed
Phone rings
ELAINE
Hello.
GUY
Is this Elaine Marie Benes ?
ELAINE
Yes. Who it this ?
GUY
We are with the American Medical Association
. Can you confirm the
correct spelling of your last name ? Is it B-e-n-e-s.
ELAINE
Yeah. What is this all about
GUY
Good bye.
ELAINE
Hello , hello.
GUY
What ?
ELAINE
Oh uh uh...
GUY
Get off the line. Were trying to make
another call.
Uncle Leo and Elaine at Dr. Resnick's office
UNCLE LEO
Elaine. Hello. What are you doing
here ?
ELAINE
Leo. Has the doctor been in yet ?
UNCLE LEO
No. I am going to ask him about my
eyebrows.
ELAINE
Okay listen Leo. Your hairless , your
scared. When the doctor comes
in let me do the talking. Okay.
Dr. Resnick walks in
DR. RESNICK
Leo. I heard you had a little mishap
.
UNCLE LEO
It was a fireball.
ELAINE
I should have never left him alone.
DR. RESNICK
And who are you ?
ELAINE
I am his nurse... Poloma.
UNCLE LEO
You're not my nurse.
ELAINE
He has good days and bad.
DR. RESNICK
What seems to be the problem ?
UNCLE LEO
Are my eyebrows going to grow back ?
ELAINE
And he's has a bit of a rash.
DR. RESNICK
Really.
ELAINE
Yeah.
DR. RESNICK
Well there's been a bit of that going
around lately. Will you
excuse me Poloma. I just need to get some ointment.
ELAINE
I don't like this , it is to easy.
UNCLE LEO
Elaine...
ELAINE
Shut up ! I think he's on to us.
UNCLE LEO
Elaine what about my eyebrows ?
ELAINE
Shhhhhh. Here.
Elaine draws fake eyebrows on him
Kramer and Jerry at Post Office
JERRY
I don't like this Kramer. Will it be
much longer ?
ATTENDANT
I am sorry. It looks like the claim
has been red flagged. Your
under investigation.
JERRY
Investigation ?
NEWMAN
Hello Jerry.
JERRY
Hello Newman.
NEWMAN
Kramer you might as well run along.
Jerry might be a while.
Suspicion of mail fraud.
KRAMER
Mail fraud. Your in a lot of trouble
buddy.
Uncle Leo at Dr. Resnick's office
DR. RESNICK
I got your ointment. Where's your nurse
?
UNCLE LEO
She left.
DR. RESNICK
No need to get angry. Calm down.
UNCLE LEO
I am calm.
DR. RESNICK
Leo I don't care for your demeanor.
UNCLE LEO
Demeanor ?
DR. RESNICK
Now your just being difficult.
UNCLE LEO
What are you writing ?
George at photo store
GEORGE
So I really liked the pictures I picked
up here yesterday.
SHEILA
I am glad George.
GEORGE
And here's a roll that I think you may
enjoy.
SHEILA
Great.
GEORGE
Shall we say an hour.
George leaves
SHEILA
Hey Ron I got to go to lunch. Can you
do a roll ?
RON
No problem.
SHEILA
By the way. You know that model that
is always in here. She's
missing one of her lingerie shots. Have you seen it ?
RON
No.
Jerry and Newman at the Post Office
NEWMAN
All right. Then let me ask you this
. Didn't you find it interesting
that your friend had the foresight to purchase postal insurance
for your
stereo. Huh. I mean parcels are rarely damaged during shipping
.
JERRY
Define rarely.
NEWMAN
Frequently.
JERRY
Are we about throw here Newman ?
NEWMAN
It's pretty hot under these lights huh
Seinfeld. Pretty....... Hot
.
JERRY
Actually I am quite comfortable.
NEWMAN
Can I have a sip ?
JERRY
No.
NEWMAN
Not going to play ball. Huh all right
. Admit it that stereo was all
ready busted.
JERRY
You can't prove anything.
NEWMAN
Is this or is this not your signature
?
JERRY
No in a matter of fact it isn't.
NEWMAN
Uncle Leo ? This case is closed pending
further evidence. Jerry.
Kramer and Elaine at doctor's
ELAINE
Get in there. Get chart. Get out.
You got it.
KRAMER
Yeah let me borrow your scarf.
ELAINE
This.
KRAMER
Yeah. All right one chart coming up
.
ELAINE
Okay.
KRAMER
Bennette right ?
ELAINE
Benes. My last name is Benes you jackass
. Yeah.
Newman walking down the street
NEWMAN
Jerry , Jerry , Jerry , Jerry , Jerry
, Jerry , Jerry , Jerry , Jerry
.
Kramer at doctor's
KRAMER
I like what you've done with that.
ATTENDANT
May I help you ?
KRAMER
Yes , yes. I am Dr. Vanostran from
the clinic. I need Elaine Benes
chart. She's a patient of mine and she's not going to make it
. It's uh very
bad very messy.
ATTENDANT
I see and what clinic is that again
?
KRAMER
That's correct.
ATTENDANT
Excuse me.
KRAMER
From The Hoffer-Mandale Clinic in Belgium
.
ATTENDANT
Really ?
KRAMER
The Netherlands ?
ELAINE
Where's my chart ? Did you get it ?
KRAMER
No.
ELAINE
What ? What happened ?
KRAMER
I don't know. But now they got a chart
on me.
George at photo store
SHEILA
I don't know where they could be.
GEORGE
Can't find them. That's marvelous.
The dance continues.
SHEILA
Well if I find them I'll call you.
GEORGE
And maybe we could go out and do something
.
SHEILA
Sure.
RON
Hello.
GEORGE
Hi.
George leaves
SHEILA
So the little guy finally asked me out
.
RON
Really ?
SHEILA
Hey I can't find his photo's anywhere
.
RON
Oh you know what happened. Some guy
from the Post Office confiscated
them. He left his card.
SHEILA
Newman ?
George and Jerry at Post Office
GEORGE
I don't know what Newman wanted to see
me for.
Newman ; Gentlemen , gentlemen. I am so happy to see you both.
There is just
some inconsistencies I'd like to straighten out.
JERRY
I'm clean and you know it.
NEWMAN
Clean ? Hardly. This looks like a man
that isn't happy with his
stereo performance.
JERRY
Where did you get that ?
GEORGE
I think that's one of mine.
NEWMAN
It looks like your breaking into it
like an otter breaking into a clam.
JERRY
I don't know about that but I'm sure
there is a explanation.
NEWMAN
Yes. It's called mail fraud. Oohhhh
. How I've longed for this
moment Seinfeld. The day when I would have the proof I needed
to hall you out
of your cushy lair and expose to the light of justice as the
monster that you
are. A monster so vile.....
GUY
NEWMAN !!
NEWMAN
There will be a small fine.
JERRY
Okay.
GEORGE
Can we go now ?
NEWMAN
Not so fast pretty boy. There is more
to this sorted little affair.
JERRY
Oh my god !!
NEWMAN
This photo clearly indicates your involvement
in some ill-conceived mail order pornography ring.
As does this one found in the same disturbing
packet.
Newman holds up a picture of Ron
GEORGE
OH MY GOD !!!
NEWMAN
We have some questions we'd like you
to answer.
JERRY
I have some questions of my own.
Sheila walks in
SHEILA
Hi. One of your mailmen....... Oh
my god , George !?!
GEORGE
Listen Sheila it's not what you think
. I put my trust into the wrong
person. He said the key word was tasteful.
JERRY
The timeless art of seduction.
GEORGE
SHEILA !!!
THE END
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