THE PARKING GARAGE
Written by
Larry David
INT. ESCALATOR - GOING DOWN TO A GARAGE.
IN SINGLE FILE
GEORGE, JERRY and ELAINE, WHO'S CARRYING
A PLASTIC BAG WITH GOLDFISH, AND KRAMER
WHO'S HAVING A ROUGH TIME WITH A LARGE,
HEAVY BOX.
GEORGE
One left...what a joke.
KRAMER
You can have this one.
GEORGE
No, that's not enough BTUs for my living
room...That was a complete waste of
time.
ELAINE
Hey, I didn't get one either.
JERRY
Why do I always have the feeling that
everybody's doing something better than
me on Saturday afternoons?
ELAINE
This is what people do.
JERRY
No they don't. They're out on some big
picnic. They're cooking burgers. They're
making out on blankets. They're not
at some mall in Jersey watching their
friends trying to find the world's cheapest
air-conditioner.
GEORGE
You should see what my father used to
go through before he bought a car. He'd
go from state to state. He was away
for weeks at a time. It was like he
was running for President and he was
going through the primaries. We'd get
phone calls from motels in New Hampshire.
ELAINE
So we took a little ride. What's the
big deal?
GEORGE
Well at least you accomplished something.
You got fish.
JERRY
Big accomplishment. GEORGE Fish. What
do they do?
ELAINE
What do you do?
KRAMER
(RE: CAR) It's this way.
GEORGE
What time is it?
JERRY
Five o'clock.
GEORGE
Always late. Always late.
JERRY
You're not late.
GEORGE
I told them to meet me in front of my
building at six-fifteen.
ELAINE
Who?
GEORGE
My parents. It's their anniversary.
I'm taking them out to dinner and a
show tonight. You think we'll hit traffic?
JERRY
Of course we'll hit traffic. It's rush
hour.
ELAINE
Isn't it going the other way?
JERRY
There is no other way in New York. Everybody
goes every way all the time.
ELAINE But it's Saturday. JERRY You got the picnic and burger
traffic. GEORGE I always get myself in this position. Can't be
on time. Gotta rush.
KRAMER STOPS AND LOOKS AROUND.
ELAINE
What's the matter?
HE MUMBLES SOMETHING AND CONTINUES WALKING.
JERRY
I have to go to the bathroom. Why do
they hide the bathroom in these malls?
KRAMER STUMBLES WITH THE AIR-CONDITIONER.
JERRY
You want me to help you with that?
KRAMER
No, no, I got it.
AND HE STUMBLES AGAIN. JERRY SPOTS A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.
JERRY
(TO GEORGE, RE:WOMAN) What do you think,
Georgie boy?
GEORGE
Did I need that pointed out for me?
What is that going to do for me? How
does that help me, to see her? I'm trying
to live my life. Don't show me that.
KRAMER
If you like her, go talk to her.
GEORGE
Yeah, right. I'll just go up and say,
"Hi, how ya' doing? Would you like a
glass of white wine?"
JERRY
Before you got within twenty feet of
this woman, she'd have her finger on
the mace button. She's like an expensive
car with one of those motion-sensor
force field alarms. Any sudden movement
in the area could set her off.
KRAMER
She's fat.
ELAINE
Oh she's fat?
KRAMER STOPS AGAIN, CONFUSED.
ELAINE
What?
JERRY
Where's the car?
KRAMER
I thought it was here.
GEORGE
You don't know where we parked?
KRAMER LOOKS AROUND, THEN RESUMES WALKING. THEY FOLLOW.
GEORGE
Oh, this is great.
KRAMER
Blue-one. I thought it was blue-one.
JERRY
I thought it was green. I remember seeing
green.
ELAINE
I didn't pay attention.
GEORGE
This is just what I need.
ELAINE
I'm sure it's right around here.
KRAMER
It looks familiar. I remember the elevator.
GEORGE
There's elevators all over! It all looks
the same.
JERRY
It's over there. I know where it is.
NOW JERRY TAKES THE LEAD AND THE OTHERS FOLLOW.
ELAINE
It's black, right?
KRAMER
Dark blue.
GEORGE
You come to a parking lot, you write
it down. How hard is that?
JERRY
There it is!...No, no that's a Toyota.
THEY STOP...
JERRY
Hmmm...I thought it was...
KRAMER
Didn't we come in over there?
JERRY
I thought it was over there.
ELAINE
How long can fish live in one of these
plastic bags?
KRAMER
About two hours.
ELAINE
You'd better find this car.
GEORGE
It's this way...
JERRY
I really have to go to the bathroom.
KRAMER
Why don't you go behind one of these
cars? J
JERRY SHOOTS HIM A LOOK.
KRAMER
Why? Nobody's around.
JERRY
I'll wait.
KRAMER
You know when you hold it in like that
you can cause a lot of damage to your
bladder. That's what happens to truck
drivers. They hold it in all the time.
Eventually it starts coming out involuntarily.
JERRY Alright.
KRAMER
Jerry, are you aware that adult diapers
are a six hundred million dollar a year
industry?
JERRY
Maybe I should just go anytime I get
the urge like you...wherever I am. There's
too much urinary freedom in this society.
I'm proud to hold it in. It builds character.
ANGLE ON ELAINE AND GEORGE...
ELAINE
There it is!...No that's not it.
A CAR SCREECHES AROUND A CURVE, ELAINE IS UNNERVED.
ELAINE
Hey, watch it. ...Did you see that car?
Maniac. Can you explain something to
me? I got six questions wrong on my
drivers test. That's the maximum. I
read the book, I'm a college graduate.
This is a country where fifty percent
of its high school students can't locate
Europe on a map. How are they all passing
that test? It's a mystery.
GEORGE
...Six wrong?
ELAINE
Those school zones are a killer.
JERRY
Will you let me help you with that?
KRAMER
I'm gonna put it down behind that car.
HE DOES SO.
JERRY
You're not worried somebody's gonna
pee on it?
KRAMER
Pink eleven. Remember that.
GEORGE
Oh I got it. (TO JERRY) That I'm supposed
to remember. Where the car is, that's
insignificant.
ELAINE
(LOOKING AT FISH) I think they're laboring.
KRAMER
Look at this place. It's huge...
GEORGE
I can tell you this. If I am not in
front of my house at six-fifteen, when
my parents get there, they will put
me on an aggravation installment plan
that will compound with interest for
decades.
JERRY
Parents never forget a foul-up. I once
left a jacket on the bus when I was
fourteen. Last week I'm flying to Chicago
to do a show, "Make sure you hang on
to your jacket."
GEORGE
Where the hell is this car, Kramer?
KRAMER
It's got to be here.
ELAINE
Why are they using so many colors? And
the numbers go up to forty.
JERRY
Maybe it's not on this level.
GEORGE
What?
JERRY
There are four different levels. Maybe
we're on the wrong level. How long was
the escalator ride up?
ELAINE
It felt like a couple of levels.
JERRY
You should always carry a pad and pen.
GEORGE I can't carry a pen. I'm afraid
I'll puncture my scrotum.
KRAMER
I have a pen.
THEY REACT...
JERRY
Where was the bathroom in this mall?
There are six-hundred stores, I didn't
see one bathroom. What is this, like
a joke? They finished building the mall
and they go, "Oh my god, we forgot the
bathrooms."
MOTHER
Don't you dare talk to me like that!
You hear me?
ELAINE
Look at that woman.
SHE'S HITTING HER BOY ON THE BACK OF HIS HEAD.
MOTHER
I told you! I don't care! You'll have
to wait.
GEORGE
Hey, is that necessary?
MOTHER
Why don't you mind your own business?
GEORGE
I think hitting a defenseless child
is my business.
KID
You're ugly.
GEORGE
...What?
KID
You're ugly.
GEORGE
You are!
KID
You are!
THE KID GETS IN THE CAR. GEORGE IS STUNNED.
GEORGE
I should've hit the little son-of-a-bitch.
I can't stand kids. Adults think it's
so wonderful how honest kids are. I
don't need that kind of honesty. I'll
take a deceptive adult over an honest
kid any day.
KRAMER
(RE CAR) I found it!
ELAINE
He's got it.
KRAMER
Oh...no.
JERRY
All right, that's it. From now on no
more calling out they found it, unless
we're sitting in it. Okay?
ELAINE
Jerry, look at my fish.
JERRY HOLDS UP THE BAG AND HITS IT WITH HIS FINGER.
JERRY
His eyes look a little cloudy.
GEORGE
Oh are they gonna be furious.
JERRY
Who's got the tickets? GEORGE I do.
(TO KRAMER) I thought you knew this
mall. You said you'd been here before!
KRAMER
It was easy the last time.
ELAINE
My fish are dying right in front of
me! We have to get someone to drive
us around the parking lot to help us
look for the car.
JERRY
No one's going to do that.
ELAINE SPOTS A FORTY-ISH, STYLISH COUPLE WALKING TO THEIR CAR.
ELAINE
Excuse me, we can't seem to find our
car. I was wondering if it would be
possible if you're not in a hurry, to
drive us around the garage for five
minutes so we can look.
MAN #1
...Sorry.
ELAINE
Five minutes.
MAN #1
Can't do it.
ELAINE
We're not wilding.
THEY LEAVE.
ELAINE
Excuse me - I can't seem to find my
car - do you think you could drive me...
THEY START LAUGHING.
ELAINE
Oh that's funny? Is that funny? Well
tell me if you think this is funny -
These fish are dying! They're gasping
for oxygen right now! They'll be floating
in an hour. Is that funny too?
THEY IGNORE HER AND KEEP LAUGHING. CUT TO JERRY AND KRAMER.
JERRY
Those are really ugly sneakers. Where
did you get those?
KRAMER
Right here at the mall.
BACK TO ELAINE, SEEKING OUT A MAN WITH A BEARD.
ELAINE
Excuse me...
HE IGNORES HER AND KEEPS WALKING.
ELAINE
Sorry to have disturbed you. Terribly
sorry. But the fish will be dead. You
do know that. They can't live in plastic.
That's not me talking, that's science.
CUT TO JERRY AND KRAMER.
JERRY
It's amazing how shopping makes me have
to go. All I have to do is walk into
a department store and it's like some
kind of horse laxative just kicked in.
KRAMER
You drank a whole bottle of water.
JERRY
I know.
KRAMER
So why don't you just go?
JERRY
No I can't.
KRAMER
Don't you get tired of following rules?
JERRY
You think I'm too cautious?
KRAMER
Why be uncomfortable if you don't have
to? It's organic.
JERRY
Organic. So's Buddy Hackett.
KRAMER
Buddy Hackett?
JERRY
He's a comedian.
KRAMER
I know.
JERRY
All right. All right.
KRAMER
(pointing) You can go over here.
JERRY
I can manage.
KRAMER
(turns away and spots George) George!
(leaves scene)
KRAMER It'll take you ten seconds.
HE NUDGES JERRY.
JERRY
Okay, okay. I'll be right back.
WE STAY WITH JERRY AS HE WALKS TO THE BACK OF A CAR, LOOKS AROUND
LIKE SUPERMAN, THEN LETS FLY. HE FINISHES, ZIPS UP, THEN TURNS
AND SEES A SECURITY GUARD STARING AT HIM WITH HIS ARMS FOLDED.
SECURITY GUARD
Okay, let's go. Come with me.
JERRY
But...
SECURITY GUARD
Come on.
JERRY
...Kramer
INT. SECURITY GUARD'S OFFICE
JERRY
I've had this condition since I was
eleven! I've been in and out of hospitals
my whole life. I have no control over
it. Doctors have told me that when I
feel it, the best thing to do is just
release it. Otherwise, I could die.
SECURITY GUARD
Well you're still not allowed.
JERRY
Do you hear what I'm saying to you?!
I'm telling you that if I don't go,
I could die. Die. Is it worth dying
for?
SECURITY GUARD
That's up to you.
JERRY
So you don't care if I die.
SECURITY GUARD
What I care about is the sanitary condition
of the parking facility.
JERRY
It was life and death.
SECURITY GUARD
Uh huh.
JERRY
Oh I'm lying. Why would I do it unless
I was in mortal danger? I know it's
against the law.
SECURITY GUARD
I don't know.
JERRY
Because I could get Uromysitisis poisoning
and die. That's why!...Do you think
I enjoy living like this?...the shame,
the humiliation...You know I have been
issued a public urination pass by the
city because of my condition. Unfortunately
my little brother ran out of the house
with it this morning.
JERRY
Him and his friends are probably peeing
all over the place. You want to call
the Department of Social Services? Oh,
it's Saturday. They're closed today.
My luck.
SECURITY GUARD
You can tell the police all about it.
INT. PARKING GARAGE - GEORGE, KRAMER, AND ELAINE.
KRAMER
Jerry!
ELAINE
Jerry!
GEORGE
Unbelievable, I'm never gonna get out
of here. The guy goes to pee, he never
comes back. It's like a science fiction
story.
ELAINE
Maybe he went to one of the other levels.
I'll go look for him.
GEORGE
Oh now you're gonna go? ELAINE I'll
be back in five minutes.
GEORGE
If you go now, I know what's gonna happen.
We'll find the car, Jerry will show
up, and then we'll never find you.
ELAINE
No, no, I'll be back.
SHE LEAVES.
GEORGE
Oh what's the difference? We'll all
be dead eventually.
KRAMER
Does that bother you?
GEORGE
Yeah, it bothers me. Doesn't it bother
you?
KRAMER
Not at all.
GEORGE
See now that bothers me even more than
dying bothers me, cause it's people
like you who live to be a hundred and
twenty because you're not bothered by
it. How could it not bother you?
KRAMER
I once saw this thing on T.V. with people
who are terminally ill. And they all
believed the secret of life is just
to live every moment.
GEORGE
Yeah, yeah. I've heard that. Meanwhile
I'm here with you in a parking garage,
what am I supposed to do?
INT. SECURITY OFFICE - JERRY AND THE SECURITY GUARD.
JERRY
First of all you don't even know technically
that I went. That's for starters. I
mean I could've been pouring a bottle
of water out there. You don't know.
SECURITY GUARD
I know what you did.
JERRY
Oh really, do you? Well it just so happens
that I did pour water out. I had a bottle
of very tepid water and I poured it
out. And I could see how you made a
mistake, because pouring water out sounds
very much like a person urinating.
JERRY
And you know when you think about it
it's really quite an amusing case of
mistaken identity. That's all it is.
SECURITY GUARD
Yeah I'm sure.
JERRY
You know this is not the first time
this has happened to me. I always carry
water because of my condition. It dehydrates
me. It's a vicious cycle.
INT. PARKING GARAGE - ELAINE, LOOKING FOR JERRY.
ELAINE
And now he's gone. I'm sure he's looking
for the car. Five minutes, that's all.
I just want to find him.
MAN #1
I can't do it.
ELAINE
But why? Why can't you do it?
MAN #1
I can't.
ELAINE
No, see that's not a reason you can't.
You just don't want to.
MAN #1
That's right.
ELAINE
But why? Why don't you want to?
MAN #1
I don't know.
ELAINE
But wouldn't you get any satisfaction
out of helping someone out?
MAN #1
No, I wouldn't.
INT. SECURITY SHACK - JERRY (A NEW TACK) All right, all right.
I want to apologize. I was frightened, I said crazy things. I
obviously offended you. I insulted your intelligence. The uromysitisis,
the water bottle...I made it all up, and now...I'm going to tell
you the truth. Today my father and mother are celebrating their
fiftieth, well I'm jumping ahead here, their forty-seventh wedding
anniversary. We made arrangements to spend the evening together.
They are supposed to be in front of my building at six-fifteen.
JERRY
What I haven't told you, or anyone else
for that matter, is that my father's
been in a Red Chinese prison for the
past fourteen years.
INT. PARKING GARAGE - GEORGE AND KRAMER, STILL LOOKING FOR THE
CAR.
KRAMER
The guy's got a fat fetish. Spector
never dates a woman under two hundred-fifty
pounds.
GEORGE
Really.
KRAMER
What does he do with all that fat? Does
he just jump up and down on it? Does
he gouge it like Killer Kowalski?
GEORGE
Who's Killer Kowalski?
KRAMER
He was a wrestler. He would grab hold
of someone's stomach and just squeeze
it until they gave.
GEORGE
I've gotta go to the bathroom.
KRAMER
So go.
GEORGE
Here?
KRAMER
You and Jerry.
INT. SECURITY OFFICE - GEORGE BEING LED IN BY THE SECURITY GUARD.
GEORGE
Don't you believe me? It's their fiftieth
anniversary. You know this is gonna
kill him. You're aware of that. Kill
him. On the biggest night of his life...
SECURITY GUARD
Oh your folks have an anniversary today
too? Was he also in a Red Chinese prison?
GEORGE
A Red Chinese prison?
INT. PARKING GARAGE - KRAMER, WANDERING AIMLESSLY.
KRAMER
George! George!
INT. PARKING GARAGE
ELAINE
Jerry!
INT. PARKING GARAGE
JERRY
Well what happened was my father was
staying in the home of one of Red China's
great military leaders, General Chang,
who by the way came up with the recipe
for General Chang's chicken. You know,
the one with the red peppers and orange
peel at Szechwan Gardens? GEORGE Sure,
I have it all the time. Very spicy.
JERRY
Well General Chang was a very flamboyant
man. A complete failure as a general,
but a helluva cook.
ELAINE
Jerry! JERRY Elaine?!
ELAINE
Jerry! Over here...
NOW THEY SPOT HER.
ELAINE
Where have you been?
JERRY
I was arrested for urinating.
GEORGE
Me too.
ELAINE
You what?
JERRY
I have uromysitisis. It's very serious
you know.
ELAINE
Look at my fish...
ELAINE
Is he...
JERRY
No, but he's not looking good...
ELAINE
Please, we can't find our car. Please
drive us around the parking lot to find
our car. My fish are dying.
MAN #2
Can't do it.
ELAINE
I can see not caring what happens to
us, we're human. But what about the
fish? The fish?
MAN #3
Sorry.
ELAINE
That's right, go. Go home to your dumbbells.
Work on your pecs. I'm really impressed.
ELAINE
That's right you heard me. You got a
problem with that?
GEORGE
Elaine, shut-up.
JERRY
Hey, where's Kramer?
GEORGE
I don't know. (TO ELAINE) Where's Kramer?
ELAINE
I thought he was with you.
GEORGE
See, I knew it. I knew this was gonna
happen...
GEORGE
Look at the time, that's it.
ELAINE
Have we looked over there? Have we checked
that side? GEORGE We came in over there!
ELAINE
We didn't come in over there! JERRY
Where's Kramer?
JERRY
Hey George, there she is again. ...
GEORGE
So what do you want me to do?
JERRY
Ask her to drive us around. There's
your opening.
GEORGE
That is an opening.
GEORGE
Excuse me...I really... What's happened
is that my friend forgot where he parked
and if you're not in a big hurry, we'd
really appreciate it if...
AMY
Oh sure, I'll drive you around.
GEORGE
You will?
AMY
Sure.
GEORGE WAVES FOR JERRY AND ELAINE.
GEORGE
Thanks a lot. I'm really late. My parents
are waiting in front of my building
and we're stuck here.
AMY
I wouldn't want to get lost in here.
It smells like a toilet. People are
such animals.
GEORGE
Yeah, right.
JERRY
Filthy pigs.
THEY ALL GET IN THE CAR.
GEORGE
It's a blue Honda...
AMY
This has happened to me too. It's very
frustrating.
ELAINE
Hi, I'm Elaine.
JERRY
Jerry.
AMY
Hello.
ELAINE
It's very nice of you to do this. I've
asked several people and they wouldn't
even answer me.
AMY
I'm happy to do it. (TO GEORGE) I'm
Amy.
GEORGE
Hi Amy, I'm George.
INT. PARKING GARAGE
GEORGE
I didn't mean anything by it. I don't
even know L. Ron Hubbard! I didn't know
you were...
GEORGE
...with that group.
ELAINE
What about my fish?
JERRY
Boy, those Scientologists. They can
be pretty sensitive.
ELAINE
I'll say.
THEY TURN TO GEORGE, WHO'S GAPING AT SOMETHING.
ELAINE
What is it?
ELAINE
The car!
JERRY
The car!
GEORGE
The car!
ELAINE
We found it. I can't believe it!
GEORGE
Kramer, Kramer's not here...I knew it.
I knew it! I knew this would happen.
(SCREAMING) Kramer! Kramer!
JERRY
Kramer!
INT. PARKING GARAGE - ONE HOUR LATER
JERRY
Kramer.
KRAMER
Jerry?
JERRY
Yeah, over here.
KRAMER
Boy I had a helluva time finding that
air-conditioner. I looked everywhere.
I completely forgot where I hid it.
You know where it was? GEORGE Purple
23.
KRAMER
Right! Purple 23. I could've used you.
GEORGE
Sometimes it's good to have a pencil
to write these things down.
KRAMER
What time is it?
GEORGE
Seven forty-five.
KRAMER
Well at least there's no traffic.
GEORGE
Right.
KRAMER
What time does that play start?
GEORGE
Eight o'clock.
KRAMER
That might be a problem. (TO ELAINE)
Where's your little bag of...
JERRY INDICATES HE SHOULDN'T PURSUE THAT.
KRAMER
Oh...(TAKES OUT PARKING STUB) Boy this
garage is going to cost a fortune. You
know how long we were here?
THE END
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