THE PEZ DISPENSER
Written by
Larry David
(Jerry's Apartment)
GEORGE
...pianist. A classical pianist. She
plays the piano. She's a
brilliant woman. I-I-I sat in her living room... She played the
Waldstein Sonata! The Waldstein!
GEORGE
We did a crossword puzzle together,
in bed. It was the most fun
I ever had in my entire life. Did you hear me? in my life!
Y'know?
Jerry enters
JERRY
Were you talking? I couldn't hear anything.
GEORGE
I was telling you about Noel.
JERRY
Oh, Noel! Yeah, the one who plays bongos...
GEORGE
(sarcastically) Heh heh heh... So side-splittingly
funny...
JERRY
All right, I'm sorry. What about her?
GEORGE
What, you think I'm going to repeat
the whole thing now?
JERRY
I know, you told me you like her, everything
is going good.
GEORGE
No everything is not going good. I'm
very uncomfortable. I have
no power. I mean, why should she have the upper hand. Once in
my life I would like the upper hand. I have no hand-- no hand
at
all. She has the hand; I have no hand...
GEORGE
How do I get the hand?
JERRY
We all want the hand. Hand is tough
to get. You gotta get the
hand right from the opening.
GEORGE
She's playing a recital this week at
the McBierney School. You wanna hear
her play? I got two extra tickets, you
and Elaine could go...
JERRY
Yeah, that sounds like somethin'...
GEORGE
Then afterwards maybe we could all go
out together. Y'know she'll
see me with my friends, she'll observe me as I really am, as
myself.
Maybe I can get some hand that way.
Kramer enters
KRAMER
Hey, smell my arm... Smell it!
GEORGE
With all due respect, I don't think
so...
JERRY
That smells good, what is that?
KRAMER
The beach!
JERRY
The beach?
GEORGE
What, did you go swimmin'? It's 29 degrees
out!
KRAMER
I just joined the Polar Bear Club.
JERRY
You joined the Polar Bears?!
GEORGE
What the Hell is a "Polar Bear"?
KRAMER
Well, it's these people-- they go swimmin'
in the winter. They're terrific, I just
took my first swim today. Brrrrrrr!
It's invigorating....
JERRY
Yeah... So's shock therapy.
JERRY
(with glee) What is that, a Pez dispenser?!
KRAMER
Want one? Yeah, I just bought it at
the Flea Market.
GEORGE
Hey, what goes on there, exactly?
JERRY
You don't know?
GEORGE
No, I-I-I know... (retreats back to
his Chinese take out) I know...
JERRY
You think they have fleas there, don't
you?
GEORGE
No...
JERRY
Yes you do, Biff. You've never been
to a Flea Market, and you
think they have fleas there.
GEORGE
All right, I think they have fleas there.
So what...
ELAINELAINE
I don't know how anyone does this. It
must be so nerve racking...
How do they warm up their fingers?
JERRY
They have a piano backstage they warm
up on.
ELAINELAINE
No, we would have heard it.
JERRY
What, do you think they just crack their
knuckles and come out?
GEORGE
I told her we'd all go out afterwards,
okay? And don't applaud
when she stops playing the first time. It's not over yet.
JERRY
(quickly whispering) I resent that you
said that! That's
directed at me, isn't it?!
A very elegant Noel comes out and sits at her piano.
JERRY
Is this okay? Can I do this? (he claps)
STEVE
Something I said? (no response) It's
John... Mollika.
ELAINELAINE
Oh, oh, John... Oh, hi John... Hi...
STEVE
What're you doing down here?
ELAINE
Oh, I was just at this recital and Jerry
put a Pez dispenser on my leg and I
started laughing.
MOLLIKA
Jerry's in there? I heard you guys broke
up.
ELAINE
We did. We're just hanging out.
MOLLIKA
REally. ... You really look great.
ELAINE
Oh, uh, thank you. Are you still friends
with Richie Appel?
MOLLIKA
Oh, Richie, he's been doing comedy in
L. A. for a few years. He
just got back a month ago. He's kind of messed up. On drugs.
I don't know what to do for the guy.
ELAINE
Have you thought about an intervention?
MOLLIKA
What's that?
ELAINE
You get all his friends in a room, They
confront himm to try to get
him into rehab. It's a very popular thing now.
MOLLIKA
He'd never listen to anyone. ... Except
of course Jerry. He'd listen to
Jerry. Jerry would have to be involved. He really respects Jerry.
Cut to Jerry playing with Tweety Bird Pez dispenser.
Outside Noel's dressing room
ELAINELAINE
I'm sorry. George, I'm sorry!
GEORGE
What did you put the Pez dispenser on
her leg for in the first
place?
JERRY
I dunno, it was an impulse.
GEORGE
What kind of a sick impulse does that??
JERRY
How could I know she would start to
laugh?
ELAINELAINE
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I am!
JERRY
Can we just go in already?
GEORGE
What are we gonna tell her?
ELAINELAINE
I'll tell her I was the one who laughed.
GEORGE
No, don't say a word. If she thinks
my friends are jerks, then
I'm a jerk...
ELAINELAINE
(To Jerry) Oh, remind me to talk to
you about something later.
JERRY
What about?
GEORGE
Hey, hey! We're discussing something!
JERRY
I know, but I'm distracted now.
GEORGE
What are you? A baby!? All right. Tell
her.
E When I was outside I ran into John Mollika.
JERRY
Really John Mollika, they guy that used
to bartend at the Comedy Club. How's
he doing?
ELAINE
He's good.
GEORGE
Uh, can we cut to the chase?
JERRY
"Cut to the chase"?
GEORGE
Yeah...
JERRY
What're you, "Joe Hollywood"?
GEORGE
A lot of people say it.
JERRY
I would lose that.
GEORGE
(Accusingly) What's that?
JERRY
"Lose that"? That's not a Hollywood
expression!
GEORGE
(Realizing full well it isn't) ...Yes
it is.
ELAINE
Anyway ... So John told me that Richie
is in town from
Los Angeles and he's really messed up on drugs. So I told
him that he should do an intervention.
JERRY
Really, an intervention ...
GEORGE
Y'know people, we got a situation over
here!
ELAINE
Yeah, but he want's you to be a part
of it.
JERRY
Me? Why me?
ELAINE
'Cause Richie really respects you and
he would listen to you.
JERRY
Y'know these things are really hard
to load...
GEORGE
All right, OK, I'm goin' in.
JERRY
We've got to talk about this (to Elaine)
ELAINE
All right.
(They Enter)
GEORGE
Hi, hi, hi, You were wonderful.
NOEL
No..
GEORGE
Oh, these are my friends, Elaine and
Jerry, ... Noel
JERRY
You play a Hell of a piano.
ELAINE
Yeah, I was really moved, really moved.
NOEL
Well didn't you hear that person laughing?
I couldn't play. I was
humiliated...
ELAINE
Well, I'm sure it wasn't at you.
NOEL
Well then, what was she laughing at?
JERRY
Pez?
NOEL
Uh, no, No thank you. Did you see her?
GEORGE
Me, uh, uh, no, ...
JERRY
Anyone who would laugh at a recital
is probably some sort of lunatic anyway.
I mean only a sick twisted mind could
be that rude and ignorant.
ELAINE
Maybe some mental defective put something
stupid on her leg.
JERRY
Even if this so called mental defective
did put something on her leg she's still
the one who laughed.
NOEL
I'll never forget that laugh for the
rest of my life. (exits)
ELAINE
I'm sure she would apologize if she
could. Probably somebody is holding
her back against every fibre in her
being.
GEORGE
If she want's to continue to have a
fibre of her being she'll be very careful
(hitting each other)
(Noel enters)
GEORGE
All right, so are you ready, so we'll
go out and get something to eat.
NOEL
I don't feel like it tonight.
JERRY
We'll be outside
ELAINE
Yeah
JERRY
It was nice meeting you By the way,
How do you warm up your fingers before
you play?
N
I just crack my knuckles.
GEORGE
We'll have a good time
N
I don't feel like it
GEORGE
Ah, come on
N
I said I DON'T FEEL LIKE IT!
GEORGE
Um, all right, um, uh, I'll call 'ya.
I'll call you and we'll talk on the
phone. A telephone communiqué. Every
thing is fine ok, uh, fine, .. (exits)
(MONKS)
JERRY
You know I thing Kramer might have been
responsible for getting Richie involved
with drugs in the first place.
ELAINE
What? How?
JERRY
A few years ago the comedy club had
a softball team. Kramer was our first
baseman You couldn't get anything by
him It was unbelievable.
Anyway this one game we came back to win from like 8 runs behind.
So Kramer says to Richie why don't you dump the bucket of Gatorade
on Marty Benson's head? The club owner. So Richie goes ahead
and does it.
ELAINE
So? What happened?
JERRY
What happened? The guy was like 67 years
old, it was freezing out, he caught
a cold, got pneumonia,
and a month later he was dead.
ELAINE
Shut up!
JERRY
All the comedians were happy. He was
one of these club owners nobodu liked
anyway. But Richie was never the same.
ELAINE
Whar about Kramer?
JERRY
He's the same!
(Jerry on phone at home)
JERRY
Are you sure you want me John. I have
spoken to Richie in two years. I don't
have a good apartment for
an intervention. The furniture, it's very non-confrontational.
All right All right. Goodbye.
(to Kramer) Remember Ricie Appel?
KRAMER
(looks shocked) Oh sure, the guy I told
to pour the Gatorade that killed Marty
Benson?
JERRY
Right, we'll John Mollika is organizing
some kind of intervention for him. We're
having it here.
KRAMER
Can I get in on that?
JERRY
What do you think? It's like a poker
game?
KRAMER
Is Elaine going?
JERRY
Yeah
KRAMER
Well, I knew him as well as she did.
JERRY
Yeah, but John invited her.
KRAMER
So what are you saying, you don't want
me to intervene?
JERRY
No, intervene, go intervene all you
want. I am just afraid you might be
interfering while we're intervening.
Buzzer
GEORGE
It's George
JERRY
Stop smelling your arm.
KRAMER
You know I got a great idea for a cologne.
The Beach. You spray it on and you smell
like you just
came home from the beach
JERRY
Hum, a cologne that smells like the
beach. I can't believe I'm saying this,
"That's not a bad idea."
KRAMER
Tell me about it!
JERRY
Why don't you call Steve D'Jiff, he
works in the marketing department at
Calvin Klein.
In fact he's a good friend of John Mollika and Richie also.
(George enters)
GEORGE
Well it's over. It's definitely over.
JERRY
She broke up with you?
GEORGE
No, but I can tell she's going to. I
can sense it. We had this terrible phone
conversation.
I was so nervous before I called I made up this whole list of
things to talk about.
JERRY
What was on the list?
GEORGE
Let's see, How I'm very good at going
in reverse in my car, why isn't Postum
a more popular drink,
JERRY
Yeah, Postum is under-ratted,
GEORGE
Anyway there was all this tension. I
asked her if she wanted to go out to
dinner and she said
"no, maybe we could get together for lunch." You know what that
means.
JERRY
What's wrong with lunch?
GEORGE
Lunch is fine at the beginning then
you move on to dinner. you don't move
back to lunch. It's like being demoted.
I'll never do another crossword puzzle with her again. I know
it.
KRAMER
I like the Jumble You ever do the Jumble?
GEORGE
I have no power Do you understand? I
need hand. I have no hand.
KRAMER
Break up with her
GEORGE
What?
KRAMER
You break up with her. You reverse everything
that way.
JERRY
A preemptive breakup.
GEORGE
A preemptive breakup. This is an incredible
idea. I got nothing to lose.
We either break up which she would do anyway but at least I go
out with some
Dignity. Completely turn the tables. It's absolutely brilliant.
(MONKS)
GEORGE
So, I am have to going to break up with
you.
NOEL
You're breaking up with me?
GEORGE
I, ... am breaking up with, ... you.
NOEL
Wow.
GEORGE
Shocked?
NOEL
I really am.
GEORGE
Never expected this did you?
NOEL
I thought everything was fine.
GEORGE
Well, live and learn.
NOEL
I don't understand. You're breaking
up with me. Didn't we have fun doing
the crossword puzzles?
GEORGE
Kind of.
NOEL
I'm very confused.
GEORGE
Well, I didn't mean to hurt you kid.
NOEL
I thought,...
GEORGE
Now, stop it ...
NOEL
What do you want, I can make you happy.
GEORGE
When you're playing the piano do you
think about me?
NOEL
I don't know.
GEORGE
This is what I'm talking about.
NOEL
OK, I'll think about you.
GEORGE
All the time.
NOEL
All the time? ... OK, All the time.
GEORGE
I can't hear you.
NOEL
All the time. ALL THE TIME.
GEORGE
See, It's not so hard.
(CALVIN KLEIN)
KRAMER
Go ahead smell, smell
STEVE
Yeah, so?
KRAMER
Do you recognize it? ... The beach.
STEVE
What are you talking about?
KRAMER
Oh, I'm talking about the beach.
STEVE
What about it?
KRAMER
You know the way you smell when you
first come home from the beach?
Well, I want to make a cologne that captures the essence of that
smell.
Oh yeah.
STEVE
That is the dumbest idea I have ever
heard.
KRAMER
Oh, wait, Did you here what I just said?
STEVE
Do you think people are going to pay
$80 a bottle to smell like dead
fish and sea weed? That's why people take showers when the come
home from the beach. It's an objectionable offensive odour.
KRAMER
So you don't think it's a good idea?
THE INTERVENTION
I may have confused the names of some
of the male interveners below)
To Elaine
GUY
The membranes get dried and it just
starts bleeding. Since I was a
kid so I have to stick tissue up there
ELAINE
(very uninterested) Uh, you have to
work like that?
GUY
Nobody minds Nobody has ever said anything
to me.
To Jerry
OTHER GUY
Are there any ice cubes?
JERRY
In the freezer.
OTHER GUY
I looked. There aren't any ice cubes.
JERRY
Well I guess there aren't any ice cubes.
OTHER GUY
I can't drink this. It's warm! (walks
away)
GUY
Shouldn't we rehearse this a little
bit before Richie comes?
STEVE
What's the plan?
JERRY
Do I have to talk? I don't feel like
talking.
OTHER GUY
Well, if he's not going to talk I'm
not going to talk either.
GUY
No, we all have to talk.
ELAINE
What's the order?
GUY
We'll go in alphabetical order. First
Roberta.
ROBERTA
Why am I first?
ELAINE
Albano is your last name.
ROBERTA
That's not my name any more. I'm divorced.
STEVE
I'll go first.
Kramer enters
KRAMER
Hey.
JERRY
Hey.
KRAMER
Is this the interference?
JERRY
Intervention.
OTHER GUY
What are you doing here?
KRAMER
Uh, is it all right if I stay for the
intervention?
STEVE
Hey, this is for close friends only.
KRAMER
I'm a friend. Who do you think told
him to pour the Gatorade
over Marty Benson's head?
OTHER GUY
Let him stay.
KRAMER
Hey, you know I got someone to make
up that cologne for me, big mouth.
STEVE
Somebody's going to make that crap?
Some old guys enter
OLD GUY
Kramer!
KRAMER
Hey, come on, these are some of my polar
bear buddies.
OTHER GUY
They can't stay.
OLD GUY
We're having a party here?
JERRY
No, we're having an intervention
OLD GUY
An intervention? Who's intervening?
JERRY
There's a friend of ours on drugs and
we're going to confront him.
OLD GUY
Sure, we used to do that when one of
our polar bears stopped
coming. We would go to his house and say, "What you don't want
to be a
polar bear anymore? It's too cold for you?"
Buzzer
GUY
It's him.
ROBERTA
What should we do?
ELAINE
Hide!
JERRY
It's NOT a surprise party! Yeah (to
intercom)
GEORGE
It's George
JERRY
Yeah, come on up. ... It's not him.
GUY
If you don't go out with me it's because
I'm a bar tender.
ELAINE
Look, I don't think this is appropriate
right now.
GUY
Is it because I have a tissue in my
nose?
ELAINE
You're getting warm.
George and Noel enter (Noel looks awful)
GEORGE
We just came from Chadway's(?) What's
going on.
JERRY
We're having the intervention for Richie.
GEORGE
Oh, right, right, the intervention.
Should we leave?
JERRY
Well, uh..
NOEL
(happily) Elaine, hi.
ELAINE
Oh, hi Noel
(Noel sits on couch with Elaine with Old Guy between them)
JERRY
Well, you're looking well.
GEORGE
Jerry, let me tell you something, "A
man without hand is not a man."
I got so much hand I'm coming out of my gloves. I got to thank
Kramer.
STEVE
Even if I were dragged through manure
I still wouldn't put that stuff on.
GEORGE
(to Kramer) This man is a genius. Genius!
STEVE
You think so?
GEORGE
I don't think so I know so, Kramer,
come here I got to talk to you
OLD MAN
The male kangaroo doesn't have a pouch
only the female has it. The male has
pouch envy.
ELAINE
(Chuckles)
Old GUY; at least give me a pocket.
ELAINE
(laughs)
Noel turns to Elaine. Jerry raises his eyes to heaven
NOEL
That laugh. That's the laugh. That's
it. You're the one.
ELAINE
No, no. It was an accident. It really
wasn't my fault. It was Jerry.
Jerry put a Pez dispenser on my leg.
NOEL
You put a Pez dispenser on her leg during
my recital?.
JERRY
I didn't know she would laugh.
NOEL
You lied to me George, you lied to me.
GEORGE
No, I, uh, um, wa, wa, What did I do?
... Where are you going?
NOEL
I ... am breaking up ... with you!
GEORGE
You can't break up with me. I've got
hand.
NOEL
And you're going to need it.
Noel exits, George chases her
Richie and John enter
JERRY
Hey Richie
RICHIE
So what's going on?
Later
JERRY
It was pretty ugly from the get go.
he's not listening, He's hostile, he's
talking back.
GEORGE
I can't do these puzzles.
JERRY
So he starts to get up He spots the
Pez dispenser on the coffee table
GEORGE
Ah ah Pez dispenser.
JERRY
He picks it up - he stares at it - It's
like he's hypnotized by it. Then he's
telling us this story about how when he was a kid he was in the
car with his father, and
his father was trying to load one of them
GEORGE
Well they're hard to load.
JERRY
Tell me something I don't know. So as
the father's trying to load it he loses
control
of the car and it crashes into a high school cafeteria. Nobody's
hurt but Pez is all
over the car. And the dispenser was destroyed virtually beyond
recognition.
GEORGE
Poor kid.
JERRY
So as he's telling the story he starts
crying.
GEORGE
What did you do?
JERRY
What do you think? I gave him my Pez
dispenser.
GEORGE
Wow
JERRY
Two hours later he checks into Smither's
clinic. I talked to the doctor yesterday.
He's doing great on the rehab. He's hooked on Pez. He's eating
them like there's no tomorrow.
GEORGE
What's a three letter word for candy?
JERRY
I can't do those things.
THE END
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