THE PILOT PART 2
Written by
Larry David
(NBC, pilot's set)
(Jerry, Tom, and Michael are at the counter, rehearsing. George
is standing and watching them next to another guy. Rita, Jay,
Stu and Russell are sitting in the crowd's bleachers)
TOM
What do you mean made up?
JERRY
It's made up. Haagen-Dazs is made up.
It's not Danish.
TOM
You're crazy.
JERRY
No I'm not. (to Michael) George. Is
Haagen-Dazs Danish?
MICHAEL
What do you mean Danish?
GEORGE
(to the guy next to him) This guy stinks.
(speaking of Michael)
JERRY
Danish. Is it from Denmark?
MICHAEL
No, they make it in New Jersey. It's
just a Danishy name.
TOM
I can't believe that. They fooled *me*
Jerry.
RITA
(to Jay) Boy, talk about a show about
nothing. (Jay, the integral producer,
smiles stupidly)
GEORGE
Uh, excuse me. (stopping them from rehearsing)
Excuse me. (he walks to the guy's in
charge of yelling: "take #!") This--This
is not right. May I? (the guy looks
at George with a bothered face. George
then walks up to Tom and takes him away
from Jerry and Michael to talk to him
in private)(to Tom) You see, you're
going: "They fooled *me* Jerry!" (George
shakes his head with disapproval) You
wanna hit 'fooled' more: "They *fooled*
me Jerry!". You see the difference?
TOM
I'm not gonna say it like that.
GEORGE
Just a suggestion. (chuckles and walks
back to the yelling guy)
YELLING GUY
(with the same bothered face and while
he's looking at George) All right everybody,
take a five.
GEORGE
(very casual and raising his hand in
the air) Yep. That's five!
JERRY
George? (walks away to talk privately.
George, still casual, taps on Jerry's
shoulder) I don't have a lot of experience
with this acting stuff. But from what
I can gather, they're a little touchy
about being told how to say the lines.
GEORGE
Why is that?
JERRY
I don't know, but they don't seem to
like it. By the way how am I doing?
GEORGE
Oh, you're fine... you're fine. (looking
at Tom in the back and then quieter
to Jerry) So you think this guy playing
Kramer took the raisins?
JERRY
Why would he steal a box of raisins?
GEORGE
Yeah, it's bizarre. (they both look
around them suspiciously)
(scene cuts to the bleachers with the producers)
RITA
(to Jay about Russell) What's with him?
(to Russell) Russell? (louder) Russell?
RUSSELL
What?
RITA
You O.K.?
RUSSELL
Yeah. No, uh, I was just thinking of
something. I'll be back in a second.
(he gets up and leaves)
(scene cuts to Jerry sitting next to Sandi. They're both going
through their copy of the script)
SANDI
What's the matter?
JERRY
Nothing.
SANDI
You're acting weird. Is anything wrong?
JERRY
No.
SANDI
Are you breaking up with me?
JERRY
Are we going out?
SANDI
You're breaking up with me, aren't you?
(almost crying)
JERRY
Do you want me to break up with you?
SANDI
If that's what you want.
JERRY
I don't even know what you're talking
about.
SANDI
Fine. Break up with me.
JERRY
All right. We're broken up.
SANDI
(little pause) Can we still be friends?
(Jerry raises his head, staring ahead
and wondering what's going on)
(scene cuts to George and Tom standing, backstage)
GEORGE
Remember when you came to audition for
us?
TOM
Yeah.
GEORGE
There was a box of raisins on the coffee
table. Did you, by any chance, take
them with you when left?
TOM
What are you talking about?
GEORGE
Well we were all eating the raisins.
And I remember you--you were eating
some of the raisins. And then you left,
and the raisins were gone. And I was
just wondering if, you know (chuckles),
maybe you took them with you.
TOM
Are you accusing me of stealing the
raisins?
GEORGE
Oh, no, no--
TOM
(angry) Why would I steal a box of raisins!?
GEORGE
No you wouldn't. Nobody would. It's
just that... they were missing, and...
well I'm just inquiring. (chuckles nervously)
TOM
Let me give you a word of advice. O.K.?
I want you to stay away from me. I don't
wanna talk to you, and I don't wanna
hear anymore of your stupid little notes
and suggestions. I don't like you. So
if you got any other problems whether
it's raisins, prunes, figs, or any other
dried fruit, just keep it to yourself
and stay out of my way, O.K.?
GEORGE
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. All right. I don't think
we're gonna have any problem with that.
(chuckles nervously) Good talking to
you Tom. Really.
(scene cuts to Russell, still on the set, but on the phone with
Elaine)
RUSSELL
(nervously, almost desperately) Elaine.
Elaine. What do you want? What can I
do? Is it my job? Is that what it is?
Elaine I can't go on like this. Will
you call me? Would you call me? Well,
why? All right. May I call you? Elaine?
Elaine? (she hung up. An employee walks
by, bumps into Russell and spills coffee
accidentally on him)
DAVID
Excuse me Mr. Dalrimple. I am so sorry.
RUSSELL
All right. All right. What's your name?
DAVID
David Richardson.
RUSSELL
Get out! You're fired!
DAVID
But Mr. Dalrimple--
RUSSELL
Don't talk back to me. Didn't you hear
what I say? Get out! You want me to
call the cops? I make and break little
worms like you every day. Do you know
how much money I make? Do you have any
idea! Do you know where I live? I can
have any woman in this city that I want.
Any one. Now, GET OUT! (David leaves.
Everyone on the set is looking at Russell)
What are you all looking at? Go back
to work! BACK! NOW! (they do, Russell
leaves)
(scene ends)
(Jerry's)
GEORGE
The doc called and said the lab's backed
up and now I'm not gonna get the results
for another two days.
JERRY
Ah! You're fine. There's nothing wrong
with you. I'm the one who's dying.
GEORGE
What do you mean?
JERRY
Because I can't act! I stink! I don't
what I'm doing!
GEORGE
Come on you're... uh... you're fine.
JERRY
This show's gonna ruin my entire career.
I don't know how I got involved in this.
GEORGE
What about me? I was a total failure.
Everything was fine. Now this thing's
gonna be a success and God's gonna give
me a terminal disease.
JERRY
This actress playing Elaine, she's out
of her mind.
GEORGE
The guy playing Kramer threatened me.
JERRY
Why?
GEORGE
'cause I asked him about the raisins.
JERRY
You mentioned the raisins.
GEORGE
Oh yeah.
JERRY
Did he take 'em?
GEORGE
I don't know.
JERRY
Well if he didn't take 'em, what happened
to 'em?
GEORGE
That's what I'm trying to find out.
(Kramer enters slowly and carefully)
JERRY
Hey.
KRAMER
Hey.
JERRY
Any luck?
KRAMER
No. No, nothing. I got no... peristalsis.
JERRY
What about bran?
JERRY
Well my friend, (Jerry puts his hand
on Kramer's shoulder) it may be time
to consider the dreaded apparatus.
KRAMER
Pfft! Hold it right there. If you're
suggesting what I think you're suggesting,
you're wasting your time. I am not Jerry,
under any circumstances, doing any inserting
in that area.
JERRY
Oh, it's not that bad!
GEORGE
Yes it is.
(Elaine enters)
ELAINE
Well it's all taken care of. I filed
a report. An investigation is underway.
JERRY
(to Elaine) So, you going to the taping
tomorrow night?
ELAINE
No. I don't think I should go. I really
don't wanna bump into Russell. He called
me the other day. He won't quit.
JERRY
Oh, come on you gotta go! He's harmless.
He's got a little crush on you.
ELAINE
Jerry, this is not a crush. This is
a complete fixation. he makes me very
uncomfortable.
JERRY
We need you there!
ELAINE
(to Kramer) Hey are you gonna go?
KRAMER
No. No. I'm gonna stay home. I want
to be close to my home base in case
there's any news from the front. (he
leaves)
(scene ends)
(NBC, pilot's set, the taping)
The taping is about to begin.
People are walking into the studio.
Jerry is getting a makeup.
Michael walks around backstage, he seems nervous and agitated.
Rita, Stu and Jay are sitting in the crowd. Russell is missing.
George looks at his lip in a mirror.
Tom is sitting in his dressing room, eating the raisins.
Elaine walks into the studio, wearing and adjusting a blonde
short-haired wig, and also wearing bold glsasses.
Scene cuts to the drugstore where Kramer is buying the dreaded
apparatus.
Sandi, sitting next to Jerry who's still getting a makeup, is
having her hair done.
SANDI
(to her hairdresser) No! Pick it up
more in the front! It's got to be higher!
Higher! Make a wall! A wall!
ASSISTANT DRESSER
Sandi, are you in wardrobe? Sandi?
JERRY
Try Elaine.
ASSISTANT DRESSER
Elaine?
SANDI
Yes?
(scene cuts to the crowd. Elaine is sitting in the front with
her disguise, and a guy behind her taps on her shoulder)
WILTON
Elaine? It's me-- Wilton Marshall. Remember?
Camp Tioga-- 1978? Remember?
ELAINE
Oh, right.
WILTON
Wow! You know you haven't changed a
bit.
(scene cuts to Michael, backstage, still walking around nervously.
He sees Jerry and runs to him)
MICHAEL
I can't remember my lines!!!
JERRY
Just relax, you'll be fine.
MICHAEL
I can't relax. I don't know what line!
I don't know any of 'em!
JERRY
You're just like George. George'd do
the same thing. You're just like him.
It's amazing!
MICHAEL
Help me Jerry! Help me!
(scene cuts to the producers in the crowd)
RITA
(to Stu) Where is Russell?
STU
You know I don't know. I thought he
was coming. I assumed he wouldn't miss
it.
JAY
He hasn't been well.
STU
(to Rita) Can I tell you something in
confidence? I think it's a woman.
RITA
How pathetic.
(scene cuts to George on the same phone as Russell earlier)
GEORGE
This is George Costanza, I'm calling
for my test results. Negative? Oh, my
God. WHY! WHY! WHY? What? What? Negative
is good? Oh, yes of course! How stupid
of me. Thank you. Thank you very much.
(he hangs up)
(scene cuts to the crowd and we see Joe Devola is there)
(scene cuts to Kramer entering his apartment with the dreaded
apparatus)
(scene cuts to George, happy, eating and double-dipping chips.
Tom is staring at him, George notices him, and aborts a double-dip)
GEORGE
(he walks casually to Tom, and taps
his arm) Listen. I know we've had our
problems in the past, but we got a show
to do tonight. Time to pull together
as a team. Life's too short. I say,
let's let bygones be bygones. If you
took the raisins, if you didn't take
the raisins-- They weren't even my raisins.
I was just curious because it seems
like a strange to do to walk into a
room, audition, and to walk out with
a box of raisins. Anyway, whatever.
If you ever want to tell me about it,
the door to my office is always opened.
In the event that I get an office. You'll
come in, we'll talk about the raisins.
We'll have a nice laugh.
TOM
How would you like it if I just pulled
your heart out of your chest right now,
and shoved it down your throat?
(scene cuts to the presentor, Pat Hazell, talking to the crowd)
PAT HAZELL
Are you ready to meet our cast? (crowd
applause) All right.
(scene cuts to Kramer holding and staring at the dreaded apparatus,
then closing his bathroom's door.)
(scene cuts to Jerry, holding a microphone and talking to the
crowd)
JERRY
Good evening, folks. How you doing?
(small reaction from the crowd) Well,
you sound like a great crowd. We have
a show we're gonna put on for you tonight.
It's a new TV show. It's what they call
a pilot. And we hope it becomes a series.
It's called 'Jerry', and I'm playing
Jerry--
JOE DEVOLA
(getting up then shouting) SIC SEMPER
TYRANNIS! (he jumps over a balcony and
on the stage. The crowd is yelling)
(scene ends)
(Jerry's)
GEORGE
Sic semper tyrannis? What is that, Latin?
JERRY
Yeah, it's what John Wilkes Booth yelled
out when he shot Lincoln.
GEORGE
Really? What does it mean?
JERRY
It means: "Death to tyrants".
GEORGE
I can see that.
(Elaine enters)
ELAINE
See, now this is exciting! This is exciting!
Did I miss anything already?
JERRY
No, it starts in five minutes. You were
there at the taping, what's the big
deal?
ELAINE
Nah, now it's on TV. It's different.
I told everybody I know to watch it.
GEORGE
Yeah, me too.
JERRY
Hey, what about Russell? Did you hear
from him?
ELAINE
No.
JERRY
Strange. Even not showing up at the
taping...
(Kramer enters, singing and dancing)
KRAMER
Hey, pistol-packin mama, you swing that
gal around, Allemande left with the
old gray hag, around and around you
go. Yee-ha!!
JERRY
Well, well, well.
ELAINE
Congratulations.
KRAMER
Well, thank you.
GEORGE
You went for the big "E".
KRAMER
Wet and wild.
JERRY
All right. Come on sit down. It's about
to start.
KRAMER
Oh, yes.
(Elaine finds something under the couch cushions)
ELAINE
Hey, what's this? Look. A wallet.
JERRY
A wallet? Let me see that.
ELAINE
Here.
JERRY
Ah, man! It's my father's wallet! The
one he thought they stole at the doctor's
office that time.
GEORGE
Shh! This is it!
JERRY
How do you like that?
(Jerry's) Jerry's apartment with Elaine, George and Kramer watching
the pilot.
(TV) The pilot
(Viewers) Characters from the season 4, watching TV in their
home and commenting on the pilot.)
===(TV)===
"I get into a car accident. The guy that hit me doesn't have
any insurance. So the judge sentences him to be my butler. Sounds
like a sitcom, doesn't it?"
===(Jerry's)===
(they all applause as the intro ends)
ELAINE
Bravo!
(Kramer taps George on the shoulder)
GEORGE
You hurt me.
===(TV)===
(Jerry's apartment, Michael knocks and enters)
MICHAEL
Hey.
JERRY
Hey George.
MICHAEL
New sneakers?
JERRY
Yeah.
MICHAEL
What do you need new sneakers for?
JERRY
I like sneakers.
MICHAEL
How do you make a decision which one
to wear? I'd go crazy if I have to decide
which sneakers to wear every day.
JERRY
Nah, you're crazy anyway.
===(Viewers)====
*
(Susan and Allison from 'The Smelly Car'. They're eating popcorn,
sitting on a couch)
SUSAN AND ALLSION
(to each other while they recognize
one of George's behaviors in Michael)
George!
*
(Sid and the housekeeper from 'The Old Man')
SID
What kind of stupid show is this? Hey!
It's that idiot that took all my records!
(the houskeeper starts laughing)
*
(John-John and Marla the virgin from 'The Contest'. Marla is
under the bed sheets while John-John is sitting at the end of
the bed, with the TV remote in his hands)
MARLA
John, what are you doing? Come back
to bed.
JOHN
(with a Boston accent) This show looks
interesting. Isn't he that Seinfeld
fellow you went out with?
MARLA
Ooh, he's horrible! Horrible!
JOHN
Nevertheless...
*
(The Drake, who went back with the Drakette, Allison, from 'The
Handicap Spot'. They watch the pilot on a tiny mini-TV with a
tiny antenna)
THE DRAKE
Ah, that Jerry's a funny guy. Huh? Got
to love the Sein!
ALLSION
Hate the Sein! (while she adjusts the
tiny antenna)
*
(Ping and Cheryl from 'The Visa'. They talk in Chinese and we
see sub-titles in English)
PING
I can't believe you liked him.
CHERYL
I thought he was dark and disturbed.
PING
Real perceptive.
*
(Donald and his parents from 'The Bubble boy'. We see his arm
coming off the bubble, between his parents. He doesn't have the
TV remote anymore. His parents are laughing)
DONALD
This is a piece of crap!
MOTHER
Donald, you used to like him.
DONALD
What a sellout! Give me that remote!
MEL
No, Donald.
(he grabs the remote from his father's hand and the three of
them start to fight)
===(Jerry's)===
(Jerry is getting a soda from the refrigerator)
KRAMER
Come on Jerry, the commercials almost
over.
JERRY
All right.
ELAINE
You know Jerry I really like this guy
who's playing the butler.
JERRY
Oh yeah. He's good. You know he's John
Ritter's cousin.
ELAINE
Really?
JERRY
Yeah.
===(TV)===
(doorbell, Jerry opens the door, it's the butler, Charles)
JERRY
Hello, Charles.
CHARLES
Hello. So, where do you want me to start
today?
JERRY
Why don't you start in the bedroom?
CHARLES
(to himself, upset) Start in the bedroom...
(Tom enters)
TOM
Hey.
JERRY
Hey. The butler's here.
TOM
He is? Listen. When he's finished, send
him over to my house.
JERRY
I'm not sending him to your house.
TOM
Why not?
JERRY
Because the judge decreed he'd become
my butler, not my friend's butler.
TOM
Jerry, he is your butler. You can give
him any order you want. That's what
butlers do.
JERRY
But I don't want to.
KRAMER
Jerry, my house is a pigsty, come on.
(buzzer, Jerry presses the button)
JERRY
Yeah?
SANDI
(from the buzzer's speaker) It's Elaine.
JERRY
Come on up.
(The butler comes back from the bedroom with a can of Pledge)
CHARLES
I need more Pledge.
JERRY
More Pledge! I just bought two cans
last week and I don't even have any
wood in the house!
CHARLES
Well, it goes fast.
(Sandi enters)
SANDI
(to Charles, very friendly) Hello.
CHARLES
Hello. (he goes back in the bedroom)
JERRY
What's all this about?
SANDI
We had a date.
JERRY
You had a date? You went out with my
butler? Who said you could go out with
my butler?
SANDI
Why do I need your permission?
JERRY
Because he's my butler!
===(Viewers)===
*
(Morty and Helen laughing)
MORTY
That's terrific!
HELEN
How could anyone not like him?
*
(Calvin Klein with Tia from 'The Pick')
C.K.
I like his style. He has a sort of casual
elegance.
TIA
But he picks his nose.
C.K.
Nevertheless...
*
(Sal Bass and Sidra from 'The Implant')
SAL BASS
He's a member of our health club. Isn't
he?
SIDRA
Yeah...
SAL BASS
You know that Kim Novak has some big
breasts?
*
(Newman sleeping and snoring in his chair while a baseball game
is on TV)
(TV)
(final monologue at the comedy club)
JERRY
Ever notice a lot of butlers are named
Jeeves?
(quick shot at (Jerry's) they all watch)
JERRY
You know I think when you name a baby
Jeeves, you've pretty much mapped out
his future, wouldn't you say? Not much
chance is gonna be a hitman I think
after that. (with a British accent)
"Terribly sorry Sir, but I'm going to
have to whack you".
(end of the pilot and of the three different settings)
(back to Jerry's)
ALL
(applauding and shaking hands) Wooh!
Yeah!
ELAINE
Wow! That was great! That show was so
funny. It was really funny. I'm not
just saying that cause I know you. Honestly.
JERRY
Let's go out and celebrate! (they all
get up)
ELAINE
That was so good.
JERRY
Come on let's eat something. (phone
rings)
ELAINE
You know what I think this thing is
gonna get picked up George. You guys
are gonna be rich!
GEORGE
Do you really think so?
ELAINE
Oh yeah.
GEORGE
And God didn't kill me.
JERRY
(to the phone) Hello?
RITA
Hi Jerry, this is Rita Kierson.
JERRY
Oh, hi Rita.
RITA
I'm calling to let you know that Russell
Dalrimple is no longer with this network.
JERRY
Oh, my God. Did he get fired?
RITA
To be honest with you. Nobody really
knows. He seems to have disappeared.
JERRY
Russell's disappeared?
RITA
In any event, I've been made the new
president of NBC. As you may or may
not know, Russell and I did not see
eye to eye on many, many projects. And
as my first order of business, I'm,
uh, passing on your show.
JERRY
You're passing already? But the show
just ended two minutes ago!
RITA
Well, I just got the job. Goodbye, Jerry.
JERRY
Yeah, see ya. (he hangs up)
(Jerry and George stare at Elaine)
ELAINE
What-- What are you looking at me for?
GEORGE
It was you!
ELAINE
What did I do?
JERRY
Do you realize his obsession with you
cost us a TV series?
ELAINE
I didn't know that he'd fall for me
and I'd drive him insane. I mean, you
know, that's not my fault.
GEORGE
Yes it is! You're very charming!
ELAINE
I can't believe this? What happened
to him? Where the hell is he?
JERRY
No one knows.
(scnen ends)
(Greenpeace raft on the ocean, following a whaler)
(Russell with two other guys in the Greenpeace boat)
RUSSELL
She works for Pendant Publishing. She's
the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.
You know, I used to work for NBC, but
when I go back to her this time, she'll
respect me.
MAN ON RAFT
You'd better get down. They might start
firing soon. (harpoon fires)
(scene ends)
(Monk's)
(The restaurant is full of men, some of them standing and waiting
for a table. Jerry, Elaine, George and Kramer enters)
JERRY
Hey look at this. What is going on here?
GEORGE
Well, well, well.
ELAINE
Nothing has changed. How did this happen?
(she sees the two guys of the Equal
Employment Opportunity Commission at
a table) Ah, these are the two guys
I talked to at the Equal Employment
Opportunity Commission. Hey! What are
you two guys doing here? I thought you
were gonna do something about this.
Now you're eating here?
FRED
Oh no. That's why we're here. We're
checking things out.
PAUL
Yeah, we're checking it out.
ELAINE
(to Paul) You're checking it out?
(a man is leaving the restaurant and walks by Fred and Paul's
table)
MAN
(to Fred and Paul) See you back at the
office, guys.
MR. VISAKI
Fred, Paul, lunch and dinner? Boy, you
guys ought to move in. How about a piece
of pie on me? Sophia! Take care of these
fellows.
ELAINE
(to the manager) Hey! Come here a second.
I want you to know something. You are
not gonna get away with this!
MR. VISAKI
Get away with what?
ELAINE
Ah, "with what?" You know what. With
the waitresses. How they're all... alike.
MR. VISAKI
Of course they're alike. They're my
daughters.
(they all show smiles of surprise)
ELAINE
(embarrassed, but smiling) Oh, your
daughters.
GEORGE
You must be very proud Mr. Visaki. (shaking
his hand) And may I say sir they're
lovely girls, absolutely lovely girls.
It's nice to see such fine upstanding
women in gainful employment, Mr. Visaki.
MR. VISAKI
Oh, here's a table for you.
GEORGE
A table right here.
MR. VISAKI
Peggy!
GEORGE
Peggy! (they all sit) His daughter Peggy.
Peggy's coming over to serve.
JERRY
What a family!
MR. VISAKI
My daughter Peggy.
GEORGE
Ah! Peggy. Good to see you.
ELAINE
Hi Peggy.
GEORGE
Thank you very much. (Peggy leaves the
menus and walks away) So guess what
I got do tomorrow?
JERRY
What?
GEORGE
Start looking for a job.
KRAMER
You know what you ought to do George?
You should work for Greenpeace. You
those people they attack the whalers
out on the open sea.
GEORGE
Are you crazy? You take your life in
your hands with those nuts.
(scene ends)
(Greenpeace raft)
(Russell fell off the boat but still hangs on to a rope. The
other man, still in the boat is screaming to him and holds the
rope.)
MAN
Keep fighting matey! Get your head above
the water! I've got you matey! I've
got you! Matey! (he loses the rope)
I'll remember her name! Elaine Benes!
I'll write to her. I'll tell her all
about you and what you did out here!
Goodbye, matey! Goddbye!
(we see the script of the pilot 'Jerry' floating on the ocean)
THE END
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