THE PITCH
Written by
Larry David
(At club bar)
Jerry and George are talking. Stu and Jay enter.
STU
Excuse me, Jerry? I'm Stu Chermak. I'm
with NBC.
JERRY
Hi.
STU
Could we speak for a few moments?
JERRY
Sure.
JAY
Hi, Jay Crespi.
JERRY
Hello.
GEORGE
Uh, C-R-E-S-P-I?
JAY
That's right.
GEORGE
I'm unbelievable at spelling last names.
Give me a last name.
JAY
Mm, I'm not-
JERRY
George-
GEORGE
(backing off) Huh? All right, fine.
STU
First of all, that was a terrific show.
JERRY
Oh thank you very much.
STU
And basically, I just wanted to let
you know that we've been
discussing you at some of our meetings and we'd be very interested
in
doing something.
JERRY
Really? Wow.
STU
So, if you have any idea for like a
TV show for yourself, well,
we'd just love to talk about it.
JERRY
I'd be very interested in something
like that.
STU
Well, here, uh, why don't you give us
a call and maybe we can develop
a series.
They start to exit.
JERRY
Okay. Great. Thanks.
STU
It was very nice meeting you.
JERY
Thank you.
JAY
Nice meeting you.
JERRY
Nice meeting you.
(George returns)
GEORGE
What was that all about?
JERRY
They said they were interested in me.
GEORGE
For what?
JERRY
You know, a TV show.
GEORGE
Your own show?
JERRY
Yeah, I guess so.
GEORGE
They want you to do a TV show?
JERRY
Well, they want me to come up with an
idea. I mean, I don't have
any ideas.
GEORGE
Come on, how hard is that? Look at all
the junk that's on TV.
You want an idea? Here's an idea. You coach gymnastics team in
high
school. And you're married. And your son's not interested in
gymnastics
and you're pushing him into gymnastics.
JERRY
Why should I care if my son's into gymnastics?
GEORGE
Because you're a gymnastics teacher.
It's only natural.
JERRY
But gymnastics is not for everybody.
GEORGE
I know, but he's your son.
JERRY
So what?
GEORGE
All right, forget that idea, it's not
for you....Okay, okay, I
got it. You run an antique store.
JERRY
Yeah and...?
GEORGE
And people come in the store and you
get involved in their
lives.
JERRY
What person who runs an antique store
gets involved in people's
lives?
GEORGE
Why not?
JERRY
So someone comes in to buy an old lamp
and all of a sudden I'm
getting them out of a jam? I could see if I was a pharmacist
because a
pharmacist knows what's wrong with everybody that comes in.
GEORGE
I know, but antiques are very popular
right now.
JERRY
No they're not, they used to be.
GEORGE
Oh yeah, like you know.
JERRY
Oh like you do.
(Jerry's Apartment)
KRAMER
...And you're the manager of the circus.
JERRY
A circus?
KRAMER
Come on, this is a great idea. Look
at the characters. You've
got all these freaks on the show. A woman with a moustache? I
mean, who
wouldn't tune in to see a women with a moustache? You've for
the
tallest man in the world; a guy who's just a head.
JERRY
I don't think so.
KRAMER
Look Jerry, the show isn't about the
circus, it's about watching
freaks.
JERRY
I don't think the network will go for
it.
KRAMER
Why not?
JERRY
Look, I'm not pitching a show about
freaks.
KRAMER
Oh come on Jerry, you're wrong. People
they want to watch freaks.
This is a "can't miss."
NEWMAN
Kramer.
JERRY
Hello Newman.
NEWMAN
Come on lets go. I got the helmet. Lets
get the radar detector.
KRAMER
All right I'll be back in a second.
You guys coming to my party? (exits)
TOGETHER
Yeah, sure.
JERRY
What's this all about?
NEWMAN
We're making a trade. I'm giving him
my motorcycle helmet - he's giving me
his radar detector.
JERRY
I didn't know you had a motorctcle.
NEWMAN
Well my girlfriend had one.
JERRY
You have a girlfriend?
NEWMAN
I HAD a girlfriend and she was pretty
wild.
JERRY
I never remember you with a girl.
NEWMAN
Nevertheless, ...
JERRY
This is a pretty bad deal for Kramer.
You know a radar detector is worth much
more than that helmet. I think you're
cheating him.
NEWMAN
Don't say anything.
JERRY
All right.
(Kramer enters)
JERRY
You know you're getting gypped over
here.
KRAMER
Really, Ah,
NEWMAN
We had a deal. Are you reneging out
of the deal? Are you reneging? That's
a renege.
KRAMER
Oh, stop saying 'reneging".
NEWMAN
Well you're reneging.
KRAMER
I, Okay, okay. I'm not reneging.
(they try to exchange items but won't let go)
NEWMAN
All right give it to me. let go ...
KRAMER
You let go - come on ...(they fight
over the items)
JERRY
Gimme that - just gimme that. Here.
Idiots!
NEWMAN
Thanks buddy. So long he he ...(exits)
JERRY
Does that thing work?
KRAMER
Nah.
At Monks.
(Jerry and George enter.)
JERRY
... I just got a postcard from Elaine?
GEORGE
Really?
JERRY
Yeah, they're in London now. They'll
be back in a few weeks.
GEORGE
I can't believe she got involved with
a shrink.
GEORGE
So, what's happening with the TV show?
You come up with anything?
JERRY
No, nothing.
GEORGE
Why don't they have salsa on the table?
JERRY
What do you need salsa for?
GEORGE
Salsa is now the number one condiment
in America.
JERRY
You know why? Because people like to
say "salsa." "Excuse me, do
you have salsa?" "We need more salsa." "Where is the salsa? No
salsa?"
GEORGE
You know it must be impossible for a
Spanish person to order
seltzer and not get salsa. (Angry) "I wanted seltzer, not salsa."
JERRY
"Don't you know the difference between
seltzer and salsa?? You
have the seltezer after the salsa!"
GEORGE
See, this should be a show. This is
the show.
JERRY
What?
GEORGE
This. Just talking.
JERRY
(dismissing) Yeah, right.
GEORGE
I'm really serious. I think that's a
good idea.
JERRY
Just talking? Well what's the show about?
GEORGE
It's about nothing.
JERRY
No story?
GEORGE
No forget the story.
JERRY
You've got to have a story.
GEORGE
Who says you gotta have a story? Remember
when we were waiting for,
for that table in that Chinese restaurant that time? That could
be a TV
show.
JERRY
And who is on the show? Who are the
characters?
GEORGE
I could be a character.
JERRY
You?
GEORGE
Yeah. You could base a character on
me.
JERRY
So, on the show, there's a character
named George Costanza?
GEORGE
Yeah. There's something wrong with that?
I'm a character. People are always saying
to me, "You know you're a quite a character."
JERRY
And who else is on the show?
GEORGE
Elaine could be a character. Kramer..
JERRY
Now he's a character. (Pause) So everybody
I know is a character on the show.
GEORGE
Right.
JERRY
And it's about nothing?
GEORGE
Absolutely nothing.
JERRY
So you're saying, I go in to NBC, and
tell them I got this idea for a show
about nothing.
GEORGE
We go into NBC.
JERRY
"We"? Since when are you a writer?
GEORGE
(Scoffs) Writer. We're talking about
a sit-com.
JERRY
You want to go with me to NBC?
GEORGE
Yeah. I think we really go something
here.
JERRY
What do we got?
GEORGE
An idea.
JERRY
What idea?
GEORGE
An idea for the show.
JERRY
I still don't know what the idea is.
GEORGE
It's about nothing.
JERRY
Right.
GEORGE
Everybody's doing something, we'll do
nothing.
JERRY
So, we go into NBC, we tell them we've
got an idea for a show about nothing.
GEORGE
Exactly.
JERRY
They say, "What's your show about?"
I say, "Nothing."
GEORGE
There you go.
(A moment passes)
JERRY
(Nodding) I think you may have something
there.
(Jerry's apartment)
(Jerry's explaining George's idea to Kramer)
JERRY
So, the show would be about my real
life. And one of the characters would
be based on you.
KRAMER
(Thinks) No, I don't think so.
JERRY
What do you mean you don't think so?
KRAMER
I don't like it.
JERRY
I don't understand. What don't you like
about it?
KRAMER
I don't like the idea of a character
based on me.
JERRY
Why not?
KRAMER
well it just doesn't sit well.
JERRY
You're my neighbor. There's got to be
a character based on you.
KRAMER
That's your problem, buddy.
JERRY
I don't understand what the big deal
is.
KRAMER
Hey, I'll tell you what - you can do
it on one condition.
JERRY
Whatever you want.
KRAMER
I get to play Kramer.
JERRY
You can't play Kramer.
KRAMER
I am Kramer.
JERRY
But you can't act.
KRAMER
Phew!
(Newman enters)
JERRY
Okay, fine. We'll use Newman.
KRAMER
Newman?
NEWMAN
Use me for what?
JERRY
Nothin' What do you want?
NEWMAN
Well, you'll never guess what happened
to me today. I was uh, driving ( Jerry
and Kramer turn away) home on the palisades
parkway when I looked in the rear view
mirror and what did I see? The fuzz.
And it's funny because my new radar
detector was on. I didn't hear a thing.
Isn't that strange?
KRAMER
Yeah. That's strange.
NEWMAN
A radar detector, as I understand it,
DETECTS RADAR! WITH A SERIES OF BEEPS
AND FLASHING LIGHTS. But oddly, for
some reason I didn't hear a thing except
for the sound of a police siren.
KRAMER
That's queer uh?
NEWMAN
I WANT MY HELMET BACK! GIVE ME BACK
MY HELMET AND YOU'RE GOING TO PAY FOR
THAT TICKET.
KRAMER
Yeah, you better think again Mojumbo.
NEWMAN
You gave me a defective detector. ...
Jerry?
JERRY
Buyer beware.
NEWMAN
Are you going to give me back that helmet
or not?
KRAMER
No. We had a deal. There are no guarantees
in life.
NEWMAN
No, but there's karma, Kramer.
JERRY
Karma Kramer?
NEWMAN
And one more thing. I'm not coming to
your party. (exits)
(Scene ends)
( NBC reception area)
(Jerry and George are waiting)
JERRY
(To himself) Salsa, seltzer. Hey, excuse
me, you got any salsa? No, not selzer,
salsa. (George doesn't react) What's
the matter?
GEORGE
(Nervous) Nothing.
JERRY
You sure? You look a little pale.
GEORGE
No, I'm fine. I'm good. I'm very good.
JERRY
What, are you nervous?
GEORGE
No, not nervous. I'm good, very good.
(A beat, then he snaps) I can't do this!
Can't do this!
JERRY
What?
GEORGE
I can't do this! I can't do it. I have
tried. I'm here. It's impossible.
JERRY
This was your idea!
GEORGE
What idea? I just said something. I
didn't know you were going to listen
to me.
JERRY
Dont' worry about it. They're just TV
executives.
GEORGE
They're men with jobs, Jerry! They wear
suits and ties. They're married, they
have secretaries.
JERRY
I told you not to come.
GEORGE
I need some water. I gotta get some
water.
JERRY
They'll give us water in there.
GEORGE
Really? That's pretty good.
(Jerry looks into hallway)
JERRY
Oh God, it's Joe Devola.
GEORGE
Who?
JERRY
This guy's a writer, he's a total nut.
I think he goes to the same shrink as
Elaine.
JERRY
Oh God he saw me.
DEVOLA
Hello Jerry.
JERRY
Hey Joe! HOW YOU DOING?
DEVOLA
You're under no obligation to shake
my hand.
JERRY
Oh, no, Just a custom. Uh, THAT'S MY
FRIEND GEORGE. YOU LOOK GOOD.
DEVOLA
Why shouldn't I look good?
JERRY
Oh, no reason. You're into karate right?
DEVOLA
You want to hit me?
JERRY
What are you doing here?
DEVOLA
I dreopped a script off.
JERRY
AH, GOOD FOR YOU.
(they stare at each other)
JERRY
Well, ...
DEVOLA
You don't have to say anything.
JERRY
No, Uh, hey I guess I'll see you Sunday
night.
DEVOLA
Why?
JERRY
Kramer's party.
DEVOLA
Kramer's ... having ... a ... party?
JERRY
No, no, he's not having a party. He's
doing something. I don't know what it
is. It's nothing. He's not doing anything.
DEVOLA
Gee, I thought Kramer and I were very
close friends.
JERRY
No, I'm sure you are. I'm sure you are
very close friends. Very close.
(Crazy Joe leaves)
JERRY
Give my best to Hinckley.
GEORGE
What was that?
JERRY
I can't believe what I just did. I didn't
know kramer didn't invite him. I better
call Kramer, ...
(before he can dial)
RECEPTIONIST
They're ready for you.
GEORGE
Okay, okay. Look, you do all the talking,
okay?
JERRY
Relax. Who are they?
GEORGE
Yeah, they're not better than me.
JERRY
Course not.
GEORGE
Who are they?
JERRY
They're nobody.
GEORGE
What about me?
JERRY
What about you?
GEORGE
Why them? Why not me?
JERRY
Why not you?
GEORGE
I'm as good as them.
JERRY
Better.
GEORGE
You really think so?
JERRY
No.
(The door opens, and, from Jerry and George's point of view,
four executives stand up)
(Scene ends)
( NBC president's office)
(Stu Chermak, Susan Ross, Jay Crespi, and Russell Dalrymple,
the head of the network, are all talking with Jerry and George)
STU
(To Jerry, laughing about one of his
bits) The bit, the bit I really liked
what were the parakeet flew into the
mirror. Now that's funny.
GEORGE
The parakeet in the mirror. That's a
good one, Stu.
JERRY
Yeah, it's one of my favorites.
RUSSELL
What about you, George? Have you written
anything we might know?
GEORGE
(Quickly making it up) Well, possibly.
I wrote an off-Broadway show, "La Cocina."
..Actually, it was off-off-Broadway.
It was a comedy about a Mexican chef.
JERRY
Oh, it was very funny. There was one
great scene with the chef - what was
his name?
GEORGE
Pepe.
JERRY
Oh, Pepe. Yeah, Pepe. And, uh, he was
making tamales.
SUSANEWMAN
Oh, he actually cooked on the stage?
GEORGE
No, no, he mimed it. That's what was
so funny about it.
RUSSELL
So, what have you two come up with?
JERRY
Well, we've thought about this in a
variety of ways. But the basic idea
is I will play myself-
GEORGE
(Interrupting) May I?
JERRY
Go ahead.
GEORGE
I think I can sum up the show for you
with one word: NOTHING.
RUSSELL
Nothing?
GEORGE
(Smiling) Nothing.
RUSSELL
(Unimpressed) What does that mean?
GEORGE
The show is about nothing.
JERRY
(To George) Well, it's not about nothing.
GEORGE
(To Jerry) No, it's about nothing.
JERRY
Well, maybe in philosophy. But, even
nothing is something.
(Jerry and George glare at each other. The receptionist enters)
RECEPTIONIST
Mr. Dalrymple, your niece is on the
phone.
RUSSELL
I'll call back.
(Receptionist leaves)
GEORGE
(Attempting to spell his last name)
D-A-L-R-I-M-P-E-L?
RUSSELL
(Obviously dislikes George) Not even
close.
GEORGE
Is it with a "y"?
RUSSELL
No.
SUSANEWMAN
What's the premise?
JERRY
..Well, as I was saying, I would play
myself, and, as a comedian, living in
New York, I have a friend, a neighbor,
and an ex-girlfriend, which is all true.
GEORGE
Yeah, but nothing happens on the show.
You see, it's just like life. You know,
you eat, you go shopping, you read..
You eat, you read, You go shopping.
RUSSELL
You read? You read on the show?
JERRY
Well, I don't know about the reading..
We didn't discuss the reading.
RUSSELL
All right, tell me, tell me about the
stories. What kind of stories?
GEORGE
Oh, no. No stories.
RUSSELL
No stories? So, what is it?
GEORGE
(Showing an example) What'd you do today?
RUSSELL
I got up and came to work.
GEORGE
There's a show. That's a show.
RUSSELL
(Confused) How is that a show?
JERRY
Well, uh, maybe something happens on
the way to work.
GEORGE
No, no, no. Nothing happens.
JERRY
Well, something happens.
RUSSELL
Well, why am I watching it?
GEORGE
Because it's on TV.
RUSSELL
(Threatening) Not yet.
GEORGE
Okay, uh, look, if you want to just
keep on doing the same old thing, then
maybe this idea is not for you. I, for
one, am not going to compromise my artistic
integrity. And I'll tell you
something else, this is the show and we're not going to change
it. (To Jerry) Right?
(A moment passes)
JERRY
(To Russell) How about this: I manage
a circus..
(Monks)
JERRY
I don't even want to talk about it anymore.
What were you thinking? What was going
on in your mind? Artistic integrity?
Where, where did you come up with that?
You're not artistic and you have no
integrity. You know you really need
some help. A regular psychiatrist couldn't
even help you. You need to go to like
Vienna or something. You know what I
mean? You need to get involved at the
University level. Like where Freud studied
and have all those people looking at
you and checking up on you. That's the
kind of help you need. Not the once
a week for eighty bucks. No. You need
a team. A team of psychiatrists working
round the clock thinking about you,
having conferences, observing you, like
the way they did with the Elephant Man.
That's what I'm talking about because
that's the only way you're going to
get better.
GEORGE
. . . I thought the woman was kind of
cute.
JERRY
Hold it. I really want to be clear about
this. Are you talking about the woman
in the meeting? Is that the woman you're
talking about?
GEORGE
Yeah, I thought I might give her a call.
I, I don't meet that many women. I meet
like three women a year. I mean, we've
been introduced. She knows my name.
JERRY
IT'S COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE!
GEORGE
Why? Maybe she liked me. I, I mean she
was looking right at me. You know, I
think she was impressed. You know, we
had good eye contact the whole meeting.
JERRY
Oh, I forgot to call Kramer.
GEORGE
Wait a minute let me call Susan.
JERRY
No, no this is more important.
GEORGE
She might be leaving to work any minute.
JERRY
No, I got to warn him that I told Joe
Devola about his party.
GEORGE
No.
(they race to the pay phone)
(Paris hotel room - Dr. Reston and Elaine are kissing)
ELAINE
What is it?
DR. RESTON
I was just thinking about this patient
of mine.
ELAINE
What?
DR. RESTON
Just wondering if he's taking his medication.
ELAINE
Well, come on we're on vacation.
(Jerry's apartment)
JERRY
Well we were standing uh, inn the waiting
area there, and you know how Devola
is. He's all, ... (buzzer)
KRAMER
Yeah (to buzzer)
GEORGE
(OC) It's George.
JERRY
And so, uh I felt very uncomfortable
with him and you know I just blurted
out something about your party.
KRAMER
Whoa, back up a second.
JERRY
Well, I didn't know that you didn't
invite him.
KRAMER
Why would you think I would invite him?
JERRY
I just a ssumed, ...
KRAMER
Assumed? Never assume anything. I don't
want that nut in my house. You know
he's on medication.
(George and Susan enter)
GEORGE
Hello, oh, hello. You remember, ...
Susan, from N B C.
JERRY
Of course. How are you?
SUSAN
Fine, it's good to see you.
GEORGE
And this is Kramer.
SUSAN
Hello.
GEORGE
All right go ahead Susan, tell him.
JERRY
Tell me what?
SUSAN
Well, I, (phone rings)
JERRY
Uh, sorry, Excuse me one second. Hello.
TEL
Hi, would you be interested in switching
over to TMI long distance service.
JERRY
Oh, gee, I can't talk right now. Why
don't you give me your home number and
I'll call you later.
TEL
Uh, I'm sorry we're not allowed to do
that.
JERRY
Oh, I guess you don't want people calling
you at home.
TEL
No.
JERRY
Well now you know how I feel. (Hangs
up)
GEORGE
Well, go ahead, tell him.
JERRY
Kramer, are you drinking that milk?
KRAMER
Yeah.
JERRY
What's the expiration date on that?
KRAMER
September third.
JERRY
The third?
GEORGE
and SUSAN: The third?
KRAMER
Um, Uh, ugh, ...
SUSAN
Noooo... (Kramer throws up on Susan)
(Monk's)
GEORGE
I never should have brought her up there.
Should have known better. Should have
seen it coming. I didn't see it coming.
JERRY
I think SHE saw it coming.
GEORGE
You know she was behind the idea. She
was going to champion the show. That's
what I was bring her up there to tell
you. And she liked me.
JERRY
Look just because Kramer vomited on
her doesn't mean the deal is dead.
GEORGE
What, are you crazy? It's a traumatic
thing to be thrown up on.
JERRY
Vommiting is not a deal breaker. If
Hitler had vommited on Chamberlin, Chamberlind
still would have given him Chekoslovakia.
GEORGE
Chamberlind, you could hold his head
in nthe toilet, he'd still give you
half of Europe.
(Kramer enters with helmet)
JERRY
What happened to you?
KRAMER
Devola came after me.
JERRY
What? Devola? See I told you this guy
is crazy. I can't believe this. What
happened?
KRAMER
Can I have a coffee. ... What, you know
I was walking home and I had to pick
up my helmet from the shop, you know.
I gota new strap. And I had it on you
know, and I was checking the strap out
to make sure it fit. Then suddenly I
feel this kick hit me on the side of
the head. It knocks me down, I look
up and it's Crazy Joe Devola. And he
say's, "That's what I thin k of your
party."
JERRY
Boy,that is some kick.
KRAMER
Well, yeah, Newman's helmet, it saved
my life. Look at that.
JERRY
Wow, Newman's helmet.
GEORGE
Holly.
KRAMER
I got bad news for you buddy. Devola
says you're next.
JERRY
Me, why?
KRAMER
He doesn't like you.
JERRY
What does he want from me? I didn't
do anything. See this is all Elaine's
fault. She took off to Europe with his
psychiatrist. He probably can't get
his medication. Now I got some nut after
me.
KRAMER
Pass the cream.
GEORGE
Wait a second. (smells it). all right.
THE END
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