THE PLEDGE DRIVE
Written by
Tom Gammill & Max Pross
(Comedy club)
There's something very insincere about these greeting cards we
send back and
forth to each other all the time. They're like these little one-dollar
folded
paper emotional prostitutes, isn't it? "I don't know what my
feelings are, so
I'll just pay some total stranger a buck to make up this little
Hallmark hooker
to do the job for me. So I can go, 'Yeah, I didn't write this,
but whatever
they wrote, I think the same thing.'" Wouldn't it be better if
we just had one
card that covered every occasion for everybody in one shot? Just
"Happy
birthday, merry Christmas, happy anniversary, congratulations,
it's a Boy and
our deepest sympathies. Signed, the whole office"
Elaine and Jerry and in Jerry's apartment.
ELAINE
She was hitting on you? My friend Noreen?
JERRY
Your friend, Noreen.
ELAINE
Are you sure you're not just flattering
yourself?
JERRY
If I was flattering myself, I think
I'd come up with someone a little
less annoying than Noreen.
ELAINE
I cannot believe that she was hitting
on you.
JERRY
If you don't believe me, ask her.
ELAINE
I will. Besides, she's got a boyfriend,
Jerry, you know him. Dan.
Remember, we went to that party at his house?
JERRY
Oh, right. The guy who talks with a
really high voice.
ELAINE
Yeah.
Kramer enters.
KRAMER
Jerry, did you get my Fortune magazine
in your mail?
JERRY
Check the pile.
KRAMER
Oh, who sent you a card?
JERRY
I don't know.
KRAMER
Open it, it's from Hallmark.
JERRY
Oh.
KRAMER
Hello, my love.
ELAINE
Hello, darling.
JERRY
Isn't that cute, a 'thank you' card
from Kristin.
KRAMER
Let me see.
ELAINE
Who's Kristin?
JERRY
She works for PBS, I met her when I
agreed to do that pledge drive.
KRAMER
Did you ask her about me?
JERRY
Yeah, in fact she said that you could
be one of those people that sits
in the back and answers the phone.
KRAMER
Giddy-up! Alright! So now, how does
that work? Now, what, I get a
percentage of every pledge I bring in, right?
JERRY
No, it's not aluminum siding, it's volunteer
work. All the money goes
to the station.
KRAMER
Okay, yeah, alright, that sounds good,
but I still get a tote bag
though, right?
JERRY
Yeah, and one of those foam beer can
holders.
Kramer leaves, satisfied.
ELAINE
You know what I'm doing? I'm calling
Noreen.
JERRY
Oh, go ahead.
ELAINE
You sure you don't mind?
JERRY
Like she's really going to admit she
was flirting with me.
Elaine finishes dialing, the phone rings and a high pitched voice
answers.
HIGH PITCHED VOICE
Hello?
ELAINE
Hi, it's Elaine. Listen, I was just
talking to Jerry.
HIGH PITCHED VOICE
Jerry?
ELAINE
Jerry Seinfeld.
HIGH PITCHED VOICE
Oh, I like Jerry a lot.
ELAINE
You mean like like?
HIGH PITCHED VOICE
What are you talking about?
ELAINE
Noreen, were you hitting on him?
Cut to the other end of the conversation, there's a bald man
on the telephone.
HIGH PITCHED VOICE
Noreen's not here, this is Dan.
ELAINE
Ooh.
DAN
You say that Noreen was hitting on Jerry
Seinfeld?
ELAINE
Uh, I'll call you back later.
ELAINE
Uh oh.
JERRY
So was I right? She likes me, right?
Elaine is sharpening pencils for Mr. Pitt. The phone is ringing.
MR. PITT
Hello? (to Elaine) It's for you. Must
you keep giving
my number out?
ELAINE
Oh, I'm sorry Mr. Pitt. Hello?
HIGH PITCHED VOICE
Elaine? What is going on? Why did you
tell Dan I was
hitting on Jerry Seinfeld?
ELAINE
Is this Noreen?
HIGH PITCHED VOICE
What would ever possess you to make
up a story
like that.
ELAINE
Well, listen, Jerry mentioned it, and,
I don't know--
DAN
I think I deserve an explanation.
ELAINE
Noreen, are you crying?
DAN
No, this is Dan!
ELAINE
Oh, hi Dan.
MR. PITT
Elaine? Work?
ELAINE
Tell Noreen I'll just call her back
later.
MR. PITT
Who was crying?
ELAINE
No one. I'm sorry Mr. Putt, that won't
happen again.
Mr. Pitt (unwrapping a candy bar, placing it on a plate and cutting
it with
KNIFE AND FORK)
I'm sure it won't, but someone was crying
and I want to know
who it was.
Well, it's a long story, okay? But my stupid friend Jerry told
my other friend
Noreen that she was-- (noticing Mr. Pitt eating the candy bar
with knife and
fork and becoming distracted) You know, hitting on him and so
I called her to
see what was, uh, going on and I accidentally got her boyfriend,
who is this,
you know--
Jerry and Kristin, the PBS rep, are in Jerry's apartment. Jerry
is reading from
a sheet of paper.
JERRY
I'm Jerry Seinfeld, I tell jokes for
a living, but there's no joking
about the financial crisis at PBS. Show us you care. Call in
your pledge now.
KRISTIN
Jerry, I am so grateful that you're
doing this.
JERRY
Oh, I know you are.
KRISTIN
You got the card I sent?
JERRY
I did.
KRISTIN
So where is it?
JERRY
What?
KRISTIN
The card. Is this it in the trash?
JERRY
No?
KRISTIN
This is my card, you threw it away.
JERRY
Well--
KRISTIN
I put a lot of thought into this card.
JERRY
You signed your name and you addressed
the envelope, it's not like you
painted the picture and wrote the poem.
KRISTIN
Fine. I gotta get back to the office.
JERRY
Why, because I threw the card out? How
long was I supposed to save it?
KRISTIN
You have no sentimentality.
JERRY
I have sentimentality, really, I'm sentimental.
Here, look. Here's
some cards I've saved, these are birthday cards from my grandmother,
see, I'm
not a bad guy.
KRISTIN
Oh, so you save her cards but not mine!
Oh great!
JERRY
Well, but, you see, I saved something!
See? I can save. I'll see you at the pledge drive, ok?
Kramer enters as Kristin leaves.
KRAMER
New cards, huh?
JERRY
No, they're old cards from my grandmother.
KRAMER
Oh. Well, I'll tell you, a nice greeting
card can really lift a
person's spirits.
JERRY
Yeah.
KRAMER
Oh, a check.
JERRY
Yeah, she puts ten dollars in every
card for my birthday, that's why I
save them.
KRAMER
There's a check in all these? Why don't
you cash them?
JERRY
I don't know, it's ten dollars.
KRAMER
But you got a whole pile here. 1987?
JERRY
Oh so what.
KRAMER
Jerry, your grandmother gave you this
gift. She wants you to spend the
money, to have the fun that she can't have. Oh, this is tantamount
to a slap in
the face.
JERRY
Oh, get out of here.
KRAMER
Jerry, a gift not enjoyed is like a
flower that doesn't blossom.
JERRY
Alright, alright, I'll cash the checks.
KRAMER
Yeah.
Jerry and George are at the coffee shop.
JERRY
It was a 'thank you' card from Kristin
because I'm doing the PBS drive.
I mean, how long am I supposed to keep it?
GEORGE
The rule is a minimum of two days.
JERRY
You making that up or do you know what
you're talking about?
GEORGE
I'm making it up.
JERRY
I mean really, what's the point of saving
it? I could see if I had a
mantel.
GEORGE
Oh, well, a mantel's a whole different
story.
JERRY
Absolutely.
GEORGE
If my parents had a mantel, I might
be a completely different person.
JERRY
So anyway, she's kind of upset about
it so I need you to do me a favor.
GEORGE
Let's have it.
JERRY
Well, I'm doing the PBS show, so during
the show they're gonna be
running the Ken Burns baseball thing. So I thought if I could
get a baseball
player to come on the show with me...
GEORGE
You want me to ask one of the Yankees.
JERRY
Could you?
GEORGE
Alright. I'll run it by a few people.
JERRY
Alright, Do your thing, where you lie
to everyone.
ELAINE
I should never have made that phone
call.
JERRY
Hey, did you ever get to talk to Noreen?
ELAINE
Yes, she's very upset.
JERRY
So was I right about the flirting? Was
it true?
ELAINE
I don't know, I never asked. She was
yelling--
GEORGE
Who was flirting with you?
JERRY
Remember when we were in the bookstore,
that woman came up to us?
GEORGE
She wasn't flirting with you.
JERRY
Oh, sure she was; Asked me where the
'humor' section was? Humor? Come
on.
ELAINE
Jerry, her brother just had a book of
political cartoons published.
Elaine and George laugh derisively.
JERRY
Alright, so maybe she wasn't flirting
with me. So what?
ELAINE
So, yeah, that's funny. Hey, you wanna
hear something weird? Mr. Pitt
eats his Snickers bars with a knife and fork.
GEORGE
Really?
ELAINE
Yeah.
JERRY
Why does he do that?
GEORGE
He probably doesn't want to get chocolate
on his fingers. That's the
way these society types eat their candy bars.
JERRY
Oh, you know.
GEORGE
What, you think I eat all my meals with
you? (To waitress) Excuse me,
sweetheart? I think you may have overcharged us. What is this?
WAITRESS
That's the extra toast. Get it?
GEORGE
Got it. (the waitress walks away) Did
you just see what happened
here?
ELAINE
What?
GEORGE
Did you see the way she pointed at the
check? She gave me the finger.
JERRY
That's how waitress types express derision.
They don't want to get
their mouths dirty.
George is in a meeting at work.
GEORGE
So, what do you think?
MR. MORGAN
A PBS fundraiser? I'm not gonna waste
any of the players' time
with that, besides the team already does so much promotion for
channel eleven.
GEORGE
Channel eleven? Forgive me for trying
to class up this place, for
trying to have the Yankees reach another strata of society that
might not watch
channel eleven.
George begins eating a candy bar with knife and fork.
MR. MORGAN
Uh, what the hell are you doing?
GEORGE
I am eating my dessert. How do you eat
it, with your hands?
MR. MORGAN
You know, maybe George has something
here about PBS.
Jerry and Kramer are at an ATM.
JERRY
Okay, sixty bucks from Nana.
KRAMER
Huh? Yeah.
Nana is home knitting, the phone rings.
NANA
Hello?
VOICE
Hello, this is Chemical Bank. Just wanted
you to know that your
checking account is overdrawn.
NANA
Chemical Bank? I haven't used that account
in months.
VOICE
Well, someone's been cashing the checks
and you're overdrawn.
Oh dear. I'll be down there first thing in the morning.
VOICE
Wait, we can do this over the
phone.
the alarm, fully dressed, gathers her coat and purse, sighs,
and heads for the
door.
George, Jerry and Kramer are at the coffee shop.
JERRY
You got Danny Tartabull?!
GEORGE
You wanted a Yankee, I got you a Yankee.
JERRY
Boy, you really came through. Kristin's
gonna be thrilled.
GEORGE
Hey, the Bull owes me one, I helped
him with his swing.
KRAMER
So you're bringing Danny Tartabull to
the fundraiser tonight.
GEORGE
Absolutely. Pending approval of the
script.
JERRY
Excuse me?
GEORGE
Jerry, I'm Yankee management.
KRAMER
Yeah, I'd like to see the script too.
JERRY
You're just answering phones!
KRAMER
It would put me at ease.
GEORGE
Hey, when you order from the waitress,
get her to point to the menu. I
want to see what finger she uses.
JERRY
Uh, say, I wanted a side order of fruit
but I didn't see it on the men
WAITRESS
Oh, you're getting it (pointing to menu
with index finger), it comes
with your breakfast special.
JERRY
Right you are.
GEORGE
I didn't get the special, but I'd also
like the fresh fruit too.
WAITRESS
I'll check.
GEORGE
I don't believe it, she did it again!
JERRY
Oh, she had an itch.
GEORGE
She had an itch. She could have used
any one of those fingers. That
finger was meant for me.
KRAMER
Yeah, she knew what she was doing.
JERRY
By the way, lunch is on me. I just cashed
my Nana's birthday checks.
Nana is standing on a deserted street in front of an abandoned
building,
checking for an address. A street tough approaches from behind.
STREET TOUGH
Looking for something, lady?
NANA
Isn't the Chemical Bank on this block?
STREET TOUGH
The bank? It burned. It's gone!
NANA
Oh dear.
STREET TOUGH
Now what you wanna do is go down to
forty-ninth street, that's
the main customer service branch. Ask for Mr. Fleming. He'll
help you.
Jerry is in his apartment, the phone rings.
JERRY
Hello?
UNCLE LEO
Jerry? Hello.
JERRY
Uncle Leo!
Listen, I don't want to alarm you, but your nana is missing.
Kramer enters.
JERRY
Nana's missing?
UNCLE LEO
I came to pick her up for a doctor's
appointment, she wasn't here.
I called the doctor, nobody knows where she is. She hasn't left
the apartment
in twenty-five years!
JERRY
I've been thinking about her, I just
cashed some of her checks.
KRAMER
Yeah, that's right. You did.
UNCLE LEO
What kind of checks?
JERRY
I think Chemical Bank.
KRAMER
Oh, they were Chemical.
UNCLE LEO
Chemical?! She hasn't used that account
since her branch closed.
What are you doing cashing her checks anyway?
JERRY
Well, Kramer thought it would make her
happy. (To Kramer) I never
should have cashed those checks!
KRAMER
Hey, I didn't twist your arm.
UNCLE LEO
Your grandmother's on a very fixed income.
What, are you broke?
JERRY
Just call me if you hear anything. (hangs
up and faces Kramer) Well?
I cashed the checks, the checks bounced and now my Nana's missing!
KRAMER
Well, don't look at me.
JERRY
It's your fault!
KRAMER
My fault? Your Nana is missing because
she's been passing those bum
checks all over town and she finally pissed off the wrong people.
Mr. Morgan is sitting at an outdoor cafe, eating a candy bar
with a knife and
fork. Noreen walks by and takes notice. Cut to Noreen and Elaine
seated at the
counter at Monk's.
NOREEN
So anyway, it's caused a lot of problems.
Dan thinks I'm interested in
Jerry, he won't let up.
ELAINE
I'm really sorry, but you can see why
I'd make a mistake like that.
NOREEN
No, why?
ELAINE
Well, you know, because he's a high
talker.
NOREEN
He does raise his voice occasionally,
but that's normal.
ELAINE
No. No, no, no, not a loud talker, a
high talker.
NOREEN
Really?
ELAINE
You don't think his voice sounds a lot
like yours?
NOREEN
I never noticed that.
ELAINE
Well, it's no big deal, you know, it's
just that he can sound like a
woman, you know?
NOREEN
Great. I'm going out with a man who
sounds like a woman.
ELAINE
Well, he looks like a man.
NOREEN
Yeah.
ELAINE
He's bald. I know that's a guy thing.
NOREEN
I guess.
ELAINE
I know he belches a lot.
NOREEN
Well, that's something. So, Jerry thought
I was flirting with him.
ELAINE
Yeah.
NOREEN
Hm. He's kind of a
baritone, isn't he?
ELAINE
What are you doing?
NOREEN
I'm eating this cookie.
ELAINE
No, no, no, but why are you using a
knife and a fork? Did you just
think of that?
NOREEN
No, I've seen people do it. I like it.
George is driving Danny Tartabull to the pledge drive.
DANNY TARTABULL
This isn't gonna take long, is it?
GEORGE
Oh no, in and out, I made sure of that.
And you'll be happy to know I
perused the script and it's met with my approval.
DANNY TARTABULL
I'm sure it's fine.
GEORGE
Hey! Watch it! Did you see that guy?
He just gave me the
finger!
DANNY TARTABULL
You sure?
GEORGE
Oh yeah! Middle finger, straight up,
at me! At us!
DANNY TARTABULL
What are you doing?
GEORGE
I'm following him.
Nana is at the bank.
BANKER
I'm sorry, the account had insufficient
funds. We had to return the
checks made out to a Mr. Jerry Seinfeld.
NANA
Oh dear, that's my grandson. May I call
him now and explain?
BANKER
Oh, certainly.
Elaine and Jerry are at Jerry's apartment.
ELAINE
And now I think she might really be
interested in you. And Dan is
obsessed, he keeps leaving these annoying messages on my machine.
The phone rings.
JERRY
Would you?
ELAINE
Hello?
NANA
Hello, I need to speak to Jerry.
ELAINE
Oh, it's you. We were just talking about
you.
Listen, Jerry doesn't want to talk to you. Nobody wants to talk
to you, so why
don't you just drop dead?
ELAINE
Heh?
Kramer enters.
KRAMER
Any word from Nana?
JERRY
No.
ELAINE
Nana?
JERRY
Yeah, my grandma's missing.
ELAINE
Missing?
JERRY
Yeah. I think it might have something
to do with those checks.
ELAINE
Um, what does Nana sound like?
JERRY
Like a grandmother, why?
ELAINE
Well...
JERRY
Oh, you hung up on my Nana?!
ELAINE
I don't know, maybe.
JERRY
You told Nana to drop dead?!
ELAINE
It's possible.
JERRY
Yes, it is!
KRAMER
Alright, alright. Look, Jerry, we gotta
get down to PBS, PDQ.
JERRY
Alright.
George is still driving, he's all worked up.
GEORGE
No one gives us the finger! We're Yankees!
DANNY TARTABULL
Want this last donut?
GEORGE
No, you can have it.
Danny Tartabull begins eating the donut with a knife and fork.
George takes
notice.
Jerry and Kramer are at PBS.
KRAMER
Jerry, where are all the tote bags?
JERRY
I don't know.
KRAMER
Well, I'm not leaving the premises without
tote bags. I was promised
tote bags and tote bags I shall have.
KRISTIN
Jerry, this man wants to see you.
JERRY
Leo?
UNCLE LEO
Hello.
JERRY
Uncle Leo! What are you doing here?
UNCLE LEO
I wanted to tell you that your grandmother
is fine.
JERRY
Oh.
UNCLE LEO
She's had quite a day but she's gonna
watch you tonight on the TV.
KRISTIN
Jerry, I'm dying to meet Danny Tartabull.
Where is he?
JERRY
He'll be here any second.
KRISTIN
You know you guys are both on in five
minutes.
JERRY
Yeah, yeah.
KRISTIN
Okay.
UNCLE LEO
Why didn't you tell me you were a little
short? Here. If anybody
asks you where you got it, you don't know.
JERRY
No, that's ok, I really don't need any
money.
UNCLE LEO
What are you talking about?
JERRY
Please-
UNCLE LEO
I want-
JERRY
It's not necessary.
UNCLE LEO
Jerry, would you please take it.
JERRY
I can't, I can't take it.
UNCLE LEO
I want you to have it!
JERRY
Uncle Leo, I don't want to have it!
UNCLE LEO
Jerry, take the money!
JERRY
I don't want it!!
There's a knock at the door.
HIGH PITCHED VOICE
Jerry, open up. We need to talk.
KRAMER
Who's that?
JERRY
You know what? It sounds like the friend
of Elaine's that was hitting
on me in the book store.
KRAMER
Jerry, I'll take care of it.
Kramer walks out and sees Dan.
DAN
Is Jerry in there?
KRAMER
Well, he can't be disturbed now.
DAN
Well this situation is driving me crazy.
He's all I think about. I can't
get him out of my mind.
KRAMER
I'm sorry. I mean, I know what it's
like to be in love. Ties you up
in knots. And Jerry is a very sexy man.
DAN
What?
KRAMER
Look, I'm not judging you. In fact,
we here at PBS, we have many
programs celebrating your lifestyle. Armistead Maupin's Tales
of the City,
Gender Bending and Swinging in San Francisco. Before Stonewall
about those dark
ages when you couldn't come out of the closet, lest you be persecuted
because of
your, you know.
DAN
No, I don't.
KRISTIN
Are you Danny Tartabull?
DAN
No, I'm not.
George is parked at a gas station, he steps out of the car and
slams the door.
GEORGE
I'll take care of this, Danny.
George approaches the man he's been following, who's now pumping
gas.
GEORGE
Excuse me.
MAN
What's the problem?
GEORGE
I believe you cut me off, and then made
an obscene gesture.
MAN
I did? Where?
GEORGE
Outside of Manhattan, about an hour
ago.
MAN
Wow! Is that Danny Tartabull?
GEORGE
That's right, of the New York Yankees.
MAN
I'd like to shake his hand but I can't.
The man holds up his arm, it's in a cast with his middle finger
sticking
straight up.
Jerry is doing his bit for PBS.
JERRY
I'm Jerry Seinfeld, I tell jokes for
a living, but there's no joking
about the financial crisis here at PBS. Our lines are open, so
please call the
number you see on your screen.
Cut to Nana, watching the pledge drive. She picks up the phone
and dials.
Cut back to Jerry,
JERRY
This is the only time this year we'll
be asking for donations. You've
been enjoying Ken Burns' Baseball-
Cut to Kramer sitting at the phone bank, his phone rings.
KRAMER
PBS pledge drive.
NANA
Hello, I'd like to speak with Jerry.
KRAMER
Oh, you again. Buddy, look, forget about
Jerry. It's not gonna
happen.
NANA
This is his grandmother.
KRAMER
Oh, uh, Nana. Hello.
NANA
Tell Jerry I'm sorry, I'm going to have
to write him some new checks.
KRAMER
As long as you've got your checkbook
out, how about forking a little
over to PBS? You watch the station, don't you? You don't want
to be a
freeloader.
Cut back to Jerry.
JERRY
-programs like Ken Burns' Baseball.
And if Danny Tartabull were here,
I'm sure he'd say, 'That's correct, Jerry.'
Kramer rises in the background.
KRAMER
Jerry? I have an announcement. Your
grandmother is on the line.
JERRY
My Nana?
KRAMER
And as we speak, she's generously writing
PBS a check for fifteen
hundred dollars!
Everybody applauds as Uncle Leo comes out from sidestage.
UNCLE LEO
She can't do that, she's on a very fixed
income! Stop the show!!
Jerry and Elaine are at the coffee shop.
JERRY
I got another card from Kristin. Not
quite as chipper as the first one.
ELAINE
Wow. Isn't this little bunny giving
you the-
JERRY
Yes, he is.
ELAINE
You should show this to Georgie.
Yeah.
WAITRESS
Here's your knife and fork.
JERRY
Look, she's cutting up an Almond Joy.
ELAINE
I just don't get it.
JERRY
You know, I saw someone on the street
eating M&Ms with a spoon.
ELAINE
What is wrong with everybody?
JERRY
Look, they're doing it. They're all
doing it!
ELAINE
What is wrong with all you people?!
Have you all gone mad?!!
THE END
|
