THE PUFFY SHIRT
Written by
Larry David
(Jerry's apartment)
(Jerry and George are waiting for Kramer, so he can help them
move George's stuff back into his parent's house)
GEORGE
I can't believe this!
JERRY
Oh, it won't be for that long.
GEORGE
How can I do this?! How can I move back
in with those people? Please, tell me!
They're insane! You know that.
JERRY
Hey, my parents are just as crazy as
your parents.
GEORGE
How can you compare you parents to my
parents?!
JERRY
My father has never thrown anything
out. Ever!
GEORGE
My father wears his sneakers in the
pool! Sneakers!
JERRY
My mother has never set foot in a natural
body of water.
GEORGE
(Showing Jerry up) Listen carefully.
My mother has never laughed. Ever. Not
a giggle, not a chuckle, not a tee-hee..
never went 'Ha!'
JERRY
A smirk?
GEORGE
Maybe!.. And I'm moving back in there!
JERRY
I told you I'd lend you the money for
the rent.
GEORGE
No, no, no, no. Borrowing money from
a friend is like having sex. It just
completely changes the relationship.
(Kramer stumbles in)
KRAMER
Alright. I'm ready. (To George) You
know, I still don't understand - why
do you want to move back in with your
parents?
GEORGE
I don't want to! I'm outta money! I
got 714 dollars left in the bank.
KRAMER
Well, move in here.
JERRY
(Stopping the notion) What's that?
KRAMER
Why doesn't he just move in here?
GEORGE
(Sarcastic) Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna move
in with him. He doesn't even let you
use the toilet!
KRAMER
You can move in with me, if you want.
GEORGE
(Sincerely) Thank you.. I, uh.. that
might not work out.
(Scene ends)
(The Costanza's house)
(Jerry, George, and Kramer enter carrying George's luggage. Kramer
clumsily bangs the wall with one of the suitcases)
ESTELLE
Careful! Careful with the suitcases!
We just painted!
KRAMER
Hello, Mrs. Costanza.
ESTELLE
Hello, Kramer. Close the door.
(They set down George's luggage)
KRAMER
Well, I gotta bring in more stuff. (Heads
for the door)
ESTELLE
More stuff?!
KRAMER
Yeah. (Exits)
ESTELLE
(To George) How much is there?!
GEORGE
(Annoyed) There's more.
ESTELLE
So, how are ya, Jerry?
JERRY
Fine, Mrs. Costanza. (Attempts to get
Estelle to laugh) Hey, I got a terrific
joke for you..
ESTELLE
(Sits down on the couch) Nah, not interested.
JERRY
No, no. It's really funny. There's these
two guys-
ESTELLE
(Interrupting) Tell it to the audience.
(George gives Jerry an 'I told you so'
look) Here, (Picks up a plate full of
sandwiches) I made some bologna
sandwiches.
GEORGE
Bologna?! No one eats bologna anymore!
ESTELLE
What are you talking about?! Have a
sandwich.
JERRY
No thanks.
(Kramer enters with some more suitcases)
ESTELLE
Oh, stop it! You don't want one, Kramer?
KRAMER
Uhh.. no thanks. (Goes back out the
door)
ESTELLE
I think you're all a little touched
in the head. (Puts the plate down) You're
so worried about your health.. You're
young men.
JERRY
I really don't eat it.
ESTELLE
What am I gonna do with all these sandwiches?!
Will you take them home? Give them to
someone in your building?
JERRY
I don't know if I'd feel comfortable
handing out bologna sandwiches in the
building..
KRAMER
(Enters with a box) Alright, that's
it. Anything else?
GEORGE
(Muttering) No, that's it.
(A horn honks from outside the house)
KRAMER
Oh, I gotta go move the car. (Leaves)
JERRY
Well, I guess we'll be going.. (Heads
for the door)
GEORGE
(Runs over to him, not wanting him to
leave) What? You're going?
JERRY
Yeah.
GEORGE
Wha - what are you doing later?
JERRY
Oh, Elaine and I are going out to dinner
with Kramer and his new girlfriend.
GEORGE
Really?
JERRY
Yeah, You can't believe this woman.
She's one of those low-talkers. You
can't hear a word she's saying! You're
always going 'excuse me?', 'what was
that?'
GEORGE
Yeah.. may - maybe I'll meet ya?
ESTELLE
No, George. We're going out to eat tonight
with your father.
GEORGE
(Mutters) Oh.. okay.. talk to you later.
JERRY
Yeah, take it easy. (Leaves)
(George watches his mother sitting contentedly on the couch.
She's staring off into space)
GEORGE
Oh, my God.. (Buries his face into his
hands)
(Scene ends)
(A Restaurant)
(Jerry, Elaine, Kramer, and Leslie are all laughing)
ELAINE
Okay, well, he had this idea of a pizza
place where you make your own pie! (Laughs)
JERRY
Right.
ELIANE
You remember that?
KRAMER
Yeah, well, that was a good one.
JERRY
Well..
(Kramer's girlfriend starts to mumble out some words, but Kramer's
the only one who seems to hear her. Jerry and Elaine both bend
forward, trying to hear what
she's saying)
ELAINE
What's that?
JERRY
Excuse me?
(She 'talks' some more. Jerry and Elaine still can't hear her.
They give up - leaning back in their seats)
JERRY
Yeah.. yeah.
ELAINE
Yep. Yeah..
KRAMER
You know that, uh, Leslie (Points to
her) is in the clothing business? She's
a designer.
ELAINE
(Interested) Oh?
KRAMER
In fact, she's come up with a new one
that is going to be the big new look
in mens fashions.. It's a, a puffy shirt.
(Leslie mumbles to Kramer) Well, yeah,
it - it's all puffy. Like the pirates used to wear.
ELAINE
Oh, a puffy shirt.
JERRY
Puffy.
KRAMER
Yeah, see, I think people want to look
like pirates. You know, it's the right
time for it.. to be all puffy, and devil-may-care..
(Leslie starts 'talking', Kramer laughs. Jerry and Elaine have
no clue what she's saying. They lean closer)
KRAMER
(Still laughing) That's true.. (Gets
up) I'll be right back. (Walks off laughing.
Jerry and Elaine are left with the low-talker.
A moment passes)
ELAINE
Uh, oh! (Remembers something they could
talk about) Jerry's going to be on the
"Today" show on Friday.
JERRY
Yeah, that's right!
ELAINE
Yep.. yep. Um, he's promoting a benefit
for Goodwill, you know, they, uh, they
clothe the poor, and the homeless..
JERRY
(Points at Elaine) And the indigent.
ELAINE
And the indigent, yeah.. I, I do volunteer
work for them. I set the whole thing
up, and I got Jerry to do it.
(Leslie starts talking. Of course, Jerry and Elaine can't hear
her voice)
JERRY
Sure.
ELAINE
Ohh, yeah. Yeah.. yep.
(Leslie talks some more)
JERRY
Uh-huh.
ELAINE
Yep.
JERRY
Yep..
ELAINE
Mmm
(Scene ends)
(A Restaurant)
ESTELLE
Maybe you should take a civil service
test.
GEORGE
(Studying the salt shaker) I'm not taking
a civil service test.
FRANK
Look at this, George. (Takes a coin
out of his pocket) You ever seen a silver
dollar?
GEORGE
Yes, I've seen a silver dollar.
ELAINE
Why don't you want to take a civil service
test?
GEORGE
To do what?! Work in a post office?
Is that what you want me to do?
FRANK
Would you believe when I was 18, I had
a silver dollar collection?
ESTELLE
I don't understand. You get job security
- you get a pay check every week..
GEORGE
I'm a college graduate. You want me
to be a mailman?
FRANK
(Still looking at his coin) You know,
I couldn't bring myself to spend one
of these. I got some kind of a-a-a-a-a
phobia.
ESTELLE
So what are you gonna do?!
GEORGE
I don't know. I do know that I have
some kind of a talent - something to
offer. I just don't know what it is
yet!
FRANK
I bet that collection would be worth
a lot of money today.
GEORGE
(Looks fed up with his parents) Oh my
God..
FRANK
I don't like this waiter. (Holds up
his hand to get the waiters attention
- starts snapping) Look at him.. He
sees us.. he doesn't want to come over.
GEORGE
(Needing to get away from his parents,
he gets up) I need some air..
ESTELLE
George, where are you going?!
GEORGE
(Walks off) I got a lot of thinking
to do.
(Scene cuts to the front of the restaurant. George accidentally
runs into a woman - causing her to drop her purse. Items spill
out onto the floor)
GEORGE
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm terribly sorry..
(Bends down, and starts picking up her
things)
WOMAN
Look at what you've done! You spilled
my bag!
GEORGE
(Stuttering) I, I, I, .. here, let me
- let me help you..
WOMAN
No, no ,no. It's all right. (Begins
helping him pick her things up)
GEORGE
It - it's just that I'm here with my
parents, and my mother wants me to take
a civil service test - and to tell you
the truth, I don't even think I'd pass
it.. So..
(George hands the last of the items to her, she takes them from
him, then starts to admire his hand)
WOMAN
Hmm..
GEORGE
What?
WOMAN
(Looking at both his hands intensely)
Your hands.
GEORGE
What about them?
WOMAN
They're quite exquisite!
GEORGE
They are?
WOMAN
(Mesmerized) Extraordinary! Have you
ever done any hand modeling?
GEORGE
Hand modeling? (Shakes his head 'No')
WOMAN
(Fishes a card out of her purse, then
hands it to George) Here's my card.
Why don't you, uh, give me a call? (Walks
off)
(Scene ends)
(Jerry's apartment)
(George is holding up his hands for Jerry to see)
JERRY
(Shrugs) I - I don't get it.
GEORGE
Me neither!
JERRY
What is it?
GEORGE
I don't know.
JERRY
They're hands!
GEORGE
This woman just set me up for a job!
JERRY
(Gets up, and displays his own hands)
Well, what about my hands? I don't see
how your hands are any better than my
hands.
GEORGE
What, are you kidding? (Points at the
flaws of Jerry's hands) The knuckles
are all out of proportion. you got hair
over there - where do you get off
comparing your hands to my hands?! This is a one-in-a-million
hand. (Points to his own hand)
JERRY
Well, that's what comes from avoiding
manual labor your whole life.
GEORGE
This is it! It happened to me, Jerry!
I was sitting in the restaurant, the
two nut jobs were talking - I couldn't
take it any more. I got up, and (Makes
a
noise) I bop into this woman..
(Enter Kramer)
KRAMER
Hey. (He's carrying a suit cover. He
hangs it on Jerry's coat hooks)
JERRY
Hey.
KRAMER
Hey, George! (Holds out his hand. George
shakes it - a hand buzzer goes off.
George starts freaking out. Kramer laughs)
GEORGE
What are you, crazy?! What are you,
crazy?!
KRAMER
What?!
GEORGE
You coulda damaged my hand!
KRAMER
(Laughing) But, it's only a toy!
JERRY
(Explaining) George has become a hand
model.
KRAMER
A hand model?
JERRY
Yes.
KRAMER
(To George) Really? Let me look at them..
GEORGE
(Defensively) You can look at them,
but do NOT touch them. (Holds them out.
Kramer studies them)
KRAMER
Let's see.. oh, those are nice. You
know, I've never noticed this before?
They're smooth.. creamy.. delicate,
yet (Turns to Jerry) masculine.
GEORGE
(Takes two oven mitts from his back
pack) Alright, (puts them on) I gotta
get going.
JERRY
Oven mitts?
GEORGE
(Embarrassed) That's all I could find.
(A moment passes) Would you mind getting
the door?
KRAMER
Yeah..
JERRY
Alright. (Jerry opens the door for George)
GEORGE
Thank you very much. (Walks out)
(Jerry shuts the door, then starts going through his mail)
KRAMER
You're not going to believe what happening
with Leslie. You know, ever since you
agreed to wear the puffy shirt on the
Today show, she's been getting
all these orders from boutiques and department stores..
JERRY
Uh-huh.. (Finally realizes what Kramer
said, he looks up) Since I said what?
KRAMER
Agreed to wear the puffy shirt. (Starts
unzipping the suit cover)
JERRY
What are you talking about?
KRAMER
When you said that you'd agree to wear
the puffy shirt on the Today show. (Takes
the ridiculous puffy shirt out of the
cover)
JERRY
(Goes up to it) This?
KRAMER
Yes!
JERRY
I agreed to wear this?!
KRAMER
Yeah, yeah.
JERRY
But, when did I do that?
KRAMER
When we went to dinner the other night.
JERRY
What are you, crazy?!
KRAMER
What were you talking about when I went
to the bathroom?
JERRY
I don't know! I couldn't understand
a word she was saying! I was just nodding!
KRAMER
There you go.
JERRY
Where I go? You mean she was asking
me to wear this ridiculous shirt on
national TV, and I said 'Yes'?!
KRAMER
Yes, yes! You said it!
JERRY
But, I - I didn't know what she was
talking about. I couldn't hear her!
KRAMER
(Takes it off the hook, and starts walking
toward Jerry with it. He backs defensively
backs away from it) Well, she asked
you.
JERRY
I - I can't wear this puffy shirt on
TV! I mean, look at it! It looks ridiculous!
KRAMER
Well, you gotta wear it now! All those
stores are stocking it based on the
condition that you're gonna wear this
on the TV show! The factory in New
Jersey is already makin' them!
JERRY
They're making these?!
KRAMER
Yes, yes. This pirate trend that she's
come up with, Jerry, - this is gonna
be the new look for the 90's. You're
gonna be the first pirate!
JERRY
(Like a little kid) But, I don't want
to be a pirate!
(Scene ends)
(The Costanza house)
(George is giving himself a manicure over a tray. He's carefully
primping his fingernails)
ESTELLE
I knew it. I knew it.. I always knew
you always had beautiful hands. I used
to tell people. Frank, didn't I use
to talk about his hands?
FRANK
(Looking up from his paper) Who the
hell did'ya ever mention his hands to?
ESTELLE
(Getting annoyed) I mentioned his hands
to plenty of people!
FRANK
You never mentioned them to me!
GEORGE
(Snaps, then points to the coffee table)
Hand me an Emory board.
(Estelle hands an Emory board to George. He takes it, then goes
back to his manicure)
ESTELLE
I always talk about your hands - how
they're so soft and milky white..
FRANK
No! You never said milky white!
ESTELLE
(Getting angry) I said milky white!
(A moment passes as George fights to keep his temper down around
his parents)
GEORGE
(To Estelle) Scissor. (She gets the
scissors from the coffee table and hands
them to George) Don't hand them to me
with the point facing out!
(Estelle, visibly nervous, reacts, flipping the scissors around)
ESTELLE
I'm sorry.
GEORGE
You're sorry?!
ESTELLE
(Apologizing) I'll try to be more careful.
GEORGE
(Stern, angered) I hope so. (Takes the
scissors)
(Another moment passes as George primps his hands)
ESTELLE
Georgie.. (Nudges George's arm, disrupting
his work) Georgie, would you like some
Jell-O?
FRANK
(To Estelle, referring to the Jell-O)
Why'd you put the bananas in there?!
ESTELLE
(Yelling) George likes the bananas!
FRANK
(Trying to match her tone) So let him
have bananas on the side!
(George stands up with the manicure tray. He's obviously had
enough)
GEORGE
Alright! Please, please! I cannot have
this constant bickering!.. Stress is
very damaging to the epidermis! Now,
I have an important photo session in
the
morning - my hands have got to be in tip-top shape, so please
- keep the television down, and the conversation to a minimum.
ESTELLE
(Meek) But Georgie.. what about the
Jell-O?
GEORGE
(Definite) I'll take it in my room.
(Walks off)
(Scene ends)
(A Today Show dressing room)
(Jerry's in a back room, getting dressed while Kramer's thumbing
through a magazine. There's a knock at the door)
KRAMER
Yeah, come in.
(A Today Show stagehand enters)
STAGEHAND
I just wanted to let you know he's got
about five minutes.
KRAMER
Giddy-Up. (Stagehand leaves) Jerry!
Five minutes!
(Jerry walks out from the back room wearing the 'puffy' shirt.
He has the expression of extreme resentment)
KRAMER
Now that's a great looking shirt! (Gets
up, admiring the shirt) Ayye Captain!
(Growls like a pirate) Yeah! I'm glad
I ironed it. It's perfect. (Walks around
Jerry, inspecting the shirt) Look at it! It's fantastic!
JERRY
(Resisting) Kramer, how am I gonna wear
this?! I can't wear this!
KRAMER
(Reassuring) Hey, this look's better
than anything you own. You know, in
two months time, everybody's gonna be
wearing the (imitates a pirate) pirate
look. Aye!
(A knock at the door, Kramer answers it - it's Elaine)
KRAMER
Yeah.
ELAINE
Hi, Kramer. Guess what - I just saw
Bryant Gumbel, he said he might help
out at the benefit!
KRAMER
Great.
(Elaine stops in her tracks when she sees Jerry in the shirt.
Then, bursts out laughing hysterically)
ELAINE
(Between laughs) What is that?!
KRAMER
It's the puffy shirt. Look at it, eh?
Whatd'ya think? Is it cool or what?
ELAINE
(To Jerry) Why're you wearing that now?
JERRY
(Obviously mad at the situation he's
in) 'Why am I wearing is now?'? I'll
tell you why I'm wearing it now - because
the lowtalker asked me to, that's why!
And I said 'yes'. Do you know why? Because I couldn't HEAR her!
ELAINE
When did she, (Snickers) when did she
ask you this?
JERRY
When we were at dinner, when Kramer
went to the bathroom.
ELAINE
I didn't hear anything.
JERRY
(Yelling out) Of course not! Nobody
hears anything when this woman speaks!
ELAINE
(Just now making the matter serious)
Well, you can't wear that on the show.
KRAMER
(To Elaine, muffled, low, and threatening)
Elaine, you want to stop?
ELAINE
(Turning around to Kramer) Wha- What?
No. (Back to Jerry) Jerry, you are promoting
a benefit to CLOTHE homeless people.
You can't come out
dressed like that! You're all puffed up!.. You look like the
Count of Monte Cristo!
JERRY
(Arms out, complaining) I have to wear
it! The woman has orders for this shirt
based on me wearing it on TV.. they're
producing them as we speak!
ELAINE
(Arguing) Yeah, but you're supposed
to be a compassionate person! That cares
about poor people! You look like you're
gonna.. swing in on a
chandelier!
(A knock at the door, Jerry answers)
STAGEHAND
(Looking down at a clipboard, enters)
Okay, let's go. (Looks up, points at
Jerry's puffy shirt) Is that what you're
wearing?
(Scene ends)
(A photographer's studio)
(George is holding out his hands while a man and woman marvel
at them. A photographer is fooling around with a camera towards
the right wall)
MAN
I've never seen hands like these before..
WOMAN
They're so soft and milky white.
PHOTOGRAPHER
You know who's hands they remind me
of? (Pauses for effect) Ray McKigney.
(The woman nods as the man looks off into space)
MAN
Ugh.. Ray.
PHOTOGRAPHER
He was it.
GEORGE
Who was he?
PHOTOGRAPHER
The most exquisite hands you've ever
seen.. Oh, he had it all.
GEORGE
(Hands still out, even though they've
stopped looking at them) What happened
to him?
(Obviously a touchy subject, the woman coyly walks over to the
photographer, and they both occupy themselves. The man is left
to tell George the answer to his
question)
MAN
(Clears throat) Tragic story, I'm afraid.
He could've had any woman in the world..
but none could match the beauty of his
own hand.. and that became his
one true love..
(Long pause)
GEORGE
You mean, uh..?
MAN
Yes. he was not.. master of his domain.
GEORGE
(Makes a gesture saying he understands.
The man nods) But how.. uh..?
MAN
(Quick, to the point) The muscles..
became so strained with.. overuse, that
eventually the hand locked into a deformed
position, and he was left with nothing
but a claw. (Holds hand up, displaying a claw-like shape) He
traveled the world seeking a cure.. acupuncturists.. herbalists..
swamis.. nothing helped. Towards the
end, his hands became so frozen the was unable to manipulate
utensils, (Visibly disgusted by this last part) and was dependent
on Cub Scouts to feed him. I hadn't
seen another pair of hands like Ray McKigney's.. until today.
You are his successor. (George looks down at his hands) I.. only
hope you have a little more
self-control.
GEORGE
(Smiling to himself) You don't have
to worry about me. (Nodding, gloating)
I won a contest.
(The man nods, unsure of what to say or do)
PHOTOGRAPHER
Ok, let's get to work.
(Scene ends)
(The Today Show)
(Jerry's in the guest chair, and Bryant Gumbel's in the interviewer's
spot. Jerry, visibly, does not want to be there)
BRYANT
(Talking directly to the camera) Back
now, 7:46. On Tuesday the 19th here
in New York there will be a benefit
for the Goodwill Industries - a used
clothing organization that provides service to the needy. One
of the performers will be comedian Jerry Seinfeld. (Turns to
face Jerry) Jerry, good morning.
JERRY
(Mumbling out) Thank you, Bryant.
BRYANT
(Pointing out) And speaking of clothing
, that is a very, very unusual shirt
you have on.
JERRY
(Looking down at the shirt) Oh, thank
you.
(Backstage, Kramer's standing with his girlfriend. She's brimming
with pride)
BRYANT
You're all kinda, (Waves his hands around)
all kinda "puffed up". (Chuckles)
JERRY
Yeah, it's a puffy shirt.
THE END
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