THE RAINCOATS PART 1
Written by
Tom Gammill, Max Pross, Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld
(Comedy club)
JERRY
I really feel as human beings, we need
more training in our basic social skills.
Conversational Distance, don't you hate
these people that talk to you they talk
into your mouth like you're a clown
at a drive-through and Hand shakes is
the worst, there's absolutely no guidelines
for hand shakes you know these people?
Too long, too weak, sometimes they give
you the three-quarter handshake just
the fingers, early release, late release,
sometimes people will dispute your release,
you let go there're hangin' on. I have
actually said to people 'Hey the handshake
is over!.' Too many pumps, coming in
too high, too sweaty, coming from too
far away. Sometimes a guy will give
you a strong grip, late release, and
pull you in for the too close conversation.
To him I say 'That's three strikes you're
out.'
(Monk's)
(George and Jerry at the usual booth)
JERRY
You know their timing couldn't be worse.
GEORGE
Is there ever a good time to have your
parents stay with you?
JERRY
You don't understand, I haven't been
together with Rachel for like three
weeks. First I was on the road, then
my parents show up, I'm getting a little
uh backed up.
GEORGE
When are they leaving for Paris?
JERRY
Not for another three days.
GEORGE
What about her place?
JERRY
She lives with her parents.
GEORGE
Really? (Jerry shakes his head) Maybe
this will become like a cool thing,
living with your parents.
JERRY
(sarcastically)Ya, then maybe baldness
will catch on. This will all be turning
your way.
GEORGE
Hey believe me, baldness will catch
on. When the aliens come, who do you
think they're gonna relate to? Who do
you think is going to be the first ones
getting a tour of the ship?
JERRY
The baldies
GEORGE
Hey by the way my parents really want
to have your parents over dinner before
they leave town.
JERRY
That's good, then I get the apartment
for at least one night. You know I'm
paying for this whole Paris trip it's
their anniversary present.
(Alec and Joey enter)
ALEC
(walking over to Jerry and George's
table) Hey guys.
GEORGE
Hey Alec
JERRY
Hey Alec
ALEC
This is Joey.
GEORGE
Hey Joey, how you doin'?
ALEC
(Joey was about to talk) Hey listen,
I was wondering if either one of you
guys would be interested in doing some
work for the Big Brother program? I'm
kinda running the local chapter. What
do you say George?
GEORGE
Well uh....
JOEY
(interrupts) Wouldn't you like to be
a big brother to someone like me? Please?
GEORGE
Well, sure Joey, sure, I would be thrilled.
ALEC
That's great George, thanks a lot I'll
get in touch with you.
JOEY
Wouldn't you like to be a big brother..
ALEC
(grabs Joey to stop him) Ya alright
Joey that's enough, let's go (walking
over to the counter) See ya.
JERRY
What happened?
GEORGE
What could I do? Did you see the mug
on that kid?
JERRY
(acting like Joey) Wouldn't you like
to pass the ketchup to someone like
me? Please?
(Street)
(Jerry and George walking down the sidewalk.)
JERRY
Hey did you notice they moved where
they do the interview on Jeopardy now?
GEORGE
Ya it used to be right in the middle
of single Jeopardy and now they do it
right after single Jeopardy.
JERRY
Ya, it's much better isn't it?
GEORGE
Oh, n-no comparison.
JERRY
Hey, I gotta stop off at the bookstore
to pick up my parents one of those French-English
dictionaries.
GEORGE
(stops Jerry realizing something) Hey
hey hey hey hey hey.
JERRY
What?
GEORGE
Your parents are going to Paris right?
JERRY
Yea?
GEORGE
So I tell Alec that I have to goto Paris
for an undetermined amount of time.
Then all I have to do is buy some post
cards and have your parents mail them
from Paris.
JERRY
What about little Joey?
GEORGE
Who?
JERRY
Ah, I think he's probably better off.
(Jerry's Apartment)
(Morty and Helen are sitting at Jerry's Table; Jerry and George
are standing by them)
GEORGE
I'm trying to get out of this Big Brother
program. So when you get to Paris (handing
Morty the postcards) all you have to
do is drop 'em in any mailbox.
MORTY
But there are no stamps on these.
GEORGE
Well no not yet, you gotta buy french
stamps (pauses) I-I'll reimburse you
of course.
HELEN
Why are you doing this?
JERRY
He wants this guy to think he's in Paris.
HELEN
Why?
JERRY
Because George is a deeply disturbed
individual.
(Kramer enters)
KRAMER
Oh hey, Helen uh, Could I uh, use some
more of your hand lotion?
HELEN
I told you it was good. (hands Kramer
the lotion)
KRAMER
(putting on the lotion) Ya
HELEN
It's from the Sachs Fifth Avenue in
Miami.
KRAMER
Mmm (smelling the lotion as he rubs
it in) I'm gonna remember that if I'm
ever in Florida.
JERRY
Ya, or if you're ever on Fifth Avenue
here in New York City, you could get
some there.
KRAMER
Ya
MORTY
Say those are some nice pants. I got
a pair just like them at home.
KRAMER
Well uh that doesn't surprise me, ya
i bought these at Rudy's. It's a used
clothing store. See when people like
you die, the widows they bring in their
wardrobes, they make a bundle.
GEORGE
Really? My father has a ton of old clothes
just sitting up in the attic, y-you
think they're worth something?
KRAMER
Ya if they're vintage, and you're a
widow.
GEORGE
What happens if the husband dies after
the wife, who brings in the clothing
in then?
KRAMER
Well I suppose the children do.
GEORGE
(pondering) Yes I suppose they do.
KRAMER
(takes another smell of his hands) Alright
I gotta a ten o'clock, I'll see everybody
later.
(Kramer goes to turn the door nob and falls straight to the floor
slipping off the nob, then continues to try to open the door
with no one really watching; He then uses his coat to get a grip
and then smiles and exits)
GEORGE
(grabbing his jacket) Hey oo, I just
remembered uh my parents really wanna
have you guys over for dinner before
you leave town. What about tonight?
(Morty and Helen look at each other)
HELEN
Tonight?
GEORGE
Yea they're making Payaya.
HELEN
(looking at Morty) Uh oh I don't think
we think we can make it tonight, (turns
toward George) we have plans.
JERRY
(watching the whole conversation from
his desk) What plans?
HELEN
(turns to Jerry) We have plans.
JERRY
Where'd you get plans?
HELEN
(annoyed) We have plans.
GEORGE
Well um, what about tomorrow night?
HELEN
(turns back toward George) Maybe
GEORGE
Ok uh, I guess I'll tell them that.
MORTY
(to George as he is about to leave)
Hey give 'em our best though.
GEORGE
(quietly) Ya.
JERRY
(walking over toward George and the
door) I'll call you later.
GEORGE
Ya.
(George tries to open the door hand slips then he exits; Jerry
makes sure the door is closed)
JERRY
So what plans do you have?
MORTY
None
JERRY
So how come you're not going over there
for dinner?
HELEN
Jerry we don't care much for the Costanzas'.
MORTY
We can't stand them.
JERRY
Really? Since when?
HELEN
Since always. We've never liked them.
JERRY
Why?
HELEN
Well they're so loud, they're always
fighting it's uncomfortable, you never
notice?
JERRY
No I notice but they're from your age
group I didn't know you could detect
abnormal behavior among your own kind.
MORTY
Well we do.
(Buzzer; Jerry goes over to answer it)
JERRY
Ya?
(Elaine and Aaron are heard laughing on the Intercom)
ELAINE
It's us.
JERRY
U-oh come on up. (buzzes them up) It's
Elaine you don't have a problem with
her do you?
HELEN
We adore Elaine.
JERRY
She wants to say hi, she's with her
new boyfriend.
HELEN
What's he like?
JERRY
He's nice, bit of a close talker.
HELEN
A what?
JERRY
You'll see. (pause) Boy, I had no idea
you felt this way about the Costanzas'
HELEN
They're exhausting it's like being in
an Asylum.
(Elaine and Aaron enter)
EVERYONE
Hi.
MORTY
Hello Elaine
(Morty and Helen give Elaine a hug)
ELAINE
This is Aaron.
HELEN
Hello Aaron
MORTY
Hello.
AARON
(getting up in Helen's face) So how
long you folks in town?
HELEN
Oh, three more days, three more days
then we're off to Paris.
AARON
Ah
MORTY
We're going with a select charter group.
AARON
I love France, (moving over to Morty's
face) I was just there last year. In
fact, you know I still have an envelope
full of French Franks, I'll give 'em
to ya.
HELEN
We can't take money.
AARON
Oh, no, it's a gift. (looking toward
Elaine) from us.
ELAINE
Oh, that is soo nice (very elaborate
nice) Aaron. Isn't he nice? (to Helen)
So listen has Jerry been showin' you
a good time?
JERRY
No I haven't.
AARON
You know (to Morty) I have a friend
who works at the Metropolitan Museum
of Art. How would you like a behind
the scenes tour?
HELEN
(grabbing Aaron) Really, you could do
that?
AARON
(up in Helen's face) Easily
HELEN
I wouldn't be any trouble?
AARON
(gets closer) Of course not.
HELEN
When would we go?
AARON
How about right now?
MORTY
I'm ready
HELEN
Are you sure?
AARON
Yes.
HELEN
Ok, let me get my coat.
(Helen goes to get her coat)
AARON
(walking over to Elaine and getting
into her face) Elaine what do you say?
ELAINE
W-well I don't think so Aaron, uh, I
have plans.
AARON
Oh. (getting into Jerry's face) How
about you Jerry?
JERRY
I'm swamped.
AARON
You sure? You could examine the art
work up close.
JERRY
Maybe I'll try and catch up with you.
ELAINE
(under her breath) Ya that'll happen)
AARON
(Moving toward the door) Alright. We're
off.
(Aaron, Helen and Morty heading out the door)
MORTY
Ok, bye.
HELEN & AARON
Bye.
JERRY
Ok buh bye. Have a good time.
ELAINE
Bye.
AARON
See everybody later (Morty and Helen
leave; Aaron closes the door blowing
Elaine a kiss)
JERRY
Ok.
ELAINE
Why would he ask your parents to go
to a museum?
JERRY
I don't know.
ELAINE
What is that?
JERRY
Maybe he was just trying to be nice.
ELAINE
Have you ever heard of anyone doing
anything like this?
JERRY
Wait a second, he just did me a big
favor.
(Jerry walks over to the couch sits down and picks up the phone)
ELAINE
What?
JERRY
(dialing) He got em out of the house.
ELAINE
What?
JERRY
Call Rachel.
ELAINE
Oh.
JERRY
(on the phone) ah no, I got the machine.
Rachel! Are you there?! I got the place
to myself for a few hours! Rachel! Where
are you? Rachel! (hangs up the phone
very disappointed)
ELAINE
(putting on lipstick) Sorry pal, wish
I could help you out.
(Elaine kisses at Jerry; Jerry looks at her in disgust)
(Costanza House)
FRANK
They're not coming?
GEORGE
No, they had plans.
ESTELLE
How could they have plans?
GEORGE
That's what I wanna know.
FRANK
Well what difference does it make? They
wouldn't lie to us, they're are dear
friends.
ESTELLE
What am I supposed to do with all this
Paella?
GEORGE
They said tomorrow, maybe.
FRANK
Maybe?
ESTELLE
Maybe they don't like us.
FRANK
Why wouldn't they like us? (tastes the
Paella; disgusted) Again with the pepper?
What do you gotta use all the pepper
for?
ESTELLE
Ah keep quiet.
FRANK
What are you trying to set my mouth
on fire?
GEORGE
I don't know what the reason could be.
(Jerry's Apartment)
(Morty, Helen and Aaron enter)
JERRY
(disappointed) Oh, Hi, hi.
AARON
Ah Jerry you would not believe the time
we had.
HELEN
Aaron is quite the tour guide.
MORTY
Jerry have you ever seen any of those
impressionist paintings?
JERRY
Oh sure like Monet.
MORTY
Don't you think he had to be uh near
sighted? I mean nobody would paint like
that if they could see. It's all out
of focus.
JERRY
Well he's from the impressionist school,
you know like Monet, Manet, Tippi Tippi
Dayday.
MORTY
I say the guy was painting without his
glasses.
(phone rings)
JERRY
(answering phone) Hello? Rachel, ya
uh no they're back.
HELEN
Jerry if you have something to do we
could just sit right here and read.
JERRY
Uh haha ya well uh I'm sorry too I'll
call you later, ok bye (hangs phone
up)
AARON
Well I should be going.
HELEN
Oh thanks again.
AARON & HELEN
Buh bye.
(Kramer enters)
AARON
Oh you must be Kramer (advances on Kramer
to close to his face Kramer walks back
into the fridge to avoid him and falls
to the ground) I've heard about you.
KRAMER
You must be Aaron, I've heard about
you.
AARON
(Laughing) Well see you later.
KRAMER
Yeah.
AARON
(leaving) Bye
JERRY
Bye
KRAMER
So uh what are you guys doing for dinner?
HELEN
We have no plans.
MORTY
(noticing Kramer's coat) Look at that,
Helen do you see what he's wearing?
That's the Executive.
KRAMER
Now what is Executive?
JERRY
The belt-less trench coat. My father
invented it.
MORTY
I sure did. Raincoats were my business.
The Executive was a classic, these haven't
been made in twenty years.
HELEN
Why would they? Nobody bought them then.
MORTY
He's wearing one.
KRAMER
Yea these are a hot item over at Rudy's.
MORTY
You don't say? You know I have boxes
of those sitting in my garage in Florida?
KRAMER
Get 'em up here. You give me twenty-five
percent I-I'll take care of everything.
MORTY
You gotta deal.
(Kramer and Morty shake hands)
KRAMER
Yaaaa.
JERRY
This is like the meeting of Smith and
Wesson.
MORTY
I'll call Jack Klompus, he's got a key
to the garage. He can send them overnight
delivery.
HELEN
You're gonna first start shipping boxes?
We're leaving for Paris in three days.
MORTY
He'll send them express.
HELEN
You're crazy.
MORTY
I'll tell you how crazy I am, I'm gonna
pay for this whole trip with these coats.
JERRY
N-na I'm paying for the trip.
MORTY
So much the better.
(Monk's)
(George and Alec are sitting at the booth closest to the door)
GEORGE
Anyway it's kind of a fluke thing but
uh I'll be leaving for Paris in two
days. I will send you a postcard when
I get there.
ALEC
Paris huh?
GEORGE
Yea, ya..ya know I feel terrible about
Joey but it's jus..it's a great business
opportunity. I-I don't even know how
long I'm gonna be away for.
ALEC
Where will you stay?
GEORGE
An apartment complex, the uh the Eiffel
Towers. uumm Like I said uh you'll be
getting a postcard uh in a few days
and again I'm sorry.
ALEC
George, you have no idea how fantastic
this is.
GEORGE
Fantastic?
ALEC
Ya, we've been trying to reunite Joey
with his father who lives in Paris.
But he's afraid to fly alone, you know
he's kinda withdrawn, but he seems to
take to you. (George smiling in surprise)
So it's a perfect solution.
GEORGE
How gee what a coincidence.
ALEC
And you'll send me a postcard.
(Elaine's Apartment)
(Elaine and Aaron lying in bed)
AARON
Helen really seemed to respond to Renoir.
I think she really connected to the
way he painted children.
ELAINE
Mm hmm.
AARON
And that Morty, I'll tell ya that guy
is full of life. (laughs) He was convinced
Monet was near sighted. I kept telling
him
ELAINE
Aaron
AARON
Yes?
ELAINE
Uh, let me ask you a question. How come
you asked Mr. and Mrs. Seinfeld to go
to the museum with you?
AARON
Well, they were in from out of town,
I thought they would enjoy it.
ELAINE
Uhuh, um you didn't feel uncomfortable
spending the whole day at the museum
with two complete strangers who were
more than twice your age?
AARON
No, it was fun.
ELAINE
You had fun with Mr. and Mrs. Seinfeld.
AARON
Yea, they bought me a coke.
(Jerry's Apartment)
(Morty and Jerry are sitting at his table; Kramer is standing
next to Morty; Helen is getting the fold out sofa ready to sleep)
KRAMER
So how'd you come up with the idea for
the belt-less trench coat?
MORTY
I came home one night, and I tripped
over one of Jerry's toys. (Jerry smiling
points to himself and nods with cards
in his hands) So I took out my belt
just to threaten him, and I got a glimpse
of myself in the mirror.
KRAMER
How serendipitous.
MORTY
So that night I cut off the loops and
the Executive was born.
KRAMER
Mmm
JERRY
He also came up with an idea for a brimless
rain-hat but that never materialized.
(to Morty) Alright come on let's play.
KRAMER
Did you call Jack Klompus yet?
MORTY
I haven't been able to reach him. Hey
I'll call him right now.
JERRY
Ah come on.
MORTY
Just a second. (Goes to grab the phone)
HELEN
Jerry have you seen Schindler's List?
JERRY
No I haven't seen it yet.
HELEN
Oh you have to go you have to
JERRY
I'm going
HELEN
You have to
JERRY
Ok
MORTY
(on the phone) Hello Jack.
(Jack in Florida)
JACK
Ya
MORTY
It's Morty
JACK
Who died?
MORTY
Nobody died. Jack I want you to do me
a big favor. (Jerry holding up some
cards looking at his father) In my garage
there are a couple of boxes.
JACK
What boxes?
MORTY
I'm gonna explain what boxes.
JACK
Alright how the hell do I know?
MORTY
Anyway there are these three big boxes,
you can't miss them. I want you to ship
them here to New York for me.
JACK
I thought you're going to Paris
MORTY
I'm still going to Paris. I got a big
deal cooking here.
JACK
What's in the boxes?
MORTY
Raincoats.
JACK
Raincoats? (Doris sighs) You think you're
gonna sell those old crappy raincoats?
That's garbage.
HELEN
I guarantee you Doris is not letting
him mail those boxes.
JACK
When do you want these?
MORTY
Send them tomorrow.
(Costanza House)
(George, Estelle and Frank are sitting at the table for breakfast
all still in what they slept in)
ESTELLE
You think they're coming tonight?
GEORGE
I dunno they said maybe.
FRANK
Of course they're coming, they're leaving
soon. If they don't come tonight they
might not see us.
ESTELLE
Well they better come, I got all this
Paella.
FRANK
I admire Morty and Helen going to France.
We should take a trip, maybe a cruise.
GEORGE
Yes a cruise, a long cruise, just the
two of you.
ESTELLE
Georgie what were you doing poking around
the attic last night?
GEORGE
I-I wasn't in the attic.
ESTELLE
I heard noise.
GEORGE
Maybe it was a mouse.
FRANK
(jumping to his feet) OK that's it!
We're moving!
GEORGE
What?
FRANK
I will not tolerate infestation.
GEORGE
You haven't even seen one.
FRANK
Don't you understand the very thought,
the very idea, I'll never be comfortable
again.
ESTELLE
All right Frank that's enough.
(Frank sits back down)
(Rudy's Antique Boutique)
(Rudy is checking out the clothes)
GEORGE
I guess I've been hanging on to them
for so long cuz i couldn't accept the
fact that Dad was really gone forever
(hugs a piece of clothing)
RUDY
Uh huh.
GEORGE
They will get a good home won't they?
RUDY
Look I gotta be honest with you there's
nothing here too spectacular.
GEORGE
Oh I beg to differ. My father took great
pride in his appearance, he was a very
handsome man, a Casanova really.
RUDY
I'll give you uh two-hundred dollars
for the three boxes.
GEORGE
Could you make it two-twenty-five that
was his hi-game in bowling.
RUDY
Yea I'm in a good mood here.
GEORGE
Thank you.
(Kramer enters)
KRAMER
Hey, George what are you doing here?
GEORGE
Uh, I'm just selling some of Dad's things,
(looking into Kramer's eyes) that's
what he would have wanted.
KRAMER
Oh, I gotcha (clicks)
GEORGE
(leaving) That'll do.
KRAMER
Oh hey guess what. Morty Seinfeld and
I are going into business together,
selling raincoats.
GEORGE
Hey that's swell.
KRAMER
Yea we worked it out all over dinner
last night.
GEORGE
Dinner? (grabs Kramer)
KRAMER
Ya.
GEORGE
You had dinner with the Seinfelds?
KRAMER
Yea, last night.
GEORGE
Was this something you had planned for
a while?
KRAMER
No it was a spur of the moment. Well
you know Morty likes to fly by the seat
of his vintage pants.
GEORGE
(hurriedly leaves Rudy's) They had plans,
They had plans!
KRAMER
Oooo, boy I've never seen these before
(looking at the clothes George just
sold Rudy)
RUDY
Well they just came in, part of my spring-time
cruise collection. Two for twenty-five
dollars.
KRAMER
Oh I'll take these.
RUDY
All right
KRAMER
Hey, remember this raincoat that you
sold me?
RUDY
Sure that's the Executive.
KRAMER
Ya, you have any others?
RUDY
I wish. They don't make 'em anymore.
KRAMER
Suppose I told you I had fifty in mint
condition, would you be interested?
RUDY
Very interested
KRAMER
Cuz they're coming in from Florida as
we speak.
RUDY
Well bring 'em in.
KRAMER
So you'll buy them?
RUDY
I don't see what would possibly stop
me.
(Out of one of the boxes George sold Rudy flies a couple of moths
as the scene ends)
(Jerry's Apartment)
(George enters)
GEORGE
Aaaa (looking around for Jerry) aaaa
(finds Jerry) Ah ha. They had plans
huh? They were busy. They were busy
with their (doing a little dance to
make the plans seem all that important)
big plans!
JERRY
What are you talking about?
GEORGE
Mom and Pop Seinfeld
JERRY
Look I don't know.
GEORGE
All right I happen to know what they
did last night, they had dinner with
Kramer.
JERRY
Oh they were tired it was a last minute
thing.
GEORGE
So what's the deal they don't want to
have dinner with my parents?
JERRY
That's right.
GEORGE
Is there something wrong with my parents?
JERRY
Absolutely
GEORGE
Because my parents happen to be two
pretty wonderful people.
JERRY
These the people you currently live
with?
GEORGE
Yes.
JERRY
Uh huh
GEORGE
So are they coming tonight or not?
JERRY
Look I really don't know what they're
plans are.
GEORGE
Ok, fine. It's going to be very interesting,
very interesting if they don't show
up tonight. You know my mother made
all this Paella.
JERRY
What is that anyway?
GEORGE
It's a Spanish dish. It's a mélange
of fish, an meat with rice. Very tasty.
JERRY
I-I'll tell 'em
GEORGE
Hey could you do one other thing for
me?
JERRY
Name it.
GEORGE
You think your parents would have any
objections to taking a little kid to
Paris with them? (Jerry looks at him
confused) It turns out that the kid's
father lives in Paris. (chuckling) Is
that a coincidence? (Jerry smiles) Eh
you know Alec wants me to take him over
there so I figure as long as they're
going (claps)
JERRY
So you thought as long as they're mailing
postcards, it wouldn't be too much to
ask my parents to drag a child who they've
never seen, through the streets of Paris?
GEORGE
(pause) All right if you think it's
too much they don't have to mail the
postcards.
(Elaine's Office)
(Elaine at her desk; Joanna standing near the door)
JOANNE
So where's he taking you?
ELAINE
Well first we're going to a matinee,
I'm taking the afternoon off, we're
gonna go see "My Fair Lady" and they
we are gonna go to dinner. He knows
all these fantastic places.
JOANNE
You are one lucky girl. (Elaine laughs
in happiness) Wish I could find a nice
guy. (Joanne goes to leave; Aaron enters)
Hi Aaron.
AARON
(getting up in Aaron's face) Hey Joanne.
(turns to Elaine and goes over to her)
Hey
ELAINE
(already out from behind her desk goes
to Aaron) Hi
(Elaine and Aaron kiss)
(Enter Helen)
HELEN
Hello, Hello.
(Enter Morty)
MORTY
Hello Elaine
(Morty gives Elaine a kiss; Elaine is in shock)
AARON
I was able to finagle two more tickets
to "My Fair Lady" and I thought why
not ask Morty and Helen.
ELAINE
Oh, Great.
MORTY
(looking around) This is some office.
What's the square footage?
HELEN
You don't mind to you Elaine?
ELAINE
Mind? Oh o-of course not.
AARON
We can make a whole day of it.
MORTY
This is some building, Harry Fleming
used to have an office here. There was
a deli on the first floor. You don't
get corned beef like that anymore. What
happened to that deli?
ELAINE
(somewhat annoyed) I really don't know
Mr. Seinfeld
(Collection of Scenes with the music and singing from "My Fair
Lady" over them. First the matinée where we see (from left to
right) Helen, Morty, Elaine and Aaron. Morty opens a candy bar
takes a bite then offers it to Elaine then Aaron who takes it
as the scene changes to the Cafe 123. At the restaurant we see
(from left to right) Morty, Elaine, Helen and Aaron. Morty is
pointing at a painting while talking to Elaine then takes off
his glasses. Next George is seen getting ready to hop into a
cab when Morty, Elaine, Aaron and Helen ride by in a horse drawn
carriage (Handsome Cab) drinking champagne. George then smacks
the top of the cab in disgust)
(song from "My Fair Lady") "I could have danced all night, I
could have danced all night, and still have begged for more.
I could have spread my wings, and done a thousand things, I've
never done before. I never know what made it so exciting, but
all at once my heart would fly"
(Jerry's Apartment)
(Jerry and Rachel making out on Jerry's couch)
JERRY
(stopping them) We better not. (they
make out some more; then stop) T-They're
gonna be here any second.
RACHEL
When are they leaving?
JERRY
In two days.
RACHEL
It's been soo long.
JERRY
I know.
RACHEL
Ok, it's only two more days.
(They both run their hands through their hair)
JERRY
Right, Thursday three o'clock.
MORTY
(from outside the door; singing) I could
have danced all night (entering with
Helen) I could have danced all night
and still have
HELEN
Ooh.
JERRY
Oh Hi.
HELEN
We didn't know you had company.
JERRY
(tucking in his shirt) Oh ya this is
Rachel.
RACHEL
Hi.
HELEN & MORTY
Hello Rachel.
HELEN
Uh we'll come back another time.
JERRY
What other time?
HELEN
Whenever
JERRY
Where you goin'?
MORTY
Uh we'll drive around for a while.
JERRY
You don't have a car.
MORTY
We'll take a bus.
JERRY
Come on stop.
HELEN
No we don't mind
MORTY
I'll get a book.
RACHEL
No no it's ok, I was just leaving anyway.
HELEN
O-oh are you sure?
RACHEL
Yea.
HELEN
Cuz we don't wann..
JERRY
(interrupting) No no it's ok. (walking
Rachel out) So we'll go see Schindler's
List later right?
RACHEL
Definitely
JERRY
Ok.Uh
RACHEL
(going out the door) It's night meeting
you.
HELEN
Nice meeting you.
JERRY
Ok, see you later.
MORTY
Boy that was some show.
JERRY
What show?
MORTY
"My Fair Lady"
JERRY
When did you get tickets to see that?
HELEN
Aaron surprised us, and Elaine came.
JERRY
Oh (laughing) Elaine really? Well that
sounds interesting.
MORTY
We saw Regis Philbin get out of a limousine.
JERRY
Oh.
HELEN
He looks better on TV.
JERRY
Oh
(Phone rings)
JERRY
(answering phone) Hello?
(Jack Klompus in Florida)
JACK
Hello Jerry,
JERRY
Yea.
JACK
It's Jack Klompus.
JERRY
Oh hi Jack.
JACK
So when are you coming down to Florida
again?
JERRY
As soon as is humanly possible.
JACK
You know I still got that pen, the one
that writes upside down.
JERRY
Yea yea ya I shoulda kept it.
JACK
So uh where's your father?
JERRY
Ya he's right here.
(Jerry hands Morty the phone)
MORTY
Yea
JACK
Morty, listen I can't get into the garage.
MORTY
What do you mean?
JACK
There is something wrong with the key.
The key doesn't work
MORTY
You gotta jiggle it a little bit. I
jiggled it. I jiggled it for fifteen
minutes.
(Doris enters the scene with Jack)
DORIS
Tell him to come down here and get his
own packages. You have nothing better
to do then worry about his boxes.
MORTY
You gotta pull on the knob as you turn
it.
JACK
Get the hell outta here with your knob.
DORIS
What does he want from you?
MORTY
My idiot son could open that garage
door.
JERRY
What did I do?
MORTY
Just do it first thing tomorrow. I need
it.
(Jack is seen hanging up his phone)
MORTY
They'll be here first thing Thursday
morning.
HELEN
Thursday morning? You know we're leaving
at three o'clock.
JERRY
(in a hurry) Yea you're leaving at three
o'clock.
HELEN
How are you gonna get all this done
in time?
MORTY
Don't worry about it.
JERRY
(in a hurry) Ya how you gonna get all
this done in time?
(Costanza House)
(George, Estelle and Frank all standing in the kitchen)
GEORGE
They were drinking champagne in a buggy!
FRANK
First Kramer, then Elaine?
GEORGE
Yea
FRANK
It's a slap in the face.
ESTELLE
(with her arms out in wonder) What did
we ever do to them? (George puts his
arms out and imitates Estelle as she
moves her arms up and down as she speaks)
I want to know what we did them!
FRANK
What are they too good for us? A raincoat
salesman, I could buy and sell 'em like
that.
(Frank leaves the kitchen and moves into the living room)
ESTELLE
The hell with them.
GEORGE
(in the threshold between the living
room and the kitchen) The thing that
bothers me the most, is the lying.
(George and Estelle move their way into the living room)
FRANK
Let's forget about it. We're going on
a beautiful vacation. (sits down in
his chair)
GEORGE
(sitting down) Vacation?
FRANK
You're mother and I are planning on
taking a cruise.
(Estelle is already sitting next to George on the couch)
GEORGE
(claps all happy) AH! (half hugs Estelle)
FRANK
But I can't find any vacation clothes.
They were in the attic.
GEORGE
The attic? Y-you haven't wore any of
those clothes for years.
FRANK
How can I go on a cruise with out my
cabana wear? I love those, those clothes.
(Looks down yells) AH! (jumps out of
his chair) A mouse! I saw a mouse! (takes
off into another room with glass doors
on it and shuts the door)
GEORGE
(picking up what Frank saw as a mouse)
It's the remote.
FRANK
(looking from the room; you can see
him through the glass) Where the hell
are my clothes? I love those clothes.
(Ally outside Rudy's)
(Rudy has a gasoline bottle and is burning some clothes)
RUDY
Lousy moth ridden crap.
(Median Monologue)
I-I-I'm not crazy about used clothes. I mean they call it vintage,
you know to take your mind off of what it really is 'nasty wear.'
Oh it's clean you know people wear underwear, ya well they don't
wear iron underwear and that's what it's gonna take to get me
in those clothes. I mean I'll move into an apartment after a
strange person moves out, why would I wanna move into somebody's
pants? There is no vintage underwear of course, but it's not
because the guy couldn't sell his underwear, it's because men
wear their underwear until it absolutely disintegrates. Men hang
on to underwear until, until each individual underwear molecule
is so strained it can barely retain the properties of a solid.
It actually becomes underwear vapor. W-we don't even throw it
out, we just open a window and it goes out like dandelion spoors.
That's how men throw out underwear we just go (blows on the mic)
and it's gone that it is jus.
Schindler's List)
(Schindler's List is playing as Jerry and Rachel are making out.
Newman is then seen disgusted by this display)
(Jerry's Apartment)
(Jerry Enters; Morty and Helen are sitting at the table with
a map out)
JERRY
Hey.
MORTY
Hey, Jerry.
HELEN
So how was the movie?
JERRY
Oh, really good, really good.
HELEN
And didn't the three hours go by just
like that (snaps her fingers)
JERRY
Like that (snaps his fingers)
MORTY
What about the end, with the list?
JERRY
Ya that was some list.
HELEN
What did you think about the black and
white?
JERRY
(confused) The black and white.
MORTY
The whole movie was in black and white.
JERRY
Oh yea, I didn't even realize.
MORTY
You don't even think about it, there's
so much going on.
JERRY
Ya ya, I tell ya I could see it again.
(Rudy's Antique Boutique)
KRAMER
So Klompus has the key, but the jerk
couldn't open it up. All you gotta do
it jiggle it (has is hand out jiggling)
jus get it in there (jiggling making
a bunch of noises) jigg jigg jiggle
reiggle
RUDY
Look, I find this whole thing very uninteresting.
When you get the coats come in.
KRAMER; Ya hey I'm on your side.
(George enters)
KRAMER
Hey what again?
GEORGE
I'm trying to buy some of the clothes
back. (realizing something) Hey you
wanna come over for dinner tonight?
My mother made all this extra Paella.
KRAMER
Payaya, ya I'll be there.
GEORGE
Apparently the Seinfelds' are too good
for us. I shouldn't say anything bad
about your uh your partner.
KRAMER
No no you know we're not partners. I
only get twenty-five percent.
GEORGE
Twenty-five percent? It was your idea.
KRAMER
Yap I know.
GEORGE
You're doing all the leg work.
KRAMER
That's right
GEORGE
He's ripping you off
KRAMER
You're right he's ripping me off
GEORGE
If anybody should be getting more it's
you.
KRAMER
He's ripping me off
GEORGE
Well don't let him take advantage of
you like that.
KRAMER
YAH! (exits)
RUDY
(coming out of the back-room noticing
George) Oh it's you? You're the one
who sold me the moth ridden cabana crap.
(Jerry's Apartment)
(Morty coming out of the bathroom)
MORTY
You know I've been thinking, why is
Kramer getting twenty-five percent?
HELEN
Well he told you about the place.
MORTY
So what, why is that worth twenty-five
percent? It's a finders fee. You know
what a finders fee is?
HELEN
You find something you get a fee.
MORTY
Finder's fee is ten percent and no more.
HELEN
Well it's too late now.
MORTY
Those are my coats. I saved them, I
stored them, I've been waiting years
for this pay off.
HELEN
Well you're not gonna say anything.
(Kramer enters)
KRAMER
I've been thinking about something.
MORTY
Ya so have I
KRAMER
Ahh! I don't think the deal is fair.
MORTY
You don't think it's fair.
KRAMER
No no, I found the place, I set the
whole thing up, I'm doing all the leg
work.
MORTY
What leg work?
KRAMER
Oh, there's leg work.
MORTY
If anything you're getting too much.
KRAMER
Too much?!
MORTY
That's right, they're my coats.
KRAMER
Look I want thirty-five percent.
MORTY
I'm thinking more like fifteen.
KRAMER
No way I'm taking fifteen.
MORTY
Well you're not getting thirty-five.
KRAMER
Alright let's compromise. Twenty-five
percent.
MORTY
Ok it's a deal
(They shack hands.)
(Rudy's Antique Boutique)
RUDY
Moths are a discourage to my business,
all it takes is one moth to lay eggs.
You know what happens to the larvae?
They hatch and they're everywhere.
GEORGE
I'm sorry, umm he-here's your money
back (gives Rudy the money back) I-I-I'll
have the clothes.
RUDY
(counting the money to make sure it's
all there) It's already put a dent in
my fumigation bill.
GEORGE
So uh where are the clothes?
RUDY
I burned 'em.
GEORGE
Oh. That's good.
(Monk's)
(Jerry and Elaine sitting in the booth)
ELAINE
N-I know they're your parents Jerry
an' they're very nice people. But don't
you think it's odd, that a thirty-five
year old man is going to these lengths
to see that someone else's parents are
enjoying themselves? I mean don't you
find that abnormal?
JERRY
It is a tad askew.
ELAINE
I mean they're your parents and you
don't do anything. So why is this stranger
doing it?
JERRY
I've hardly been out to dinner with
them.
ELAINE
See, See, I can't even say anything
you know because all he's really doing
is being nice but but nobody is this
nice, this is like certifiably nice.
JERRY
You're right he's insane.
ELAINE
Yes, he's insane, that's what I think.
JERRY
So what are you going to do?
ELAINE
I don't know, I don't know what to do.
(sighs) Oh god.... so how was the movie?
JERRY
Uh from what I saw it was pretty good.
ELAINE
Ya what do you mean from what you saw?
JERRY
Well I um I didn't ah actually get to
see the whole movie.
ELAINE
Yea why not?
JERRY
I was kind of um (pauses) making out.
ELAINE
(thinks for a second) You were making,
out during Schindler's List?
JERRY
I couldn't help it. We hadn't been alone
in a long time, it just got the better
of me.
ELAINE
During Schindler's List?
JERRY
(trying to justify it) We're both living
with our parents.
ELAINE
Did anybody see you? Did anyone say
anything?
JERRY
No I don't think so. I saw Newman as
I was leaving but see me.
ELAINE
Oh.
(Jerry's Apartment)
(A knock at the door prior to the reveal of Jerry's apartment;
Morty is sitting at the table Helen closes the refrigerator to
answer the door; Newman is revealed in his full Newman)
NEWMAN
Hello Mrs. Seinfeld
HELEN
(like Jerry) Hello, Newman. Jerry's
not here. (goes to shut the door on
him)
NEWMAN
Uh ah (stops her from closing the door;
walks in) Having a nice trip? (walks
over, grabs a junior mint, smells it
then puts it in his pocket)
HELEN
Wonderful, we went to the theater last
night.
NEWMAN
Oh the theater. Because I was wondering.
HELEN
Wondering what?
NEWMAN
Why I didn't see you at Schindler's
List with Jerry.
HELEN
Well we already saw it.
NEWMAN
Oh, well it's a good thing for Jerry
that you didn't go.
MORTY
(getting up from the table and coming
over) Why is that?
NEWMAN
Well he really seemed to have his hands
full if you know what I mean.
HELEN
I'm afraid I don't.
NEWMAN
Him and his little buxom friend Rachel
were going at it pretty good in the
balcony.
MORTY
What?
NEWMAN
What, do I have to spell it out for
ya? He was moving on her like the storm-troopers
into Poland.
HELEN
Jerry was necking during Schindler's
List?
NEWMAN
Yes! A more offensive spectacle I cannot
recall. Anyway I just really came up
to get some detergent.
HELEN
Jerry sends his laundry out.
NEWMAN
(laughing) Oh ho right. Well very nice
seeing you folks and a by the way you
didn't hear this from me. Tata (runs
down the hallway laughing)
(Helen closes the door and looks at Morty in disgust)
(Jerry's Apartment-Later that day)
(Jerry enters; Morty is sitting on the couch writing, Helen is
in the bathroom)
JERRY
Hi (takes off his coat and puts it on
the counter at which point his parents
are both right by him as he goes into
the refrigerator. He grabs a drink then
turns around to see his parents right
there) What? What did I do?
HELEN
How could you?
JERRY
How could I what?
HELEN
You were making out during Schindler's
List?
JERRY
What? No.
MORTY
Don't lie Jerry.
JERRY
(turns) Newman.
HELEN
How could you do such a thing?
JERRY
I couldn't help it. We hadn't been alone
together in a long time and we just
kinda started up a little during the
coming attractions and the next thing
we knew, the war was over.
(Morty and Helen both sigh and turn to go back to what they were
doing; Phone rings)
JERRY
(answering the phone) Hello.
(Jack in Florida with a bandage on his right hand)
JACK
Hello Jerry, it's Jack Klompus.
JERRY
Hang on a second. (handing Morty the
phone) Dad it's Klompus.
MORTY
Hello
JACK
Hello Morty, listen that key doesn't
work. It's no good.
MORTY
You didn't get in?
JACK
Oh I got in, I had to break the window
with a rock and then I got my hand all
cut up reaching in.
MORTY
You broke the window?
HELEN
He broke the window?
JACK
You wanted those damn boxes didn't you?
DORIS
(off camera) He should be on his hands
and knees thanking you.
MORTY
Did you send them?
JACK
Yea, they'll be there tomorrow afternoon,
two o'clock.
MORTY
Tomorrow afternoon?
HELEN
Tomorrow afternoon?
JERRY
Tomorrow afternoon?
MORTY
I told you to send them express.
JACK
W-well it was ten dollars cheaper in
the afternoon than the morning, I figured
what the hell's the difference.
MORTY
So what did you do about the window?
JACK
I gotta fix your window now?
MORTY
All right all right. Goodbye. (Morty
hangs up the phone, Jack hangs up the
phone) I don't think we are gonna make
that flight.
JERRY
W-what do you mean you're not making
the flight?
HELEN
We have to make the flight, we're with
a charter group. If we don't the trip
is off.
MORTY
Well what's the difference we'll go
some place else.
(Jerry annoyed walks toward his room)
HELEN
Some place else? What about Paris?
MORTY
You don't understand, I've come this
far, I can't stop now.
HELEN
I can't believe that you're doing all
this just to sell some stupid raincoats.
MORTY
You don't understand fashion is cyclical
this thing could come back.
HELEN
I think you're out of your mind.
(Costanza House)
FRANK
I just don't understand how all those
clothes can disappear.
GEORGE
Moths?
FRANK
Moths, ate three boxes?
GEORGE
Well you know what happens with larvae
hatch, they-they're everywhere.
ESTELLE
You know, I was thinking today. I never
liked those Seinfelds anyway, he's an
idiot all together. (Knocking at the
door) Ah there's Kramer.
(Estelle goes to answer the door)
KRAMER
(from outside) Hello?
ESTELLE
Hello
KRAMER
(still outside) Helowwwowwow (Estelle
opens the door) Hey (kisses Estelle
hello) Ha ha, Good evening (George waves)
ESTELLE
Hope you're hungry. (goes into the kitchen)
KRAMER
Ooo Paella
GEORGE
Hey uh let me take you're coat.
KRAMER
(giving George his coat) Oh ya thanks
buddy.
FRANK
That shirt, where'd you get that shirt?
KRAMER
Wha?
FRANK
That's my cabana shirt, you stole my
shirt you son of a bitch! (really fast)
George you let your friends go up in
my attic and steal my clothes? (grabbing
at the shirt) Gimme that back
KRAMER
(trying to get away) woah
GEORGE
Dad?!
KRAMER
(laughs as Frank ends up tickling him;
gets away) I bought it from Rudy.
GEORGE
Rudy?! That skunk, I knew he didn't
burn those clothes.
FRANK
Who's Rudy? What clothes?
GEORGE
I sold your clothes yesterday.
FRANK
You sold my clothes (smacks George on
the forehead) what do you mean you sold
my clothes?
GEORGE
I didn't think you wore them anymore.
FRANK
It's cruise wear!
ESTELLE
Kramer, I love that shirt.
KRAMER
Yaya
FRANK
THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S MINE!!
ESTELLE
You look just like Frank, on our honeymoon.
KRAMER
Oh, well, thank you.
(Estelle giggles)
FRANK
Who's this Rudy?
KRAMER
Well Rudy's the guy buying Morty's raincoats.
FRANK
Mory Seinfeld? He's a bum.
KRAMER
Well, the whole deal going down tomorrow.
Morty's gonna miss his plane for it.
GEORGE
Missing his plane? Wasn't that a charter
flight?
KRAMER
Yea.
GEORGE
What happens to charter tickets when
you don't use em?
KRAMER
Well I suppose they are wasted.
GEORGE
Yes I suppose they are.
FRANK
Tomorrow I'm going straight down to
this Rudy and get my clothes.
KRAMER
A mouse!
(Frank starts making noises; Kramer and Frank both run to the
other room where they get stuff in between the door and wall;
Frank hits Kramer to get him in then closes the door)
(Monk's)
(Jerry and George enter)
JERRY
You want the tickets?
GEORGE
Yes.
JERRY
You're gonna take this kid to Paris?
GEORGE
Hey I get a free trip to Paris, I go
in the Big Brother's Hall-of-Fame, I
mail my own postcards.
JERRY
You know I'm paying for these tickets.
GEORGE
It's alright, I got lunch.
(Airport)
(Kramer, Morty and Jerry standing at a luggage carousel)
KRAMER
Oh, you should have gone to the Costanzas'
for dinner. Mmm the Payaya was magnificent.
Have you ever had really good Paella?
MORTY
Not really.
KRAMER
Oh it's a orgiastic feast for the senses.
The want and the festival, the sites,
sounds, and colors an mmmummumm mumm
JERRY
Hey Dad are you sure we are at the right
carousel?
MORTY
This is it.
KRAMER
So how much are we gonna make?
MORTY
Take it easy, I've been through a million
of these negotiations.
KRAMER
Wha two thousand? Three thousand?
MORTY
That's giving it away. This is a one
of a kind item.
KRAMER
More? More than three thousand?
MORTY
Just watch me do my thing.
JERRY
Say Dad, (pointing at a raincoat sitting
on the carousel next to an open box)
isn't that one of yours?
MORTY
Look at this. Look at how this idiot
packed it. He didn't tape it, he just
flipped the flaps. (Kramer, Morty and
Jerry are looking around grabbing raincoats
which are scattered all over the place.)
Kramer you missed a couple.
WOMAN
Bon-jour, welcome to the Gateway to
Paris Charter Flight.
JERRY
(turns around noticing the Charter flight)
Dad isn't that your charter group?
(George and Joey enter the scene getting in line for the Charter
Flight)
GEORGE
Honesty, hard-work, these are the values
that I was raised on. The most important
thing Joey, is to be able to look yourself
in the mirror before you go to sleep
at night.
JOEY
Hey! I got news for you four eyes, there's
no way you're staying with us in Paris.
(Joey walks by George to board the plane and puts his Gum on
the wall.)
(Rudy's Antique Boutique)
FRANK
You burned them? Those clothes are not
yours to burn.
RUDY
Who are you anyways?
FRANK
I'm the father.
RUDY
He said his father was dead.
FRANK
He said I was dead?
RUDY
That's right. Squeezed an extra twenty-five
dollars out of me.
FRANK
That's what my life is worth to him?
Twenty-five dollars.
(Kramer and Morty enter with a bunch of raincoats)
KRAMER
Hey, Frank!
FRANK
Oh, I just want to you know I'm retracting
our dinner invitation.
MORTY
Well you don't have to retract it because
we never went.
FRANK
I'm retracting that it was ever offered.
MORTY
I retract your retraction.
FRANK
Oh, you trying to unload some of that
junk of yours?
MORTY
Would you excuse me please, we're conducting
business here.
RUDY
You can keep your raincoats. I'm not
interested.
KRAMER
I thought we had a deal?
FRANK
That's another one of my shirts!!
RUDY
I'm not buying anymore clothes from
anyone off the street.
MORTY
Who's off the street? I'm in the raincoat
business for thirty-five years.
RUDY
Ya how do I know there aren't moths
like his stuff?
FRANK
My clothes don't have moths!
MORTY
Because of his moths you're not buying
my raincoats?
RUDY
That's right.
KRAMER
(laughing) I'm all ticklish. (a moth
flies out of his shirt; they all look
at it)
(Airport)
(Morty and Helen with a couple bags; Jerry, Elaine and Aaron
saying good-bye)
ANNOUNCEMENT
Flight-433 now boarding for Miami, Gate
18a. Flight-433 now boarding.
MORTY
Ok, let's go.
HELEN
(to Aaron) It was so nice of you to
come to the airport to see us off.
AARON
Are you sure you can't stay a little
longer?
ELAINE & JERRY
NO.
MORTY
Ah, good-bye.
(Jerry hugs Morty; Helen and Elaine give each other a kiss)
ELAINE
Good-bye
JERRY
Take care
MORTY
Alright Jer.
(Morty and Elaine hug; Jerry and Helen give each other a kiss)
ELAINE
Nice to see..
MORTY
Buh bye Elaine
JERRY
Buh bye.
HELEN
Buh bye.
(Aaron torn by emotion moves in and gives Morty and Helen a hug
a hug)
HELEN
(looking at Jerry while being overly
hugged by Aaron) We'll call you when
we get home.
AARON
Thank you.
JERRY
I think she meant me, but.
MORTY
Make sure Kramer uses good tape when
he sends back the raincoats.
JERRY
Ok.
(Morty and Helen go to board the plane)
ELAINE
Bye.
JERRY
Bye.
(Aaron begins to follow them)
ELAINE
Aaron? Aaron are you ok?
AARON
I could've done more. I could've done
so much more.
ELAINE
You did enough.
AARON
(turning toward her) No, I could've
called the travel agency, got them on
another flight to Paris, I coulda got
them out.
JERRY
You tried Aaron, it was too expensive.
AARON
(holds his arm up) This watch, this
watch could've paid for their whole
trip. (holds his other hand up) This
ring, this ring is one more dinner I
could've taken them out to. (Jerry and
Elaine look at each other like he's
crazy) Water, they need some water (turns
around and runs to the Flight Agent)
ELAINE
Why?
AARON
(to the Flight Agent) They'll get dehydrated
on the plane! Get the Seinfelds some
water. Please! Please!
(Jerry and Elaine continue to look at him funny)
(Rachel's Parents' Place)
(Jerry knocks on the door; Mr. Goldstein answers)
JERRY
Hi Mr. Goldstein is Rachel home?
MR. GOLDSTEIN
I'm afraid Rachel's not going to be
able to see you tonight, or any other
night for that matter.
JERRY
Why what did I do?
MR. GOLDSTEIN
(Rachel is know seen behind her Dad)
You know very well. I heard about your
behavior at the movies the other night
it was disgraceful. You should be ashamed
of yourself, I for one will not allow
my daughter to be involved with someone
of such weak moral fiber. Fortunately
my postman happened to have witnessed
the entire incident. A heavy set fellow,
I believe he lives in your building.
(Jerry turns to almost do a 'Newman')
Now if you don't mind. (starts to close
the door)
JERRY
Rachel!
MR. GOLDSTEIN
(closing the door on Jerry) Good night!
JERRY
Rachel!
(Monk's)
(Jerry and Elaine at the normal booth)
JERRY
So my parents get home, they open the
door, my father flicks the light on,
the whole place is cleaned out, everything.
ELAINE
Aahh, (pushes Jerry from her seat at
the table) Get Out! How did it happen?
JERRY
The broken window, Klompus never fixed
it. They just walked right in.
ELAINE
Oohh, boy. They could use a vacation.
JERRY
Yea they're taking one, the travel agent
is trying to set something else up for
them.
ELAINE
(sighs) So how about that Aaron?
JERRY
Whew
ELAINE
You know what drove me crazy about him?
Did you ever notice that he stood too
close to you when he talked?
JERRY
No I hadn't noticed.
(Newman enters and walks by the table; Jerry doesn't notice him
as he is getting something out of his coat pocket)
NEWMAN
(at the counter) Pair of bear claws
please.
JERRY
(hearing Newman turns and sees him)
Hiya Newman.
NEWMAN
(moving away from the counter getting
closer to the door) Hello Jerry.
JERRY
Say, I happened to catch you coming
out of Schindler's List the other night.
NEWMAN
Ohh, were you there?
JERRY
Yes I was.
NEWMAN
(looking scared) I-it's a it's a...powerful
film.
JERRY
Yes, shocking brutality don't you think?
NEWMAN
(couple quick breaths) Shocking.
JERRY
Yes, well that was nothing.
(Newman makes a noise and takes off toward the door as Jerry
gets up)
NEWMAN
(running out the door) Jerry! Jerry!
(Jerry chases Newman right out the door)
(Paris)
(George is sitting at an outside eatery in France with Joey)
GEORGE
Where the hell is your father?!
(George smiles and waves at a girl sitting at another table;
Joey puts some stuff on George's glasses)
(Cruise ship out in the Ocean)
(Estelle and Frank walking around on the boat)
ESTELLE
This is the best thing we ever did.
FRANK
I just hope those exterminators know
what they're doing.
ESTELLE
Ah forget about them let's just...
(Frank and Estelle run into Morty and Helen)
(Comedy club)
Personal distance is a very important thing. There's a new personal
distance, ATM distance. When someone's using an ATM, you wanna
be about six feet back don't you? Because people a little edgy
around that ATM don't they? They got their money out, their eyes
are darting all around. The other place I wanna be about six
feet away is Urinals, you want some distance there too. ATMs
and Urinals, I guess whenever someone's taking valuable out of
their pants you want to give them as much room as possible.
THE END
|
