THE REVENGE
Written by
Larry David
LEVITAN
Remind me to tell you what we did in
Lake George. (laughing) Get
this...I got it all on video. (laughing)
GEORGE
That's it. This is it. I'm done. Through.
It's over. I'm gone.
Finished. Over. I will never work for you again. Look at you.
(laughing) You think you're an important man? Is that what you
think? You
are a laughingstock. You are a joke. These people are laughing
at
you. You're nothing! You have no brains, no ability, nothing!
(knocking
object over on desk) I quit!
KRAMER
Hey.
JERRY
Hey.
KRAMER
Boy, I have really had it with Newman.
He wakes me up again last
night at three o'clock in the morning to tell me he's going up
onto the
roof to kill himself.
JERRY
Well, what'd you say?
KRAMER
I said " Jump." Well, he's been threatening
to do this for years. I
said " Look, if you're gonna kill yourself do it already and
stop
bothering me." At least I'd respect the guy for accomplishing
something.
JERRY
What's his problem?
KRAMER
No job. No women.
JERRY
He called the right guy.
KRAMER
What am I supposed to tell him? How
much there is for him to live
for? Why should I lie to him?
JERRY
All right, I'm leaving. I going to the
laundry.
KRAMER
Why don't you use the machines down
in the basement?
JERRY
Fluff and fold. The only way to live.
(snapping fingers in tune with
words) I drop it off. I pick it up. It's a delight.
KRAMER
How 'bout if I put a few things --
JERRY
Wait a sec. I don't wanna do --
KRAMER
Well, you're going over there.
JERRY
I don't wanna mix in everything! My
guys don't know your guys. You
can't just lock 'em all in the same machine together. They'll
start a
riot.
KRAMER
Have you ever met my guys?
JERRY
No. I can't say as I have.
KRAMER
Well!
JERRY
All right. Put 'em on top.
KRAMER
Ah!
JERRY
Oh, beautiful. This stuff on top is
my friends'. Could I get it done
in a separate machine?
VIC
I'll have to charge you for another
machine.
JERRY
Whatever it costs. In fact, I would
prefer it if the machines are
not even touching each other. Because something could, you know,
jump
across.
GEORGE
Guess what.
JERRY
How did you know I was here?
GEORGE
Kramer. Guess what.
JERRY
I don't know.
GEORGE
I quit my job.
JERRY
Get outta here.
GEORGE
I couldn't take it anymore.
VIC
You can have this on Monday.
JERRY
What happened? Levitan?
GEORGE
I go in to use his private bathroom,
everybody uses it, and then I
get a memo - a memo - telling me to use the men's room in the
hall.
Well, (laughing) we share it with Pace Electronics. It's disgusting!
JERRY
You and your toilets.
GEORGE
I snapped! It was the last straw. (sighs)
JERRY
So, what are you gonna do now? Are you
gonna look for something else
in real estate?
GEORGE
Nobody's hiring now. The market's terrible.
JERRY
So what are you gonna do?
GEORGE
I like sports. I could do something
in sports.
JERRY
Uh-huh. Uh-huh. In what capacity?
GEORGE
You know, like the general manager of
a baseball team or something.
JERRY
Yeah. Well, that - that could be tough
to get.
GEORGE
Well, it doesn't even have to be the
general manager. Maybe I could
be like, an announcer. Like a caller man. You know how I always
make
those interesting comments during the game.
JERRY
Yeah. Yeah. You make good comments.
GEORGE
What about that?
JERRY
Well, they tend to give those jobs to
ex-ballplayers and people that
are, you know, in broadcasting.
GEORGE
Well, that's really not fair.
JERRY
I know. Well, okay. Okay. What else
do ya like?
GEORGE
Movies. I like to watch movies.
JERRY
Yeah. Yeah.
GEORGE
Do they pay people to watch movies?
JERRY
Projectionists.
GEORGE
That's true.
JERRY
But you gotta know how to work the projector.
GEORGE
Right.
JERRY
And it's probably a union thing.
GEORGE
(scoffs) Those unions. (sighs) Okay.
Sports,...movies. What about a
talk show host?
JERRY
Talk show host. That's good.
GEORGE
I think I'd be good at that. I talk
to people all the time. Someone
even told me once they thought I'd be a good talk show host.
JERRY
Really?
GEORGE
Yeah. A couple of people. I don't get
that, though. Where do you
start?
JERRY
Well, that's where it gets tricky.
GEORGE
You can't just walk into a building
and say " I wanna be a talk
show host."
JERRY
I wouldn't think so.
GEORGE
It's all politics.
JERRY
All right. Okay. Sports, movies, talk
show host. What else?
GEORGE
This could have been a huge mistake.
JERRY
Well, it doesn't sound like you completely
thought this through.
GEORGE
(sighs) What should I do?
JERRY
Maybe you can just go back.
GEORGE
Go back?
JERRY
Yeah. Pretend like it never happened.
GEORGE
You mean just walk into the staff meeting
on Monday morning like it
never happened?
JERRY
Sure. You're an emotional person. People
don't take you seriously.
GEORGE
Just..go back. Pretend the whole thing
never happened.
JERRY
Never happened.
GEORGE
I was just blowin' off a little steam.
So what?
JERRY
So what? You're entitled.
GEORGE
I'm emotional.
JERRY
That's right. You're emotional.
GEORGE
Never happened.
JERRY
Never happened.
GEORGE
How ya doin'?
GLENDA
What are you doing here?
GEORGE
What? I work here.
GLENDA
I thought you quit.
GEORGE
What quit? (laughing) Who quit?
DAN
Bill, how was your weekend?
BILL
Oh, excellent weekend. What about your
weekend?
DAN
Fine weekend.
GEORGE
Yeah. Good weekend.
DAN
Went up to the Cape. Took the kids sailing.
(laughing) Lisa was a
little scared at first, but that kids' gonna be a good sailor
someday.
GEORGE
Aw, she's gonna be a fine sailor.
LEVITAN
Ava, what happened to you Friday afternoon?
AVA
I got a little tied up.
LEVITAN
I'll bet you did.
(laughter breaks out in boardroom)
LEVITAN
I wanna remind everyone that the tenth
anniversary party for Rick
Barr Properties is gonna be Wednesday afternoon at four o'clock
in
Lasky's Bar, Madison 48th. I want all of you to be there. This
really
means a lot to me. Is that Costanza over there? What are you
doing
here?
GEORGE
What?
LEVITAN
Am I crazy, or didn't you quit?
GEORGE
When?
LEVITAN
Friday.
GEORGE
Oh, what? What? That? Are you kidding?
I didn't quit. What? You
took that seriously?
LEVITAN
You mean, laughingstock? All that stuff?
GEORGE
Come on. Will you stop it.
LEVITAN
No brains? No ability?
GEORGE
Teasing.
LEVITAN
Okay. I want you outta here.
GEORGE
I don't know where you're getting this
from. I....you're serious
aren't you? Oh, (laughing) you see?
LEVITAN
You can't win. You can't beat me. That's
why I'm here and you're
there. Because I'm a winner. I'll always be a winner and you'll
always be a loser.
GEORGE
" I'll always be a winner and you'll
always be a loser." This is
what he said to me.
JERRY
Well, so that's that.
GEORGE
No. That's not that.
JERRY
That's not that?
GEORGE
No.
JERRY
Well, if that's not that, what is that?
GEORGE
I've got some plans. I got plans.
JERRY
What kind of plans?
GEORGE
What's the difference?
JERRY
You don't wanna tell me?
GEORGE
I'm gonna slip him a mickey.
JERRY
What? In his drink? Are you outta your
mind? What? Are you Peter
Lorre?
GEORGE
You don't understand. He's got this
big party coming up. He's been
looking forward to this for months. This is gonna destroy the
whole
thing.
JERRY
What if you destroy him?
GEORGE
No. No. No. No. No. Don't worry. It's
perfectly safe. I researched
it. He'll get a little woozy. He might keel over.
JERRY
Well, wha - what does that do? Big deal.
GEORGE
This is what they would do in the movies!
It's a beautiful thing!
It's like a movie! I'm gonna slip him a mickey!
JERRY
You've really gone mental.
GEORGE
Nah.
JERRY
Where are you gonna get this mickey?
I can't believe I'm saying
"mickey"!
GEORGE
I got a sauce.
JERRY
You got a mickey sauce?
GEORGE
And Elaine is gonna keep him busy.
JERRY
Elaine? How did you rope her into this?
GEORGE
I told her what a sexist he is. How
he cheats on his wife.
JERRY
She knew that.
GEORGE
But she didn't know he doesn't recycle.
JERRY
What is the point of all this?
GEORGE
Revenge.
JERRY
Oh, the best revenge is living well.
GEORGE
There's no chance of that.
JERRY
Did you get your laundry?
KRAMER
Yeah.
JERRY
What's with you?
KRAMER
He jumped.
JERRY
What?
KRAMER
Yeah. Newman jumped.
JERRY
Did he call you last night?
KRAMER
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
JERRY
What did you say?
KRAMER
I said " Wave to me when you pass my
window."
JERRY
Whew. Did he wave?
KRAMER
No! He jumped from the second floor.
Mr. Papanickolous saw him from
across the street. He's lying out there faking. See, he's trying
to
get back at me.
JERRY
Oh, my god!
KRAMER
What's the matter?
JERRY
Well, on Thursday when I came home I
had $1500 on me. For some
reason I decided to hide it in my laundry bag and then I completely
forgot about it...and then I took the laundry in on Friday! Oh,
come on,
let's go.
KRAMER
Where? Where?
JERRY
To the Laundromat.
VIC
I never saw it.
KRAMER
Okay. Come on. Give the guy his money.
What -- what are you doing?
VIC
Hey, you see that sign right there?
JERRY
Oh, I see. So, you put up a sign so
you can do whatever you want?
VIC
I'm not responsible.
JERRY
So, anybody leaves anything here, you
can just take it? You have a
license to steal? You are like the James Bond of laundry?
VIC
You ever hear of a bank?
JERRY
Come on. Let's go.
KRAMER
No. You can't let him get away with
this.
ELAINE
Which one is he?
GEORGE
That's him over there. The one that
looks like a blowfish.
ELAINE
Oh, yeah. I see him.
GEORGE
Yeah. Hey, thanks for doing this.
ELAINE
Why pass up the opportunity to go to
prison?
GEORGE
This is by far the most exciting thing
I've ever done.
ELAINE
Yeah. It is kind of cool.
GEORGE
First time in my life I've ever gotten
back at someone.
ELAINE
I can't believe we're doing this. This
is the kind of thing they do
in the movies.
GEORGE
That's exactly what I told Jerry!
ELAINE
Really?
GEORGE
Yes!
(both laughing)
GEORGE
God, I've never felt so alive!
JERRY
Maybe we should call this off.
KRAMER
Come on. What's the big deal? Just gonna
put a little concrete in
the washing machine.
JERRY
And what's gonna happen?
KRAMER
Well, it'll gonna mix up with the water,
and then by the end of the
cycle it'll be a solid block!
JERRY
If only you could put your mind to something
worthwhile. You're like
Lex Luthor.
KRAMER
You keep him busy.
(Kramer, holding heavy bag of concrete in arms, stumbles to machine,
knocking chairs around)
(Kramer plops concrete down onto washing machine)
KRAMER
Whoa!
(lifting bag into the air, Kramer, thrown off balance, stumbles
backwards
and slams into dryer)
GEORGE
You go over there -
ELAINE
Yeah.
GEORGE
You start flirting with him and I'll
come by and, while you're
keeping him busy, I'll slip it in his drink.
ELAINE
Wouldn't it be easier just to punch
him in the mouth?
LEVITAN
Come on! They're terrible. They got
no infield.
ELAINE
Oops! 'Scuse me.
LEVITAN
Yeah.
GREENY
I'm gonna get some food. You want some?
LEVITAN
Nah.
ELAINE
Hi.
LEVITAN
Hi.
ELAINE
(sneezes)
LEVITAN
God bless you.
ELAINE
Oh! Thank you. Thank you very much.
(blowing nose) Really. I mean
that. I am not one of those people who give insincere thank you's.
No
sir. No sir. When I thank someone I really thank them. So, thank...
yoooou!
LEVITAN
You're welcome.
ELAINE
People don't say " God bless you " as
much as they used to. Have
you noticed that?
LEVITAN
No.
ELAINE
So, I'm going to a nudist colony next
week.
LEVITAN
Nudist colony?
ELAINE
Oh, yeah. Yeah. I love nudist colonies.
They help me..unwind. Aah!
LEVITAN
(laughing) I'd never been to a nudist
colony.
ELAINE
Oh, really? Oh, you should go. They're
great. They're great. Of
course, when it's over, it's - it's hard to get used to all this
clothing, you know. So, a lot of times, I'll just lock the door
to my
office and I'll just sit there naked.
LEVITAN
Seriously?
ELAINE
Oh, yeah. I usually work naked a...couple
hours a day.
GEORGE
(whispering) Glenda, can I ask you a
favor? Can I have this seat?
GLENDA
What do you have to sit here for? There
are plenty of other seats.
GEORGE
(whispering) I can't explain. It's very
important that I sit here.
GLENDA
What are you doing here anyway? I thought
you were fired.
GEORGE
(whispering) Okay. Okay. Fine.
ELAINE
I cook naked, I clean....I clean naked,
I drive naked. Naked.
Naked. Naked.
LEVITAN
Who are you?
ELAINE
Oh, you don't wanna know, mistah. I'm
trouble. Big trouble.
(lid on machine slams shut after Kramer opens it, forcing him
to pour
concrete all over machine)
JERRY
What about the gentle cycle? You ever
use that?
(opening lid, Kramer begins to contort & flail arms about as
a cloud of
concrete covers his face)
JERRY
Do you think it's effeminate for a man
to put clothes in a gentle
cycle?
(Kramer emptying bag into machine)
JERRY
What about fine fabrics? How do you
deal with that kind of
temperament?
(finished with machine, Kramer walks to corner of room with half-full
bag &
drops it on the floor)
(Kramer giving "OK" sign)
(Kramer starting machine & trying to brush the mounds of concrete
off of
the machine)
JERRY
What about stone washing? You ever witness
one of those? That must
be something.
What? Do they just pummel the jeans with rocks?
(Kramer walks over to where Jerry is standing, his entire body
covered with
dry concrete)
KRAMER
I didn't realize it was a full box.
GEORGE
I'm gonna count to three. If you don't
give up the chair, the wig
is coming off.
GLENDA
I don't' wear a wig.
GEORGE
One...
ELAINE
No. No. No. No. No. I don't really have
a phone. In fact, I - I
really don't have an apartment. I kinda sleep around.
(Levitan & Elaine laughing)
ELAINE
I just like to have and few drinks and
just let the guy do whatever
he wants. Would you close your eyes for a second? I wanna tell
you a
secret about my bra.
(George empties contents of tiny bottle into Levitan's drink)
(Elaine & Levitan laughing)
GEORGE
Hello, Rick.
LEVITAN
Heh heh heh hey! Look who's here!
GEORGE
That's right, Ricky Boy, it's me!
LEVITAN
You know something, Costanza? I'm a
very lucky man.
GEORGE
Oh!
LEVITAN
I've always been lucky. Things just
seem to fall right in my lap.
GEORGE
Boom!
(all laughing)
LEVITAN
You wouldn't believe it if I told you.
In fact, uh, I'm glad
you're here. You know, maybe I've been a little rough on ya,
huh?
GEORGE
Oh.
LEVITAN
Why should we let petty, personal differences
get in the way of
business? I, uh, I want
you to come back. You can use my bathroom anytime you want.
GEORGE
You want me to come back? Uh...
LEVITAN
Hey! How about a toast, huh? Everybody,
a toast!
GEORGE
Rick.
LEVITAN
Everyone, I wanna propose a toast to
ten great years at Rick Barr
Properties.
GEORGE
Uh, Rick..
LEVITAN
And all the people in this room, (clears
throat) that made that
possible..
GEORGE
Rick.
LEVITAN
I'd also like to welcome back into the
fold our..our little
shrimpy friend, George Costanza who, although he didn't really
have a
very good year -- how you blew that McConnell deal, I'll never
know. But,
hey, what the hell, huh? We've always enjoyed his antics around
the
office. Heh heh. Anything you wanna add to this?
GEORGE
Drink up. I like history. Civil War.
Maybe I could be a professor,
or something.
ELAINE
Well, to teach something you really
have to know a lot about it. I
think you need a degree.
JERRY
Yeah. That's true. What? My God, the
money! The 1500! Where'd you
find it?
KRAMER
It was in my laundry.
JERRY
In your laundry the whole time? I told
you not to mix in our guys.
What did we figure the damage on that machine would be?
KRAMER
It was about 1200 bucks.
NEWMAN
Kramer!
KRAMER
Oh! That's Newman.
NEWMAN
I'm on the roof!
KRAMER
Well, what are you waiting for?
JERRY
Elaine, come on, take a walk with me
down to the Laundromat. I gotta
pay this guy the money..
GEORGE
I like horses. Maybe I could be a stable
boy.
KRAMER
You wanna shoot some pool tonight?
NEWMAN
I can't. I'm goin' to the movies.
GEORGE
Nah. It's probably a union thing.
THE END
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