THE REVERSE PEEPHOLE
Written by
Spike Feresten
(Waitress giving Elaine her meal at Monk's.)
WAITRESS
Careful, this plate is extremely hot.
Elaine touching the plate.
ELAINE
Thank you. Ow!
WAITRESS
I just told you it was hot. Why'd you
touch it?
ELAINE
I just wanted to know what your idea
of 'hot' is.
Puddy entering Monk's in a fur coat
PUDDY
Hey, babe. You ready to hit the ice?
Elaine cracking up when she sees Puddy's coat.
ELAINE
I am ready to skate up a-- ha, ha, ha...Why
are you wearing that?
PUDDY
It's my winter coat.
ELAINE
A fur?
Puddy sits down in the booth.
PUDDY
Is there a problem?
ELAINE
A seemingly infinite supply.
Elaine touching the plate again.
ELAINE
Ow! Careful, it's hot.
Puddy touching the plate.
PUDDY
Ow!
Jerry, in his apartment with Elaine and George.
JERRY
So, Puddy wear's a man fur?
ELAINE
He was struttin' around the coffee shop
like Stein Erickson.
JERRY
And, of course, you find fur morally
reprehensible.
ELAINE
Eh, anti-fur. I mean, who has the energy
anymore? This is more about hanging
off the arm of an idiot.
GEORGE
And this is the first you're seeing
of the coat?
ELAINE
We never dated in winter.
JERRY
You might want to get a look at that
bathing suit drawer.
ELAINE
Oh, I walked by Bloomingdale's the other
day, and I saw that massage chair we
want to get Joe Mayo as an apartment
gift.
GEORGE
An apartment-warming gift? We got to
give presents to people for moving?
Birthdays, Christmas, it's enough gifts.
I would like one month off.
JERRY
Kramer said it's a perfect gift. That's
what we're gettin' him.
GEORGE
All right, but we're not buyin' it at
Bloomingdale's. I will buy it, you pay
me back later. I'll sniff out a deal.
I have a sixth sense.
JERRY
Cheapness is not a sense.
ELAINE
I can't stand Joe Mayo's parties. You
know, the second you walk in, he's got
you workin' for him. 'Hey, can you do
me a favor? Can you keep an eye on the
ice, make sure we have enough?' Uh...
JERRY
I had a great time at the last one.
I was in charge of the music. I turned
that mother out.
Kramer enters Jerry's apartment with Newman.
KRAMER
Hey.
JERRY
Hey.
KRAMER
You got any pliers?
JERRY
What, has Newman got another army man
stuck in his ear?
NEWMAN
Hilarious.
KRAMER
Newman and I are reversing the peepholes
on our door. So you can see in.
ELAINE
Why?
NEWMAN
To prevent an ambush.
KRAMER
Yeah, so now I can peek to see if anyone
is waiting to jack me with a sock full
of pennies.
JERRY
But then anyone can just look in and
see you.
KRAMER
Our policy is, we're comfortable with
our bodies. You know, if someone wants
to help themselves to an eyefull, well,
we say, 'Enjoy the show.'
ELAINE
I'm sorry I can't stay for the... second
act.
Jerry pulls a stub of paper out of his wallet.
JERRY
Hey, George. Here's the model number
on that chair, by the way.
KRAMERT
Mmm... Nice wallet.
NEWMAN
Wallet.
JERRY
What?
Kramer showing Jerry the contents of his pocket
KRAMER
Nobody carries wallets anymore. I mean,
they went out with powdered wigs. Yeah,
see here's what you need. Just a couple
of cards and your bankroll.
See, keep the big bills on the outside.
JERRY
That's a five.
KRAMER
I'm on the Mexican, whoa ohh, radio...
Silvio coming up behind Kramer
SILVIO
Eh, what are you doing?
KRAMER
Hey, Silvio. Yeah, I'm reversing my
peephole.
SILVIO
Hey, you know you gotta get permission
from me. I'm the super. Who said you
could do that?
KRAMER
Well, who says I can do any of the things
I do in my place?
SILVIO
Like what?
KRAMER
Well, I... uh, nothing. No, I'll, um,
I'll switch it back.
SILVIO
No, no, no, no. No, that's all right.
KRAMER
Well, that's good. Because, uh, Newman
and I--
SILVIO
Newman? He did this, too?
KRAMER
Well, yeah.
SILVIO
I deal with him.
George showing Jerry a newspaper ad.
GEORGE
Hey, look at this. This is the same
massage chair we're gettin' for Joe
Mayo, $60 cheaper.
JERRY
Except the store's in Delaware.
GEORGE
I'll have 'em overnight it.
JERRY
Maybe cheapness is a sense. You know
it is better without this big wallet.
It's more comfortable.
GEORGE
It doesn't matter if it's more comfortable.
It's wrong.
JERRY
Why?
George pulling out his wallet.
GEORGE
Because important things go in a case.
You got a skull for your brain, a plastic
sleeve for your comb, and a wallet for
your money.
Jerry holding up a hamburger while holding George's wallet.
JERRY
But look at this thing. It's-it's huge.
You got more cow here than here.
GEORGE
I need everything in there.
Jerry looking through George's wallet
JERRY
Irish money?
GEORGE
I might go there.
JERRY
Show this card at any participating
Orlando-area Exxon station...to get
your free 'Save the Tiger' poster.
George grabbing back his wallet.
GEORGE
All right, just gimme that. And gimme
some of those Sweet & Lows.
(Newman walks up to Kramer's door, looks into his reverse peephole,
and sees Kramer, wearing an open shirt, scratching his stomach
with a backscratcher, with
opera music playing in the background. Newman knocks on the door,
and Kramer startingly peers into his reverse peephole)
KRAMER
Who is it?
NEWMAN
It's Newman.
KRAMER
What do you want? I'm in the middle
of something.
NEWMAN
I can't believe I'm being evicted.
KRAMER
What? What are you talking about?
NEWMAN
The reverse peepholes. Silvio said I'm
an agitator and I'm out of the building.
KRAMER
No. No, he can't do that.
NEWMAN
I'm homeless! I'm gonna be out on a
street corner, dancing for nickels.
I'll be with the hobos in the trainyard,
eating out of a bucket.
KRAMER
Come on, we'll go and talk to him, and
we'll straighten this thing out.
(Kramer closes his door behind him to go with Newman, when Newman
sees that he's still wearing his open shirt)
NEWMAN
Uh, you, uh, you better put something
on.
Jerry, at Joe Mayo's party with George.
JERRY
George, I am loving this no wallet thing.
GEORGE
A man carries a wallet.
JERRY
You know, the very fact that you oppose
this makes me think I'm onto something.
Joe Mayo, coming up to George and Jerry.
JOE MAYO
Hey, Jerry.
JERRY
Hey, Joe Mayo. Nice place.
JOE MAYO
Thanks. George, can you do me a favor
and stay by the phone in case anybody
calls and needs directions?
George tossing his coat on a chair.
GEORGE
Love to.
JOE MAYO
Thanks. Jerry...
JERRY
Music?
JOE MAYO
Actually, can you keep an eye on the
aquarium and make sure nobody taps on
the glass?
JERRY
But I could do that and the music.
JOE MAYO
Oh, no, don't worry about the music.
Just... have fun!
JERRY
I was ready to get jiggy with it.
Elaine entering the party with Puddy who's wearing his fur coat.
PUDDY
Hey.
JERRY
Hey, Elaine.
ELAINE
Hey. I think you know Dr... Zaius.
Jerry showcasing his no-wallet look.
JERRY
So, Elaine, notice anything different
about my... pants?
Elaine eyeing Jerry patheticall, then turning to George.
ELAINE
So, George... did you get the chair?
GEORGE
No, I don't have it yet.
JERRY
So, we're givin' him nothing?
George pulling out a picture of the chair.
GEORGE
No, I brought a picture of the chair.
JERRY
Did you at least get him a card?
GEORGE
I thought we'd all sign the picture.
Joe Mayo walking up to the gang with an armload of guests' coats.
JOE MAYO
Elaine...
ELAINE
Hey, Joe Mayo.
JOE MAYO
I need you to be in charge of coats.
Elaine being given all the coats and Puddy's fur coat thrown
on top.
ELAINE
Oh, fantastic.
JOE MAYO
And Puddy, can you make sure no one
puts a drink on my...sound system?
PUDDY
Sure thing, Joe Mayo.
Jerry over by the aquarium talking to a girl.
JERRY
Hi, I'm Jerry. How do you like my pants?
KERI
Nice.
JERRY
(talking to George) It's working. (to
the girl, who's tapping on the aquarium)
Don't tap on the glass.
GEORGE
(answering the phone while walking away)
Joe Mayo's apartment?
PUDDY
(standing guard by the stereo as George
walks by him) Hey! Cocktail off the
speaker.
(Putting the coats on a bed, Elaine sees the window, opens it,
and throws Puddy's coat out)
ELAINE
Goodbye, Dr. Zaius.
Silvio with his wife, Kramer, and Newman in Jerry's apartment.
SILVIO
Why are we in Jerry's apartment?
KRAMER
Well, I, uh, I like to think of this
as my conference room. Yeah, it has
a more formal atmosphere, you know,
with the shelves, and the furniture.
SILVIO
Make it quick Kramer, my wife and I
are about to go bowling.
KRAMER
Oh, well, um, Newman thinks that you,
uh, evicted him?
SILVIO
I did. I don't like Mr. Newman. He is
an agitator.
KRAMER
Look... I've known Newman all my life,
in the building, and you're all wrong
about him. He's a model tenant. Portly,
yes, but smart as a whip.
SILVIO
OK, on your word he can stay.
KRAMER
All right.
SILVIO
But... I'm gonna keep my eye on him.
KRAMER
Well, you won't regret it.
(Kramer looks up at Newman and he sees him close to kissing Silvio's
wife. Silvio, sees the cigar fall right out of Kramer's mouth.
SILVIO
What's wrong?
(Kramer hurriedly picks the cigar up, but puts the wrong end
in his mouth, burning his tongue, and quickly replacing it the
right way in his mouth)
JOE MAYO
Elaine, thanks for coming.
ELAINE
Good working with you.
Puddy coming up to them in his fur coat ready to go.
PUDDY
All right, let's hit the bricks.
Elaine sees Puddy still having a coat.
ELAINE
What?
JOE MAYO
Hey, I got a coat just like this!
ELAINE
Oh. Uhhh...
Elaine at Monk's with George and Jerry.
ELAINE
So Joe Mayo had the same coat.
GEORGE
And you threw it out the window?
ELAINE
Mm-hmm.
GEORGE
God, you're like a rock star.
ELAINE
So now Joe Mayo wants me to buy him
a new coat.
JERRY
Because you threw it out.
ELAINE
No, because I was in charge of the coats.
It's... insane.
JERRY
But you did actually throw his coat
out the window.
ELAINE
But he doesn't know that. As far as
he knows, somebody stole it, and that's
the person who should be responsible.
JERRY
But that's you.
ELAINE
So I guess I'll have to buy him a new
coat, even though I don't think I should
be held responsible, which I am anyway.
George, taking out his wallet to pay the check.
GEORGE
Well, I'm satisfied. Uh...my back is...killing
me.
JERRY
Of course. Because of that wallet. You-you
got a filing cabinet under half of your
ass.
George replacing his wallet in his pocket.
GEORGE
This...is an organizer, a secretary,
and a friend.
ELAINE
Look at you. You're on a slant.
GEORGE
Here, just give me a couple of napkins.
(He pulls some napkins out of the dispenser, puts them in his
other back pocket, and becomes un-slanted)
GEORGE
There, there I'm fine.
(Suddenly, half of George's body falls with a crunch sound, as
he becomes slanty the other way now)
JERRY
What was that?
GEORGE
I think I had some hard candy in there.
George sees the delivery man bringing the massage chair into
his apartment.
GEORGE
No, no, this is supposed to go to Joe
Mayo's apartment.
George sits down in the chair.
GEORGE
Ahhh. How does this thing work?
George turns the chair on.
GEORGE
Ahhhhh...
DELIVERY MAN
Sir, do you want me to deliver this
to your friend's place or not?
GEORGE
Ahhhhh...
Keri meeting Jerry on the street.
KERI
Ready to go?
JERRY
All set. I can't believe I'm going dancing.
KERI
You don't go that often?
JERRY
No, because it's so stupid. Shall we?
Keri handing him a bunch of miscellaneous items that would seem
to normally go in her purse.
KERI
Do me a favor. Can you hold this stuff
for me?
JERRY
Compact, lipstick, all this?
Keri, handing him a gigantic ring of keys.
KERI
And can you help to carry my keys?
Jerry looks at the keys.
JERRY
What are you, a medieval dungeon master?
Keri, handing him another item as she starts to walk down the
street.
KERI
And a tin of altoids.
Jerry puts it all in his pocket and then trying to catch up to
her
JERRY
Ow! Sharp key.
Kramer walks on the street with Newman
KRAMER
So, you're sleeping with Silvio's wife?
NEWMAN
Well, there's very little sleeping going
on.
KRAMER
Well, why didn't you tell me about this?
NEWMAN
Quite frankly, I don't see how it's
any of your business.
KRAMER
Well, it's my business now. Look, I
stuck up for you. Man, if he catches
you, we're both out.
Newman stops under a tree on the street and looking up into it.
NEWMAN
Hey, what is that up that tree?
KRAMER
Hoooh! Man, that looks like a dead bear.
NEWMAN
No, that's a fur coat! Hey, uh, give
me a boost.
Kramer boosting Newman into the tree.
KRAMER
Man, where did you learn to climb trees
like that?
NEWMAN
The Pacific Northwest.
Elaine with Jerry at his apartment.
ELAINE
So, you had to carry some of Keri's
stuff. Big deal.
JERRY
You don't understand. I went on a successful
pocket diet, and I want to keep that
weight off.
Elaine making a bowl of cereal.
ELAINE
You know what? We sell this thing at
Peterman that would be perfect for you.
JERRY
Not more of that crap from the Titanic?
ELAINE
No. No. It's a small men's carryall.
JERRY
I'm not carrying a purse.
Elaine sits down at the table to eat her cereal.
ELAINE
It's not a purse. It's European.
Jerry sits down with Elaine.
JERRY
Oh.
ELAINE
Hey, did George buy Joe Mayo that chair
yet?
Jerry dialing his phone.
JERRY
I don't know.
ELAINE
If I'm gettin' him a new fur, I'm not
chippin' in on a gift, too.
George answering his phone, while still using the massage chair.
GEORGE
Yeah?
JERRY
Hey, George, did you get Joe Mayo that
chair yet?
GEORGE
Not yet. Oh! Ho ho! God...
JERRY
What?
GEORGE
It's in... transit.
ELAINE
Did he get it?
JERRY
No.
ELAINE
Mmm, good. Tell him I'm out.
George (hearing Elaine over the phone) What, she's out?
JERRY
Well, so what? You're gettin' a deal,
right? We'll split it three ways.
GEORGE
Allllll right!
JERRY
What is that noise?
JERRY
You know, sometimes I get the feeling
George isn't being completely honest
with me.
Kramer enters Jerry's apartment and handing Jerry back his pliers.
KRAMER
Hey. Oh, uh, yeah. Uh, here are your
pliers back....Weak hinge.
ELAINE
Well, I guess I better go and price
fur coats.
KRAMER
Oh, go down to 88th Street. They're
free.
ELAINE
What are you talking about?
KRAMER
Well, they're hanging from the trees.
You know, Newman found one there yesterday.
Man, that guy can climb like a ring-tailed
lemur!
Elaine pushing Kramer in her 'get-out!' style.
ELAINE
88th Street? That's where Joe Mayo lives.
That's the coat!
JERRY
What was that pop sound?
KRAMER
Well, I had some hard candy in there.
Newman enters Elaine's apartment.
NEWMAN
So, to what do I owe this unusual invitation?
Elaine taking his coat and then throwing it on the floor.
ELAINE
Come in, come in.
NEWMAN
Ahh! This is very much as I imagined
it to be. Aside from this rattan piece,
which seems oddly out of place.
ELAINE
Please, sit down. Newman, um, I wanted
to talk to you about something.
NEWMAN
This isn't about my opening your mail?
ELAINE
What?
NEWMAN
Because I don't, never have, anything
I read was already open.
ELAINE
Uh, yeah, uh, no. Newman, uh, I heard
that you found a fur coat in a tree.
And, I believe that it belongs to a
friend of mine, and I'd like to give
it back to him.
NEWMAN
Sorry. Climbers, keepers.
ELAINE
You know, Newmie. Um, I know how you
feel about me, and I have to tell you,
I'm quite flattered.
NEWMAN
You are?
ELAINE
Oh, yeah. I mean, of all the men that
I know, you're the only one who's held
down a steady job for several years.
NEWMAN
Well, it's-it's interesting work, I
don't mind it.
ELAINE
Ha ha ha ha.
NEWMAN
Don't you have a-a boyfriend? A, uh,
burly, athletic type?
ELAINE
Uh, don't worry, he's cool.
NEWMAN
Cool?
ELAINE
Very cool. So, what do you say? Can
you do this one little favor, Newmie?
NEWMAN
Oh, how I've waited for this moment.
But alas, my heart belongs to another
man's wife, and I have given the coat
to her.
ELAINE
All right, we're done here.
NEWMAN
For I am in love with Svetlana, and
I don't care if the whole world knows,
except for Silvio, who would throw me
out of the apartment, where I would
be
dancing on the sidewalk--
ELAINE
Thank you, thank you, thank you very
much.
Keri putting her things into Jerry's carryal.
KERIL
Nice carryall.
JERRY
It's European.
KERI
Do you still have my lipstick?
JERRY
Uh, yeah, I think I do. I can never
find anything in here. Ah, here it is.
So, that Joe Mayo throws the worst parties,
doesn't he? So what was your job?
KERI
My job was to keep you away from the
music.
JERRY
What, he doesn't like my taste in music?
KERI
Guess not.
JERRY
You should've been there last year.
I got jiggy with it!
Silvio, running up and knocking on Kramer's door.
SILVIO
Kramer! It's Silvio! Open up, I need
to talk to you! I can see you through
the reverse peephole.
KRAMER
Hey, Silvio!
Silvio holding up a fur coat.
SILVIO
Look at this.
KRAMER
Huh?
SILVIO
Svetlana says she find it in the laundry
room, but I think it is a gift from
that postman agitator. Where is he?
KRAMER
Relax, Silvio.
SILVIO
No, that's it. You're both out of the
building!
KRAMER
Oh, come on! Hey, Newman didn't even
give her that! No, that's not even a
woman's coat. It's a man's!
SILVIO
A man's?
KRAMER
Yeah.
SILVIO
What kind of a man would wear fur?
KRAMER
Oh, lots of 'em.
SILVIO
Would you?
KRAMER
No.
SILVIO
Then who?
KRAMER
What about Jerry?
SILVIO
Jerry?
KRAMER
Yeah, sure, he's a celebrity. Oh, yeah,
they wear a lot of furs. They're desperate,
insecure people.
SILVIO
Yes, you are right. It's all about,
me, me, me. Please, look at me! I am
so pretty! Love me! Want me!
KRAMER
Yeah, something like that.
Jerry in his apartment with Kramer.
JERRY
I have to do what?
KRAMER
All you have to do is wear the fur so
Silvio thinks it's yours.
JERRY
I'm not wearing the fur.
KRAMER
Well, then, Newman and I, we get thrown
out of the building.
JERRY
Is that right?
KRAMER
All right, why don't you just take a
good, hard look at what your life will
be like if I'm not around?
JERRY
Newman, too?
KRAMER
Oh, come on, man! Well, I'll tell you
what, if you do this, I'll give you
that walkman you're always asking about.
JERRY
That's my walkman!
KRAMER
And you'll get it back.
JERRY
All right.
KRAMER
All right. Good, thanks, I owe you one.
GEORGE
Hey.
KRAMER
Oh, hey, and by the way, uh, that walkman
was broke when you gave it to me.
JERRY
George, did you get that chair yet?
GEORGE
It gets here when it gets here. Would
you stop ridin' me?
JERRY
You know what? Just call up and cancel
it. I'm out.
GEORGE
Excuse me?
JERRY
Joe Mayo doesn't like my taste in music.
He's not gettin' a gift from me.
GEORGE
Oh, I can't believe you're dropping
out, too. So now Kramer and I have to
pay for the entire gift?
KRAMER
Whoa, whoa. Now, who's this Joe Mayo
everyone's talking about?
GEORGE
He's the guy we're the buying the chair
for, remember? It was your suggestion.
KRAMER
I think the chair is a fantastic gift
idea. But I never heard of this Joe
Mayo. And frankly, it sounds made up.
GEORGE
Oh, so now I have to buy this whole
chair by myself?
JERRY
No, you don't have to buy anything.
GEORGE
I already bought it! I've been lyin'
to you for three days, and now you're
all screwin' me!
JERRY
I don't understand. Why didn't you tell
us you had it?
GEORGE
I needed it! My back is... a little
tweaked.
JERRY
Because of your giant wallet. Just get
rid of it!
GEORGE
Never! It is a part of me. I will just
return the chair, and it will be easy,
because the receipt is in my good friend.
JERRY
Your good friend is morbidly obese.
GEORGE
Well, at least, I'm not carrying a purse.
JERRY
It's not a purse. It's European!
KRAMER
All right, Silvio's down there. He's
shoveling the walk. Now, all you gotta
do is put this on, you go down to the
corner, you pick up a paper, and you
come
right back.
JERRY
All right.
Kramer puts the coat on Jerry.
KRAMER
There you go.
JERRY
How do I look?
KRAMER
Ahh....
George pulls down a tab from an ad he sees on the street.
GEORGE
Learn guitar, first lesson free? Huh.
(George puts the stub of paper in his wallet, and tries to close
it, everything inside it flies out as the whole wallet explodes)
GEORGE
My receipts! The chair! My tiger poster!
JERRY
Hey, Silvio, just out for a little stroll
in my favorite fur coat.
SILVIO
That is your coat?
JERRY
It sure is.
SILVIO
Kramer says you need it because you're
an entertainer and you're desperate
for attention.
JERRY
That's true.
Kramer giving Jerry his carryal.
KRAMER
Jerry, you forgot your purse.
JERRY
Oh, thanks.
KRAMER
Hey, Silvio, look at Jerry here, prancing
around in his coat with his purse. Yup,
he's a dandy. He's a real fancy boy.
JERRY
Maybe this isn't my coat.
KRAMER
All right, you're not fancy!
SILVIO
No, he's very fancy! Want me, love me!
Shower me with kisses!
Elaine, coming up to them on the street.
ELAINE
Jerry, where'd you get it? That's his
coat.
JERRY
No, it's not. It's mine. I'm a fancy
boy.
ELAINE
No, that's not your coat.
SILVIO
If that is not his coat, whose coat
is it?
ELAINE
It's Joe Mayo's coat.
SILVIO
Who's Joe Mayo?
KRAMER
That must be the man that's sleeping
with your wife.
(A pickpocket runs by, taking Jerry's carryall, while everyone
yells in surprise)
JERRY
Hey! Officer! Someone took my European
carryall!
COP
Your what?
JERRY
The...black, leather...thing with a
strap.
COP
You mean a purse?
JERRY
Yes, a purse. I carry a purse!
Jerry, on the phone with Elaine putting his things back into
his wallet
JERRY
So, Silvio ambushed Joe Mayo?
ELAINE
Yeah, he was waitin' inside his apartment
for him with a sock full of pennies.
JERRY
He should have had a reverse peephole.
Puddy entering Elaine's apartment in a new bright, multi-colored
leather coat.
PUDDY
Hey, Babe.
Elaine hangs up the phone to talk to Puddy.
JERRY
Hello? Hello?
ELAINE
What is that?
PUDDY
It's my new coat.
ELAINE
You ditched the fur?
PUDDY
Yeah, I saw Jerry wearing his. He looked
like a bit of a dandy. Check it out!
8-Ball! You got a question, you ask
the 8-Ball.
ELAINE
You're gonna wear this all the time?
PUDDY
All signs point to 'Yes!'
THE END
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