THE SECRET CODE
Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer
They really got us trained to use that
cash machine now, don't they? We're
just like chickens in an experiment
waiting for that pellet to come down
the chute. You see people at the cash
machine; they're just there. Just, dit
dit dit dit dit dit dit, they're waiting
for the sound, you know the sound, you're
waiting for the sound. That's what we're
trained to hear, the 'here comes the
money' sound, ya know? Flip flip flip
flip flip flip flip. It's exciting,
don't you get excited? It's coming!
It's coming! They're giving me money!
(George and Susan are in George's apartment)
Hey, I gotta get some cash, I'm gonna
run down to the ATM.
Yeah, I better grab some too.
I'll get it for you; just give me your
Yeah, just tell me your code.
(Jerry and George are at the coffee shop)
So why didn't you tell her the code?
No. No way.
George, you're gonna marry this woman.
It says very clearly, 'for your protection,
do not give your secret code to anyone.'
So you're taking relationship advice
from Chemical Bank now?
Why does everything have to be 'us'?
Is there no 'me' left? Why can't there
be some things just for me? Is that
Actually, that's the definition of selfish.
Have you ever given your code to anyone?
No one's ever asked. You want it? It's
Superman's father on Krypton.
Of course. C'mon Georgie, you wanna
tell me. It's eating you up inside.
Sing it, sister.
No. I am not giving my code to anyone
for any reason.
What if my life depended on it?
If you're in some situation where some
fast cash will save your life, I'll
give you the code.
Jerry stands up and begins limping.
What's the matter with your leg?
My foot fell asleep.
How'd your foot fall asleep?
I crossed my legs, I forgot to alternate.
A friend of George and Jerry's walks up to the table.
My foot fell asleep.
You're lucky, at least you got something
Elaine walks in.
Fred, do you know Elaine?
No, it's nice to meet you. Well, I'm
outta here, see you guys.
Did you hear that? He said, 'nice to
So? We've met before. At Katie Ash's
party, we talked for like ten
And he didn't remember you?
Elaine gets up to leave.
Where are you going, you just got here?
I gotta go talk to him.
Elaine catches up to Fred on the street.
Excuse me, excuse me, Fred?
You just said, 'nice to meet you', but
actually we've met before.
Yeah, at Katie Ash's party?
What was your name again?
Elaine. You don't remember our conversation?
I talked about how my
uncle worked in the book depository building with Lee Harvey
Not ringing a bell.
When my uncle said to him, 'the president's
been shot' Oswald winked at
him and said, 'I'm gonna go catch a movie'?
That was right when we were in front
of the bathroom door.
The bathroom door. I remember someone
had played tic-tac-toe on it, and
the X's won; they went diagonally from the top left to the bottom
Jerry's apartment, Jerry is on the phone.
Hey that sounds great, I'd love to do
some TV commercials, that should
really be fun.
Kramer enters holding a police scanner.
Uh huh, okay, alright, bye. Huh, how
do you like that? I'm gonna do
some TV spots for Leapin' Larry's Appliance Store. That was Leapin'
himself, I'm gonna meet with him tomorrow.
Leapin' Larry! Yeah, that's where I
What is that?
Well, it's an emergency band scanner,
it picks up everything: Fires,
harbor patrol, even the police. I'm watching the watchers, Jerry.
Uh oh, we
got a big fire on 115th. I tell ya if could do it over again,
I'd give it all up
to be a fireman.
Yeah, those civil servants who risk
their lives really got it made.
When I was a kid, all I ever dreamed
of was steering the back of that
big hook and ladder.
You're lucky they let you drive a car.
No no no, they're talking the West Side
Highway, at this time of day
that's insane. They're heading straight into gridlock. Oh, those
Kramer runs out, Elaine enters.
What was that?
(waving his arm in dismissal) Eh.
Alright. So, get a load of this. This
guy, Fred Yerkes, remembers
every little thing about that night except me.
Really? I'm surprised, he doesn't meet
that many women.
What are you saying?
Well, what's to be said? He didn't remember
Yeah, but why? I mean, ya know.
Yeah, I know.
Huh, lookit, you got the new catalog.
Yeah, you wrote a good piece on the
Himalayan Walking Shoe.
Too good. Peterman was so pleased, now
he wants to take me out to
dinner tomorrow. Maybe you wanna come with me.
Why would I wanna do that?
Oh please, Jerry, please please please,
I can't sit with him, he tells
these stories, it's gonna be awful.
Yeah, sounds like fun.
George and Susan are at George's apartment.
I want you to tell me, George.
Why? Why is my code so important?
Because, it's part of our relationship,
it's an indication of trust.
We're not supposed to keep secrets from one another.
Well I'm sure you have secrets from
me. I don't know anything about
Yeah, I never know what's going on there.
Well from now on I'll keep you apprised
of my cycles.
We're out of Bosco!
Jerry and Leapin' Larry are in the office at the appliance store.
Howbout this, come one down to Leapin'
Parry's if you can beat our
prices, we'll give you the store.
Ya know I've always liked your comedy,
you don't take cheap
No I don't.
Sorry for keeping you here so long.
Again, I apologize for the
mess. This renovation is killing me.
My foot's asleep again!
Leapin' Larry walks out from behind his desk, he has a severe
When I lost my leg in the boating accident,
I got so depressed
about this damn prosthetic I thought I was gonna have to give
up the business.
But now I'm rejuvenated. Let me show you around the store.
You know what? I'll be with you in a
Jerry stands and begins to 'walk off' his sleeping foot. A Leapin'
employee begins laughing.
That is a great impression!
Leapin' Larry walks in, sees Jerry, and is obviously disappointed.
Larry, wait, you don't understand!
Jerry and Kramer are in Jerry's apartment.
I just came from Leapin' Larry's. Making
fun of crippled people, is
that what you've sunk to?
I didn't do it on purpose, my foot fell
Oh, oh your foot fell asleep.
Ya know, the guy has one leg and he
still calls himself Leapin' Larry,
you'd think he had a sense of humor about it.
Well, you just joked yourself right
out of that commercial, didn't you,
Jerry's door buzzer rings, Jerry presses the button.
A news bulletin is shown on the TV.
Boy, look at that. Se that's that fire
I was listening to yesterday.
Wow, the whole building burned down.
They just don't know what street to
take. You remember that time I got
us to Yankee Stadium in rush hour in fifteen minutes?
It's all up here, Jerry. All up here.
The amazing thing is you never have
any place to go.
Kramer leaves, George enters.
Where we gonna eat?
We're gonna meet Elaine and Peterman
at the Chinese place.
Peterman? Nobody mentioned anything
Of course not, if I did would you have
There you go.
I don't even know Peterman. How the
hell am I gonna relax? I'm gonna
have to be on all night. I don't like being on, Jerry, I would
much rather be
Trust me, you're off.
Elaine bumps into Fred on the street.
Oh, hi Fred.
Oh yeah, yeah, right.
How ya doin'?
I'm depressed. I got this new shirt,
the button fell off. Once the
button falls off, that's it. I'll never fix it.
Yeah, that's too bad.
Yeah, I'm gonna get some vitamins, I
Hmm. I never take them.
Cause they make you nauseous, right?
Yeah! Yeah, that's right, you remembered!
Do you wanna have dinner tonight?
What, you have other plans?
No, no no no, none that I can, um, remember.
Jerry and George enter a Chinese restaurant, we pick them up
...Alright, you're locked up in a prison
in Turkey, I have your wallet.
The only way I can bribe the guards to get you out is for you
to give me your
Call the Embassy.
We're in Turkey?
Midnight Express, my friend.
My card won't work there; they're not
on the Plus system.
Mr. Peterman walks in.
You must be Jerry Seinfeld.
Yes, hi, Mr. Peterman. This is, uh,
Well, is Elaine here?
Oh, Elaine just called, she won't be
joining us. Not to worry, I'll
tell the maitre'd it'll just be the three bulls.
What's going on? He still wants to have
dinner with us?
Without Elaine? What for?
What, is he crazy?
We gotta get out of here. Come on; weave
your web, liar man.
I've got nothing, I-I-I-I'm blank.
George, what's the matter with you?
Ah, Fong has been most accommodating.
Actually, you know I just remembered
I promised this comedy club that
I'd do a set tonight, so, terribly sorry.
I understand, no hard feelings. George
and I will miss your company.
Fong? It will just be two this evening. George, we dine.
Elaine is waiting on the street.
I can't believe this, is this guy standing
George and Peterman are eating dinner. Peterman is in mid-story.
...And there, tucked into the river's
bend was the object of my
search. The Gwon-Jaya River market, fabrics and spices traded
under a starlit
sky. It was there that I discovered the Pamplona beret. Sizes
through eight-and-three-quarters. Price? Thirty-five dollars.
Howbout sports? Do you follow sports?
Jerry's apartment, Jerry has his feet up and a big bowl of popcorn
beside him on
It's fourth and inches and the Giants
are going for it! You
gotta love sports!
Peterman is driving George home.
You know, this is very nice, but I really
could take a cab. Really.
Ha ha, nonsense, George. Besides it
gives me a chance to tell you
about my latest trip to Burma where I discovered a very unusual
The car phone rings, Peterman answers.
Peterman here. What? Oh no. Alright,
I'll be right there. (To
George) It's my mother; she's at death's door. I just pray to
God we can make
it there in time.
Peterman makes a quick u-turn, pushing George's face into the
Elaine is on the phone with Jerry.
I can't believe you blew us off; we
were doing you the favor.
Well, Fred asked me out.
Yeah, and then he stood me up. I don't
get this guy.
You see what's going on here? You're
attracted to him because he can't
remember anything about you.
I am? But that's so sick.
That's God's plan. He doesn't really
want anyone to get together.
Anyway, so how was the dinner?
Well, when I heard you weren't coming
I made up and excuse and got the
hell out of there.
What about Georgie?
Nah, he didn't make it.
Peterman's mother's house. She's in bed; Peterman is consulting
Doctor, how is she?
She's too weak to talk but she'll be
happy to hear your voice.
Mama, it's me. Jacopo. I'm here for
She looks off in George's direction.
I'm, uh, George Costanza. I was having
dinner with your son.
Peterman's mother's apartment. George is sleeping in a chair
with a coat
covering him. Peterman wakes him up.
Shake off the dew, my friend.
Yeah. What time is it?
It's morning. Thanks for seeing me through
the night. I'll make us
a pot of coffee, George. Watch her, won't you?
Momma. Just talk to her, George. The
doctor seems to think it
Peterman leaves, George attempts conversation.
Hi. I-I really should be getting back
to my fiancÚ, you know, we, uh,
we had this big fight yesterday and, uh, well she, she wants
to-to know my
secret code. I-I don't know, I can't tell her. The funny thing
is, you know, I
would really love to tell someone 'cause it's killing me. You
uh, you wanna
know what it is? It's Bosco. You know, the chocolate syrup? I
stuff, I pour it in milk, it's my favorite drink. Hoo-hoo, boy,
that is a
George" Quiet, quiet! It's a secret.
Bosco! Bosco! Bosco!
Shut up! Shut up!
Peterman runs in.
Momma! What are you trying to say?
Mrs. Peterman falls back in bed and closes her eyes.
She's gone. Bosco?
Peterman looks at George, who shrugs.
George and Jerry are in Jerry's apartment.
You know this whole thing never would
have happened if you hadn't
bailed out on me at the restaurant.
I did not bail out on you.
Well why couldn't you include me in
Why didn't you come up with your own?
I froze. I think I'm losing it.
Ah, c'mon. Maybe you're just in a slump?
No, no. I reached down and there was
Now Peterman wants me to go to the funeral.
Oh, come on, just tell me your code
already. What is it?
I am not giving you my code.
I'll bet I can guess it.
Pssh. Yeah. Right.
Oh, alright. Yeah. Uh, let's see. Um,
well, we can throw out
birthdays immediately. That's too obvious. And no numbers for
you, you're a
word man. Alright, let's go deeper. Uh, what kind of man are
you're weak, spineless, a man of temptations, but what tempts
You're a portly fellow, a bit long in
the waistband. So what's your
pleasure? Is it the salty snacks you crave? No no no no no, yours
is a sweet
Get out of here.
Oh you may stray, but you'll always
return to your dark master, the
No, and only the
purest syrup nectar can satisfy you!
I gotta go.
If you could you'd guzzle it by the
gallon! Ovaltine! Hershey's!
Elaine and George are at the funeral.
What was that?
You just checked your watch. Are you
thinking of bailing on him?
I got a date.
Mr. Peterman walks up.
Oh, Mr. Peterman.
Oh, Elaine. George, when momma said
'Bosco' she must have been
trying to communicate something, a legacy, a dying wish perhaps.
Mothers say things. My mother goes babbling
on and on like a crazy
Mr. Peterman, you have my deepest sympathies.
gotta get going.
Uh, yes, actually we-we both do.
I have a personal commitment.
Well, personal, I mean, we both uh...
What is it?
I'm speaking at a women's' rights conference.
Yes, and I'm speaking at a men's' conference.
I don't believe that for a minute. Well,
Elaine, it was good of you
to stop by.
Fortunately, I still have George here
to help me through this.
You know George, growing up as a boy
in Costa Rica, I heard a rumor
that momma had taken a lover. Perhaps Bosco was this man's name.
Kramer busts in to Jerry's apartment, Jerry is putting on a jacket.
Hey, you wanna come down the fire station
Yeah, I made a map of my shortcuts.
I'm gonna rock their world!
Nah, I gotta go down to Leapin' Larry's.
Oh, so he took you back.
Yeah, we straightened it out, all is
Well, you know the important thing is
that you learned something.
No I didn't.
Kramer is at the fire station, talking with the Captain.
Well, Mr. Kramer, your list of short
cuts is most impressive.
Yeah, and this is just the Upper West
Side. Wait until I get to the
Village, then you're gonna see a magic show.
Mr. Kramer, just about every week some
brash young hothead like
yourself saunters in here talking about faster routes and snazzier
the trucks, well, fact is we feel things are fine the way they
Jerry is back at Leapin' Larry's.
Anyway, thanks for having me back, and
sorry about the misunderstanding.
Water under the bridge. Come on, I never
did get a chance to
show you around the store.
Jerry stands up to find his leg is asleep.
Uh, again? (Limping towards the door)
I'll be right there.
Jerry stomps his foot on the floor a few times before he leaves,
bumps a paint can which knocks over a can of flammable liquid
which spills onto
some exposed electrical wires causing a fire.
Back at the fire station, the alarm is ringing.
Attention Company 390, structure fire
at Leapin' Larry's Appliance
Leapin' Larry's? Hey, that's uptown.
You gotta take Amsterdam.
Stay out of this, Kramer.
Kramer sees the firemen slide down the pole and he gives it a
try. As he lands
he bumps one of the firemen into the truck, then to the floor
in a daze.
Are you ok, cowboy? Where do you need
I drive the back of the truck.
Kramer's face lights up.
Well, you'd better take it easy.
Kramer grabs a coat and helmet and heads towards the back of
Elaine and Fred are having dinner.
Sorry about the other night but my mother
called, she couldn't find her
pills. I had to go into Brooklyn to help her find her pills,
and they were
right there in the medicine cabinet. Could you believe that?
The worst part is getting from the subway
station to the house. There's
What am I doing? I'm on a date with
this guy because he
didn't remember me? He's demented, listen to him...
...I could have taken a cab but if my
mother saw me pull up in a cab,
she'd start yelling at me, "Freddy! What are taking a cab for?
expensive!" She's out of her mind. Eventually, you'll meet her.
George and Peterman are sitting beside the casket.
Bosco. Bosco. Bosco.
There's a big fire down the street, the whole block is going
up in flames!
Peterman gets up and runs towards the door, he stops and looks
back. George is
still sitting on the couch, looking up and shaking his head.
Inside the speeding fire engine.
Gonna make a left onto Broadway.
No, I would advise against that.
Who is this?
Quick cut to Kramer driving the back of the fire truck.
Kramer?! What the hell are you doing
DeSoto's down, but Cosmo's got the caboose.
Outside Leapin' Larry's. Jerry is helping bring out appliances
as smoke pours
from the building. A woman approaches Jerry.
How did this start?
Where the hell's the fire department?
I'm gonna lose the whole
Cut back to Kramer on the truck.
Kramer, get the hell off of there. You're
not trained to operate this
MAN ON THE STREET
Cut back to Leapin' Larry's.
Try the scanner, see if you can pick
Jerry turns on the scanner.
What are you doing, Kramer?! You're
all over the road!
Don't worry, Cap, I can handle it!
Cut to Kramer losing control of the truck.
You're losing control! Hard right! Hard
Cut to Jerry holding the scanner. he hears screaming, a crashing
Ah, that's a shame.
George and Peterman lead a group of people down a smoke filled
The fire will eat up this entire block!
They come upon an ATM vestibule.
Look, there's a man in there. Get out
of there, you're in danger!
But my sleeve, it's stuck in the machine,
it ate my card!
George, give me your ATM card!
I don't have my ATM card.
George, you're obviously lying, anyone
can see that!
George pulls out his wallet, Peterman grabs the card, fits it
into the slot and
tries the door.
It's jammed! I'll slide it under the
The man grabs the card and slams it into the machine.
Now give me your code!
The machine won't open without the code!
George, give him your code!
George, there's no time! Tell him your
code! Shout out your code,
The code!! The code!!
George and Jerry are watching TV at George's, Susan walks in
and drops some mail
on the coffee table.
Hi. Here's your cash, George.
And here's your card back. Anyone for
Oh my god. Look at this.
It's the new J. Peterman catalog. Look.
(Jerry hands the catalog to George.)
The Rogue's Wallet. That's where he
kept his card, his dirty little secret.
Short, devious, balding. his name was
Costanza. He killed my mother.