THE SECRETARY
Written by
Carol Leifer & Marjorie Gross
(Comedy club)
I don't even know what, what is supposed to be attractive about
fur?
Why does a man want to see a woman in a fur? Men want women to
shave their legs, shave their armpits, pluck their eyebrows and then
before we go out, we dress them up like a bear.
To me the only reason to wear fur, would be if you were trying
to sneak up on another animal. Did you ever see those tribal hunters where
they wear the fur and then they had the other animals, head on top
of their head? You know I'm sure there's a moose looking at that going,
Yeah, that looks real good. Yeah, I'm gonna turn my back on this goof
ball with the extra head. Because there's nothing fishy going on there.
I'll just keep drinking from the stream. I've seen a lot of two-headed
tigers with knees.
Exterior of a Dry Cleaners -- then inside where Jerry and George
are talking, Jerry is holding a few items, waiting to drop them off
to be dry cleaned.
GEORGE
Well I am actually going to have a secretary
and I get to do the
interview.
JERRY
That's incredible. Six months ago you
were taking messages for
your mother.
GEORGE
Yeah, and now someone's going to be
taking messages for me.
JERRY
From your mother.
(George & Jerry turn and move closer to the counter as a few
customers
leave the store.)
JERRY
So this ah, woman you plan on hiring,
is she going to be in the
Spokes model category?
GEORGE
Sure. I could go the tomato route. But
eh, I've given this a
lot of thought Jerry. All that frustration. I'll never get any
work
done. So I'm doing a complete 360. I'm going for total efficiency
and
ability.
JERRY
That's a 180, George.
GEORGE
Whatever.
(Jerry turns and walks up to the counter. George wonders about
the
lobby area)
JERRY
Hi Willie.
WILLIE
Hey Jerry.
JERRY
I got this stuff and ah my mother's
fur coat for storage.
WILLIE
What are you doing with it?
JERRY
Ah, she keeps it in my apartment for
when she comes up from
Florida.
DONNA
Hi.
JERRY
Hi.
WILLIE
Hey Jerry, you know my wife “Donna”.
JERRY
Yeah, that's why I said “hi”.
(Donna smiles and walks away)
WILLIE
Hey, nice jacket. (looking over the
jacket)
JERRY
Thanks. It's Hounds-Tooth.
WILLIE
Whoa, this is a beauty. Great cut. It's
probably very
flattering.
JERRY
Oh yes, it really accentuates my bust
line.
Daylight exterior shot of Yankee Stadium, then to George Costanza's
office where he is interviewing an attractive applicant for his
secretary job.
APPLICANT
Well, I type about 90 words a minute.
I'm completely
well-versed in all IBM and Macintosh programs.
GEORGE
(looking over her resume) Well Miss
Coggins you're ah, obviously
qualified for the job. You've all the necessary skills and experience.
But you're extremely attractive. you're gorgeous. I'm looking
at you,
I can't even remember my name. So ah, I'm afraid this is not
going to
work out (he crumples her resume into a ball) Thanks for coming
in.
(the camera is now back on the applicant's seat, but another
even more
attractive woman is seated there)
GEORGE
You're luscious. You're ravishing. I
would give up red meat
just to get a glimpse of you in a bra. I'm terribly sorry. (both
George and the attractive female applicant stand up as George
reaches
across the desk and shakes her hand for coming in)
(A very plain looking applicant now sits across from george)
ADE
As you can see my references are impeccable.
I think I'd be a real
asset here. My only concern is, I do take care of my mother.
So will
there be any late nights?
GEORGE
I can't imagine.
Exterior shot of Jerry's apartment, then inside where Elaine
is holding
a garment bag and talking with Jerry.
ELAINE
Ok, So Barney's is having this huge
sale. I try this dress on
-- (holds the garment bag out towards Jerry) -- Stunning. Stunning.
I
couldn't take my eyes off myself.
JERRY
Yeah.
ELAINE
OK, so then I put it on at home. It
looks like I'm carrying
twins.
JERRY
So you're saying, Store -- Hotsy-Totsy,
Home-- Hotsy-Notsy.
ELAINE
Yeah exactly. Anyway I've got to go
over there and return it.
JERRY
I thought we were going to the movies?
ELAINE
All right I'll try it on again. You
tell me what you think.
(she turns and goes into the bedroom to change clothes)
(George Enters)
GEORGE
Hey hey.
ELAINE
Hey George
GEORGE
Hey Elaine. (George hangs up his raincoat
next to the door) I'm
telling you Jerry, having a secretary is incredible. (George
claps
hands) I don't know why I didn't have one before.
JERRY
Because you didn't have a job?
GEORGE
Perhaps. (hehe) I walk in, everything
is organized -- messages,
appointments. And I can't tell you how proud I am of myself for
going
with Ade.
JERRY
A lesser man would have crumbled. They
would have gone for the
“dish” and the sure fire sexual-harassment suit.
(Elaine walks back into the living room, modeling the dress,
arms
extended straight out from her sides, elbows bent, with the look
on her
face that says, huh ... what do you think? -- She walks towards
George
and Jerry)
JERRY
It's a little ...
ELAINE
All Right! (throws arms down) You answered
it right there.
JERRY
You got no waist in that thing.
GEORGE
You arms look like something hanging
in a kosher deli.
ELAINE
I said, All Right.
GEORGE
Well wha'd you buy it for?
ELAINE
Why did I buy it, because in the mirror,
at Barney's, I looked
fabulous. This woman was just walking by said I looked like Demi
Moore
in Indecent Proposal.
JERRY
How fast was she walking?
(Elaine heads for the bedroom to change out of the dress, turns
and
looks at Jerry)
GEORGE
Demi? I thought it was Demi?
JERRY
No. I think it's Demi.
GEORGE
Really? I never heard of a semi tractor-trailer.
(Jerry nods
in agreement)
(Elaine walks back in, still in the dress)
ELAINE
Wait a minute (claps hands) Wait a minute.
I know what's going
on here. Skinny Mirrors! (she pushes George and Jerry in their
respective chests, with her arms extended -- one arm for each
of them --
they recoil with surprise)
JERRY
What?
ELAINE
Skinny Mirrors! Barney's has Skinny
Mirrors, they make you
look, like, 10 pounds lighter.
JERRY
Oh, you're crazy.
ELAINE
Am I? (hands on hips) Do you think I
would have bought this
dress if I looked like this at Barney's?
GEORGE
(to Jerry, as Jerry nods in agreement)
You know I think she
might have something there.
(Kramer enters, seeing Elaine -- his head and upper body lurches
backwards)
KRAMER
Whoa. What are you all dressed up for?
ELAINE
Oh I'm returning this dress to Barney's.
KRAMER
Good idea.
JERRY
Do it tomorrow. Well go to the movies.
ELAINE
Yeah yeah, ok.
KRAMER
Hey look, if you're going there, maybe
you could pick me up some
of this super hydrating, it's a total-protection moisturizer
with Uva.
ELAINE
Moisturizer? That's girls stuff.
KRAMER
No no, look. I'll tell you what -- they're
having a sale right.
ELAINE
yeah.
KRAMER
I'll meetcha down there, well have lunch.
ELAINE
Well we could ...
KRAMER
Well, we'll get to know each other.
We never get to spend any
time together. Oh sure we have our little group here, but ...
(he looks
and gestures out towards George and Jerry, as Elaine walks back
into
the bedroom to change out of the dress -- Kramer scratches his
head in
sort of disbelief)
Daylight exterior shot of Yankee Stadium, then to George Costanza's
office, he stands in front of a wall calendar, as Ade, his new
secretary
takes down notes as to what George is saying.
GEORGE
And then assuming the strike is resolved,
on April 14th, we, ah,
play the Angels. So let's clear a floor at the Anaheim Hotel.
ADE
Anaheim Hotel. (George picks up a container
of chinese food from
the credenza) You may want to reconsider. I believe they only
have
room service until 10 P.M. and then it's only finger foods.
GEORGE
Ade, you're a wonder. (he he -- george
laughs)
ADE
OK, now I projected some of those figures
for you regarding the
switch to Canola oil for the stadium popcorn and surprisingly
it will
only come to 1/2 a cent more per bag, so it is definitely doable.
GEORGE
Ade, I have to tell you, I, I have never
met anybody so ...
efficient.
ADE
Well thank you, I'm flattered.
GEORGE
I mean you're just, you're just a marvel
of organization.
ADE
Well I'm just, hm, doing my job.
GEORGE
It's like I'm thinking of something,
and you're (snaps fingers)
one step ahead of me.
ADE
What can I say? I'm ... I'm good at
what I do. (smiling and
quietly laughing proudly)
GEORGE
(coyly, he looks down and runs his finger
along the top of the
chair back in front of him) Do you, uh ... do you know what I'm
...
thinking about now?
ADE
(thinking about the question, she stops
writing) Yes, I think I
do. (she turns her head slowly and looks directly at him)
GEORGE
Is it, uh, doable?
ADE
It's definitely doable.
(Ade throws her note pad and pencil in to the air, along with
her
glasses. George grabs his glasses and takes them from his face
and
throws them on the couch as he and Ade embrace in a frantic kiss
and
slither down to the floor between the desk and the couch -- the
camera
cannot see them on the floor)
Outside a movie theater (The Paragon) Jerry and Elaine have exited
the
theater and are walking slowly and then stop to talk, as other
movie
goers leave the theater behind them - in the background, there
is a line
of people waiting to buy tickets for the next show.
JERRY
Well, that was the worst.
ELAINE
I can't believe they made the Wife the
killer. (putting on
gloves) Gimme a break.
MAN
(waiting in line for tickets, he overhears
Elaine) Hey, give us a
break. We haven't seen it yet. Thanks a lot big mouth!
ANOTHER MAN
(waiting in line, closer to the box
office) Yeah! (in
agreement with the other guy)
(Kramer rushes up to Elaine and Jerry)
KRAMER
You got a pen?
JERRY
Yeah, I think I do.
KRAMER
And I need something to write on.
JERRY
Well, all I got is my dry-cleaning stub.
KRAMER
I gust met Uma Therman. She's giving
me her telephone number.
Uma Jerry, Uma.
JERRY
Uma Therman? Really?
KRAMER
Yeah.
ELAINE
How'd you manage that.
KRAMER
Yeah well I don't have any time to talk
now. (he rushes back
into the theater)
JERRY
He's got the Kavorca. (looking towards
the theater door, Jerry
notices one of the movie goers) Hey, isn't that Willie, my dry-cleaner?
ELAINE
Where?
JERRY
He just went in. You know, I think he
was wearing my
Hounds-Tooth jacket.
ELAINE
What would he be doing wearing your
jacket?
JERRY
It looked just like the jacket I brought
in to be dry-cleaned.
He complimented me on it.
ELAINE
Are you sure?
(Kramer walks up, smiling gleefully)
KRAMER
I got it. Uma, Uma, Uma. (looking at
the ticket)
ELAINE
You are amazing.
KRAMER
Yeah, all right. Taxi's on me. (he walks
off camera)
Exterior shot of Yankee Stadium at dusk and then to George Costanza's
office. (moaning) George and Ade are struggling to kneel and
undress
while kissing.
ADE
Ah no no no no no. A better way to reach
the bra would be to undo
the jacket, then go around the back of the shirt.
GEORGE
Ade you are incredible
(as he unbuttons her jacket, they fall to the floor again --
the camera
cannot see them between the desk and the couch -- we see over
George's
desk, keyboard, manila folders and then we see Ade's shoe in
the air
above the desk)
ADE
Oh ...oh ...oh ... Here, I want to show
you something. Hand me
that pillow.
(we see George's head and arm above the desk ridge, he grabs
a pillow
from the couch and hands it to Ade. Her arm pulls him back down
to her
on the ground)
GEORGE
What? Oh, My God!
ADE
Mr. CO STAN ZA!
GEORGE
Ade, ahh, ahh, ah ... I'm giving you
a raise!
Exterior shot of the restaurant (Monks) then inside. George and
Jerry
are sitting in the normal booth.
JERRY
So you're having sex and then all of
a sudden, you just blurt out
“I'm giving you a raise.”
GEORGE
Yeah.
JERRY
Just a quick sidebar here -- are you
in anyway authorized to give
raises?
GEORGE
Not that I'm aware of, no.
JERRY
So you're so grateful to have sex, that
you'll just shout out
anything that comes into your head.
GEORGE
I didn't think ahead.
JERRY
Well maybe she'll just think it was
bawdy talk.
GEORGE
I didn't say any other bawdy things.
JERRY
Maybe you could have sex with her again
and then take it back.
GEORGE
All right, you know you're not any help
at all here. I don't
know what even the point is of talking to you anymore.
(they stand up from their seats at the booth)
JERRY
All right, all right. I'm sorry.
GEORGE
Yeah, well, I guess the only thing I
can do is go into George
Steinbrenner's office and tell him he has to give her a raise.
JERRY
How long has she been there?
GEORGE
3 days.
JERRY
It's almost a week.
(Jerry picks up several items of clothing from the booth, in
their
dry-cleaning bags -- He is wearing his Hounds-Tooth jacket. George
and
Jerry walk over to the cash register to pay for lunch. At the
register,
Jerry reaches into his Hounds-Tooth jacket pocket, he pulls out
a movie
stub)
JERRY
Oh, My god.
GEORGE
What?
JERRY
It's a movie stub from the 9:30 show.
George, I think Willie the
dry-cleaner has been wearing my clothes.
Commercial
Exterior shot of Barney's department store, street scene with
store
windows. Then inside to Elaine, Kramer and the Barney's sales
associate -- they stand in the women's clothing dept. (Zelda
is the name
of the clothing line on the wall), outside of the dressing room
area.
Elaine is wearing the dress she plans on returning.
ELAINE
These mirrors are skinny mirrors. This
is false ...
reflecting. And I think, that the department of ... you know,
whatever,
would be very interested to know what's going on here.
something else.
ELAINE
OK fine. (smiling) I did like that little
Calvin Klein number
right by the elevator. You know the little ... (motions in the
direction of the elevator)
ELAINE
Ok thanks so much. (the Barney's sales
associate turns and walks
away. Elaine turns to Kramer as he admires himself in the mirror)
What
are you all dressed up for?
KRAMER
Well Elaine, when you're shopping on
Madison Avenue, you don't
want to skip on the, swank.
ELAINE
I like your little bag.
KRAMER
Huh, oh hey, look at this. (he pulls
a little tube out of the
bag) It's the super hydrating, triple-action moisturizer, hmm.
ELAINE
Huh.
(Kramer opens the moisturizer and squeezes some onto his palm)
KRAMER
Wait till that Uma smells this Uva.
(Elaine walks away into the dressing from area. Kenny Bania enters
the
clothing dept.)
BANIA
Hey Kramer.
KRAMER
Hey Bania, what's happening? (Kramer,
looking into the mirror,
is putting moisturizer under his eyes)
BANIA
I'm looking for a new suit. I can't
find anything I like.
That's a nice suit. (admiring Kramer's suit)
KRAMER
Well, thank you.
BANIA
Did you get that here?
KRAMER
No, this is vintage. They don't make
this stuff anymore.
BANIA
You're telling me.
KRAMER
I sure am.
BANIA
It's hard for me to find pants that
--
KRAMER
(interrupting Bania) That don't make
you look high-waisted.
BANIA
Yes
KRAMER
Me too.
BANIA
What size are you?
KRAMER
Uh, 42.
BANIA
42, That's what I am now. I've been
working out, I'm huge.
How'd you like to sell it?
KRAMER
make me an offer.
BANIA
100 Bucks
KRAMER
Surely you jest. (walks away from Bania)
BANIA
175
KRAMER
Look at the stitching (takes the jacket
off to show Bania) This
is old world craftsmanship.
BANIA
300 dollars.
KRAMER
Sold. Follow me into the dressing room.
BANIA
You throw the shirt in?
KRAMER
Bania, you're killing me.
BANIA
Hey that's the women's dressing room.
KRAMER
There's nothing in there that I haven't
seen before.
Daylight exterior shot of Yankee Stadium (Louisville Slugger)
then to
George Steinbrenner's office. The camera is behind Steinbrenner,
looking towards the door.
GEORGE
(Opens the door, looks in and then knocks
5 times) Mr.
Steinbrenner, (waves) can I talk to you for a second?
STEINBRENNER
Yes yes George. Can you talk to me for
a second? Of
course you can -- I'm a very accessible man. I just wanted to
say
you're doing great work on that Canola oil stuff.
GEORGE
Well, you know, to be honest sir --
my, my new secretary Ade,
came up with that one.
STEINBRENNER
Ade, Ade, I like that name George.
GEORGE
She supports her whole family. (walking
slowly into the room)
STEINBRENNER
Is that a fact George?
GEORGE
Yes, In fact, her mother is in the hospital
right now. It's
some kind of a Diverticulitis. (he continues walking slowly towards
Steinbrenner's desk)
STEINBRENNER
I had a bout of that myself one time
-- knocked me right
on my ass.
GEORGE
She can't even afford to go out to lunch.
She's been eating in
a high school cafeterias She pretends to be a teacher. It's pathetic.
STEINBRENNER
What's that cost her, like, two and
a quarter? ($2.25)
GEORGE
You know what I was just thinking --
she could really use a
raise.
(Telephone rings -- Steinbrenner reaches for the receiver)
STEINBRENNER
You know, she'd be better off making
a sandwich at home
and bringing it in. (picks up the telephone hand set) Hello,
ah, George
will you excuse me.
Daylight exterior shot of Barney's department store windows,
with
traffic driving by -- then to Elaine in the dressing room --
she is
almost done dressing in the Calvin Klein dress.
Kramer climbs up the wall of his dressing room adjacent to Elaine's
--
we see his head, top of his bare chest, arm and both hands over
the top
of Elaine's' dressing room wall -- he is looking down at her.
KRAMER
Psst. Hey.
(Elaine is startled and tries to cover her top, which is mostly
covered
from the dress she is putting on)
ELAINE
Kramer, what are you doing here?
KRAMER
Listen, I need you to get me some clothes.
ELAINE
What?
KRAMER
Yeah, I just sold my suit to Bania for
a cool three-hundred.
ELAINE
So go buy a new one.
KRAMER
What, at this place? It would destroy
my whole profit margin.
ELAINE
So.
KRAMER
Listen do me a favor -- just call Jerry,
tell him to bring me
some clothes.
ELAINE
Ouhhh (Kramer disappears back behind
his wall as Elaine opens
the dressing room door)
Exterior shot of the Dry Cleaners store front, then to the interior
--
Jerry enters as a female customer is leaving the counter with
her
dry-cleaning .
JERRY
Hello, Willie.
WILLIE
Hey, Jerry. You dropping off?
JERRY
No, but ah, seen any good movies lately?
WILLIE
You came by to ask that?
JERRY
Yeah. Specifically 9:30 shows. Seen
any good 9:30 shows at the
Paragon, Willie?
WILLIE
What are you gettin at?
JERRY
I saw you the other night stepping out
with my Hounds-Tooth
jacket.
WILLIE
Jerry that's a breach of the dry-cleaner's
code.
JERRY
You need a code to tell you not to wear
peoples' clothes
WILLIE
I wasn't wearing your jacket. Jerry
you're imagining things.
(he makes the circular motion next to his ears - the international
symbol for “insane”)
JERRY
Yeahhh, am I imagining this? (he whips
out the movie stub and
holds it up to Willie) Found this little cutie in the pocket.
(throws
the stub on the counter)
WILLIE
Jerry.
JERRY
Yeah, Yeah. Well, now that we understand
each other -- I'll be
taking my business elsewhere. And I want my mother's fur coat
back too.
WILLIE
Jerry, come on.
JERRY
Now.
WILLIE
Now? (Willie looks off with his eyes
to his left -- he is
thinking about his wife Donna)
(Shot of Donna wearing the fur coat, standing at a hot dog stand,
eating
a hot dog)
JERRY
Yeah. I want that coat. (Jerry opens
his wallet, looking for
the dry-cleaning ticket)
WILLIE
Well ... ahh. (apprehensively)
JERRY
Where's that ticket? Oh, Kramer.
WILLIE
Wait, you, you mean to tell me you don't
have a ticket for the
coat?
JERRY
No, not on me.
WILLIE
Well, I, I need to see that ticket.
JERRY
Why? I've got my cleaning before without
a ticket.
WILLIE
Yeah, but this is different. Those fur
storage warehouses are
huge. You can't, get anything without a number.
JERRY
All right, I'll be back.
Elaine inside Barney's, she stands in front of a full length
mirror.
The sales associate behind her, giving advice on the dress.
ELAINE
Yeah it looks good here, but what does
that mean?
ELAINE
I don't know, I have to think about
it. (the sales associate
walks away) I need a nonpartisan mirror.
(Elaine looks around, like she is trying not to be noticed and
walks out
of the clothing dept.)
Daytime exterior of Yankee Stadium, then inside to George Costanza's
office.
ADE
I can't thank you enough, Mr. Costanza.
I'm so grateful
GEORGE
Yes, well, I sat down with Mr. Steinbrenner.
I told him you
have been doing great work. I said that you deserved a raise,
and if
you didn't get it, that I, was leaving. (motions with both arms
in a
circular motion to his right)
ADE
It was just so generous.
GEORGE
Oh, well, don't worry about it -- he's
got plenty of money.
(spins his chair away from her)
ADE
Oh I know, but Twenty Five Thousand.
GEORGE
(spins his chair back to face her) So
you got a $25,000 a year
raise.
ADE
Yes, I tell you, Mr. Steinbrenner...
GEORGE
You're making more than I am.
ADE
I am?
GEORGE
What are you doing? You're making more
than I am. A secretary
cannot make more than her boss.
ADE
Well apparently they can.
Elaine, in the Calvin Klein dress, is walking outside along the
sidewalk, snow along the curb and store fronts -- It's obvious
she is
cold without a coat. She checks out her reflection in a florist's
window, then stops at the Love, Health & Beauty Aids store, where
the
reflection is more like a mirror in the alcove of the store.
ELAINE
Oh, this is insanity. I'm not this hippie.
(meaning her hips
are not that large)
(a man exits the store)
ELAINE
Hey, what do you think of this?
MAN
(with disbelief): You'll never pull
it off.
Barney's Department store, inside the dressing room area, a customer
knocks on the door where Kramer is waiting for Jerry.
FEMALE CUSTOMER
Hey, what's going on in there?
(Jerry enters the women's clothing dept.)
JERRY
(to the Barney's sales associate) Excuse
me, could you tell me
where I could find, like, women's moisturizer lotions?
(Female customer walks up to the Barney's sales associate that
Jerry was
just talking to)
FEMALE CUSTOMER
This woman has been in there for over
an hour.
(The Barney's sales associate walks into the dressing room area
and up
to the dressing room door where Kramer is waiting for Jerry)
KRAMER
(Yeah) (through the door)
(Jerry hears Kramer and walks into the dressing room door)
JERRY
Kramer?
KRAMER
Oh, Jerry, you got my clothes?
JERRY
What clothes?
KRAMER
Didn't Elaine call you?
JERRY
No.
KRAMER
Well what are you doing here?
JERRY
What am I doing here? You're in the
women's dressing room. I
need that ticket stub back so I can get my mother's fur coat
out.
KRAMER
Oh, the stub, yeah. I left it in my,
my pants
JERRY
Where are your pants?
KRAMER
Well, I sold them to Bania.
JERRY
What? You sold your pants to Bania.
Let me in.
(Kramer opens the door, Jerry goes in the dressing room. Kramer
is
standing there in his white boxer shorts and no shirt)
JERRY
Why'd you sell your pants to Bania?
KRAMER
ouhhh -- I had Uma Therman's number
written on that stub. I
lost Uma's number.
JERRY
Where are your clothes?
KRAMER
I told you I sold them to Bania.
JERRY
You mean what you were wearing?
KRAMER
Yeah.
JERRY
How'd you expect to get out of here?
KRAMER
Well, I didn't think ahead.
(Elaine reenters the Barney's clothing dept., rubbing her arms
because
he is cold. The sales associate is also coming back from the
dressing
rooms. Elaine sees her, and quickly stands next to the register
counter
and tries to act like she has been there for a while.)
ELAINE
This isn't going to work for me ...
so if you could show me
something else.
ELAINE
No?
ELAINE
I am?
ELAINE
Ha! That's preposterous.
snow in the store.
(Elaine looks down and gathers the dress at the salt stain)
ELAINE
No. You can wrap it. (Dejected. Elaine
puts her head down and
her hand to her forehead as she walks into the dressing room
area)
Kramer, are you still in there?
JERRY
(Elaine)
ELAINE
Jerry?
(Bania enters the dressing room area)
BANIA
Elaine, where's Kramer?
KRAMER
Bania?
BANIA
Kramer.
JERRY
I'm going out. (he comes out of the
dressing room, while Kramer
remains inside)
BANIA
Jerry.
JERRY
Bania.
BANIA
Kramer, I want my money back for this
suit. You're nancy-boy
cream leaked all over the pockets -- Suits ruined.
KRAMER
Well you're not getting any money back.
(Kramer opens the
door) Jerry, come back in here.
JERRY
(to Bania) Excuse me. (he goes back
in the dressing room)
KRAMER
Uma's number is on that ticket.
JERRY
Never mind Uma, I need that ticket to
get my mother's fur coat
back. Why don't you just give him the money for the suit?
KRAMER
I'm not going to give him $300 now for
a suit with moisturizer
cream all over it.
JERRY
I got an idea.
KRAMER
What?
JERRY
I can't believe I'm gonna do this. (Jerry
opens the door and
exits the dressing room. He walks over to Bania)
JERRY
Bania can I talk to you for a second?
How's everything going?
BANIA
Pretty good.
JERRY
Yeah, well, see the thing of it is,
I'm in a bit of an awkward
position here. Because, uhh, I don't want to get in between you
two
guys but ... I need a dry-cleaning ticket that's in the pocket
of those
pants.
BANIA
Well all you gotta do is tell Kramer
to give me my money back,
and you'll get your ticket.
JERRY
Yeah, yeah all right, well uh ... tell
you what I will do Bania
-- you give me the ticket, and uh, I will take you out for a
nice
dinner.
BANIA
Can we go back to Mendy's?
JERRY
You want to go to Mendy's, I'll take
you to Mendy's.
BANIA
Twice? I wanna go twice.
JERRY
all right let's be reasonable, Bania.
I'm taking you out for a
nice dinner. All I want is a little ticket in that pocket. I
think
it's a pretty good deal.
BANIA
Two Mendy's.
JERRY
. . . All right (gritting teeth) Just
give me the ticket.
BANIA
Here you go.
JERRY
Ohh ... (takes the ticket and heads
for the dressing room)
Exterior of yankee Stadium (Louisville Slugger) then to George
Steinbrenner's office. George Costanza stands pleading his case.
GEORGE
But Mr. Steinbrenner, how can I be expected
to perform my job
properly, knowing that my uh, subordinate is making more money
than I
am? With all due respect sir, it's outta whack.
STEINBRENNER
Uh huh, I understand what you're saying
George and I know
what it's like to be financially strapped. When I was a young
man in
Cleveland I use to hitchhike to work. One time I got picked up
by a
bakery truck. You think that stuff smells good? Try being cooped
up in
the back of one of those babies.
(George starts to back away from the desk)
STEINBRENNER
I couldn't look at a donut for the next
two years. Well
not that I was ever one for the sweets.
(George turning around, nodding and making hand gestures, walking
slowly
towards the door, his hand gestures get progressively wider eventually
to full arms extended upwards)
STEINBRENNER
Sure I like a cup cake every now and
then, like everybody
else. You know I like it when they have a little cream on the
inside,
it's a surprise. That's good, plus the chocolate ones are good
too.
Sometimes I just can't even make up my mind. A lot of times I'll
mix
the two together, make a vanilla fudge.
Jerry stands outside the Barney's dressing room door that Kramer
is
waiting in. Jerry quickly knocks on the door.
JERRY
Let me in, it's me. (Kramer opens the
door, Jerry goes in the
dressing room) Here. You don't know what this is costing me.
(hands
Kramer the ticket)
KRAMER
(closes the door) All right, nice work.
(he looks at the ticket,
flips it over, and then over again) Where's Uma's number? The
moisturizer smudged out the phone number.
JERRY
(Takes the ticket back and looks at
it, flips it over) The
dry-cleaning numbers are gone too.
KRAMER
(grabs the ticket back and holds it
up to the light) It must
have been the botanical extracts.
JERRY
(grabs the ticket back) Give me that.
(Jerry Opens the door and walks into the clothing dept., while
Bania is
walking towards the exit of the clothing dept.)
JERRY
Hey Bania, the dinners off. The ticket's
no good. The numbers
are all smudged out. (holds out the ticket and hands it to Bania)
BANIA
(looking at the ticket then quickly
looks up at Jerry) You trying
to get out of Mendy's? you can't do that.
JERRY
The ticket is worthless.
BANIA
You promised me.
(Jerry makes a smudged up face -- he knows he cannot get out
of the
deal. Bania turns and walks quickly out of the clothing department.
Jerry sees a woman from the back walking into the dressing room
area.
She has a fur coat on and is carrying a few items over her arm
to try
on)
JERRY
Hey, Isn't that my mother's fur coat?
(Elaine stands at the register counter, now she wears her own
clothes.
The Calvin Klein dress rests across the counter -- she watches
as Jerry
follows the woman into the dressing room area. Jerry stands in
front of
the door where she went into, listens for a half second and then
pushes
the door open, as she has not had an opportunity to latch it
yet -- It
is Donna, the dry-cleaners wife -- she is stunned, startled and
taken
aback ...)
DONNA
No it's not. (the coat)
JERRY
It is! (Jerry walks forcefully into
the dressing room and closes
the door) Give me that back.
DONNA
No, what are you talking about.
(The camera pans down to the bottom of the dressing room door,
so all
you see is Jerry and Donna's scuffling feet and lower legs, as
Jerry
takes the coat from her.)
DONNA
Are you out of your mind? Don't you
... take your hands ...
JERRY
You can't have that coat, it's not yours.
(Donna opens the door -- the camera pans back up to eye level
as she
walks out, kind of indignant. She places her long purse strap
over her
Left shoulder)
JERRY
What do you think the dry-cleaner's
is your own personal closet!
(Donna walks over to where Elaine is still standing at the register
counter)
CONTINUITY ERROR -- AS SHE WALKS UP TO ELAINE, DONNA IS NOW
HOLDING
her long purse strap in her right hand only, then switches it
to her
left hand and puts the strap over her left shoulder. The purse
hangs
below her left hip. She just had placed the long purse strap
over her
SHOULDER AS SHE LEFT THE DRESSING ROOM AREA WALKING AWAY FROM
JERRY.
ELAINE
Donna, do you think you can get the
salt stain out of this?
(Holding the bottom of the Calvin Klein dress out)
DONNA
Let me see. (Looking at the stain) Piece
of cake. Bring it
in. (Holding the dress up by the hanger) What size is it?
ELAINE
(Tilts her head down, looking over her
glasses in amazement of
Donna's question)
The camera fades from the previous scene to the winter sidewalk
outside.
L-R Kramer, Elaine and Jerry walk silently in the cold. Above
their
heads in the background is a sign that reads “KalSigns” -- I
believe
this is an homage to Jerry's (real life) father that owned a
sign
company.
Kramer is wearing Jerry's mother's fur coat. It is obviously
too small
for his large frame -- the arms are way too short. The coat comes
down
to his mid thigh. He has no pants on. He wears shoes and white
socks.
He looks ridiculous, uncomfortable and cold.
Elaine is wearing a long winter overcoat, carrying her Calvin
Klein
dress in a garment bag over her left arm. Jerry has both hands
in the
pockets of his winter jacket he is wearing a scarf that he had
on
earlier in the store.
Kramer looks around as he walks along. He tries to button or
close up
the coat to the best of his ability, but nothing changes. As
the scene
ends, the fur coat opens slightly at the bottom and you can see
his
white boxer shorts (actually they look like jockey shorts, but
earlier
he had on boxers in the dressing room)
The camera fades from the previous scene to an exterior shot
of Mendy's
Restaurant at dusk, then inside to Bania and Jerry dining at
a table.
BANIA
Mmm. This soup is great.
JERRY
Yeah, it's very good. (reluctantly)
BANIA
I told you Mendy's had the best pea
soup. The best Jerry, the
best. Are you enjoying it?
JERRY
Yeah. I'm having a wonderful time. (it's
obvious he isn't)
BANIA
Wait till you try the swordfish. You
know Jerry, I was
thinking. For our next meal, do you think we should come here
... or
should we go someplace else? You know it has it's pros and cons.
On the
one hand, here, you're guaranteed a great meal. On the other
hand --
JERRY
(Interrupting Bania) Yeah, yeah I know.
This would be good, but
it would be the same. But if we go some place else, it would
be
different, but it might not be as good. It's a gamble. I get
it.
BANIA
Yeah. Well, let's hurry up and eat I
gotta get out of here. I'm
meeting a woman for a drink.
JERRY
Oh, and who might that be?
BANIA
Some woman named Uma. I got her number
off of that ticket before
it was smudged. Hope she's good-looking. (crosses his fingers
in the
air)
(Comedy club)
JERRY
If you are a waitress and you ever see
me in a restaurant, I'm
telling you right now, I don't want to hear about the specials.
I don't
want to know about the specials. I'm sick of the specials. I
hate the
specials. My feeling is, if the specials were so special, they'd
be on
the menu. You know what's special about them? They don't know
if
anybody likes them. They always have these overly creative descriptions
of the specials too, you know. The veil is lightly slapped, and
then sequestered in a one-bedroom suite with a white wine intravenous.
THE END
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