THE SHOWER HEAD
Written by
Peter Mehlman & Marjorie Gross
(Elaine in a doctor's office)
ELAINE
Mr. Peterman sent me over here for a
physical because as you may or may not
know, he and I are going on a trip to
Kenya. Africa. My first such mission
for the company. The Massai bushmen
wear these great sandals and we're gonna
knock them off. Not the Massai, the
sandals.
DOCTOR
I'll need a urine sample.
ELAINE
Right.
George, Jerry and Elaine in Jerry's apartment.
GEORGE
You know how hot it gets there? Like
150 degrees. Your skin is gonna be simmering
with boils.
ELAINE
Oh, Come on.
JERRY
Hey George, you coming to the Tonight
Show on Thursday?
GEORGE
Hey, yeah. My parents want to come too,
is that ok?
JERRY
Yeah, sure. My parents will be there.
ELAINE
The Tonight Show?
JERRY
Yeah, they're in town this week, you
wanna go?
ELAINE
Are you doing new material?
JERRY
No.
ELAINE
I don't think so.
Kramer enters.
KRAMER
Hey. Super's in my bathroom changing
my shower head. Have they
changed your shower head?
JERRY
No, he's doing mine next. They're low
flow you know.
KRAMER
Low flow? Well I don't like the sound
of that.
Kramer exits.
ELAINE
So what are your parents doing here
in new York?
JERRY
Well, they were humiliated. I mean after
the impeachment, my father
left office in disgrace.
ELAINE
So what are their plans?
JERRY
Well, this is the problem. They're moving
into this new development.
Here's the pamphlet. Del Boca Vista. But they're not quite ready
to go back so
they're in seclusion here for a while at Uncle Leo's.
ELAINE
You mean the three of them in that tiny
apartment?
JERRY
No, Leo's not there. He's got a girlfriend,
Lydia. In fact, he moved
in with her.
GEORGE
Uncle Leo's having regular sex?
JERRY
Yeah, I know. It devalues the whole
thing.
JERRY
Hello?
MORTY
Jerry, what time do we have to be at
the the Tonight Show on Thursday.
JERRY
You gotta be there at 4:30.
MORTY
But it comes on 11:30.
JERRY
Yeah, well they tape it in the afternoon
and then they air it at 11:30.
MORTY
How long they been doing this?
JERRY
30 years.
MORTY
Helen, did you know that they tape this
thing in the afternoon?
JERRY
All right, I'll see you later.
ELAINE
Georgie, how come your parents never
moved to Florida?
GEORGE
Yeah, that is odd, isn't it?
JERRY
Yeah, it is.
GEORGE
I mean, they're retired.
JERRY
No economic reason for them to be here.
GEORGE
They have no friends.
JERRY
No social reason for them to be here.
ELAINE
You're all grown up.
GEORGE
Yeah, they're all through ruining my
life. What the hell are they
still doing here? Lemme see this pamphlet. Hm. All right, so
I'll, uh, get back
to you.
George exits with the Del Boca Vista pamphlet.
JERRY
Hello?
HELEN
Where can I buy some ice? Your father
likes a lot of ice.
JERRY
I don't know, maybe get an ice tray?
HELEN
I can do that.
JERRY
You know Dad just called me.
HELEN
Yeah, I know. His phlebitis is acting
up.
JERRY
Yeah, all right, well I got some people
here.
HELEN
Ok.
JERRY
All right, bye. (to Elaine): You see
this? Any thought pops into their
head they're calling me because it's a local call now.
ELAINE
Ahh.
JERRY
I'm used to a 1200 mile buffer zone.
I can't handle this. Plus I got
the dinners, I got the pop ins. They pop in! It's brutal!
ELAINE
They have no idea when they're going
back to Florida?
JERRY
The only way out of this is if Leo breaks
up with his girlfriend and has
to move back into the apartment and then they would have to go
back to Florida.
ELAINE
How's that gonna happen?
Jerry and Uncle Leo at Monk's coffee shop.
UNCLE LEO
It's about time you called your uncle.
We've got to do this once a
week.
JERRY
Once a week? So how's Lydia?
UNCLE LEO
Ah, she's a real tiger.
JERRY
I don't know how you do it.
UNCLE LEO
What?
JERRY
A man like you, limiting yourself to
one woman, I don't know. But it's
none of my business.
UNCLE LEO
What are you talking about?
JERRY
Well...
UNCLE LEO
Look at this, I told them medium rare,
it's medium.
JERRY
Hey, it happens.
UNCLE LEO
I bet that cook is an anti-Semite.
JERRY
He has no idea who you are.
UNCLE LEO
They don't just overcook a hamburger,
Jerry.
JERRY
All right. Anyway, the point I was making
before Goerbbles made your
hamburger is a man like you could be dating women twenty years
younger. C'mon
Uncle Leo, I've seen the way women look at you. When's the last
time you looked
in a mirror? You're an Adonis! You've got beautiful features,
lovely skin,
you're in the prime of your life here, you should be swinging.
If I were you
I'd tell this Lydia character, "It's been real," move back into
that bachelor
pad and put out a sign; Open for business.
UNCLE LEO
Believe me, I thought about it. But
she is so perfect in every way,
I can't see a flaw.
JERRY
Well, keep looking.
Elaine and Mr. Peterman at work.
PETERMAN
I'm afraid I have some bad news, Elaine.
It appears you will not be
accompanying me to Africa.
ELAINE
What? Why not?
PETERMAN
I'm afraid it's your urine, Elaine.
You tested positive for opium.
ELAINE
Opium?
PETERMAN
That's right, Elaine. White lotus. Yam-yam.
Shanghai Sally.
ELAINE
Ihat's impossible, I've never done a
drug in my life. Dr. Strugatz
must have made a mistake.
PETERMAN
Not a chance. I'm afraid I'll just have
to find someone else to
accompany me on my journey. The dark continent is no place for
an addict,
Elaine.
ELAINE
Obviously, Mr. Peterman, there's something
wrong with this test. I
don't take opium. Let me take another one, please? I'll call
the doctor right
now, I'll take a pop urine test.
PETERMAN
All right, Elaine.
ELAINE
Oh, thank you Mr. Peterman. (Drinks
a glass of water) I'll be ready
in three minutes.
George and his parents at their home in Queens.
GEORGE
Whew! Boy, it's cold outside, huh? Oh,
these New York winters, huh.
Bitter cold, bitter.
FRANK
I was out for five minutes before, I
couldn't feel my extremities.
ESTELLE
What extremities?
GEORGE
You know what the temperature in Florida
is today? Eh? Seventy-nine.
That's almost eighty. Yeah, I read someplace the life expectancy
in Florida is
eighty-one and in Queens, seventy-three.
ESTELLE
So George, why are you here?
GEORGE
What, I can't stop by and visit my parents?
(Drops pamphlet on coffee
table)
ESTELLE
What's this.
GEORGE
That's where the Seinfeld's are moving.
They got a great deal. Yep.
You know what they got in Florida? Jai-Alai! You bet on the games,
you clean
up.
ESTELLE
I don't bet.
GEORGE
What about the dolphins? You could swim
with the dolphins down there.
ESTELLE
I don't swim.
GEORGE
You could pet them. They come right
out of the water onto the
sidewalks.
ESTELLE
Are you trying to get rid of us?
GEORGE
Rid? Nah, c'mon, the word is 'care'.
Care. I care about your
comfort, be it here in Queens or twelve-hundred miles away.
Elaine, back in the doctor's office. The doctor is consulting
a chart and
shaking his head no.
ELAINE
No?
The doctor hands Elaine the chart, she looks at it in astonishment.
Jerry's apartment. Kramer walks in, his trademark 'high hair'
is flat.
KRAMER
Jerry? Jerry!
Jerry walks in from the back room, his hair is also flat.
KRAMER
Wha, you too?
JERRY
Yeah!
KRAMER
These showers are horrible. There's
no pressure, I can't get the
shampoo out of my hair.
JERRY
Me either.
KRAMER
If I don't have a good shower I am not
myself. I feel weak and
ineffectual. I'm not Kramer.
JERRY
You? What about me? I got the Tonight
Show tonight. I'm gonna have to
shower in the dressing room.
KRAMER
Aw.
JERRY
Where are you going?
KRAMER
I gotta find another shower.
Hallway outside Newman's apartment. Kramer knocks on Newman's
door. Newman
answers, with flat hair.
KRAMER
They got you too?
NEWMAN
This stuff is awful! I'm not Newman!
Kramer backs away then runs down the hall.
Elaine's office, Kramer rushes in.
KRAMER
Oh, Elaine. Yeah.
ELAINE
Kramer, you look terrible.
KRAMER
Look, I need the keys to your apartment,
I gotta take a shower.
ELAINE
What's wrong with your shower?
KRAMER
There's no water pressure.
ELAINE
Why don't you just go see Jerry?
Just as Kramer is about to answer, Mr. Peterman walks past Elaine's
open office
door and pauses.
KRAMER
Jerry's got nothing. Newman's got nothing.
You're the only one I know
who's got the good stuff, and I need it bad, baby, cause I feel
like I got bugs
crawling up my skin. Now you gotta help me out.
PETERMAN
Not on my watch! (Grabs Kramer by the
collar) I won't
have you turning my office into a den of iniquity! Get your fix
somewhere else!
(Throws Kramer out and slams the door closed)
ELAINE
Mr Peterman! What are you doing?
PETERMAN
Elaine, you're out of control. You need
help.
ELAINE
Huh?
PETERMAN
I know what you're going through. I
too once fell under the spell of
opium. It was 1979. I was travelling the Yangtzee in search of
a Mongolian
horsehair vest. I had got to the market after sundown, all of
the clothing
traders had gone, but a different sort of trader still lurked
about. "Just a
taste," he said. That was all it took.
ELAINE
Mr. Peterman, I don't know what's going
on here. I am not addicted to
anything.
PETERMAN
Oh, Elaine. The toll road of denial
is a long and dangerous one.
desk. You're fired.
Jerry's dressing room at NBC. Jerry and his parents are there.
HELEN
All they serve is chicken?
JERRY
There's more food down the hall.
MORTY
Wrap it up, we'll take it home.
George walks in with his parents.
JERRY
Oh, hi.
ESTELLE
Hello Seinfelds.
MORTY
Hello.
HELEN
Hi.
FRANK
This is your dressing room? They treat
you like Toscanini.
ESTELLE
Oh, Jerry. I don't know how you could
do this. I'm so nervous for
you.
JERRY
Actually, I'm drunk.
GEORGE
Hey, hey, how was Florida?
MORTY
Well, we just bought a new place down
there.
ESTELLE
I know, we were looking at the brochure.
MORTY
What?
HELEN
Why, you thinking of moving?
FRANK
Not really.
MORTY
Because if you are, you shouldn't. There's
nothing available in that
development.
FRANK
Are you telling me there's not one condo
available in all of Del Boca
Vista?
MORTY
That's right. They went like hotcakes.
FRANK
How'd you get yours?
MORTY
Got lucky.
FRANK
Are you trying to keep us out of Del
Boca Vista?!
JERRY
I know this doesn't seem like work to
any of you, if you could perhaps
conduct your psychopath convention down the hall, I could just
get a little
personal space.
Monk's coffee shop, Elaine is at the counter eating a muffin
and talking with a
waitress.
ELAINE
How could I have tested positive twice?
Once I could understand,
that's a mistake. But twice?
WAITRESS
Yeah, it's hard to figure.
ELAINE
I mean I lost my job, I can't go to
Africa. I was gonna meet the
bushmen of the Kalahari.
WAITRESS
Ah, the bushmen?
ELAINE
And the bushwomen.
MAN
Excuse me. I couldn't help overhearing.
I
notice you're eating a poppy seed muffin.
ELAINE
Yeah, I eat these muffins all the time.
MAN
Well, you know what opium is made from...
ELAINE
Poppies!
Jerry is on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno.
JAY
Welcome back. Talking with Jerry Seinfeld.
Jerry, lemme ask you, I saw
some people back there, they look like.. family? Is that family?
JERRY
Yeah, I got some family backstage. Course
my family's nuts; they're
crazy. Yep. My uncle Leo, (quick take of Uncle Leo in bet with
Lydia, watching
Jerry on TV. Lydia is laughing, Leo is not) I had lunch with
him the other
day, he's one of these guys that anything goes wrong in life,
he blames it on
anti-Semitism. You know what I mean, the spaghetti's not al dente?
Cook's an
anti-Semite. Loses a bet on a horse. Secretariat? Anti-Semitic.
Doesn't get
a good seat at the temple. Rabbi? Anti-Semite.
Jerry's apartment. Jerry is on the phone.
JERRY
Hey, listen to this, Uncle Leo broke
up with his girlfriend because of
the bit I did. She thought it was funny, so he accused *her*
of being an
anti-Semite. They had a huge fight and now he's moving back into
his apartment.
You know what this means, my parents are gonna go back to Florida...
What?
What number is this? Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
Kramer walks in wearing a bathrobe, his hair is still flat.
JERRY
Hey Kramer, my parents are gonna have
to move back to Florida, isn't
that great?
KRAMER
Yeah, well I'm really happy for ya.
JERRY
Hey, you're not giving it to me, man.
What's wrong?
KRAMER
I just took a bath, Jerry. A bath?
JERRY
No good?
KRAMER
It's disgusting. I'm sitting there in
a tepid pool of my own filth.
All kinds of microscopic parasites and organisms having sex all
around me.
JERRY
Well, you used to sit in that hot tub?
KRAMER
Jerry, that was superheated water, nothing
could live in that.
JERRY
Chicken?
KRAMER
Oh, yeah.
Elaine enters.
ELAINE
Well, this you're not gonna believe.
I found out why I was testing
positive for opium. Poppy seeds!
JERRY
Poppy seeds!
KRAMER
Well, that makes sense. (Offers plate
to Elaine) Want some chicken?
ELAINE
Yeah. Thanks. So, I'm gonna get tested
again later, hopefully I'll
get my job back and I will be on my way to Africa.
There's a knock at the door, Jerry answers it, it's Newman.
JERRY
Hello Newman.
NEWMAN
Hello Jerry. Well, I may have a solution
to our little problem.
Elaine, would you excuse us?
ELAINE
Oh c'mon, Newman.
NEWMAN
I have a private matter to discuss with
my fellow tenants. (Opens
door) If you don't mind?
ELAINE
Jerry?
NEWMAN
Look, sister, go get yourself a cup
of coffee, all right? Beat it!
(Pushes Elaine out the door and closes it) All right, now here's
the lowdown.
From a certain connection, I've been able to locate some black
market shower
heads. They're all made in the former Yugoslavia, and from what
I hear the
Serbs are fanatic about their showers.
JERRY
Not from the footage I've seen.
NEWMAN
Nevertheless, sometime this afternoon,
behind the Market Diner, an
unmarked van will be waiting. I'm expecting the call at any time.
Are you in?
KRAMER
I'm down.
NEWMAN
Jerry?
Jerry nods reluctantly.
Frank and Estelle's house.
ESTELLE
So, Georgie, we have some big news for
you.
GEORGE
Big news?
ESTELLE
We're moving to Florida.
GEORGE
What? You're moving to Florida!?! That's
wonderful! I'm
so happy! (pause) For you! I'm so happy for you! Oh, what do
you need this
cold weather for?
FRANK
Has nothing to do with the weather,
it's because of the Seinfelds.
GEORGE
What do you mean?
FRANK
They don't want us there, so we're going.
We're moving right into Del
Boca Vista!
GEORGE
So you're moving there for spite!
FRANK
Absolutely. No one tells Frank Costanza
what to do!
GEORGE
That's right, who the hell are they?
How dare they?!
ESTELLE
So, Georgie, are you gonna come to visit
us?
GEORGE
Oh, every chance I get.
ESTELLE
Ohhh.
George busts into Jerry's apartment.
GEORGE
Jerry? Jerry! I'm busting! I'm busting!
JERRY
What's going on?
GEORGE
My parents are moving to Florida!
JERRY
Are you kidding?
GEORGE
Can you believe it? It's happening!
It's finally happening! I'm
free!!
JERRY
Where are they moving to?
GEORGE
Del Boca Vista!
JERRY
Del Boca Vista, that's where my parents
are gonna live!
GEORGE
I know!
JERRY
We could visit together!
GEORGE
Every five years!
They 'high five' each other.
JERRY
That's incredible!
GEORGE
I know, I know and you know *why* they're
moving there?
JERRY
Why?
GEORGE
To spite your parents!
JERRY
To spite my parents?
GEORGE
Yeah!
JERRY
Your parents are crazy!
GEORGE
I know, they're out of their minds!
It's fantastic!
JERRY
My parents are moving back too!
GEORGE
Beautiful!
Helen and Morty, packing up in Uncle Leo's apartment.
MORTY
I'm sorry Leo's moving back here. I'm
not ready to go back to Florida.
HELEN
He was getting along so well with that
woman, what happened?
Morty shrugs, the phone rings, Morty answers.
MORTY
Hello?
VOICE
This is Frank Costanza.
MORTY
What do you want?
FRANK
You think you could keep us out of Florida?
We're moving in lock, stock
and barrel. We're gonna be in the pool. We're gonna be in the
clubhouse.
We're gonna be all over that shuffleboard court! And I dare you
to keep me out!
Frank hangs up, Morty hangs up.
MORTY
I'm sorry, we can't go back to Florida.
Jerry's apartment, Jerry and George are toasting their good fortune.
GEORGE
I can't believe I didn't push for this
sooner.
JERRY
You have no idea how your life is gonna
improve as a result of this.
Food tastes better. The air seems fresher. You'll have more energy
and self
confidence than you ever dreamed of.
The phone rings, Jerry answers.
JERRY
Hello.
MORTY
Hello, Jerry? It's your father.
JERRY
Oh, hi dad.
MORTY
Listen, is it all right if we move in
with you for a little while?
Sounds of breaking glass, Jerry dropped his bottle.
MORTY
What was that?
JERRY
Nothing. A bottle broke. That's all.
What do you mean, you're gonna
move in here?
MORTY
Because the Costanzas are moving into
Del Boca Vista.
JERRY
But it's a big complex.
MORTY
You don't understand, you gotta have
a buffer zone.
JERRY
All right, fine. Come over here. (Hangs
up phone)
GEOPRGE
What?
JERRY
They're not going back to Florida. They're
moving here.
GEORGE
What? Why?
JERRY
Because your parents are going down
there. My buffer zone just went
from twelve hundred miles down to two feet! You gotta do something.
GEORGE
Hey, I'm sorry, you had your buffer
zone for many years. It's my turn
to live, baby.
JERRY
You know what you're doing, don't you?
You're killing Independent
Jerry! I gotta go see my Uncle Leo. I think he may have made
a big mistake.
Monk's coffee shop, Jerry and Uncle Leo are sharing a booth.
LEO
Move back with Lydia?
JERRY
C'mon, you're lucky to have anybody.
LEO
Last week you told me I was in my prime,
I should be swinging.
JERRY
Swinging? What are you, out of your
mind? Look at you, you're
disgusting. You're bald, you're paunchy, all kinds of sounds
are emanating from
your body twenty-four hours a day. If there's a woman that can
take your
presence for more than ten consecutive seconds, you should hang
on to her like
grim death. Which is not far off, by the way.
LEO
But she's an anti-Semite.
JERRY
Can you blame her?
Helen and Morty are unpacking in Jerry's apartment.
HELEN
You don't think he minds us staying
here, do you?
MORTY
Why would he mind? We're his parents.
Elaine walks in picking her teeth, she didn't expect to see Jerry's
parents.
ELAINE
Oh.
HELEN
Hi Elaine.
ELAINE
Hello. Jerry's not here?
HELEN
No.
ELAINE
Huh. (pause) Oh my god.
HELEN
What?
ELAINE
A poppy seed! It must have been in the
chicken. Oh, I'm dead. I'm
going to the doctor's in a half an hour.
HELEN
Why?
ELAINE
It's a long story.
HELEN
Just a second, I have to go to the bathroom.
ELAINE
What are you gonna do in there?
HELEN
What am I gonna do in the bathroom?
ELAINE
You gotta do me a favor.
HELEN
Elaine, I really--
ELAINE
Hold on a second. Mrs. Seinfeld, I need
your sample.
HELEN
You want my urine?
ELAINE
I need a clean urine sample from a woman.
HELEN
I don't know.
ELAINE
Oh please, Mrs. Seinfeld, please?
HELEN
Well, what am I gonna do it in?
ELAINE
Well, one of those glasses.
HELEN
Jerry's glasses?
ELAINE
Yeah, he won't mind. C'mon, you're his
mom.
Helen, Oh, I could uh-- Should I use a coffee cup?
ELAINE
Yeah, a coffee cup's fine.
HELEN
Or maybe a juice glass.
ELAINE
Yes, fine, fine, a juice glass is perfect.
HELEN
This one is kind of scratched.
ELAINE
It doesn't matter.
HELEN
Howbout A milk glass.
ELAINE
A milk glass, a juice glass, any glass,
just pick a glass.
HELEN
Jerry doesn't wash these very well.
ELAINE
Mrs. Seinfeld, pick a glass! Pick a
glass, Mrs. Seinfeld!
Kramer, Newman and a 'salesman' are at the back of a van in an
alley.
SALESMAN
All right, I got everything here. I
got the Cyclone F series, Hydra
Jet Flow, Stockholm Superstream, you name it.
JERRY
What do you recommend?
SALESMAN
What are you looking for?
KRAMER
Power, man. Power.
NEWMAN
Like Silkwood.
KRAMER
That's for radiation.
NEWMAN
That's right.
KRAMER
Now, what is this?
SALESMAN
That's the Commando 450, I don't sell
that one. What about thi-
KRAMER
Well that's what we want, the Commando
450.
Salesman, Nah, believe me. It's only used in the circus. For
elephants.
NEWMAN
We'll pay anything. We've got the (hands
a wad of money to Kramer)
What about Jerry?
KRAMER
He couldn't handle that, he's delicate.
Helen and Morty are unpacking in Uncle Leo's apartment.
HELEN
It's nice being back at Leo's Jerry's
place was too small.
MORTY
First Leo breaks up, then he goes back.
What the hell's going on?
There's a knock at the door.
MORTY
Who is it?
SUPER
It's the super. We're installing new
low-flow showerheads in all the
bathrooms.
MORTY
Low flow? I don't like the sound of
that.
Mr. Peterman, in his office, on the telephone.
PETERMAN
So as a result of your test being free
of opium, I am reinstating you.
ELAINE
Oh! Yes! What a load off. So when are
we going to Africa?
PETERMAN
I'm afraid I can't take you.
ELAINE
What? Why not?
PETERMAN
Elaine, according to your urine analysis,
you're menopausal. you
have the metabolism of a sixty-eight year old woman.
ELAINE
But I wanted to see the bushmen.
PETERMAN
Oh, and one more thing. You may have
osteoporosis.
Jerry is seeing his parents off as the cab driver loads their
bags. They have
flat hair.
JERRY
Well, it's been a great visit.
MORTY
Jerry, I'll tell ya. The first thing
I'm gonna do when I get back to
Florida is take a shower.
JERRY
Well, at least the Costanzas changed
their mind and decided not to move.
They couldn't bear being away from George.
HELEN
George must be happy about that.
JERRY
You have no idea.
George's parents' house, George is sitting on the couch between
Frank and Estelle, he's obviously disappointed.
FRANK
Take my swim trunks. I won't need them.
ESTELLE
What does he want with your swim trunks?
FRANK
Why should they go to waste?!?
Kramer, in the shower, he's got the Commando 450 shower head
hooked up. He
turns it on, the water shoots out full blast and knocks him backwards.
He grabs
the shower curtain for support and tries to reach forward to
turn the faucet
off, but the force of the water is too great, he only succeeds
in knocking over
a few shampoo bottles. Kramer is eventually pushed back enough
by the water to
become entangled in the shower curtain until he eventually falls
out of the
shower, and out of camera range.
THE END
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