THE SLICER
Written by
Darin Henry, Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin
(Elaine wakes up in bed with Jerry.)
ELAINE
Hey.
JERRY
Morning.
ELAINE
Look, this is crazy, I can't go on like
this.
JERRY
But why?
ELAINE
I need some space.
(Elaine turns to the other side and there's George.)
GEORGE
Does that mean I have to go too?
JERRY
You don't think she's just talking to
me?
GEORGE
Hey, shut up.
JERRY
You shut up.
ELAINE
I hate this.
(Kramer pops out the covers.)
KRAMER
You'll get used to it. It's like a grubby
scrub.
ELAINE
No, I don't want this anymore.
JERRY
We'll come to work with you.
GEORGE
And on your dates.
JERRY
And shopping.
KRAMER
And to the bathroom.
ELAINE
I can't breath...I'm sorry...(Elaine
wakes up) You're killing me!
30. She realizes, that alarm comes from
next door.)
ELAINE
(Banging the wall) Turn your alarm off!!
(Screams)
(Mr. Kruger's office. Kruger is reading George's CV.)
KRUGER
Your background is impressive George,
but how does it apply to what we do
here, at Kruger Industrial Smoothing?
GEORGE
Well, at the Yankees it was all about
smoothing things over, you know, chiseling
away, grinding down. In fact we used
to call it 'the grind'.
KRUGER
It says here that you worked at Play
Now for four days?
GEORGE
That should be 14, let me just...(corrects
it with a pen.)
KRUGER
George, I have to honest; I could go
either way with you...but what the hell,
we need someone, huh.
GEORGE
You won't regret this, sir.
KRUGER
I don't care. Let's find you an office.
Kruger's family and George on the background.)
(Monk's cafe. Jerry, George and Kramer.)
GEORGE
...and then when I saw the photo I remembered
where I'd seen him; the boom box incident.
JERRY
The boom box incident?
GEORGE
Summer of '89 I'm at the beach. This
family sits up next to me. I go in to
the surfs and when I come from out,
my clothes, my towel, my umbrella, they're
all gone. I am furious, I start screaming
to these kids demanding my stuff back
and finally I lose it; I grab their
boom box and I chuck it in to the ocean.
JERRY
Seems reasonable.
GEORGE
Then I see my clothes floating out there.
The tied took them out, not the kids.
JERRY
Even more reasonable.
GEORGE
So now, the father is screaming at me,
he's demanding that I pay for the boom
box. Finally, I gave them a fake address
and got the hell out of there.
JERRY
And that guy is your new boss?
GEORGE
Until that stupid photo jogs his memory.
KRAMER
Kruger? That's not Kruger Industrial
Smoothing, is it?
GEORGE
Yeah.
KRAMER
Grinders, sanders, wet stones. They
are the ones who botched the Statue
of Liberty job.
JERRY
Right, they couldn't get the green stuff
off.
GEORGE
It is a horrible company. There's no
management what so ever. I could go
hog wild in there.
KRAMER
You now what you do? You sneak that
photo out of there for couple of days
and get it air brushed.
GEORGE
Like retouched.
KRAMER
You remember that photo of me and Gerald
Ford and I took it in. Got that Ford
right out of there.
GEORGE
Oh, this is good. This Kruger guy is
clueless. I can't wait to work for him.
(George leaves. Kramer tries to eat a sandwich and it brakes
in to his hands.)
KRAMER
Look at this. This sandwich is terrible.
Everywhere you go, they give you this
misshaped shardy meat. Look at this...
(Kramer tosses Jerry's sandwich around.)
KRAMER
I haven't had a decent sandwich in 13
years.
JERRY
Neither have I.
(5A. Kramer is slicing meat with a meat slicer. Jerry comes in.)
KRAMER
Hey, our meat problems are solved.
JERRY
Where did you get this thing?
KRAMER
I traded it to my sausage press. Look
how thin that is, see that's all surface
area. The taste has nowhere to hide.
(Elaine comes in.)
ELAINE
Hey.
KRAMER
Hey, spice. (gives Elaine a piece of
meat.) Welcome to flavor country.
ELAINE
Yeah, that's pretty good.
JERRY
Hey, I got a date with that doctor you
met.
ELAINE
Sara Sitarides?
JERRY
Mmhu.
ELAINE
Oh...(falls in to the sofa.)
JERRY
What's with you?
ELAINE
You remember that next door neighbor
of mine, the apartment that always smells
like potatoes?
JERRY
Your whole building smells like potatoes.
ELAINE
This jackass goes to Paris, leaves the
alarm on. It's been beeping since 3:30
this morning.
KRAMER
You know, that happened to Lomez, so
he blew his neighbor's circuit.
ELAINE
How do you do that?
KRAMER
Yeah well, that's easy. Just let me
finish this mile high and I'll be right
with you. Oh, and Jerry, we are gonna
need a case of Kaiser rolls.
JERRY
I think we might have one left in the
stock room.
(Kramer looks lost.)
(Elaine's building. Elaine and Kramer.)
KRAMER
This hallway smells like potatoes.
ELAINE
I know, I know, this is it. (points
to a door.)
KRAMER
Ok, oh, you see this socket it's probably
connected to her apartment. So what
we'll do, we'll take this paper clip
and bend it so it'll short out the entire
circuit. Here you go...
ELAINE
I think I'll let you do it.
KRAMER
No no no. It's easy, you just...do it
quickly.
ELAINE
No, I really don't want to.
KRAMER
Well, I don't want to either.
ELAINE
I thought you had done this before.
KRAMER
It's just...it's no picnic.
ELAINE
Well, how are we gonna do it?
KRAMER
Alright, fine fine, I'll do it.
(Kramer moisturizes the paper clip in his mouth and sticks it
to the power socket. Electric buzz and Kramer twitches on the
floor. The lights go off.)
KRAMER
Oh mama.
ELAINE
Are you okay?
KRAMER
I will lose that nail.
(Monk's cafe. Jerry and Dr. Sara Sitarides.)
SARA
I enjoy the challenge of medicine. Naturally
you have no idea what it's like to have
someone's life depending on you.
JERRY
Well, I have this neighbor...
SARA
A joke. Do you have any idea how it
feels like to save someone's life?
JERRY
Is it anything like hitting a home run
in softball?
SARA
No.
JERRY
Cause I hit a whopper last week!
(Flash Foto. George is picking up the photo.)
CLERK
Here you go, airbrushed in to sand and
sky.
(George looks at the picture and he is still there, but Kruger
isn't.)
GEORGE
What did you do here? You took out the
wrong guy.
CLERK
I thought you said you wanted to be
out?
GEORGE
Well, I'm still here. You took out the
other guy!
CLERK
You've really lost a lot of hair.
GEORGE
I am aware!
(Elaine's apartment. She is reading a catalog on her bed.)
ELAINE THINKING
Hmm, the world's best pizza cutter.
76 bucks, how often do I make...oh,
I've gotta buy a book.
(She hears a loud cat meowing next door.)
ELAINE
The cat.
(5A, Jerry, George and Kramer.)
JERRY
He took out Kruger?
GEORGE
I just pray Kruger doesn't realize that
it's gone until this guy can fix it
up.
(Kramer cuts meat wearing a white coat.)
KRAMER
This slicer is indomitable.
JERRY
Where did you get that butcher's coat?
KRAMER
You buy enough meat, they'll give you
anything.
(Elaine comes in.)
ELAINE
Kramer, my neighbor has a cat. When
you blew the power, we must've shut
off the automatic feeder.
KRAMER
See, that's the same thing that happened
to Lomez.
ELAINE
What did he do about it?
KRAMER
Well, he moved to a hotel and the cat
eventually died.
ELAINE
Well, this meowing is absolutely worst
than the alarm.
KRAMER
Oh, that's a prickly one.
ELAINE
Yeah, how's the doctor date?
JERRY
Eh, died on the table. Just spent hour
and a half making me feel, if I don't
save lives, I'm worthless.
ELAINE
Well, she's very focused. Dermatology
is her life.
JERRY
Dermatology?
ELAINE
Yes, she's a dermatologist.
JERRY
Saving lives? The whole profession is;
eh, just put some aloe on it.
KRAMER
The slicer! Elaine, let's go.
ELAINE
Where are we going?
KRAMER
The cat. Just grab that meat and let's
ride.
(Elaine and Kramer leave.)
GEORGE
When are you going on your next date
with her?
JERRY
Oh, what's the point?
GEORGE
What, you're gonna pass up a wonderful
opportunity to put that aloe pusher
in her place?
JERRY
Revenge date? That sound like you more
than me.
GEORGE
This good be so sweet, Jerry. Saving
lives? She's one step away working at
the clinique counter!
JERRY
Dermatologist? Skin doesn't need a doctor!
GEORGE
Of course not! Wash it, dry it, move
on!
JERRY
You're right. I'm gonna call her right
now and tell her off.
GEORGE
No no no no no, this has to be carefully
orchestrated. You go to a fancy dinner,
flowers...
JERRY
Flowers?
GEORGE
Yeah, you gotta do it classy (wipes
his mouth to his sweater.)
JERRY
So, you've done this?
GEORGE
Almost. Couldn't get the girl go out
with me the second time.
(Elaine's hallway. Kramer and Elaine are sizing the space under
the door.)
KRAMER
I think we are looking half a millimeter.
ELAINE
Can it cut that thin?
KRAMER
Oh, I've cut slices so thin, I couldn't
even see them.
ELAINE
How did you know you cut it?
KRAMER
Well, I guess I just assumed.
ELAINE
Hold on kitty, dinner's coming.
KRAMER
Yeah, that's a hall of famer.
ELAINE
Alright, let's do it.
KRAMER
Alright, here we go. Yeah, watch that
baby slide...(Puts a slice of meat under
the door.)
ELAINE
Come on, come on kitty...(slice disappears)
ooh...how about that; it worked! Wow,
can I borrow that thing for a while?
KRAMER
Oh no, I don't think so.
ELAINE
Why not?
KRAMER
Well, you're not checked at on it.
ELAINE
What do I have to know?
KRAMER
Well, where the meat goes?
ELAINE
Right there.
KRAMER
Where do you turn it on?
ELAINE
Right there.
KRAMER
But where does the meat go?
(Jerry is on the revenge date with Sara.)
SARA
Restaurant, flowers...this is so nice.
JERRY
Well, I'm a classy guy. How's the life
saving business?
SARA
It's fine.
JERRY
It must take a really really big zit,
to kill a man!
SARA
What is with you?
JERRY
You call yourself a lifesaver. I call
you pimple popper MD!
(A man comes to the table.)
PARRY
Dr. Sitarides?
SARA
Mr. Parry, how are you?
PARRY
I just wanted to thank you again for
saving my life.
JERRY
She saved your life?
PARRY
I had skin cancer.
JERRY
Skin cancer! Damn.
(Elaine's apartment. She is opening letters with the slicer and
talking on the phone.)
ELAINE
You were right Kramer, this slicer is
absolutely amazing...yeah, yeah...no
no no I'll bring it by tonight...ok
bye.
(Walks off the couch.)
ELAINE
These heals are so uneven. (Watches
the slicer.)
(Flash foto. George is picking up the photo.)
CLERK
Here you Mr. Costanza.
(George looks at the photo. Mr. Kruger has been drawn in to the
picture.)
GEORGE
What is this? This is a drawing.
CLERK
Looks real, doesn't it?
GEORGE
This is a cartoon!
CLERK
Hey, I had to draw that guy from memory.
Considering, I think that's damn good.
GEORGE
But it's not a photograph, I need a
photograph!
CLERK
Then you better get a camera.
(5A, George is showing Jerry the picture.)
JERRY
He looks like a Peanuts character.
GEORGE
I know. The only way to fix it now,
is to get a whole new photo of Kruger.
JERRY
You can do that.
GEORGE
Without his shirt on.
JERRY
You can't do that. Well, maybe Kruger
wasn't the place for you.
GEORGE
It seemed so disorganized.
JERRY
I understand.
GEORGE
What about the Coast Guard? Seems like
a lot of pride there, a lot of tradition.
JERRY
True. You mean, for you?
GEORGE
I think.
JERRY
What about your sea sickness?
GEORGE
Maybe I could be a land guy.
JERRY
I don't know if they have land guys.
GEORGE
Someone's have to unhook the boat before
it leaves...the place!
(Elaine comes in.)
ELAINE
Pliers?
JERRY
Drawer.
ELAINE
Got it.
JERRY
What are they for?
ELAINE
I...eh...I got a piece a my heal stuck
in a slicer.
JERRY
Come again?
ELAINE
Okay, I got a little slicer happy, but
listen; don't tell Kramer, okay? He
has very strong feelings for it.
GEORGE
I forgot to ask you; how did the revenge
date go?
JERRY
Eh, it went okay.
GEORGE
Did you dressed nice, did you do it
classy?
JERRY
Yeah, I started out real classy...
GEORGE
Yeah you did, you classed it up!
JERRY
But then I found out about the skin
cancer.
GEORGE
Oh, so it backfired?
JERRY
Yeah.
GEORGE
So, I guess I was lucky that I never
tried that myself.
ELAINE
Of course she treats skin cancer. That's
how I met her, she was doing a skin
cancer screening at Peterman. That's
what dermatologists do.
JERRY
Sadly, that knowledge could've help
me.
GEORGE
Wait a minute, she did a skin cancer
screening at Peterman?
ELAINE
Aha.
GEORGE
Could she do that at Kruger?
ELAINE
I don't know, I guess.
GEORGE
So I set up a screening, everyone takes
their shirt off and click, I snap me
a shot of a bear-chested Kruger.
ELAINE
You have a little thing for this fella'?
GEORGE
Jerry, you gotta talk to Sitarides.
JERRY
Yesterday you said I had to get my revenge
on her!
GEORGE
And that was wrong, Jerry! You simple
must to apologize..
JERRY
Must I?
GEORGE
Yes! Because it is the mature, adult
thing to do.
JERRY
How does that reflect me?
(Kramer comes in.)
KRAMER
Elaine, alright where's the SP2000?
Cause I gotta slice.
ELAINE
Aah, I forgot it. I gotta get home.
KRAMER
Ok, I'll go with you.
ELAINE
Umm, I'm not actually going straight
to home, I have to first stop at the
eh...circus, you know with all the...clowns.
KRAMER
Oh, well you have fun...(Elaine leaves)
oh no clowns...hate clowns...the clowns.
(Jerry and Sara at Sara's office.)
JERRY
So again, I'm sorry. I had no right
to yell at you, you're a life saving
doctor and I'm just a comedian...
SARA
Jerry, enough. I'll do your friend's
cancer screening, because I believe
in that, but as far as you and I are
concerned; it's off.
JERRY
Was it pimple popper MD?
SARA
That's the one. (Taps Jerry on the cheek
and leaves.)
JERRY
Still got it.
(Elaine is trying to get the shoe heal off the slicer.)
ELAINE
Out, damn heal!
(Knock on the door.)
KRAMER
Elaine?
ELAINE
Kramer?
KRAMER
Yeah listen, I need my slicer back.
ELAINE
Just hold on!
(Elaine bangs the slicer to the door.)
KRAMER
Hey, what's going on?
ELAINE
Nothing...(heal comes loose and Elaine
opens the door.) Here, ok I'm on the
phone alright? I'm on the phone with
someone...
(Elaine closes the door and Kramer checks the slices.)
KRAMER
My blade is all dinged up. Oh, come
on! Elaine!
ELAINE
Phone call! I'm in a big phone call!
KRAMER
Come on, this is important! (Shakes
the door handle and it comes loose.
Kramer falls backwards to the next door.)
NEIGHBOR
Hey, get the hell out of here!
KRAMER
Wow, that's a lot of potatoes.
(5A. Jerry and Kramer.)
KRAMER
So, George took my slicer down to Kruger
and they're smoothing it out for me.
(Jerry comes and shows Kramer his neck, which has red spots all
over it.)
JERRY
What the hell is this?
KRAMER
Boy, that looks like an allergic reaction.
Have you been wearing a fake beard?
JERRY
No.
KRAMER
Well, what have you been doing?
JERRY
Nothing, I got up, run some errands,
I went down to Sara's office and apologized...
KRAMER
Whoa whoa, backup, Dr. Sitarides, what
happened there?
JERRY
Well, I tried to apologise, it didn't
go over that well...
KRAMER
There, there's your hives.
JERRY
What, she gave me hives?
KRAMER
Jerry, as the Bible says; Thou who cureth,
can maketh ill.
JERRY
She did kind of touch my face.
KRAMER
Now you listen to me, you've got to
find this woman and tell her that you're
not a test tube pin cushion.
JERRY
It does itch. Maybe I will go down at
Kruger and talk to her.
KRAMER
Alright, great, because I got to get
down there and pick up my blade. Hey,
and I couldn't find that stock room.
(Elaine tries to go to feed the cat, but door knob comes loose
to her hand.)
ELAINE
Oh, that's fantastic.
(Kruger's. George and Sara.)
GEORGE
I just talked to Mr. Kruger, he'll be
down in a minute. He wanted me to take
a photograph for the record.
SARA
What record?
GEORGE
His personal file, I, I don't ask...
(Jerry and Kramer walk in.)
SARA
Jerry? What brings you here?
JERRY
I don't know, this? (Shows his neck
to Sara.)
SARA
Looks like hives.
JERRY
Where do you suppose that could've come
from?
GEORGE
Jerry, what are you doing...
KRAMER
He is just setting the record straight.
JERRY
Come on Sitarides, cop to it. What brand
of perverted science do you practice?
SARA
Are you suggesting I somehow I infected
you on purpose?
JERRY
I want the antidote, pimple popper!
SARA
That's it, I'm out of here! You're insane.
JERRY
Am I? You touched my face. I didn't
imagine that!
(Sara leaves and Jerry goes after her.)
GEORGE
Dr. Sitarides don't go! Oh, thanks Jerry!
(Kruger comes to George and Kramer. Kramer is wearing the white
butcher's coat.)
KRUGER
Hey George, hey Doc. We doing the screening
here?
GEORGE
Aah, yeah, yeah. Won't you head on in,
we'll be in in a second. Be right with
you.
KRAMER
Doc, huh?
GEORGE
Kramer, this is perfect. I need you
to go in there, pretend you're a doctor
and check this guy for moles.
KRAMER
Moles, yes. Freckle's ugly cousin.
GEORGE
And get a picture of him, with his shirt
off.
KRAMER
You really are cooking up a little scheme
here, aren't you?
GEORGE
Alright, lets get in there. Quick, quick,
quick...
(Elaine's bedroom. Cat is meowing next door.)
ELAINE
This is it. I can take this anymore.
Slow Ride) and "dances" few little kicks.)
(Kruger's. Kramer is examining Mr. Kruger.)
KRAMER
Male mammal. Approximately 30 to 60
years of age. Weight...uh indeterminate.
Ok, Mr. Kruger, we are gonna take a
photo now for the records. So if you'll
stand up please and give me a big smile,
oh no no no, not that big. Yeah, that's
nice, yes okay. Yes, let's have a looksee...ok,
so eh, fiber from shirt on the left
shoulder. I'm gonna have to keep my
on that.
KRUGER
How long have you been doing this Dr.
Van Nostrand?
KRAMER
Uuh, long long time. Yes, I've seen
moles so big they have their own moles.
Freckles that cover two men.
KRUGER
So, how am I looking?
KRAMER
Oh, so far, so good...(looks at Mr.
Kruger's shoulder) yeuye...
(Kramer comes out to talk to George.)
GEORGE
Kramer, I really owe you one.
KRAMER
George, we got a problem.
GEORGE
What?
KRAMER
Well, he's got a mole on his shoulder.
Very suspicious.
GEORGE
So, tell him you're concerned about
it and he should see someone else.
KRAMER
George, why would I, a Juilliard trained
dermatologist, send him to another doctor?
GEORGE
Because, you're not a dermatologist.
KRAMER
He thinks I am. I'm not gonna betray
that trust. Here's what I wanna do;
I think I can get a section...
GEORGE
Whoa, whoa, a section?!
KRAMER
Yeah, if I could crab my slicer and
he'd hold still...
GEORGE
No, you're not taking a deli slicer
to my boss...
KRAMER
It'll be operative thing, he would barely
feel it.
GEORGE
No! Absolutely Not!
KRAMER
Well, it's my medical opinion, that
you're making a big mistake. And it's
going in my chart.
In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida))
ELAINE
Yeah, hello is this Allied Lock Smith?!
Oh, finally, listen I need someone to
come over here right away!
NEIGHBOR
Turn it off! Turn it off!
ELAINE
I am getting a lock smith, alright?!
Relax!
NEIGHBOR
Alright, that's it!
ELAINE
Yeah, the address is 78th West...
(Electric buzz and lights go off and music stops.)
NEIGHBOR
Oh, oh mama...
(5A. Jerry and George.)
JERRY
So, Kramer pulled it off?
GEORGE
Yep, and the photo was all fixed and
back on his desk, no thanks to you.
JERRY
Well, that woman had it coming to her.
Look at my neck, it looks like I had
a beard of bees!
GEORGE
Why don't you see someone about it?
JERRY
I've called everyone. You know how hard
it is to get a dermatologist in this
town? (Kramer comes in) A real dermatologist.
KRAMER
(Points to a page on the book) Squamous
cell carcinoma.
GEORGE
You're not a doctor. You shouldn't even
have books like this.
KRAMER
George, that's what he has and I have
to give him a call. Now we gotta came
clean.
GEORGE
You can't tell him the truth, you're
gonna blow the whole thing.
KRAMER
I don't want this on my conscience.
GEORGE
I'll get him to see a real doctor. You
just stay away from this.
KRAMER
Yeah, alright...
JERRY
Hey, I wonder if they have a picture
of my rash in here.
KRAMER
They've got everything there, Jerry.
I underlined the best parts.
JERRY
Hey, this looks like the thing I have.
Caused by exposure to benzene, a common
ingredient in metal cleaners.
(Kramer cleans the blade with some liquid and a towel.)
KRAMER
Well, that's weird.
JERRY
What are you doing?
KRAMER
Well, I'm cleaning my slicer.
JERRY
That's my hand towel! I use that on
my face, hands and chest! That's where
the hives are coming from! It's not
from Dr. Sitarides, it's from Dr. Van
Nostrand!
KRAMER
So, somehow the Bronzo (?) is reacting
to the poison she's giving you.
JERRY
Alright, get out. And take your Bronzo
with you (throws the bottle to Kramer.)
KRAMER
Ohh, that's toxic. (Jerry throws the
towel over Kramer's head.) Ououou....
(Kruger's office.)
KRUGER
George, come in. I'm just going over
our annual report...boy did we take
it on the chin last year.
GEORGE
Eh, listen Mr. Kruger, I got a message
from Dr. Van Nostrand and he says it
might be wise to you to see another
doctor about that mole.
KRUGER
I'm not too worried about it.
GEORGE
Well, he said it could be cancer, maybe
you should get it checked out.
KRUGER
George, take a look at this photo. This
is taken 10 years ago. That mole looks
exactly as it does today. So, there's
no cause for concern, eh?
GEORGE
Whatever.
KRUGER
Actually, funny thing about this photo.
We were at the beach and there was this
dumb looking guy near by. When he went
in for a swim, my sons and I took all
his stuff and threw it in the ocean!
What a pear shaped loser.
GEORGE
Well, that pear shaped loser was me!
And I was in that photo, until I broke
in here, stole the photograph and airbrushed
myself out of there!
KRUGER
Well, I'll be...you have lost a lot
of hair.
GEORGE
That's what they tell me!
(Jerry, George and Kramer are waiting for the lock smith at the
hallway of Elaine's apartment. Kramer is feeding Elaine under
the door.)
KRAMER
Do you want more pastrami?
ELAINE
Um, what was that last thing you gave
me? That was pretty good.
KRAMER
Yeah, it was olive loaf. You want that?
JERRY
I can't believe Kruger didn't fire you
after all you did.
GEORGE
He said he didn't care. Oh, God I love
that place. Hey, have you seen other
dermatologist?
JERRY
Yeah, I finally got to see Dr. Kazarian.
He said it was really bad.
GEORGE
What did he give you for it.
JERRY
Aloe. So where's that lock smith?
GEORGE
Have to give him time on this hour.
ELAINE
Can I have a zip? (Sticks a straw out
from keyhole.)
KRAMER
Oh yeah, coming up...
THE END
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