THE SNIFFING ACCOUNTANT
Written by
Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld
(Jerry, George and Elaine at Monk's Cafe)
JERRY
So, does he like you?
ELAINE
What do you think?
JERRY
You like him?
ELAINE
Yeah, yeah like him, definitely like
him. I like him a lot.
GEORGE
What's wrong with him?
ELAINE
Nothing, and I've looked.
GEORGE
Well, I'm sure you'll find something.
JERRY
So, how did you meet him?
ELAINE
In the office.
JERRY
So, he's a writer.
ELAINE
Yeah.
JERRY
Yeah, big surprise.
ELAINE
So, I was sitting at the reception desk,
I was looking pretty hot. I was wearing
my sling back pumps.
GEORGE
What are those?
ELAINE
Ask your mother, you live with her now,
don't you? Anyway, so then this guy
comes up to me and starts feeling my
jacket through his thumb and his forefinger
like this.
JERRY
So, what did you do?
ELAINE
I said: "So, what do you think?". And
he said, "Gabardine?". And I said, "Yeah."
That was it.
GEORGE
Wow, just felt your material?
ELAINE
Yeah...Jake Jarmel.
GEORGE
Sounds like a cool guy.
JERRY
Sounds like a jerk. Felt your material,
come on.
GEORGE
Jerry, where did you get that sweater?
JERRY
What do you think? I found it at the
back of my closet.
GEORGE
I think that's what the back of closets
are for.
Elaine looks out the window
ELAINE
Hey, that's Barry. Look it's Barry.
JERRY
Hey...
ELAINE
Hi.
GEORGE
Who's that?
JERRY
That's Barry Prophet, he's our accountant.
GEORGE
I don't know how you can let this guy
handle all your money.
ELAINE
Oh, he doesn't handle my money, he handles
Jerry's money. He just does my taxes.
Barry comes in
JERRY
Hey Barry, how you doing? This is my
friend George.
BARRY
Hi George.
ELAINE
Hi, what are you doing on this neighborhood?
BARRY
Nothing really. sniffs You, eh, you
eat here?
JERRY
Yeah, so how's my money?
BARRY
Still green. sniffs
JERRY
What, you got a cold?
BARRY
No, no.
ELAINE
Wow, look at that ring.
BARRY
Oh, you like that? sniffs Say, where's
the bathroom?
JERRY
Bathroom, bathroom is right over there.
Barry goes to bathroom
JERRY
Did you see that?
ELAINE
See what?
GEORGE
Yes, I saw that.
JERRY
What was all that sniffing?
ELAINE
I don't know.
JERRY
You don't think...?
ELAINE
Oh, no! Come on Jerry.
GEORGE
He was definitely sniffing.
JERRY
I mean what if, what if, this this guy
has got all my money. Plus he has got
some Kramer's money with him. This guy
can write checks to himself right out
of my account.
ELAINE
I have known this guy since college.
He doesn't do drugs.
JERRY
Then, what was all that sniffing?
ELAINE
Maybe it's the cold weather.
JERRY
Today is not cold.
GEORGE
All right, I've got to get going. My
parents are expecting me.
ELAINE
Don't forget to wash your hands before
supper.
Costanza's. George, Estelle and Frank are eating dinner. George
is pounding a ketchup bottle.
FRANK
Why do you need all that ketchup for?
GEORGE
This is my ketchup. I bought this ketchup
just so I could have as much as I want.
FRANK
So, I talked to Phil Casacof today.
ESTELLE
Phil Casacof?
FRANK
Yeah, you know my friend, the bra salesman.
He says they are looking maybe to put
somebody on so I got you an interview
next Friday with his boss.
GEORGE
Next Friday, what time?
FRANK
2 o'clock.
GEORGE
That's my whole afternoon! I was going
to look for sneakers.
FRANK
You can look for sneakers the next day!
ESTELLE
He doesn't know anything about bras.
GEORGE
I know a little. Besides, what do you
have to know?
FRANK
Well, it wouldn't hurt to go in the
and be able to discuss it intelligently.
Maybe you should take a look at a few
bras? Where is you bra? Give him a bra
to look.
ESTELLE
I am not giving him a bra.
FRANK
Why not?
ESTELLE
Because I don't need him looking at
my bra.
FRANK
Why, so he'll go to the interview and
he wouldn't know what he's talking about!?!
GEORGE
Do we have to...?
FRANK
You don't even know what they're made
from.
GEORGE
They are made from lycra-spandex.
FRANK
Get out of here! Lycra-spandex?
ESTELLE
I think they are made from lycra-spandex.
FRANK
Wanna bet? How much you wanna bet?
ESTELLE
I'm not betting!
FRANK
Take a look.
ESTELLE
All right, I'll get a bra.
FRANK
I don't know what the big problem is
getting a bra?!
GEORGE
She doesn't want to get a bra.
FRANK
I'm not saying go to the library and
read the whole history, but it wouldn't
kill you to know a little bit about
it.
GEORGE
All right, it wouldn't kill me.
FRANK
How long it takes to find a bra? What's
going on in there? You ask me to get
a pair of underwear, I'm back in two
seconds...you know about the cup sizes
and all? They have different cups.
GEORGE
I-I know about the cups.
FRANK
You got the A, B, C the D. That's the
biggest.
GEORGE
I know the D is the biggest. I've based
my whole life on knowing that the D
is the biggest.
ESTELLE
Here, here's the bra.
FRANK
Let me see it.
FRANK
Let me see it.
ESTELLE
I told you. Here, think you know everything?
FRANK
Hmm, that's surprising. All right, what
else? You got the cups in the front,
two loops in the back. All right, a
guess that's about it.
GEORGE
I got it. Cups in the front, loops in
the back.
ESTELLE
You got ketchup on it!
George takes his plate and the ketchup and leaves.
-
5A. Jerry and Kramer.
KRAMER
Sniffing, what do you mean sniffing?
JERRY
Sniffing, with his nose.
KRAMER
Jerry, he probably had a cold.
JERRY
No, I asked him.
KRAMER
So, what are you saying?
JERRY
I don't know, you know, what if...?
KRAMER
Drugs? You think he's on drugs?
JERRY
I don't know. All I know he was sniffing.
KRAMER
Jerry, listen, we went in on a CD together.
JERRY
I know.
KRAMER
And Newman gave you money too. I didn't
even meet this guy. We trusted you.
JERRY
Look, it doesn't necessarily mean anything
yet, it just means he was sniffing.
KRAMER
Well, what else? Was he nervous? Did
he use a lot of slang? Did he use the
word 'man'?
JERRY
No, he didn't use 'man'.
KRAMER
I mean when he was leaving did he say
I'm splittin' ?
JERRY
No, but in one point he did use the
bathroom.
KRAMER
Whoh!
JERRY
Do you think that's a bad sign?
KRAMER
Yes!! Yes, that's what they do! They
live in the bathroom! All right, what
are we going to do? We are going to
get our money back, right?
JERRY
I don't know. This sweater really itches
me. You want it?
KRAMER
Yeah.
Elaine's apartment. Jake is there and Elaine comes in.
ELAINE
Hello.... hello, oh...
JAKE
Well, you notice anything?
ELAINE
You have cleaned out the whole apartment
and you're making dinner. Oh, you are
a perfect, you are a perfect man.
Jake feels Elaine's coat material.
JAKE
Ooh...
ELAINE
Did anyone call?
JAKE
I got a few messages, I wrote them down.
ELAINE
Where are they?
JAKE
Lets see, they are...here they are.
ELAINE
Thank you. Heh, I'll call you back.Ooh,
Myra had the baby! Oh, my God that's
wonderful! Who called?
JAKE
She did.
ELAINE
She did? Oh, that's so great!
JAKE
Where do you keep the corkscrew?
ELAINE
In the drawer on the right. Hmm...
JAKE
What?
ELAINE
Oh it's nothing.
JAKE
What is it?
ELAINE
It's nothing.
JAKE
Tell me.
ELAINE
Well, I was just curious why you didn't
use an exclamation point?
JAKE
What are you talking about?
ELAINE
See, right here you wrote "Myra had
the baby", but you didn't use an exclamation
point.
JAKE
So?
ELAINE
So, it's nothing. Forget it, forget
it, I just find it curious.
JAKE
What's so curious about it?
ELAINE
Well, I mean if one of your close friends
had a baby and I left you a message
about it, I would use an exclamation
point.
JAKE
Well, maybe I don't use my exclamation
points as haphazardly as you do.
ELAINE
You don't think that someone having
a baby warrants an exclamation point.
JAKE
Hey, I just chalked down the message.
I didn't know I was required to capture
the mood of each caller.
ELAINE
I just thought you would be a little
more excited about a friend of mine
having a baby.
JAKE
Ok, I'm excited. I just don't happen
to like exclamation points.
ELAINE
Well, you know Jake, you should learn
to use them. Like the way I'm talking
right now, I would put an exclamation
points at the end of all these sentences!
On this one! And on that one!
JAKE
Well, you can put one on this one: I'm
leaving!
5A. Jerry and Elaine
JERRY
You're out of your mind you know that.
ELAINE
What?
JERRY
It's an exclamation point! It's a line
with a dot under it.
ELAINE
Well, I felt a call for one.
JERRY
A call for one, you know I thought I've
heard everything. I've never heard a
relationship being affected by a punctuation.
ELAINE
I found it very troubling that he didn't
use one.
JERRY
George was right. Didn't take you long.
Kramer enters
KRAMER
Anything new on that guy on drugs?
ELAINE
He's not on drugs.
KRAMER
Then why the sniffing? Who walks around
sniff, sniff sniffing?
ELAINE
All right, here, you call him right
now. See if he's sniffing right now.
JERRY
Good idea.
VOICE ON THE PHONE
Prophet and Goldstein.
JERRY
Yes, I'd like to speak to Barry Prophet,
please.
VOICE
I'm sorry he's out of town.
JERRY
Out of town?
VOICE
Yes, he went to South America.
JERRY
South America?
KRAMER
South America?
JERRY
I'll call back, thank you. He went to
South America!
KRAMER
Yyyeeaaah!!
ELAINE
So what?
JERRY
Who goes to South America?
ELAINE
People go to South America.
JERRY
Yeah, and they come back with things
taped to they're large intestine.
ELAINE
So, because of a few bad apples you're
gonna impugn an entire continent?
JERRY
Yes, I'm impugning a continent.
KRAMER
Well, I say we're going to take our
money right now!
Newman enters
NEWMAN
Hey, hey...
JERRY
Hello Newman.
NEWMAN
Hello Jerry. So, any news?
KRAMER
Yeah, he skipped out and ptruut went
to South America!
NEWMAN
South America?! What kind of snow blower
did you get us mixed up with?
ELAINE
Ok, gentlemen. The fact remains you
still have no proof. This is all speculation
and hearsay.
KRAMER
Wait, there is one way to find out.
We set up a sting. You know like Abscam.
Like Abscam Jerry.
ELAINE
What are you gonna do? You gonna put
on a phony beard and dress-up like Arab
sheiks and sit around in some hotel
room. I mean come on...
JERRY
Wait a second. Maybe there is someway
we can tempt him and find out...
NEWMAN
If we put our three heads together we
should come up with something.
-
Jerry, Kramer and Newman in the Saab
KRAMER
What's today?
NEWMAN
It's Thursday.
KRAMER
Really? Feels like Tuesday.
NEWMAN
Tuesday has no feel. Monday has a feel,
Friday has a feel, Sunday has a feel....
KRAMER
I feel Tuesday and Wednesday...
JERRY
All right, shut up the both of you!
You're making me nervous. Where is he
already? He should've been out of work
by now.
NEWMAN
Hey, you know this is kind of fun.
KRAMER
Yeah, maybe we oughta become private
detectives...
JERRY
Yeah maybe you should.
KRAMER
Maybe I will.
NEWMAN
Yeah, me too.
JERRY
All right, what are you gonna say to
him?
KRAMER
Just gonna find out if he's interested.
NEWMAN
Hey, hey maybe I should go with him?
JERRY
No, you stay in the car.
NEWMAN
Who made you the leader?
JERRY
All right Newman, one more peep out
of you and you're out of the whole operation!
There he is. He's going to that bar.
KRAMER
All right, I'm going in.
JERRY
Be careful Kramer.
NEWMAN
I've should've gone in with him.
JERRY
No, you stay here in the car. I may
need you.
NEWMAN
What you need me in the car for?
JERRY
I might need you to get me a soda.
In the bar. Barry is drinking by the counter. Kramer enters.
KRAMER
I'll have a brewsky , Charlie.
BARTENDER
Name's Mitch.
KRAMER
Oh, there's nothing like a cold one
after a long day, eh?
BARRY
Yeah.
KRAMER
Oh yeah, I've been known to drink a
beer or two. But then again, I've been
known to do a lot of things.
Waiter opens the counter which hits Kramer on the head
KRAMER
Cigarette?
BARRY
No, I never touch them.
KRAMER
I suck'em down like Coca-Cola. Well
here's to feeling good all the time.
Kramer drinks the beer and smokes the cigarette at the same time
Barry sniffs
KRAMER
Looks like you've got yourself a little
cold there, eh?
BARRY
I don't think so.
KRAMER
Me neither.
Kramer puts the cigarette wrong way to his mouth
Back in the car with Jerry and Newman.
JERRY
You should try this new dental floss
Glide, it's fantastic.
NEWMAN
I use dental tape.
JERRY
You should try this.
NEWMAN
I don't wanna.
JERRY
Not even once?
NEWMAN
No.
JERRY
You're an idiot.
NEWMAN
Why, because I use dental tape?
JERRY
Right, anyone who uses dental tape is
an idiot.
Back in the bar.
KRAMER
South America?
BARRY
Yeah, yeah.
KRAMER
That's importuning(?) continent.
BARRY
They are expanding their economic base.
KRAMER
Tell me about it.
BARRY
Excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom.
KRAMER
I'm hip.
BARRY
Hip to the what?
KRAMER
To the whole scene. sniff
BARRY
What scene?
KRAMER
The bathroom scene. sniff, sniff
BARRY
Listen, don't take this personally,
but when I'm coming back I'm sitting
over there.
Back in the car. Newman takes a dental floss out of his mouth.
NEWMAN
No, no I don't like it.
JERRY
What do you mean you don't like it?
How could you not like it?
NEWMAN
I like the thick tape.
Newman puts dental floss on the dashboard. Jerry looks disgusted.
The bar. Kramer enters the bathroom, kicks the door open and
takes a photograph.
BARRY
Heeyy!! What kind of a nut are you?
George's job interview.
FARKUS
So, basically the job here is quite
simple. Selling bras.
GEORGE
Well, that interests me very much Mr.
Farkus.Very much indeed, sir.
FARKUS
Have you ever sold a woman's line before?
GEORGE
No, but I have very good repute with
women, very good, top form. And the
first time I laid my I on brassieres
I was enthralled.
FARKUS
Hum. tell me about it.
GEORGE
Well, I was 14 years old. I was in my
friends bathroom. His mother's brassieres
were hanging on the shower rod. I picked
it up, studied it. I thought, I like
this. I didn't know what way or what
level, but I knew: I wanted to be around
brassieres.
FARKUS
That's incredible story. You have a
remarkable passion for brassieres.
GEORGE
They are more than an underwear to me
Mr.Farkus. Two cups in the front, two
loops in the back. How do they do it?
FARKUS
Well, I think I can say, barring some
unforeseen incident, that you'll have
a very bright future here at ED Granmont.
GEORGE
Thank you Mr.Farkus, thank you very
much indeed.
FARKUS
See you monday 9 o'clock.
GEORGE
If you don't mind, sir. I'll be here
at 8.
FARKUS
Excellent.
GEORGE
So long, Mr. Farkus.
George leaves the office and goes to the elevator. A women there
is waiting for the elevator. George felts her blouse material.
MS. DE GRANMONT
What you're think you're doing?
GEORGE
Oh, nothing...
MS. DE GRANMONT
Farkus, get out here!
FARKUS
Yes, Ms. De Granmont?
MS. DE GRANMONT
Who is this pervert little weasel?
FARKUS
This is Costanza, he's our new bra salesman.
He's supposed to start on monday.
MS. DE GRANMONT
If he's here on monday, you're not.
Take a pick.
FARKUS TO GEORGE
Get out!
-
Pendant publishing. Elaine is at Lippman's office.
ELAINE
You wanted to see me, Mr. Lippman?
LIPPMAN
I was just going over the Jake Jarmel
book and I understand you worked with
him very closely.
ELAINE
Yes, krhm, yes I did.
LIPPMAN
And, anyway I was just reading your
final edit, um, there seems to be an
inordinate number of exclamation points.
ELAINE
Well, I felt that the writing lacked
certain emotion and intensity.
LIPPMAN
Oh, "It was damp and chilly afternoon,
so I decided to put on my sweatshirt!"
ELAINE
Right, well...
LIPPMAN
You put exclamation point after sweatshirt?
ELAINE
That's that's correct, I-I felt that
the character doesn't like to be ch-ch-chilly...
LIPPMAN
I see, "I pulled the lever on the machine,
but the Clark bar didn't come out!"
Exclamation point?
ELAINE
Well, yeah, you know how frustrating
that can be when you keep putting quarters
and quarters in to machine and then
prrt nothing comes out...
LIPPMAN
Get rid of the exclamation points...
ELAINE
Ok, ok ok ...
LIPPMAN
I hate exclamation points...
ELAINE
...ok I'll just....
--
5A. Jerry, Kramer, Newman writing a letter. Elaine reads on the
couch.
JERRY
'Dear Barry. Consider this letter to
be official termination of our relationship
effective immediately.'
KRAMER
Exclamation point.
ELAINE
You still have no proof.
KRAMER
Elaine, he was sniffing like crazy around
me.
JERRY
'I will expect all funds in form of
cashier checks no later than the 18th'.
KRAMER
Double exclamation point!
NEWMAN
Will that take care of ours too?
JERRY
Yeah, I'll give you yours as soon as
I get my money back.
NEWMAN
Hey, you want me to mail it? I'm on
my way out anyway.
JERRY
Yeah, thanks.
NEWMAN
It'll be my pleasure.
Kramer puts the photograph to the envelope. Newman and Kramer
laughs and Newman leaves.
NEWMAN
See'ya later.
JERRY
You know this...
Knock on the door. It's pizzaguy
KRAMER
Hey, Ralph.
JERRY
Hi Ralph.
RALPH
What's up fellows? That'll be 14,30.
JERRY
All right.
KRAMER
Mushrooms, you got mushrooms Jerry?
JERRY
Yeah.
Ralph sniffs and rubs his eyes.
KRAMER
What's the matter? You've got a cold?
RALPH
No Kramer, what is this?
KRAMER
It's a sweater.
RALPH
What's it made out of?
KRAMER
I don't know, Jerry gave it to me.
JERRY
Mohair, I think.
RALPH
Mohair, that figures, I'm allergic to
mohair.
JERRY
You mean you just started sniffing?
RALPH
Yeah, mohair does it to me every time.
Ralph leaves
JERRY
I was wearing that sweater in the coffee
shop when Barry came in.
KRAMER
Jerry, I was wearing it in the bar.
ELAINE
The sweater! The sweater made him sniff!
I told you he wasn't a drug addict.
JERRY
Oh no! The letter, Newman, it's got
exclamation points all over it!
KRAMER
Not to mention the picture of him on
the toilet.
Jerry leaves the door and comes back second later
JERRY
The what??
Newman is taking the letter to the mailbox. There's a woman at
same time at the letterbox.
NEWMAN
After you.
WOMAN
Thank you.
Newman feels the woman's coat material.
WOMAN
Get your hands off of me! Johnny!!!
Johnny!
Newman rushes away dropping the letter on the ground.
Costanza's
FRANK
What do you mean you felt the material?
What, with your fingers like this?
GEORGE
So what, what is so bad about that?
ESTELLE
Who goes around feeling people's material?
What can be gained feeling a person's
material? It's insanity!
FRANK
What ever happened to "Why, that's a
lovely dress you have on. May I have
this dance?"!!
At the cafe. Kramer and Elaine.
ELAINE
You are really lucky Newman never mailed
that letter.
JERRY
Sorry I'm late, I just came from a meeting
with my lawyer.
ELAINE
What is this?
JERRY
It's a letter from your friend Barry
Prophet's lawyer.
ELAINE
He is filing a chapter eleven. Why,
what's going on, why is he filing a
chapter eleven?
JERRY
Bankruptcy, bankruptcy...as in I've
taken your money and spent it on drugs!
ELAINE
What do you mean, I thought it was the
sweater.
KRAMER
All right, What about the money?
JERRY
What about the money? Apparently if
I had dissolved my relationship with
him prior to his filing chapter eleven,
I've could've got the money back. Which
I
would've done, if for certain imbecile had been able to get to
a mailbox and mail a letter!!
Newman enters and goes to the counter.
NEWMAN
Pair of bear claws, please.
Jerry approaches Newman, but some women comes between and feels
Jerry's shirt.
WOMAN
Nice.
JERRY
Think so?
WOMAN
Yeah, what is it?
JERRY
Half silk, half cotton, half linen.
How can you go wrong?
THE END
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