THE SPONGE
Written by
Peter Mehlman
(Comedy club)
JERRY
I have a friend, wears eyeglasses, no
prescription in the glasses because
he thinks it makes him look more intelligent,
now why? Why do we think that glasses
makes us look more intelligent? Is it
from the endless hours of reading and
studying and researching that this person
supposedly blew out their eyeballs,
and that's why they need the glasses?
It's just a corrective device. If you
see someone with a hearing aid, you
don't think, 'Oh, they must have been
listening real good...yeah, to a lot
of important stuff...' No, they are
deaf. They can't hear.
(Jerry and Elaine in a booth at Monk's. Kramer comes over from
the counter with a clipboard in his hand)
KRAMER
Hey, boys and girls. I need you both
to sponsor me in the AIDS walk.
ELAINE
Is that tomorrow?
KRAMER
Yeah, yeah, so...git-git...(gestures
to Elaine to sign the form.)
ELAINE
Well, I admire you for joining the fight
against AIDS.
KRAMER
Well, if I didn't do something I wouldn't
be able to live with myself.
JERRY
It's hard enough living next door.
KRAMER
I tell ya, there's some people, they
just wear a ribbon and they think they're
doin' something? Not me. I talk the
talk, and I walk the walk, baby. (gets
up) I'll be right back.
(Jerry stands up and gets a bottle of ketchup from the next table.)
ELAINE
New jeans?
JERRY
Yeah.
ELAINE
Still a 31 waist?
JERRY
Yep. Since college. (Looks at Kramer's
AIDS walk list.) Hey, Lena Small's on
this list.
ELAINE
Lena Small?
JERRY
Yeah, that girl I was gonna call for
a date, she was unlisted...and now here's
her number.
ELAINE
Oh, you're not gonna cop a girl's phone
number off an AIDS charity list!
JERRY
Elaine, you should admire me...I'm aspiring
to date a giving person.
ELAINE
You're a taking person.
JERRY
That's why I should date a giving person.
If I date a taking person, everyone's
taking, taking, taking, no one's giving
- it's bedlam.
ELAINE
She's gonna ask how you got her number.
JERRY
Oh, I'll tell her I met some guy who
knew her and he gave it to me.
ELAINE
What's he look like?
JERRY
I really didn't pay much attention,
I'd just come from buying a speedboat.
ELAINE
You're buying a speedboat?
JERRY
See, we're already off the subject of
how I got her number. (Elaine laughs.)
All I gotta do is get past the first
phone call and I'm home free.
ELAINE
I don't know about that.
JERRY
So if Billy had gotten your number off
the AIDS walk list, you wouldn't have
gone out with him?
ELAINE
Well...
JERRY
Yeah. So you really like this guy.
ELAINE
Very much.
JERRY
How's the...sexual chemistry?
ELAINE
Haven't been in the lab yet. But I am
birth control shopping today. (Kramer
overhears as he returns to the booth.)
KRAMER
Are you still on the pill?
ELAINE
Uh, Kramer...
KRAMER
I'll tell ya, I think birth control
should be discussed in an open forum.
ELAINE
The sponge, o.k.? The Today sponge.
KRAMER
But wasn't that taken off the market?
ELAINE
Off the market? The sponge? No, no...no
way. Everybody loves the sponge.
KRAMER
I read it in Wall Street Week...Louis,
uh, Rukeyser.
(Elaine laughs.)
(Jerry on the phone in his apartment)
JERRY
Hello, Lena? Hi, it's Jerry Seinfeld.
How did I get your number? I met a guy
that knows you, he gave it to me...I
don't remember his name. Think it began
with a W, maybe a Q. I wasn't paying
that much attention, I'd just come from
shopping for a speedboat...
George and Susan in George's car.
SUSAN
You know, I really like those new jeans
Jerry was wearing. He's really thin.
GEORGE
Not as thin as you think.
SUSAN
Why? He's a 31. I saw the tag on the
back.
GEORGE
The tag, huh?
SUSAN
Mmm-hmm.
GEORGE
Let me tell you something about that
tag. It's no 31, and uh...let's just
leave it at that.
SUSAN
What are you talking about?
GEORGE
He scratches off a 32 and he puts in
31.
SUSAN
Oh, how could he be so vain?
GEORGE
Well, this is the Jerry Seinfeld that
only I know. I can't believe I just
told you that.
SUSAN
Why not?
GEORGE
Well, Jerry doesn't want anyone to know.
SUSAN
Well, it's alright, I'm your fiance.
Everyone assumes you'll tell me everything.
GEORGE
Where did you get that from?
SUSAN
Well, we're a couple. It's understood.
GEORGE
I never heard of that.
SUSAN
Well, you've never been a couple.
GEORGE
I've coupled! I've coupled!
SUSAN
Keeping secrets! This is just like your
secret bank code.
GEORGE
This is totally different! That was
my secret, this is Jerry's secret! There's...there's
attorney-client priveleges here! If
I play it by your rule, no one'll ever
confide in me again, I'll be cut out
of the loop!
George arrives at Jerry's apartment.
GEORGE
Hey.
JERRY
Hey. What's the matter?
GEORGE
I had a fight with Susan.
JERRY
What about?
GEORGE
Oh...(is about to tell Jerry, but reconsiders)
...clothing, something, I dunno. So,
uh, what are you doing today?
JERRY
I got a date with that girl, Lena.
GEORGE
Lena, how'd you meet her?
JERRY
I actually met her a few weeks ago,
but... (Jerry stops, and mentally visualizes
George telling Susan about how Jerry
got Lena's number from the AIDS list...then
Susan passing the information along
to Monica on the phone at work.)
GEORGE
You met her a few weeks ago, but...?
JERRY
I didn't call her till today.
GEORGE
So, uh...wanna double?
JERRY
What?
GEORGE
Well, I just had a fight - I need a
group dynamic.
JERRY
I dunno. (Elaine enters.) Hey.
ELAINE
Well, Kramer was right. My friend Kim
told me the sponge is off the market.
JERRY
So what are you gonna do?
ELAINE
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do - I'm
gonna do a hard-target search. Of every
drug store, general store, health store
and grocery store in a 25-block radius.
GEORGE
Just for these sponges?
ELAINE
Hey man, women are really loyal to their
birth control methods. What does Susan
use?
GEORGE
I dunno.
ELAINE
You don't know?
GEORGE
I, uh...figure it's something. (Kramer
enters.)
JERRY
What are you all out of breath from?
KRAMER
The elevator just broke. I had to walk
up five flights.
JERRY
And you got the AIDS walk tomorrow.
You're never gonna make it, you're in
horrible shape.
KRAMER
Hey, I'm in tip-top shape. Better than
you!
JERRY
I got a 31 waist, mister!
KRAMER
Yeah, well I'm walking for charity,
what are you doing?
JERRY
What am I doing? I'm...dating a woman
who happens to be sponsoring one of
these walkers.
a musical montage of Elaine's "hard-target search" - visiting
stores and pharmacies all over town and not finding a sponge
anywhere. She ends up at the Pasteur Pharmacy.
PHARMACIST
Can I help you?
ELAINE
Yeah, do you have any Today sponges?
I know they're off the market, but...
PHARMACIST
Actually, we have a case left.
ELAINE
A case! A case of sponges? I mean, uh...a
case. Huh. Uh...how many come in a case?
PHARMACIST
Sixty.
ELAINE
Sixty?! Uh...well, I'll take three.
PHARMACIST
Three.
ELAINE
Make it ten.
PHARMACIST
Ten?
ELAINE
Twenty sponges should be plenty.
PHARMACIST
Did you say twenty?
ELAINE
Yeah, twenty-five sponges is just fine.
PHARMACIST
Right. So, you're set with twenty-five.
ELAINE
Yeah. Just give me the whole case and
I'll be on my way.
Jerry and Lena having dinner in a restaurant with George and
Susan.
JERRY
Hey, I have found the best-smelling
detergent. Lena, smell my shirt.
LENA
Mmm! Very nice.
JERRY
It's All-Tempa-Cheer.
LENA
I use Planet. It's bio-degradable and
doesn't pollute the oceans.
GEORGE
Yeah, the oceans really are getting
very sudsy.
LENA
Can you wrap up all the left-overs on
the table, please? I always take the
left-overs. I work in a soup kitchen
every morning at 6 a.m.
JERRY
They serve soup at 6 a.m.?
LENA
Yeah. That's all they have.
JERRY
Do the bums ever complain? "Soup again?"
GEORGE
I'd get tired of it.
JERRY
How could you not?
LENA
Guess who volunteered last week?
GEORGE
Mick Jagger.
LENA
No. Maya Angelou.
SUSAN
Oh, the poet!
JERRY
So, let me ask you something - these
people eat soup three times a day?
LENA
I don't know.
SUSAN
So, did you get to talk to her?
LENA
Talk to who?
JERRY
Is it a lot of cream soups?
SUSAN
Maya Angelou, the poet.
LENA
No, I didn't get the chance.
GEORGE
Oh, well, I'm sure you can reach her...she's
a poet. What does a poet need an unlisted
number for?
(Jerry gives George a surprised look. George looks back, puzzled.)
SUSAN
I'm going to the ladies room.
LENA
I'll go with you. (They leave.)
GEORGE
What are you looking at me like that
for?
JERRY
Why'd you have to mention 'unlisted
number'?
GEORGE
What are you talking about?
JERRY
Alright, I gotta tell you something,
but you cannot tell Susan.
(George's interest is peaked.)
George and Susan in the car on the way home.
SUSAN
Jerry got her phone number off of an
AIDS walk list? Oh, that's awful!
GEORGE
I know, but don't say anything to anyone.
He told me not to tell you.
SUSAN
But you told me anyway?
GEORGE
Well, you know, I was thinking about
what you said before, and...you're right,
I've never really been a couple, so...if
that's the rule, then I'm gonna go by
the rule.
SUSAN
Thank you, honey.
GEORGE
So, you wanna go home and...make up,
officially?
SUSAN
Can we stop by a drug store first?
GEORGE
What for?
SUSAN
I'm out of birth control stuff.
GEORGE
Oh, o.k., yeah. Where am I gonna park
here...? (Pulls over.)
SUSAN
Oh, don't park. I'll just sit in the
car, you can run in.
GEORGE
Me run in? Why don't you run in?
SUSAN
You don't know what I use for birth
control, do you?
GEORGE
Of course I do.
SUSAN
You do? What?
GEORGE
You know. You use the, uh...(mutters
something unintelligible under his breath.)
SUSAN
The what?
GEORGE
You know, the uh...(mutters it again.)
SUSAN
Just get me some sponges, please.
GEORGE
Wait, wait a minute...they don't have
them anymore. I just found out, they
just took them off the market.
SUSAN
Off the market? The sponge?
GEORGE
Yeah, so you gotta use something else.
SUSAN
I can't! I love the sponge! I need the
sponge!
GEORGE
O.k....(thinks) I think I know where
we can get one.
Jerry approaching his apartment door. He hears the sound of a
loud group of people from inside Kramer's place. He knocks on
Kramer's door. Kramer answers.
JERRY
Kramer, what the hell is going on in
there?
KRAMER
It's a poker game...(yells to the crowd)
And I'm kickin' some serious butt!
JERRY
Are you out of your mind? You got the
AIDS walk tomorrow!
KRAMER
Oh, you gotta be kiddin'! You see those
two ladies I got showin'? Do they look
scared?!
JERRY
You're never gonna make it!
(Kramer giggles and returns to the game.)
Elaine and Billy in Elaine's apartment, kissing passionately
on the sofa.
BILLY
You, uh...you wanna go in the bedroom?
ELAINE
O.k. Hold on just a second. (Gets up
and heads to the bathroom. George knocks
at the door.)
GEORGE
Elaine? It's me, George. (Elaine opens
the door.) Hey, sorry to bother you
so late. (To Billy) Hey! How ya doin.'
(To Elaine) Uh, did you get any of those
sponges?
ELAINE
Yeah. Cleaned out the whole west side.
Why?
GEORGE
Well...Susan.
ELAINE
Ah, Susan uses the sponge.
GEORGE
Susan loves the sponge.
ELAINE
Yeah, I'm sorry, George. I can't help
you out.
GEORGE
What?
ELAINE
I can't do it. No way, there's no how.
(Tries to push George out the door.
George resists.)
GEORGE
Elaine...let me just explain something
to you. See, this is not just a weekend
routine...I'm on the verge of make-up
sex here. You know about make-up sex?
ELAINE
Oh yeah, I know all about make-up sex,
and I'm really sorry. (Shoves George
into the hallway and closes the door.
George blocks the door with his foot.)
GEORGE
Elaine, can I just explain something
to you very privately here? Susan and
I have been together many, many times
now, and just between you and me, there's
really no big surprises here, so...make-up
sex is all that I have left.
ELAINE
I'm sure you'll have another fight,
George. (Stamps on George's foot and
closes the door.) (To Billy) Hold that
thought!
(Elaine goes into the bathroom for a sponge, but then stops and
reconsiders.)
Susan talking on the phone with Monica.
SUSAN
So, listen to this. But don't tell anyone
- Jerry Seinfeld? He got a woman's number
off an AIDS walk list.
(Cut to Monica at home talking on the phone with Susan.)
MONICA
He got her number off an AIDS walk list?
(Cut to Lena at home talking on the phone with Monica.)
LENA
He what?
Commercial break.
Jerry and Lena in Jerry's apartment.
JERRY
How'd you find out?
LENA
A friend of a friend of a friend of
Susan's.
JERRY
George!
LENA
Pardon?
JERRY
Nothing. Listen, I'm sorry, I just -
LENA
It's o.k.! There's nothing to be sorry
about. I don't mind.
JERRY
You don't mind that I got your number
off the AIDS walk list?
LENA
No, not at all. No problem. (Jerry looks
at Lena suspiciously. Lena leaves with
all of Kramer's poker buddies, who are
filing out of Kramer's apartment.)
KRAMER
Ah, you're lucky you're walkin' out
of here with a pair of pants on!
JERRY
You went all night?
KRAMER
Jerry, ah? Breakfast on me, huh?
JERRY
Kramer, are you out of your mind? You
got the AIDS walk in like, three hours!
You're never gonna make it!
KRAMER
AIDS walk! That's a cake walk. (George
enters.) Hey!
JERRY
So, George, guess what? Lena found out
how I got her number.
GEORGE
Really? How'd she do that?
JERRY
A friend of a friend of Susan's.
GEORGE
My Susan?
JERRY
Why'd you tell her?!
GEORGE
Because, Jerry, it's a couple rule!
We have to tell each other everything!
JERRY
Well you know what this means, don't
you?
GEORGE
What?
//tinyurl.com/2b9c width=200 )
JERRY
You're cut off, you're out of the loop!
GEORGE
You're cutting me off? No, no, no Jerry,
don't cut me off!
JERRY
You leave me no choice! You're the media
now as far as I'm concerned!
GEORGE
C'mon Jerry, please! It won't happen
again.
JERRY
If you were in the mafia, would you
tell her every time you killed someone?
GEORGE
Hey, a "hit" is a totally different
story.
JERRY
I don't know, George.
GEORGE
So, Lena was upset, huh?
JERRY
You know what? That was the amazing
thing.
GEORGE
What, it didn't bother her?
JERRY
No, she said it was fine. There's something
very strange about this girl.
GEORGE
What?
JERRY
She's too good.
GEORGE
Too good...
JERRY
I mean, she's giving and caring and
genuinely concerned about the welfare
of others - I can't be with someone
like that!
GEORGE
I see what you mean.
JERRY
I mean, I admire the hell out of her.
You can't have sex with someone you
admire.
GEORGE
Where's the depravity?
JERRY
No depravity! I mean, I look at her,
I can't imagine she even has sex.
(Elaine enters.)
JERRY
On the other hand...
ELAINE
What?
GEORGE
Thanks again for last night!
ELAINE
Hey, I didn't even use one.
JERRY
I thought you said it was imminent.
ELAINE
Yeah, it was, but then I just couldn't
decide if he was really sponge-worthy.
JERRY
Sponge-worthy?
ELAINE
Yeah, Jerry, I have to conserve these
sponges.
JERRY
But you like this guy, isn't that what
the sponges are for?
ELAINE
Yes, yes - before they went off the
market. I mean, now I've got to re-evaluate
my whole screening process. I can't
afford to waste any of 'em.
GEORGE
You know, you're nuts with these sponges.
George is gettin' frustrated!
Kramer signing in at the AIDS walk.
KRAMER
Uh, Cosmo Kramer?
ORGANIZER
Uh...o.k., you're checked in. Here's
your AIDS ribbon.
KRAMER
Uh, no thanks.
ORGANIZER
You don't want to wear an AIDS ribbon?
KRAMER
No.
ORGANIZER
But you have to wear an AIDS ribbon.
KRAMER
I have to?
ORGANIZER
Yes.
KRAMER
See, that's why I don't want to.
ORGANIZER
But everyone wears the ribbon. You must
wear the ribbon!
KRAMER
You know what you are? You're a ribbon
bully. (Walks away.)
ORGANIZER
Hey you! Come back here! Come back here
and put this on!
George and Susan in a booth at the coffee shop.
GEORGE
Elaine and her sponges...she's got like,
a war chest full of them.
SUSAN
Well, I don't see why you just can't
use condoms.
GEORGE
Oh, no, no...condoms are for single
men. The day that we got engaged, I
said goodbye to the condom forever.
SUSAN
Just once...for the make-up sex.
GEORGE
Make-up sex? You have to have that right
after the fight, we're way past that.
SUSAN
Come on, just once?
GEORGE
No, no...I hate the condom.
SUSAN
Why?
GEORGE
I can never get the package open in
time.
SUSAN
Well, you just tear it open.
GEORGE
It's not that easy. It's like "Beat
The Clock," there's a lot of pressure
there.
Kramer in the AIDS walk.
WALKER #1
Hey, where's your ribbon?
KRAMER
Oh, I don't wear the ribbon.
WALKER #2
Oh, you don't wear the ribbon? Aren't
you against AIDS?
KRAMER
Yeah, I'm against AIDS. I mean, I'm
walking, aren't I? I just don't wear
the ribbon.
WALKER #3
Who do you think you are?
WALKER #1
Put the ribbon on!
WALKER #2
Hey, Cedric! Bob! This guy won't wear
a ribbon! (Cedric and Bob turn around
and glare at Kramer.)
BOB
Who? Who does not want to wear the ribbon?
(Kramer is frightened.)
Elaine and Billy in her apartment.
ELAINE
So, you think you're sponge-worthy?
BILLY
Yes, I think I'm sponge-worthy. I think
I'm very sponge-worthy.
ELAINE
Run down your case for me again...?
BILLY
Well, we've gone out several times,
we obviously have a good rapport. I
own a very profitable electronics distributing
firm. I eat well. I exercise. Blood
tests - immaculate. And if I can speak
frankly, I'm actually quite good at
it.
ELAINE
You going to do something about your
sideburns?
BILLY
Yeah, I told you...I'm going to trim
my sideburns.
ELAINE
And the bathroom in your apartment?
BILLY
Cleaned it this morning.
ELAINE
The sink, the tub, everything got cleaned?
BILLY
Everything, yeah. It's spotless.
ELAINE
Alright, let's go. (They head for the
bedroom.)
Jerry arrives at Lena's apartment.
JERRY
Hi.
LENA
Hi! Hey, look at this - I just got a
citation in the mail for my work with
shut-ins.
JERRY
Oh, the shut-ins, that's nice. You know,
they're a very eccentric group. Because
they're shut in. Of course, they're
not locked in, they're free to go at
anytime.
LENA
Oh, by the way, I checked at the soup
kitchen - they do have cream soups.
JERRY
Hey, that's dynamite. You know, Lena,
I wanted to talk to you about something...you
know, because you're such a good person
-
LENA
Oh, hang onto that thought - I'm rinsing
a sweater, I left the water running.
(Goes into the bathroom.) Hey, Jerry,
can you get me a towel out of my bedroom
closet?
JERRY
Oh, o.k. (Goes to the closet for the
towel and finds dozens of boxes of Today
sponges.)
JERRY'S BRAIN
Oh my god! Look what's goin' on here!
She is depraved! (Grabs a towel and
brings it to Lena.) There you are.
LENA
Thanks. So, you were saying...?
JERRY
What? Nothing.
LENA
No, you said I was a good person...
JERRY
Oh...
LENA
You seem like you want to tell me something.
JERRY
Tell you something...I do.
LENA
What is it, Jerry? You can tell me anything.
JERRY
Oh, uh...you see these jeans I'm wearing?
LENA
Yeah.
JERRY
I change the 32 waist on the label to
a 31 on all my jeans. So, you know.
That's it. (Lena is puzzled.)
George and Susan in bed. We see George's hands struggling to
open a condom wrapper.
SUSAN
Come on, George, just tear it open.
GEORGE
I'm trying, dammit.
SUSAN
Tear it.
GEORGE
I tried to tear it from the side, you
can't get a good grip here. You gotta
do it like a bag of chips.
SUSAN
Here give it to me.
GEORGE
Would you wait a second? Just wait?
(They fight over it.)
SUSAN
Give it to me. (She rips it open.) Come
on. Come on!
GEORGE
It's too late.
Kramer surrounded by Cedric, Bob, and the other walkers.
BOB
So! What's it going to be? Are you going
to wear the ribbon?
KRAMER
No! Never.
BOB
But I am wearing the ribbon. He is wearing
the ribbon. We are all wearing the ribbon!
So why aren't you going to wear the
ribbon!?
KRAMER
This is America! I don't have to wear
anything I don't want to wear!
CEDRIC
What are we gonna do with him?
BOB
I guess we are just going to have to
teach him to wear the ribbon!
(Kramer tries to climb up a fire escape, but the mob grabs him
and pulls him back down. Kramer screams.)
Jerry and George waiting for Kramer at the finish line.
JERRY
It completely turned her off.
GEORGE
Well, I can see that. What do you have
to do that for? Who cares about your
pants size?
JERRY
I don't wanna be a 32.
GEORGE
I'd kill to be a 32.
JERRY
She said I wasn't sponge-worthy. Wouldn't
waste a sponge on me!
GEORGE
That condom killed me. Why do they have
to make the wrappers on those things
so hard to open?
JERRY
It's probably so the woman has one last
chance to change her mind.
GEORGE
You never run out, do you? (Jerry smiles.)
Where's Kramer? Everything's finished
here.
JERRY
Oh, I told him he'd never make it. He
was up all night! Oh my god...Kramer?
(They see Kramer staggering towards them with cuts and bruises,
clothes torn, one shoe off. He collapses and crawls across the
finish line.)
JERRY
Look at you. I told you. Up all night
playing poker. Come on. (Jerry and George
are about to leave. George turn's back
and looks at Kramer.)
GEORGE
Hey, where's you AIDS ribbon?
(Kramer looks at George unbelievingly.)
Elaine and Billy in bed the next morning.
ELAINE
Good morning.
BILLY
How'd you sleep?
ELAINE
Great. You?
BILLY
Fine, fine. Everything o.k.?
ELAINE
Yep.
BILLY
No regrets?
ELAINE
Nope. (Billy leans in to kiss her.)
What are you doing?
BILLY
What do you mean?
ELAINE
Oh...I don't think so.
BILLY
Why not? I thought you said everything
was fine.
ELAINE
I wish I could help you, but I can't
afford two of 'em. (Pats Billy on the
shoulder and gets out of bed.)
THE END
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