THE STAKEOUT
Written by
Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld
(Opening comedy)
JERRY
So, I'm on line at the supermarket.
Two women in front of me. One of
them, her total was eight dollars, the other three dollars. They
both
of course choose to pay by the use of the (pause and gesture
to audience
for response)
AUDIENCE
Cheque
JERRY
Cheque. Now, the fact is, if it's a
woman in front of you that's
writing the cheque, you will not be waiting long. I have noticed
that
women are very *fast* with cheques, y'know, 'cuz they write out
so many
cheques. The keys, they can never find in their purse, they don't
know
where that is, but the cheque book they got that. They never
fumble for
book from an imaginary holster) ``Who do I make it out to?...
There's my
ID...''. There's something about a cheque that, to a man, is
not masculine.
I don't know exactly what it is... I think to a man, a cheque
is like a note
from your mother that says ``I don't have any money, but if you'll
contact these people, I'm sure they'll stick up for me... If
you
just trust me this one time I don't have any money but I have
these... I wrote on these; is this of any value at all?''
(End stand-up)
JERRY
What's that one?
ELAINE
"Coccoon II: The Return". I guess they
didn't like it up there...
JERRY
Maybe they came back for Chinese food.
Y'know Maureen Stapleton, if
she gets a craving, she's probably screamin' at those aliens,
"I gotta have a Lo mein!"
ELAINE
Okay, what're we doing here? I have
seen *everything*.
JERRY
Oh yeah? I don't believe you've seen...
this.
ELAINE
Oh, lovely...
JERRY
Yeah...
ELAINE
What do you think their parents think?
JERRY
"So, uh, what's your son doing now,
Dr. Stevens?"
"Oh, he's a public fornicator. Yes, he's a fine boy..."
ELAINE
Y'know what? This would be a really
funny gift for Pamela's
birthday.
JERRY
Pamela? Do I know her?
ELAINE
Yeah, you met her when we were going
out.
JERRY
Oh yeah, right...
ELAINE
You have *no* idea who I'm talking about,
do you?
JERRY
(quickly) No.
ELAINE
Blonde hair remember? Glasses? (pause)
Have you *totally* blocked
out the entire time we were a couple?
JERRY
Riverside Drive.
ELAINE
Right! In fact... No, never mind...
JERRY
Well, what is it?
ELAINE
Well, a bunch of people are getting
together tomorrow night at some
bar for her birthday, but... you don't want to go to... that...
no.
JERRY
Wait a second, wait a second. We could
work out a little deal here.
ELAINE
What little deal?
JERRY
I will go to that, if you go with me
to a little family wedding I
have on Saturday.
ELAINE
A *wedding*!? Have you *lost* it, man?
JERRY
Y'know, my parents are coming in for
this...
ELAINE
They're coming in?
JERRY
Yeah, tomorrow.
ELAINE
Hey, did your father ever get that hair
weave?
JERRY
No, no... Still doin' the big *sweep*
across.
ELAINE
Why does he do that?
JERRY
Doesn't think anyone can tell?
JERRY
So c'mon, do we have a deal?
ELAINE
A *wedding*?
JERRY
There's a lot of people to mock...
ELAINE
Alright, what the Hell.
JERRY
Great!
WOMAN
When you're dead, you're dead. That's
it. You're not goin'
anywhere...
ELAINE
C'mon lets go, c'mon...
JERRY
Was I supposed to bring something?
ELAINE
You could have.
JERRY
I met her *one* time...
ELAINE
It is not necessary.
JERRY
What did you say then?
ELAINE
Sssshhhhhh!!!
PAMELA
Hi
ELAINE
Hi Pamela, you remember Jerry.
PAMELA
Yes, we met.
JERRY
Hi, happy birthday.
PAMELA
Ahh, everybody, this is Elaine and Jerry.
GUESTS
Hi
JERRY
I didn't bring anything.
PAMELA
Ahh, I put you two right here.
JERRY
Oh, Okay (turns to rest of table) I'm
sorry, I didn't know what
to bring, nobody told me.
VANESSA
How big a tip do you think it'd take
to get him to stop?
JERRY
I'm in for five...
VANESSA
I'll supply the hat.
JERRY
(To himself) Uh-oh... What do we have
here...
VANESSA
Why don't you relax and take your jacket
off?
JERRY
Oh, I can't-- I have a tendency to get
chilly.
VANESSA
How masculine...
JERRY
Plus I'm wearing short sleeves, I don't
want to expose my tattoos.
(To himself) She's unbelievable!
ROGER
(To Vanessa) Hey, this guy says he knows
Bricker...
VANESSA
Oh, you know Bricker! From where?
JERRY
(To himself) What's going on here? Gotta
be her boyfriend, she's
too good to be alone... What's the difference, I can't maneuver
anyway with Elaine next to me...
VANESSA
(To Jerry) How do you know Pamela?
JERRY
Friend of a friend. And you?
VANESSA
We went to law school together.
ELAINE
Oh, Jerry!
JERRY
(To himself) Oh no, not *now*...
ELAINE
I had this dream last night and you
were in it.
JERRY
Oh really... (To himself) Oh God, I
gotta get out of this...
ELAINE
You were you, but, you weren't you...
JERRY
No kidding... (To himself) Why is this
happening? Please, make
her stop!
ELAINE
I think, I think we were in my house
where I grew up, and you were
standing there, you were looking out the window--
JERRY
(To himself) This is *brutal*...
ELAINE
You turned around and you had these
wooden teeth...
JERRY
How do you like that... (To himself)
Can I turn now? Is this
over? No, I can't, I can't... I'm stuck...
ELAINE
Jerry? Are you listening to me?
JERRY
Yes, I *heard* you.
PAMELA
Elaine, what's the name of that jewelry
store you took me to that
time?
JERRY
(To himself) Thank *you*, Pamela!
JERRY
(To Vanessa) So, you're a lawyer...
VANESSA
Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and
Taft.
JERRY
(To himself, quickly) Sagman, Bennet,
Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft.
Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft...
(To Vanessa) Of course, they handled my tattoo removal lawsuit!
VANESSA
Oh, that was you!
JERRY
Imagine, spelling "Mom" with two O's...
VANESSA
Very funny! What do you do?
JERRY
Comedian.
VANESSA
Really... That explains it...
JERRY
(To himself, quickly) Sagman, Bennet,
Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft.
Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft.
ROGER
Are you ready?
VANESSA
We gotta run. Happy birthday!
JERRY
(To himself) I can't believe it-- I
got *nothing*! I don't even
know her name!
JERRY
(To himself, *very* quickly) Sagman,
Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and
Taft. Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppen... Sagman... Sag...
JERRY
That wasn't so bad, really...
ELAINE
Y'know, uh, you could use a little work
on your manners.
JERRY
Why? What did I do?
ELAINE
Well, I just don't appreciate these
little "courtesy responses",
like I'm selling you aluminum siding.
JERRY
I was listening!
ELAINE
No! You couldn't wait to get back to
your little... "conversation".
JERRY
No, you were talking about the, the
um, the dream you had.
ELAINE
Uh-huh...
JERRY
Where you had, uh, wooden teeth.
ELAINE
No! No! *You* had wooden teeth! *You*
had wooden teeth! *I*
didn't have wooden teeth, *you* did!
JERRY
Alright, so *I* had wooden teeth, so
what?
ELAINE
So nothing... Nothing...
JERRY
Apparently Plato, who came up with the
concept of the platonic
relationship, was pretty excited about it. He named it after
himself. He said ``Yeah, I got this new thing-- "platonic". My
idea, my name, callin' it after myself... What I do is, I go
*out*
with the girls, I *talk* with them-- don't *do* anything... and
go
right home. What'dya think? I think it's going to be *big*!''
I bet you there were other guys in history that tried to get
relationships named after them, but it didn't work. Y'know, I
bet
Rico. Would you like to go to bed immediately? Hey, it's a
*"Riconic"* relationship...''
JERRY
Hey!
MORTY
Ah, there he is!
JERRY
This is what I like, see? You come home
and your parents are in your
bed!
HELEN
Y'know, Jerry, we don't have to do this...
JERRY
What are you talkin' about? It's fine,
I love having you here...
HELEN
Tomorrow we'll go to a hotel.
JERRY
Ma, will you stop?
HELEN
No, why should we take over your apartment?
JERRY
I don't care-- I'm sleeping next door.
HELEN
Your friend Kramer doesn't mind?
JERRY
No, he's making a bouillabaisse.
JERRY
So Dad, lemme ask you a question. How
many people work at these big
law offices?
MORTY
Depends on the firm.
JERRY
Yeah, but if you called up and described
someone, do you think they
would know who it was?
MORTY
What's the matter? You need a lawyer?
JERRY
No, I met someone at this party, and
I know where she works, but I
don't know her name.
MORTY
So why don't you ask someone who was
at the party?
JERRY
Nah, the only one I could ask is Elaine,
and I can't ask her.
HELEN
Why not?
JERRY
Because it's complicated-- there's some
tension there.
HELEN
He used to go with her...
HELEN
Which one is she?
MORTY
From Maryland. The one who brought you
the chocolate covered
cherries you didn't like.
MORTY
Oh yeah, very alert. Warm person.
JERRY
Oh yeah, she's great.
HELEN
So, how come nothing materialized there?
JERRY
Well, it's a tough thing to talk about...
I dunno...
HELEN
I know what it was...
JERRY
You don't know what it was...
HELEN
So, what was it?
JERRY
Well, we fight a lot for some reason...
H + M
Oh, well...
JERRY
And there was a little problem with
the physical chemistry...
HELEN
Well, I think she's a very attractive
girl.
JERRY
Oh, she is, she absolutely is.
HELEN
I can see if there was a *weight* problem...
JERRY
No, it's not that. It wasn't all one-sided.
HELEN
You know, you can't be so particular.
Nobody's perfect.
JERRY
I know, I know...
MORTY
Y'know Jerry, it's a good thing I wasn't
so particular.
HELEN
Idiot... (To Jerry) So who're you looking
for, Sophia Loren?
JERRY
That's got *nothin'* to do with it.
MORTY
How about Loni Anderson?
HELEN
Where do you get Loni Anderson?
MORTY
Why, what's wrong with Loni Anderson?
HELEN
I like *Elaine* more than Loni Anderson...
JERRY
What are you two talking about? Look,
Elaine just wasn't "the one".
HELEN
And this other one's "the one"?
JERRY
I dunno, maybe...
MORTY
So ask Elaine there for the number.
JERRY
I can't-- she'll get upset. I never
talk about other women with her,
especially this one tonight.
HELEN
How could you still see her if your
not interested?
JERRY
We're *friends*.
MORTY
Doesn't sound like you're friends to
me. If you were friends you'd
ask her for the number. Do you know where this other one works?
JERRY
Oh yeah...
MORTY
Well, go up to the office.
HELEN
Up to her office?
MORTY
Go to the building. She goes out to
lunch, doesn't she?
JERRY
I guess...
MORTY
So, you stand in the lobby, by the elevator,
and wait for her to
come down for lunch.
JERRY
You mean "stakeout" the lobby?
HELEN
Morty, that's ridiculous. Just ask Elaine
for the number!
MORTY
He doesn't want to ask Elaine for the
number.
HELEN
So you've got him standing by the elevator
like a *dope*! What
happens when he sees her?
MORTY
He pretends he *bumped* into her!
JERRY
Y'know what? This is *not* that *bad*
an idea...
GEORGE
What does she look like?
JERRY
I dunno. Hard to say.
GEORGE
What actress does she remind you of?
JERRY
Loni Anderson.
GEORGE
Loni Anderson?!
JERRY
What, there's something wrong with Loni
Anderson?
JERRY
Hey listen, thanks again for running
over here. I appreciate it.
GEORGE
Yeah, sure. I was showing a condo on
48th st. Besides, you think
I wanna miss this?
JERRY
I'm a little nervous.
GEORGE
Yeah, me too...
JERRY
If I see her, what do I say that I'm
doing here in the building?
GEORGE
You came to see me; I work in the building.
JERRY
What do you do?
GEORGE
I'm an *architect*.
JERRY
You're an *architect*?
GEORGE
I'm not?
JERRY
I don't see architecture comin from
you...
GEORGE
I suppose *you* could be an architect...
JERRY
I never said that I was the architect.
Just somethin' else...
GEORGE
Alright, she's not even gonna ask, if
we *see* her, which is remote.
JERRY
Well what'dya want me to say, that I
just wandered in here?!
GEORGE
We're having lunch with a friend-- he
works in the building.
JERRY
What is *his* name?
GEORGE
Bert... Har... bin... son. Bert Har-bin-son.
JERRY
Bert Harbinson? It sounds made up.
GEORGE
No good? Alright, how about Art... Corr.....
JERRY
Art Corr...
GEORGE
...velay...
JERRY
Corvelay?
GEORGE
Yeah, right.
JERRY
Well, what does *he* do?
GEORGE
He's an importer.
JERRY
Just imports, no exports?
GEORGE
He's an importer/exporter, okay?
GEORGE
Say, did Elaine ever call you back?
JERRY
No, I guess she's still mad.
GEORGE
I don't understand, you never talk to
her about other women?
JERRY
Never.
JERRY
Wait a second... That's her... on the
right.
GEORGE
I forgot who I am! Who am I?!
JERRY
You're you. We're having lunch with
Art Corvelay.
GEORGE
Vandelay!
JERRY
Corvelay!
GEORGE
Let me be the architect, I can do it!
JERRY
Hey, hey... Pamela's birthday party,
didn't I see you there...
Jerry.
VANESSA
Sure! Hi!
JERRY
This is George. ("Grasps" for her name)
I'm sorry...
VANESSA
Vanessa.
GEORGE
Nice to meet you.
JERRY
Ah, Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim
and Taft.
VANESSA
That's right! What're you doing here?
JERRY
Oh, were meeting a friend of ours for
lunch. He works here in the
building.
GEORGE
Yeah, Art *Vandelay*.
VANESSA
Really? Which company?
JERRY
I don't know. He's an importer.
VANESSA
Importer?
GEORGE
...And exporter.
JERRY
He's an importer/exporter.
GEORGE
I'm, uh, I'm an architect.
VANESSA
Really. What do you design?
GEORGE
Uh, railroads, uh...
VANESSA
I thought engineers do that.
GEORGE
They can...
JERRY
Y'know I'm sorry you had to leave so
early the other night.
VANESSA
Oh, me too. My cousin had to go back
to Boston.
JERRY
Oh, that guy was your *cousin*!
VANESSA
Yeah, and that woman was your--
JERRY
Friend!
GEORGE
I'll just, uh, get a paper...
JERRY
So, um, do you date immature men?
VANESSA
Almost exclusively...
HELEN
Bum bum bum bum... I have no letters...
Bum bum bum bum...
JERRY
Ma, will you go already?
HELEN
Bum bum bum bum...
JERRY
What are you doing?!
HELEN
Wait, I just want to see something...
JERRY
You can't look in there, we're playing!
MORTY
Evening, Mr. Kramer!
KRAMER
Hey Morty! (To Jerry) Salad dressing?
JERRY
Look.
HELEN
"Quo"? Is that a word?
JERRY
Maybe!
HELEN
Will you challenge it?
JERRY
Ma, you can't look up words in the dictionary!
Dad, she's cheating!
KRAMER
"Quo"? That's not a word.
HELEN
(To Jerry) You're such a stickler...
JERRY
Well put *something* down, you're taking
twenty minutes on this.
So is Uncle Mac, and Artie, they're all coming over here before
the
wedding?
HELEN
They'll be here at two o'clock... Oh,
Elaine called. She said
SHE'D BE HERE AT 2
30. Oh, and she says ``Hope your meeting
went
well with Art... "Vandelay"?''
JERRY
She said *what*?
HELEN
Just what I said, here.
JERRY
She knows! Oh, I am *such* a *jackass*...
HELEN
She knows what?
JERRY
She knows the whole stupid thing...
Vanessa and the elevator...
HELEN
No, no, no, that won't do. He may have
a "Z"...
MORTY
So, how did she find out?
JERRY
Because, Vanessa probably told Pamela,
and Pamela probably told
Elaine.
MORTY
So, what are you? Afraid of her?
JERRY
Yes. *Yes* *I* *am*!
JERRY
What else did she say on the phone?
HELEN
Whatever I wrote down.
JERRY
Yeah, but what was the tone in her voice?
How did she sound?
HELEN
Who am I, Rich Little?
MORTY
Well, she can't be too mad-- she's still
coming to the wedding.
JERRY
Yeah, but now I'm nervous.
HELEN
Oh, stop it.
JERRY
"Quone"?
HELEN
...30...31...
JERRY
"Quone"? No, I'm afraid that I'm going
to have to challenge that.
HELEN
...32...
KRAMER
No, you don't have to challenge that.
That's a word. That's a
*definite* word.
JERRY
I am challenging...
KRAMER
Quone: to quone something.
JERRY
Uh-huh...
HELEN
I'm not playing with you anymore...
MORTY
Quone's not a word...
JERRY
No good. Sorry. There it is. Get it
off...
HELEN
Why did you make me put that down?
KRAMER
Nah, we need a *medical* dictionary!
If a patient gets difficult,
you *quone* him...
CAROL
You want some funny material, you oughta
come down to where I work,
now that's a sitcom!
JERRY
You must have quite a time down there.
(Checks his watch)
CAROL
We got plenty of time...
JERRY
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just waiting for
someone...
MAC
Watch what you say to this guy-- he'll
put it in his next act!
JERRY
Yeah, yeah...
MAC
Jerry, did I tell you that I'm writing
a book? An autobiography.
JERRY
Yeah, Uncle Mac, you mentioned it...
MAC
It's based on all my experiences!
JERRY
That's perfect. (Elaine enters) Could
you excuse me one second.
I'm sorry.
JERRY
How do you do, Jerry Seinfeld.
ELAINE
Oh, how do you do. Elaine Benes.
JERRY
Um, do you want to do this now, or do
you want to wait until we get
in the car?
ELAINE
Oh no, let's do it now.
JERRY
Alright, the whole elevator business,
let me just explain--
ELAINE
Okay...
ARTIE
Jerry, were you goin' with us?
JERRY
No, I'm gonna take my car.
ARTIE
That's why I brought the wagon. Why
the Hell did I bring the wagon?
JERRY
Anyway, you know why I didn't ask you,
I mean I felt so
uncomfortable, and you were *so* annoyed in the cab.
ELAINE
Well, Jerry, I never saw you flirt with
anyone before. It was
quite the spectacle.
CAROL
Jerry, we'll see you there. Bye, Elaine.
ELAINE
Oh, bye. Good to see you.
ARTIE
Oh, we didn't meet.
JERRY
Oh, I'm sorry. Elaine, this is my cousin
Artie Levine.
ARTIE
Le*vine*.
JERRY
Yeah, "Le*vine*". And I'm Jerry Cougar
Mellencamp... Anyway, I
admit it was a fairly ridiculous thing to do, but I mean, I mean,
obviously we have a little problem here.
ELAINE
Yeah, obviously.
JERRY
I mean, if we're gonna be friends, we
gotta be able to talk about
other people...
ELAINE
Couldn't agree more.
JERRY
Good.
ELAINE
Good.
JERRY
Good.
ELAINE
Great!
JERRY
Great? Where do you get "great"?
ELAINE
It's great to... talk about... other
people...
JERRY
...Guys.
ELAINE
Yeah.
JERRY
Uh-huh... Yeah... So, anybody specific?
ELAINE
No. A general guy.
JERRY
Oh *really*... Elaine Marie Benes...
ELAINE
What? No, it's not a big deal.
JERRY
No, that's great! That's terrific!
ELAINE
No, we just met...
JERRY
Doesn't matter. What's the young man's
name? I would like to
meet him.
ELAINE
I don't think so...
JERRY
Well, what does he do? Is he an artisan,
a craftsman, a labourer
of some sort?
ELAINE
Wall street.
JERRY
Ahh, high finance: bulls... bears...
people from Conneticut.
ELAINE
And he happens to be pretty good lookin'
JERRY
(pause) Alright, sir.
ELAINE
And... he's *hilarious*.
JERRY
Now that's not fair! So where did you
meet this guy?
ELAINE
I "staked" out his health club.
JERRY
When you're on a stakeout, do you find
it's better to stand up
against the wall, or kinda crouch down behind a big plant?...
JERRY
Y'know I think that even if you've had
a relationship with someone,
or let's say, *especially* if you've had a relationship with
someone
and you try to become friends afterwards, it's very difficult.
Isn't this? It's hard. Because, you know each other so well,
you
know all of each others tricks. It's like two magicians, trying
to entertain each other.
The one goes, "Look, a rabbit."
The other goes, "So? ... I believe this is your card."
"Look, why don't we just saw each other in half and call it a
night? Okay?"
THE END
|
