(Monk's Cafe, the whole gang at a booth)
All right, Coney Island. Ok, you can
take the B or the F and switch
for the N at Broadway Lafayette, or you can go over the bridge
and catch the Q to Atlantic Avenue, then switch to the IRT 2,
3, 4 or 5,
but don't get on the G. See that's very tempting, but you wind
up on Smith
and 9th street, then you got to get on the R.
Couldn't he just take the D straight
to Coney Island?
Ok, what time is your job interview
Remember, don't whistle on the elevator.
That's what Willie Loman told Biff before
his interview, in 'Death of
What, you are comparing me to Biff Loman,
very encouraging. The
biggest loser in history of American literature.
All right, I'm gonna go.
What time is the lesbian wedding?
Lesbian wedding. How do they work bride
and groom out, what do they
flip a coin?
Yeah, they flip a coin.
What, was that not politically correct?
It's a legitimate question.
I'm so tired. I'll fall asleep on that
I get the feeling when lesbians are
looking at me, they're
"That's why I'm not heterosexual".
Jerry, come on let's go, pick up the
check so we can go.
Oh, I'm paying for breakfast?
Why do I always pay? What am I made
of money? You bunch of
On the Subway.
How many tickets are you paying today?
Well, let's see: speeding, running a
red light, no license, no
registration, no plates, no brake lights, no rear view mirror...yeah.
George a ticket)
I'm fighting that one. You know, this
is gonna cost me over six
Blind violinist comes playing, with mug for the money. Everybody
some change, except George.
I can't carry any changes in these pants,
it falls out.
That guy is not blind.
So, can I convince anybody to come down
to Coney Island with me? I
got to pick up my car at the pound. George?
I can't believe they actually found
your stolen car.
Not only that they found it. It was
simonized and the front end was
So what do you say? Run in the cyclone.
Hotdogs on Nathan's is on
What are you? Satan? I'm close to a
job here. It's my second
interview with them.
All right, biff. Elaine, merry-go-round?
I can't. I'm the best man.
I've gotta go to court, I'll get in
trouble. What's the matter with
Could be years before I get back to
Coney Island. I can't go to
42th street. Change to D,N,RR,2,3,4,5,7,C,E,F
They all get off and go to different directions.
Another subway. Jerry comes in and sits down. Fat man across
him gives a
George gets on another subway. Sits next to a beautiful woman.
They smile to
Kramer rushes to yet another subway and tries to find a seat.
around as all seats get filled right before him.
He squeezes himself to same seat with obese young man.
Jerry is falling asleep and leans towards the next guy who leaves
falls in his seat.
Woman next to George rubs her leg and George looks at her.
You looking for a job?
Well, you're reading the classifieds.
Oh, no no no. I was just looking for
stock-pages. Here it is.
Looking for the quotes. Gotta check to quotes. Love a good quote.
up a quarter.
You didn't look like someone who needed
Me? No, no, I don't, I don't. Doing
very well, very well, yep.
So, you're in 'the market'?
Yeah I'm, eh, in 'the market'.
Which market, the, eh, big one, the
big market, the big board.
Bull market, bear market, you name the market, I'm there.
So, do you work for one of those big
They wish. I hate the big broker-houses.
Hate them with a passion.
Big broker-houses killed my father.
Well, they hurt him bad. Really hurt
his feelings. It's a long
story. I- I don't like to talk about it, but I swore then that
never work for big broker-houses. See, all they care about is
about more than money, I'm about people, always gone my own way
never looked back.
Train horn blows and George looks back
Elaine's train. She's carrying a wedding present. A older woman
I started riding these trains in the
forties. Those days a man would
give up their seat for a woman. Now we're liberated and we have
This, that we've come all this way,
we have made all this progress,
but you know we've lost the little things, the niceties.
No, I mean what does 'ironic' mean?
Where are you up to, with such a nice
present, birthday party?
Hah, I didn't know people still get
married. It's hard today with
men and women.
You're telling me.
So, are they a nice couple?
Oh, very nice.
What does he do, if you don't mind me
She? She works, he doesn't. He sounds
like my son.
There is no he.
There is no he. So, who's getting married?
Em, two women. It's, eh...lesbian wedding.
Aha, yep. I'm the...eh...bes tman.
My luck. I don't talk to a soul in the
subway for 35 years. I get a best man at a lesbian wedding. (leaves)
No, no, no, you don't understand! I'm
not a lesbian! I hate men,
but I'm not a lesbian!
Kramer's train. A man leaves and lefts a newspaper to his seat.
Kramer and another guy glance each other and rush to get the
other man gets to it first and Kramer gets only little piece
of one page.
Jerry's train. He is still sleeping and trying not to fall to
Man across gives him a look.
Elaine's train. Train is full packed.
I'm really looking forward to this.
I love weddings. Maybe
I'll meet somebody, umm maybe not.
Train suddenly stops
Oh, man. We're stopping?
Well, this is where I get off.
Oh, you do?
Eh, hey why don't you...oh nothing.
No, no, what, what?
Well, I was going to say: why don't
you get off with me, but you're
obviously very busy on your way to some important meeting or
Yeah I knew it was a bad idea.
George is in agony thinking if he should go or stay. Then runs
Hey, what's another million, give or
take. I get off where and when
I wanna get off.
He gets stuck between closing doors.
I'm stuck. Pull a little, just a second.
Don't start the train!
Don't start the train!!
Kramer is reading a newspaper. Couple of men behind him are talking.
This, it's the fourth horse of the first
How do you know it's going to win?
My UPS-guy tells. Guys who own the horses
are regular customers.
Every horse he has ever given me has won.
See, they've been sandbagging and looking for a good spot. He's
getting it light cause they've been using bug boy and the workout
been published. Now they are ready to run with it. They are gonna
But it rained last night.
Exactly, this horse loves the slop.
It's in his bloodlines. His
father was a mudda', his mother was a mudda'.
His mudda' was a mudda'?
What did I just say? Come on, let's
go to the office, I'm going to
call my bookie. Hey, don't tell anybody.
Kramer quickly turns away
Jerry wakes up and looks to guy opposite to him. The fat guy
is naked and
reading a paper.
O-K. You realize of course, you're naked?
Naked, dressed. I don't see any difference.
You oughta' sit here. There is a difference.
You got something against naked body?
I got something against yours. How about
a couple of deep knee bends,
maybe a squat thrust?
Who's got time for squat thrusts?
All right, how about skipping breakfast.
I'm guessing you're not a
'half-grapefruit and black coffee' guy.
I like a good breakfast.
I understand, I like good breakfast.
Long as you don't wind up
trapped in a room with bimbo broals(?) and pigtails, been counseled
I'm not ashamed of my body.
That's your problem, you should be.
Naked man drops half of his newspaper
Don't get up, please, allow me.
Jerry picks up the paper
Elaine is still trapped in a stopped train.
Oh, this is great. This is what I need,
just what I need.
Ok, take it easy I'm sure it's nothing. Probably rats on the
stopping for rats. God, it's so crowded. How can there be so
This guy really smells, doesn't anyone use deodorant in the city?
so hard, you take the cap off, you roll it on. What's that? I
something rubbing against me. Disgusting animals, these people
should be in
a gage. We are in a gage. What if I miss the wedding? I got the
What'll they do? You can't get married without the ring. Oh,
breath, I feel faint. Take it easy, it'll start moving soon.
the people on the concentration camps, what they went through.
hostages, what would you do if you were a hostage? Think about
is nothing. No, it's not nothing, it's something. It's a nightmare!
me! Move it! Com'on move this fu(beep) thing!! Why isn't it moving?!?
can go wrong with a train!?! It's on tracks, there's no traffic!
How can a
train get stuck. Step on the gas!! What could it be? You'de think
conductor would explain it to us? 'I'm sorry there's a delay
moving in 5 minutes'!! I wanna hear a voice. What's that on my
Lights in the train go off
George and the woman step in to a hotel room.
Are you often on business trip? Nice...oh,
hey nice ice-bucket.
Make your-self comfortable.
She steps in to bathroom.
Make myself comfortable. What does that
mean? Does she want
me to take my clothes off? Is she taking her clothes off? What
if I take my
clothes off and she still has hers' on? Then I really look like
She could get offended and leave. So maybe I should leave them
on, but what
then if she takes her off? Then she'll feel humiliated. 'Make
comfortable'. I got this unbelievable woman and this 'comfortable'-thing
can ruin me. I got it! I take my shoes off and sit on the bed.
that's comfortable. She can't accuse me being unconvertible.
She comes out from the bathroom, wearing a nightie.
Gotta tell you I'm pretty comfortable.
Kramer is in the "Off-track betting" office. He is talking with
behind in the line.
Oh yeah, it's all set. They got the
bug boy on him.
The bug boy.
Yeah, the little father has run his
hard out. They're gonna break
Really? But, it's a little bit slow
out there it rained last night.
Oh, this baby loves the slob, loves
it, eats it up. Eats the slob.
Born in the slob. His father was a mudda'.
His father was a mudda'?
His mother was a mudda'.
His mother was a mudda'?
What did I just say?
Kramer gets to the cashier
Hey,all right, 600 Pappanick to win.
They still have no pitching. Goodin's
a question mahk. ...You don't recover
from those rotator cuffs so fast.
I'm not worried about their best pitching.
They got pitching. ...They got no hitting.
No hitting? They got hitting! Bonilla,
Murry. ...They got no defence.
Defence? Please. ...They need speed.
Speed? They got Coleman. ...They need
Franco's no good? ...They got no team
They got Franco! ...What they need is
a front office.
But you gotta like their chances.
I LUV their chances.
Tell you what. If they win the penant
I'll sit naked with you at the World
It's a deal!
Elaine is in a stopped train with no lights.
Why couldn't I take a cab. For 6 dollars
my whole life
could've changed. What is that on my leg? I'll never get out
of here. What
if I'm here for the rest of my life? Maybe I'll get out in 5
banana, 2 banana, 3 banana, 4 banana, 5 banana...no, I'm still
here! Why don't they start moving? Move! Move!! Move!!! Train
moving, lights get back on It's moving! It's moving! Yes! Yes!!
stops again and lights go off Motherf(beep-beep)!!!
George and the beautiful woman are still in the hotel room. The
putting handcuffs on George and the other end to the backboard
of the bed.
Eh, gee, I hope you have the key for
Oh, don't worry. I do.
She steps in to the bathroom
You know, my mother used to walk around
on our apartment just in
her bra and panties. She didn't look anything like you, she was
disgusting, really bad body. If you could imagine uglier and
of Shirley Booth. Remember Shirley Booth from Hazel. Really embarrassing,
cause you know I had only mother in the whole neighborhood who
looking than Hazel. Imagine the taunts I would hear.
Like a "Hey your mother is uglier than
Hazel. Hazel really puts
your mother to shame"
She comes out of the bathroom fully clothed
What's going on?
It was a pleasure doing business with
you George, but I'm afraid I
have to get going.
Get going? But we haven't really, you
Eight dollars? Eight dollars?
What are you doing? You're robbing me?
I wasted my whole morning with you for
Wait, wait a second, what are you doing?
I'm taking your clothes.
No, that's my only suit. It cost me
350 dollars. I got it at Moe Ginsburg
No wait, you can't just leave me here!
Will I see you again?
Kramer is in the "Off-track betting" office. The race is on and
is slowly making ground
The winner is Pappanick
Yes! Yes! I won, hey (shouts to cashier)
Kramer collects the winnings. A big pile of cash. Shows the money
There is a big thug looking at the money.
Kramer goes into the subway and sees that the thug followed him.
a run for it. Thug follows. Kramer steps out of the train and
so does the
thug. Kramer tries to jump back on the train, but door closes.
The naked man has put his clothes back on and he and Jerry are
I haven't had a hotdog at Nathan's for
First we ride the cyclone.
Jerry takes a deep breath
Aah, French fries.
Kramer is running away from the thug and enters the train where
violinist is playing. Kramer knocks down the violin player and
picks Kramer up and looks for the money.
Give me the money. Give me the money!
Back to the Monk's café. Jerry, Kramer and Elaine are sitting
in a booth.
No, I never got the car. We were having
such a good time, by the
time I got to the police garage, it was closed.
You wouldn't believe what this guy put
away at Nathan's. Look at
what we won!
Waves around a stuffed monkey
You want him?
Get that out of my face.
So, you missed the wedding. You'll catch
George enters wearing a sheet.
How would you like a 'Hare Krishna'
fist on your throat, you little
Biff, what did you whistle on the elevator?
You have my spare-key in your apartment,
Yeah, it's in the kitchen drawer.
Give me your key, I gotta get it.
Never mind what happened, just give
me the key.
Come on, I'll go with you.
Here, pay. (Gives the check to Jerry)
Wait, wait, wait...
Kramer gets the check, looks at it and gets pile of cash and
pays. Jerry and Elaine look amazed.