THE SUMMER OF GEORGE
Written by
Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer
(George and Jerry at a cafe terrace)
JERRY
Nah, you had a good run. Took them to
the World Series.
GEORGE
I got to give the players most of the
credit for that.
JERRY
Don't sell yourself short. You made
all the flight arrangements, hotels,
buses.
GEORGE
No, I don't know who was doing that.
JERRY
So, when you actually did work, what
it was that you did?
GEORGE
They had a pastry cart you wouldn't
believe.
(Waitress (Lanette) comes with drinks)
LANETTE
Here you go. Your latte, your cappuccino.
(Waitress leaves)
JERRY
Maybe I should ask her out?
GEORGE
She is a good waitress.
JERRY
That's true. Maybe I take her to the
Tony's.
GEORGE
You're going to the Tony's?
JERRY
Yeah, I wrote some jokes to the show
and they gave me two tickets.
GEORGE
Why didn't you ask me? I know a million
theater jokes. 'What's the deal with
those guys down in the pit?'
JERRY
They're musicians. That's not a joke.
GEORGE
It's a funny observation.
(George reads a letter)
GEORGE
Severance package...The Yankees are
giving me three months full pay for
doing nothing.
JERRY
They did it for three years. What's
another few months.
GEORGE
I'm really going to do something with
these three months.
JERRY
Like what?
GEORGE
I'm gonna read a book. From beginning
to end. In that order.
JERRY
I've always wanted to do that...
GEORGE
I'm gonna play frolf.
JERRY
You mean golf?
GEORGE
Frolf, frisbee golf Jerry. Golf with
a frisbee. This is gonna be my time.
Time to taste the fruits and let the
juices drip down my chin. I proclaim
this: The Summer
of George!
( A bee comes and George has to runaway to inside)
------------------------------------------------------
(Elaine's office. She and two co-workers are chatting in a corridor.)
ELAINE
...and then Peterman ate it. I never
told him.
(A woman comes walking by, with her hands hanging still besides
her.)
ELAINE
Who's that?
DUGAN
That's Sam, the new girl in the counting.
WALTER
What's with her arms? They just hang
like salamis.
DUGAN
She walks like orangutan.
ELAINE
Better call the zoo.
DUGAN
Reer...
ELAINE
What?
WALTER
ssssss...
DUGAN
Cat-ty...
------------------------------------------------------
(Jerry's apartment. Jerry and Elaine. George is watching TV.)
ELAINE
It's like she's carrying invisible suitcases.
JERRY
Like this? (imitates the walk)
ELAINE
Yes, exactly.
JERRY
That's so strange.
ELAINE
Right. So why I'm the one who gets 'reer'.
You know I mean they were being as catty
as I was. It's a double standard.
JERRY
Oh, what about 'ladies night'? Women
admitted free before 10?
ELAINE
That is so stupid.
JERRY
Reer.
GEORGE
Hey, 'The White Shadow' is on...
JERRY
Boy, your really packing it all in.
GEORGE
Jerry, my vacation just started. I need
a day or two to de-compress. Besides,
I did plenty today.
JERRY
Like what?
GEORGE
I bought a new recliner with a fridge
build right in to it.
(Kramer enters wearing a bathrobe)
KRAMER
Hey Jerry, you got any Tums?
JERRY
Stomach ache?
KRAMER
I drank too much water in the shower.
JERRY
Aah, top of the fridge. Hey George,
I'm taking that waitress to the Tony's.
GEORGE
Shadow!
KRAMER
Oh, the Tony's. I'll see you there buddy.
ELAINE
You're going to the Tony's too?
KRAMER
Roger that.
JERRY
Where are you sitting?
KRAMER
Well, all over the place. Yeah, I'm
a seat filler. They don't like to see
empty seats on TV so when somebody gets
up I just park my kaboos on their spot
until they get back.
ELAINE
How did you get that job?
KRAMER
Mickey, Mickey he hooked me up. He's
a member of the academy.
JERRY
What academy?
KRAMER
Well, he didn't say (leaves).
------------------------------------------------------
(Jerry comes to pick up Lanette)
LANETTE
Hi!
JERRY
Hi!
LANETTE
Nice tuxedo.
JERRY
Thanks, it's a breakaway.
LANETTE
Should we go?
JERRY
Absolutely.
LANETTE
Lyle, were going! Jerry, this is Lyle.
LYLE
Hey, how you doing?
JERRY
Ok...
(Lyle and Lanette kiss)
LANETTE
Bye.
LYLE
Have a good time.
JERRY
Thanks, Lyle...
---------------------------------------------------------
(At the Tony's. Kramer is looking a place to fill. One man stands
up.)
KRAMER
Are you leaving? Cause I got you covered.
(man tries to button his jacket and Kramer squeezes to his seat)
KRAMER
I'll just squeeze in...
MAN
What are you doing?
KRAMER
My job. What are you doing?
(Kramer looks at the woman next to him)
KRAMER
You know, if they catch two of us on
TV, you got some explaining to do.
(Same time Jerry and the waitress are sitting elsewhere.)
JERRY
So, you and Lyle are roommates?
LANETTE
No.
JERRY
Gay?
LANETTE
What?
JERRY
Is he gay?
LANETTE
No.
JERRY
Are you sure?
LANETTE
I think I would know.
JERRY TO HIMSELF
This is a new one.
(Kramer takes a bite and hits the man in front of him in the
head. Then points the blame to lady next to him.)
ANNOUNCER
...and the best musical award goes to:
Scarsdale surprise!
(People around Kramer stand up and roll on to the stage taking
Kramer with them.)
(George is at home watching the show on TV and takes a soda out
of his new recliner.)
GEORGE
Kramer?
(TV shows the producers and Kramer accepting the award on stage.)
MR. GRAHAM ON TV
Thank you and God bless you all. This
has truly been a Scarsdale surprise!
------------------------------------------------------------------
(At Monk's. Elaine and Sam.)
SAM
Elaine, am I crazy? I just get the feeling
that Dugan and the others are making
fun of me all the time.
ELAINE
Well, You might wanna think about...maybe,
eh...moving your arms a little when
you walk.
SAM
My arms?
ELAINE
You know, sort of swing them, so your
not lurching around like a caveman.
SAM
I a caveman?
ELAINE
No no no no, it's just...
SAM
Everybody told what a catty shrude you
are. Your horrible!
------------------------------------------------------------------
(5A. Jerry and George.)
GEORGE
She had a dude?
JERRY
Yeah, when I went to pick her up there
was this dude.
GEORGE
How do you know it was her dude?
JERRY
What do you think it could've been just
some dude?
GEORGE
Sure, dudes in this town are dime a
dozen.
JERRY
I reckon.
GEORGE
Or maybe, she just wanted to go to the
Tony's. I tell you what; you ask her
out again. No Tony, just Jerry. That
way you know it he was her dude or just
some dude.
JERRY
Dude!
(They make a high five.)
GEORGE
All right, that's enough. I gotta go
home and take a nap.
JERRY
It's 10:30 in the morning?
GEORGE
I tell you; I'm wiped.
JERRY
So, has the summer of George already
started or are you still de-composing?
GEORGE
De-compressing.
(Kramer enters wearing a tuxedo and carrying a Tony statue.)
KRAMER
Whooa, good morning gentleman and Tony
says hello to you.
JERRY
You didn't give that thing back?
KRAMER
Jerry, it was a whirlwind. They whisked
us backstage, the media is sworming,
champagne is flowing...whooo! I can't
describe how great it is to win.
JERRY
That's because you didn't win.
GEORGE
'Scarsdale surprise'. That's the musical
about that Scarsdale diet doctor murder.
KRAMER
Featuring the mind-blowing performance
of Ms. Raquel Welch!
JERRY
You haven't even seen it.
KRAMER
Aah, Jerry I'm not gonna let you bring
me down from this high. I've been partying
all night. I saw the sunrise at Liza's!
GEORGE
What, Minelli's!?!
KRAMER
No.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
(Elaine's office. She is at her desk talking to Sam.)
ELAINE
Sam, listen I'm so sorry about the other
day.
SAM
No, don't apologize Elaine. I was thinking
that maybe I should swing my arms a
little bit more.
ELAINE
See, yeah, that's all I was saying.
SAM
How's this (Sam hits a pen case out
of the table), or this (swings a paper
holder of the table and starts to clear
the table left and right).
ELAINE
Well, you seem to be getting a hang
of it...
---------------------------------------------------------------------
(Jerry is picking up Lanette again. She opens the door wearing
a towel.)
JERRY
Hi!
LANETTE
Sorry, I'm running late. I just lost
track of time.
JERRY
No rush.
(Lyle walks by wearing a towel.)
LYLE
Hey, Jerry! What's up?
JERRY TO HIMSELF
I have absolutely no idea.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
(5A. Jerry is on the phone with George who is at home.)
(missing the beginning)
JERRY
..except that the dude plays the showroom
and I'm stuck doing food and beveridged!
(Kramer comes in with the Tony.)
GEORGE
Who's that?
JERRY
It's Kramer.
GEORGE
Hey Kramer.
JERRY
George says hi.
GEORGE
How's that Tony?
JERRY
Why don't you just come over?
GEORGE
Why can't we do this on the phone? What's
Kramer doing now?
JERRY
He's looking on to fridgerator.
GEORGE
Kramer. Anything good in there? Any
Popsicles?
JERRY
I can't do this.
KRAMER
So, what's George doing?
JERRY
He's not doing anything. Goodbye!
KRAMER
So listen, I'm going to crab a bite
to eat at Sardi's. You wanna go?
JERRY
Are you taking the Tony to Sardi's?
KRAMER
The Tony is taking me to Sardi's.
(Knock on the door. Jerry opens and it's Lanette.)
JERRY
Oh, hello.
KRAMER
I'm going.
LANETTE
Congratulations!
KRAMER
Oh, thank you, thank you so much. I
have so many people I want to thank
and don't want to forget anyone...
JERRY
All right, all right.
(Phone rings and Jerry answers.)
JERRY
I said no! (hangs up the phone.)
LANETTE
Jerry, I just want to let you know;
Lyle and I are completely over. I'd
rather be with you.
JERRY
Just me? No dudes or fellas?
LANETTE
What you think?
JERRY
I can start right away.
(Phone rings again.)
JERRY
But not here. (They leave.)
-------------------------------------------------------------
(At Sardi's. Kramer is sitting with a group of people.)
KRAMER
...so I said to him: Arthur, Artie come
on, why does the salesman have to die?
Change the title; The life of a salesman.
That's what people want to see.
MR. GRAHAM
Mr. Kramer, my name is Lewis Maxton
Graham. I'm one of the producers of
'Scarsdale surprise'.
KRAMER
Hey, eh, Lew!
MR. GRAHAM
We need to talk.
-------------------------------------------------------------
(Elaine is talking to Peterman at her office.)
PETERMAN
Elaine, what did you want to talk me
about?
ELAINE
This. My office. Sam trashed my office.
PETERMAN
Well, I see what's going on in here.
I am smack dab in the middle of a good
old fashioned cat fight.
ELAINE
Mr. Petermen, this is not a cat fight.
This is violent psychotic behavior directed
at me all because are told her to swing
her arms.
PETERMAN
Woof!
ELAINE
Do you mean "reer?"
PETERMEN
Yes, that's the one! Good day Elaine.
(Leaves.)
ELAINE
Oh, no please Mr. Peterman, she's crazy!
(Sam walks by and Elaine starts to sing)
Crazy for feelings...
-----------------------------------------------------------------
(At Monk's. Jerry and Lanette.)
JERRY
I can't believe how much we did this
afternoon. I have friends who this would've
be their whole life.
LANETTE
Now, what time are you picking me up
tonight?
JERRY
Eh, what?
LANETTE
You got our reservation from Sfuzi's,
didn't you?
JERRY
Oh yeah, Sfuzi? I- I've gotta do that.
LANETTE
Should I ware the outfit I bought today?
JERRY
Sure.
LANETTE
Which one?
JERRY
The one with the...(mumbles.)
LANETTE
If I wanna get my hair cut I've gotta
go now. Call me when you get home. I
wont be there, but leave a message so
I know you called.
JERRY
Ok, ok...
LANETTE
Do you mind?
JERRY
No, I'll crab it.
(Lanette leaves and Jerry bangs his head to the table. George
walks in.)
GEORGE
Hey, I've done that today.
JERRY
What, did you lose your remote?
GEORGE
Nah, the cable's out. What's with you?
You look dead.
JERRY
It's Lanette! I need an assistant or
intern or something.
GEORGE
(Laughs) Relationship intern...hey,
what if two of us teamed up?
JERRY
Not.
GEORGE
No, no...
JERRY
No, because that's...
GEORGE
No, listen; we are always sitting here,
I am always helping you with your girl
problems and you are helping me with
my girl problems. Where do we end up?
JERRY
Here.
GEORGE
Exactly! Because neither one of us can't
handle a woman all by ourselves.
JERRY
I'm trying.
GEORGE
I've tried. We don't have it. But maybe
the two of us, working together at full
capacity, could do the job of one normal
man.
JERRY
Then each of us would only have be like
a half man. That sounds about right!
------------------------------------------------------------------
(Kramer at Sardi's, talking with two producers.)
MR. GRAHAM
I'm sure how excited you are to have
this very very prestigious award. But
you didn't have anything to do with
the actual production.
KRAMER
No.
MR. GRAHAM
I don't think there's no way how we
can allow you to keep this Tony. Unless...
KRAMER
Anything...
MALCOLM
Are you familiar with our star, Raquel
Welch?
KRAMER
Oh yeah, she's fantastic....
MR. GRAHAM
She's a train wreck.
MALCOLM
There's a big tap dance number just
before Jean Harris leaves the (?) school
to confront Dr Tarnover.
MR. GRAHAM
It is a gut wrenching scene.
MALCOLM
But, Raquel Welch doesn't move her arms
when she tap dances. It's very distracting.
MR. GRAHAM
There's lot of this (swings his arms)
in tap dancing.
KRAMER
So, you'd like me to teach how to dance?
MALCOLM
No, we want you to fire her.
----------------------------------------------------------
(5A. Jerry and Kramer.)
JERRY
Why they want you to fire Raquel Welch?
KRAMER
Because they're terrified of her. I
heard from someone that when they cut
one of her lines, she climbed up the
rope on side of the stage and started
dropping
lights on peoples heads. Story like that has got to be true.
JERRY
She seems very nice.
KRAMER
Jerry, you're not in show business.
You don't know what these people are
like.
JERRY
I'm in show business.
KRAMER
Oh, come on! What am I gonna do? She's
going to eat me alive.
JERRY
I've got a tape of 'Fantastic voyage'
if you think that would help.
KRAMER
Yayaya...
(Elaine enters.)
ELAINE
Jerry, that crazy straight-armed woman
down at Peterman's trashed my office.
And then listen to this; this is message
she left me.
(Takes a tape recorder and plays the tape.)
SAM'S VOICE
Elaine...I am going to find you. If
not in your office then in the xerox
room or the little conference room near
to the kitchen...
ELAINE
She must've got a blueprint of the building
or something.
JERRY
Did you tell Peterman about this?
ELAINE
Well, I tried, but he thought it was
some sort of cat fight.
KRAMER
Cat fight?
ELAINE
Ok, why? Why do guys do this? What is
so appealing to men about a cat fight?
KRAMER
Yeye cat fight!
JERRY
Because men think if women are grabbing
and clawing at each other there's a
chance they might somehow kiss.
KRAMER
T-t-t-t...
-----------------------------------------------------------------
(Jerry and George are walking down the street.)
JERRY
You got the tickets?
GEORGE
Yeah, two for the 7:15 of Novaj pravas
(?). What you're wearing the green sweater?
JERRY
I like it.
GEORGE
She doesn't like. Here is your blue
one, it's her favorite. (Takes sweater
out of his bag.)
JERRY
What?
GEORGE
Just put it on! All right now, remember
she had her nails done today so remark
how you like the color. And if you need
me you beep me, all right. Here you
go, hey, hey, hey, hey...(sprays Binaca into Jerry's mouth.)
Go get'em you're a tiger!
JERRY
Hey George, one second, she's having
a party friday night and she wants me
to take care of the invitations.
GEORGE
A little notice would've helped! How
many people?
JERRY
35, and George, on the invitations...
GEORGE
I know, I know...don't skimp. Go go
go go...
(Jerry leaves and Lanette joins him.)
LANETTE
Right on time, I like that.
JERRY
I like your nails, that is a great color.
LANETTE
Love the sweater.
JERRY
This old thing?
----------------------------------------------------------------
(George is getting the invitations, Melody Stationers.)
GEORGE
Hi, I need some party invitations.
CLERK
Okay, have you been in here before?
GEORGE
About a year ago. Wedding invitations.
CLERK
Right, how did that all work out?
GEORGE
No complaints.
CLERK
Well, they are arranged according the
price. And as I recall...(she flips
the sample book all the way to the end.)
GEORGE
Actually, (George flips the book back
to the beginning) I'll take these nice
glossy ones.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
(Majestic theater, Raquel Welch's dressing room.)
RAQUEL
"You are a fraud Dr Tarnover. You haven't
even been to Scarsdale."
(Kramer knocks on the door and enters.)
KRAMER
Ms. Welch.
RAQUEL
Who are you?
KRAMER
Well, I'm Cosmo Kramer, I'm one of the
producers.
(Phone rings and Raquel answers.)
RAQUEL
Hello, Sidney! No, no I told you I don't
want to do that! If you bring it up
again I will feed your genitals to a
wolf! (hangs up) Kids! You're still
here.
KRAMER
Well, I- I Ms. Welch I do need to talk
to you about a little problem regarding,
eh, your performance.
(Raquel kicks a chair out of her way.)
RAQUEL
What kind of problem?
KRAMER
Well, it seems that due to the vagaries
of the production parameters of this
fragmenting of the audience to the cable
television, carnivals, water parks...
RAQUEL
Out with it!
KRAMER
Well, you're fired because you don't
move your arms when you tap dance, you're
like a gorilla out there I've gotta
go...
(Kramer runs out, but Raquel grabs him from the back.)
--------------------------------------------------------
(George walks at the park with the invitations. A frisbee flies
to his feet.)
GUY
Little help?
GEORGE
Hey, frolf?
GUY
Yeah, you know we need a fourth for
the back nine. You want in?
"What's the deal with airplane peanuts?")
GEORGE
Yeah, sure.
GUY
Ok, come on.
-------------------------------------------------------
(Jerry is at Lanette's apartment. They are both wearing a towel.)
JERRY
Ok, let's towel it up.
LANETTE
Jerry, where are those invitations you
were supposed to get? If they don't
go out today they're useless.
JERRY
But we're in towels.
LANETTE
Jerry.
JERRY
all right. One second.
(Picks up the phone.)
(George runs up the stairs)
GEORGE
He frolfs, he scores...(he drops one
invitation on the stairs.)
(George comes to his apartment and picks up the phone.)
GEORGE
Hello.
JERRY
George, where are those invitations?
You were supposed to leave them with
her doorman!
LANETTE COMES BY
Did you shave your chest hair?
JERRY
No. (Lanette leaves.) Did you at least
pick them up?
GEORGE
Yeah, the super glossy. The best they
had.
JERRY
Ok, get them over here pronto. We're
in towels here George.
GEORGE
All right, All right, keep your towel
on.
JERRY
...what?
GEORGE
It's a joke.
JERRY
All right, that's not bad. Now get over
here!
(George leaves from his apartment and comes down the stairs.
He slips on an invitation and falls on his back.)
-------------------------------------------------------------------
(Elaine is on the street and plays a tape to two police officers.)
ELAINE
Can't you do anything about this? I
mean this woman is a psycho!
COP#1
'Reer.'
ELAINE
Look, just because I'm a woman...
COP#2
'Mauau.'
COP#1
'Meeow.'
---
(Raquel Welch walks down the street.)
RAQUEL
I don't move my arms when I dance. That's
my signature!
---
ELAINE
Would you just keep an eye out for this
woman. She's about ye high and eh, she
doesn't swing her arms when she walks.
COP#1
What do you mean?
ELAINE
Like this...(imitates the walk with
her arms hanging.)
(Raquel Welch comes towards her.)
RAQUEL
What the hell is that? Are you making
fun of my dancing?
ELAINE
Aren't you Raquel Welch?
RAQUEL
You know who I am. Now, what are you
doing?
ELAINE
Nothing, I wasn't just moving my arms...
RAQUEL
That's it, you are going down.
COP#1
Ooh, cat fight.
----------------------------------------------------
(The New York Hospital. Jerry and Kramer.)
KRAMER
So how's George?
JERRY
I don't know. They don't tell me anything.
What's that? (Kramer holds a broken
Tony)
KRAMER
Tony.
JERRY
What happened to you?
KRAMER
Raquel Welch!
JERRY
Yikes.
(Elaine comes. She has a scars on her face.)
JERRY
What happened to you?
ELAINE
Raquel Welch!
KRAMER
The woman is a menace.
ELAINE
Yeah, I bumped in to her on the street.
It got pretty ugly.
JERRY
Cat fight with Raquel Welch.
KRAMER
Yey eye ca-catfight.
(George is wheeled in on a hospital bed.)
ELAINE
My god, George!
GEORGE
I slipped on the invitations...how's
the towels?
JERRY
Back on the rack.
GEORGE
With the two of us?
JERRY
I think we're still a man short.
(Doctor comes.)
DOCTOR
Mr. Costanza. ..your legs have sustained
extensive trauma. Apparently your body
was in the state of advanced atrophy,
due to a period of extreme inactivity.
But with a lot of hard work and a little bit of luck, I think
there's a good chance you may, one day, walk again.
(Doctor leaves.)
KRAMER
Well, that's good news.
ELAINE
Wow, invitations again...
KRAMER
Yeah, that's weird.
ELAINE
All right, well...you want to grab some
coffee?
JERRY
Yeah...
KRAMER
I'd like to get some coffee.
(Jerry, Kramer and Elaine leave.)
GEORGE
This was supposed to be 'The summer
of George'! The summer of George.
(George is at the hospital physical therapy, trying to walk,
leaning on parallel bars. Next to him, Sam tries to walk with
swinging her arms.)
THERAPIST
Now, swing them...swing...swing them,
just swing them.
SAM
I can't do it. It's hard!
(George is at end of the bars and falls down. He tries to get
up.)
GEORGE
Still a little summer left.
THE END
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