THE TAPE
Written by
Larry David, Bob Shaw & Don McEnery
(Comedy club)
JERRY
....hair that was on your shower soap
today could be in your head tomorrow.
How did they do the first transplant?
Did they have the guy take a shower , get his soap , rush it
in there by helicopter, you know
keep the soap alive on the soap support system ....looks it over.
"We got the hair but I think we lost
the Zest."
....rejects the transplant with organs.
Is it possible that a head could reject the hair transplant .
Guy just standin' there and suddenly...
..Bink! ( motions hair flying out of his head)........lands in
someone's frozen yogurt.
Jerry's apartment. A repairman is working on his fridge , Jerry
doing work with headphones on.
REPAIRMAN
.....The gaskets that you have here
are asymmetrical.
JERRY
Ah..ha!.. really. ( Jerry is barely
listening to him )
REPAIRMAN
So I took off the motor relay on the
compressor....'cos you..you (stutters)
you've got some discoloration
JERRY
Oh! well whatever you have to do.
REPAIRMAN
I was working with one.....mount at
a time 'cos you don't wanna disturb
the position of the compressor.
JERRY
(sarcastically) No you don't..
George enters the apartment.
GEORGE
Hey! what are listening to?
JERRY
My show from last night.
GEORGE
Oh! you taped it?
JERRY
Yeah , I was doing new material.
GEORGE
Hey! Did 'ya ever do that thing on the
toes that I said .
JERRY
Huh?
GEORGE
Yeah! like the big toe is like the captain
of the toes, but sometimes the toe next
to the big toe gets so
big that there's like a power struggle and the second toe assumes
control of the foot.
JERRY
The" coup dé-toe"
GEORGE
Yeah. Did you do it?
JERRY
Yeah!
GEORGE
So?
JERRY
Nothin'.....nothing at all.
GEORGE
Need to use the phone.
JERRY
Who you calling?
GEORGE
China.
JERRY
China really?
GEORGE
Yeah. I'll pay for it.
JERRY
What for?
GEORGE
What for? . I'll tell you what for....
for hair.
JERRY
Hair?
GEORGE
The Chinese have done it my friend .
The Chinese have done it.
JERRY
Done what?
GEORGE
Discovered a cure for baldness.
REPAIRMAN
Did you see that last night?
GEORGE
It was on CNN ( Kramer comes in and
he is taping from a Camcorder) This
Chinese doctor Zeng Zau.
has discovered a cure for baldness.
JERRY
( to Kramer) What's this?
KRAMER
Well I just got it. Spector gave it
to me , he's giving everything away...becoming
a minimalist.
GEORGE
Is that the guy who likes fat women?
JERRY
Doesn't the fat fetish conflict with
the minimalism.
KRAMER
( to George) You , you know what you
should've done is watching that report
on CNN last night.
GEORGE
I did, I'm trying to call China.
KRAMER
You can't call China now its like, what,
three 'O clock in the morning there
Jerry; Oh! my God!....
GEORGE
What?
JERRY
Oh! God.. Oh! man.....Oh! brother!!!
I can't believe what I'm hearing. This
woman his talking to
me on my tape recorder while I was on stage. This is wild. I've
never heard anything like this in my life.
Listen to this.
GEORGE
(George puts on the headphones) Oh!
my god...
KRAMER
Give me it..( tries to pull them off
George's head)
GEORGE
Wa..Wait.Wait!......Who is this woman?
JERRY
I don't know . I have no idea . I was
just listening and she came on.
GEORGE
This is like a Penthouse letter...Why
can't I meet women like this?
KRAMER
All right Come on....again attempts
to pull headphones off)
GEORGE
WAIT ,WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!!!!.... Where
was the tape recorder?
JERRY
It was in the back of the room on the
left, she must have been sitting right
in front of it.
GEORGE
My god!!!
KRAMER
C'mon it's my turn.
GEORGE
All right, All right, all, right!!(
gives the headphones to Kramer) How
you gonna find out who this is?
JERRY
Good question.
KRAMER
Where's the volume..(finds it) A, YAI..YA...YA..YA!!!!
Cut to Monks
GEORGE
What do the Chinese have to gain by
faking a cure for baldness?
JERRY
If it was real ,they would never let
it out of the country. No baldness ,
it'd be like a nation of Supermen.
ELAINE
Hi boys.
BOTH
Hello...
ELAINE
What's happening?
JERRY
Tell her. I wanna hear her reaction.
GEORGE
This woman left this really sexy message
on Jerry's tape recorder......
JERRY
(pushes George) NOT THAT YOU IDIOT!!
GEORGE
What??
JERRY
The Chinese , the Chinese bald cure.
GEORGE
I thought you meant the..
JERRY
No I meant the bald cure. We were talking
about the bald cure.
ELAINE
What did she say?
PETER
Seinfeld.....( from way in the back
of the restaurant. Cheesy plot device
to have Jerry leave the
table for a minute so George and Elaine can talk)
JERRY
Hey! Is that Peter? ...I can't believe
it. Get me a cup of Decaf.( leaves table)
ELAINE
So did you hear this message?
GEORGE
Oh!, he he, It was unbelievable
ELAINE
Really!
GEORGE
Yeah. I can't get over it.
ELAINE
Huh! Sexy?
GEORGE
This woman drove us out of our minds
ELAINE
Like ...humm...How did she sound?
GEORGE
She had this throaty , sexy kind of
whisper.
ELAINE
Really , like a... like a....(leans
over to George and whispers) Jerry,
I want to slide my tongue
around you like a snake.....Ooooooooooha ,oooooohaaaa.....
GEORGE
Oh! my God!!......You?.....You?...That
was you?....
ELAINE
Shhhhhh!!!
GEORGE
how did ya?...
ELAINE
I stopped at the club to see him and
I was standing in the back while he
was on, right?,
and there was this tape recorder there and I.....got this impulse.
Ha Ha Ha Ha....What?
GEORGE
Oh! no no nothing....
ELAINE
Now listen , promise me you won't tell
him Okay.I want to have a little fun
with this.
GEORGE
I had no Idea you were filled with such....sexuality..
ELAINE
Oh! That was nothing. So listen, what
about this bald thing?
GEORGE
Ah! Some bald thing, a bald thing I
dunno. It's nothing
Jerry comes back
JERRY
Remember Peter?
GEORGE
Peter?
JERRY
You remember Peter. remember I told
you how he went to the track that one
time and he was yelling at this
jockey and the jockey got off the horse and started chasin' him.
ELAINE
So listen , what about this girl on
the tape recorder?
JERRY
Oh Elaine....What do you think an enraptured
female fan of mine might say?
ELAINE
I don't know.
JERRY
She went on in some detail about certain
activities, illegal in some states,
for consenting adults.
Things you would know very little about.
ELAINE
Oh! really.
JERRY
Well this type of things is very common
when you're in show business.
ELAINE
So what, Are you gonna ask her out.
JERRY
No I can't she didn't leave her name
or number.
ELAINE
Bummer...Okay , good luck finding her
. I'm taking off.
GEORGE
Wh.. Where you going?
ELAINE
Home.
GEORGE
Why you going home for?
ELAINE
Well , I just came from the gym , unless
I can shower at your place.
JERRY
Sure.
Back to Jerry's
GEORGE
Oh! my god. Oh! man...
JERRY
I don't get it. Why would a woman do
that and then leave no way to get in
touch with her.
ELAINE
(coming out of the shower in a bathrobe)
May be she realized she could never
have you and she jumped off
the George Washington Bridge.
GEORGE
(phone rings ,picks up) Operator? Beijing?
JERRY
Why are you doing this?
GEORGE
Why do I do anything? tsss...For women.
JERRY
Elaine have you ever gone out with a
bald man?
ELAINE
No.
JERRY
You know what that makes you?...A baldist.
GEORGE
Oh. This I need. Hello!! Hello. i..i..is
this the hair restoration clinic? ...Does
anyone speak English?
ELAINE
( to Kramer who just got in with his
camcorder) Ooooh! You're taping.
KRAMER
Just be yourselves. ( Elaine plays with
her hair flirtingly)
ELAINE
Aah! Okaaay.
KRAMER
Well we're talking with Elaine Benes;
Adult film star on the set of her new
picture "Elaine does the Upper
West side"
ELAINE
( to the camera) Hi. How 're you doin'?
KRAMER
I'm doin' fine.
GEORGE
Do you speak English?...English!!
KRAMER
Whooooa! here's the director Jerry Seinfeld
. Jerry , you discovered Elaine Benes?
JERRY
Well yes I did that's true. A couple
of a guys I knew in the coastguard told
me about her.... and I sensed
that she had the anger and intensity that I needed to make this
film work.
GEORGE
English. Does anybody speak English
.Nobody speaks English.
KRAMER
So What scene are you ready to shoot
now , Elaine?
GEORGE
In this scene my co-star who's right
over here ( goes over to George who
is still on the phone)
Follow meeeee... is George Costanza, he plays an airline pilot
who's just returned from Rome
and I'm about to show him how much I've missed him.
Door buzzer rings
KRAMER
That's my Chinese food...So George is
this your first movie with Elaine?
GEORGE
(visibly disturbed) I...I..I dunno.
KRAMER
So Elaine in your movies is the sex
real or is it simulated?
ELAINE
Oh. it's always simulated....except
with George that's in my contract.
GEORGE
All right, Kramer that's it.....( pushes
the camera) Hello . English. Does anyone
speak English
KRAMER
( to the Chinese delivery boy) How much
do I owe you?
PING
$15.90.
KRAMER
$15.90.?
GEORGE
Huh. Excuse me (to Ping) Hum... Do you
speak chinese?
PING
Chinese....Yeah.
GEORGE
Look...humm..I'm on with Beijing with
the hair restauration clinic. Could
you talk to them for
me and tell them I'd like to place an order.
PING
(sounds like) Gwen , Ayon. Wonche son
thai gettin my chon fai yu.( looks at
George and laughs)
GEORGE
They got a billion people over there
and he found a relative.
PING
Ah Fuka suma. If you send money they
send cream.
GEORGE
They send me? Aw right ..ask 'em Does
it really work?
PING
Gym a gun sen tokomo. Chin che .They
say you grow hair, Look a like Stalin
GEORGE
Ask' em Are there any side effects?
PING
Dowe o futo yum.... Impotence. ....(
makes a just kidding gesture)
GEORGE
Aw! Funny he's a funny guy.
PING
Get a money order from the Bank of China
, be here three days after they get
check.
George leaves all excited.
PING
(continues his phone call) Ha Pachini
fair pousher pousher mouist I fai chin
fousher...
JERRY
( as Ping rambles on ) ...S'cuse me
( Ping looks up) Kind of an expensive
call.
On a street at night in George's car
ELAINE
Thanks for driving me home. What did
I do to deserve this?
GEORGE
Yoohoo ,Plenty......Wh..wh..what are
doing hum...you're going in?
ELAINE
Well ya. I guess so Why? You wanna do
something?
GEORGE
yeah....euh...I dunno What?
ELAINE
Pffft....there's really nothing to do.
GEORGE
( becoming more and more awkward) Yeah.....
ELAINE
Do you think of anything?..
GEORGE
No, no....(mumbles)
ELAINE
I am up for anything.
GEORGE
Really...(he honks the car and is startled,
Elaine laughs)......I have to say...You
were really good
doing that porno thing....you're talented.
ELAINE
I was just kiddin, around.......
GEORGE
I thought the thing you said about the
sex not being simulated . That was really
funny.
ELAINE
( feeling awkward as well) Yeah! that
was a...f...fun ..mmm?.
George; So all right I'll speak to you through Jerry and everything.
ELAINE
Okay...Thanks a lot for the ride.
Elaine gets out of the car , George tries to catch his breath.
Back to Jerry's.
JERRY
..She was sitting at the table where
I had my tape recorder...Okay great.
Thanks again.. bye.
HA Ha..Who do these women think they're dealing with? Did she
think she was gonna leave this incredibly
erotic message on my tape and I was just gonna let it go. Not
Bloody likely...
KRAMER
What is that?
JERRY
That's my cockney accent.
KRAMER
Naw ,na , that's no good.
JERRY
Lets hear yours.
KRAMER
Not bloody likely..
JERRY
That's the worst cockney accent I've
ever heard in my life.( George enters)
Hey! Georgie boy , guess what I
got.
George; Guess, what I got.
JERRY
Oh! Is that the bald stuff?
GEORGE
From China. All the way from China.
KRAMER
Wait,wait wait...Let me get the camera.
GEORGE
No Don't get the camera , we don't need
the camera. Listen I know your skeptical
, but I really believe
in the Chinese.
JERRY
Yes I am skeptical.
GEORGE
Why do you have to be so suspicious
of every one. This is a great man Zeng
Zau, he wants to help bald people.
KRAMER
W..W..Wa...Wa..Wait..Wait wait.. Now
lets videotape your head for the before
picture, so we can watch
how it grows and stuff. Sit down (George sits).....Lean back...A
little bit to the right.
JERRY
Make sure you get this area here, where
he needs the help....
GEORGE
All right, all right ( Goes to the bathroom)
KRAMER
He's a happy camper huh?
JERRY
Happy camper , I don't hear that expression
enough.
Kramer; Remember that guy who took my jacket. The one I found
at my mother's house.
JERRY
Yeah.
KRAMER
My mother told me that he got arrested
for mail fraud
JERRY
No kidding?
KRAMER
He's in jail.
JERRY
What happened to the jacket. Did he
take it with him?
KRAMER
That's what I intend to find out. (George
comes out of the bathroom and he's got
white cream on his head)
JERRY
You can see it. You gonna walk around
like that?
KRAMER
It stinks. Can you smell that?....You
stink.
JERRY
How long are you suppose to leave it
on for?
GEORGE
All day. ( phone rings , Jerry picks
up)
JERRY
Hello.
ELAINE
It's Elaine Marie Benes.
JERRY
Well Hello..
ELAINE
Hello.. so did you ever find out who
that woman was?
JERRY
Yes , I got her number.
GEORGE
Is that Elaine?
JERRY
Yeah.
GEORGE
HI ELAINE...
ELAINE
I guess you figure you're in for a pretty
wild night?
JERRY
Well , as I said this type of thing
is very common in show business
ELAINE
Well listen I'm going to (?) do you
want me to stop by?
GEORGE
Did she say Hello?
JERRY
What? I dunno.
GEORGE
I mean , when I said Hello did she say
Hello back?
JERRY
I don't know , Who keeps track of Hellos.
GEORGE
Isn't polite to say Hello when somebody
says hello?
JERRY
She's coming up.
GEORGE
Elaine's coming up?
JERRY
Yeah. What's wrong, why? ( George runs
back to the bathroom)
KRAMER
How often do you cut your toe nails?
JERRY
I would say every two and a half to
eight weeks.
KRAMER
'cos the other night , you know, I was
sleeping with Marion I rolled over and
I cut her ankle
with my big toe.
JERRY
The big toe; The captain.
KRAMER
What?
Jerry; The captain of the toes. ( phone rings) Hello.
ELAINE
Jerry...Jerry listen I got too much
stuff this afternoon, I can't come over,
forget it.
JERRY
Okay....too bad.
ELAINE
So humm....When you gonna call her?
JERRY
Soon as I get off the phone wih you.
ELAINE
Good luck.
JERRY
okay , bye ( to George) What happened
, did you take it off?
GEORGE
Yeah, that was enough.
JERRY
That's it, you gave up?
GEORGE
No No I'm working on a system...Who
was that?
JERRY
That was Elaine , she changed her mind.
She's not coming over.
As Jerry dials the girls number, George races to the bathroom
one more time.
ALICIA
Hello.
JERRY
Hello is this Alicia? .This is Jerry
Seinfeld.
ALICIA
Yeah.
JERRY
This is Jerry Seinfeld.
Cuts to commercial. Back to Jerry's after an implied date with
Alicia
JERRY
(to Kramer) ...( words missing)...laugh
, everything's nice and at the end of
the night I go for
a little contact. I get the PULL BACK. This woman said the filthiest
things I've ever heard in
my life. I get the Pull Back.
Door buzzer
JERRY
Yeah..
GEORGE
It's George.
JERRY
Come on up . (looks at his watch) ...What's
he doing here now?
KRAMER
So , you blew it?
JERRY
She must be psychotic or something.
KRAMER
Let me have her number.
JERRY
I'm not giving you her number.
KRAMER
I know how to handle these psychotics.
George comes in wearing a huge cowboy hat.
JERRY
Sheriff?........What's with the hat?
KRAMER
(George takes off the hat , he's got
that cream on again) Pheeewwww! Boy!
You stink.
JERRY
What are doing here now?
GEORGE
I have to talk to you about something
.
KRAMER
All right lets take a look to see what
we got ( examines George's head) Wait
a second..
I think I see something here George. Lets go to the videotape.
GEORGE
Aahh..No..No..
JERRY
What's up?
GEORGE
I can't tell ya now , he's gonna be
back in a ten seconds.
JERRY
So just start it.
GEORGE
I can't.
JERRY
Oh! Come om . He'll be over there for
a half hour, he gets lost over there.
C'mon so what is this about?
GEORGE
All right.........I've become attracted
to Elaine..
Kramer burst in with is video setup.
Kramer; All right....Sit down George.
GEORGE
Kramer, can we do this later..
KRAMER
No, I got the tape right here.
JERRY
Kramer, let's do this later.
KRAMER
(ignoring them) Now.. This is the tape
that we made earlier and I think ,that
I see. a couple of buds
right here.
GEORGE
Really? ..You think.
JERRY
Kramer. I would like to talk to George
for a minute, please.
KRAMER
'bout what?
JERRY
It's kinda private.
KRAMER
Like the big toe captain..
GEORGE
So now you're doing my bits?
JERRY
I'M NOT DOING YOUR BITS!!
KRAMER
Okay , all right. I'm gonna take a look
at this huh!.( leaves)
JERRY
Does she know?
GEORGE
NO!!
JERRY
How did it happen?
GEORGE
I can't say.
JERRY
Well, why can't you say it?
GEORGE
Because I promised her.
JERRY
I thought you just said she doesn't
know??
GEORGE
She doesn't.
JERRY
So how can you promise her?
GEORGE
Because she asked me to.
JERRY
What is this, an Abbott and Costello
routine?
GEORGE
All right You really want to know?...It
all started when she told met hat...she
was the voice
on your tape recorder.
JERRY
What, Elaine?
GEORGE
Yeah! She made me promise not to tell
you .It's supposed to be a joke.
JERRY
(picks up the headphones) That was Elaine...
GEORGE
Well let me hear....( they struggle
for the headphones)
JERRY
Wait a second. .Just give me a second
GEORGE
You heard it fifty times already.
JERRY
She's my ex-girlfriend I think I have
precedence
Door Buzzer
JERRY
Yeaaaah!!!
ELAINE
Hi, It's Elaine is this a bad time?
George grabs his hat and rushes to the bathroom again.
GEORGE
( Yelling from the bathroom) Don't tell
her anything , she'll kill me!!
JERRY
Okay, Okay ,I promise. ( puts on the
headphones again) Wow!!! Oh Man...Oh
God..
Oh Brother....Whoooaaaa!! Whoaaaa ( Elaine enters he takes them
off rapidly)
ELAINE
( Concerned) What's the matter?
JERRY
Oooh! I got a pain in my side.
ELAINE
( to George returning) Hi George. Something
stinks in here.( George motions to Jerry,
she nods)
JERRY
What are you doing here?
ELAINE
I was the one who talked into your tape
recorder.
Jerry; I know, George told me.
Elaine; You told him!!!!
GEORGE
He..He threatened me.
JERRY
Where did you come up with all that
stuff?
ELAINE
That was nothing.
GEORGE
Elaine.. I have to tell you something...
JERRY
George NO!!
GEORGE
No no no no no no no..
JERRY
George I'm telling ya..
ELAINE
What is it?
GEORGE
I'm very attracted to you..
JERRY
Aye......
Kramer comes in and yells
KRAMER
I'VE FOUND A HAIR!!! Yes ( goes up to
the video machine and inserts the tape)
Hey, come here, come here ,take a look at this.
GEORGE
Ever since I found out that you let
that message on Jerry's tape recorder
I...
Credits start to roll
KRAMER
Whoa!!!....That was you?
ELAINE
It was a joke...
KRAMER
Wait..( picks up the walkman) Oh my
god...Oh yeah....Elaine , I can't believe
that that is
you.
ELAINE
Aah.... ( she stares at the three of
them all lined up like the Daltons ,all
looking at her
with lust.) I think I'll get going...
GEORGE
Heuh. huh. Stick around a while.
JERRY
It's early.
KRAMER
We'll order Chinese.
She leaves and they all scramble for the tape recorder.
THE END
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