THE TICKET
Written by
Larry David
(Jerry's apartment)
(Enter Kramer with one pant leg on)
JERRY
Where the hell did I put this?
KRAMER
What are you looking for?
JERRY
The remote, the remote, I can't find
the remote. Did I lost, I lost it. Did
you take it? Did you put it some place?
KRAMER
No, no, no.
(Jerry notices Kramer's look)
JERRY
All right, what is this?
KRAMER
what is what?
JERRY
All right, very funny. I get it.
KRAMER
You're in a weird mood.
JERRY
Come on. Go back to your apartment and
fix it.
KRAMER
Fix what?
JERRY
Your pants!
(Kramer is startled when he realizes his looks)
KRAMER
what is this? What have I got one pant
leg on for?
JERRY
Don't you know? Look-look at your face!
You only shaved the right side of your
face! What is this? A joke?
KRAMER
No, t's a joke.. a joke... a joke...
you think this is funny?
JERRY
Go look at your face in the mirror.
KRAMER
Wha-huh-wha-huh...
(door buzzer)
JERRY
yeah?
GEORGE
It's George.
JERRY
Come on up.
KRAMER
I don't believe this.
JERRY
You mean, you didn't know you were doing
any of these things?
KRAMER
No, I swear.
JERRY
I bet this is from that kick from that
crazy Joe Davola. You better see a doctor
and get some X-rays.
(Enter George)
GEORGE
Ah! You're just the man I'm looking
for.
KRAMER
Me?
(George hands Kramer a paper)
GEORGE
Yeah, here you go.
KRAMER
What's this?
GEORGE
A dry-cleaning bill?
JERRY
From that woman at NBC?
GEORGE
Yeah.
KRAMER
A dry-cleaning bill for what?
GEORGE
For vomiting on her vest!
KRAMER
Oh, come on George! I didn't do that
on purpose!
GEORGE
Well, I shouldn't have to pay for it!
KRAMER
Well, neither should I! Jerry's the
one who left the milk in the refrigerator.
GEORGE
Yeah, your milk.
JERRY
He drank it.
KRAMER
I didn't know.
JERRY
All right, well, we should all chip
in I guess.
KRAMER
Yeah.
JERRY
How much was it to clean the vest?
GEORGE
Eighteen dollars.
JERRY
Can you get vomit out of suede?
GEORGE
I don't know.
KRAMER
Yo-yo Ma!
JERRY
What? Yo-yo Ma?
KRAMER
What about him?
JERRY
You just said 'Yo-yo Ma'.
GEORGE
What's Yo-yo Ma?
JERRY
He's a cellist. (to Kramer) You should
see a doctor today.
GEORGE
All right, come on, come on, let's go.
Six dollars.
JERRY
I can't believe she sent you that dry-cleaning
bill.
GEORGE
I know!
JERRY
That doesn't really bode well for the
show, does it?
GEORGE
The show! Forget about the show! We
should take the idea to a different
network
JERRY
Oh, yeah. Right. Like anybody's ever
gonna do this! How did you get me to
go along with that? A show about nothing!
GEORGE
It was a good idea. Susan liked it.
Now, if he hadn't vomitted all over
her, we'd be writing it right now.
KRAMER
Jeez!
GEORGE
Anyway.
(Phone rings, Kramer picks up. Answers in Italian.)
JERRY
What are you doing? What's wrong with
you? What're you doing? Give me that
phone! Go to your apartment and lie
down, I'll make an appointment for a
doctor today.
(on the phone) Hello? Oh hi! I'm sorry. No, that's my next door
neighbor. He's not quite himself. He got kicked in the head.
What? Really? You're kidding! Today? Yeah! Sure! We could make
it. Two o'clock? Yeah, we would do that. Okay. Great! Thanks
a million! Okay, bye.
GEORGE
What?
JERRY
NBC! They wanna have another meeting
about the idea.
GEORGE
They wanna have another meeting? They
wanna buy it?! They wanna but it?! Oh!
I tell you! We're gonna be rich!! What
are we gonna get for this? Fifty, sixty
thousand?
JERRY
I don't know about sixty.
GEORGE
Oh, it's gotta be fifty! Hee hee! You
know how much Ted Danson makes, huh?
JERRY
Ted Danson! Now, how are you comparing
us to Ted Danson?
GEORGE
I didn't say 'We're Ted Danson.'
JERRY
Yes, you did. You said 'We're Ted Danson'!
GEORGE
Oh!
JERRY
You know, I think he wears a piece.
GEORGE
Yeah, don't worry. He can afford it.
(Street)
JERRY
I'm ten minutes slow again! That's it
for this piece of junk! I've had it.
(He throws his watch in the trash can beside him)
GEORGE
What, is that the one your parents gave
you?
JERRY
Yeah! But it never works. You know we're
supposed to be there by two o'clock.
We should take a cab.
GEORGE
All right, we'll be a little late, I,m
not taking a cab.
JERRY
I'll pay for it.
GEORGE
It's not the money!
JERRY
Well, what is it you object to? The
comfort? The Speed? The convenience?
(Both raise their arm to signal a cab.)
LEO
Jerry!
JERRY
Uncle Leo!
LEO
Helloooo!
JERRY
Hello there, how're you doing?
LEO
Ha ha! How are you?
JERRY
Good, good.
LEO
How's your mom and dad?
JERRY
Good, fine.
LEO
What are you getting to be too much
of a big shot now to give me a call?
I don't hear from you anymore!
JERRY
Oh, no. I've been kinda busy. It's all.
LEO
You know where I just came from?
(He grabs Jerry's forearm.)
Danny Barma.
JERRY
Oh, sure. Danny.
LEO
He used to be in the pajama business.
I used to be able to get pajamas for
free. I used to come over and get pajamas
all the time!
(Leo shakes Jerry around using his grip on Jerry's arm.)
JERRY
Oh, yeah, yeah. I remember.
(George gets impatient, touches his watch subtly, maybe subconsciously.)
LEO
The funny thing is: I can't wear 'em.
I get too hot. I sleep in my underwear
and a t-shirt. If it gets too hot, I
just get the t-shirt off! Anyway, Danny
says to me: 'You need any pajamas?'
JERRY
I-I'm sorry Uncle Leo, I really gotta
get going.
LEO
Oh. Well. You gotta get going, so go.
JERRY
We, we got a big meeting with the president
of NBC.
LEO
Nobody got a gun to your head!
JERRY
Yeah, I'm really sorry, uh.
LEO
Go. Really. I understand. You got an
appointment, go to your appointment.
JERRY
I'm sorry, really.
LEO
You know, I know plenty of people in
Hollywood too!
JERRY
Sorry, really.
(Leo turns around and leaves. He passes by the trash can and
sees the watch. He picks it up, takes it to his ear, laughs and
puts it on. He walks away.)
(Hall out of Kramer's apartment)
(Newman knocks on Kramer's door)
KRAMER
Yeah?
NEWMAN
Come on, are you ready? Let's go!
(Straightens his tie)
(Kramer opens the door. He has shaving cream on his face.)
KRAMER
For what?
NEWMAN
What's the matter with you? I just talked
to you fifteen minutes ago.
KRAMER
what about?
NEWMAN
The courthouse. You gotta go with me
to the courthouse. I'm contesting a
ticket today.
KRAMER
I can't, I'm going to the doctor's later.
NEWMAN
You gotta go with me. I mean, you-you're
my alibi. You have to take the stand.
KRAMER
Well, I can't!
NEWMAN
Well, let me remind you of something.
You wouldn't be here if it wasn't for
me and my helmet. I saved your life!
You would be dead! Dead! You would cease
to exist! You would be gone for the
rest of eternity! You wouldn't even
begin to comprehend what that means!!
KRAMER
Shut up! I'll get my coat!
(Newman enters Kramer's apartment)
Don't step on anything.
(NBC's waiting room)
JERRY
You see the look on my uncle's face?
Did you see how insulted he was? What
could I do? Waht are we supposed to
do? You can't leave. There's no excuse
good enough to justify walking away
from a conversation with one of my relatives.
GEORGE
I didn't shave this morning. I don't
feel like myself.
JERRY
You could be a fireman on a fire truck
on the way to a fire. You bump into
one of my relatives. 'I'm sorry Uncle
Leo, there's a building full of people
burning down. I really do have to be
running.' He'll go: 'Go. Go ahead. Go
to your fancy fire. If that's what you
have to do.'
GEORGE
Look at this.
JERRY
Why didn't you shave this morning?
GEORGE
'Cause I shaved yesterday in the afternoon.
JERRY
Why?
GEORGE
Because of the day before. It's a long
story.
(Jerry looks down the hall.)
Can't get back on schedule.
JERRY
Is that Joe Davola?
(Jerry crouches in his seat)
GEORGE
It's not him!
JERRY
I can't live tlike this. I'm being stalked.
RECEPTIONIST
Mister Seinfeld? They're ready for you.
JERRY
Oh.
(They get up)
GEORGE
Mister Seinfeld? What about Mister Costanza?
I'm not here?
(They walk toward the office)
JERRY
All right. Look. Now, you promised you're
gonna be a little more flexible on the
nothing idea, okay? Jsut a little.
GEORGE
Okay. A little.
(Courthouse waiting room)
NEWMAN
Okay, you're all set? You got your story?
KRAMER
No.
NEWMAN
When the cop stopped me, I told him
that I was rushing home because my friend
was about to commit suicide.
KRAMER
Uhm...
NEWMAN
Now, you're that firend. Now, all we
need is a reason why you were going
to commit suicide.
(Pause; they're thinking)
KRAMER
I never had an air conditioner.
NEWMAN
No! That's no reason to kill yourself!
KRAMER
Why? It gets hot at night, you can't
sleep. You ever tried to sleep in a
really hot room?
NEWMAN
Every night I sleep in a really hot
room, I don't want to kill myself.
KRAMER
Well, I slept in really hot rooms and
I wanted to kill myself.
NEWMAN
No, no, no. That's not gonna work. Something
else.
KRAMER
I was never able to become a banker.
(Newman has a revelation.)
NEWMAN
Banker! So you're killing yourself because
your dreams of becoming a banker have
gone unfulfilled. You-you-you-you can't
live without being a banker.
KRAMER
Yeah, yeah. If I can't be banker, I
don't wanna live.
NEWMAN
You must be banker.
KRAMER
MUST be banker.
NEWMAN
Okay, we'll go with the banker story.
(NBC office) (I might be missing a line here, I suck at cutting
the commercials. If so, please complete.)
GEORGE
The story is the foundation of all entertainment.
You must have a good story otherwise
it's just masturbation.
(George is the only one laughing)
RUSSEL
And people really have to care about
the characters.
GEORGE
Care? Forget about care. Love. They
have to love the characters. Otherwise,
why would they keep tuning in?
JERRY
Wouldn't tune in.
GEORGE
Would they tune in?
JERRY
No tune.
RUSSEL
We like to look at the show as if it
were in EKG. You have your highs and
your lows and it goes up and down.
GEORGE
The show will be like a heart attack!
JERRY
Just a huge massive coronary.
RUSSEL
So what you said last week about no
story, you're a little flexible on that
now.
GEORGE
Is-is that what I said 'no story'? Because
Jerry had to tell me later.
JERRY
He couldn't believe it.
GEORGE
I said, I said: 'Get outta here! No
story? Is that what I said?'
(Jerry and George laugh)
(Courtroom)
POLICE OFFICER
Well, I informed him that he was exceeding
the speed limit and uh, that's when
he told me that he was racing home because
his friend was about to commit suicide.
JUDGE
And then what happened?
POLICE OFFICER
Well, then he became very loud and hysterical.
He was flailing his arms about as he
told the story and then he threw himself
on the ground and he grabbed me around
the legs and then he begged me to let
him go. And when I refused, that's when
he began to scream: 'My friend's going
to die, my friend's going to die.'
(NBC office)
RUSSEL
Look. I don't know how you two guys
feel but we would really like to be
in business with you.
(George starts, Jerry starts later, both speak at the same time,
nonstop)
GEORGE
Well, we would like to be in business.
Let's do business. We'll have some business.
Let's have business.
JERRY
We would love to be in business. We'll
do business. We're in business. It's...
it's business. This is business.
GEORGE
Yeah!
STU
Would it be possible to get a-a-a copy
of 'La Cocina'?
(Pause. George and Jerry are puzzled.)
(Jerry gets it, pokes George.)
JERRY
Your off-Broadway play.
GEORGE
Oh, oh. Uh, you know. It's the damndest
thing. I, uh, I moved recently and my
files, pfff, disappeared. Now, I-I don't
know if they fell off the truck or if
there was some sort of foul play but
let me tell you something. I'm not through
with that moving company.
JERRY
Hmm, hmm.
GEORGE
That's my vow to you.
RUSSEL
Well, I got a feeling about you two.
And even more than that. I place a great
deal of confidence in that lady's judgment.
(the lady is Susan)
(George and Jerry both speak at the same time, nonstop)
GEORGE
Oh! That's good judgment. That's a pile
of judgment there. Sure.
JERRY
Oh! Taht's judgment. Yes, yes. Judgment
with earrings on. Yeah.
RUSSEL
So, let's make a pilot.
(Hand shakes)
(Courtroom)
NEWMAN
I had gone up to Westchester. I go there
every Tuesday. I do charity for the
blind in my spare time for the Lighthouse.
I was in the middle of a game of Parcheesi
with an old blind man and I excused
myself to call my friend as he was very
depressed lately because he never became
a banker.
JUDGE
I don't understand.
NEWMAN
You see, it'd been his lifelong dream
to be a banker and he uh, just the day
before he was turned down by another
bank. I believe it was the Manufacturer's
Hanover on Lexington and 40th Street.
That was the third bank to turn him
down so I was-I was a little concerned.
I wanted to see how he was doing. Well,
Your Honor, he was barely audible. But
I distinctly recall him say...
KRAMER
Yo-yo Ma!
NEWMAN
So I sped home to save my friend's life
and I was stopped for speeding. Yes,
I admit I was speeding but it was to
save a man's life. A close friend. An
innocent person who wanted nothing more
out of life than to love, to be loved
and to be a banker.
JUDGE
So then he didn't kill himself.
NEWMAN
No sir. He did not. But only by thge
grace of God. He's in the courtroom
today
(Stands up, points to Kramer.)
(dramatically) sitting right over there! And he can corroborate
my entire testimony.
(NBC's waiting room)
(Jerry and George are coming out of the office)
GEORGE
See?
JERRY
Yeah!
GEORGE
I told you, I told you! Ha ha ha! Ooh
ooh!
JERRY
Now, all we gotta do is write it.
GEORGE
Yes! How're we gonna do that?
(Enter Susan)
SUSAN
Hey! Congratulations!
JERRY
Thanks.
GEORGE
Oh, thank you.
JERRY
Thank you, thanks.
GEORGE
Thanks. Gee, you know, I thought you
were mad at me.
SUSAN
No.
RECEPTIONIST
Mister Seinfeld, you have a phone call.
JERRY
Phone call? Who knows I'm here?
(He picks up the phone)
Hello? Mom? How'd you know I was here? Oh, I was not rude to
him, that is baloney! I couldn't talk! I couldn't talk! I had
a meeting! I don't know... he-he went off on something about
pajamas!
GEORGE
When you sent me the-the bill for the
dry-cleaning. I thought the show didn't
have a chance.
SUSAN
Oh, it was only vomit.
GEORGE
Anyway, I-I would like to-to pay for
the cleaning.
SUSAN
Oh no-no, it's okay. *comment from transcriber:
yeah, she doesn't want to be paid, didn't
she send the bill?*
GEORGE
No-no-no, we all chipped in. We have
the money.
SUSAN
Well, it was eighteen dollars.
GEORGE
Okay, uh, eighteen dollars, and there
it is. There you go. So maybe we could
get together this weekend.
SUSAN
Yeah. Call me.
GEORGE
All right, great.
SUSAN
Bye.
JERRY
Bye thanks.
GEORGE
Bye, thanks. (To Jerry, when Susan is
far) I can't believe she took the money.
JERRY
Why?
GEORGE
I offered to pay. She should've said
no.
JERRY
She did, you insisted.
GEORGE
Maybe this is what the pilot should
be about, vomiting on somebody's vest.
JERRY
Nah!
GEORGE
How much are we gonna get for this?
Fifty, sixty thousand?
JERRY
oh, I d-I don't know. I d---
GEORGE
Oh, gotta get fifty. Gotta get fifty.
All right, I tell you what. We go to
the coffee shop, you call your manager.
Maybe they made an offer.
JERRY
Okay.
GEORGE
All right, let's go, let's go, let's
go, come on.
(Coffee shop)
GEORGE
Thirteen thousand?
JERRY
Thirteen thousand.
GEORGE
a piece?
JERRY
No, for both!
GEORGE
That's insulting! Ted Danson makes eight
hundred thousand dollars an episode.
JERRY
Oh, would you stop with the Ted Danson?
GEORGE
Well, he does.
JERRY
You're nuts!
GEORGE
I'm sorry. I can't live knowing Ted
Danson makes that much more than me.
Who is he?
JERRY
He's somebody.
GEORGE
What about me?
JERRY
You're nobody.
GEORGE
Why him? Why not me?
JERRY
He's good, you're not.
GEORGE
I'm better than him.
JERRY
You're worse, much much worse. (crouches
in booth) That's Davola!
GEORGE
What? Where? Where?
JERRY
Outside! I saw him outside!
(Europe) *I think.*
(Elaine is kissing with a guy. He stops. She keeps kissing him,
then stops.)
ELAINE
what is it?
BOYFRIEND
Oh, it's this patient.
ELAINE
Again?
BOYFRIEND
I'm fairly certain. I forgot to leave
him an extra prescription for his medication.
ELAINE
Well, so, he can live without his Valium
for a couple of days.
BOYFRIEND
Nah, you don't understand. He could
be dangerous.
(Elaine turns around, rolls her eyes.)
(Coffee shop)
JERRY
Go outside and see if he's still there.
GEORGE
I can't go out there, he knows we're
friends.
JERRY
Well, what are we supposed to do? I
gotta take Kramer to the doctor.
(A cop sits down at the counter.)
GEORGE
Tell the cop.
JERRY
Good idea.
(Walks to counter)
Excuse me officer. There's a guy outside and he's kind of a nut
job and I think he's waiting to beat me up. If you could just
walk me outside and wait till I get into a cab.
COP
Yeah, all right. Just let me get a muffin.
JERRY
Thanks.
Jerry waits a while and realizes he has to go sit back with George
and wait over there.)
JERRY
He's gonna get a muffin and then he'll
walk us outside. This is a great way
to go through life.
(Looks over at the cop)
Hey! He's looking at the menu now. What's he looking at the menu
for?!
GEORGE
I thought you said he was gonna get
a muffin.
(Jerry gets up and walks to the counter)
JERRY
What are you doing?
COP
What?
JERRY
What, are you ordering food now?
COP
Yeah! Yeah, I decided to get a sandwich.
JERRY
What happened to the muffin?
COP
I got a little hungry.
JERRY
All of a sudden you get hungry?
COP
Yeah! You got a problem with that?
JERRY
No! Enjoy your lunch.
(Goes back toward the booth and stops.)
You know a muffin can be very filling.
(Keeps walking to the booth)
He's getting a sandwich now!
GEORGE
I thought he was just gonna have a muffin.
JERRY
All of a sudden he gets hungry.
GEORGE
You know, a muffin can be very filling.
JERRY
I know!
(Courtroom)
NEWMAN
Mister Kramer, you heard the testimony
so far. Would you please tell the court
in your own words what happened on the
afternoon of September 10th?
KRAMER
What do you mean 'my own words'? Whose
words are they gonna be?
NEWMAN
You know what I mean.
KRAMER
I was very upset that day.
NEWMAN
And why was that?
KRAMER
Would you let me say it? Let me talk!
NEWMAN
All right, all right. Go ahead, go ahead.
KRAMER
All right.
NEWMAN
Okay.
KRAMER
I was very upset that day because I
could never become a banker.
NEWMAN
And that failure to become a banker
was eating at you. Eating-eating-eating
at you inside.
KRAMER
Uh, yeah.
NEWMAN
It was your family that pushed you into
banking , it was their dream for you...
JUDGE
Mister Newman.
NEWMAN
Your Honor, I'm only trying to establish
Mister Kramer's fragile emotional state,
my entire case depends on it.
JUDGE
Uh, continue.
NEWMAN
As you were saying, Mister Kramer...
KRAMER
What was the question?
NEWMAN
You're telling how your parents pushed
you into banking.
KRAMER
Uh, well, my father when I was a kid,
he took me to the bank and he lifted
me up and he pointed to the teller and
he said: 'Sonny boy, take a good look
at him, that's gonna be you some day.'
NEWMAN
But you never became a banker, did you
Mister Kramer? Why? Why did you fail?
KRAMER
I don't know.
NEWMAN
It was because you hated your father
and you would do anything to displease
him. Isn't THAT true?
JUDGE
Uh, could you get to the speeding?
NEWMAN
Yuh, yes. I intend to Your Honor. And
then, on the afternoon of September
10th, you received a phone call did
you not?
KRAMER
Phone call?
NEWMAN
Yes, a phone call!
KRAMER
From who?
NEWMAN
From me!
KRAMER
From you?
NEWMAN
Yes, from me!! I called you remember?
KRAMER
You called me?
NEWMAN
Yes, I called you, you idiot! Because
you were going to... You were going
to... Remember?
KRAMER
what?
NEWMAN
You were going to...
(Mimmicks hanging himself, growing hysterical as only Newman
can)
You were going to do something
(Mimmicks stabbing himself in stomach and jerking the knife around)
to yourself! You were going to do something to yourself! Remember
the banking? The banking, about the banking, about the banking!!!
JUDGE
I'm afraid I'm gonna have to call a---
NEWMAN
Yes, the banker!!!
KRAMER
What banking?
NEWMAN
A banker! A banker! Your Honor, Your
Honor, Your Honor...
JUDGE
That's enough already.
NEWMAN
Your Honor, Mister Kramer's obviously
very distraught.
KRAMER
I'm distraught!?! Wooh-wooh-hoo!
NEWMAN
You shut up!
I demand a recess so I can take him
outside and help him regain hius composure.
JUDGE
That'll be seventy-five dollars.
NEWMAN
What's the matter with you? We had it
all worked out!
(They fall on their backs. Kramer knocks the flag on judge.)
(Coffee shop) (Missing another line here as well. Told you, I
sucked at cutting the commercials, didn't I? Please complete
again. *between asterisks are only guesses. Correct if not accurate.)
*JERRY
Do you see him?
GEORGE
I'm not* sure.
JERRY
Well, either you see him or you don't.
GEORGE
All right. I don't.
JERRY
What is he doing? Is he getting coffee?
I think he's getting coffee.!
GEORGE
What's with this guy?
(Jerry walks to the counter)
JERRY
Did you just order coffee?
COP
Yeah.
JERRY
This is really too much.
COP
What is your problem?
JERRY
Well, I'm sitting over there waiting
for you to finish your sandwich for
twenty minutes. Now you're drinking
coffee, that's gonna be another ten
minutes.
COP
Well, you're just gonna have to wait.
(Enter Kramer and Newman)
KRAMER
Never said anything about the banking.
NEWMAN
You're off your rocker.
JERRY
Hey you guys!
KRAMER
Hey!
JERRY
What are you doing here?
KRAMER
What are YOU doing here?
JERRY
Hey, is Davola outside?
KRAMER
Davola?
JERRY
Yeah.
KRAMER
No, I didn't see him.
NEWMAN
Crazy Joe Davola?
GEORGE
Jerry, yours is eleven dollars.
JERRY
Eleven dollars for what?
GEORGE
Muffin, sandwich and coffee!
JERRY
Hey, NBC okayed our idea. We're gonna
make the pilot.
KRAMER
You're gonna do the circus freak show,
uh?
JERRY
No.
NEWMAN
Pilot? So what do you make for something
like that? Fifty? Sixty thousand?
GEORGE
What's the difference? The money is
not important.
JERRY
Hey Newman, is that your red car?
NEWMAN
Yeah.
JERRY
I think you're getting a ticket.
NEWMAN
Deh!
KRAMER
Run, run! Go, go, go!
(Newman runs outside)
NEWMAN
Hey! What are you doing? It's after
six o'clock! You can't give me a ticket!
Hey, you're not gonna get away with
this. I'll fight this. I got witnesses.
KRAMER
I saw the whole thing!
JERRY
Maybe this whole thing would be a good
idea for the pilot.
GEORGE
Ah, get outta here. The vomiting is
much funnier.
JERRY
Oh, like you know what you're talking
about!
GEORGE
No, YOU do!
THE END
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