THE TRUTH
Written by
Elaine Pope & Larry Charles
(Comedy club)
Welcome everyone to the room...Ah, the extra button....yeah ...
what kind of a sicko
would save these ...have them in a huge file, drawers that wide
(small fingers opening
imaginary drawers) Where the hell is that ... I mean is it THAT
hard to get round black
buttons that they have to make it into such a great thing like
this? ... is it such a
great jacket ... the buttons are so unique, so one of a kind,
you'll never find them - they
save you the trouble of knocking your brain off - and we know
they're going to fall off too, that's the other thing ...
(Monk's)
PATRICE
Everyone in my family's creative. And
even though I'm working as an accountant
now I'd really like to eventually live exclusively on my pappe-ay
mache-ay hats
GEORGE
I don't understand. Paper Machay hats?
PATRICE
uh uh
GEORGE
What if it rains?
FD
They're art. You hang them on the wall.
GEORGE
Oh, art!
PATRICE
It's my creative outlet. One of my passions.
GEORGE
Any money in it?
PATRICE
Who so belongs only to his age, references
only popenjays and mumbo jumbos
GEORGE
Of course, right.
PATRICE
Thomas Carlisle, 1864.
GEORGE
Tommy C.
Jerry's Apartment
JERRY
These are the receipts from 85 and I'm
going to do 86.
KRAMER
I'm sorry. I thought it was a legitimate
charity. I didn't know you'd get audited
JERRY
I don't blame you. I blame myself.
KRAMER
No, blame me.
JERRY
OK, I blame you.
KRAMER
Don't blame me.
JERRY
What was I supposed to do? You knew
I was on my first date with Elaine.
You come
barging in here asking me to contribute money for a volcano relief
fund for krakatoa.
KRAMER
It was supposed to erupt.
JERRY
I find the whole thing very embarrassing.
KRAMER
You know what my feelings are about
this. I don't even pay taxes.
JERRY
Yeah, tha's easy when you have no income.
(Elaine enters)
ELAINE
Hi,
JERRY
Hi
ELAINE
Kramer, do me a favour will ya'. If
you insist o making pasta in my
apartment please don't put the tomato sauce on the pasta while
it's in the
strainer. All the little squares have hardened red sauce in them.
(Jerry smiles)
ELAINE
What's so funny
JERRY
Kramer dating your room mate. It's funny.
ELAINE
Uh, it's a riot Alice.
KRAMER
When do you pit the sauce on?
ELAINE
Any other time.
KRAMER
I like to strain the sauce.
ELAINE
And ... I could really live without
the tribal music ... and the make out
sessions
in the living room
KRAMER
Yeah, Tina likes the couch.
ELAINE
What are you doing? What is all this?
JERRY
Oh he's uh, helping me sort my receipts.
I'm being audited.
ELAINE
O, your being auditted? What for?
JERRY
Oh, I contributed money to a charity
that turned out to be fraudulent. It's
very
boring.
ELAINE
When was this?
JERRY
Uh, Along long time ago, in a galaxy
far far away.
ELAINE
I remember you donated to some volcano
thing on our first date.
JERRY
Volcano? Really?
ELAINE
Oh, wait a minute. Don't tell me that
that was ...
JERRY
Something to drink?
ELAINE
What did you think, that would impress
me?
JERRY
You got it ALL wrong. I was thinking
only of the poor Krakatoans
ELAINE
Like you this donation for 50 bucks
and I'd start tearing my clothes off?
JERRY
Those brave Krakatoans East of Java.
who sacrifice so much for so long.
ELAINE
Now you're being audited because of
it. You see That's Karma.
JERRY
No, that's Krama.
ELAINE
So, waddya' going to do?
JERRY
It's all taken care of.
ELAINE
How is that?
KRAMER
(chuckles)
JERRY
An old friend of mine, whom you may
have met, George Costanza,
has recently become intimate with a female accountant who was
formally a highly
placed official with an outfit known as the IRS. And as we speak,
at this very
moment he is handing over to her all of my pertinent tax information.
And she
has assured us that the matter is well within her field of expertise.
ELAINE
Why is she doing this?
JERRY
I don't know. It must be love.
Monks
GEORGE
I don't think we should see each other
anymore. You're great but I'm I'm riddled
with
personal problems.
PATRICE
What did I do?
GEORGE
Nothing It's not you. It's me. I have
a fear of commitment. I don't know how
to love.
PATRICE
You hate my earrings don't you?
GEORGE
No, no,
PATRICE
And you didn't comment on the chop sticks.
GEORGE
I love the chop sticks. I, I personally
prefer a fork but they look very nice.
PATRICE
You're not telling me the truth. I must
have done something.
GEORGE
I have a fear of intimacy
PATRICE
Don't give me cliches. I have a right
to know. What did I do wrong?
GEORGE
Nothing. It's not YOU..
PATRICE
I want the truth.
GEORGE
The truth. you want the truth? It is
your earrings It is the chopsticks but
it's so much
more. You're pretentious. You call everyone by their full name
You call my doorman, Sammy,
"Samuel" but you didn't even say "Samuel" You went "Sam - U-
EL" Papie-eh Mach-eh What is
Papie-ay Mach-ay?
PATRICE
Keep goin'.
GEORGE
I, I think I made my point. I'm sorry
if I was a little harsh.
PATRICE
No, I asked for the truth. Thank you
for being so honest.
GEORGE
Can I uh, can I walk you back to work?
PATRICE
I prefer to go alone. How much do I
owe?
GEORGE
Oh, please ... ... four dollars is f...
Jerry's Apartment
JERRY
... if this audit had happened to me
and I didn't have this woman to help
me I would have killed this man. I would have strangled the life
out of him
with my bare hands
ELAINE
I don't blame ya'
JERRY
Have you ever been through an audit?
ELAINE
No.
JERRY
It's hell. It's the financial equivalent
of a complete rectal
examination. I would have killed this man. Torn him limb from
limb, ripped the
flesh right off his bones ...
(buzzer)
JERRY
Yeah
GEORGE
George
JERRY
Come up - Ah, there he is, the man himself,
George Louis Costanza. Here I am about
to go
to the electric chair and my oldest friend is dating the governor
GEORGE
My whole life has been a complete waste
of time, (chuckle)
JERRY
And there's so much more to go.
GEORGE
Now I know what I am supposed to do.
It's so simple.
Tell the truth That's all. Just tell the truth
JERRY
So what happened? You gave her my tax
papers? ... My papers?
GEORGE
Oh, oh, your papers
JERRY
What happened you didn't give her the
papers?
GEORGE
No. I did.
JERRY
SO?
GEORGE
...I broke up with her.
(Kramer leaves)
JERRY
You what?
GEORGE
I broke up with her.
JERRY
I'm being audited! And you broke up
with her?
GEORGE
It's OK. It's fine. She'll do it. I'm
sure she'll still do it.
JERRY
Why will she still do it? She hates
you now. People don't do you favors
after you dump
them.
GEORGE
Oh, no. We left on good terms.
JERRY
How is that possible?
GEORGE
Because I uh, I told her the truth.
JERRY
Oh, my God.
GEORGE
It's OK.
JERRY
It's unheard of ...
GEORGE
She asked me to.
JERRY
So you lie! What did you tell her?
GEORGE
I told her that she was pretentious.
JERRY
Pretentious!? The woman has my tax papers.
You told her she was
pretentious? The IRS. They're like the MAFIA. They can take anything
they
want
ELAINE
How would you like it if someone told
YOU the truth?
GEORGE
Like what? What could they say?
ELAINE
There are plenty of things to say.
GEORGE
Like what? I'm bald? What is it specifically?
Is, is there an odor I'm not aware of?
ELAINE
George, please.
GEORGE
Give me one.
ELAINE
You sure?
GEORGE
Yes.
ELAINE
What?
ELAINE
Forget it. You are very careful with
money.
GEORGE
I'm cheap? You think I'm CHEAP? How
could you say that to me? I can't
believe this. How could you say that to me?
ELAINE
You asked me to.
GEORGE
You should have lied.
ELAINE
HUH, so should you.
JERRY
OK, wait a second, wait a second, what
happened to my papers?
GEORGE
(ignoring Jerry) I mean I'm not really
working right now.
ELAINE
I know.
GEORGE
When I was working I spent baby.
JERRY
Yeah, I know champagne, limos, cigars.
WHAT happened to the papers?
GEORGE
She put them in her pocketbook. I guess
she took them with her.
ELAINE
Pocketbook or a handbag?
JERRY
Is that relevant? She TOOK them. Call
her office.
GEORGE
Give me the phone. (dials) Yea, Hi I
would like to speak to Patrice. ...
what? ... oh really? ... oh, ok, thank you, ... (hangs up)
JERRY
What? What?
GEORGE
She never came back from lunch.
JERRY
This is no good. This is no good. Call
her house.
GEORGE
(dials) Hi, are you OK? no, no,.. huh,
(hangs up) She hung up.
JERRY
Not good.
GEORGE
All right. There's nothing to be worried
about. She's just a little
annoyed right now. Tomorrow I'll personally go over there. I'll
apologize.
I'll get the papers. Don't worry. Don't worry. (exits)
JERRY
Not good
(break)
Jerry's Apartment
KRAMER
Yeah, it's a windshield.
JERRY
I can see that. What's it for?
KRAMER
I found it on the road.
JERRY
Yeah (to buzzer)
ELAINE
(from intercom) I just finished working
out are you busy?
JERRY
Come on up.
KRAMER
Can you believe somebody threw this
out? You know I'm going to make a
coffee table out of this and surprise Tina.
JERRY
wouldn't it be invisible? I mean, what,
are you going to just sense it's
in front of the couch?
KRAMER
wow
(Elaine enters - she and Kramer avoid each other's stares)
ELAINE
hell-oo
KRAMER
hell-oo
JERRY
What's with you two?
ELAINE
You haven't told him?
JERRY
Tell me what?
ELAINE
Huh, go ahead, tell him.
KRAMER
I, I saw her naked.
ELAINE
He saw me naked. Kramer, ... saw me
naked.
KRAMER
Well, you know, ... it was an accident.
ELAINE
Who walks into a woman's bedroom without
knocking. I want to know!
KRAMER
I thought it was a closet.
JERRY
Completely naked?
KRAMER
Completely naked.
ELAINE
Jerrryyy, How can I go on?
KRAMER
All right. I'll tell you what. If it's
going to make you feel any better you
can see me naked.
(Kramer begins disrobing)
ELAINE
No thanks!
KRAMER
No, I want you to see me naked.
ELAINE
No, no no.
KRAMER
No, I want to show you.
ELAINE
No! Jerry! Jerry!
JERRY
OK, just a second lets not lose our
heads here. Kramer you know you are
always welcome in my
home but as far as Mr. Johnson is concerned, that's another story.
(Kramer sits down picks up windshield)
ELAINE
Ehat is this?
KRAMER
Well, it's a windshield. It's going
to be your new coffee table.
ELAINE
Ah, I'm going to kill myself on that
thiing. You can't even see it.
JERRY
You'll sense it.
(George enters slowly)
JERRY
Well, what happened? Was she there?
GEORGE
No, no she wasn't.
JERRY
You didn't get my papers?
GEORGE
No, I didn't.
JERRY
Well, where is she?
GEORGE
A mental institution.
STAND UP ROUTINE
Why is it so difficult, uncomfortable, to be naked. It's because
when you have
clothes on you can always kinda make those little adjustments
that people like
to do ... you feel like you're getting it together, yeah, yeah
pretty good
(pulling at lapels, pockets etc.) feeling good looking good But
when you're
naked it's like it's so final you're, Well that's it. (no movements)
There's
nothing else I can do. That's why I like to wear a belt when
I'm naked. Cause I
feel it gives me something, I know I'm naked, but you know, (tugging
and
lifting belt) I like to get pockets to hang off of the belt that
would be,
wouldn't that be the ultimate? To be naked and still be able
to do this (hand
in pocket) I think that would really help a lot.
=
Jerry's Apartment
JERRY
A mental institution?
KRAMER
You know what they do in there? Did
you see CooCoo's Nest? They put those
electrodes in
your head.
GEORGE
It's not really a mental institution.
It's more like a depression
clinic. She went out to Woodhaven and checked herself in. I'm,
I'm sick over
this.
ELAINE
Who told you this:
GEORGE
Her roommate. I've driven women to lesbianism
before but never to a mental institution.
KRAMER
My friend Bob Sacamano had shock treatments.
But his synapses were so large, it had
no effect.
JERRY
You know I hate to raise a crass financial
concern but was there any
information as to the where abouts of my PAPERS!
GEORGE
She put them in her pocket book. She
probably took them out there with her.
JERRY
So what now?
GEORGE
I don't know.
JERRY
Can we go out there?
GEORGE
Where?
JERRY
Woodhaven.
GEORGE
We could.
Woodhaven
GEORGE
I'm very nervous about this. I've never
spoken to a mental patient before.
JERRY
My cousin Douglas was in a place like
this one time . He came over to
my house for dinner. There was no soda and he went bezerk. He
was screamin'
"where's the Pepsi, where's the Pepsi?"
GEORGE
I should be in a place like this I envy
this woman. Ya' get to wear
slippers all day. Friends visit. They pity you. Pity is very
underrated. I
like it it's good. Plus they give you those word association
tests. I love those.
JERRY
That'd be great. There's no wrong answer.
GEORGE
Potato
JERRY
Tuberculosis
GEORGE
Blanket
JERRY
Leroy
GEORGE
Grass
JERRY
Tuberculosis
GEORGE
Oh, boy. Here she comes.
Elaine's Apartment
(African music is playing as Elaine enters, dirty pots and dishes
are piled high in the kitchen)
ELAINE
Oh, my god.
(Kramer enters dancing with only a towel on.)
ELAINE
KRAMER!
KRAMER
Hey.
ELAINE
WILL YOU PLEASE PUT SOMETHING ON.
KRAMER
Uh, you want some leftovers? I made
some African food. There's, yambalas
and uh, sambusa.
TINA
Kramer, are you coming back to bed?
KRAMER
Yeah, yeah, I'll be right there baby.
TINA
Oh, hi Elaine. (returns Elaine's ear
rings) What did you think of the coffee
table?
ELAINE
It's invisible.
KRAMER
So, is everything cool? or what?
TINA
Yeah, you seem little bit dysfunctional.
ELAINE
Well,
TINA
Come on Elaine. just tell us the truth.
ELAINE
The Truth!, You want The Truth?
Woodhaven
PATRICE
Who are you?
GEORGE
Oh, this is my friend Jerry.
PATRICE
Why are you talking like that? And what
do YOU want?
JERRY
Want, want? What could I possibly want?
Uh, I just came because I, I heard so
many nice things
about you from George.
PATRICE
George thinks I'm pretentious.
GEORGE
Pretentious? Who isn't pretentious?
Ha, ha, if everyone who was
pretentious was in a mental institution, ... uh, obviously THIS
isn't a mental
institution.
PATRICE
You're just trying to take it all back
because you're feeling guilty I'm in
here.
GEORGE
No, that's not it at all.
PATRICE
Don't LIE George.
GEORGE
I'M NOT A LIER!
GEORGE
Uh, we're cool. Everything's cool (to
security attendent)
JERRY
Just chatting. Friendly.
GEORGE
All righty, no reason for us to uh,
raise our voices.
PATRICE
I know what you said. You can't change
that.
GEORGE
What I said? I saw stupid things all
the time I can't go two minutes without
saying stupid things.
JERRY
It's one stupid thing after another.
So let me ask you, when you come to
one of these places,
what do you bring your pocketbook?
GEORGE
You should be the one criticizing me.
I, I'm lucky to even know someone like
you.
PATRICE
You mean that?
GEORGE
Of course I mean that. I am incapable
of guile.
JERRY
He's never guiled. You know some women
keep a lot of important papers in their,
uh, pocket book.
Like for example oh, someone else's personal financial papers.
PATRICE
Papers? Oh, Jerry, You're the Jerome
with the tax problem. You know after
that day with George I
got so cuckoo I threw out all your papers. So I'd love to help
you but I'll need the copies.
JERRY
there are no copies.
PATRICE
So are you saying you want to continue
seeing me?
JERRY
Who makes copies?
Elaine's Apartment
ELAINE
The truth is ... I think you make ...
a very nice couple.
(Elaine exits)
KRAMER
Oh,
TINA
Kramer,
(dancing in the dark to the music)
TINA
Here Kramer?
KRAMER
No, lets go to the couch...
(sound of smashing glass)
Jerry's Apartment
(
JERRY
(on phone)Yes, I'm trying to get a copy
of a receipt for a computer thatI bought
there....
it was 1987 ... I remember I talked to a guy - he had like a
maroon sport jacket - and he might
have had a toupee - oh, it was a weave - ok uh, then I'll come
bye ok, bye.
JERRY
Anybody want to take a walk down to
48th street? I think I may have tracked
down another receipt.
ELAINE
I can't. I have to go visit Tina in
the hospital.
JERRY
George?
GEORGE
I'm going to a poetry reading with PATRICE:
First time poets, in a burnt out building,
down by the docks,
Supposed to be good.
(Kramer enter - all bandaged up.
KRAMER
Hey, Are you going to the hospital now?
ELAINE
Yeah, I suppose I am.
KRAMER
All right, great, great uh, we'll share
a cab.
JERRY
You're going by 48th St. You can give
me a ride.
GEORGE
Hey, I'm getting in on that.
ELAINE
You know you're chippin' in.
GEORGE
You're going that way anyway!
(Comedy club)
I was audited last year. At first I thought well, IRS kinda sounds
like Toys R Us maybe won't be so bad. Maybe they have a sense of fun
about it, you know.
But it's it's bad. It's an ordeal. And they don't do anything
to keep your spirits up through the ordeal. I think they should take
all your receipts and put them in one of those big Lucite sweepstake
and just kinda crank it around there.
You know give me a feeling like you might win something.
You know what I
mean? Then they can pull them out one by one and go "Oh, I'm
sorry that's
another illegal deduction. But we do have some lovely parting
gifts for you. Jail!"
THE END
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