THE VAN BUREN BOYS
So, they have this clock now, where
you punch in your age, and all your
risk factors. It actually counts down
how much time you have left to live.
So what's the great moment? You're on
your death bed, they're pounding on
your chest - and you're going 10, 9,
8,.. I told you this thing was good!
(Laughs) I can't believe this is our
I know.. How about dessert?
I suppose I have to get a piece of cake..
Today's my birthday.
What? Today? Really?
(Waiters come out with a cake, singing "Happy Birthday" to a
woman named "Lisa" at another table. Jerry ponders why Ellen
isn't celebrating with her friends)
So, she went out with you on a first
date.. and it was her birthday?
Yeah. And she picked the day!
Is she socially awkward?
No, she's great! She's.. attractive,
Well, maybe she decided to celebrate
her birthday on the Monday after the
She's not Lincoln.
Hey! Anybody up for Lorenzo's pizza?
Oh, yeah? Huh. (Turns to George) Hey,
George! Pizza? Yum, yum!
Eh, I can't. I gotta go down to the
foundation. I'm interviewing high schoolers
for the Susan Ross.. scholarship.
Does it ever bother you that this organization-
is beating the bushes-
Nope! (Starts heading for the door)
to basically give this money away-
to virtually anyone, as long as they're
(Standing in the doorway) I'm fine with
it! Fi-hi-hi-hine I say! (Leaves)
Susan Ross Foundation conference room)
And then I received a 740 on the English
achievement test. (George looks bored)
Quick, what's your favorite animal?
I.. I don't know.. frog?
(Disappointed) A frog?
Well, I.. I..
(Annoyed) Frog is wrong.
(Cut to another student's interview)
(Reading) I see here that you play the
harp.. tell me, why do you have to tilt
it? Can't you just build it on an angle?
It'd save you a lot of trouble.
Well, the modern-day harp has been refined
over thousands of years-
(Annoyed) Yeah, yeah. We'll, uh, let
(Cut to another student interview)
(Reading) I see your G.P.A's a 4.0.
(Smiling gloatingly) You like that,
(Cut to another student interview)
so, uh, Steven.. I see you're president
of the chess club.
Who's your favorite chess player?
(Hesitating, he mumbles) Nastercoff?
Right. (Mumbles) Nastercoff.. What country
is he from, again?
(Sighs) I don't know.. I made it up.
(Gets up to leave) I'm never gonna get
(Gets up, stopping him) Woah, woah,
woah! What are you telling me for? You
really had me going, there! C'mon, sit
down. (They both sit back down)
What do you want to do when you grow up?
I've been telling people that I'd like
to be an architect..
(George is suddenly interested)
So, get this: Mister Peterman is finally
letting me do some real writing. He's
got this book deal, for his autobiography.
He's gonna let me ghost write it.
Wow. That's great! When it comes out,
I'll have to get someone to ghost read
(Elaine mockingly laughs at Jerry's joke. Kramer enters)
Alright, so there I am at Lorenzo's
- loading up my slice of the fixin's
bar.. garlic, (imitates the shaking
of garlic onto a pizza) and what-not..
mmm.. and I see this guy over at the pizza boxes giving me the
stink-eye. (Imitates the 'stink-eye') So I give hime the crook-eye
back, (Imitates the 'crook-eye') you
know.. Then, I notice that he's not alone! I'm taking on the
entire Van Buren Boys!
The Van Buren Boys? There's a street
gang named after President Martin Van
Oh yeah, and they're just as mean as
he was! So, I make a move to the door,
you know, (makes a noise) they block
it! So, I lunged for the bathroom.
(demonstrates) I grab the knob - Occupado! Then they back me
up agains the cartoon map of Italy, and all of the sudden, they
What? What happened?
Because I'm still holding the garlic
shaker.. Yeah.. like this (grabs Jerry's
peper shaker, and demonstrates) I'm
only showing eight fingers.
Well, what does that mean?
That's their secret sign! See, Van Buren,
he was teh eighth President.. (Holds
up 8 fingers) They thought I was a former
Van B. Boy!
Outside a coffee shop)
(Sees a pay phone) Oh, Jerry, can you
hold on a sec? I just want to check
my messages.. (She meets up with two
of her friends on the way to the phone)
Oh, Melissa! Kim!
Hey! You guys, I want you to meet Jerry.
(Gestures tward Jerry, then goes back
to the phone)
Ohh, we've heard a lot about you! (Confidentially)
It is so sweet of you to take her out.
Yeah, you don't even know how much she
(Sympathetically) She coming of a bad
(They walk off. Ellen hangs up, then walks over to Jerry)
Yeah, no one called.
They act like it was some act of charity.
Just going out with her.
So, she's the loser of the group. Every
group has someone that they all make
fun of.. Like us with Elaine. (Jerry
thinks about this, then shakes it off)
There is no way Ellen is the loser of
Are you looking deep down at the real
No, I'm being as superficial as I possibly
(Changing subject) Hey, I htink I may
have found someone for the scholarship.
I'm interviewing all these annoying
little overachievers.. finally, this
kid walks in - Steven Koren - a regular
guy.. likes sports.. watches T.V..
Is he smart?
(Defensively) He knows how to read.
And he also knows finishing an entire
book doesn't prove anything. And get
this: he's into architecture.
Hey! Just like you pretend to be.
Yes. With a little guidance, Steven
Koren is going to be everything I claim
to be, only for real. That's my dream,
I had a dream last night that a hamburger
was eating me!
J. Peterman's apartment)
Mister Peterman, thanks for having me
over. Your place isn't quite what I
imagined.. (It's plain, with no sign
of Peterman's personality)
Ohhh.. It's just a place to flop. (Sits
in his recliner)
Well, (Clears throat) what part of your
life (hits the record button on a mini-recorder,
and sets it down on the table) do you
want to start with? Foreign
intrigue? Exotic romances?
Oh, Elaine, we've covered all of that
in the catalogue ad nauseum. No, I would
like this book to be about my day-to-day
(Turns on the T.V, and starts flipping
through the channels) Oh damn. They
changed the cable stations again.. just
when I finally memorized them.
Well, Mister Peterman, do you want to,
(Still flipping through the channels)
get, um, started..
3.. I don't know what that is.. where's
my damn preview channel?
(After observing Peterman's home life)
Well, I - I got ta tell you, Mister
Peterman.. I don't think I see a whole
well, I'm sure we'll come up with something.
What do you say you and I order ourselves
a pie? Do you like Lorenzo's?
You know, a friend of mine almost got
beat up at that place by the Van Buren
(Interested) You don't say.
Yeah. The only think that saved him
is that he accidentally flashed their
secret gang sign.
Well, that's pretty exciting. (Pause)
Let's put that in the book.
But, that didn't happen to you.
So, we pay off your friend, and it becomes
No, I - I really don't think you can
(Looking at his dying plant) Ohh, damn.
I forgot to buy plant food again.. I'll
bet I got a coupon for it. (Starts looking
through a small coupon box)
You know what? Maybe I better talk to
(Jerry's on a date with Ellen, he's desperately trying to find
out what is wrong with her)
Is that the same outfit you were wearing
No, this is brand new. Do you like it?
Actually, yeah. (Pause) Wait a second!
Is that the fork that fell on the floor?!
(Dramatically) Are you using the fork
that fell on the floor?!
(Laughs) No, Jerry, the waitress game
be another one.
I guess that's all right.
Is something wrong, Jerry?
No, absolutely nothing. (They get up
to leave) You're fantastic! (They meet
up with Kramer and George on the way
out) Hey guys!
(Gesturing to Ellen) Kramer, George,
this is Ellen.
(Kramer gives a look)
Susan Ross Foundation conference room)
Ladies and gentlemen, this (Opens the
door, Steven is standing there) is Steven
Koren. His G.P.A. is a solid 2.0! Right
in that meaty part of the curve -
not showing off, not falling behind.
George, the quailifications for this
scholarship were suppose to be.. largely
I'm sure we're all aware of the flaws
and biases of standardized tests..
These aren't standardized tests - these
are his grades.
Besides, Steven Koren has the highest
of aspirations. He wants to be (pauses
for effect) an architect.
Is that right?
Actually, maybe I could set my sights
a little bit higher.
(Laughs) Steven, nothing is higher than
I think I'd really like to be a city
planner. (Sits down, addressing the
entire foundation board) Why limit myself
to just one building, when I can design
Well, that's a good point.
(Mutters) No, it's not.
Well, isn't an architect just an art
school drop-out with a tilty desk, and
a big ruler? (Laughs - so do the board
(Irritated) It's called a T-square.
You know, the stupidest guy in my fraternity
became an architect - after he flunked
out of dental school! (Everyone but
George laughs) Contratulations,
young man. (Shakes Steven's hand)
Susan would be proud of what you're
(Kramer is selling his Van Buren Boys story to Peterman)
And they made it their sign, because,
Van Buren, our 8th President, was the
man they most admired.
(Laughs) Kramer, my friend, that is
one ripping good yarn.. (Hands Kramer
You know, if you like that one, I got
more.. what are you looking for? Romance?
Comedy? Adventue? .. Erotica? (Clicks
No, uh, Kramer. I don't think -
(Interrupting) How much would you take
for the whole lot?
My whole lot?
Name your price, man!
(Thinks) 1500 dollars.
I'll give you half that.
Kramer, my friend, (Gestures to Elaine)
consider Elaine at your disposal.
Okay.. (To Elaine) Well, I, Uh.. I like
to work in the evenings.. (Elaine slumps
back, and covers her head in misfortune)
(Elaine is growing weary of Kramer's childish antics. Kramer's
practicing putting golf balls on her office floor)
Would you please just get on with the
stupid Bob Saccamano story?!
Well, I'm on the phone with Bob, and
I realize right then and there that
I need to return this pair of pants.
So, I'm off to the store.
What happened to Bob Saccamano?
Well, nothing. His part of the story
is done. (Elaine covers her face with
her hands - showing her difficulty coping
with Kramer) So I'm waiting for the
subway, It's not coming, so I decided to hoof it through the
Alright, well, now that's something..
Well, I don't know if I lost track of
time - or what, but the next think I
(Adding) A train is bearing down on
No, I slipped - and fell in the mud.
Ruining the very pants I was about to
(Reflects on the story) I don't understand..
you were wearing the pants you were
Well, I guess I was..
(Still confused) What were you gonna
wear on the way back?
Elaine, are you listening?! I didn't
even get there! (Pauses) All right,
Alright, I think I got enough for one
Yeah, yeah, chew on that.
(Mocking) Yeah, I'll chew on that.
Oh, hey, listen, by the way - I'm hosting
a little get-together tonight in honor
of my little financial upturn..
Oh, thanks. I've got plans.
Elaine, you should be there to document
(Putting on her coat) Oh, you're getting
together with some of your jackass friends,
and you want me to take notes?
Yeah, but get there after nine. You
know, give the poeple a chance to loosen
(Kramer turns to go, but slips on a golf ball. He falls to the
ground. Elaine looks at him as if to say 'What a doofus.')
So you're denying him the scholarship
just because he wants to be a city planner?
I was betrayed! That kid was like a
son to me. And if there's one person
you should be able to hold down, it's
your own flesh and blood. Like my
father.. my father's father before him.
You know, maybe philanthropy is not
your field. (Phone rings, he answers
it) Hello. Oh, Hi, Ellen. Yeah, I called
the hotel.. we're all set for the weekend.
You're spending the weekend with Ellen?
(To George, in a 'cha-ching!' motion)
Vermont! (To Ellen) With any luck, they
said we could stay an extra couple of
days if we want to! (George is
disturbed. He gets up, goes go Kramer's door, and knocks. They
talk) Four days at a beautiful bed-and-breakfast! I can't wait..
buy-bye. (Hangs up. George and
Kramer come into Jerry's apartment, confronting him) What? (George
takes the phone off the hook) What is this?
(To Kramer) You want to start?
(To George) Uh, No, no, no.. you go
ahead. I gotta get my thoughts together.
Jerry, this whole Ellen situation..
has gone far enough.
(Adding) Jerry, she's a loser. (George
points to Kramer - gesturing that he's
right on target)
Where is this coming from? She's great!
(Concerned) Why're you doing this, Jerry?
Is it your career? Things will pick
There's nothing wrong with my career!
(Like a parent) Well, I still like the
Bloomingdale's executive training program
I though we said we weren't going to
discuss that now!
Well, you know, I think it's something
he should consider.
Of course he should consider it, but
now is not the time!
Listen, George, all these issues are
(Fed up) Alright! Excuse me! (Gets up)
I'm not buying any of this!
All right, so what're you saying? That
we're wrong? Oh, everybody's wrong but
You know, this is liek that Twilight
Zone where the guy wakes up, and he's
the same - but everyone else is different!
They were all like that!
(George comes out of a store, he meets up with Steven Koren)
Why'd you take away my scholarship,
Well, Steven, I, uh.. (All the sudden,
a small gang steps out of nowhere, surrounding
These are my new friends - The Van Buren
He became so disillusioned, he had to
I want my scholarship back, so I can
be a city planner.
What about architect, Steven?
(Moves threateningly close to George)
(Kramer is having his party, Elaine is painfully sitting through
Great party, K-man!
Yeah, well, you got that straight! (Turns
to Elaine) Hey, Elaine, try the beef
- because that's realy au jus sauce,
huh. (Dramatically) Real au jus sauce!
(Sourly) I'll make a note of it.
Ramirez has never heard your pants story.
Ohh kay! Well, you know, I had Bob Saccamano
on the phone, and I suddenly realized
that I- (Elaine stops him)
You can't tell that story now. It belongs
What do ya mean?
You signed the release.
He sat in mud. Not you.
But I did sit in mud.
(Stern) Ya didn't! You never sat in
(Pleading) I was all dirty!
It ever happened! Understand?
(Kramer's friends get restless, and beg for the rest of the story)
(To crowd) Hey, hey, hey! All right!
Yeah, uh, yeah.. well.. Uh, the pants.
they, uh, they fit, uh, well - and so
I, uh, decided I wasn't gonna return
(The crowd is disappointed)
It's getting late. Maybe we better get
going. (They all get up to leave)
What? You're gonna go now? Hey, woah!
I don't.. (watches his friends leave)
(Frantic) Kramer, Kramer! I got big
trouble with the - with the Van Buren
Hey, now, they're tough cookies.
Yeah, and I - I heard you got on their
good side. Now, what'd you do?
Uh.. ah, (Looks over at Elaine, and
realizes he can't tell the Van Buren
Boys story) Oh, nothing - nothing..
No, I certainly don't have any stories,
what you're implying. (Laughs heartily)
(Frantic) Kramer, do you know what those
guys are gonna do to me?!
Yeah, well, uh.. you know uh, you didn't
hear from me, but, uh, the Van Buren
Boys - they never hassle their own kind.
You mean, like, a former member?
(Kramer nods his head while drinking from a mug of beer)
These Kramer stories are unusable! (Thumbs
through them) I mean, some of them aren't
even stories! (Holds one out) Look,
this is a list of things in his
Is my toaster oven on there?
How am I ever gonna turn this into a
Well, just shape them - change them.
You're a writer.
Yes! I'm a writer.
Make them interesting.
Interesting! Of course! People love
(Jerry reacts oddly, as if to say 'That's enough of that!')
Well, I gotta go to the airport. I'm
picking up my parents.
What? Wheren't they just here?
Yeah. I'm flying them in to meet Ellen.
I don't know where to turn! I gotta
see what they think of her.
Maybe we could all have dinner later?
I don't think so. I'm gonna try to get
them to fly right back tonight.
Oh, hey! Hey, have I told you about
my bunions? Oh, you're gonna love this
story! (Rubs his hands together) So,
I line up my cold cuts on the couch
next to me, but as I'm stacking them up, they keep falling into
my foot bath! (Jerry and Elaine look disgusted)
Kramer, this is awful! We don't want
to hear about this!
Oh, I bought a bunch of bunion stories
from Newman - but they all stink!
How much did you pay for them?
Eight bucks! I think I got ripped off!
(Leaves, yelling out "Newman!")
Oh, what didn't you like about the first
Well, it started out nicely: "I'm returning
some pants." A very identifiable problem..
(turns page) "I set of down a train
tunnel.".. (turns page) But that's
where the story takes a most unappealing turn.
Oh, no, no! That's where it gets interesting!
Don't you see? The - the train is bearing
down on you, you - you dive into a side
tunnel - and you run into a
whole band of underground tunnel dwellers!
It just seems so cliched, and obvious.
It's not interesting writing.
Yeah.. yeah. I know. Um.. how about
if, instead of.. diving from the train,
you.. uh, you, I don't know, you slip
and, and fall in some mud, and.. ruin
(Intrigued) The very pants I was returning.
That's perfect irony! Elaine, that is
interesting writing! (The intercom beeps)
I have a Cosmo Kramer on line 4.
(Picks up the phone) Peterman, here.
Mister Peterson, you gotta sell me my
You want to know something? I no longer
No, no. Mister Peterman, why don't we
keep them - as a, as a reference?
Nonsense! (To Kramer) I have Benes'
woderfully imaginative mind to spin
my stories. You take back your tales,
(Hangs up) There you are, Elaine. Go
forth, and create. (Elaine gets up to
leave) And, by the way, when you get
to that chapter about my romantic
escapades - feel free to toss yourself in the mix.
(George meets up with the Van Buren Boys again)
Hey, Van B. Boys.
So, Mister Costanza, did you get my
Now, fellas, fellas.. easy. You wouldn't
want to beat up on one of your own.
Is that right? Then why don't you flash
us the sign?
Right.. the sign. (Hesitates, then makes
a series of stupid gestures)
That's not the sign.
(Defensively loud) It was when I was
All right, if you really are one of
us.. let's see you take the wallet off
the next guy who walks by.
Love to! (Cracks his knuckles, then
winces under the pain)
And after college, I got my masters
at the Sorbonne.
Sorbonne? Oh, hey. (To Helen) That's
(Looks at her watch) Oh, Jerry, you're
parking meter's about to expire. Don't
get up, I've got change. (Leaves with
(To his parents) So? What do you think?
Jerry, she's fantastic.
I knew it! I'm not crazy.
She's so sweet, and she's got some body
And smart! Like a computer!
And so much personality! But, it doesn't
matter what we think. Do you like her?
(After seeing how much his parents like
her) Now, I'm not so sure.
Well, she's 10 times better than that
awful Amber girl that you were with.
yeah, Amber.. I wonder if she's back
The next one, or you're meat!
Alright, alright! (Goes out onto the
sidewalk. The Seinfelds walk by) Seinfelds!
Shhh! Listen, you gotta do me a favor.
Give me your wallet. I'll give it back
to you later.
How're your folks?
Eh, they're trying to pick out a new
couch - you don't want to know. (Remembering
the watching Van Buren Boys) Give me
your wallet, or I'll spill your
guts right here on the street!
What did you say?
Come on, hurry up, old man! I'm an animal!
You're being very rude. Come on, Morty.
(Pleading) Please, please, they're gonna
hit me! (Attempts to grab Helen's purse,
she starts hitting George defensively,
he backs off)
Tell your parents we said 'Hi!' (They
(The Van Buren Boys come out of the alley, George holds up his
hand in a "stop" gesture - then takes off running down the street,
screaming. The Van Buren Boys chase him)