THE WALLET
Written by
Larry David
(Comedy club)
Don't you hate "to be continued" on TV. It's horrible when you
sense the "to be continued" coming. You know, you're watching
the show. You're into the story. There's like five minutes left
and suddenly you realize, "Hey, they can't make it." Timmy's
still stuck in the cave. There's no way they wrap this up in
five minutes. I mean the whole reason you watch a TV show is
because it ends. If I want a long boring story with no point
to it, I have my life. A comedian can't do that, see. I can't
go, "A man walks into a bar with a pig under his arm - Can you
come back next week?"
(In Jerry's Car)
JERRY
George and I went up to NBC and we told
them our idea for a series now we're
just waiting to sign the contract.
HELEN
And they liked your idea?
JERRY
Yeah.
MORTY
What'ya got leather seats here?
HELEN
Since when is George a writer?
JERRY
What writer? It's a sitcom.
HELEN
That's exciting. When are you going
to sign the contract?
JERRY
Soon, there's a couple of problems.
MORTY
Jerry, I wanna tell you that meal was
the worst.
JERRY
What do you expect? It's airline food.
MORTY
. . . give you fish.
JERRY
How could you eat fish on a plane?
MORTY
because she puts up such a big stink
every time I have a piece of meat.
HELEN
What kind of problems?
JERRY
Well, George doesn't think $13,000 is
enough money.
HELEN
What? He's not even working.
MORTY
George is right. Those people will try
to get away with murder. Believe me.
They're all crooks.
HELEN
Jerry, I want you to sign that contract.
JERRY
We're going to sign it. We're going
to sign it. In fact George is out with
the woman from NBC right now.
(George's car)
GEORGE
So, I'm uh, I'm afraid we're going to
have to pass.
SUSAN
You're passing?
GEORGE
Well, it's . . . much too low.
SUSAN
Are you and Jerry in complete agreement
on this?
GEORGE
Ah, yeah, . . . I believe I can speak
for the both of us on this.
SUSAN
Because you know, because this is your
first show this is a pretty standard
deal.
GEORGE
Standard?
SUSAN
Yeah.
GEORGE
Is Ted Danson's deal standard?
SUSAN
Ted Danson?
GEORGE
You know, the guy from Cheers.
SUSAN
Yeah, I know who he is. (laughs) You're
not Ted Danson.
GEORGE
I didn't say I was Ted Danson.
SUSAN
All right, I'll tell Russell tomorrow.
GEORGE
-
SUSAN
Oh, uh, before I forget, . . . cigars.
A present from my father.
GEORGE
Oh, uh, do I have to write him a note
or something?
SUSAN
Yeah, I am sure he'd appreciated that.
GEORGE
But what do I say in the note?
SUSAN
Ah, you're a writer. You'll think of
something.
GEORGE
Oh, uh, yeah, I'm a writer, (laughs)
(Jerry's car at gas station)
HELEN
Were you waiting long at the gate?
JERRY
I don't even know?
HELEN
Where's that watch we bought you?
JERRY
Oh uh
(Flashback to street)
JERRY
That's enough with this piece of junk
I've had it. (throws watch in garbage)
GEORGE
That's the one your parents bought you?
JERRY
Yeah, but it never worked.
(Back to present day in car at gas station)
JERRY
. . . it's being fixed.
MORTY
I got a guarantee on that watch. Give
it to me, I'll take it back to where
I got it.
JERRY
It's at the jeweler.
MORTY
You send me the bill.
JERRY
I'm not sending you the bill.
HELEN
That watch was a gift. You shouldn't
have to pay for it.
GSUSAN
That's uh, $18.50.
MORTY
Here, I got it.
JERRY
What are you talking about? It's my
car. You can pay for the gas.
MORTY
No, no put it away . . .
JERRY
Dad!
MORTY
Stop it.
JERRY
I have money. I make money.
MORTY
Yeah, yeah, you make money.
JERRY
You don't think I make money. That's
what you think isn't it?
HELEN
No, I don't think that.
JERRY
Yes you do. That's what you both think.
MORTY
I'll pay.
JERRY
I'm paying.
MORTY
Get out of here.
JERRY
You're not paying
MORTY
Jerry please,
JERRY
You're not doing this.
(both fighting to pay)
(Jerry's apartment)
JERRY
Boy, you got a lot of stuff here. .
. . Dad, what are you doing?
MORTY
Nothing nothing.
JERRY
Leave it. What about your back?
HELEN
Morty, what are you doing?
MORTY
All right, all right.
JERRY
You come all the way up here to see
a back specialist and you're lifting
heavy suit cases.
(Kramer enters)
KRAMER
Hey, Morty.
MORTY
Hey, Mr. Kramer.
KRAMER
Hey, Mrs. Seinfeld.
HELEN
What happened to you?
KRAMER
Well some guy kicked me in the side
of the head.
HELEN
What guy?
KRAMER
Crazy Joe Devola.
HELEN
Why?
KRAMER
Well, I was having this party and I
didn't invite him and Jerry tipped him
off.
JERRY
Why did you tell this crazy guy that
Kramer didn't invite him to his party?
JERRY
I didn't know he wasn't invited
MORTY
Hey, these are very comfortable pants.
You know what I paid for these Jerry?
HELEN
So why did you say anything?
JERRY
It was a mistake.
MORTY
They're good around the house and they're
good for outside.
HELEN
Are you okay?
KRAMER
Oh, yeah, yeah. I was a little off last
week - but the doctor says it was just
a slight concussion
HELEN
So what's the matter with this Devola
guy?
JERRY
He's got like a chemical imbalance.
He needs to be on medication.
KRAMER
Oh, yeah. He's after Jerry now.
JERRY
Kramer!!
HELEN
He's what?!
JERRY
He's joking.
HELEN
He's after you?
JERRY
Nooo.
HELEN
Why is he after you?
JERRY
He's not after me.
HELEN
Morty, did you here this? Some crazy
guy is after Jerry.
HELEN
I'll make a few phone calls.
JERRY
Who are you going to call?
MORTY
What are you worried about?
HELEN
I want to know what you did to this
guy that he's after you.
JERRY
I didn't do anything.
HELEN
Well you must have done something.
JERRY
No, he just doesn't like me.
HELEN
Doesn't like you? How can anyone not
like you?
JERRY
You know, it seems impossible.
HELEN
Doesn't like you? How can that be?
JERRY
Ma, I know this may be hard for you
to understand but I am sure there are
many people who do not like me.
HELEN
Huh, Jerry, don't say that.
JERRY
It's true.
HELEN
No, it's not true. You're a wonderful,
wonderful boy. Everybody likes you.
It's impossible not to like you. Impossible.
Morty?
MORTY
Maybe some people don't like him. I
could see that.
HELEN
Kramer?
KRAMER
Yeah, I like him. Hey Jerry, what time
you got?
JERRY
Um, huh, I don't have my watch on. It's
being fixed.
KRAMER
When you getting it back?
JERRY
Uh, next week.
KRAMER
Next week? How come it's taking so long?
JERRY
Huh?
KRAMER
I said how come it's taking so long?
JERRY
I don't know. They're backed up.
KRAMER
wait a minute, wait a minute, where
did you take it?
JERRY
Where'd I take it?
KRAMER
Yeah.
JERRY
Where did I take it? Where Did I Take
It? (stabbing with knife) Um, to that
place on, uh Columbus and uh, 85th.
Okay?
KRAMER
Jimmy Sherman's?
JERRY
Yeah.
KRAMER
Yeah, I know the guy. I take my stuff
in there all the time. Yeah, I bet I
can get your watch back by tomorrow
morning.
JERRY
No, Kramer, I don't want you to say
anything to him
KRAMER
I'd be happy to.
JERRY
He's a friend of mine.
JERRY
I'd like to follow the regular procedures.
I don't want any special treatment.
KRAMER
Hey, I'm going to get that watch back
for you by tomorrow, buddy.
MORTY
Give me the receipt.
KRAMER
I'll get that too. (exits)
JERRY
Be right back. (follows Kramer out)
(In the hallway)
JERRY
. . . I threw it in the garbage can
on the street. It didn't keep good time.
My parents gave it to me so don't mention
it again, okay!
KRAMER
All right.
JERRY
All right.
KRAMER
Wait, wait , . . .
(Jerry reenters his own apartment)
HELEN
What was that about?
KRAMER
Oh, oh, uh, he's got my Calamine lotion
and uh, I told him not to return it.
If he needs it he should keep it. He's
got uh, he's got a thing on his ankle.
HELEN
How can anyone not like him.
(Back doctor's office)
MORTY
Hi, Morty Seinfeld. I have a two o'clock
appointment.
RECEPTIONIST
Yes, Mr. Seinfeld. Would you please
fill in this form(?).
MORTY
All this? This whole thing? It's going
to take me forty-five minutes.
RECEPTIONIST
I know. It's very long.
MORTY
Look at this. It's a book. Employer's
address. What do they need this? You
know I never had a back problem until
that night I slept on the convertible
sofa. My back was fine.
HELEN
Well, it's not the sofa.
MORTY
You stick up for that sofa like I'm
criticizing a person.
HELEN
We got it at Sullivan's. It's a good
store.
MORTY
One day somebody's going to sleep on
that thing and we'll get sued. I hope
this doctor knows what he's doing.
HELEN
Leo says he's the best there is.
MORTY
Leo, I'm listening to Leo now!
HELEN
You're lucky he was able to get you
this appointment. You know what the
waiting list is for this guy?
MORTY
Well, if he fixes my back I'll be happy.
. . . (back to the form) Have you ever
had a sexually transmitted disease?
That's IT! . . . Here, you got my name,
you got my address. That's enough.
RECEPTIONIST
Julie, you want to take him back?
(Jerry's Apartment)
JERRY
You what? You passed? How could you
do that?
GEORGE
Jerry, my young friend, you are so naïve.
You are so so naïve. You know about
a few things. You know about comedy,
a little bit about relationships, some
baseball, but you are so far out of
your element here, you are embarrassing
yourself. Now listen to me. I am negotiating.
Negotiation, this is what you do in
business.
JERRY
Let me explain to you what you just
did. There are literally hundreds of
people trying to get pilot deals with
them this year. They go with maybe,
five. Okay, if we pass, they go to the
next show.
GEORGE
Ooooo, I'm scared. . . . Ooooo they're
not going to do the show.
JERRY
We're lucky they are even interested
in the idea in the first place. We got
a show about nothing. With no story.
What do you think, they're up there
going, maybe we should give those two
guys, who have no experience and no
idea, more money!
GEORGE
Oooo what are we going to do? I'm shaking!
I'm shaking!
JERRY
Well, I think you're wrong.
GEORGE
Well, we'll just see.
JERRY
Yes we will.
GEORGE
Yes we will.
JERRY
I just said that.
GEORGE
I know you did.
JERRY
So good for you.
GEORGE
So good for you.
JERRY
We'll you're repeating everything I'm
saying?
GEORGE
We'll you're repeating everything I'm
saying?
JERRY
Well George is an idiot.
GEORGE
Well George,,. . . .
(Doctor's examination room)
MORTY
All right, all right, Let's go already.
They keep you in here a year. They don't
give a damn. I could die in here. .
. . Excuse me! Excuse me! What's going
on? I'm here twenty minutes. Could somebody
please help me.
HELEN
(enters) Shhh. Quiet! Everyone can hear
you.
MORTY
Twenty minutes. I've been waiting twenty
minutes.
HELEN
Well the doctor must be busy.
MORTY
Well what do they make appointments
for if they can't keep them. uh, look
if I did that in my business I wouldn't
have made a nickel .
NURSE
Hello, Mr. Seinfeld.
MORTY
I thought you forgot about me.
NURSE
We didn't forget.
(pulls apart the Velcro blood pressure band)
MORTY
Ah! It's Velcro. I can't stand Velcro.
It's that t-e-a-r-I-n-g sound. I used
to be in raincoats. I refused to put
that in any of my lines.
NURSE
Okay, Mr. Seinfeld, please come this
way. We need some X-rays.
MORTY
Leave all my stuff here?
NURSE
Leave it.
(They exit)
(Jerry's Apartment)
GEORGE
Okay, by the way. Do you want a box
of Cuban cigars? I smoked one last night.
I got nauseous.
JERRY
No I don't want them.
(Kramer enters)
KRAMER
I'll take it. No, I'll take it. What
is it?
GEORGE
Here you go.
KRAMER
A box of cigars?
GEORGE
Yep,
KRAMER
Oh, yeah?
GEORGE
The kind that Castro smokes. You can't
buy them anywhere.
KRAMER
Castro eh? Pasto costillo homiga (nonsense
Spanish)
(Buzzer)
JERRY
Yes?
VOICE
Federal Express.
JERRY
Federal Express? Come on up. . . . Federal
Express. I'm not expecting a package.
KRAMER
Wooo, you know what you just did? You
let a burglar into the building.
JERRY
You think so?
KRAMER
Federal Express? Of course. It's the
oldest trick in the book. You know it
might not be a burglar it might be a
murderer.
JERRY
So you want us to abolish all home package
deliveries.
KRAMER
Yes. It's dangerous.
(Knock on the door - Kramer prepares for a fight)
JERRY
Who is it?
VOICE
Federal Express.
KRAMER
Okay, . . .
(Elaine enters)
ALL
Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!
ELAINE
Kramer, Hi, I thought you went to California.
KRAMER
I came back for you.
ELAINE
Oh, shut up (pushes Kramer)
JERRY
I missed you.
ELAINE
Really?
JERRY
Yeah, . . .
(lots of missing you talk)
KRAMER
I'm going to be right back. I'm going
to get a match.
ELAINE
Who's suitcase is this?
JERRY
Oh, it's my parents. My father came
up to see a back specialist.
ELAINE
Oh, golly, it's probably from sleeping
on that sofa.
GEORGE
Boy, you look really great.
JERRY
Yeah.
ELAINE
You lie.
GEORGE
No, no you really look great.
ELAINE
Hu hu, ha.
JERRY
So tell us about the trip. How's Dr.
Reston?
ELAINE
Oh, he's fine.
JERRY
Things are good?
ELAINE
Yeah, you know (scratches cheek)
JERRY
Uh oh.
ELAINE
What, Uh ih?
JERRY
Did you see that?
GEORGE
Yeah, I saw it.
ELAINE
What?
JERRY
It's a tell. You gotta tell.
ELAINE
What tell? What's a tell?
JERRY
When you ask someone about their relationship
and they touch their face you know it's
not going too well. Go ahead ask me
how it's going with somebody.
ELAINE
Um, uh, who's it going with, uh, Alice?
JERRY
Good, going good (scratches chin) And
the higher up on the face you go the
worse the relationship is getting. You
know it is like - pretty good - not
bad - I gotta get out.
ELAINE
How high did I go?
GEORGE
You almost did the nose.
JERRY
What are you eating my peanut butter
out of the jar with your disgusting
index fingers? This is a sickening display.
GEORGE
I'm not eating bread now. I'm off bread.
JERRY
You're off bread. . . . So what happened
is it over?
ELAINE
Well not quite.
JERRY
Why not?
ELAINE
He was my psychiatrist, you know. He
knows all my patterns. In my relationships
I always try to find some reason to
leave, so as my doctor, he can't allow
me to do this, so he's not letting me
leave.
GEORGE
What do you mean - "Not letting you?"
ELAINE
He has this power over me, okay. He
has this way of manipulating every little
word I say. He's like a Svenjolly.
GEORGE
Svengali.
ELAINE
What did I say?
JERRY
Svenjolly.
ELAINE
Svenjolly? I did not say Svenjolly.
JERRY
George?
GEORGE
Svenjolly.
ELAINE
I don't see how I could have said Svenjolly.
JERRY
So maybe he's got like a cheerful mental
hold on you.
(Kramer enters)
KRAMER
You know I can't find a match anywhere.
GEORGE
You know what you should do? You should
tell this guy you're seeing somebody
else. That's the easiest way to get
out of these things.
ELAINE
No, it's not going to work with this
guy.
GEORGE
Well, you just tell him an old boyfriend
has come back into your life.
ELAINE
I don't think so.
JERRY
Nice try.
GEORGE
Took a shot.
KRAMER
This is a good cigar (hair is on fire)
. . . WOOOOOOOOOOW . . . (runs to bathroom)
(Doctor's examining room. Morty enters)
MORTY
So, when do I get to see the doctor?
NURSE
He'll be in with the X-Rays in a few
minutes. You can get dressed. (leaves)
MORTY
(checking pants) They stole my wallet.
The bum stole my wallet. MY WALLET'S
GONE!
MY WALLET'S GONE! I had my wallet in my back pocket. It's gone.
NURSE
Are you sure?
MORTY
Yes, I'm sure. I went in to get my X-Ray
Somebody takes my wallet. Is that the
operation here?
(doctor enters)
DR. DEMBROW
Mr. Seinfeld, I'm Dr. Devro
MORTY
I'm not interested in the X-Rays. I
want my money back. Somebody stole my
wallet. I had $225 in there.
DR. DEMBROW
Why, I don't see how something like
that could have happened.
MORTY
Oh, you don't see. You don't see. Well
it happened. Believe me.
HELEN
(enters) What's going on?
MORTY
They stole my wallet.
HELEN
What?
MORTY
While I was in getting X-Rayed.
DR. DEMBROW
All right, Mr. Seinfeld, I am sorry
about your wallet but would you like
me to look over these X-Rays?
MORTY
What kind of clip joint are you running
here?
DR. DEMBROW
All right, fine. (leaves)
HELEN
The least you could have done was hear
your diagnosis.
MORTY
I am not interested in his diagnosis.
He's a bum.
HELEN
You came all the way from Florida to
see him.
MORTY
I want to know what kind of an office
this is where you can't leave your pants
in the room. You tell me.
(Dr. Reston's office)
ELAINE
I am sorry but there's somebody else.
DR. RESTON
Huh, huh.
ELAINE
Well it's nothing I planned on happeniong,
you knoe. It just kind of happened.
DR. RESTON
Tell me about him.
ELAINE
Well, there's not really much to tell,
you know, he's just a guy. Really.
DR. RESTON
Yes, I assumed he was a guy. And you've
known him how long?
ELAINE
. . . Years. Years, um, we've been close
friends and then recently something
you know just happened.
DR. RESTON
You mean sexually?
ELAINE
Yeah, yeah. Sexu-ally.
(phone rings)
DR. RESTON
Excuse me. Yes, Oh yes, Bobo. No it's
just east of madison. Around 4:00 will
be fine. All right Bobo. (hangs up)
. . .I'm sorry where were we?
ELAINE
Well, I was just telling you about this
other guy.
DR. RESTON
Elaine, do you remember your dream where
you have a sexual encounter with a Chinese
woman?
ELAINE
Yeah. Yeah, (cough, cough) ha um.
DR. RESTON
Elaine, I'm concerned about you.
ELAINE
Oh, don't concern yourself with me,
because I'm good. I'm very good, I mean
I'm really very very good.
DR. RESTON
Elaine. Have you been urinating a lot
again?
ELAINE
. . . no.
DR. RESTON
And how often have you been seeing,
. . .? I'm sorry what is his name?
ELAINE
His name?
DR. RESTON
Yes, his name.
ELAINE
Um, what's the difference?
DR. RESTON
Are you afraid to tell me his name?
ELAINE
No, no, I just don't see how that's
relevant.
DR. RESTON
It doesn't matter if you don't see how.
I see how.
ELAINE
Uh, his name, uh, Idon't even know,
all right you want to know his name?
I'll tell you his name. His name is
. . . Kramer.
DR. RESTON
Kramer. Is that his first name or his
last name?
ELAINE
Oh, I'm really uncomfortable talking
about this.
DR. RESTON
Elaine, I want you to do me a favor.
ELAINE
What?
DR. RESTON
I want you to tell this young man to
give me a call. It is very important
that I speak to him.
ELAINE
Oh, no, no no no, I can't do that.
DR. RESTON
You can do it and you will do it.
ELAINE
No, I can't.
DR. RESTON
You can and you will.
ELAINE
Okay, okay. I'll have Kramer give you
a call.
(Restaurant)
JERRY
So you didn't even let the doctor treat
you?
MORTY
I wouldn't give him the satiusfaction.
HELEN
Why did you leave your wallet in your
pants?
MORTY
What are you talking about? What was
I supposed to hide it somewhere?
HELEN
Well. You could have taken it with you.
MORTY
Oh, yeah, I'd be lying on the X-Ray
table with my wallet in my mouth.
(Leo enter)
LEO
Hello, ,hello.
JERRY
Hi Uncle Leo.
LEO
I just talked to Dr. Denvro's son. He
said they almost had to call the police.
MORTY
What are you talking about? I'm the
one who should have called the police.
They stole my wallet.
LEO
You know how hard it was for me to get
thjat appointment for you? You can't
just walk in on this guy. He did me
a personal favor.
MORTY
All right, Leo.
LEO
You walked out without paying.
MORTY
How was I supposed to pay? I didn't
have my wallet.
LEO
Well, I hope you sent him a check.
MORTY
What for?
LEO
What for? This man was nice enough to
see you. He did me a personal favor.
MORTY
That's the second time you said "personal
favor". Why do you keep saying that?
LEO
I said it once.
MORTY
Twice! And Dembrowdoesn't even know
you. His son happens to live on your
floor.
HELEN
Leo, where did you get that watch?
LEO
You know where I got this? (flashback)
I found it in the garbage can. It kept
terrible time. I brought it over to
Jimmy Sherman right here on 85th and
Columbus. Gave it to me back the next
day. Works great. What kind of idiot
throws a way a perfectly good watch?
HELEN
Doesn't that watch look like the one
we gave Jerry.
JERRY
Hey, where's the waiter. Dad, what say
we have some red meat tonight. Let's
live a . .
(looking at watch)
JERRY
Can we continue this another time.
THE END
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