It's an entire industry of bad gifts,
aren't they? All those
executive gifts, any stupid, goofy, brass, wood thing, they put
a piece of green
felt on the bottom. "It's a golf, desk, tie and stress organiser,
dad." But to
me, nothing compares with the paperweight as a bad gift. There's
way than a paperweight, to express to someone that, "I refuse
to put any thought
into this at all." Where are these people working that the papers
blowing right off of their desks? What, are their desks screwed
to the back of
a flat-bed truck going down the highway or something? What, are
typing up in the crow's nest of a clipper ship? What do you need
a paperweight for?
Jerry, Helen and Morty Seinfeld and uncle Leo are having dinner.
(to Leo) I don't understand this jeweller,
(indicates Jerry) He brings in a watch, it takes over a week
to fix. He fixed
yours in one day.
Oh, you know these jewellers, they're
mysteries, wrapped in a riddle.
Morty sits, brooding a little. A hostess, Naomi, passes the table.
Helen watches her.
(indicating to Jerry) She's very attractive.
She's better than nice.
She's all right.
She's not beautiful.
I think she's beautiful.
So you ask her out.
I'm not gonna ask her out.
If you don't think she's beautiful,
there's something wrong with
She's pretty. She's not beautiful.
I should drop dead if she's not beautiful.
I think that's a little extreme.
(grudgingly) She's awright.
(oblivious to the above) Two exact same
watches. He tells you a
week, and him a day. How could that be? Something's fishy about
He said what?
"The hell with them."
"The hell with them?"
Those were his exact words.
(worried) Oh boy.
He said, "We've got five hundred shows
to choose from. Why
should we give two guys, who have no idea, and no experience,
(still worried) He was pretty emphatic?
Pounded on his desk.
(tossing her purse on the dash) I told
you to take the offer.
(getting animated) Look I, I uh, I had
nothing to do with this.
It wasn't my decision. It was Jerry! Jerry told me no. I'm the
guy. He handles the business end.
You said it was insulting.
I was quoting him. Why would I be insulted?
I'm never insulted.
You could call me baldy, dump soup on my head. Nothing insults
Well, there's nothing I can do.
Well, don't they make a counter offer?
How can they just cancel
the whole deal like that? What kind of a maniac is this guy?
I mean he
just, he says no, and that's it?
Yeah, that's the way Russell is. He
doesn't like to play games.
Well, he has to play! He can't just
not play. We're playing!
Look, I gotta see him, how do I get in touch with him?
You'll have to wait til Monday.
Mon...? No, no, I can't wait til Monday,
that's impossible, I
gotta talk to him now. Where does he live?
(laugh) I can't give you his address.
George looks frustrated for a second, then notices Susan's purse
dash. He grabs it, Susan grabs it and a struggle ensues.
Give it back!
Gimme the purse!
Elaine and Kramer sit on the couch.
Okay, so he just wants to talk to you.
I couldn't talk him out
of it. So you just tell him that you're my boyfriend and that
we're in love,
okay. Can you do that?
Yeah, yeah, okay. I'm your boyfriend.
Have we been intimate?
Yeah. Yeah, we've been intimate.
Alright, how often do we do it?
Kramer, how is that important? Honestly,
do you really think
he's gonna ask you that?
Elaine, he's a psychiatrist. They're
interested in stuff like
Alright, alright. We do it, uh... (thinks)
five times a week,
(suggestive) Oooh, baby. (smiles)
Oh, man. Alright, listen. Just tell
me something, what are you
I know what I'm gonna say.
No, no, but I would like to hear it.
No, no. I don't wanna say it out loud.
Kills the spontaneity.
You know, Gleason, he never rehearsed. (indicates phone) 'Kay,
go 'head, do it.
Elaine picks up the phone, while Kramer prepares himself.
(dialling) Alright, okay. You talk to
(playing with his hair) Talk to him.
Hey, how's your hair?
Oh, well, yeah, it's good.
(handing over the phone) You're not
the type that should be
playing with matches, seriously Kramer.
(listens) Uh, yes. Uh uh, Doctor uh,
Reston, is he in? Well,
this is Kramer and uh, he's expecting my call.
(mouths silently) Okay.
Kramer holds on. He begins to sing along with the hold music.
(singing) ...Johnny ...was a rebel.
He rode through the land...
He waggles his eyebrows at Elaine, who gives a 'what the hell
...Yu uh, yes, yes uh, uh, Doctor Reston.
Uhm well, hello
there. Ahh yeah, well, I'm a good friend of Elaine's...
(animated, but quietly) No, no. Not
...Well, actually uh, we're uh, we're
not friends Uh, we're uh,
we're much more than friends...
Elaine signals her approval, indicating that Kramer should keep
...and uh, I'm afraid we have a bit
of a problem. Well, the
point is, doctor uh, I'm very much in love with Elaine...
...and uh, she's very much in love with
me, and uh, well uh, we
would uh, appreciate it if you would cease and desist, and allow
us to pursue
our courtship unfettered.
Elaine looks extremely pleased, she gives Kramer okay gestures.
(mouths silently) That's perfect!
If not, I can assure you, doctor, that
I can make things very
unpleasant for you and your staff. If you have one.
Elaine looks even happier. She slaps Kramer on the arm to indicate
doing so well.
Yes. Yeah, but the point that I... (listens)
Elaine's smile begins to look a bit stiff.
...Ah, ye... (listens) Well, no... Uh,
yeah, that's possible...
Elaine's face starts to look a bit sick.
(listens) ...Well, I suppose I could,
(turns away from Elaine)
but I'd have to shift a few things around, uhm... Hold on for
a second, will
Kramer reaches down and picks up a writing pad, he puts it on
Elaine watches, looking increasingly confused and worried.
... Uh, go ahead, yeah. (listens and
makes a note) Alright
uh... Yeah, yeah, okay... I look forward to it too. (listens)
Eh, hah, okay. So
Kramer hangs up the phone.
What happened? What'd he say? (indicates
pad) What's going on
Uh, okay now. He uh, you know, he uh,
wants to get together.
(horrified) Get together!!
He wants to talk.
Well, why didn't you say no!!
(momentary confusion) Wha...? Uh...
Elaine flops back into the couch, let down again by Kramer.
Naomi, the hostess, stands by the Seinfeld's table.
Did you enjoy your poisson?
It was... different.
(to Jerry) And how was yours?
Ah, very good.
You should try our mousse. (a little
flirtatious) It'll change
your life expectancy.
No thanks, just the check.
What's the matter with you?
Why didn't you flirt with her?
She was flirting with you. Why didn't
you say something?
What am I gonna say?
You just sat there.
Well, you made me uncomfortable.
You're a comedian, couldn't you come
up with something?
(to Morty) Where's the bathroom?
In the back, on your right.
Leo gets up and leaves. The busboy brings the check to the table.
puts it down, Morty takes hold of it. Jerry grabs it too. A tug
Will you stop it Jerry. Let go.
Will you let me pay just once.
You're out of your mind.
How you gonna pay? You don't even have
Don't worry about it.
What're you gonna do?
What's the difference, we'll figure
(to Jerry) You're not paying.
Jerry releases his grip, allowing a triumphant Morty to take
Alright, fine. You figure something
out. I'd be very curious to
know how you pick up a check with no money. 'Cause if this works,
monetary system's obsolete, we're back to wampum. (standing)
I'm going to the
Jerry walks away. Morty reads the check, with Helen leaning to
How the hell am I gonna pay for this?
Jerry enters, to find Leo washing his hands. Leo notices Jerry
They give you some portion here, huh?
Uh, yeah. (broaching a subject) Hey
uncle Leo, I hope I wasn't
uh, rude to you that day I bumped into you on the street. Uh,
I really did have
to get to
(preening himself in the mirror) Aw,
no, no, I understand. I got
plenty of friends in showbusiness. I know you're all very busy.
So you found that watch in the garbage
Yeah. In fact it was right after I ran
Oh, heh. You know, a friend of mine
has a watch just like that.
I'd love to replace it for him as a gift.
Well, I haven't seen too many like (indicating
Leo begins to head for the door. Jerry walks backwards, keeping
Yeah, I know. Maybe uh, you wanna sell
me that one.
(sarcastic) Aww, sure. (laughter)
Leo opens the door and begins to exit. Jerry grabs him by the
(pulling Leo back in) Hang on a second.
I got a little
proposition for you.
(Apartment Building Lobby)
A uniformed doorman is on the phone to a tenant, while a nervous
stands beside him.
(into phone) There's a George Bonanza
to see you.
(into phone) George Costanza.
The guy who pitched him the show with
the stories about
nothing. (snaps fingers) Jerry Seinfeld. Jerry Seinfeld's friend.
(into phone) Seinfeld friend. (he listens)
(to George) He
says, call him Monday.
A desperate George grabs the phone, and the doorman's hand, and
it down so's he can speak into it.
(into phone, frantic) Mister Dalrimple!
Mister Dalrimple I have
to talk to you!
It's about the show. It... No, it was...
...It was all a terrible misunderstanding,
sir. Just five
minutes. Just five minutes of your time. (listens) Thank you!
Thank you, Mister
George releases his grip on the phone, and indicates the doorman
listen to it. Keeping a wary eye on George, he does.
(into phone) Very good, sir.
A happier George slaps the doorman on the shoulder and heads
Russell Dalrimple's apartment.
Morty stands, explaining his predicament to the maitre d', who
with an approximate French accent.
You don't understand. I can't allow
my son to pay for me. Look,
as soon as I get back to Florida, I promise you I'll mail you
Why don't you just let him pay, and
then you can pay him
No, no, he won't let me do that.
Why don't you just put the money in
his pants pocket,
He could wash them.
Monsieur, we are running a reputable
Don't tell me about business! I sold
raincoats for thirty-five
Aha, but you did not give them away,
You don't understand my...
Ah, monsieur, I cannot get involved
with you and your
Kramer and Elaine stroll to the entrance of Dr Reston's building.
Now look, don't take too long.
(looking around) Look at this building.
What is this?
I don't know. It's a building.
(indicating) The door's on a diagonal.
(looking around) It's architecturally
(frustrated) Just go.
Kramer opens the door and begins to enter. Elaine waves him goodbye,
then wonders why she's doing that and gives up.
(Russell Dalrimple's Apartment)
Russell has opened the door to an anxious George. In the background
a set dinner table, at which sits Cynthia, Russell's beautiful
looks haughty and bored throughout the scene.
(sidling in) Is this a bad time? I hope
I'm not disturbing
We were about to sit down to dinner.
George motions he's sorry, but makes no effort to leave.
(indicating) This is Cynthia.
(entering the apartment more fully)
Oh. Oh, hi, hi. Hi. Nice to
meet you. (peering at the table) What're you having, veal?
Looks like veal.
It's not veal.
Well, it's a good looking piece of meat.
Wow, this is some place. A duplex, huh? (indicating) Look at
this, you got stairs in
an apartment. All my life, I dreamed about having steps in an
Even one step. Sunken living room. Although, one step is really
not all that
sunken. (tries hard to elicit a laugh)
Who gave you my address?
No, that's a fair question. It is, uhm...
Jerry, yeah. (to Cynthia) Jerry's a friend of mine. (to Russell)
He uh, he gave it
to me. Unbelievable how many addresses of people this guy has.
Russell closes the door.
He's got Marlon Brando's. I could go
to Marlon Brando's house
Cynthia rises and slinks past George toward the living room area.
Course, I wouldn't, I mean uh, the guy
is uh, well obviously
(to Cynthia, as she passes) the guy has his problems.
So, what's the surprise? You wanna talk
about the show?
Cynthia sits on the couch, and puts her wine glass on the coffee
As George speaks, Russell crosses to the coffee table, picks
up the glass
and puts down a coaster, before sitting the glass on it.
Well, you know, it's really very funny,
because you know what
we got here, really? We really, really, just have a terrible
You see, when I passed on the deal, I thought that's what Jerry
wanted me to
say. Y'know, I, I misinterpreted.
(bored) Russell, where's the TV Guide.
Oh, what time is it? Eight thirty? I'll
tell you what's on. You
got Major Dad, Blossom, very funny programme...
Blossom's on Monday.
Are you sure? Oh, look who I'm talking
to. The president of
NBC. (forced laughter)
Look Mister Costanza, it's too late
now anyway. I already made
a deal with another writing team.
(worried) Alright, alright. Look, we're
people, you and me,
huh? Businessmen. Colleagues, if I may. Let's not quibble. We'll
do it for
the thirteen thousand. Thirteen thousand, and I never came up
never talked, alright. You take good care. (moving past Russell
toward the door) It
was nice seeing you again, and nice meeting you. (to Cynthia)
George is opening the door.
Alright, now look. These deals are already
George closes the door and turns back to Russell.
Awright, lemme just say this. Ten thousand
and now I'm going below what you wanted to pay. You have your
dinner, have your
veal, or whatever it is. Enjoy...
George opens the door, and is halfway through.
George re-enters again.
Alright, that's it. Alright, good, eight
thousand dollars. (to
Cynthia) Cynthia, again, nice meeting you. Have I commented on
the shoes? I love
suede, it's so thick and rich. Did you ever, you ever rub it
grain? Alright, anyway...
George is halfway through the door again.
(bored, frustrated) Russell, can we
(to George) Alright. Eight thousand.
(pleased) You've made Jerry very happy.
George exits and Russell closes the door firmly. As Russell returns
Cynthia, there is a tentative tap at the door. Russell opens
it, to reveal
May I just use your bathroom for a moment?
Leo and Jerry are mid-negotiation over the watch.
Alright, two hundred, but that's as
high as I can go. I really
think you're being unreasonable here!
Jerry, I'd give you the watch. It's
not the money, I happen to
Look, I happen to know how much that
watch cost. It's a sixty
dollar watch, you paid forty to get it fixed. That's a hundred
offering you two hundred!
(indicating) I've never seen a band
Aww, right. Three hundred, plus fifty
for the repair. Three
fifty, that's it!
You have it on you?
Yeah, I think I do.
Jerry fetches out his wallet.
(under his breath) This is unbelievable.
Jerry begins handing over a wad of bills to Leo. The door to
bathroom opens and Morty enters.
What the hell is going on here?
(Dr Reston's Office)
On the street outside, Elaine waits, while upstairs Kramer introduces
himself to Dr Reston.
Well, it uh, (offering his hand) it's
a pleasure to meet you.
(shaking hands) Thank you for coming
Please, sit down.
Dr Reston sits in one of a pair of leather armchairs which face
other, he crosses his legs.
Kramer sits and the leather of the chair makes a series of embarrassing
rumbles and squeaks, with more of the same as he emulates Dr
legs sitting position.
Could I offer you something to drink.
Uhm, coffee? Anything?
Okay uh, yeah. I'll have a uh, you have
a decaf cappuccino?
I don't think we have that.
Well, that's a little strange.
Uh, why does that surprise you?
Well, it's uh, it's a very popular drink
This is an office.
That's true. But, you know, I can't
help but think that uh...
(interrupting) So tell me Mister Kramer...
...Okay, yes, shoot.
Tell me all about uh, you and Elaine.
Oh, alrighty uh...
He moves in his seat, resulting in another digestive tract rumble
Well, what we have here, doctor, is
uhm, an extraordinary
Oh, you better believe it.
Elaine is waiting outside for Kramer. Along the street strolls
Davola, singing as he goes.
(singing) '...Travelling along...'
Elaine recognises the tune, and joins in.
'...singing a song, side by side...'
Davola stops and looks at Elaine. He looks like he likes what
and Elaine seems interested too. They flirt.
Wow. You really have a terrible voice.
Do I know you?
Uhh, I don't think so.
'Cos you really look familiar.
Oh, well maybe you've seen me. My face
is on uhm, Mount
Oh yes, of course, that's it. I guess
I'm just used to seeing
it on a much larger scale.
Oh yeah, right. I replaced uh, Teddy
Umm. Trustbuster. Bust this.
They laugh and smile at each other.
(Dr. Reston's Office)
Kramer and Dr Reston are also laughing.
You know, I never thought of it like
that before, doctor.
(points) You, are absolutely right.
I'm glad we agree.
(reaching in pocket) Hey, would you
like a cigar? Y'know,
I'd love one.
Kramer hands over a cigar and fetches a match from his pocket.
Yeah. You know, I think Elaine is a
wonderful woman. You two
are gonna make a wonderful couple.
Kramer strikes a match on the sole of his shoe.
If you ever feel, a need to talk to
(lighting Dr Reston's cigar) Uh huh.
...About anything. You have my number.
(lighting his own cigar) Well, that's
very kind of you.
Kramer puts down the match, not noticing he's placed it on a
tissues. He and Dr Reston puff contentedly at their cigars.
Mmm, these are good, huh?
Kramer notices he's set light to the top tissue in the box.
Kramer pulls the smouldering tissue from the box. He shakes it
out the fire, but a piece falls to the floor. As he reaches for
it, he keeps
the rest of the tissue in his hand, where it burns his fingers.
He jumps, almost
dropping his cigar, and sucks at his burned digits.
Elaine is using Davola's back as a rest as she jots her number
piece of paper.
I cannot believe I'm doing this. I never
meet people like this.
You're not a nut, are you?
No, I don't think so.
Elaine hands the piece of paper and the pen back to Davola as
laugh at the ludicrous possibility that he might be a nut.
Naomi is handing her card to Jerry.
I can't believe I'm doing this. I never
do stuff like this.
(joking) Really? I give out my number
to just about every
customer who comes in here.
Oh. (chuckles) Really? You don't seem
(playing it straight) Oh yeah. Actually,
I'm a little
disappointed. I kind of had my eye on uncle Leo.
Uh huh. Well uh, I'll give you a call,
and thanks for the fish.
By the way, you know why fish are so thin?
They eat fish.
Naomi starts to laugh at his joke. It is, of course, the laugh
described as 'Elmer Fudd sitting on a juicer'. It's loud and
leaves, but then leans back around the corner with a look of
disbelief on his face.
(Lobby In Dr. Reston's Office)
A cheerful Joe Davola waits for the elevator to arrive, whistling
By Side'. The elevator arrives with a ding of the bell. The door
Kramer steps out, shielded from Davola by other passengers. Kramer
relighting his cigar, as Davola enters the elevator, still whistling
Elaine sits on the steps outside the building. The door opens
of the other elevator passengers exits, he releases the door,
shut, almost striking Kramer. Kramer walks toward Elaine.
What happened? What took you so long?
Hey, he's a terrific guy.
Wha...? What are you talking about?
What'd he say?
Well, we talked about a lot of things.
The camera pans up, toward the lighted window of Dr Reston's
You talked about a lot of things? Well...
Did you talk about us?
Elaine and Kramer's voices fade out, and the voices inside the
I'm in love. I just met her outside
in the street. Her
name's Elaine. She is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.
Did you say Elaine?
Jerry's standup piece.
How come the psychiatrist, every, the
hour is only fifty
minutes? Wha, what do they do with that ten minutes that they
have left? Do they just
sit there going, "Boy, that guy was crazy. I couldn't believe
the things he
was saying. What a nut! Who's coming in next? Oh, no, another
Jerry brings his parents' cases from the bedroom. Helen is finishing
You shoulda told me it didn't work.
I know, I know.
You didn't have to throw it out.
I was always late. It was frustrating
me. I'm sorry, I really
The buzzer sounds.
Oh, that must be Leo.
I woulda taken you to the airport.
He has nothing to do.
Neither do I. (to intercom) Yeah?
Come on up. (to parents) It's George.
Oh, it's George.
What ever happened with NBC and the
Ah, George turned it down.
He turned it down?
Why did he do that?
Because of Ted Danson.
What does Ted Danson have to do with
Maybe he doesn't like Ted Danson.
(fetching a drink from the fridge) Hey,
who knows, maybe we'll
wind up getting more money.
(to Jerry) Hey.
Hey, Georgie-boy, how are ya?
Hey, Mr Seinfeld. (shakes Morty's hand)
Hey, Mrs Seinfeld. How
He approaches Helen for a greeting.
What's the matter with you?
What'd I do?
What about NBC? Did you hear anything?
Yeah, as a matter of fact, I did.
Jerry looks expectantly, but George makes him wait.
We got a deal.
There is an outpouring of jubilation and congratulations aimed
(simultaneous) Hey!/That's wonderful!/We
got a deal!
You see, he had the right idea. Hold
out. That's how you get the
big money, huh George? (slaps George on the shoulder)
Uh, please, Morty.
No, no, no. He knows how to talk to
these people. No-one's gonna
take advantage of Georgie. (slaps George's shoulder again)
I'm just happy to be working with your
...Who's not doing this for the money.
You have no idea how refreshing that
So what'd we get?
(big smile) Eight thousand dollars.
(quietly) That's uh, for the two of
Four thousand apiece?
Lemme see if I understand this. In other
words, you held out
for... less money.
I was wrong, you were right.
You know, the basic idea of negotiation,
as I understand it, is
to get your price to go... up.
You're smart, I'm dumb.
You know, this is how they negotiate
in the bizarro world.
The buzzer sounds.
That's gotta be Leo.
(to intercom) Yeah?
Alright, we're coming down.
Alright, let's get going.
Dad, before we go, I got a little something
Jerry fetches a small package from the kitchen drawer and offers
Morty opens it.
Hey! Look at this, a wallet. Exactly
what I needed, y'see.
C'mon, you lost your wallet, I figured
I'd get you another one.
I hope you didn't spend too much on
I wanna tell you. This is one of the
most thoughtful gifts
anyone's ever given me.
He's something, you son, isn't he?
Ah hah, alright, let's go.
Everyone begins to head for the door.
You're a terrific kid.
Jerry picks up a case.
Yeah, he's something, isn't he?
George picks up the other case, as Morty and Helen exit.
How could anybody not like you?
(to Jerry) You're very special.
(pointedly) Yeah, I'm good for about
four thousand dollars.
Uncle Leo has the trunk of his car open and looks impatient.
Hey, let's go! It's twelve (checks watch)
uh, twelve twenty-two.
Hey, uncle Leo.
How you doing?
There are murmurs of greetings.
This is some beautiful parking spot
you got here.
Yeah, I hate to give it up.
Yeah. Hey, dad, you sure you don't need
any more money?
Alright, I'm just joking. Listen, have
a nice trip.
(hugging Jerry) Bye bye, Jerry.
Bye Mrs Seinfeld, take care.
Bye bye. (hugging Jerry) Thanks again
for the wallet.
(shaking hands with Morty) Morty, always
Take care now. So long.
Jerry and George walk away to cross the street back to the apartment.
They speak quietly, so's Helen and Morty don't overhear.
Yeah, like he was really gonna take
Oh, he took it. I put four hundred dollars
in the new wallet.
He lost all that cash. It was the only
way I could give it back
to him, otherwise he wouldn't accept it.
Man, would I like to see the look on
Jerry gives a final wave to his parents. They wave back.
You believe this?
(indicates the new wallet) It's velcro.
Who needs this?
He tosses the wallet into the trash bin.
Leo, let's go.
Morty and Helen climb into Leo's car. Leo closes the trunk and
toward the driver's door. He stops, as something catches his
eye. Leo picks the
wallet out of the trash, looks around to see if anyone's watching,
and tucks it
into his pocket as he goes to get in the car.
Jerry's standup piece.
...main difference between the women's
wallet and the man's
wallet, is the photo section. True? Women carry with them a photograph
person they've ever met, every day in their whole lives, since
of time. And every picture is out of date. You know what I mean?
It's, "Here's my
cousin, three years old. She's in the marines now." "This is
my dog. He died
during the Johnson administration." You know. You get stopped
by a cop, no
licence, no registration, (waves imaginary wallet) "Here's fifty-six
know me." Cop goes. "Alright, ma'am, just wanted to make sure
you had some friends, move it along. Routine pal check."