THE WINK
Written by
Tom Gammill & Max Pross
(Elaine's bedroom - phone rings)
ELAINE
Hello.
JAMES
This is your wake up service. It's 7:15.
ELAINE
Oh, god. OH, I could use a few more
hours sleep.
JAMES
Hot date last night?
ELAINE
I wish.
JAMES
A woman with a sexy voice like yours
its hard to believe you're waking up alone.
ELAINE
Really? Thank you, wake up service
. . . person.
JAMES
Call me James.
ELAINE
Oh, all right, James. He he he.
(Monks)
GEORGE
Your wake up guy asked you out?
ELAINE
Yeah, I've never seen him but I feel
like we have this weirdly intimate relationship.
I mean, I'm lying in bed, I'm wearing
my nightie,
JERRY
I don't know. Blind date?
ELAINE
What? You're going to go out with my
cousin Holly. You've never met her.
JERRY
Yeah, but I've seen pictures of her.
ELAINE
At least I've spoken to my guy. You're
going out on a deaf date.
JERRY
I think I'd rather go out on a deaf
date than a blind date. The question
is whether you'd rather date the blind
or the deaf.
ELAINE
Ah. . .
GEORGE
Now you're off on a topic.
JERRY
You know, I think, I would rather date
the deaf.
ELAINE
Uh hu.
JERRY
Because I think the blind would probably
be a little messier around the house.
And lets face it they're not going to
get all the crumbs. I'd possibly be
walking around with a sponge.
GEORGE
You see I disagree. I'd rather be dating
the blind. You know you could let the
house go. You could let yourself go.
A good looking blind woman doesn't even
know you're not good enough for her.
ELAINE
I think she'd figure it out.
(waitress places plates on the table)
ELAINE
What? What is this?
JERRY
Veggie sandwich and a grapefruit.
ELAINE
Veggie sandwich and a grapefruit? What
are you turning into?
JERRY
A healthy person.
GEORGE
(rubbing his eye) Ow, Ow you squirted
me.
JERRY
Oh, sorry
GEORGE
Boy, it stings.
(Yankee Stadium)
WILHELM
George, have you seen Morgan?
GEORGE
No.
WILHELM
He's been coming in late all week. Is
there something wrong?
GEORGE
No, not that I know of. (winks)
WILHELM
Really? Make sure he signs this. Oh,
look George, if there's a problem with
Morgan you can tell me.
GEORGE
Morgan? No. He's doing a great job.
(winks)
WILHELM
I understand.
(Jerry's apartment)
JERRY
I still can't believe, you're going
out on a blind date.
ELAINE
I'm not worried. It sounds like he's
really good looking.
JERRY
You're going by sound? What are we?
Whales?
ELAINE
I think I can tell.
JERRY
Elaine, what percentage of people would
you say are good looking?
ELAINE
Twenty-five percent.
JERRY
Twenty-five percent, you say? No way!
It's like 4 to 6 percent. It's a twenty
to one shot.
ELAINE
You're way off.
JERRY
Way off? Have you been to the motor
vehicle bureau? It's like a leper colony
down there.
ELAINE
So what you are saying is that 90 to
95 percent of the population is undateable?
JERRY
UNDATEABLE!
ELAINE
Then how are all these people getting
together?
JERRY
Alcohol.
ELAINE
(to George who is winking) What is your
problem?
GEORGE
No problem here.
ELAINE
You keep winking at me. That's really
obnoxious.
GEORGE
I had no idea.
ELAINE
Right there. Right there. You just did
it again.
GEORGE
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. It's from
that grapefruit that Jerry squirted
at me.
ELAINE
You're eye still hurts?
GEORGE
Yeah, yeah. You must have squirted a
piece of pulp in it too.
JERRY
Pulp couldn't make it across the table.
GEORGE
Pulp can move, Baby! Why didn't you
eat a real breakfast?
JERRY
Hey, I eat healthy. If I have to take
out an eye, that's the breaks.
GEORGE
Wait a minute. I must have been winking
down at the office. That's why Mr. Wilhelm
was acting so mysteriouso.
ELAINE
What did he think, you were flirtin'
with him?
GEORGE
Hu, oh. No he thought I was hiding something
from him about Morgan.
(Kramer enters)
KRAMER
Hi guys.
JERRY
Hi,
KRAMER
Hello Archie, Veronica, Mr. Weatherbee.
. . . Is this Don Matingly's signature?
GEORGE
Yeah.
KRAMER
And Buck Showalter's?
GEORGE
It's an inter-office envelope. It get
passed around all over the office.
KRAMER
Um, can I show this to my buddy Stubbs
. He runs a sports memorabilia store.
He pays top dollar for pro autographs.
GEORGE
Yeah, like I'm going to risk my job
with the New York Yankees to make a
few extra bucks. (winks)
KRAMER
No, of course not. (winks back)
(Sports Memorabilia Shop)
KRAMER
You know, you see Don Matingly signed
this envelope then he sent it to room
318, where it was received and signed
for by manager Buck Showalter.
STEINBRENNER
I don't know. An envelope doesn't really
cut it.
KRAMER
Why?
STEINBRENNER
What is this? A birthday card. Ha ha
. . . signed by the ENTIRE Yankee organization!
. . . This could be worth something.
(Yankee Stadium)
GEORGE
Is that the lovely Mrs. Morgan?
MM
Hello.
MORGAN
Oh, by the way, have you got that birthday
card?
GEORGE
Birthday card?
MORGAN
Mr. Steinbrenner's birthday card. Wilhem
said you had it for me to sign.
GEORGE
Oh ah, I uh, will have that for you
by after lunch.
MORGAN
Fine. I'll be back after my massage.
GEORGE
Of course. Your massage. (winks) Enjoy
your massage. (winks)
(Monk's - Elaine sitting alone)
ELAINE
Hello.
JAMES
Elaine?
ELAINE
James! Ah, ha, Hello! Phew!
(Old Homestead Steak House)
HOLLY
I can't believe you've never taken anybody
here before.
JERRY
Well, I'm not really that much of a
meat eater.
HOLLY
. . . You don't eat meat? Are you one
of those. . .
JERRY
Well, no, I'm not one of those.
HOLLY
When we were little girls Grandma Memma
would take us to a matinee and then
dinner here.
JERRY
Grandma Memma?
HOLLY
Elaine must have mentioned Grandma Memma.
JERRY
No, I think I would have remembered
Memma.
HOLLY
Oh well, that's typical. Elaine never
liked Grandma Memma.
WAITER
Ready?
HOLLY
I'll have the porterhouse medium rare,
baked potato with sour cream,
JERRY
What do you recommend besides the steak?
WAITER
The lamb chops are good.
JERRY
Anything lighter? How do you prepare
the chicken?
WAITER
It's a full bird. Stuffed with ham,
topped with gorganzola.
JERRY
You know what? I think I'll just have
the salad.
WAITER
. . . Thank you.
JERRY
(mind's voice) Just a salad? Just a
salad? Just a salad?
(Outside of Monk's - James unties his dogs)
JAMES
Hey you, hey you.
ELAINE
Oh, uh, ha, you've got dogs?
JAMES
Yeah, you know, when you live alone,
you're dogs are all you have. Do you
like dogs?
ELAINE
(mind's voice from - ... ) SHUT UP! YOU
STUPID LITTLE MUT !
ELAINE
Dogs. Oh I love dogs.
JAMES
Boys, this is Elaine. . . . Sorry, they're
usually very friendly. Hey!
(Yankee Stadium)
GEORGE
Hey, Mr. Morgan how was your massage?
MORGAN
I had to cancel it. For some reason
my wife got it into her head that it
was more than just a massage.
GEORGE
Really?
MORGAN
Yeah, we had this big fight at lunch
it looks like tonight I will be sleeping
on the couch.
GEORGE
Hey, listen don't oversleep. You can't
afford to be late again.
MORGAN
I know. Somebody around here has been
giving Wilhelm the impression that I
have been slacking off.
GEORGE
Geez, Hey you know something, you should
try my friend's wake up service. She
swears by this thing.
MORGAN
Costanza, you may be my only friend
around here. By the way, you got that
birthday card?
GEORGE
Ah, not yet.
MORGAN
Just make sure Steinbrenner doesn't
get it until I sign it.
GEORGE
Yes sir!
(Jerry's apartment)
ELAINE
I just don't understand it as soon as
I met these dogs they started growling
at me.
JERRY
Maybe his dogs heard about how you tried
to kidnap that other dog. These muts
like to gossip. So have you talked too
Holly?
ELAINE
Huh huh.
JERRY
Did she mention anything about our lunch?
ELAINE
Uh, kind of.
JERRY
What do you mean, "kind of."?
ELAINE
I mean, she thought it was kind of strange
to just order a salad. . . . You know.
. . . For a man.
JERRY
What are you saying? . . . Salad! What
was I thinking? Women don't respect
salad eaters.
ELAINE
You got that right.
JERRY
But you're going over there for dinner
tonight, right?
ELAINE
Um uh.
JERRY
What is she making?
ELAINE
I don't know. But I'm sure it had, .
. . parents. Call her up. She won't
mind if you come.
JERRY
Oh, don't worry. I'll be there and I'll
be packing an artery.
(Kramer's door - George knocks)
KRAMER
Ah, Mr. Weatherbee.
GEORGE
You got the Yankee envelope?
KRAMER
Sure do.
GEORGE
oh,
KRAMER
Here you go.
GEORGE
Hey, he,
KRAMER
You'll be pleased to see what's inside.
GEORGE
What is this?
KRAMER
You're cut of the loot. Stubs gave me
200 dollars for the autographed birthday
card that was inside.
GEORGE
Who told you to sell the card?
KRAMER
You did.
GEORGE
No I didn't!
KRAMER
No, not in so many words but I believe
we had an understanding. (winks)
GEORGE
I was not winking you idiot. That was
the grapefruit. It's like acid. I need
that card back. It's Mr. Steinbrenner's.
I was responsible.
KRAMER
Well Stubs has already sold it to some
guy who's kid's in the hospital .
GEORGE
Well get it back! It's very important.
(winks)
KRAMER
Look, do you want me to get it back
or not?
GEORGE
(holds eyes wide open) Get it back!
(Holly's apartment)
ELAINE
Such a lovely table setting. Oh, wear
did you get these napkins?
HOLLY
They're grandma Memma's.
ELAINE
Oh, I don't remember them.
HOLLY
Oh, you wouldn't. She only used them
on special occasions.
ELAINE
Special occassions? It wasn't special
when my family visited?
HOLLY
Everybody like mutton?
JERRY
Um, mutton! Hope you didn't cut the
fat off.
(Hospital room)
KRAMER
That you Bobby?
BOBBY
KRAMER
Well, I heard that you have a very uh,
special birthday card .with all the
Yankee autographs on it.
BOBBY
Sure do. Mister.
KRAMER
Oh, that's it, yeah. Boy, Stubs sure
went to town with this thing huh? Yeah,
well, Bobby, uh, what if I told you
a very important person at the New York
Yankees needed this card back.
BOBBY
Oh, no. I'd never part with this card
for anything in the world.
KRAMER
Well, uh, Bobby, uh, who's your favorite
Yankee.
BOBBY
Paul O'Neill.
KRAMER
All right. What if I tell Paul O'Neill
to hit a home run tomorrow, just for
you.
BOBBY
Would he? Paul O'Neill would do that?
KRAMER
For you he would.
BOBBY
Would he hit two home runs?
KRAMER
Two? Sure kid, yeah. But then you gotta
promise you'll do something for me.
BOBBY
I know. Get out of this bed one day
and walk again.
KRAMER
Yeah, that would be nice. But I really
just need this card.
(Holly's apartment)
ELAINE
What about this candelabra?
HOLLY
Yeah, that was grandma Memma's also.
She bought it on her trip to Europe
in 1936. Jerry, I'm thrilled you like
my mutton. I was afrais you only ate
. . . salad.
JERRY
Hey, salad's got nothin' on this mutton.
HOLLY
That is so funny. Did you just make
that up?
JERRY
I wish I could take credit for it. It's
actually the line my butcher uses when
we're chewing the fat. How about that
beautiful desk over there? (hides meat
in napkin in jacket)
HOLLY
That was in Grandma's study.
ELAINE
What did you do, ransack the place after
she died?
JERRY
This is some FINE mutton.
ELAINE
I'm getting out of here. Can I borrow
your jacket?
JERRY
Uh, well, uh the thing is that . . .
(Jerry grabs jacket back)
ELAINE
It's cold out, and I didn't bring my
own. Jerry! God forbid I should borrow
one from Holly. It might have belonged
to grandma Memma. Thanks for mutton.
(On the street - dogs following Elaine)
ELAINE
Down boy, nice doggy . I'm a nice person.
Don't believe what you hear.
(Holly's)
HOLLY
Where are the napkins?
JERRY
What?
HOLLY
Grandma Memma's napkins. There's two
missing. Elaine took them didn't she?
JERRY
I don't know about that. Have you got
any floss?
HOLLY
You heard her. She coveted them. I bet
she took them just to spite me. She's
probably having a good laugh about it
right now.
(On the street dogs chasing Elaine)
ELAINE
Down doggy . oh oh a a a a a
(Jame's apartment)
JERRY
Elaine, what are you doing in this neighborhood?
ELAINE
Did you do with the dogs?
JERRY
Yeah, they're in the kitchen. . . .
okay, quite! What's going on?
ELAINE
These dogs were chasing me. And no cab
would stop and I had to get off the
street. Then I remembered that you lived
here.
JERRY
Why were dogs chasing you?
ELAINE
They just don't like me. It's a long
story. I can tell you one day but I
can't tell you right now.
JERRY
I would askk you to stay tonight but
I only have the sofa bed and it's where
I sleep.
ELAINE
We'll have to sleep head to toe.
JERRY
Head to toe?
ELAINE
Head to toe.
(The next morning at Jame's)
ELAINE
Hey, wake up. It's 8:30 you were supposed
to walk me up at 7:15.
JERRY
I'm sorry I didn't get any sleep you
kept kicking me in the face.
ELAINE
You're a wake up guy. Don't you have
calls to make?
JERRY
I'll make them later. Uh.
(Mr. Morgan's - he's asleep on the couch)
(Yankee Stadium - George's office)
WILHELM
Have you seen Morgan?
GEORGE
He's not here?
WILHELM
No, He's late.
GEORGE
It's impossible. I got him a wake up
service.
WILHELM
Now, George, you don't have to cover
for him any more. He's going to be gone
soon and I'm going to recommend you
for his job.
GEORGE
. . . gone?
(Monk's)
JERRY
It sounds like all the winking got you
a promotion.
GEORGE
I don't want Morgan's job. He's got
a lot of work to do. Hey, Elaine, your
friend never woke up Mr. Morgan.
ELAINE
Nah, he was tired. He had some feet
in his face. My cousin Holly is completely
insane. She keeps calling and accusing
me of stealing her napkins.
GEORGE
Napkins?
ELAINE
I mean, why? Why would I take her stupid
napkins.
JERRY
Because they were in the pockets of
my jacket.
ELAINE
They were?
JERRY
Yes. I was using them to spit out the
mutton.
ELAINE
Spit it out? I had dogs chasing me for
that mutton. I was almost mauled because
of that mutton.
GEORGE
What exactly is mutton?
JERRY
I don't know and I didn't want to find
out. So where is my jacket?
ELAINE
Oh, I must have left it at Jame's
JERRY
You spent the night at James's? Did
we?
ELAINE
Yeah but we reversed positions so there
was no funny business.
JERRY
Reversed positions?
ELAINE
Yeah, you know, head to toe.
JERRY
So what your genitals are still lined
up.
ELAINE
No, because I slept with my back to
him.
(long pause - no comment from the guys)
(Yankee Stadium)
KRAMER
Mr. O'Neill?
O'NEILL
Yeah.
KRAMER
Yeah, uh, look, you don't know me.
O'NEILL
I can give you an autograph there, but
my pen's kind of screwed up. You'd only
like half a "P" or something.
KRAMER
No, it's uh, not that see,. It's about
a little boy in a hospital. I was wondering
if you could do something to lift his
spirits.
O'NEILL
Sure, I could help you there.
KRAMER
Sure, well I promised you would hit
him two home runs.
O'NEILL
Say what?
KRAMER
You know, Klick!. A couple of dingers.
O'NEILL
You promised a kid in the hospital that
I would hit two home runs?
KRAMER
Yeah, well, no good?
O'NEILL
Yeah. That's no good. It's terrible.
You don't hit home runs like that. It's
hard to hit home runs. And where the
heck did you get two from?
KRAMER
Two is better than one.
O'NEILL
That, that's ridiculous. I'm not a home
run hitter.
KRAMER
Well, Babe Ruth did it.
O'NEILL
He did not.
KRAMER
Oh, do you say that Babe Ruth is a liar?
O'NEILL
I'm not calling him a liar but he was
not stupid enough to promise two.
KRAMER
Well, maybe I did overextend myself.
O'NEILL
How the heck did you get in here anyway?
(James's)
JAMES
(on phone) Oh, hi Elaine. You know I
lost all of my 6:30 clients because
of you. . . . Yeah, well why did you
have to stick your feet in my face?
. . . Yes, I have the jacket. Hold on.
. . . (to dogs) Fellas!
(Hospital)
TV
The Yankees take the field on a beautiful
afternoon.
KRAMER
It's hot in here. Hey, Bobby, can I
have some of your juice?
BOBBY
After Paul O'Neill hits his first home
run.
(Jerry's)
HOLLY
(from buzzer) It's Holly.
JERRY
Yeah. Come on up.
TV
And the two and one pitch to O'Neill.
A towering shot back to deep right field
and it's gone.
(Hospital)
KRAMER
Yeah.
TV
A home run for Paul O'Neill. The Yanks
lead one nothing.
KRAMER
OH YEAH! ALL RIGHT!
BOBBY
One more to go.
(Jerry's)
(Holly enters)
JERRY
Hey. What's all this?
HOLLY
I decided I was going to make you dinner.
JERRY
I thought we were going out.
HOLLY
Well, after you scarfed up my mutton
I had the irresistible urge to make
pork chops for you. I said hello to
Franco for you.
JERRY
Franco?
HOLLY
Your butcher, down the street.
JERRY
I bet he acted aloof like he didn't
know me.
HOLLY
A little.
JERRY
That is so Franco.
(Hospital)
TV
Bottom of the eighth, score tied at
one apiece. Two and one to Paul O'Neill.
KRAMER
You know Bobby, it's very very hard
to hit two home runs in one game. Even
for Paul O'Neill.
KRAMER
He can do it, Mr. Kramer. I know he
can. He'll do it for me.
TV
"Klick! Long fly ball into deep left
field over Bell's head . . . O'Neill's
rounding second O'Neill going for third,
O'Neill rounding . . .
KRAMER
Come on Come on!
TV
. . . third being waived in.
KRAMER
GO! GO!!
TV
. . . Martinez throws it over Alomar's
head. O'Neill is safe at home. And the
Yankees take the lead.
KRAMER
An In The Park Home Run!
BOBBY
Yeay!
KRAMER
All Right! Yeah, well, I guess I'll
be on my way (grabs framed card)
TV
That's being scored a triple for Paul
O'Neill with a throwing error charged
to Martinez.
BOBBY
Hey, ...
KRAMER
Huh?
BOBBY
... that's not a home run. (grabs frame)
KRAMER
Yeah, maybe not technically, but ...
BOBBY
You said he'd hit two home runs.
KRAMER
Oh, come on. Bobby, Bobby! That's just
as good!
BOBBY
Well, you're not taking that card.
KRAMER
Now, Bobby, Bobby, we had a deal . .
. gimme that ...
(Jerry's)
HOLLY
So, is the chop the way you like it?
JERRY
I usually like mine with an angioplasty.
(stuffs meat in sofa)
(Elaine enters)
ELAINE
You know something really stinks to
high h... Holly! What are you doing here?
JERRY
What everyone does here. - Cooking pork
chops.
ELAINE
I'm uh, I'm meeting James here. He's
bringing over your jacket.
HOLLY
What about the napkins?
ELAINE
I didn't take your napkins.
HOLLY
Then who did?
ELAINE
Ask Jerry.
JERRY
We could argue all night over who took
the napkins. The point is in today's
modern world it just doesn't seem relevant.
(George's office, Yankee Stadium)
WILHELM
I still want to know what happened to
that birthday card? Now, Morgan, did
you ever sign it?
MORGAN
No sir, George never gave it to me.
GEORGE
No, that's right, I didn't. I take full
responsibility for the card not being
here. I, uh, . . .
(Kramer enters)
KRAMER
Hi,
WILHELM
What's this?
KRAMER
Oh, it's a birthday card.
KRAMER
(to George) Oh, by the way, tomorrow
night, Paull O'Neill has to catch a
fly ball in his hat.
WILHELM
George, this is beautiful. Why didn't
you tell me you were going to have it
mounted like this?
KRAMER
And you were probably just going to
stick it in an envelope.
WILHELM
Ha ha ha ha ha, George, keep up the
good work.
MORGAN
Ha ha, uh, well you screwed me again,
Costanza. How am I supposed to sign
the card now when it's already under
glass?
(Jerry's)
(James enters with his dogs)
ELAINE
Uh, this is,...
HOLLY
Excuse me. What are those dogs wearing?
JAMES
Oh, bandanas, aren't they cute?
HOLLY
You gave Memma's napkins to some dogs?!
JERRY
Hey, what happened to my jacket?
JAMES
Oh, the dogs did that but it wasn't
their fault, somebody stuffed some strange
meat in the pocket.
HOLLY
Was it mutton?
JAMES
Could have been.
HOLLY
Do you always stuff meat in your pocket?
(Dogs climbing on sofa)
JERRY
Uh, sometimes I use the sofa.
(Steinbrenner's office)
(George enters)
GEORGE
You wanted to see me, Mr. Steinbrenner?
STEINBRENNER
Yes, George, please, come in, come in.
STEINBRENNER
Thanks for the card. I loved it. Gosh
it made me feel good. You know, word
has it that you were the brains behind
the whole thing.
GEORGE
Oh, no, not just me, the whole organization.
Especially Mr. Morgan.
STEINBRENNER
Morgan, Morgan, you know his name is
conspicuously absent from this card.
Almost like he went out of his way not
to sign it.
GEORGE
Oh no, Morgan is a good man sir.
STEINBRENNER
You can stop kowtowing to Morgan. Congratulations,
you got his job.
GEORGE
Wa, uh, thank you sir, you know I am
not quite sure I'm right for it.
STEINBRENNER
Stop it George, he's out, you're in.
STEINBRENNER
A lot more work you know.
GEORGE
I know.
STEINBRENNER
A lot more responsibility. Long long
hours.
GEORGE
I know.
STEINBRENNER
Not much more money. But you'll finally
get the recognition you deserve.
GEORGE
That's what I'm afraid of. You know
Mr. Steinbrenner, . . .
STEINBRENNER
You know as painfull as it is I had
to let a few people go over the years.
Yogi Berra, Lou Pinella, Bucky Dent,
Billy Martin, Dallas Green, Dick Houser,
Bill Virdon, Billy Martin, Scott Marrow,
Billy Martin, Bob Lemmon, Billy Martin,
Gene Michael, Buck Showalter, ... uh,
tut!, . . .George, you didn't hear that
from me. (George exits) . . . George!
THE END
|
